Seventeen Years Sober and Emotionally Relapsed — My Meeting Attendance Was Pitiful — Lisa C.

Hey, y'all. I'm Kat. I'm an alcoholic. Let's have an AA meeting.
Welcome to the Monday night Blue Tips speaker meeting at the NABBA Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
Now it's time for me to introduce the speaker, Lisa.
I just met her before the meeting, but her other half told his story last week.
And so when we were talking, she goes, yeah, it's time for the rebuttal.
So anyway, I can't wait to hear it. Come on up.
I'm Lisa. I'm an alcoholic.
And you can hear me. I can tell.
Yes, my husband, I'll make sure I talk about him, but in a good way, in a good way.
My sobriety date is March 7th, 1990.
And that means I've been sober for 25 years.
Which is a long time, which means there's a God.
And I got sober when I was 21, because I always do the math.
I'm just going to do it for you.
I don't know if I get older if I'll keep doing that, but I'm 46.
So I got sober a month after my 21st birthday, and I like to say it was legal,
so what was the fun anymore?
And I have a sponsor.
And I got a new sponsor.
I recently moved from Gwinnett County to Cobb County,
and I need to have a sponsor.
And I have a sponsor that I can see regularly.
And she goes to my home group, and she was, her name is Sally,
and she was the first woman that welcomed me there.
And I'm grateful for that.
I like to start off by reading something to center me.
And I do this different every time.
Every time I tell my story, it's like, so if you don't like it this time,
just wait for me to talk again, because I'll say something completely different.
But I always, in the mornings I do get up,
and I don't smoke anymore.
I smoked for 20 years, so it took a while to get used to doing morning meditation
and coffee without cigarettes, but I do it now.
And I still like to sit there and read something and get centered.
And sometimes I'll journal, and when I journal, I write to God.
Already lost the page?
Probably.
But this morning, this is kind of what I opened it up to.
Here it is.
I'm a librarian.
I can read for a long time.
So if I get nervous,
I'll just start reading again.
Just kidding.
My husband says I'm always supposed to tell this joke.
It's not a joke.
I used to, I wanted to be a blackjack dealer or a drug smuggler.
I never wanted to be a librarian, but this is what happened.
I got sober.
Okay, so I'm going to read out of diagnostics for a bit.
And before I start, though, the reason, when I started reading this,
Bill uses a lot of language in the literature that,
I don't know the definition of, because every time I look up the words,
I'm like, wow, I didn't know it meant that.
And one of the words he uses a lot, and my husband uses this in his story last week,
foundation and foundation stone or cornerstone.
So this morning when I opened up in the big book, I'm like,
well, what is the difference in a foundation stone or a cornerstone?
And according to Wikipedia, there is no difference.
The definition said a cornerstone or foundation stone is the first stone set,
and it determines the position of the entire structure.
All right, so there's the definition.
So here's what I'm going to read, and it's going to have that word in it.
I'm a recovery middle school teacher, too, so watch for the word.
Okay.
We needed to ask ourselves but one short question.
Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself?
As soon as a man can say that he does believe or is willing to believe,
we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.
It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone,
a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.
That was great news for us, for we had assumed we could not make use of spiritual principles
unless we accepted many things on faith, which seemed difficult to believe.
When people presented us with spiritual approaches, how frequently did we all say,
I wish I had what that man has.
I'm sure it would work if I could only believe what he believes.
But I cannot accept.
I can't accept to surely true the many articles of faith which are so plain to him.
So it was comforting to learn we could commence at a simpler level.
Besides the seeming inability to accept much on faith, we found ourselves handicapped by
obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice.
Many of us had been so touching that even casual reference to spiritual things made
us bristle with antagonism.
This sort of thinking had to be abandoned.
Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty.
In the midst of all of this, we were faced with alcoholic destruction.
We soon became as open-minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions.
In this respect, alcohol was a great persuader.
It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness.
When I came into the room, I did not come in having any belief in any higher power whatsoever.
As a matter of fact, at my first meeting, I remember after the first meeting, I was
walking around and I was talking to the guy I was dating at the time.
We had been in a relationship for two years.
He had lost his driver's license, so I took him to a meeting and while I was there I picked
up a white chip.
But I remember talking to him after the meeting.
We were walking around and I said, you know, this whole God thing, I don't get it.
I can't imagine how I could ever come to believe in a power greater than me because I had a
lot of ego and pride.
And that bristled with antagonism.
I say this, if you had any type of Christian bumper sticker on your car, I just wanted
to rear end you.
I saw that as a complete weakness and that anybody that had any belief in a higher power
was surely fooling themselves and I did not need that.
I was a big Pat Benatar fan.
And you had that song that she was singing.
It hit me with your best shot and I was thinking about this the other day.
I am a different person today for many reasons, but one of the things that is very different
about me today is that I can ask for help.
