Russell S. on Step 7, Humility, and the 1 in 200 Statistic

My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's that line in the foreword of the first edition. I like that line. You know, I used to hang around a guy. He's up in Atlantic City, New Jersey. His name is Dane Correll. Dane's probably got like 45 years now. I love Dane. I think the greatest thing in the world, as far as I'm concerned, and you know, I only know my experience, strength of hope. This is all my stuff. This is All My Opinion, All My Experience. By the way, if you're new, don't even listen to this shit. You know what I mean? Really, this will screw you up. You know What I Mean? It's going to screw you up even if you've been around for a while, but if you knew, none of this applies to you and it's all bullshit and none of it is true. Okay? Don't even think any of this makes any sense or you should understand it, or even that I'm telling you the legit stuff because I don't want to scare you away. But I think in the first part of the report what it says, it says this. Many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person. So I used to hang around this guy named Dan Correll And, you know, each guy, different guys have different lines. And his line was this. He said, if we'd walk out of a meeting, there'd be some guy like you there, you know? There'd be a lot of guys like you. There'd just be a few of you there. And he'd say to Russell, he says, you have to understand, this is a very serious disease. It's a very serious disease, somebody told me tonight that somebody I know that's been around for a while, relapsed. He's like the third guy who told me about three different guys that have relapses on the last day. And I looked at him and I said, listen, I've been sober almost three decades. I said I'm so used to guys relapsing after one year, after 10 years, after 15 years. The only thing that ever shocks me in alcoholics anonymous is that anybody's actually staying sober. Relapsing is not, you can tell me you know, after 20 years some guy relapsed and it doesn't even faze me. The only thing that surprised me is that people are actually staying sober. That's the amazing thing. Relapse is easy. So I like, listen, this is a big time step in me. This is, you know they're all I love them all and you know I love the third step and the 11th step and any step that deals with God. They all deal with God but this is a Big Deal Step for me. And you know perhaps it's such a Big Deals Step for my because I hate it, love it so much. I don't know how to explain it any other way. I've got a love-hate relationship. Why do I think our folks have a love and hate relationship with this program? We love it and hate it. Sobriety is great, except for the times when it's shitty. You know what I mean? And if it's never been shitty for you, it's because you haven't been here long enough. You've got to be around here a little. So I'm just going to share a little bit of my experience with The 7th Step. Now, the interesting thing about the seventh step is, I'm going to read some stuff from the book and from the big book on the 12 and 12. The interesting thing about the seven step is it's the one step you can't do. But it's not the only step you've got to do. I mean, you've gotta, it's like, it's kind of the only thing you gotta do. You gotta do it, but you can do it. And I don't even know how to explain that, but some of you in the next 10 years are gonna stay alive and sober and AA and you're gonna understand what I'm talking about. You see, a lot of this stuff, You know, see where alcoholics would like to use our brain. You know my best thinking got me in here. I want to think that I'm smart. That I can use my brain. I can figure this thing out. You know like Roland Hazard right? He said now knowing the inner workings of his mind. Going through treatments. You know with Dr. Young. He was convinced that there's you know that drinking was impossible. It says nevertheless within three weeks he was drunk. I mean you know there's a lot of people here that have been through treatment centers. Been through all sorts of stuff. You know and said to themselves I ain't never going to drink again. Drinking is impossible. We've got a lot of people here, nothing wrong. I pick up a white chip, at least up until now, I don't necessarily have a drink. It doesn't mean I'm better or worse than me, that's just the way it is. I think it's important that I say that at meetings because a newcomer may think that it's like obligatory that you're supposed to drink, you know what I mean? No, you don't have to drink. As a matter of fact, when you come here, it's probably a good idea not to drink again. You know what we mean? But you know something? we got a lot of people that came in here that really thought they were serious and said things that sounded serious and went to meetings maybe stayed still for a long period of time a long time maybe 2 years, maybe 3 years maybe 10 years, 14 years and they ended up drinking again and you know right before they took their first drink after 14 years of sobriety the nanosecond before they took the first drink they were sober they were