Sandy B. – Don P. “Precisely How We Recovered” AA Speaker 12 Step “Alcoholism Recovery” Don P Precisely How We Recovered 12 Step Alcoholism Recovery – Part 8 – 2013

I can still clean up and set the matter straight because I've told you about it and I've told hundreds of other people about it, and I'm clean from it. But it's that heavy here. That's all there is to resentment inventory. I get a new mind, I get new look at life. It's getting close to bedtime. That's all the technical stuff I can stand. Okay, the rest of it's there. I'm going to spend about 10 minutes just kind of easing us out of here tonight. We can do more in the morning. We're going to be here about 10. It's been interesting for me because this is all a brand new way of doing something and yet it's old at the same time. Having completed that inventory and the fear inventory, and that's a separate format I'd like to show you in the morning. It's bloody simple and it's surgical the way I was taught to do it. In essence, it simply says we put down what the fear is and ask ourselves why we had it. And then I get to look at what I'm trying to get out of the deal where self-reliance is failing me. Where I'm busy assigning you roles gives me a great piece of news. I'm in the world to play the role God assigns, and so are you, and my fear has always been that you wouldn't play the roll that I assign. I'm basically assigning roles to you and to me. One quick piece of fear inventory, I'll just give it to you quickly, it's one you all got. This is one I wrote. I was afraid of being without money. I'm to ask myself why, and there were five more fears based on that. When I do fair inventory, the base fear, I'm afraid of Being Without Money. Well, what will happen if I'm without money? Well, my wife will leave me. My creditors will yell at me. I will lose everything I've got. It will prove I'm a failure. My wife will stay. But she'll be earning all the money and she'll down on me all the time. Yeah, that's what I did too. By that time it really looks pretty funny. I'm simply not trusting and relying upon God. I put in, what am I trying to accomplish? My wife believed me. Well, I am selfishly trying to keep her around because I'm okay if she's with me. my creditors will yell at me well I'm selfishly trying to have everybody like me even people I don't know I'm afraid I won't respond to their yelling correctly blah blah blah it's a simple thing I have some of it here if anybody wants to look these yellow pages in the back are inventories I carry with me but the good news in the fear inventory is the most powerful prayer and one of the most greatest awakenings I ever had the world is filled with people who are afraid and have problems who have medication and psychiatry and all kinds of things to help people learn how to cope with fear you know I don't have to learn to cope with fear the prayer says God remove this fear from me and direct my attention to what you'd have me be I had one of those burst of light deals one time saying that prayer it doesn't say what would you have me do it says direct my attention to what you would have me be and it suddenly hit me that I am no longer what I do no wonder I've been afraid all the time if I am my job anytime I'm not doing my job I am nobody if I'm the folks I'm hanging out with when I'm out with them I am somebody I'm afraid of losing all that I'm not my house and my car. I'm nothing but money in my pocket. I'm none of those things. If I am what I do, I'm always at risk because when I can't do it, I am nobody. Wondrous thing. So what does He want me to be? I'm really not sure yet. I know He wants me happy, joyous, and free and I battle that. I mean, a little of that's fine, but this is pretty serious business here. What would you have me be? And it isn't what would you have me that will put me in the history books. We're not talking about a single event that makes me be somebody. What would you have my be today? I am told clearly what that is. Kind and tolerant in my view toward others with a genuine tolerance for other people's ideas and opinions those are some of the things he'd like me to be he would like me to be of maximum service to God and to my fellow man that's what he'd want me to do that's how it says anyway and that's why my experience tells me it works when I'm doing that, it seems to be right that's where he'd let me be he wants me to so my style is unique I get along with almost everybody in AA all the different factions And there's a bunch of them. I don't have any problem with that. Everybody's got their own style. And it's just a matter of style, that's all it is. And I've got mine and you've got yours. So let's have some fun with it. What would He have me be? Each day I'm going to find that out as He reveals through me what He'd have me to be. When I was 40, He had me be something that I don't have the strength for today. He wants me to be something else today. I have been a father, I have Been an uncle, and I am already a grandpa. What? Six times over now. Plus my other family. What would He have me be? He would have me Be on time. Some of the things I've learned, God would like me to Be on Time. because that's the only time anything can happen is when you're on time. If you're late, it isn't going to happen. I had some fun the other day. There's a time when it's important to believe that God got me a parking place. Early on. You've got to let go of that pretty soon though. But there's a times it's so important because it