Russell S. – Step 4 – The Not Drinking Club vs. The Fourth Dimension – 2022

Well, it's great to be here. My name is Russell Spatz. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the South Dixie group and I haven't found necessary to have a drink since January 20th...January 25th. I'm 73...1981. I'm in my 42nd year. Okay, so I'm 73 years of age. I've been married 41 years, four kids, raised sober, and eight grandkids. Eight or nine. I have eight or nine grandkids . . . I think I have, I don't know, I have a lot of grandkids What number was Ollie? I think she was either eight or a nine. I don' t know, but a lot grandkids Self-supporting through my own contributions So, I'm going to just say a bunch of shit I don't even say you know, I just realized that this particular group I call it the Little River Group I know you're the No Way Out group or whatever that is You don't have a chance group or whatever the heck it is I'm not approved Yeah, I've been doing this way too long You ever hear in the big book they say rock it in the fourth dimension of existence I've be rocking into the fourth dementia of existence The other day, and this is a true story. This is absolutely true. I mean, you know, that's why I love it because you can tell true shit. My wife, this was actually about three years ago. It wasn't the other day. I've been doing steps here almost every year for the last over 30 years, except for the past couple of COVID things. You know, whatever, we missed that deal. And I've done a lot of things. I've gone on Zoom. i do about three or four or five zoom meetings a day and i got my i got you guys you know you're alive and large and everything and i've got the hollywood squares here a bunch of midgets i love these guys i see these guys all the time god bless you guys they're here so uh uh and uh so it's i'm gonna talk to you about a few things and don't get upset oh get upset if you want okay i can't stop you from getting upset you know just remember whenever of you disturbing them, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. It ain't my problem, you know? I'm actually only speaking to an audience of one. I always speak, I used to speak early on to an audiance of, to this audience. But that was pretty crappy. I did the best job I could because then you've got to worry about whether they like you or not and you filter your remarks and stuff like that. But after 41 years, actually after After 25 years I started to speak to an audience, one, you know there is one who has all power. He's not a higher power. A good looking blonde with a great body is a higher power for me. Money is a higher power for me. A new Mercedes is a higher power for me, a job is a higher power You can look at me and say, chocolate cake is a higher power for me. Higher powers never got me sober, never kept me sober. Never got me rocked in the fourth dimension of existence. Never stopped me worrying about what other people thought about me. Never relieved me of the bondage of fear. You see I don't know what kind of alcoholism you have, I have the serious type. I need the highest power and there's only one fire's power says may you find from now being a defiant alcoholic and thinking that I'm smarter than anybody else. I mean, I graduated with departmental honors in mathematics, it's going for my PhD in algebraic topology decided to go to law school, became division chief of the state's attorney's office was a law professor in law school national science foundation fellow being a smart full of shit alcoholic, thinking I knew everything. That's hard to lose. You know, it's an impossible way of life before you get sober. But the alcohol drinking is but a symptom of the disease. It's a symptom only. And the reason you find that out eventually is when you stop drinking and you're so excited about stopping drinking, and three months later you wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning and you realize you're crazy. Like one of my sponsees once said when he was about three months sober, he called me up on the phone and he said, this is Tommy, one of sponsee's, he called up, he was a former division chief in the state's attorneys office with me and he called me up and he said, he had been, he was a star athlete at the University of Florida. He was a top attorney in the prosecutor's office down here, you know, prosecuting the top cases and he called me up, and he was strung out on booze and cocaine and he couldn't make it to court. His hair was down to here. He had one pair of jeans left and was sleeping on a friend of ours floor probation officer's floor and he called me up and he told me he had a problem he didn't know what to do and he had to be in court and he was strung out and i'd been for about three years and and i said tommy just relax i called up the chief judge i got him excused from the deal and uh i ran down to get him i took him to his first day meeting and he took to a like a duck takes the water i mean he was ready put a fork in it and he loved day and the next day cut his hair you know like he got like a gi cut you know what i mean he was like he was back in the university of florida he got new clay he looked like a jock you know what i means and he was uh and uh he was black to the old well sort of the old tommy again but you know i mean it looked like the old time me but he was still he was so the way you are when you first come in and uh and he just went to like two or three meetings a day even though was still an attorney he worked in a lead factory for the first year he was sober because of the way our minds are because you know he was he was not drinking he was physically sober but and he calls me up on the phone after his three months sober and he says Russell he says I have to leave AA I said Tommy I said what are you talking about this is I have to leave a