Russell S. – The Bondage of Thinking About Yourself – 2025

I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink since January 25th, 1981. I'm in my 45th year of sobriety and I'm 76 years old. Married. I've been married for about 44 years. I got sober. My sponsor said don't make any major moves during your first year. I got married after three months so don't talk to me about relationships it's the best thing I ever did my wife asked me the other day are we going to be together in heaven I said sweetie it's till death do us part don't be looking for me she's a good sport no she's not what is that it's called feedback so it's good to see uh i thank you very much richard and the group for inviting me it's really a privilege to be here i was thinking i actually did an event here 20 years ago uh so i remember the group it was great group i did 20 years go and that's about right usually usually i get to speak before a group a second time 20 years years later when everybody dies and they've already gotten over the talk and they forgot about it so uh so i'm it's about this time in my talk that i started thinking to myself i wish i had planned something to say this would have been a good time so i was going to tell my i was gonna tell my world famous talking humility but i never do it with a group this small so we'll just chuckle off. But it really gets good. Let me tell you something, it gets better during the third hour of this talk. So I'm going to do a little... You know what? If you put a gun to my head, or maybe not, even if I... I speak around a lot and thank God that's something that I do to try to help myself and other people. And, you know, You know, when you go to an event like this or I'm going to be speaking up in Calgary and, you know, maybe at dinners or stuff like that. You know people in one sense, you go the event like that, you want to be entertained, you wanna hear some funny stories which are good. I love listening to the good speakers, I don't want any lecture or preaching or anything like that I want somebody to answer. I want to laugh and get out and say, hey, man, was that guy good? And I could do a faith allot, you know, and I'll probably do it. I mean a drunk allot and I could probably do a little of that for you and I probably will. But, you Know, when you get to be around 76 years old and you've gone through a few things, you now, through repeated humiliations and crushings of self-sufficiency and maybe you're starting to see a few more doctors than you'd like to see and maybe I'm sitting down because I can't really stand up real well and stuff like that. You start getting the feeling like, you know, you're in the home stretch. You start thinking about different things. And all of a sudden you read the big book that you've been reading all your life and you're reading stuff in the big books that you never read before. Or maybe you read it before. There's an old saying, a man could see something 999 times and see it the thousandth time and see for the first time and all of a sudden you've been reading a book for five or ten years that's all about not drinking and going to meetings and not drinking even if your ass falls off and intensive work with other alcoholics will assure sobriety and one day you pick up the book and there's nothing in the book about drinking it's all abut God it's al about well that's the main purpose of this book to help you find the power that will help you live and save your life. And all of a sudden, you read a part of the book that says our job is to be of not only maximum service to God and other people but every alcoholic in his own life, which is from his own point of view talks about how he developed this relationship with God and you start thinking is that what I'm supposed to be talking about? Is that what I'm suppose to be? All of a son you start I probably read the big book a gazillion times, I can quote it Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers you know the 12 and 12 the bible a lot that's a whole story that happened to me during my AA experience it doesn't have to be your experience it certainly was the founders experience Dr. Bob and the old timers said point blank he said when they said what's first things first mean you guys have first things first around these rooms so you guys You know what Dr. Bob says that means? Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things will be added unto you. You know, the big book says, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. I want you to think about that. Rarely have we see a person fall who has thoroughly followed our path on page 42. It also says our program is drastic. I get a lot of guys that see me after they've been in and out 23-4 times, and they say they really want to do it now. Now they're going to do the, they're really going to force them, I'm not even sure I even need this thing but... Yeah you do, they catch you in the back. Whatever's going on here, but hey we're really gonna do a four step, I really gonna help other people, I am really going do this, I will really gonna to do that. I look at him and I say, well, didn't you do that stuff the last ten times? Didn't you do the fourth step? He says, yeah. Didn't you help other people? He says yeah. Didn't you join a hub? He says yeah. So you're telling me that you failed like five or six times but you're going to do now. You're telling me this. You've got it all down. You're going to do exactly what you were doing the last five times so I said why don't we only work on what you are not doing well we talked about what you're not doing because she thought it was too drastic because maybe maybe the issue is not what you were willing to do maybe we ought to talk about what your not willing to them I just say that because one of things I want sponsors to tell me and there's to tell these what I'm not doing sometimes I think people tell me this is what I want to do I'm going to do this and that to protect themselves from me saying something like you ought to read the Bible or you oughta go to church even though the big book says we encourage church membership most of us belong to things like that maybe you oughtta maybe you just want to do all the psychological stuff the cool stuff the stuff that you can do that people won't think you're stupid maybe you don't want to have the idea of God and seeking him first and your real reliance has to be on God he will show you how to create the fellowship you crave see to it your relationship is right maybe you don't want to do that stuff because you're worried about what people think about you now I know you tell yourself all the time you don' t give a crap what other people think about you because I used to tell myself all the times, I don't give a crack what they think about me, sometimes I'd say it out loud I'd be drinking and I'd said I don' d give a crac when they think about me And when I stopped worrying about what people thought about me, when that happened, I realized that the reason I told myself all the time that I didn't give a crap what people thought about me is because all I worried about is what people were going to think about me. Usually it's after a long period of time when you're thinking about what somebody's thinking about you because you did something stupid. That's when you start saying, oh, I don't give a crap. Because we're delusional. That's what the big book says. And we can't separate the true from the false. Our alcoholic life seems the only normal one. And what that means is it not only has to do with drinking, it has to deal with the real deal in the book. It has to go with the problem of our thinking. Because the big books says, it actually says this in one of the paragraphs, drinking is but a symptom of the disease. It's not even the important part. You see, nobody here is drinking. Nobody has a drinking problem. That young man who I gave the book, he doesn't have a drinking problem. He hasn't had to drink in two days. He has no drinking problem, his only problem is to not go back to drinking. And the reason why people who have not drank for a while, days, 20 years or something like that go back to drinking is right before they take that first drink. They're physically sober. They're not drinking because of a physical craving. They're drinking because they're fucking insane. It's funny but it's true. They're drink because they are crazy. And if you read the book, if you read the paragraphs, each paragraph, you realize that the book says our real problem centers in our mind, not our body. So unless you've got a spare brain in your car, you're screwed if you're physically sober because everything you see and do is based upon what you think. That's the problem. That's what the second step says. What it actually says, it says we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And my thinking is if you're sane, you don't need to be restored. So the only people that need to restored are insane people. And what I've also learned and seen in my own life is just because you stop drinking doesn't make you sane. And if you don't understand that, you need to sponsor a lot more people for a longer period of time. Because 20, 30 