sober explain that one so this is a pretty serious disease this is the disease where it takes you down even if you have 14 years of sobriety I don't know whether the statistics are right or wrong I quote them all the time, you can argue with them maybe I'm wrong I think the statistic is 1.5% of people that come in the A.N. stay sober for more than 20 years that's 1 in 200 stay sober more than 20 years 1 in200 go to a lot of AA meetings by the way I went to some great AA meetings I was up here in Hollywood Beach over the weekend with my wife and four of my grandkids it was just wonderful, I went into the Cleveland house 7am and some other meeting, I forgot the name of the meeting it was a great meeting with a couple of my friends and just had a great time You guys have some really super medium, some good sobriety up here, and I really appreciate it. So you know, it's a serious deal. You know, people drinking after a lot of sobrietry. The seventh step says, humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. By the way, how many of you were here last week? It's like a... Somebody told me on the way back, I don't remember this. Did I say everybody here was... Did I call everybody whores? Said I called you a whore or something a couple of times. It was all done like in a blackout, you know what I mean? Well, it's not that I didn't mean it, you know What I mean, but you see, that's why it's like surprising, you see because, so you see we're going to put up two signs, right? The men and the boys, right? But I said, the boys won't even show up. So this is what we want to do. See, the whole goal of this step series is to, by the time we get to the end, we have three guys left. The only ones that are going to make it, you know, maybe a gal, three guys and a gal. You know what I mean? Because if you think this is rough, this ain't nothing compared to life. This ain't something. This ainít nothing compared to life, this is like bullshit compared to light. Iím easy. So, you know in AA when allís said and done there'll be a lot more said than done. I don't care how, you know, I always, um, it don't matter, you can tell me I saw a guy ask me to, uh, because the seven steps says humbly asked what is it? Humbly asked what? Who? God! Oh. Well, it'd be good to figure out who that guy is. I mean, you know, I mean if you're asking somebody nice to know, track that son of a bitch down, you know what I mean you know you don't want to track him down you know call me crazy but ask him humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings so ask him you want to crack that guy down somewhere along the road here, here's my thoughts on this. Somewhere, I've got a little over 28 years. I'm not bragging, I'm just reporting. I got a Little Bit My Sponsor series, got 54 years. So here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinkin' that I came day didn't have any concept of God whatsoever, didn't even like the deal. Somewhere along the line, I had this vague sort of life thing, you know? I'd like to think that at some point in time you get a better understanding of who he is. Wouldn't you like to think that? I mean, you can be dumb as a rock right now, but you'd like to pick somewhere along the road. I think it would be... Here's what I think. I think if you had a better understanding of who He was, it would have been more helpful to you. What do you think of that? It's just like a theory based on my own experience. I think that if you come in here and you have no idea who He is or what He is, I think this whole thing has got to be confusing. You know what I mean? but I think if you have a solid idea of who he is or what he is and a feeling as to where you can find him and what he wants and what he doesn't want and how he thinks and how He doesn't think and whether He's a friend or a foe or whether He can help you, if you've got some sort of faith or relationship with Him I'll bet these steps get easier I think they get easier I think they're probably tough in the beginning But I think, you know, here's what I'm thinking. I'm looking at these steps. He's like all over them. Look, he's like, where are they? He's all over the place. It says, see to it your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and God. He's over it. It says in the book, it says he will show you how to create the fellowship you prayed. He's going to show you who to hang out with. Right? You know, you're coming here, you don't even know who to hanging out with, You hang out with this guy, you hang out with that guy. Because, you see, when I first came to Day A, I was talking about this on Saturday, we had somehow gotten the subject. Everything was so important to me. We were going to talk about those worldly clamors that Bill Wilson was talking about. I wanted him, you know, and all this stuff we say in there but soon, worldly clamor mostly within myself blocked out the sunlight of his spirit. We know what he was talking about worldly clamoring. Right guys? You know what he was talking about. You know what he was talking about, right? I know you know. He wasn't talking about that wall there, was he? You know what those worldly clamors