and he was like whispering it like you didn't want people to hear it on the phone. I said, Tommy, I said you love AA. He says, I know. I says I know, I love it. And he says but I have to leave. I said Tommy, you're sober. You've been going to AA meetings. You love AA? It's working out for you? Are you getting better? You're doing great? He says I know but I had to leave AA. And I said well why do you have to leave AA? And he then he whispered, he says I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I said what do you mean you're not alcohol you're sleeping on the fucking floor of the probation officer you called me up your life is in the trash can your hair was down to here you couldn't stop using coke or booze or any of that stuff you come in here and you say what do you mean you're not alcoholic he says no no he says I know I said you're right he says but listen he says I think Russell I think I might I think I might just be crazy and I said you know he had sobered up enough where he started thinking you guys know about that your alcoholics and you see you know about thinking right what's gonna happen what are they gonna do I'm such a fucking phony I can't believe this happening to me I must welcome myself I'm loser I'm always gonna be a loser yeah you're in the shower lathering up and says I'm an asshole, you know, I'm a piece of shit, you look around and see who's telling you that shit. You're the only one in the shower. You know what I mean? The constant barrage of bad shit about yourself and other people and the whole bullshit, you know? And it's three months over. That lasts till around 25 years by the way. I'm telling you that because if you have 10 years or 15 years and you're going through that shit from time to time. If you happen to have 25 years and you haven't been rockin' in the fourth dimension of existence and you hadn't experienced much of heaven, and you have lost fear of people in the back not being secure, you're still worried about money and stuff like that. And you think you're a loser and you're piece of crap because you've been working this thing for five years, ten years, three years, whatever the hell it is, and it just hasn't happened to you, I just want you to know that's normal. You know what you're doing for the first 10 or 15 years to 20 years of sobriety? You learn about what the disease is actually about. You don't really know. I had alcoholism before I started drinking, during the drinking, after I stopped drinking because the alcoholism centers in your mind not your body. It's about spending more money than you make to buy shit you don't need to impress people you don�t even like. It�s about doing stupid things with stupid people and hanging around � it�s about hanging around people that make you feel like shit but somehow you keep on hanging around them because you just got it be it's about being a reach please don't reject me a holic please love me a hauling it's about walking into that bar worrying about whether people are gonna like you whether you're gonna belong to the group or connect with people and then you're scared that they're gonna think I make fun of you or talk to you talk about behind your back you're going to say something stupid and and you have a couple drinks and you feel like you own the fucking group it's It's about talking at an AA meeting and then walking out and saying, why did I say that shit? I'm such an asshole. It's being in classrooms and the teacher says, and you're sober, says, anybody have a question and you have a questions but don't want to raise your hand because what if it's a stupid question? It's not anybody has the answer and you know you have the answer, and want to raised your hand, but what if its not the answer? about living a life totally fucking in fear of everybody drunk sober in aa out aa it hangs on for years and you don't even realize what alcoholism is until you've got about 10 or 15 years under your belt and you've gone through all the bullshit and everything like that and you think it's never going to work for you because there's two groups in alcohol synonymous as the not drinking club and there's a million people in front of the not drink club. And they're standing in front of that door, not drinking. And there are members of the not drinking club and they're crazy, like Tommy. I said to Tommy, I said, Tommy, he says, listen. I say, listen? He says, what? I said listen. He said, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I think I am just a drinker. He says listen. What? I say Tommy, you can be both he said really he says yeah you can be an alcohol and crazy he said oh thank god i thought but you know it's hard to because we're so well defended you know what i mean you can't go up to an alcoholic and say you're crazy you're insane if you sponsor him you can sit you could beat him up a little bit but you can'T really because because we'RE so you're like you know IT'S SO much for years it's so much like take your own fucking inventory who the hell are you you don't know what you're talking about right you know because it's just so we it's like carl manager said in the book man against himself about suicide that's all chapter on alcoholics alcoholics are are are people who are really out to destroy themselves because no matter how much we think we're the greatest thing in the world truth of the matter is is that all alcoholics basically feel they're unworthy and they're pieces of shit you know when you're unworthy and you feel you're a piece of shit and you feel like if everybody knew exactly who you were and what you were they would never have anything to do with you and you're always going to be a fucking loser when that's the basis of your life you understand there are certain consequences to that one of the consequences may be you have to have a few drinks or snorts or