I can ask my higher power for help and I can ask you guys in the rooms for help and gosh,
I do a lot.
But when I got here, I was very afraid.
I was in a tremendous fear.
I was in a tremendous amount of pain and I didn't want to quit drinking and there was
a lot of outside issues.
I didn't want to stop either.
But I didn't want to because I didn't know how to live and deal with feelings without
taking something.
That first meeting, I also remember thinking, how could I ever stop crying if I couldn't
take something to make me stop crying because I cried a lot and I hit an emotional bottom
and I'm...
I don't know.
I don't know what did I do wrong.
I don't know what I did wrong.
I don't know what I did wrong.
I don't know what I did wrong.
And I'm grateful that I kept coming back.
I'd like to tell you I only picked up one white chip, but that's not the case.
I had to test it.
I remember telling my stepdad that I wasn't going to drink when I needed to drink anymore.
I was just going to drink when I wanted to drink.
And I'm thinking that was some great revelation that I could twist it.
I remember I did...
I got a job.
I worked in restaurants and bars a lot.
I worked in restaurants and bars a lot.
And my first job I got when I was 16 was at a restaurant.
And I got that job when I was 16 because I knew if I made tips,
I could lie to my parents about how much money I made.
And I could spend all that money partying just the way I wanted to.
And I did that a lot.
And so the God thing was when I was in my first treatment center,
which I went to, by the way, because I didn't want to go to work that day.
And I begged my stepdad, can I please go to treatment today?
Because I thought that would be a much better thing.
I had gotten a job at the bar.
I was working in JCPenney's.
And selling clothes was not a lot of fun when you are as hungover as I was.
And so I went to that first treatment center.
And I still had picked up a lot of white chips at that point.
And I wanted this thing.
But I didn't.
But I couldn't get it.
One of the things in that that I read, and I read a long time,
I didn't think I could get this thing.
Because I could see a lot of you getting it.
And I could see a lot of you guys staying sober.
And I believe that it worked for you.
But I was different.
And I didn't think it worked for me.
I went through three treatment centers in a year.
And none of them were court mandated.
None of them were to get out of any trouble.
The first time, of course, was that I didn't want to go to work.
But I really wanted this sobriety thing.
And I was having the durngest time.
And what would happen usually when I got about 30 days,
it seemed like all the numbness would wear off.
You know, it wasn't like on day two or three that my skin wasn't crawling
and I didn't want to drink or whatever.
But after 30 days, it seemed like there was nothing.
Nothing left to numb me.
And I would relapse a lot between 30 and 60 days.
So I'm getting ahead of myself.
So in that first treatment center, I was told to go read Reagnostics.
And because I didn't believe in this whole higher power thing.
So I went upstairs and I read that.
And I came downstairs and I told this woman who was a recovering alcoholic.
And I told her, I said, okay, now what?
And she said, you need to go read that again.
I went and read that again.
And I didn't have a burning bush experience.
But what I realized on that second reading, I guess I became open.
And, you know, our literature is pretty darn good.
I realized the only reason I was still alive was because there had to be a power out there greater than me.
Because there were so many times I had put myself in so many situations.
And I should have been dead so many times.
Okay.
I don't want to talk too much about the problem.
I want to qualify myself.
I drank alcoholically.
And in that first treatment center, I heard a guy talk about how he drank alcoholically.
And he said he drank higher proof alcohol.
And I could totally relate to that.
I am not a big person.
And I don't have the biggest bladder.
So I learned that if I drank liquor straight, I did not have to go to the ladies room as often.
Oh, excuse me.
I didn't usually go to the ladies room.
I was usually in the woods because I was never drinking.
I had a legal age.
So I did try to keep portable tissues with me in my purse.
I drank.
I remembered this recently.
I got to that first job.
I was working in a restaurant.
And I was 16.
And we didn't even serve alcohol there.
And I was a hostess.
And they would let me wait tables, which means at 16 I was actually making a lot of money.
But there was a regular customer.
Now, this was a barbecue restaurant in Greensboro, North Carolina.
I don't even remember the name of it.
And this old, not old, but this gentleman, I was 20 at the time, or no, I was 16 at the time.
This gentleman came in one day and he was a regular customer there.
And one day he snuck me a bottle of, it was in a mason jar of moonshine.
Now, why would you give a 16-year-old girl a bottle of moonshine?
And I figured that he probably could just tell that I would probably drink that moonshine.
It's the shortest game of course.
It's the shortest game of quarters I've ever played.
It doesn't, it doesn't, quarters don't last too long on moonshine.
I moved out of the house when I was 16 so I could drink the way I wanted to.
That's when I was drinking that moonshine that one night.
And I drank every night when I had the opportunity to drink every night.
And I remember getting sick and I had like a bad cold or whatever.