years sober, we're still nuts. So the big book says, rarely have I seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. And you know where it says that? It says that just a little aside. It says in the big Book, which was written in 1939 Bill Wilson's was three and a half years sober 1939 when he was three-and-a-half years over it said that you know what he started 1935 start for you for that check if that's for me because because sometimes my wife tracks me down It started four years before the big book was written. So when they say, really have they seen Harrison Phillips thoroughly followed our path? Their path had nothing to do with reading the big books. If you don't understand that, I'm not sure I could possibly help you. You're going to have to go to some other source to figure that one out. The 12 and 12, the big book, all that stuff had nothing to do with their saying so. It had something to do with what they were reading before the Big Whisperer. You don't want to know what they're reading? Read Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers. There's a paragraph in there about Dr. Bobby said the books we found absolutely essential. You need to look up the word essential. Essential means essential. Absolutely essential means they were absolutely essential to read these books. Rarely have we seen a person fail those thoroughly followed path means if you're not following this path, but when they were following, you're just playing fucking games. You're just using half measures which by the way in the end one, in the N1, half measures lead to nothing. Now, you've got to understand something. At 76 years of age and in my 45th year of sobriety, trust me on this. You may not understand the word I'm saying. You may totally disagree with this. You may walk out of here saying, who the hell invited this asshole? You know, and I get that. And that's okay. That's okay with me. As a matter of fact, I pray that at least 25% of the people who walk out of here hate my guts because what that means is, well, You know when you throw a rock into a group of dogs, the one that yelps the loudest is the one that gets hit. What it means is that I've hurt somebody's feelings or they've got pissed at me and our spiritual action says whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. The great news is I'll walk out of here feeling good like I did my job. I didn't conform myself to all your thinking here because it's not like I'm all that you have. I had what you had. I had that deal. where I know what people think about me. I prefer to be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much more heaven and knowing peace. I prefer that promise that very few people get, and sometimes only happens after 20, 30 years, 40 years. I prefer their promise we lose fear of people and of economic insecurity. I prefer for that promise because when you lose fear of people, you never have to run anything through your brain like, Well, I can't say that. Or what if I say that? Or why did I say or any of that stuff? You don't have to drive around in the car at 10 or 15 years sobriety and all of a sudden hearing those voices. I'm such an asshole, I ought to kill myself. I'm a jerk, I'm loser, I'll never be OK. And you turn around in shower of the car to see who's saying that shit to you and you're the only one in the card. Because with all the bullshit you're trying to impress other people with, That's what you really think about. That's your reputation with you, about you. And you know what that is, by the way? I just want to let you know. That's alcoholism. That's the real alcoholism That's why it's caused you to drink after 22 years. That's The Real Deal. And you don't have to believe that. You can slide this off to the side and I'll catch you later, eight or ten years from now when you come up to me and say I used to hate you but now I love you after you've gone through the deal. because the one thing I have that you don't have this isn't putting you down or saying like I'm better than you or anything like that because I'm just an alcoholic I'm a product of Alcoholics Anonymous this is what happens you stay around AlcoholicsAnonymous too long and you watch what's going on and you pay attention this iswhat happens I don't know what to tell you I'm sorry you cut through the bullshit you just go right to the story And the problem is, you guys have guys with five years sobriety that call you up about their problems or 10 years sobrietty or 15 years or 20 years sobretty. I get guys with 35 years sobrierity. I get guy who are dying. I get who've been around doing this stuff for a long time and they're not happy with their sobriete. You know, Bill Wilson said, this is an interesting thing, he said in the big book, here and there once in a while, an alcoholic, former drinker, says I feel better. I look better. I'm having a better time. I'm grateful. All this stuff. He says we laugh at that. He said he wrote this at three and a half years. We laugh at that? We know he's soon going to try again and again because he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness is what you do. You'll be at the chumming off place. He wrote that at three-and-a-half years. We all sort of worship Bill Wilson and everything like that. And I love Bill Wilson. I loved him for years, but you know he was not my higher power. It used to be my higher power. The group used to do my higher power. The conference, you know what the conference is? Bill Wilson had 17 years or something like that and everybody else had about 15 years of giant business meeting and they all came up with these rules all been really sort of nice and everything but they're not my higher power. The trustees in AA might not be my highest power. But here's what happened. I want you to think about this. Three and a half years sober, Bill Wilson said there will come a time in every alcoholic's life that he'll have no defense against the first drink. It's got to come from God, from a higher power. He said that three and a half years. Brilliant, you know? I happen to believe that it's God-inspired, God infused that book. I don't believe Bill Wilson wrote that at all, except on doing, you now, I mean, I think there was something else going on. Now here's the interesting thing. At 19 years of sobriety, he was taking LSD. now you may not I don't say that to put them down because everybody knew about it back then he wrote about it because at 21 years this is why he's so amazing I imagine all the pride of false pride amounts to have been a founder he wrote an essay called Emotional Sobriety The Next Frontier and he started talking about all these old timers at that time an old timer like had 19 years 19 years if you have like a year now and I ask you has your mind changed since you came in, since you had two days you would say oh absolutely how much has it changed? Oh everything's changed if you had five years right now I said would you like to go back to one year he says oh man I was fucking crazy wow so if you have ten years now I said do you like going back to five years they said what are you kidding me? I was nuts if you have 20 years now and I said, have you changed? would you like to go back to 10 years? he said, oh man, forget it you got 30 years I said would you want to go to 20 years every day, every year God will surely disclose to us you know what it says in the big book this ought to make you feel good this is a book you worship and you follow last page, third paragraph we know but a little that's helpful God will disclose to you you don't get it you don' t know it it gets disclosed over a period of 30-40 years you change, the book changes everything changes based upon the people you hang out with and the books you read and all of a sudden at 10 years you're reading stuff you never saw before whole different stuff and you're just reading everything you never seen see the problem is Everybody reads the big book, but nobody reads the paragraphs. Everybody knows the big buck. Everybody knows acceptance is the answer to all my problems and their favorite lines, and they think it means something. But nobody ever sits down and actually sees the paragraphs, they read certain paragraph. Oh, we got a big book here, let's read a paragraph. I think I'll read a paragrap for you so you get something out of this thing. Let's just take a paragraph and we'll wrap out. Let me see, I'll go to, I'm going to, this is what, we go to a paragraph. Okay, here's one. Did we read chapter 5 here? Yes. Yes, they did read how... You guys all understood chapter 5, right? The one where it says God couldn't win if he saw it? Yes. Whatever that means. you may not believe this but one day you'll be reading chapter 5 if you stay sober for 20-30 years you'll read chapter 5 it'll mean something different to you all of a sudden you'll read the line there is one who has all power and that one is God may you find him now it'll means something different before it means God is your understanding. God is your understanding according to your understanding, according to your mind. But you're fucking crazy. I'm sitting down with a sponsor. Sponsor for these guys. and he's got a problem, he's