something like that in order to connect with anybody because you're so fucking scared there may be other consequences that you got to spend more money than you make or you gotta be perfect or you have to control or stuff like that is so many there's so many aspects unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences his survival be precarious and true happiness he'll find none at all my first wife told me after five years had a beautiful child i had a house on miami beach on the golf course there i was working with the state attorney's office got home every night around two o'clock in the morning drunk and after five years of putting up with that crap i didn't think there was anything wrong i never cheated on my wife um i was a lounge lizard i used to sit around the bars and look at the blondes brunettes and redheads and uh i never cheated or not i would just sit around the bars when my wife was at home with the baby uh thinking about cheating on her thinking about man if i'm an if only you're in a yes butter alcoholics are if only yours and yes but i'm I wake up in the morning, if only my wife would treat me differently. If only I had a different life. If only had another girlfriend. If only you had more money. If only at a different job and then I would feel sorry for myself or get mad or try to get that deal going, that situation going. And maybe I get it. Maybe I wouldn't get it, maybe I'd put that thing in my life with our thing I needed in order to feel like it was a man or everything was OK or I was OK and I get in and I feel good. It's like booze. I'm an alcoholic because no job, no woman no amount of money, no nothing ever worked quite as well or quite as fast as just a few drinks and so I drank it if I could drink it today and have it do for me what it did for me when I was 18 years old I'd still be doing it but it just doesn't work for me anymore so I don't do it but other things do it you know I'm a world whore I'm the whore for the things in this world after 10 or 15 years you realize that's why they say you can't love God and cash You can't lie with God and the woman. God is either everything or he's nothing. He's not in between. Those are the choices. He's everything or he's nothing. And I want to tell you something. AA comes down on the side of everything. That's why it says you've got to utterly abandon yourself to God. That's why it says you're on a new base space of trust and relying upon God. That's why it says in the big book but how will we know you? He says we don't know that. Your real reliance has to beyond God. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave. That's why the fellowship I crave is a fellowship, a godly fellowship and I hang around them all the time and I talk about them all of the time because I speak only to an audience of one because you guys ain't keeping me sober as much as you think it is and as much As I thought my sponsor was the one that thought my group was the one I thought good old direction was the one I thought all that crap was the wine but there is one and when I finally realized that and that was the story things started changing for me. I went from the not drinking club to the rocket in the fourth dimension Club. And there's three people in front of that door and not many people make it there because we're just that defiant. We're just not going to be told what to do. So this is Dr. Bob, the good old time. This is conference approved. I talk about non-conference approved stuff too, but there's no such thing. There's no Such Thing, by the way, is non- conference of proof did you know that did you know that a was started in 1935 the big book was written in 1939 1939 the big book was ridden in the big book and said rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly the real is thoroughly followed our path which means you do what we did you'll get what we got and what do we get we got rocket in the fourth dimension exist existence do we did now let me tell you the one thing they weren't doing for the first five years in a they weren t reading the big book now I know this is tough for you guys to figure out and I don't know if you don't understand that you know I may have to have a longer conversation but But if you read Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers, it says in there clearly, the books we found absolutely essential. Say the word essential. Essential. Okay. You know what essential means? It means essential. Means essential, you know? And so if essential means essential, what do you think absolutely essential means. Means like really damn essential, right? So in this book, which I commend you to get and read, if you want to find out what they were actually doing, it says the books we found absolutely essential was 1 Corinthians 13, Sermon on the Mount, and the Book of James. So I'll ask you, have you been studying the Book of James and Sermons on the Mountain and 1 Corinthians 30? And so the answer will be no, because who gives a crap what the cause is? What you ultimately find out is that this isn't exactly well people's anonymous and i hear i go to a lot of means you know i've gone to over 40 000 meetings and and you know some i can't tell you how many people i've heard say well i had seven years and then i drank well i hadn't one year and then i drink well i have five years and then I drank I had 20 years and I drank I can't Tell you how many people I've heard saying that not putting them down but I've heard say that I've heard more people talk about having time and drinking after one year then I've hurt people drinking and slipping before that time before one year because I can tell you know why because I can tell this if there were as many faithologues in Alcoholics Anonymous as there are drunkologues and Alcoholics anonymous there'd be less people drinking after five