are. They're the stuff you think about every day. Guys, gals, you know what we're thinking about. You know who you're thinking of. You're thinking about the stuff they talk about in the seventh step. You think about that stuff, the material stuff. You think About the car, the gal, the guy, the home, the money, the job. all that crap that you're doing your best to try to manage so that you'll be on top and win all that stuff you're scared of not getting or losing I mean the real reason you're in here I mean sobriety is great but you know when do you get the money you know what I mean when the lotto or stuff like that you know in this program you know how to run this program it says you know we're alcoholics and can't manage our own life you can't believe that bullshit you can manage your own life how are you going to get the Money if you can' t manage your Own Life That no human power could relieve your alcoholism? What's that crap all about? You know? God couldn't. What if he was sought? So what's the deal? I'm supposed to give up the first two, which are the only things that work and concentrate on the third one and not even know who he is? But I'm thinking I'm thinkin' that the closer you get to him, the better idea you have on him probably the easier it is to work this deal. It's gotta be tough if you don't know him. Don't you think? When they're talkin' about him all over. You know, since we don't know much, you know, all our stuff is really going to... What does it say in the promises? You guys read the promises all the time. We finally said that he is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. He who? And he's doing everything. He's doing the stuff we can do for yourselves. That's the only important stuff. The other stuff we're going to do for ourselves. The only stuff we have here for us is the stuff you can't drink. The only reason we came in here because we couldn't stop drinking. The only thing we saw him out is because we could not do it. I could not stop drinking I looked the guy in the eye and said, I need help. I can't stop drinking. I walked in here. I didn't even know who he was. Picked up a white chip. Asked God to help me stay sober. I haven't had a drink in 28 years. And the only stuff that's important is the stuff he's going to give you and you don't even knows who he is. In Isaiah 66 it says, you know they read the Bible and all this stuff. We already went through that. If you haven't been through the steps to this point, it's okay with this group because you've already been indoctrinated, you know? You're not even flinching now at the Bible stuff. You've already seen where, you know, in the Dr. Bob and Good Old Times, this is the stuff they were reading. This is what they were looking at before the big book was written. It says, this is what it says. This is the one, this is what people are reading. It says it says this is what the Lord says. This is what God says. This is the one I esteem. He who is humble he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word. he who is humble I mean this stuff none of this stuff is new none of this stuff is new here's what God wants he wants here's who I esteem here's who I look I don't know whether you can say God looks up to here's who I respect he says this is the one I respect the one who is humble and contrite in spirit sorry and repentant being contrite means I'm sorry. You know, I'm sorry for the way I've been. He who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word. We're at a step right now. You know what the step is about? It's that humbly, humbly asking him, whoever he is, to remove our shortcomings. Now everybody in here can say remove my shortcomings, so here's the deal. A guy asked me to sponsor him. I'm not going to give his name. Paul. That's not his name. This just happened, okay? And he calls and he says, will you sponsor this? So I say yes, because I'll say yes to anybody. Well, it's the truth. You can't say you can sponsor, I've been sponsored 3,000 people. But I mean, it doesn't matter. You can sponsor a million people. Only two guys call you, you know. Listen, I've done the survey. I know the deal. 300 guys ask you to sponsor him you know they never call they never write you know like two guys show up and then after first week one guy dies and falls off and you know you got to sponsor 20 guys to have three guys calling me you know and so uh so he says so he's fine i said yes because i was told by a guy named johnny harris he says you know this is where i'm box anonymous for us he says i don't know what fellowship you're in but i'm an a.a i'm available so i say yes i would say yes I mean, the only time I might say no is like if I'm in Wisconsin and somebody says, yeah, I said, you know, it's probably off your debt to get somebody like in Wisconsin, you know? You know, or if you don't have, because I really think it ought to be somebody that you can get together with. You know what I mean? Somebody who can, you know, is in your town or close to you. You know? But I'll, so I said sure. And I said look, let me, I said I don't give assignments. I don' t do any, because if I give assignments then I have