seems that's what happened. Nothing ever went right in my life and all of a sudden I get a parking place. There's a God of parking spots. And I was taking a friend of mine to lunch at Dario's. It's a place in Denver for those who have serious garlic deficiencies. Not an Italian restaurant that you can smell for three miles. Good food. Never any place to park for blocks but we got my van drove up there anyway and as we pulled up in front somebody pulled out in front right in front and he's new to the program he said isn't that nice god got us a parking spot and i had to tell him the truth no he didn't we were just on time if would have been one minute sooner we'd have driven right on by it It would have been one minute later, the guy in front of us would have got it. We were just on time. So what would God have me be? On time. Here now. Present. This is when it's going to happen. You can tell I play with my mind a lot. It won't shut up. So I let it think about these things. I want to be effective with you and everybody I talk to. and I constantly ask for images that will convey what I'm talking about. God would have me be attentive. Not self-absorbed, but attentive. If I'm going to be of maximum service and help you meet your needs, I better pay attention before you tell me what they are. Otherwise, I'll find out what her needs are but I think they're yours and I'll try forcing them on you and we won't get along at all. He would like me to be attentive. One of the things I know God wants me to do, and I think it's funny, is He has made me a listener. That's one of the reasons He wants me to be is a listener and then you ask me to talk all the time. Well, thinking about that has given me a wondrous experience. I listen to me. now try it sometime hear what you say listen to me and I'm overwhelmed sometimes at the things that I hear myself say that I didn't know where did that come from what a fun time that is God would have me be patient really, really patient. Because my time may not be your time and I want to be there when you get there on time. I may have to wait for you a little bit. I need to be patient. That's a hard one. I'm really impatient. Having been touched by the hand of God, I want you to be touched too. I want it so bad, I'll sometimes smack you with it. Instead of being patient and waiting for it. God would have me be loving. Really don't know the dimensions of that yet. It's too big for me. But Wesley Parrish gave me one thing I can understand about it. He said, Love is the active concern for the growth and the welfare of that which you love. I can get that piece of it. Active concern forthe growth andthe welfare ofthat which you lovethe. I'm actively concerned that my granddaughter grow up healthy. By actively concerned, I mean I touch her, I talk to her, I left her we play okay I'm actively concerned that she knows that she is cared for and cared about this one is going to be a talker because she's being raised by talkers okay and I've learned to listen to her I'm learning a new language that's a lot she repeats some of those sounds it's got to be a language of some sort God wants me to be a listener it's not 10 o'clock and I think God must mean be quiet okay those of you that I haven't drawn pushed completely beyond your endurance limits we'll be back here at ten o' clock tomorrow morning and wrap it up. I am deeply touched by you. I've got about six hours of stuff to tell you. I've Got about an hour and a half left to do it in. So if you show up at 10 o'clock, we'll do that. Some really good stuff about life and death. Particularly about death. Because I just went through it with my dad. some good stuff about death. There's nothing at all wrong with death. It depends on how you live. Good night. Good night, everybody. Thank you, Father. Thank you. Good night to you. Good night! I was able to do those first two inventories while I was contained. It was two years before I could do a sex inventory, mainly because I couldn't remember much. Most of my adult sex life had taken place in my head. True. It just took a while. There's some really sick things. I ate wine and inhalers and shot speed and some pretty sick stuff. And it just took awhile for a healing to take place. So I can just take a look at it objectively because our sex inventory, if you'll notice, is very objective, very clinical approach. we're not going to say right or wrong we're going to see if you harmed anybody and precisely how did you harm people it's a conduct inventory so I learned to do it as a conduct inventory before I did it as a sex inventory the questions are pertinent to business conduct to my conduct at home to any conduct that I'm involved in these questions are pertenant to that am I arousing jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness am I being self-seeking, dishonest it helps me examine all of that in terms of my conduct. And, of course, my conduct always comes from my screwy thinking. When I finally got it done, it fit on a three-by-five card because it had mostly taken place in my head. I walked away amazed that I'd ever had children. More of an accident than anything else. That's not funny. There's a little twist here I want to pass on to you. It's a lot of fun and it's a bit different at this point and can be than the resentment inventory where you make a list and then you go through the spreadsheet. This says, whom had we hurt? And if you'll ask that question with an open spiritual mind, the list will develop itself. It's just