years that's just the bottom line you know there is one of us see what your relationship with him is right and great events will come to that once you their selfishness self-centeredness that's the disease it says that's what it says it says driven by a hundred forms of fear self-delusion and self-dilute we're deluded the alcoholic life seems our only normal life you can't separate true from the false we can't even think and we love to think and analyze we above everything above everything which basically means above everything we must get rid of this selfishness and we don't even know we're selfish because we think we're good people the first thing i learned is you gotta learn how fucking selfish you are above everything we must start kills us god makes that possible not the higher power god makes that possible it seems there's no way we're gonna rid of it except for that deal this is big book stuff. It says, once we make a sincere decision for God, and trust me, there's a difference between a decision for God and a sincere decision for God. If you're worried about what other people are going to think about you if you say the word God, you haven't made a sincere decision. Doesn't mean you're bad. Doesn't means you're not going to. It means you are on the fence. You know what the fence is? Half measures avail us nothing. There is no middle of the road solution. utterly abandon yourself to god now i can tell you this took me 20 years 25 years you know you got to fake it till you make it and work your way up to it i'll tell you get slammed enough in this deal you ultimately make the decision that's when everything takes off and everything changes there is no middle of the road solution and i'm a middle of the road kind of guy i'm not a fanatic i mean you know i want the whole thing i want to be you after, I want all the girls. This is what happened to me. I was 17 years old. I was in Sebring, Florida. I drank a quart bottle of Coke 45 malt liquor and I got laid. The next thing I remember, I was 30 years old, sitting in a bar with Tommy, drinking scotch at 2 o'clock in the morning. And the last thing I wanted to do was get laid because I would have to get off the bar stool and leave the scotch. And it was just too much of a fucking hassle. And let me tell you something, when your whole life is chasing tail and chasing women and trying to be a big shot and vanity and all that crap, you know what I mean? So that people will like you and you get some other woman to look up to you and say, I love you so that you can feel not like a piece of shit because you have to try to connect with somebody when you can never connect with anybody, when you walk around your life saying things like, do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand? Do you know what I mean? Because you're so sure that nobody can fucking understand you because you're just so unique and you can ever connect with everybody. And the only time you ever connect with anybody is when you have a drink or two or five or whatever it is and then somehow you connect and then the booze wears off and you're not connected. When you got that deal going on, that's a disease. And that goes on even afterwards because that's in your mind and you don't even realize you have. You can hear it in AA with sober people. They get up and they say things like, and of course that's an old idea that nobody can understand because I'm so different. Truth is we're all twins. That's why this thing works. That's what you listen to me. Because you're sitting there saying, he's right, he's wrong. Yeah, I am fucking right. Because we're both twins. Because we are all twins, you know? And that's the real truth, you now? Connecting that sort of thing and you do not even realize it. You come up here and you say things. sometimes you've heard a person say, you ever heard anybody say, I've said it, maybe you've said, you say this, well, I don't know if this is going to make any sense. Or how about they give a talk and they say, no, I'm not sure that made any sense? You know what that is, that self-doubt? That's that hang on from the alcoholism knowing that you can never really connect because you're so unique and a piece of shit. That's the dis-ease of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know when people get mad at the God thing, you know what that is? That's the dis-ease of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know why? Because we have a book that says chapter of the agnostic sub, you read it? If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life would have helped us, we would have been sober a long time ago. A mere codeof morals. Good orderly direction. Some people say that, you now if you use that as a God thing good, get it? See how smart we are? Good, G-O-D. I'm not saying I haven't used that growing up, because that way you can use that and sound cool. Because God knows alcoholics want to sound cool because they want to appear like they're not God freaks and then people laugh at them and then they'll have to kill themselves. You see? So the bottom line is good orderly direction, G-O-D you see, and that way they don't come across as being Bible thumpers or shit like that. You understand what I'm saying? Because they're more worried about what you think about them. When you know you're not even thinking about them you're thinking about yourself. Or do the next right thing. That's not the highest power or the higher power any of that if a mere code of morals a better velocity life would help us be sober a long time ago but those things didn't help us lack of power was our dilemma we had to find a power and that means we wrote a good book which is spiritual as well as mental and that means of course we have to talk about god and here's what the book says and here is where the problem begins with alcohols