to worry about like did you do it? You know, people say, when are we going to do the four-step? And I said, I already did mine. It's like they're trying to drag me into the horse shit, you know what I mean? Like I'm the one who's getting sober and have to, you Know what I Mean? When are we Going to do this? When are We Going to, I don't know. I'm just doing my thing, you Now. And you're going to have to follow me around. I ain't going to, You Know. And so what I tell them, I say, look, this is the way it works with me. I'm ubiquitous. I'm like everywhere. I'm, like, you know, the guys who know me, there are guys here that know me. There are guys there I sponsor. I have grand sponsees and sponsee's and everything there. They know they're on my e-mail list. They know where I am at all times. I am the easiest guy to find. I'm having lunch every day with three or four guys I sponsor, and I'm eating dinner with guys I sponsored. I'm going to meetings all the time with guys that I sponsor and their sponseese and everything. If a guy calls me up, and you get this from Altease, you get these from Alatease, And they said, you know, I haven't seen you around. I go like, well, whose fault is that? You obviously haven't been at the meetings I've been at yet. I mean, I'm there. I'm involved. So what I told the guys, I said, yeah, sure, I'll sponsor you. No problem. I said look, this is the deal. He says, I say, I am just going to tell you straight out because I have a sign in my office that says the truth, you can't handle the truth. I am a big believer in the truth now. Now, of course, I understand this is the truth why I see it. This is based upon my experience. You know, I told you the whole thing about my spouse. You know we all come in here with opinions. We all think we're absolutely right. But, you know, in the end, the only thing that, you know, your opinion or whether you're right or what you think, it's all horseshit. The only thing that makes any sense is he who's standing at the end. You see, you don't have to be You know? I understand the thing. The guy who's more sober is the guy who got up whoever early in the morning. Well, how does that phrase go? whatever that bullshit is what is that? it's like my 28 years don't count for nothing some wacko got up at 3 o'clock in the morning so he's more sober than me or something people listen to that horseshit they believe stuff I hung around old timers because they had experience when a man with experience meets a man without money the man with the experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. Because opinions, you can shove up your ass. What's important here is a guy who's been around for 28, 30, 50, 4 years has a wife, has kids, has a job is self-supporting through his own contributions tries to help other people is not sitting around with his head up his ass all the time and worried about why they're saying this about me is not always going through the melodrama is not thinking about all the bullshit 90% of the people are thinking about in AA and he's sober and he is trying to help people and that's the deal and that is the deal if you can't see that then there is nothing I can do for you if you really believe that the guy who woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning is more sober than a guy with 54 years there is nothing I could do for him I knew is it because I am bright? I don't know what it is I knew that Ray O'Keefe was more Sullivan than anybody. I knew that Joe Snyder, I knew that Eddie Edwards. I could see that Bob Sullivan. I know who these guys were. I can tell there was a difference. There was sobriety and there was sobrietics. You know when they talk about it in the big book and they say on step six this is the step that separates the men from the boys even though it was in the book, they didn't have to put it in The Book. I KNEW there were some men in here and there were a lot of boys. I knew that. I knew I was one of the boys. And I knew I wasn't a man. I knew it. All this stuff was confirmed in writing everything in the big book that I've seen and felt and I've experienced just watching what's going on in Alcoholics Anonymous. This stuff is in the theory to me this is cold hard fact. This is the way it is. You know, I just knew it So the guy says to me, I'm going to tell you what he says to you, but what I'm getting at beforehand, which may not even be what I get at, is the step says humbly ask them to remove our shortcomings. Now you see, saying the seven-step prayer, if saying the third-step prior got you to the third step, everybody would have their third step in their pocket. They're saying the seven-step prayer got you the seven step prayer. You know, I mean, listen, I'm a big believer in prayer. I'm being a believer in saying it. I'm not a big believe in doing the steps. But apparently you can do every one of these steps. You can say every one of these prayers. You can mouth the words. And I know that you'll fake it until you make it. I believe in faking until you're making it. I've done the faking until you made it. It works. But here's the point on the fake it till you make it at some point in time. Are