all, you know generally when the sponsor comes up to you with a problem 90% of the time trust me this is true you can tell immediately they've been thinking a lot laughter you ever notice that? and they talk at a 78-hour and he says, you've been thinking a while about this, haven't you? he says yeah, yeah laughter you know there's a line in the big book that says drinking is just a symptom, the real problem sentences in her mind. Did you ever read the other sentences? I think, well maybe that's true, you know, but I don't want to give up, but so I say look let me ask something before we start talking about this. Let's get some ground rules. I've got 44 years. You got like 44 days, hours, whatever it is, five years, whose brain would you like to use on this? I'm not going to give you any hints here that's the way my mind is going on I just want to see who's brain so I can see who I'm dealing with and 90% of the time this is true they'll say, I want to use your brain which is probably why they came to me in the first place I said good and then we'll discuss this problem and I'll say a few things and they'll be like, yeah but you know what I think and I say, whoa whoa why are we discussing what you think didn't you already agree to use my brain because the Dr. Bob Goodall says the books we found absolutely essential were 1 Corinthians 13 the book Sermon on the Mount and the book of James the first AA meeting in the history of A according to the grapevine was Dr. Bob putting his foot on the rungs of a dining room chair and reading Sermon on the Mount now I can stand up in any A room in the world and talk about the fact how I'm an atheist who's sort of thinking it has to be abandoned or agnostic or I don't need the God thing nobody will say a fucking word to me but if I mention Jesus they'll crucify me they'll say you're killing newcomers they'll think who the hell is this and you never hear that stuff in AA you heard it all the time the first four years you never heard that stuff in AA, and the reason you never hear that shit in AA why people don't talk about what they were really doing in this thing is because everybody's scared of what everybody else will think about and they worry about that stuff, but you'd surprise the shit you say when you don't worry about what the guy in the front row who's not even paying your visa bill is thinking about you'd be surprised how easy life is God will disclose you can't give away what you don't got and A is going to give you a lot of stuff it's going to gives you the ability to not only be rocked into the fourth dimension and experience much of heaven it's gonna give you the possibility to know peace I wonder what that's like I wonder what it's like to know piece I wonder peace feels like you know but you can't give that away if you don't got it so how do you get that when do you you know the thing about using the LSD is not a big deal but you know I had a friend who had 11 years this happens all the time in AA had 11 year and he went to a psychiatrist you know why because sometimes when you have 11 years or 12 years or 20 years or something like that when you're doing all the AA work and all the stuff and sponsoring 10 million people and speaking to me and all this stuff you wake up one morning and you realize you're not happy with your sobriety most of the time you're unhappy with your sorority before you realize you're unhappy with your sobority but sometimes events come together and you go something I don't know if you've ever heard this but many some people in AA say I hit my second bottom there's a second bottom in AA there's the bottom that happens in AA that happens sometimes 5, 10, 15 years down the road and some people have the second bottom drinking it and some People they just have an emotional bottom like you know that kind of thing but some people go to a psychiatrist or a doctor or start looking around somewhere other than god to figure out what's going on and they find xanax like my friend john did and the doc says well it's your problem is brain chemistry and they give him some xanaxe and then three years later john was drinking but he started drinking when he started chewing his boots you know what i mean some people do some sometimes what you realize, what happens is it's the drug or the pharmaceutical or whatever it is, it's hypnosis. Whatever the heck it is, its anything but God. And the reason they use it is because they're not happy with it because physical sobriety is just not enough and they don't have what they really need. And that is to be reborn. Because the big book says you were reborn. You probably didn't read that. There's a lot of paragraphs in big book that people don't understand the paragraphs because you can't understand a lot of stuff in the big book until you've gained the password and you can gain the password until you your perception changes and the only way your perception change is if you're now called is by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of your self-sufficiency that's why that's the young man's here that's what he stood up because of in his life now he's had repeated humiliation and the crushing of his self- sufficiency so he's willing to Come in here and listen. And that's the only way you get in here. And sometimes you'd like to think that you get in here when you want to get in gear, but I'll tell you when you stop dancing with the gorilla when the gorilla gets tired. You know what I mean? And that is when you get here. And sometimes, you get here enough to pick up a white chip or to do the thing, but you don't get here enough to really think about God. So Bill Wilson, at 19 years, by the way, three years before, two or three years after the conference, That conference, three years later he was doing the LSD and then two years after that 21 years sobriety he wrote a book called, he wrote an essay called The Next Frontier Emotional Sobriety. So you guys who love Bill Wills' writings of 3 1⁄2 years where he said, it says here and there once in a while, had an alcohol drive the moment since feel better look better have a better time we left that sobriete. He was writing about something he was going to go through at 19 years, when he started looking for something else outside of AA in order to get better. And then he wrote an essay called The Next Frontier and in the essay it's four or five pages that has a lot of great stuff. He talks about how he was just going down the tubes and he couldn't understand he was doing everything. He was the co-founder of AA, he was doing everything and he came to certain conclusions. He said, there's a lot of old timers that beat the booze thing, but they're unhappy with their sobriety. And then what happened is he talked about, he said, I have been wronged. I based all my defense on AA and all these little things we do in AA and says the real defense has to be with God. But Dr. Bob was right on, Dr. bob was solid. That's why the last words were that Dr.Bob said to Bill Wilson, because she could see that in an individual when they're looking at the world and the things of this world and to get satisfied and everything like that. You can see that in the individual. You know, the 12 and 12, you know, it does a little bait-and-switch. It says we don't want to deprecate material achievement, but nobody makes a worse point of living than people that are looking at things, you now? God's got to be the central factor. By the way, that is the great fact. By way that is a great fact, God's gotta be the essential fact of your life. You know how you tell whether God is a central fact of their life? All you do is think about it. That's it. You know, I could tell what you know, how you could tell that God is serious part of your life when you can talk about him in any means like I'm talking about. You know, when you can't talk about him in any means like I'm talking about it's because you're worried about what people think about you. You know what that means? That means you'll be in the worst kind of bondage you'll ever be in your life. The only bondage that you're always worried about is what people think about you no matter what happens, even if your house was being foreclosed on. You won't worry so much about the house foreclosing on, you'll worry about what people will think about you if they hear you have a house fore closed on. If you lose your job, you won't be worried about losing your job so much as you're worried about what will people think if they know you don't have money. They'll be worrying about your looks, they'll be worry about your car. It's the worst disease, and you want to tell you something? The drinking is but a symptom. The real disease is your bondage to your thinking about yourself and worrying about what other people think about you. You know what cure is that? You focus only upon God and what he wants you to do. That's the deal. That's what focuses upon that. No, no, no. This is just some stuff I learned. So I'm going to tell your story. Well, listen, I'm an alcoholic because no woman, no car, no amount of money ever worked just as well as just a few drinks. That's why I drank it. You've got to speak into the microphone. They can't hear you