because the hackles in their neck go up and they get all pissed off and they got mad and they're angry and everything like that, and they call that a problem. As a matter of fact, later on in the book, they say we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. And I come in here and all I hear is about people that want to bash religion, bash religious people, bash church, even though in the big book it says we encourage church membership. Bash the God thing. Oh, don't talk about the God thing! Don't talk About the God Thing! You'll scare away the newcomer! Well, if a newcomer gets scared away, he obviously hasn't drank enough because nobody's gonna scare me out of this place and let me tell you something i was i was a lounge lizard interested in the girls that's all i wanted was the girls the world i lusted for everything in the world and i came in here and letme tell you some i was an agnostic to the word go go i never had any conversation about god because what does that have to do with getting an american express card or belonging to a playboy club and you know something they're probably talking about god in here and it wasn't I wasn't leaving I wasn t leaving because I didn't want to drink you know that I didn t want to drank you know put a fork in it you know so I hung around no matter what people were saying to me and thank God I hung out with people that I had I wanted what they had the people I wanted when they had are not scared of the gun thing So let's talk about the bucket of crabs. So if you ever go crabbing, I've never been crabbing. That's not going to stop me from talking about it. If you ever got crabbed and I know this because I was in an AA meeting, you know 9% of stuff I talked about is either from Big Book, 12 and 12 or our literature or I steal it from somebody else. But I know that this is true because I checked on it. If you ever go crabbing and you want and you get a crab and you put it in a bucket, it'll crawl out of the bucket. So you know how you keep a crab in a pocket? You got to throw in another crab because as soon as the first crab comes, starts crawling out ofthe bucket, the other crab will grab that crab and pull him back down. Now, I know you find this hard to believe, but AA is not Well People's Anonymous. We're lucky we show up fully clothed and in our right minds, you know what I mean? And most of us are fully clothED, but we're not necessarily in our right minds. So you got guys having to tell you like don't worry about the God thing or don't talk about the god thing or you shouldn't be talking about the God thing or forget about the GOD thing when the whole thing everything is about developing a relationship with God. So, now I have to digress because it's too fucking serious. I'm getting too serious. So I think I ought to tell you about what happened with me and the Alky dog. The Alky Dog. You know, because I can actually be a a fun guy too, you know what I mean? So I was driving down the street. I saw a sign talking dog for sale. So I don't know about you but I was very curious so I stopped the car and there was an old guy sitting there and I said, what's the sign talking? He says well I got a talking dog. I said is he really talking? Yeah he talks, he's in the back there. So I call him the Alky dog, and you'll understand why in a second. He said, ìYou got a dog?î He says, ëYeah, itís in the back, you can go talk to him.î So I said, he said, just go back and talk to them, this old scruffy dog. And I go back, and there's an old scuffy dog there. And so I walk up to him, and I said what did you get? I said, you're a talking dog? He said, yeah, I'm a talking dog. You're talking? I said yeah, I talk. I've been talking ever since I'm in the pub, 25 years, 20 years. I'm old now. I said this is amazing. I've never seen it. He says yeah, yeah. I said how come I've never heard about it? He says well for the first 10 years of my life I worked for the CIA. I was over in Russia stationed. I had a handler in Moscow now. And my owner used to take me to the meetings of the KGP in the Kremlin and I'd sit there in the meetings and they didn't pay attention because I'm like a dog, you know? And then afterwards my handler for the CIA would get me and debrief me and I tell them all about what was going on in the kremlin and did that for ten years and then I retired and came back to the States. Back in the States I started working for Monsanto and I got involved in industrial espionage and I'd be going over to Dow Chemical or DuPont, and my owner would take me there as a chemist. And I'd sit there during the board meetings and I listened to all the new discoveries they were having. I'd take it back to Monsanto and tell them I did that for about 10 years and now I'm retired. He says, this is amazing. They ought to make a movie about this. He said, yeah, I'm in discussions now with contracts with Hollywood and everything like that and they're gonna make a move here. I said, you know, is unbelievable i know he says he says well i'm talking to your owner i'm thinking about i got a you know wife couple kids and i got a couple dogs but i mean you'd like them in and i'm thinking about buying he says oh yeah absolutely i have no problem with that that's cool so i go up to the guy and i say uh so uh i was speaking to your your dog there i was talking to him and uh nice guy and everything like that um so i'm thinking of buying him how much you're going going to sell them for? And he says, 10 bucks. I said, 10 bucks? He says, yeah, $10. I say, he's a talking dog. How can you sell him for only $10? He's a liar. He never did any of that shit, you know what I mean? A fucking alky dog, you know? So I meet a gal and I'm 19, 20 years old. I'm going to college. I meet a gal, and her name, she comes from New Jersey, and I fall in love. Alky Love. You know Alky