you ready? you're supposed to make it. You fake it until you make it the point of faking it is so that at some point in time you make it if you never make it then you're always faking it and you're a phony and what you do is you end up drinking and what happens is you say but I did all the steps and you didn't do anything because you were just sort of like masquerading as somebody who was sober with a lot of knowledge. So it says humbly ask them to remove... So here's the thing. I can ask, I can say the seven-step prayer until the cows come home. I just can't do that humbly thing. Humbly is impossible. I can't doing it. I don't even know how to do it. I mean, I've done it, but it wasn't because I was trying to do it. I've never even tried humbling. I wouldn't even know where to start. You know, I mean... Well, you know something? I've been humbled today. I mean I don't even have... I wouldn' t even be able to announce it. I couldn't even say, well you know tomorrow I think... You know what are you going to do tomorrow? I think I'll be humble tomorrow. I don' t know, it sounds like... As a matter of fact as soon as I say it, it sound like I'm not being it. Does that make any sense? It sounds like if you could do it, you wouldn't be it. But I've been it. I'm going to tell you how you do that deal. Because you don't have to worry about that humble thing. God's going to take care of that deal for you. He's goingto help you out with that. You got to trust me on this. Listen, I'm not sure how you get there, but I know it when I see it. And you're all going to get there. Okay? And listen, you may not know this, but you've all actually been there. the only problem is you've been like you know the problem with us is we've all been there it's just that we've sort of been tourists because we prefer not to live in that country you understand what I'm saying we feel better living in the get out of my fucking face country or who the hell do you think you are country or that guy's full of shit country or nobody's going to tell me what to do country or you know I've been around this is a bunch of bullshit country or you don't understand country or if only country, you know? Or I'm different country. You know what I mean? You know? Or, you know, we prefer that kind of... That country feels a little bit more, I don't know, comfortable to me. It feels like I have some sort of power and I like the power. I don' t like the humble country but in a sense I do like it. You know, I came in here on the humble country. I remember I said, I looked the guy in the eye and I said I was on the line at a hospital bed and I said I looked at him and I says I need help, I can't stop drinking you know this is an amazing thing I could not stop drinking my life was a mess I was morally spiritually, financially bankrupt in every respect I couldn't envision life without drinking I looked the guy in the eye I said I need help, i can't start drinking and my entire life changed and I didn't even do that young Simmons I didn' t even do I can't even tell you how I can replicate that I can' t get back if I could get back there my problem is I got up in front of a room in front 30 or 40 people not caring what they thought about me because I felt so low and I wanted this thing so much and I want my life to change so much and I knew I was I was so out of control and I know I had no power and I got up in front of the room not care what anybody spoke to me thought of me you know I didn't give a shit whether I was a lawyer I didn' t give a crap about who I was or what I was what people think and they said anybody want a white chick and I went up and I picked up the white chick in front I just sort of announced I need help I'm the newest guy in the group and I pick up the wife chick And everything got incredible after that. And the problem is it's all gone downhill since then. I was at my best. The night I said to that guy, I need help, I can't stop you. I was At My Best. And then I started getting better. You know, sponsors say the problem today is they get too well too fast. I got the car. I got money. I got a job. I got to go to Dallas. I started telling my sponsor I don't have to go to meetings on Thursdays. I started thinking, I started feeling better, you know what I started feelin' like? I started feellin' lke I used to feel. Large and in charge. In control. Grandiose. I started thinkin' the way I used to think. But the problem is I don' t know how to get back to the humbly thing. Because the way I got to the humbley thing in the first place had really nothing to do with me. I had to drink myself into humbly. And now I can't drink. So how do you get back to humbling? How do you get back to that state of mind? How do you get back to that feeling? It's got to be a rough deal. So the guy says to me, so I said to the guy, I said, look, this is the deal with me. I've got a lot of guys who ask me to sponsor them. And it's the way I do it. You know, I go to, I'm at meetings all the time, I'm at lunch all the time, I'm at dinner all the time, you're invited. I'll get your email, you'll know where I am at all times, you come to this thing, you're coming