a little shift in what's going on. It makes me responsible and more of a participant in the examination I'm giving my life. Whom have I hurt? Bad question. if you ask that question having said the prayer and are now in a spiritual state of mind, you will get the answer. It asks another question. What should I have done instead? First time we're being asked to ask that. What should i have done Instead? The answer for me is always just about anything but what I did. What should have done? instead begins to set me on the path of reconstruction and developing a new view, both toward my sexual ideal or any other ideal. I deviate a little bit from the book only in that it talks specifically about sex here because when we first come here, we need that specific. But this is so much broader than just sex. This is every relationship I have can be run through this test as a guide to my conduct. it's brutal. I have to become responsible for the fact that I know the difference between right and wrong. I'm just weak. Just weak. We subject each relation to this test. Is it selfish or not? Shit, of course it is. And with that knowledge then I can modify my behavior and my attitude in such a way that maybe my selfishness can be part of the greater good. I've learned over the years practicing this in critical situations with people. There's three questions I ask myself. First one is what do I want out of this? What is my personal agenda? I have one, and I better know what it is. It's not a moral judgment. What do I want out of this? At my very best, I want something. I want to feel good. I want To be recognized. Whatever it is, what do I want out Of this? The second one is a mean question. Is it possible that I could Be wrong? Of course it is! this puts me in a frame of mind of being willing to listen to you I could be wrong it's very doubtful but I could at least I will listen to you human relationships are about negotiation most of the time just an observation we each want something and we negotiate so that we can both come out winners if we're smart if we'RE stupid I want to win I want you to lose or I want you to win so I can lose because I learned in World War II who really won World War III. What kind of car do you drive? What kind of a TV set? Who made that one? Who owns downtown Dallas? Okay. Anyway. We stand to mold our ideals and help us live up to them. Help me with this. What a great prayer. I recognize that I am selfish and I will probably do something wrong without some guidance. Help me mold this relationship. Now, one of the things that comes out of that, in the old days everybody had to love me and I had to participate in everything. Busy, busy, busy people pleasing. The fact is today that there are people that I like to go fishing with and there are People that I Like to Go Bowling With. And I've learned not to take my bowling partner fishing. It doesn't work. There's people that I will go to a play with. There's People I won't go to dinner with. I will Go To Lunch With Females Other Than My Wife. I will not go to Dinner With Feminines Other Than My Wifes, because there is something going on here. Is it selfish or not? What am I trying to get out of this? That's what I ask myself. And it comes out of here, my being selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate. Great God. This thing is really simple for me and it's all wrapped up right here. Every situation in life is wrapped up right here for me. Whatever the ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. All I bring to life is willingness. That's all I bring. If I bring anything else, I'm bringing my agenda to the damn thing. I'm just willing to listen, to let it come about, to be a little less than selfish. Admitting I am really a selfish person, I'm willing to be a little less than selfish. If you can just show me how. So it says we treat sex as we would any other problem. I'm going to take the word sex out and read that. We treat any problem this way. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. There's no general rule. There's only a principle. Each specific matter now there's a guide let me get real personal there's one of the guides to being married for me each specific matter I was brought up with this idiotic notion that just because she's my wife I have proprietary rights over her body what a bunch of crap that is each specific matter day by day, one day at a time each time, it's a new deal that needs to be negotiated. And I can tell you negotiating with my wife is fun. There's the guy. An interesting thing came out of that for me. I discovered that there are nights I have a headache. Isn't that interesting? I'm not super stud. There are some other things in my life that are at least as interesting to me sometimes a sex that'll blow your image but it's the truth and they're not all major propositions sometimes I would rather watch Hogan's heroes I know keep coming back down to hear what I'm saying each specific matter I ask God for the right answer and the answer will come if we want it well i really want the answer that's the key i am willing to hear the answer knowing full well from my experience on this deal that most of the time i probably won't like it when i first hear it it'll be okay afterwards but not right away okay great god very simple it's all about prayer and meditation having a conversation with God. And I learned that by having conversations with you. Conversations is a two-way street. When it's my turn, I speak. When it'S my turn