in the back. They can hear me in the bank? No. Well, they're paying rapt fucking attention. Maybe they're the lucky ones. Maybe they are the lucky once. What do you think? Thank God everybody is not hearing this shit. They paid big money to hear it. Oh, okay. So anyway, so that's why I drank. And so I drank myself, you know, so I got married. Beautiful girl, lovely girl, wonderful girl. I met her in college. I looked at her. I said, well, and I used to wake up in the morning and say, oh, if I only had a new car. If I only have a new girl. If only I could get laid. If only if I had more money. If only, if only. I was an if-only-er and a yes-butter. When you wake up and you tell yourself if only you had this, you'd be okay, what you're telling yourself is you're not okay. You don't realize that. You're just saying, if I only had this. So you go after it. You don' t get it. You feel bad. It doesn' t even matter because you get it, it does' n't help anyway. So I said, if only I had that girl, I'd be okay. She was a cheerleader. She was gorgeous, 5'9", gorgeous gal. Came from a family of doctors, lawyers. I immediately realized that I had been studying. I graduated Department of the Law and Mathematics, going for my Ph.D. in Algebraic Topology. I was going to be a math professor. I met this gal. I immediately realized that I should be a lawyer. If you ask me, why did you become a lawyer? You were going to become a math teacher. You were a math professional all your life. He says, oh, no, I like Terry Mason. I became a lawyer to get in some gal's pants. Now, you guys have integrity. I have no integrity. I go whichever way I'm going to go. You know what I mean? You put me in a group of racists. I'm putting on the white uniform and everything like that. But I'm going to do whatever I got to do because I am a world-class whore for people's attention in the world. All I care about is me. You know, I read that part of the book, selfishness, self-centeredness, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion and self-seeking, we step on toes with others, they retaliate seemingly without provocation when we've made decisions based upon self and what we want, which puts us in a position to be hurt. So an alcoholic self will run right. So I asked my sponsor, what the hell does that mean? He says, you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. I said, I like the way they say it in the big book better. You get yourself one of them sponsors that tell you things that hurt your feelings. Say, this guy's not fucking nice at all. You know, it's like when you go to the doctor and they give you a syringe and they say first you're going to feel a pinch and then the medicine. And this thing, first you get the kick in the ass, you know, they hit you in the solar plexus, they slap you around, they say you're stupid and then you get the medicine. Don't get one of these guys that want to be a friend and they're nice to you. Get one of those guys that say why don't you go out and drink we don't need your bullshit. So here's the paragraph because you guys read the big book everybody's read the Big Book right? So let me read you a paragraph here's just one paragraph out of many being convinced being convinced of what? Oh listen, God is you understand him right? Oh yeah, that's the thing God is your understanding Isn't that the great thing? I said, oh, isn't that great? God, did you understand them? You know what Bill Wilson said about that? He said, I could make that my beginning. You guys have read that part. I could start from that point. Most people start and end from that point. Later on in 1212, it says, soon we'll come to call his name. Some guy will come up to me and says, you know, I believe in God. And I said, oh, you believe in the concept of God. Yeah, I believe in The Concept of God How do you have a relationship with a concept? He says, see the way you relate to it I mean, I have a relation with Sheldon You know, I've had a relationship With a lot of men and women And everything like that It's like having a relationship With your car I said I know you believe In God, do you believe God? He says what do you mean? I said well do you belive God? He says I don't know what you're talking about I said do you belief God? It's a simple question I swear I don' know what your talking about I said, I know you don't know what they talk about because you don' t have any God. You've got some sort of imaginary creature that's looking in your mind. It's whatever you feel like at the time. You base it on your feelings, your emotions. God allows you to do this. God allows me to do that. God is this. God is that. God would never hurt you. God would ever hurt you, right? Well, you're going to learn some lessons about that deal. You know what it says about us in the big book? You just didn't read that paragraph or you didn't understand. He says, we are undisciplined, so we allow God to discipline us. You know how God disciplines you? The IRS comes in and audits you and takes all your money. You say, why would God allow that to happen to me? Because you spend more money than you make. Because you spent money on shit. You spend money on stuff, on money you don't have, on crap you don'T need to impress people you DON'T like. You know why? Because you're a whore. That's basically it. By the way, I know you guys are spiritual and not religious. I understand that's the thing. I'm a material girl in a material world. I'm of world-class whore. I know I'm world- class whore because when I finally insinuated myself into that woman's life and I got her to marry me and she was wonderful and we bought a house and I started working for the state's attorney's office as a division chief there, major crimes, prosecuting major crimes. and I used to go every night to the alibi lounge which I helped name by the way because I had my own seat there and I stayed there until 4 o'clock in the morning and I never physically cheated on my wife I would just sit there drink and look at the blondes or the brunettes and said if I wasn't married I could go out that one well I never physical cheated but I would come home at 2 o' clock, 3 o' lock, 4 o clock in the evening while she was home with the baby you know what I mean i never physically cheated with her and what i did and i was i was too big of a chicken to uh to say i wanted a divorce or go out and i'm convinced i didn't cheat on her because i was just a coward because by the way it says we never apologize for god all men of faith have courage whatever that paragraph means they trust their god i guess that means that people that don't have a god don't have courage they're cowards all men in faith have coverage they trust their God. Instead, they let him demonstrate through their testimony what they're telling you, you know, what he's done for them and wants you to get to outgrow fear so you can't even outgrow your fear until you can testify about God. Of course you can outgrow fire until you testify about God because you're too worried about these gods in AA are thinking about you and if you're worried about what people will think about you in a room where all over the world they have God, where all of this book they have God, how do you expect to make it in the outside world and not worry about what they think about you out there or not call yourself names or a loser because you don't have money or whatever the hell it is how are you going to break free how are going to get into that great fact how's that going to happen so here's a lot here's an interesting paragraph being convinced you know by the way uh and the great fact that says the first thing is you got to make god the central factor of your life the second thing is because you must be convinced convinced without doubt that God lives in your heart and mind in a way which is miraculous. Oh, by the way, this is conference-approved shit. But it actually comes from the book of James because that's what they were reading. They were all... You know that? They did. See, what happened with the book de James is this. In the book e James chapter 1, it says rejoice when you have trials and crap happens to you of all kinds because when you Have trials, if you persevere and you look at God, it says your faith will grow. so the key is to go through the trials with faith in God and not in anything else it says if you want wisdom which is different than knowledge different than being intelligent listen I used to be really intelligent and I knew a lot of shit and I was fucked up and then I became stupid and I only know a couple things and everything's okay that's the only thing I can tell you just get stupid it helps, you can listen more it says when man wants wisdom all you have to do is ask God all you have to do is ask God to give it to you generously you know, it's like what they call inspirational thinking it becomes a small thing but soon it grows it becomes the working part of the mind you learn how to be able to live life doing things that used to baffle you it's somewhere in the big book look it up he'll give it you, he says when you ask you cannot doubt because the man who doubts the man whose doubts can expect to receive nothing