to this lunch, you know, we drive up here with about six or seven guys, we meet at Lester's, we're all there, you just going to be around. If you need some private, we'll be talking, you'll be seeing me, we will be talking and somehow this thing is going to work for you. This is the way I do it. That's the way I do It. And this is what I tell them. I say, I said, let me tell you what the deal is. I said what I find, and I'm going to tell you what I find, is that I have a lot of guys asked me to sponsor him, but what happens is very, very few people show up. They just don't show up, they don't just, they just don't come, you know, I can't, they tell me they want, he says no, no, hey, I'm different, I really want this thing. Now luckily after 28 years and 8 years on Relay and everything like that, I don't believe a fucking word anybody said, you know. Because if I start believing them, I might start liking them and then I'll get disappointed and I won't be able to do this meeting because I'll be sucking my thumb or something and I'll have to call my sponsor and say he didn't listen to me and why didn't he come and I start feeling all sorts of my self-esteem will go down the drain, I'll be no good to anybody, maybe I'll drink I'll start feeling sorry for myself so, you Know, it's not like I'm actually listening to them, because I don't even listen to outposts anyway, I don' t even listen to what they say because they lie they say things like you should share this meeting they say I'm not ready but they're not really saying I'm scared that's what they're saying they're just saying I'M SCARED so I'm going to listen to what an outlaw says I listen to whatever they don't say I'm always listening to what the outlaw is not saying because that tells me more about him than what he actually says so he says well we're going to a meeting in Broward County tomorrow he says why don't I have a car I said, well, what if I need a ride? I said. What if I get somebody to drive you up there? He says, fine. That'd be great if you could do that. So I spend a little time and I call up a couple of guys I sponsor and they say they're going to link up with him. They link up and they said, we're going to drive up there. And so 15 minutes before they pick him up, he calls me up on the phone. He says listen, I can't make it. There's another lie by the way. because I know it's not that he can't make it my parents are going someplace else to a portulite party and I want to go with them it's a party, it's all the family it's nothing he can make it it's that he doesn't want to make it because we know he's an alcoholic so we know up until this time he's told his parents about 10,000 times go screw yourself We know we're talking about a man who's perfectly capable of saying to his parents, I don't give a shit. I'm going where I'm gonna go. We're talking bout a man who's never listened to his parent in his entire life. And we also know we are talking about a guy that if he was to turn to his parents and say, listen, I'd love to go mom and dad but I'm goin' with my sponsor to an AA meeting. They would get down on their knees they'd say, thank you Jesus. So we all know that's true. Of course, he doesn't know that it's true So he says to me I'm going, whatever he says He says, fine, whatever Because this is a patient disease I know where this is going He's going to a 4th of July party You see, God will God, like it says in the book will show you how to create a fellowship and pray he'll put that fellowship all over you but your own mind will send you to the other fellowship we'll have you praying other deals and so the next day he calls me up and I said so how's it going and he says oh it's going real bad you know what I mean he says do you know what happened? I said yeah I know what happened he said well what happened I said you're full of shit and you're not going to stay sober I've never seen a guy like you stay sober because you got your head up your ass because instead of going to an A&E and hanging out on the 4th of July with people that are sober he chose to do what he wanted to do that's what happened so you can call me up when you're serious and I hung up the phone and I told him, I said you don't have to call me every day in the report because I'm not into that bullshit I'm like your probation officer I'm your mother, I'm my father you don' t have to do that bullshit so you tell somebody else you've been calling up your sponsor her today like you're actually doing something. You know, I set it up so you could be where you were supposed to be on the day and you blew it. Now hang up the phone. Now, some people might think that I was a little rough on them. Sometimes I second guess myself. I do. Say maybe I was real rough on him. But you know I was a little rough on him but then I think again I think about my own sobriety I think this disease I think about how I stayed sober and what happened to me I think about the concept of humbling I think about being humble I think about guys in AA that I would call up and, you know, start wanting to and they'd say, why don't you go drink and hang up the phone. You know? I mean, I think about Ray