I shut up and you speak. And then there's those wonderful times and the reason we're still together, my wife and I, is because we have learned how precious those times are when we don't talk to each other. We just kind of hang out together. And that's what my meditation is about. We'll get to that. I'll get off base here. The principles of life are settled here for me if I will only listen. And the inventory is so that I can listen. It clears out the noise. if I'm not focused on what I should be getting and what I am afraid I won't get or what I'm afraid you'll get blah, blah, bla then I can hear to sum up once again he says we earnestly pray for the right ideal I've watched with great amusement over the years as people misconstrued that to think, what is she going to look like? What's the idea? It's not what it is. The idea has to do with my behavior. It's fun to watch it happen. The idea was tall, willowy and blonde, and guess who shows up? Short and dumpy. And she's gorgeous. And you get all confused and they don't know what the hell is going on. I just let them run amok. For guidance in each questionable situation. What is a questionable situation? Anything I'm involved in. It's easier that way. Yeah. If I'm involved in it, it's questionable. It means it needs to be questioned. What do I want out of this? is it possible I could be wrong and that third key question is it important enough to do but mainly what will be the effect on those around me if I pursue this course of action that's a great question because I seldom ever have an answer to it and because I don't have an answer I usually slow down and once I slow down then I can begin to hear again and get the guidance simple stuff those are the street terms for what's coming out of this book in each questionable situation I ask God for guidance isn't it silly to go to someone for advice and not listen to them is that silly we do that in prayer all the time you know God show me what to do be back later I'm gone I've got to sit still long enough to hear the answer. Let me get real practical about it. As a result of a number of things, what was it, a couple of years ago I had ballooned up to 215 pounds. And I tried dieting and eating right and all the disciplines, they don't work. I feel deprived. Where's mine? It just doesn't work I finally got smart one morning and in my morning visit with God said look I'm uncomfortable this isn't good and it ain't healthy would you please just show me how teach me how to eat in such a way that I can get to whatever weight you think it ought to be at because I always had targets and I went to work and I had some kind of trash rolls with me and I offered one to my boss he said no I'm not doing that this week I'm on the soup I said what are you talking about oh he showed me that cabbage soup regimen for heart patients who are about to have surgery and need to lose some weight quickly and healthily I'm an idiot I've been here a while I had just asked for direction I just got it the next guy I met gave me the direction so I started the soup it makes my family crazy cabbage soup stinks but I lost 30 pounds and kept it off I've been down to Louisiana twice in the last month and a half and I put 10 on back on but the point is I asked for direction and I brought with it a willingness And from the moment I ask the prayer of direction, I stay aware because I know it's coming. I expect God to answer. That's the deal He and I made at the very beginning. His care and protection. He will give me guidance if I ask for what I expected. What He expects is for me to listen. No big deal, but it's that practical. I met her through prayer. I had finally gotten through adolescence. I was 42 or 43 years old. Finally made it. I lived at the base of a 14,000 foot mountain, Mount Princeton in Colorado. The Arkansas River was my front yard about a half a mile away. I worked six hours a day at the reformatory doing what I loved, working with inmates. had two teenage boys an old black dog and a white Siamese cat and my life was really pretty good we went fishing when we pleased and we just kind of did what we pleased we were as close to barbarians as you can get and not get locked up in this country and I clearly said to God one morning thank you very much I'm really satisfied and I don't care if there's ever another woman in my life, but I will do whatever you have in mind. Which did the deed. Because two weeks later when I came over to Denver through a series of wonderfully romantic circumstances, I met her. We are people who normally would not mix. She'd never even seen a real alcoholic. And I'm convinced today had she known me Maybe when I was active, we would not have even visited for a minute. I have intuitive thoughts sometimes and I was in Denver and it just overwhelmed me to go see a kid I had sponsored. I hadn't seen him for a long time because this was 120 miles out of town and I couldn't shake it. So I went to see Jimmy and he went quiet. I found him at work. I didn't even know where he lived. I found him at work, and he went quiet. He said, I've been looking for you. I was hoping you'd show up. I need to have you do something for me. He said my wife works for this lady. And I said, Jimmy, don't do this to me. He says, oh, come on. My wife works with this lady, and she thinks you two guys ought to get together. And I say, Jimmy don't you do this. Don't do that to me, he said. Please, just get Vi off my back. You don't have to marry the lady. Just have dinner. Well, I