he's like a wave in the ocean, unstable and all those things So that sounds a little drastic until you read the big book where it says half measures of ill. It's not that God either is or he isn't. What's your decision going to be? So it's like when Dr. Bob 12-step Clarence, the brewmaster, and Clarenced was 35 years old, and he walked in, the first thing he said to him, first thing Dr. Bob said to me, he says, do you believe in God, young fella? And Clarenc, this is right in, by the way, conference approved material. He says, what does that have to do with it? And Dr. Bob says everything. He says well I guess I do guess nothing. You either believe in God or you don't. Do you believe in God? He says, I do. Good. Get out of your bed, the hospital bed. This is what you used to do it. Get on your knees. We're going to, we're going to turn your life over to God. And in the old days, you had to get, do that in front of everybody in A for the first four years before they would allow you into a meeting. You couldn't go to a meeting. You had to prove to them you were serious. It wasn't just picking up a light chip. You know, you had to prove to them you were serious, then they'd let you go to So all these guys in AA, I might have been one of them. Who knows? All these guys who were saying things like, well, if they had said that to me, when I came in, I wouldn't be here. He says, no, you wouldn't have been here because in order to get here, you had to first get on your knees in front of everybody and say you believe in God. That's old time AA. You see, I'm in AA. I may not be in your AA. Believe me, I mean, I just may not being your AA. So here's a paragraph, being convinced we were at step three. That's the convinced part. Which is an interesting thing because I took step three. I got down on my knees and I said the third step prayer, do with me as you will and all that sort of stuff. And then I got up and I checked my bank account. Doesn't happen that fast, does it guys? Check the stock market. Being convinced we're at step 3, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood him. Just what do we mean by that? Well, what do they mean by that? What do they mean by that? What they mean by that at one year or 10 years or 15 years, what that means may be different than when you're 76 years old and you have cancer. It may mean something different to you. And just what do we do. So, I'm going to tell you a story. I'm just going to tell you the story. So in any event oh by the way that gal that I married she said you come home drunk one more time I'm leaving you after five years I came home drunk four o'clock in the morning I came back home drunk and she kicked me out of the house and as I walk into my car away from my wife and my child and everything that should have been important to me because here's what happened she said that to me I got to the bar I sat down on my seat at the bar I ordered my double scotch because that's what I drank only had one just double scotch on my first drink I was already on my second drink and I go whack they said I didn't think you drank so much you just drank so fucking fast you know what I mean because I was there for the effect I wasn't there forthe taste I wasthere to be rocketed I was there to get that place where I really didn't give a shit what you thought about that's what's so great about it you're walking the bar, you're worrying about what the group will think about you you take a whack and you think you own the fucking group you understand what I'm saying? and I'm sitting there with Doug and my wife had just told me at five years come home drunk for one time, I'm leaving you you know what I mean? and I turn to Doug and I say, Doug, I gotta leave Bronnie tells me she's gonna divorce me if I don't come home I gotta live and Doug, one of my drinking buddies he puts his arm around me he says this, he says Russ we love you you're the greatest guy in the world everybody loves you your wife is crazy about you she's never going to divorce you you'rethegreatestfuckingguy in theworld and I start thinking shit that's what I was thinking that's why I like alcoholics I love them when I was sober they know me they are so right it's like the Vulcan mind mold you know what I mean so I get home at 4 o'clock in the morning she takes me out of the house I file for divorce I'm actually happy because now I'm free to go to the bar as if I was free not to go to the bar you know i was free to go to the bar and so she says i want to go to a no i mean i got a kid i got ashley's one go to marriage council because she actually believed that shit till death do us part and all that stuff you know it and to me it was just a party and i get laid all the time you know and uh so i went out of guilt i go to these psychotic the marriage counselor the marriage counselor turns my wife and he says i have three questions for you ronnie what are the three things you want to change about rus and she started talking I don't remember what she said I don' t remember a word she said she probably said something about coming home for dinner I don''t know what she says she might have said something about drinking you know what I mean and all I know is I had a date that night with a redhead in that bar you know and now they were like pulling me back in and he turns to me and I was as sober then as I am right now he says what do you want to change about your wife and I look at him without even thinking and I said I just want to date other women man, I'll tell you you think that's something you ought to hear what happens when I tell that with a mixed group where there's women in the group you know what I mean at least one guy maybe he's a woman, I don't know he got all upset about that shit sure, you're laughing but you know let me tell you what that is that's the real Russell Spatz that's the asshole that's the one that doesn't give a shit about anybody that'll rip your heart out that's who I really am that's why I never call myself spiritual not really I'm not a spiritual guy I'm a material man I am the Madonna of AA I'm a material man in a material world I'll rip your lungs out to get the money to do anything you know that's what this mind is really about anything that's decent to me or good to me or if that's attractive to me has nothing to do with me, it has to do with the Lord. Period. And that's a good thing for me because as soon as I start thinking I'm hot shit or there's something good about me, you know what I mean? I'm missing the point. I'm not spiritual. I will be until the day I die, there'll be a piece of me that's loving this world that can be turned around or can go That's why Dr. Bond said to Bill Wilson the last words he said, he said Bill let's not screw this thing up, let's keep it simple. It's all about God. you know there's two fellowships in there there's a fellowship of the problem and there's the fellowship ofthe spirit fellowship oftheproblem all you have to do is have a desire to stop drinking it doesn't even have to be a serious one it can be a fleeting thought you know fellowshipofthespirit is a whole different deal it talks about it in the last page it talks that in all the pages what the fellowshipofthe spirit is the river lines has to be in god if he'll even show you how to create the fellowship you crave then it will be a godly fellowship that's what that fellowship is all about it's all about God so I got a story one of the things that happens is when you first come today, you don't have a story your story is like, it's not my fault it wasn't my fault, some other dude did it whatever it is, whatever your story is, but you start hearing you can't tell an alcoholic what to think you can tell them this is what they'll bite your head off I understand you think I have a drinking problem, I don't have a drinking problem. I drink because I'm sure looking from where you look, I'm drinking because I don't have a drink problem. I drink cause I have problems. My drinking perfectly matches my problem and one day my problem's gonna go away. I won't have to drink anymore so thank you for your advice. Go fuck yourself. You know what I mean? That's me. I'm an alcoholic. That's you. You're gonna come at me about my drinking and I'm gonna talk about your mother. Okay? It's real simple. That's how it's gonna work with me. Who the hell are you? That's the deal. That's who I am. So, you know, but the bottom line is that's the real guy I am. That's who I really am. I don't want to start thinking of myself better than I am." Bill Wilson said in Alcoholics Anonymous number three, you now when Alvin and Clarence, the book that Bill Dotson, The Man on the Bed Road, you never look at reading the Bible to him and the thing, you're not on that picture on the wall. Bill Dotton said, I was sober but I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got, the person on it had a release of happiness i didn't understand what it was one day bill wilson was eating with me and my wife henrietta and he turned to her and he said look henriette the lord has been so wonderful to me curing me of this terrible disease that i gotta keep talking about him telling other people he was the central fact in