O'Keefe inviting me to lunch and say, we'll meet at 12 o'clock here and I got there at 12.05 and he wasn't there and I'd say... He just got in and says, yeah, he was here. And I call him up and I said, I'm at the restaurant and he said... I said 12 o'. I said it's 12.45. I said... I said twelve o' clock. I think about stuff like that I think about the guys that sort of like gave me shots hurt my feelings I think about my sponsor who said to me when I was sitting at a table and I think I told you guys this story when Iwas about 4 months sober and I was bullshitting or gossiping or doing what I did talking about some guy in AA behind his back because that's what I always did Because I'm an alcoholic. And I've got a lot of addictions, and I've got a whole lot of compulsions. One of my compulsions is I talk badly about other people behind their back because I think badly about other people all the time. That's why I can't stand silence. That's what I have to have a radio on when I'm in the car. Or TV on or be on the phone. Otherwise it's silence. And for me, silence means I'm hearing and thinking and feeling my thoughts and my thoughts are always bad thoughts about myself and other people. They may be uncomfortable. So I would do things that would sort distract me and make me comfortable. One of the things I would do is I would strike up a conversation and incessantly talk bad things about other people behind their back. And I didn't even know what was wrong because everybody I hung out with, they'd talk about the same stuff. They couldn't wait until I stopped talking so they could start talking bad things about other People Behind Their Back. I think about my sponsor turning to me and saying, you know, Russell, this is outlaw synonymous. You know, we don't say bad things about other Peoples Behind Their back. He says, he says, so unless you have something good to say about somebody who wants you to shut up. I think about stuff like that and how I wanted to kill him and I wanted her to hurt him and I was mad at him and I want to quit AA and walk out the room and went through all those thoughts. I think of Al Grout telling me I was full of shit when I went to him for help. I think about all that stuff where I'd be mad and all that sort of stuff, but you know something? But I didn't want to drink. But I Didn't Want To Drink. No matter how mad I was, no matter how upset I was no matter what his thought was no matter much my mind was saying this is bullshit I thought about how I didn't want to drink and I thought about how somehow someway with the help of God and I don't know how because I didn'y even know who he was or anything I'd somehow come to the conclusion that somehow whether he was right or not I was just going to go along with the deal and eat crow and just shut up and either say I was sorry and I think about it I'm not talking about other people behind their back I think about, you know, when I realized that I shouldn't, that I couldn't do that and I stopped doing it. Not forever, not for the most part, not perfectly, but I conscientiously, when I was with him and other people, I just didn't do it. And I think about how I started feeling better about myself. And I think about how Johnny Harris, when I asked him whether I had his number, instead of saying to me, sure here it is, he said to me it's in the book. And I said well you're a big circus speaker, you've got an unpublished number and I think about him saying to say listen, I don't know what fellowship you're in but I'm in alcoholics anonymous, I'm available. I think about them giving me that shot. I don't know what fellowship. It was like a little shot and I'm sensitive. I'm an alcoholic. I think about all these guys that every time they try to teach me something, they're always giving me shots. And I think of what the shots used to do to me. You know what they used to take me down a notch? It may sort of look like they were picking on the weaker guy. But I'm an alcoholic. I'm a monster. I can see you're nice people, but I'm a monster! I'll rip your heart out. I'll tell you I'm going to be somewhere and then not show up. I borrow money from you and then not pay you back. I will hurt you more than anybody can hurt you in your life and then I'll make an excuse as to why it was okay to do it and I'll blame you and I will be angry at you. I am an alcoholic! You know like they say in the whole thing, I'll steal your wallet and then help you look for it. I'm a liar. I'm not a thief. I'm the worst type of person in the body. That's what I am. That's who I am, I'm not a nice guy. I'm a nice guy when I want you to like me. You know, when I think it's going to get me something I want, I're here for me, for myself. I'm the only guy I care about. I care about you. And I think about how these guys just go, whack me and whack me. And what it would do is it's sort of like take me down a peg. It would like humble me. Maybe not as bad as the alcohol did when I looked that guy in the eye and I said I need help, I can't stop drinking. But bad enough so that I'd learn a lesson. Bad enough so that it would sink in. You know somehow, I don't know what this is with