Love? You guys have been in Alky love, right? You're always thinking about them. They're always lusting about you. What are they gonna do? Who are they going to do? Oh, blah. You're projecting the future with the kids and the blah, blah, and she loves you. And there's a whole lot of sex because you're 18 years old and you can do that shit, you know what I mean? And it's great sex. Unbelievable. So there's sex every moment where you're thinking about sex and then you're worried about whether she's going out with another guy or what she's thinking, everything like this, all that alky love, worry and everything like that and for a year at the University of Miami and then she tells me, because I love her, because i love her. Because I love here, you guys don't look loveless. So in December, she says, you know my parents live in New Jersey and they haven't seen me in a year and they've been financing me, they'd like me to come home for Christmas. And I look at this woman I love and I say, you won't believe this is true, I said, well what about me? And she says well these are my parents, they haven�t seen me in a years, yeah but what about me, what am I supposed to do? And don't think I didn't realize that she had an old boyfriend up in New Jersey. I knew she was going to go to sleep with that son of a bitch. I know what's going on. You know, I'm not stupid. You know? Mrs. Spatz didn't raise no stupid kids, you know? So we have this major argument, this major blowout. Blah, blah, blah. Of course, she leaves. And I'm sitting there and I'm drinking and I'M thinking, I'M drinking AND I'M THINKING. Because if you're going to try to figure this thing out, you better have a few drinks. And I'M pissed off and everything. Then I got an idea. It was this credit card that I hadn't maxed out. I'm going to buy a ticket and I'm gonna fly up there and surprise her on Christmas so I get in my plane and I fly up their on Christmas morning I said surprise it's me here to ruin your Christmas with your parents well I thought it was love the cops called it stalking but what do they know you know what that is that's being selfish I didn't love her at all you know who I loved? I loved me I didnít even love me I felt so bad about myself I was so unable to be by myself on Christmas I felt like such a piece of shit that I needed somebody to need me or to love me so I was willing to ruin her Christmas thatís a story but you want to know something? thatís the story of my life So I meet this gal in college later on, three or four years later. And she's gorgeous and nice looking. She's got great legs and all that sort of crap. And she was a cheerleader and all the crazy stuff. I said, man, if only I could have her everything. And I then insinuate myself into her life. Her father's a doctor. Her mother's a lawyer. Grandfather's a lawyer. They're all a bunch of professionals. You know, all of a sudden I start thinking, you know, forget this Ph.D. in math stuff. I think I'll become a lawyer and, you People would ask me, why'd you become a lawyer? And I'd say, well, I like Perry Mason and I became a lawyer to get in some gal's pants. Because I'm a man of integrity. You know what I mean? Sure, you're laughing. You don't know what it's like to whore yourself out to the world to get what you want. You don'T know what IT'S LIKE TO BE A WORLD WHORE. To turn yourself backwards and forwards and be what everybody wants you to be in order to get where you are. You DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE. So you DON'T have the kind of disease I have. where you'll sell out yourself and anything that's dear to you in order to get what you think you need or you want. By the way, that's something called alcoholism. That's the real disease. And so I married that gal, and everything was great for a few months, and then we got the baby, and that's when I'm going to the bars and looking at the blondes, brunettes, and redheads and saying, I wish I had this, and I wish I had that, because for me, women were like cars. You ever have a... I remember I bought this brand new Camaro. was absolutely incredible i'm okay now i got that car now but in three or four months five months it was like a used car it wasn't so incredible that's why i had to get a new car every every every year every two years i had a buy a new car so with people i'd say it was something because i knew i was a nothing now i didn't really know i was in nothing because this stuff all works undercover You understand of darkness. You don't know you're nothing. As a matter of fact, you think you're the greatest because you're always telling yourself this stuff because you delusional and you're full of shit. So you lie to yourself. You say things like this to yourself, I don't really give a shit what anybody thinks about me because that's how alcoholics talk to themselves. They tell themselves they don't give a ship when people think of talk. Sometimes you'll catch an alcohol to say that out loud. They'll say to their friends, I don'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT ANYBODY SAYS. I DON'T GIve A SHIT WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME. but ultimately when you learn a little bit about yourself and the real defects in your character and everything like that and the consequences of being an alcoholic you realize that people that really are free from the fear of other people's judgment people that really don't care what other people think about them never say I don't give a shit what people think around me they say things like pass the ketchup but they don't say that shit because they're not bothered by it they're nervous about it so you can stop the drinking how are you going to stop the thinking big shot how are you going to stop the alcoholism the thinking how are we going to do that big shot so you sit here so I sit