did. And we've been married now coming up on 21 years without a fight. The prayer was, I'm satisfied as I am, but whatever you have in mind is better than what I have in mine. And it wasn't an easy choice. For the first time in my life, I made a conscious, well-thought-out decision. And being in love wasn't enough. It was good, but it wasn't enough. To uproot my entire life and my boys and upload her family, she had two little girls, it wasn'T enough. Because what we concluded was that we either had to stop seeing each other or make a lifetime commitment out of this. One or the other. I went back to the mountain and thought about it for three days and prayed about it I looked over all the stuff I'd have to give up. There's always self involved, you've got to get to it. I married Jackie because I became willing to grow old with her. That's what did it. I'm willing to go on with her, we travel well together. That may not sound very romantic, but it's been the basis of a pretty good deal. Our home is God-centered. And it's no big deal. It's not full of ritual. Well, it is right now because our daughter is a young Catholic and she does this kind of thing all the time. I don't know what's going on. But it's alright. In fact, it's fun to watch the grandson because when we say grace at dinner, they're all doing this and I don' t. It's just not part of my ritual. So I pray with him, and every night I watch him. He's watching me. He's trying to figure out how come I'm not doing that. I seem to be doing everything else. Why am I not doing it? And I'm going to say a word or just let him figure it out. Someday he'll ask me, and I'll have to tell him the truth. I don't know. I just don't do that. I guess. for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity I can pray for sanity I pray very specifically for things and I have to ask myself what does that mean to me well the definition in the book Alcoholics Anonymous is the one I use, it's simpler insanity is defined as lack of proportion and the ability to think straight So that's defined in the story about the car salesman named Jim. He said, we call this plain insanity. How could such lack of proportion and the ability to think straight be called anything else? So the only reference I have for sanity is that there will be proportion and I'll be able to think straighten. So that is what I pray for. Serenity is one. The only reference that I have of sanity is there will be proportion and I will be able to think straighten so that's what I pray for serenity is one thought at a time I'm praying to keep my mind clear we all tend to get caught up I know I do in my emotions being what's real they're created by my mind if I try to run my life based on how I feel I'm usually screwed up pretty good because that isn't what I'm doing anyway it's what i think the cause of me problems grant me sanity here grammy proportion how important is it I'm an alcoholic lack of proportion is easy for me understand I rarely ever get angry but I go from mr. cool to killer rage just like that for really important reasons fear is something that I'll pay a quarter for get on the roller coaster and get the adrenaline cooking what I like is terror that's got meaning I can go from quiet to raw terror that gets me out of bed so I'm gonna work there's no proportion in it if one works take ten that's really not very smart but it's smart to me that's how I think no proportion okay I'm lonely get two girls can't even handle one I didn't have a car in high school I had an image and a maroon 49 mercury convertible with leopard skin seat covers got that car because I knew it would put two blonde girls in the back seat, and it did the first day. That's who I was. The girls broke the top of the second van. I didn't want the car anymore, and I just did what I do to let my dad take care of getting rid of it. Lack of proportion and the ability to think straight. So I pray, give me some sanity, some proportion. On a very practical level this becomes an awareness deal for me if i start using profanity it's a guide for me it tells me whether you feel it or not chump you're starting to get angry slow down get some proportion it's unnecessary if i yell i'm already out of control God never yells at me why would I yell at you and why would I ever yell at a child well I do damn it that's when it's time to back off it's my guide, I'm automatically wrong I can be absolutely right if I'm yelling at you, I'll be automatically wrong it just irritates me to know that proportionately I ask for that what can I bring to this situation not a bad guide and for strength to do the right thing that's the basic A prayer now we've all gotten spiritual we've got wisdom we know what's wrong we know who's right oh now what I can't do it what an order I can go through with it do the Right Thing grant me the strength to do The Right Thing Basic prayer. Danny, you're new. You want to know how to pray? Just ask for guidance and direction and strength to do the right thing. That's where you start and that's where we end. After all this work, that's what we ended up in. Not a bad guy. It works. If any problem is very troublesome, whether it be sex or work or money, if it's very, very troublesome our answer is we throw ourselves the harder into helping others that's the answer whatever the problem we go help somebody else it takes us out of ourselves my problem is always self we hope you're convinced that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you from it