bill wilson's life he said and i looked at him he said because without him i have nothing bill he said gave all credit to god for everything I knew that was the answer. That's what's called our golden text. It's in our big book, it's in conference-approved material but even still got turned around by something called worldly clamors and you know what worldly clamor is? Worldly clamorist is that blonde in the AA room with the big bazongs, you know who for you is really a bottle of scotch with legs or money or something like that So I got a story, but I don't know if I have time. Do I have the time to tell a story? You have 30 minutes. I do? I'm going to tell you a story. You know, one of the things that happens is you don't have a story You come into AA, you hear somebody You can't come up to them and say, here's your story You hear somebody tell a sorry And you say to yourself You've got a flank in alcohol Here's some guy telling a story And you listen to him And you think, that guy's fucking crazy And then you say shit I was doing that last Wednesday you know what I mean now it's your story or you go out and something happens to me and you got a story you wouldn't believe what happened to me and you tell a story and then you get one story and after the first week you got two stories and afterthe first month you got three stories and then the first year you got eight stories and then maybe you're speaking around like that and you had stories and stories and then all of a sudden you got ten years and you've got 120 stories and now your real problem is it's not that you don't have a story it's just you don' t know what story to tell because every story is like 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes some guy comes up to you and says tell that story, tell this story yeah but that's a 20 minute story and then the problem is you tell the story I should have told that story too many stories so I got a story and the reason I'm telling you this story and I'll tell you the reason I happen to like this story it's about alcoholism it's all sorts of stuff You know what it's about? It's also about hearing shit you don't like that changes your life. That's a good story for outposts to hear. Hearing shit, I remember I went up to my sponsor, I was broke. I didn't have any money. You know, I didn'T have any moneY, I DIDN'T know what to do. I was waking up every night at 3 o'clock in the morning, I WAS BEHIND THE RENT, DIDN't HAVE ANY MONEY. you know I'm not who am I going to talk to what am I gonna do I'm a big shot warrior you know I mean I don't have anything I'm broke I have $50 in my pocket don't money put gas in my car got a wife and a bunch of kids I'm like I'm gonna tell my group but I mean not that I give a shit what they think about me but I'm going to tell them the big shot lawyer who's driving a Cadillac doesn't have any money you know I mean they wouldn't understand who amI going to tell so finally it got so bad I told my sponsor Bob Sullivan I said, I don't have any money. I explained the whole thing to him. He says, oh man, we can solve that problem. I said really? I said absolutely. You got no problem at all, man. You don't need any money, we can resolve that problem and he said really so I'm getting ready to give him a couple thousand dollars to check or something he is my sponsor and he says, so follow me he says what? He says I think it's about time you started making coffee for the group. I'm thinking I don' t think I explained myself real well. I mean, you know, hey, it's great, but we're talking money. It's not important. It's just right up there with oxygen, you Know? He shows me how to make coffee for the group, how to set up the chairs and everything like that and all that sort of stuff. And I go home, and the next day I didn't want to go in because I was depressed. Forget depressed. I was very depressed. No money had come in. Nothing had changed. I wasn't going to go. But I had to go to the frickin' meeting because I had made the damn coffee. You understand what I'm saying? So I went to the meeting. I made the coffee for the stupid group ended up making it for 18 months after three months, the money came in everything was okay, some guy comes up and he says I'll make the coffee, I said I'm the coffee maker who the hell made you the coffeemaker you know, and that sort of stuff I remember some guy bounced a check on me for $500, my sponsor comes up, I'm telling everybody in the world son of a bitch bought a check caused me to bounce checks and everything like that about a year or two or three or something like that my sponsor comes up to me and he He says, you know, you've been talking about this guy. He says yeah. He says bounce the check on him. He calls me a bounce of checks. He said, what are you talking about? He said Russell, stop talking about that guy. I said, why don't you stop talking? You know, if it happened to you, that's all. If it happenedto you, you see my whole deal was if it would happen to you. You know how you feel. And he looks at me and he says, let me ask you a question. how would you feel if it didn't bother you and I look at him and I'm sober as I am right now and I said I swear to God I don't understand what the fuck you're talking about that's how the big book works you know you read a paragraph you think you understand you hear the words but you don't understand what they're talking about but you read it you know but you don't understand ten years later you understand to a certain, you know. So he said, Russ, it's a simple question. How would you feel if it didn't bother you? I said, I swear to God, Bob, I don't understand the question. He said, listen to the question, how would you feel if it did not bother you Guy bounced a $500 check on me. He says, yeah, how Would I feel if It Didn't Bother Me? I said I'm I swear To God, I'm Not Being Acute, I Don't Understand The Question. He Says, Listen, How Would You Feel if it didn't bother you? I said, what do you mean? How would I feel if it did not bother me that he bounced a $500 check on me? He says, precisely. How would you feel if it not bothered you that he did not bounce a $5,000 check on you? Well, if it does not bother me, I feel fine. He said, there you go and he walked away. I am still not sure I understood what he was talking about. Ten years later, ten years later my second wife I am ten years sober she does, you know why if you haven't been married you need to get married immediately I shouldn't be the only one who suffers so ten years later I have this major blowout with my wife about something she disrespected me because that's their job she disrage she disrepected me and she said something I didn't sign up for this shit I go up to my then sponsor the other one who passed away Joe Snyder I said I'm getting a divorce he says I'm out of here I have four kids. I'm getting a divorce. I'm out of here. You know, I'm outer here. By the way, I've been married for like 45 years now. And I got like four kids and eight grandkids. It's too late now. It's to late for me. Save yourself. So in any event, people ask me. He comes up and he says, how's your wife? I said she was breathing when I left her. That's my last word on this subject. Anything else, talk to my lawyer. But anyway, so my wife, I go up to her and I say, I'm going to get a divorce, he says. he says why and I explained to him in detail everything she said she said this, I said that then she said that you understand he says I'm getting a divorce and he looks at me and he does one of these he says why are you upset I'll tell you one thing if you ask any alcohol why they're upset the one thing we're experts on We can tell you why we're upset. We can sell it. We can go to any bar in the United States and kick that bitch to the side. You know what I mean? She doesn't deserve you, you know? You know, and I said, what do you mean? He says, well, why are you upset? I said Bob, I just spent 20 minutes telling you exactly what you said. He said, that's not why you're upset I said no, I've been through all the steps I'm sponsoring everything that moves I'm Mr. A.A., you know, and he says, I swear to God I don't understand what you're talking about. It's like the same conversation I had with Bob 10 years ago. You know what I mean? I said, Joe, I don'T understand whatyou're talkingabout. He says, well, it's very simple. Why are you upset? I said I just told you everything she did. Everybody else in AA understands. I just called you. He says that's not why you're upset. She said this thing. That's not what you said. She said, what about what yousaid? That'snotwhyyou'reupset. What did you spend the money on? That'sNotWhyYou'reUpset. I said that and he says, Russell, that'snotwhatyou'reupset. Then he shut up. I said, why do you say that's not why you're upset? And he's sitting there and he's looking at me. And I'm getting this feeling in my mind that he knows why I'm upset. And nothing's more important to me than me. I want to know whatever secret, whatever the deal is. So I said that's, he says that's why I said it. And then I say, well, do you know why I am upset? He said, sure, I know why you're upset. It's easy. You know why I'm upset? Yeah, I