And I just kept thinking, if I just drink screwdrivers because of the orange juice, I'll get well.
And that didn't work either.
But I drank alcoholically.
I know that I could tell you a lot of stories.
And then I couldn't talk about recovery.
I did that recently.
I'm going to make sure I don't do that tonight.
But I drank alcoholically.
One thing, I don't know if anybody remembers Everclear.
You know, you can, that, that, there's a lot of punch in that.
You know, it's a high proof.
So, because I was usually drinking underage, I would sometimes carry a pint of Everclear in my purse so that,
and I would go in the bathroom stalls and drink that.
And that's probably not what normal drinkers do.
When my boyfriend at the time, he drank Wild Turkey 101.
And I could not stand the way that stuff smelled on him when he drank.
So I learned that if I drank it, I didn't smell it.
And so that was, that was my solution.
So I drank alcoholically and I never, I never got a DUI.
It's funny.
I taught DUI school not long ago for a while.
It was a second job.
I had a lot of fun teaching DUI school.
And I don't know how many of y'all have been, but I'm getting more than one person in this room that's been through a DUI class.
But, you know, they show the movies and everything.
And I had been sober, I had been sober 25 years.
And I had been sober at least 18 years by the time I taught DUI school.
And it took 18 years of sobriety to sit in that class and watch those movies and realize that the wreck I had when I was 17,
because I had a wreck when I was 17.
And I was drinking and driving.
And I hit another car.
And I was going about 45 miles an hour.
And the party was to my left.
And I took that turn.
And when I took that turn, I hit, I hit a car.
And it was, I think, a New Yorker.
And I hit it so hard it did a complete 360 and knocked me down the, the road.
And I couldn't get out of the car because I was stuck.
And as soon as my car came to a screeching halt, I immediately, I'd had a cough.
And I had some throat lozenges, mentholictus ones.
And I started eating them like candy because I thought I was going to die.
And I didn't know what was going on.
I didn't know what was going on.
I didn't know what was going on.
I didn't know what was going on.
And I thought, you know, they went away.
And I was driving my car for about three miles.
And I was driving my car.
And I had a car that I hit.
And I hit it so hard it did a complete 360 and knocked me down the, the road.
And I couldn't get out of the car because I was stuck.
And as soon as my car came to a screeching halt, I immediately, I'd had a cough.
And I had some throat lozenges, mentholictus ones.
And I started eating them like candy because I knew I was drunk.
And I didn't want the police to know I'd been drinking.
And the point in that is, I walked away from that.
And the car that I hit, those three women went away in an ambulance.
And I was 17 at the time.
And I thought, you know, they went away.
with neck braces and I said they just want to sue me and that was my complete belief I had
really no regret or remorse for what I had done I just thought they're looking to sue me
they did attempt to sue me I had no money because I was a 17 year old alcoholic
but it took until I was actually teaching DUI school that I realized watching the movies that
we show in the um in there that I could have actually changed those women's lives forever
they were definitely daughters they could have been mothers they certainly were old enough to
be mothers and so um sometimes the awareness of my actions um don't show up right away
this is probably going to be more revealing so I told my story about a week ago and I didn't like
what I said I just didn't and um so sometimes in the morning I said I get up and I I read
literature and um I ask God every morning
to keep me clean and sober because I can't the women that I sponsor in AA I I suggest they do
that if I could keep me if I could get me sober or keep me sober I wouldn't need these rooms I
tried that so um I hit my knees every morning there it's been a long time that I have forgotten
to do that before I leave years ago when I was still developing this habit there were times I
would leave the house and realize oh crap I forgot to do that and I I'm sure I have to do that again
I heard this from a speaker but I could totally relate that when they hit their knees in the morning
it's kind of like plugging in I actually imagine like I can see a visual like my knees are like the
the prongs in the in the plug and until I've connected there on I I I just can't start my day
um that doesn't mean I'm perfect but it means that I do that and um and I relapsed a lot I said
and the last time I came back in I am um very grateful that someone said you know just don't
drink for disease and I'm very grateful that someone said you know just don't drink for
disease and I'm very grateful that someone said you know just don't drink for disease
today no matter what and I added that and that no matter what is something that I still ask God
to keep me clean and sober but so um wow I didn't get back to the cornerstone did I the um
well I guess that is it I guess I am at the cornerstone you know I had to believe that
there was a God and that it wasn't me and when I became willing and it took me a while to get
there was a God and that it wasn't me and when I became willing and it took me a while to get
but when I really became willing to pray to the best of my knowledge when I sincerely well actually
no I wasn't sincere when I finally became willing to take some suggestions and I was willing to hit
my knees and pray to a God that I really wasn't sure was there but I was going to give you guys
the benefit of the doubt okay I'm still alive there's something there um I didn't have to drink
after that now I'd love to tell you that the desire to drink was completely lifted at that
point that's not my story but I was willing to take some of the suggestions and I was willing to
take some of the suggestions and I was willing to take some of the suggestions and I was willing to