and that's what we're talking about here so I got that done the first two pieces inventory it was a shabby one it was just short when it was the little one I didn't have much memory left but it was this way some of the inventory I carry you'll notice it looks pretty much the same and it spans the number of years haven't changed it much there's a couple times that I have to put in after the third column why is this a threat to me just to clarify things I usually find it out afterwards it's not important that's just a little thing I do but I finished this deal and I got to tell you I wasn't about to go back to my sponsor remember he had told me that's garbage get away from me and I'm taking no chances so I used the book as a guide it says in there there's a principle it says such parts of our story we tell to someone who will be unaffected they're talking specifically about a different deal but there's the principal there so I looked around for someone who would be unaffected by what I had to say and I picked a fellow named Jim who had come into the program the same time I had he's as new as I was and there was another funny thing going on it was a feeling I could not identify I knew that somehow by me telling Jim about the garbage of my life his would become better and he really needed to have something happen for him Jim is the first one in Colorado to be doing time who's doing three to five four vehicular homicide he had done what every one of of us in this room has been terrified we would do someday. In a drunken blackout, he killed some people with his car. He had no memory of it. He didn't know that as a truth but he was doing time for it. I knew what I had done. I was there because I'd done what they said I'd have done and I belonged there. He was baffled because he didn't have any memory And I knew somehow that this would make his life better. So I did my fifth step with Jim and he never said, oh, that's not that bad. He said very little that day. He listened to me and when I'd run dry, he'd poke a little bit and we stirred some stuff up that wasn't on the paper that we went ahead and got rid of. And I had an incredible experience that day, I stopped being alone. up until that point the only way I can describe it is that there was me and whoever I needed you to be none of you were ever real and somehow that afternoon with Jim it became me and Jim in that room he was separate he was himself he wasn't who I needed him to be he was just Jim and somehow I stopped being alone I also recognized at the end of it because I went back to my cell to do the little review, that I'd finally finished something. You know, I've been eating my whole life. I've done a lot of things and I've never been a sprinter in the game of life, not a long distance runner. Now I'm in for the game. I finally finished nothing. It was a shabby little thing and I knew it. I knew I had a lifetime of work ahead, but I'd finish this. It was as done as could be done. so in my seven step prayer I added something to it because I knew I had a lifetime of work ahead after I said the prayer I asked God please don't let the stuff I haven't found yet kill me before I get to it I've got some fresh inventory here I'm still getting to it and it's no longer I'm going to tell you, it's a little boy who wore his pants. The stuff I find today is so shabby, I just wonder how in the world can I be so petty? It's not world-shaking stuff, it' s petty crap. But that's what will kill me. I believe that the entire spiritual process hinges on these departure points and there's one at the sixth step. The whole business from here forward hinges on one word in the sixth step. Objectionable. We ask God to remove from us those things we have found objectionable. It is in my nature as an alcoholic that if I had, let's just take any bad character trait I've got you cannot threaten me with anything and get me to change it's not going to happen you can't offer me great rewards and get me to change I'll change my behavior while you're watching but I won't change the only time I ever change is when I object to being what I am I have to personally objective the instant I object who it changes but until then nothing will change it so the inventory is a little hard on me it shows me all the things I don't want to be inventory is not so i can find out who i am it's so i can find it who i'm not so we can get rid of that and then who i am will show up there'll be room for him this is kind of how i view the thing since i was little until i got put off on it when i was little my heart's desire has always been to be able to stand anywhere on the planet and tell whoever walked by how much i love my god and i stopped doing that because they make fun of you when you do that today that's what i do that's who i am i must tell you if you get close to me how much I love my god I don't care whether you believe me or even want to do it or not it doesn't matter I just get to do that what a wonderful thing and I belong to an organization that not only lets me do that encourages me to do that we'll pay my airfare to come and do that isn't that weird so I finished that deal with Jim and I entered into my evangelistic stage about them around the six or seven step if you're not eager to to go save the world, I worry that we've missed something. That's the experience. That's what happens. Because at this point, God is alive and well if you've done this. And I really wanted to make amends and straighten the past up, and they wouldn't