know why your upset. I said, well, are you going to tell me why I am upset? He goes, I don't know. Do you really want to know? I said of course I want to know! Why am I upset? He said listen, and this is exactly what he said. Ten years later this is exactly what he said. He said listen, stupid which was his nickname for me he said listen stupid, you're upset because you're upsetable. I said, what is this? Zen AA? What is that? Because I'm upsetable and that's now my wife hasn't changed much she says the same stuff does the same thing I rarely if ever get upset the other day she said in front of the TV with her hands like She says, you know, you never listen to a word I say. And I'm thinking, what a strange way to start a conversation. She took me in to have my hearing checked, you know what I mean? The doc said he hears fine. He says, doesn't hear a word. I say, select the variance. I don't hear it. I don' understand. See, I used to be smart. I knew everything that was going on. I knew shit I didn't even need to know about. I knew what you were thinking. I know exactly what you're thinking. How are you thinking? I know what's going on. I knew everything. I was brilliant, and I was unhappy. And now I know shit. I don't know like one thing, and I don' t see 90% of the shit that's going on around me. And if I even hear it, it just sort of rolls off my back. Don' t conform yourself to this world or even be transformed by God into a different creature where you' re not upsetable. You' ll find when you' r e not upset able, You don't get upset when you don't do stupid shit. When you don' t do stupid sh!t, you don''t have to go through all that 10-step event sh!it. You don'' t have to say you're sorry for doing this, doing that because you don ''t do anything. You just try to love on people and treat everybody like they have a broken heart, as they probably do. So here's the story. This is an interesting story. This is a true story. That's why I like it, because it's true. So when I'm about 5 years, 5 or 10 years sober, I know what it is. You'll see. One day you'll be 76 years old You don't want to know shit like me. You'd be, you know, I've got dementia or something. So I'm in my office and I have this kid coming to see me. This is a true story, but it's like a 15-minute story. Comes to see him. His name's John. And he's been arrested for trafficking in cocaine, two or three kilos of cocaine, something like that. That was back there in the day where, you know, it was serious. It's still serious. As a matter of fact, it's a 15 year minimum. If you had the judge's son, you're going away for 15 years. And he comes in to hire me with his wife or girlfriend or something like that, with a little baby. The kid's like 20 years old, you know what I mean? He's facing 15 years mandatory minimum, and he's with his parents. His parents are like college professors from Rhode Island or something. Something like that. And I've been practicing for a while, and I had the experience and everything, and he gives me a crap load of money. at that time it was a crap load of money to represent him and tells me the whole story and the bottom line he says okay I'll represent you, gives you the money to represent him and then he says to me listen they say the mob everybody like in unison like the morbid he says listen Mr. Statz I just want you to know something we have the greatest respect for you we know your reputation, we have great respect we like you we are so confident in you we trust you and I say oh great I said well I'll keep you apprised he says we don't have to know anything we just know you're going to get Johnny off we just have faith in you you're gonna get Johnny so I said thank you very much do the best I can we just had so much faith and then they leave and I get the money that's the best part of the story It all goes downhill from there. Because now I got the money and I'm very happy, and then I'm thinking, well, I've got to find out about this thing. How am I going to get it off? And here's what's going on. I find out that Johnny Boy went in to see this dope dealer to buy like a pound of marijuana or something and bring it back to school. And he's doing a deal, a cocaine deal for about two or three kilos of cocaine. And he was just sitting there. He's a 20-year-old kid. So the dealer says to Johnny, come over here and help me count the money. So Johnny's saying it's pretty cool. He's there with a big tie. He starts counting the money for the cocaine. What Johnny doesn't realize, and nobody realizes, is that the guys that he's selling it to are narcs, you know, or federal agents. You understand what I'm saying? So after the whole deal is over, they arrest everybody, including Johnny, who's counting the money from the cocaine, bestriding him in 15-year offense. You with me? Possession of cocaine. And so it's like they don't even need fingerprints. They got the fingers, you know what I mean? They got – it's, like, open and shut, locked case, 15 years mandatory minimum. Falls before state charges, and he falls before a guy in Broward County, I think he's passed away now, Judge Dan Futch. Now, you guys may not know who Dan Fudge is. Let me give you an idea of who Dan fudges. in his office, on his desk he has an electric chair that lights up so now I got the money the 20 grand, whatever the heck it is and I've spent that already and we're three months down the road and I got Dan Futch and I said this kid's going to wait for 15-20 years and the only way he's goingto be saved is that Jesus does the trial for him, and Jesus didn't even do well the first trial he went through. You know what I mean? So on the bottom line, he says, now I'm thinking what's going to happen, what's gonna happen, you know what i mean? He's gonna go away for 12 years. By the way, every time I call these people up, they're sending me letters, we trust you, you know you're gonna get Johnny off, there's no such a big problem. It's gonna be front page Miami Herald, Russell, phony! Stole money, piece of crap, promised everything, My life is over on the planet. I have no idea what I'm going to do with this deal. I don't know. I'm scared crapless. I'm gonna sleep thinking about this thing. I'm waking up thinking about this thing, I'm goin' to meetings and in the middle of meetings I'm thinkin' about this thing. Whatever I do, all I can because I know the clock is ticking now you can drag things up for like six months, eight months, a year, something like that but I know that the clock is ticking and my life is over and this is real stuff in real life that we get into with maybe a different thing that we worry about and we can't go to sleep worrying about this stuff and it's going crazy. So what am I going to do? I can't tell my sponsor. He's a used car salesman. What does he know? I'm going to tell him the story I told you like he's going to help me? Well, I could tell my group you know I mean they don't me they think I'm some sort of big shot lawyer so I have to tell my group I'm scared to go to trial well maybe I can call up another lawyer I'll call up one of my buddies I'm going to tell them I'm gonna tell another lawyer from a lawyer this story that I'm scared and everything like that so the entire legal community knows I'm full of shit and I'm a phony piece of shit or something like what Now, that ain't going to happen. So I can't tell anybody. So now I'm thinking about this stuff in my mind. It's getting magnified. I'm going to lose my license. I'm Going to Jail, by the way, because I'm so stupid. Or whatever it is, something terrible is going to happen. The whole world is going know about this. This is going be on ABC News. And they're not going to find out about it until the day he says 15 years in jail. They're going to be looking at us and say, we trusted you. and so I'm thinking about this thing nobody knows about this except for me, I have nobody to talk to and I'm whatever it is six years, seven years sober no sponsee, I mean I can run around do all the stuff we do in AA you know what I mean? It'll take some of the pressure off but it always comes back so they have this retreat going on down at Dominican Retreat House that's being run and my sponsor signs me up for retreat my wife knows there's something wrong she doesn't know what's wrong because i haven't told anybody i can't tell anybody and there's nothing to tell nobody can help me my life is over on the planet and my sponsor pulls up he says come on i'm taking you to the retreat he says i bob i don't have time for i don'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS i got things going on my life i got stuff i gotta deal with my wife is standing there with the luggage you know already packed so it's getting the guy get in the car takes me over the retreat the retreat is being run by a guy named Father Al Grau. The rest of the piece he's passed on. He's a Catholic priest. I'm not Catholic, I'm Protestant God, but he's a catholic priest and he's let me tell you a little bit about Father Al Grau he's got 50 years sober in AA 50 years you know, I got whatever 6 or 7 years he's an Jesuit priest, I don't even know anything about Jesuits I know something about