the compulsion never came back I never got past the compulsion to drink when you know that feeling
when it comes on you where like it doesn't matter what happens I don't care what happens I don't
care if I I don't care um just um where I'm going to drink and if you're in my way I'm going to plow
you down I never got past that compulsion the desire to drink left me at about nine months sober
um and and for that I'm grateful
I I didn't take all the suggestions though I did pray and um and I did get a sponsor and I told you
in the beginning I had I thought I was different and I had a very wise sponsor that recognized that
in me because I told her I was afraid I had been to my third treatment center in a year and I was
in a halfway house and I told her that um I was afraid that it wasn't going to work again and she
said I needed to change my thinking because I think alcohol is a good thing and I think it's a good thing
because I think alcohol is a good thing and I think it's a good thing and I think it's a good thing
I mean this alcoholic I definitely have a problem with my thinking and I know it talks a lot about
that in our literature and especially in the doctor's opinion and I I thought I was different
and she helped me to see that unless I believed that it was possible for me to stay sober that I
wasn't going to be able to stay sober and that was big that was big I forget that sometimes
and she gave me a book and it wasn't a year approved you know she gave me a book called
the power of positive thinking by Norman Vincent Peale and um I had to read that book to believe it
was possible for me because I I just I had relapsed a lot and um and I was afraid that that it wouldn't
work and that book helped me see that I it's possible even for me to do this and um and that
and I had a tremendous fear of not working the steps and that's the best fear I can ever say you
know afraid you're going to drink like
you know I ask God to remove my fears a lot but there's some healthy fears and I was afraid I was
going to drink so I I didn't take all the suggestions but I got a sponsor and I worked the
steps and um and I remember that first four step her name was Donna Donna loved me to death and
Donna um was a nurse at a treatment center and um I had moved to Galax Virginia and I told you I
didn't take all the suggestions
I I had gotten in relationships and um and um I had gotten pregnant and I was um working at
Sonny's Barbecue part-time in Roswell here and they wouldn't give me any more hours and I was
about six months pregnant and I was living with a guy that was not the father of that child that
was um budding in my growing belly and I um and one day I came home and he was gone and that sucked
and um because I was in the hospital and I was in the hospital and I was in the hospital and I was
at my butt fell off and um and I was going to meetings and I had a sponsor but I was real
dependent on that relationship and I I didn't have any money and I didn't have rent money
and um and you know this is where I learned to ask for help in the beginning I guess
I um I called one of you guys and there was a girl named Anna and Anna let me come sleep on
her couch now honestly I was six months pregnant I was working part-time at Sonny's um and I was
I had about nine months sober I wasn't sleeping I was um I was in withdrawal from that relationship
I'm going to tell you right now I remember I was pregnant my entire belly ached because I was so
tense and so afraid and I didn't know what to do so I took my butt to a meeting and I surrounded
myself with you guys and y'all loved me and y'all loved me and um but I did end up moving because
my stepdad was in Gaybox Virginia and he took me in and that was where I found that that sponsor
Donna and I was in the hospital and I was in the hospital and I was in the hospital and I was in the
you know you got to get things in ready before you have a baby and one of the things I had to
get ready was to do a four-step before the child came and um and I knew I knew I didn't get sober
because I was pregnant I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was three months pregnant by
the grace of God I had two pregnancy tests from a clinic come back negative sometimes I wonder if
my son really knows how much God wanted him to be born he's 24 now and he's never had to see me
take a drink and for that I am so grateful
um I didn't stay sober for him but I knew I knew that if I drank I couldn't take care of him
and I knew that I had to take care of me I am
one of the one of the things I haven't talked about this long time that that actually made
me seek recovery my I want to say this my mother is not an alcoholic she marries them
and she's married to her third one
and um and I love her and I wish she had a program I'm just grateful that she's you know
I'm sincerely grateful that she's married to an alcoholic that doesn't abuse her she's actually
got the dream alcoholic he's afraid of traveling and driving so he stays at home and drinks
the Al-Anon dream for my mother but um
she was um I had I was an only child and she was pregnant right before I came in the room
with her second child so I have a half brother who is um I'm 46
and Travers is 26 I think and I had a lot of resentments and I had so much anger when
I first got sober about what my mom did and didn't do that I thought she should do right
for me and I know she did the best she could do but I had a lot of resentment and I remember
I wanted to get sober because I was so full of myself and so prideful and so arrogant
and so angry because I thought I should get sober so I could take care of that child and
take custody away from her because I was so angry at her I was so angry at her as a teenager
I remember thinking if she died I needed to practice crying because I resented her so much
we have a good relationship today she calls me every week she lives in Arizona which is far away
I have a good relationship with my grandmother today who raised me a lot but um but I did not
like my mother as a teenager I sat in these rooms early on um my grandmother was so ashamed of me