let me out. So my personal experience may be a little different than some. My experience was that I did not get free at the ninth step, making amends. I got free at eighth step, getting willing to make amends My sponsor gave me an exercise There's all kinds of principles in the big book about how to handle each situation There's only one real principle there If I've harmed you, I owe you And I must do something about it No slack For all the words, that's really what it comes down to. If I harm you, I owe you and I must do something about it. I must be careful about doing something about so I don't harm you all over again. But I must say, I must have to do something about it." So, Bruce says, Look, we know who you harmed. We've got this list of people. He says, We know what you did to them. But you are so insensitive you have no idea what it did to you. so how are you going to figure out what you should do to straighten it up you don't even know what you did to him he said I want you to go back to your cell tonight and take this list of people and separately write them down then add anybody else you can think of because if you met him you messed with him I don't believe the whole world amends but that was a correct attitude he said I want to I want for you to close your eyes and picture each one right in front of you and see if you can feel a willingness to look each one right in the eye and say to them, I have been wrong and I've harmed you. Would you please tell me what I have to do so we can get these books to balance? And as I went over the list that night, I felt as if I had been lifted from my chair. No weights were lifted from me. I was lifted and set free. Because I really, to this day, if I have caused you any harm at all, you tell me what I have to do and we'll get it square. And it set me free. Pretty soon I got to start wandering in tears talking to the guys who couldn't get out of their cells. but I was free in here that doesn't mean everything was wonderful I had a guy who went to the main sponsor school he said I know you're anxious to get out because I was anxious thank God for that 12-step study school because I had someplace to let the energy off he said look some of these things can be dealt with by mail And some you'll just have to live with until you can get to them. And some of them you're just going to have to live with. Jack Brennan put words on that for me. My garbage doesn't stink anymore. Doesn't mean I don't still have some garbage, but God took the stink off. So this vicious human being that I was being sponsored by had me go back to my cell and make a list of who I could write a letter to and who I would have to wait and see. And then he reviewed my list and changed it. It seems his view were that some of the people that I thought I should go see, I could probably take care of with a letter. And some of them I was eager to write, I probably needed to go look them right in the eye. And we began that wonderful process. I had on Christmas Day, we didn't have any money as I already told you. And I went down to the drugstore where I'd been passing script and got a dollar and a half's worth of Christmas tree lights on credit. I had to write this guy a letter telling him who I was, where I was why I was there and that I had ripped him off for a dollar and a halve on those Christmas treelights I made ten cents a day, that was my wages and out of that I hade to buy all my toiletries we worked out a budget would he accept a quarter of a month from me until that was paid off? That's really hard on a big-time gangster's ego. A quarter of money. He said, yes, he would. I've been taught to pray before each man. The big book says that while I'm trying to put my life in order, that is not an end in itself. My real purpose in making amends and getting straight with the world. My real purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God knows about me. And one of the ways I do that, I'm free already before I come to you. Okay? So that can't be the purpose of me coming to you to get free. I'm already free. I'm there because I owe you. Nothing more. And over the years my experience has told me that in doing that somehow I make it possible for you to get free too. That's the service I'm going to provide. And so I got thinking about that. Did you ever sit around and listen to people talking about the one who isn't there? Because they don't like him anymore. If only Joel could admit he was wrong, I could forget it. I don't know how many times I've listened to him or heard that. If only he would admit they were wrong, I could be free. and that's what it says i'm supposed to do go say i was wrong it's hard for an alcoholic the word doesn't fit well in our mouth i mean i can say i am contrite oh i'm sorry my sponsor said i was never allowed to say that he says you've been sorry your whole life. You get to say, I was wrong and I harmed you. And here's what I think I can do to help straighten it out. But what do you think? I must leave it open for that. You know what that does? It made it possible for me to make amends to my mother. Because what you do after He asked the question, what do I have to do? You shut up and listen while I tell you. It was of great concern to me because I was fully aware that I had put my mother, who is a very loving person, in a position to say on Christmas Day, you and your children cannot come to my house anymore. How do you make up for that? Nothing that I could ever think of would square that deal.