Jesuit, they're like the cream of the crop he's at PhD in psychology He's a Ph.D. in psychology, 50 years sober, runs the Palm Beach Institute. You know what I'm talking about? And he is like and he's a war hero. He survived like the 10 hundred mile walk, whatever the hell that is. He's an army soldier. He's not a war superhero. And he's the retreat master. You know, I mean, at this retreat and he gives the first talk and I said and second talk and I'm listening to him. Now you've got a Jesuit priest, 50 years sober, psychologist, head of the Palm Beach Institute. This is the guy. This is he's sitting like right next to God. You know what I mean? This is this guy. This is going to solve my problem. I'm going to tell him like I had X-Lapsed. I can't wait to take a shit all over me. You know what I mean? He's the guy. He can't tell anybody. It's like professional crap and everything like that. So at the end, if you know anything about retreats, I just did a retreat, the Matt Talbert retreat. I was the retreat master. Can you imagine that? Everybody after that retreat is drinking. So in any event, like half the guys in this place. So in Any Event, I go in there to see him because you sign up to see the retreat pastor and I start telling Father Al Grau this story. now let me tell you what I don't know about Father Al Grau Father Al Grau is the head of the Palm Beach Institute cocaine addiction and things like that and his specialty, the thing he loves more than anything else is he works a lot with cocaine babies babies that wake up shivering because their mother was on cocaine I didn't know that I'm not sure what made the difference anyway but in any event I walked in to see him and I started telling him the story I just told you. They came to see me, I'm worried about what's going to happen, they paid me a lot of money, I don't know how to get the shunt off and everything like that and he holds up his hand and he says this, he says, I'm not the guy. I'm the one I'm never the guy to hear this and I look at him and I say, no, you're the guy you are the guy you've been appointed by God you'retheguytohearthis you'retheeonlyguy in the world that can hear this he says no i'm telling you i'm not the guy to hear this i said no i'M TELLING YOU YOU'RE THE GUY so we go back and forth you're the guy i'M NOT THE GUY YOU'RE the guy I'M NOT the guy he doesn't want to hear it and then he finally because he was 50 years sober i suppose says okay tell me your story and i tell him the story you know i got to get the guy off they trust me what am i gonna do if i don't get the guys off what's gonna happen all that sort of stuff and then i finish and he looks at me and he says and i say so what do you think? It's a big mistake. I said, what do you think? He says, you want to know what I think? I said yeah, I wanna know what you think. What do you thing? And he says, well I'll tell you what I think. I think that you are full of shit. I'm not making this shit up. I think you're full of shit. And then he says, you do this for money? This is what you do for money. And that was actually at the high point. Then he went on for another 20 minutes of just beating the living. This must be what they call in final crushing of yourself just beating the living shit out of me and then he said something like this it was like perfect he says don't you dare feel guilty for this guy if this guy goes to jail because he should go to jail because he was doing this crap and it's his own consequences for his own self and you want to know something if he had gotten away with it done all that stuff you would have never seen him you have nothing to do with this stuff or something like that it says this is bullshit and then right before he kicks me out he does one of these go in peace my son you know as if to make it all okay you know what I mean I walk out of there I'm like in shell shock I went to part of my heart of this guy he like takes a hammer to me and every person I run to on my way back to my little room with my little bed with the crucifix on top of the bag. Every guy I run into, I say, hey, hey you know that priest? Don't go in to see him he's fucking crazy. Ten people, I'm telling them how crazy he is, you know what I mean? He's crazy. Now I'm going to report him to the Pope because I'm not Catholic but I've seen movies and I played one on TV you know What I mean and I know that you go and see the priest and he says something like do 10 Hail Marys or whatever the hell he's doing, rosary, you know he says he says something that a nice soft, he says something, he represents God he says some make you feel good, you now what I mean he doesn't hurt your feelings he doesn' beat you up, you not what I mean, and so I got to call the Pope on this guy, get him fired whatever the h*** it is and I'm sitting there on my bed and I am thinking and I'm doing the Alki thing, you know? He said this and I said that. He said that and I should have said this and he should have done that. Then I changed the whole thing around where I'm the hero. I don't know, I'm just going crazy in my mind and all of a sudden I have this thought and I don' t know where this thought came from but it comes to me just like that, like a nanosecond. Maybe he's right and the next thought was he is right he is right by the way when you think about it that whole thing revolves around some sort of thing that has to do what will they think about me what will they think about me if I lose my job what will they think about me it's all about worrying about what other people think about you why do I worry about what they think about me because I'm always worried about what people think about me so I got in this jail in the first place and something that had been bothering me in this case and in my entire life left me like that these days a client comes in he says so what do you think I said I think you're going to jail he says well he said I'll do the best I can there's always possibly this that The other thing, they come up with evidence like that. You have a good shot at going to jail. He says, but I trust you. I said, yeah, I'm glad you trust me. I'm going to tell you something. You better learn everything about this case. I'm making sure you know everything about the case because it's going to be a rough going. I try to sell myself out of the case by walking out of there. You know what I mean? You know, I mean, I don't take the whole thing. I say, listen, this is what you did. This is what happened. This is What they're going to prove. There's a real good chance you're going To jail. These are things we can do and we can try to do. But let me tell you Something. you need to know and take responsibility for everything about your case so we're going to talk about it because it's going to be a lot of work i don't take this bullshit we trust you we lay the whole thing on you here's money now fix it i don'T TAKE THAT SHIT i'll sit there about worrying about what they're going think me about and all that sort of stuff i'll do that and the only difference is that fear of what other people thought about me and you know with the bottom line? Here's the crazy shit. The crazy shit is he was the guy. If I had gone to another guy, I'd still be sucking on the most... I'd probably be drunk and sucking on the muscle of a gun. He was the exact... I needed to see say the guy who... He didn't even think he was that guy. I thought of it and he was the guy He was exactly what I need So one of the things you're going to find out I think of this world is sometimes the people you hear that you think are the worst they either hurt your feelings or piss you off or you leave the room and you're thinking about them for six years I can't believe that, who the hell those are who mess you up you know what I mean and start you thinking in a different way you're walking in a certain direction and if you keep on walking in that direction you're going to wind up with your head and all of a sudden you bump into a guy and he turns you to maybe a degree this way sometimes the guys you meet that you don't like the things you hear that you think are bullshit are exactly what you need to hear exactly the person you've got to bump into and many times if you're an alcoholic and arrogant in the extreme it's usually somebody who's going to hurt your feelings or make you feel shitty and you're either going to drink over that or get resentment over that or you're going to practice the spiritual axiom whenever I'm disturbed no matter what the cause because I'm disturbable there's something wrong with me and the more people that you run into that disturb you and the longer you're able to deal with that and be undisturbed that's going to wipe out a whole slew of people in this world including wives, girlfriends and everything that are long gone going to disturb you and one day you're gonna be undisterbable you're going to be undisturbable and you're going to walk around and you've got to be at peace and you'll be able to handle shit that you never were able to handle and you can be working on inspirational thinking and come to rely upon it and stop worrying so much that's the deal that's what's going to happen so God bless you