because I was pregnant because in my household you were supposed to look good
grandma um sent me clothes during my drinking days so that I looked good because I wasn't
going to buy any um I spent all of my um the money that I made and I kept two jobs when
I was drinking usually yeah I kept two jobs um so that I could party the way I wanted
to party and my grandmother always sent me clothes I'm going to jump way ahead I'm doing
good on time this time um my grandmother lives in Tucson Arizona as well my mother and grandmother
both live out there we're not from there they moved out there I don't imagine why anyone would
want to live in a desert I don't want to move out there I'd rather than move back this this coast
but um my grandmother when I decided to get sober this last time I moved in with her because I wanted
a safe place to live and I it was an attempted geographical cure and she lived in Roswell and
I moved in with her in Roswell and um and I relapsed with her a few times and she helped me
with her treatment and and then I finally got back to my mother and I moved in with her and
I finally got it and you know the miracle happened I I came to believe there was a power
greater than me and I and I did the deal and I did the step work um but anyway my grandmother
is widowed um and she went on a trip a couple years ago and um she's I don't know grandma's
80 I don't know she's in her 80s but she likes to travel and we encourage her to travel but
she went on this trip to she was going to be a cruise and she went with a friend of
hers another woman and they stopped in Istanbul and my grandmother fell and um she ended up in
intensive care in Istanbul and um this is just a good story because this tells you how awesome
this program is so she's in Istanbul in intensive care and that woman she went with went on on the
cruise and left her there in intensive care my grandmother doesn't speak Turkish and um and we
tried to get her flown back to Istanbul and she was in Istanbul and she was in Istanbul and she was
out um and she wasn't stable enough to fly out and my mother and um my uncle neither one of them
could go they didn't want to go and my uncle it made sense that he would go but he didn't want to
go so um this was my grandmother and this was the grandmother that had um I lived with during my
youth when my mother lost custody of me and this was the grandmother that had um had let me live
with her alone to get sober and paid for my second treatment center and um and the one that helped me
when I got sober and I decided to go back to college she helped me pay for school and she
helped me pay for my car and I'd forgiven her obviously and um so um I flew to Turkey and um
Istanbul before I went though this is just so cool so I thought okay I'd like to know somebody
before I go there that's a long shot right so I went to Turkey and I went to Istanbul and I went to
Google on my phone at work one day AA meetings in Istanbul and bam I hit something and there was
a guy's phone number named Russell and I texted Russell in Istanbul from Gwinnett County and I
said my grandmother is in ICU out there and I'm in AA and I want to come out there I said and I
want to go to a meeting he said come on and he texted me back and um it took me a few days to
get those train those plane um
tickets and um and it bothered me that she was out there and I would call her um while she was in ICU
and she was kind of doing worse she was there and it wasn't that of course they were she was actually
in a very nice hospital it's a small private hospital and they were taking good care of her
but you know what she's a woman who's like in her 80s and she's alone in this foreign country and um
so anyway so I I talked to Russell and I said you know
she's alone
alone and she can't talk to anybody in her language he was british um he was from england
he was like teaching english classes over there in istanbul and this man um did an amazing work
of service because um he actually went before i got there has never met you he never met me
and he went to the hospital which was very far away from where he lived and took my grandmother
turkish delight candy and sat there and visited with her and talked with her in english for hours
the day before i got there because um he was another member of aa and he saw that um
that there was a need to be there so um it's a great story so i have time for this so um
so i made plain i had plain tickets i got you know it's just god shows up um he you know they
i love the saying that god likes to say anonymous through um coincidences and um there were so many
coincidences he didn't remain anonymous to me on this trip because um the plain
tickets i got there and i got there and i got there and i got there and i got there and i got
tickets. It was amazing. I flew to Istanbul cheaper than I can fly to Tucson. And I've
never flown internationally, and I'm not one of those people that know how to do that.
And when I got off the plane in Turkey, I didn't have a plan. I didn't really have time
to have much of a plan. My only plan was, someone said, just go to the ticket place
where you can exchange money. Because I didn't have time to do that before I went either.
So I'm sitting there in Istanbul, and I'm waiting for my luggage to get off, the luggage
thing. And it's not showing up, and I'm very tired, because it's a long couple of plane
rides. And standing there, this man stands next to me, and he says, I recognize you from
the plane out of Atlanta. And I said, yes. And he had an accent, but he spoke perfect
English. And he said, why are you here in Turkey? And I told him I was there to see
my grandmother in the hospital. And he said, huh. He said, I live in Turkey. And I said,
Sandy Springs, I think that's where, Dunwoody. And he said, but I'm from Turkey. And he
said, and it's apparent that since we're here, and the luggage isn't there, our luggage has
been lost. And he said, so here's what I'm going to do. He said, I'm going to take you
over there to that missing, lost luggage, and I'm going to help you fill out that paperwork.