here and I'm in the position Tommy was not drinking but crazy crazy in an insane way and we're insane that's what the second step is all about right came to believe that power of good in ourselves could restore us to sanity another word restore you to sanity but you cannot be restored to sanity unless you're insane in the first place so that's the real figure out how insane are you why are you insane well we learn the way we get a new perspective is unbelievably painful by repeated humiliations the final question of our self-sufficiency so what you do is you get to experience the first step over and over again the hitting bottom step over and over again for 10 and 20 years and sometimes it can get really bad sober, let me tell you you know sometimes you'll hear this little saying I can never remember it my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk, well that's pretty much bullshit but it makes, I'll tell you what it made me feel good because I would say that to myself but I had some pretty good days drunk and I had some pretty shitty days at 3 o'clock in the morning sober when I didn't have any money and I was broke let me tell you something you can hit some real bottoms with the crap in this world and keep it on going the way you're going you keep on walking the direction you're walking you're gonna wind up where you're headed you can get some real shitty times 5, 10, 15, 20 years sober 1 year sober and if you're an alcoholic and you haven't hit a really bad time sober you haven't woken up at 3 o'clock in the morning worried about crap and not being able to get over it worried about the same thing, the same person the same people my sponsor used to say, you know Russ 9 out of 10 of the things that you think are going to happen are never going to happened anyway and the one thing that's going to happens is going to happend differently than you think it was happening and somehow that would make me feel good because it was right it was true, but how do you stop thinking about it that's why we wrote a book which is spiritual that's what we're talking about God, but they tell me I can't talk about God in any meetings. So everybody sits around these groups where the entire big book and the 12 and 12 and everything is all about the God thing and developing a relationship with God. And all you know is the one thing you can't talking about in here is God because people won't like it and somebody's going to spank you. But the people I work with nowadays and the people, I work and wherever I go, whether it be on Zoom or someplace else, I talk about the God thing. We're going to have 12 weeks of the God thing. I don't like people shoving God down my throat. I hate people shoven God down My Throat. I despise people shoving God down Me Throat, you know? And then when I was about 20 years they were shoving god down My throat and I finally swallowed it. And everything changed. I surrendered and I swallowed the god shit and my whole life changed. You know why? Because I became willing and open-minded. You know? So, this is Dr. Bob and the good old-timers, these are the founders, right? Really haven't seen a fellow as thoroughly followed our path, right. So let me read you this one part, you know. Clarence Snyder, Clarences, his name was Clarenced Snyder he's called the brewmaster, he's one of the first people in AA after Bill and Bob, was one of those who came from Cleveland at beginning of 1938 to be fixed by dr. Bob his wife who later became very close to Ann and dot Ann Smith and dr. bob had talked to a number of ministers and doctors before her sister Virginia in New York who was a patient of Bill Wilson's brother-in-law dr. Linda strong told her about dr. Bob. Then it goes on to say, I'm going to skip a little bit. I called Dr. Smith, this is his wife, and I still remember my words and how gruff his voice was. Darth, he recalled in 1954 conversation with Bill, he scared me to death. I said, is this the Dr. Schmidt who helps drunks? When he said yes, I wept and said that my husband was an alcoholic. Right away, he wanted to know how old Clarence was, 34 I said, impossibly replied he hasn't suffered enough there's never been anyone that young come into the fellowship and recover this could have been one of Dr. Bob's tactics at the time to suggest that a newcomer wasn't really ready because of being too young or being a woman or not having suffered enough prospects were thus forced to prove that they were indeed ready and willing to accept the program. See, back then you had to prove you were ready in all sorts of different ways which I'll tell you in the next session. Now, you don't have to prove you're ready. We beg people to come in. We get down on our knees we chase them out the door. Please don't you, please come in today. Please don't leave. Please don't think we're stupid. Don't you understand we're sober we couldn't handle it if you didn't like us please don't run out where they run into they're running to get a drink god's never robbing alcohol of his desperation never rob an alcohol for his last drink you're only hurting him well he might die yeah there's gonna be a lot of alkeys that die there's going to be a line out he's with five years that died because they never really hit bottom and they were never serious because you like like a true codependent like the Al-Anons, because you're looking to throw yourself in front of the car to stop them from hitting bottom. You know what it says in 12 to 12? We never argue with alcoholics. We say, why don't you just try some controlled drinking? Clarence made arrangements to go to the hospital where he stayed for a week. He remembered Paul S. coming in and eating his breakfast, then coming in to eat his lunch. I couldn't eat, said ClarenCE. Now here's the deal. Here's the detail. this is a rendition of how Bob Smith our