And he said, now have a driver that's here to meet me, and I'm going to have that driver
take you to the hospital to see your grandmother. So that's what he did. And it was way far
away. And wow, do they drive fast.
Crazy in Turkey. And it was like rush hour. And he went, that driver, I know, went out
of his way at least an hour to take me there. And when we got to the hospital, he walked
me in, and he made sure that I could communicate with the people at the desk so that I could
actually find my grandmother's room. And he called me the next day at my grandmother's
room to make sure that I got my luggage. And that's all good, but I think it gets even
better.
And while I was there, I was there for a week with my grandmother. And AA took care
of me. I did not bring, I'm not an international traveler, I did not know to bring an adapter
for my phone to charge it. Because there's different plugs over there, so just heads
up. So to let the people back home know that I was there and alive, I needed to have some
kind of contact. So Russell, that guy, took me to an AA meeting there.
You know what? It was in a church, and they all spoke English. And the meetings were more
like the meetings I went to in Gwinneth than the ones I go to in Cobb County now. I felt
completely at home. So y'all took great care of me there, and you took care of me before
I got there. But my grandmother was not real touchy-feely when I was growing up. And I
realized while I was there with her on that last day, before both of us were going back
home, that there were some things I really wanted to tell her. Because I realized before
I left for this trip how much she really meant to me. You know, when you realize you might
lose someone, that reality sets in on how much they might mean to you. And I wanted
to be able to tell my grandmother how much she meant to me and how grateful I was. But
I was having a real hard time being that vulnerable with her. And I even remember, I found a way
to text for free back home. And I was even texting my sponsor saying, you know, I'm going
to go back home. And I was like, oh, I'm going to go back home. And I was like, oh,
you know, I don't have the courage to do this. I think I'm going to write her a letter.
And as I'm sending that text message, my grandmother, we're laying in bed, it's nighttime, it's
the last night before we're there, and she starts talking. And she tells me how everybody
had told her to give up on me. And how she didn't. And how she loved me. And she didn't
give up, no matter what everybody told her.
And I hated that.
I had never known this. You know, I knew that she was my grandmother, and I just had those
expectations that grandma was going to be there. And that she'll love me and take care
of me. And, but the reality was that I was in her home, causing her a lot of havoc. And
I'm sure I was causing her a lot of pain. I certainly was causing her a lot of money
with treatment centers. And so I had to go all the way to Istanbul to realize that I
had amends that I had not made to my grandmother, you know.
And I had to go all the way to Istanbul to realize that I had amends that I had not made
I got to tell her, because she was braver than I was, how much she meant to me and how
grateful I was for her. That was the best part of the trip.
I will say coming back- we went back on separate flights- she was a lot better. She went back
to Arizona and I went back to Atlanta. And I stayed in the hospital room with her. So
I didn't have a place to stay when her plane left and mine didn't.
And my plane didn't leave for about, I don't know- about 16-18 hours. And that was a lot
of times I kind of had issue. Because she것도 need help and asking if they needed her and
everything stuff. And and I have enough experience with that now that we're in proceeded to put
things back together and whatever we might be aware of.
PAUL Started talking about how hard things were in conflict with her that ran through. And she
hours. That was a lot of times I kind of hang out in Istanbul. AA again took care of me.
Y'all took me to another meeting. Y'all took me out to eat. Y'all took me to coffee shops.
Y'all took me to the airport. And you loved me and made sure that I got back on that plane
home. And I just love that story because it incorporates the steps and how we do this
deal. What should I talk about now? I have a few more minutes. I talked about asking
for help. This story isn't as good, but it's still a good one. I couldn't finish. I tried
to do some college courses before I got sober. That did not work well for me. I could not.
If I left school.
I'd get loaded. And so the few classes, I got one A before I got sober. I got an A in
aerobics. Yeah, nice, right? But there was English 101 that you, you know, that's a normal
college course you have to take. Now, I had been a bright student before I quit high school
my junior year. And English, even when I quit high school my junior year, I was in an advanced
English class. Maybe that's where I'm going with this.
I remember Mrs. Shockley, that advanced English class teacher, so I'm going to flash way back
in time to when I was 16 before I quit high school. Because the shame that I felt at that
point in my life was so tremendous. And we were reading the book, The Scarlet Letter
by Nathaniel Hawthorne. I never finished that book. I think of it as being a great
alcoholic thing, though. I don't know if you, I'm not going to tell you the story, but there's
a woman.
There's a woman.
There's a woman.
There's a woman.
There's a woman.
There's a woman.
The main character was an adulteress. She got pregnant out of wedlock. And she was forced
to wear this A on her clothes as a mark of shame. And I related so much to that character
because I had a lot of shame for what I was doing at that point, even at 16. I had a tremendous
amount of shame. And I honestly think that one of the reasons that I could not stand
that teacher is because she was making me read that story, which was bringing up all
those feelings.
And when I came into the room, I'd like to tell you that shame just went away. It didn't.
It's a part of me that I carry with me. I was listening to a speaker, though, today,
on the way here. And she talked about the disease concept. And I'm like, oh, my God,
oh, yeah, Lisa, you're an alcoholic. And you have the disease of alcoholism. And it's
a disease. It's not because I'm a bad person. And it's not because I'm stupid. And it's
not because of anything other than it's a disease. And the actions that I took during
my active alcoholism were shameful. There's nothing pretty about a woman who's drunk.
Nothing very attractive about a guy that's drunk, either. But certainly, there's nothing
pretty about a woman that's drunk. And I didn't come in the rooms screaming of sobriety. I
came in the rooms wanting some relief from that pit in my stomach. And I remember how
big that gaping hole was in my stomach. I was in so much pain. And I wanted it to go
away.
And I truly believe that that hole was that God-shaped hole. And I believe that every
time I drank, that I probably just made that hole bigger. And it became like an ulcer.
And I needed God so bad. Sandy B. says that he thinks alcoholics just need God more.
And I needed God so bad. And I had been praying by accident.
And it took me a while to realize I had been praying by accident. Because remember I told
you I didn't believe there was a God at all. And I remembered, though, after I had been
sober for a while, that there were plenty of times when I was so hungover and so sick
that I would be sitting there on my knees because I was sick. And I would be saying,
God, help me. Because I think that's just natural. It just comes from within. It talks
about in the book how deep inside all of us there is that belief, that fundamental belief
that there was a God. And I had that huge God-sized hole and so much shame. And it took
a while to learn to fill that up. I was looking at Step 11 a few years ago. And it talks about
being willing to spend time with Him. And step 11 . . . . Okay, I really know this step.
. . . . . . . sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as
we understood Him. Praying only for knowledge that does the will for us and the power to
carry that out.
But somehow, maybe I'm interpreting it wrong, but somehow, I thought, you know, if you
want to have a relationship with someone, you have to be willing to spend time with
them. So, I am NOT a meditation guru. There are different things I have done. When I first
came in the room, I said to myself, I am a true meditation teacher, and if you don't
be willing to spend time with me, you're not going to have enough energy to spend time with
me. You're not going to be doing that. And I say, well, I want to meditate. And I'm doing that all the time.
I'm a seeker.
I'm a seeker.
When I first came in the room,
I went to some channeling thing.
I don't know.
One of y'all took me and said,
oh, there's this really cool church
and there was somebody that sat up there
and they channeled someone else.
And that was kind of creepy.
I think I got something out of it.
I remember that channeler with their eyes rolled back in their head
kind of looking at me and saying something
that was similar in spiritual to what you guys said in the room.
So, you know, I was a seeker.
When I was pregnant with my son,
and I went to a lot of Native American stuff back in the day,
at least in my circles,
and there was a sweat lodge.
And that was a really cool experience
because I got to sit in this really hot place
where we all sweated a lot.
And I was very pregnant.
And all those people in there said lots of prayers for my son
before he was born.
So I was seeking.
And that was different from all the times that I relapsed.
And I continue to want to grow that relationship.
That relationship with my higher power.
So, and I believe you do that with a step.
Last night, there was a woman that asked me to sponsor her the other day.
And she and I have a lot in common.
And one of the things I learned from a former sponsor is
before you say yes,
make sure that you know what they want out of a sponsor
and make sure you communicate what you can give to them.
So she asked me.
And I said, okay, do me a favor.
Write it down.
Write it down what you want.
And she did.
And she texted it to me.
It was a very long text.
But that's okay because it was in writing.
And as before, I was going to bed last night.
A little antsy about this and everything.
And the gift of service work, right?
The gift of service work.
So I was able to get out of my head and reply with this very long text.
And I said, my primary job as a sponsor is to guide you through the steps
and to help you apply them to your daily life.
In the process, you will have a...
You will have a...
You will have a spiritual awakening and become closer to God.
Promise.
And I realized I can promise that
because the steps promise that.
And that's been my experience.
And I'm grateful that I get to sponsor women
because I get to go through the steps again.
I was not the person in the rooms that you always wanted what I had.
As a matter of fact, it took many years for you guys
or you ladies to want me to sponsor you
because a lot of the times you didn't want what I had.
I did not...
I was telling my husband on the way here,
I did not do...
as much service work as I could have done.
You know, I did what...
I did the best I can do.
I know I did some service work
because I remember sitting in a group conscience one time.
I don't know if I should say this.
This is being taped, right?
And I was new in sobriety and my son was little
and I remember recommending that out with the literature
they also include condoms
because AIDS was a really big deal at the time
and I thought we were all going to kill ourselves.