co-founder 12 stepped people anybody ever tell you don't talk about God to a newcomer who told you somebody told you that I'm not saying don't do that listen to him it's fine listen to whatever you want to say but I'm just going to read something to you you know it may piss you off but at least you'll be educated you won't be ignorant okay Get this book and read it. See what AA is really about. See what AAA was really about, okay? Doc Smith came in later and took over, walked in the hospital room where Clarence was. He sat on the edge of the bed and said, well, what do you think about all this? Then he paused and looked at me doubtfully. This is ClarenCE talking. And then Dr. Bob says to him, I don't know if you're ready yet. You're kind of young. then clarence says i was down to 135 pounds no job no no clothes and no money i didn't know how much more ready i could be we called clarense still i had to con i had convinced them i was ready i had convince them i was ready then dr bob asked this is the first question he asked first question and Dr. Bob asks do you believe in God young fella too bad there wasn't somebody there to tell Dr.Bob we don't talk about that shit do you believe in god young fella he always called me young fella when he called me Clarence I knew I was in trouble so this is what Clarences you're going to like this one what does that have to do with it this is Dr.Bob Everything. God is everything or he's nothing. Everything. I guess I do. Guess nothing. Either you do or you don't. Half measures of L is nothing. when you got into AA back then you knew exactly what they were dishing out and what you were getting into there was no fucking groundwork yes I do that's fine Dr. Bob said now we're getting somewhere place alright get out of the bed he's in a hospital but get outofthebed and on your knees we're going to pray I don't know how to pray i guess you don't but that's all right just follow what i say and that will do for now i did what i was ordered you're gonna like this one i did what i Was ordered to do listen let me repeat that i did What i was told to do You want to stay sober here for 40 years Be rocking the fourth dimension of existence experience much of heaven Then I did what I was told to do. I did what I was told to do, Clarence said. There were no suggestions. Dr. Bob was always positive about his faith. Clarenced said if someone asked him a question about the program, his only response was, what does it say in the good book? Suppose he was asked, what's all this first things first about dr bob would be ready with the appropriate quotation seek ye first the kingdom of god and his righteousness and all else will be added on to him so when every time you see first things first it's a quote from the bible as is the entire big book it's not an original thought thing all the wisdom there is not an initial thought thing that was dreamed up by by dr bob at bill wilson and the only reason you think that is because you've never dug deeper and read the books they were reading, like 1 Corinthians 13, Sermon on the Mount, and the Book of James. Never read the Bible or anything like that because had you read the Books that were behind that and you read what was going on in the Oxford Movement, you'd understand that the big book is just the Bible for dummies. You see, the truth will set you free, but first it'll piss you off. And you're dealing with a wonderful book, the big Book. I can quote it. I've read it. It saved my life. this isn't the way I was talking when I had 5 years or 10 years but the bottom line is it's like you've got a thimble of wisdom when there's a mountain and ocean of wisdom behind it which you'll never know because you've gotta bunch of people like a crab in a bucket saying don't talk too much about the Bob thing or don't listen to that guy Russell I remember a guy coming up to me once 30 years ago and he said, you know, are you Russell? I said yeah, my sponsor says you're a good speaker but you talk too mucho about God that's what the sponsor said you talk too much about god got that from the sponsor get that from a lot of people there are people in here they'll say that they're people all things talks too much About God doesn't talk too Much about the booze, you don't have an alcohol problem. You honestly don't. You don't Have an alcohol once you're here. There are two rules and alcoholics anonymous only to number one, you have to drink to get here. First rule, you got to drink together. Number two, once you get here, you stop drinking. You understand what I'm saying? the only reason people have problem with number two is because they don't talk about this in a meetings because they talked about this today means people some people would run out the door and continue to drink and then they crawl back in and they'd listen they do what they were told ordered to do because I can tell you one thing the people that went through the crap that those people that went in 1935 36 37 and 38 those people I can tell you one thing the meetings were a little different once you went through that stuff you had to get on your knees and give your life to god before you went once you want to do that stuff not too many people in there saying things like oh if they talk about the god thing when i came here i wouldn't have been here you know no no it was a pretty select they were people who went to meetings back then were pre-qualified you had to prove that they were pre qualified the meetings focused on the content yeah there were people have problems and all was all brought that back to God well I've got a stop now because Bo told me I had a stop and it's true you did tell me this he said let me explain this to you she said you need to stop at 929 and so I'm gonna do that but next week we're going to talk about a lot of other things, okay? Thank you very much.