And I thought that that was a legitimate motion.
And you know what, you guys loved me and you let me stay
and you just said, well, okay, maybe we'll vote on that later.
That motion did not pass.
I know I did a little bit of service work
but I didn't do a lot and obviously I didn't have a clue.
But I went to the steps again.
I got lazy.
I got complacent and I rested on my laurels
and I didn't want to drink but I became miserable
when I had about 17 years sober.
I went back and got a master's degree
and I had a teenager and I worked full time
and something had to give
and I let AA be that that had to give.
And I have a tremendous amount of compassion and love
for newcomers
but I also have a tremendous amount of compassion and love
for the people that have been around
because it is really freaking hard
to come back in these rooms
and be hurting like I was hurting
but everybody knew I had been sober for a long time
and they're like, where have you been?
And it's really hard to learn.
I look at other people and say,
you need to go to meetings
when my meeting attendance had been pitiful
and my sponsor had moved away
and my husband at the time was relapsing
and my son was getting kicked out of school for marijuana
and I was miserable.
And I got a sponsor
and I started working the steps
and I'm also a member of our sister fellowship,
Al-Anon, because I need both
and I had two sponsors
and they both agreed.
They agreed that I needed to inventory my relationships
because there was a record,
a trail of records I had left.
And in the big book,
I can't quote it,
I'm not going to look it up right now
in the essence of time,
but in the big book,
at the end of the four steps
and how it works,
the part about sex,
which is on page 69,
if you can't find it.
But I don't know,
did it change when we changed it?
Okay, it used to be on page 69.
I don't know what version it is now.
But at the end it says,
this helped us,
this helped us shape a sound ideal
for our future sex life.
And so what my sponsor told me I needed to do
was I needed to write down
all the relationships I'd been in.
Even the ones,
like the boys from 7th grade
that I just had a crush on,
I wrote them all down
and I looked at my part in them
and I had to make a lot of phone calls.
Now, I didn't find everybody from 7th grade,
but there was a lot of people
that I owed amends to
and a lot of them were in recovery
because I got sober at 21
and I dated a lot of y'all in recovery
and married.
I married a couple too.
And so it was very humbling
to sit across those coffee tables
and make those amends for those people.
And it was probably one of the most powerful things
I've done
because I got to see how selfish
and self-centered I was.
And then I got to write that sound ideal.
She said,
now I want you to write what you want
in a relationship.
And at that point I was pretty much done.
I said, you know what?
I said, I understand that whole
arranged marriage thing
and you know what?
And if I'm supposed to get married again,
I'm sure that my sponsor
could pick someone better for me
because my picker is broken.
But that sound ideal was,
I listed the things that were most important for me
if I would ever have a relationship again.
And the first one was that they have
a spiritual relationship,
a connection with a higher power.
I wish I had the list with me.
There was a lot of things on that list.
It was an unrealistic list, I thought.
But I thought,
I made it because my sponsor suggested
that I make it.
And then I met Sean,
who was your speaker last week.
And I didn't mean to meet him.
And you know what?
This is a God thing
because he knew the same people I knew
for a long time.
And we didn't know each other.
And we've both been in the rooms for a while.
So God knew that I had a lot of getting ready to do.
And maybe he did too.
But I certainly did before I was ready for him.
I know being a shadow of a doubt,
I would not have been a true believer.
I would not have been attracted to him
nor would he have been attracted to me
if I had not done a lot of the work that I did.
And I don't think I was done until I was done.
And the cool thing was
after Sean and I started dating for a while,
that I'm like,
oh yeah, I made that list.
Let me pull it out and look.
And it was so cool
because having done the work
and listened to my sponsor
and make that unrealistic list
and Sean exceeded everything on that list.
Now, okay, he's not perfect.
But early on,
I prayed that I would learn to love him
the way he loves me.
Because he accepts me with all my worth
just the way I am.
And that is a wonderful gift
that the program and y'all have given me.
And I'm out of time.
And I'm going to stop talking.
Thanks for listening.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
At the time
At the time
At the time
At the time
At the time
At the time
At the time
At the time
At the time
At the time
At the time
Back when I was a child
Things moved out of my way
Running so fast and wild
After time
It's almost stuck in me
I'm the way
So blotting out
Blind as I could be
Every time I got it going up
Knocked back down to size
What's the use in hiding out now?
It's tough to realize
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
It's tough to make
Stop the criticize
Love has got the power
There's nothing more you need inside
Surrender
Surrender
Surrender
Surrender
Surrender to the love
Surrender to the love
Surrender to the love
Love will carry the load.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender to the love.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender to the love.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender to the love.
Surrender.
Surrender to the love.
Surrender.
Surrender to the love.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender to the love.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Surrender.
Thank you.
Thank you.