alcoholics, but I'm just talking about me. You can tell me the absolute truth to my face. If it doesn't hurt my feelings, I don't hear it. Unless I'm hating you for about six weeks afterwards, it doesn'T sink in. I've got to hate somebody at least for three or four days and talk about it for ten meetings and go through it before I say I can't stand it anymore. And then at some point in time, I'm either going to drink or or I'm going to do a forced up inventory and say what's wrong with me and somehow at the very end and I don't know how this happens I'm gonna come to the conclusion in some weird way that there's some truth in what you're saying and all of a sudden my whole life is gonna change and I'm not gonna even know how it happens all I know is one day I'm just gonna walk up to you and say you know I used to hate you but now I love you and I didn't even know how that deal works with alcoholics I know this, I know most of us walk around so worried about being rejected or having other people reject them or not be in life that we're scared to rebuke anybody you know maybe that's what it is about being an old timer, being around for 20 or 30 days maybe where that's helpful is they're just not scared, you know, maybe that'S where that deal comes in, fear of people and the economic fear of people maybe if you're so scared about whether some a sponsor or somebody likes you or whether a group likes you, maybe it's hard to talk to them. Maybe it's harder to even be yourself. I mean, I'm all for entertaining people. I like a good laugh. I like to entertain. You know, I don't think it should be boring. But maybe you can't really even talk the truth or be yourself or talk the true truth or talk to anybody or be, you know, like it says in the Bible, be the salt. It says if the salt has lost its saltiness, what good is it? you know if you can't talk the truth and be straight and you know if you can't say what the deal is all about with this vicious disease what good is it maybe that's what it is maybe after 15 or 20 years you lose a few people maybe that promise actually happens so you can look at somebody in the eye with love but sort of like a tough love sort of thing and say that's bullshit you're full of shit you're lying you don't think anything as I would say in NA maybe that's what it's all about especially when we're dealing with the crap we got to deal with. And so I got this book. We're going to close up in a couple of minutes, and I just want to read a couple things from it. Step seven. And this is the bad news. But it's the great news. Well, it'll be the great news for some of you. For some of them, it won't be good at all. Because this is the deal. This is the truth we're talking about. You might have gotten a hint of this is why you got to go through the sixth step to get to the seventh step every step pushes you forward you gotta do every step it's like I had to do trigonometry before I did out before I could count those I had two captains before I get out of some anaphylps I had a new analytical geometry before yeah you know trick I mean there were things I have to do they were called prerequisites okay the six steps set you up for the seventh step the sixth that was all about trying to get perfect even though you're never Okay, you got rid of the alcohol. The alcohol is the least of your problems now that it's gone. Nobody here is drinking. You know something? Let me tell you something. If you're not drinking, you don't have a drinking problem anymore. You've got some other crap going on that you better get a hold of. There are old ideas that are going to lead you back to the drinking or lead you backwards. You better work on those deals and it's going to take you 10 years to figure out what some of those suckers are. And you've got an old idea inside of you right now that's going to get you drunk at 20 years sober that you don't even know about that's gonna be eating your liver at 20 years. And you got something right now that's goin' on inside of you, if you got five years, you got an old idea sittin' down inside of ya right now that's fixin' to get ya drunk in a week. And you got a week to figure out what that is and get that under control. You know? And you know somethin'? You're not up to it. You're NOT UP TO IT. I'mma tell ya right now you're not up to it. There's nobody in this room that's up to it. You don't have the time, you don't know the inclination so you better have humility to listen to what other people tell you even though you know they're full of shit. You better surround yourself with people that are going to tell you stuff like when you say I'm going to leave, they're going to say you're going stay and you're going to stay anyway. And you don' t even know why you're going to stayed because you're humble. And you don''t even know how you got humble, you just are. And you weren't even trying, you're just going to stay. Some are going to stand, some are going to leave. Step seven, now here's the problem. So step six starts talking about other stuff. You notice it starts talking about like sex and men and women and money and all that sort of stuff. The way we look at it, it starts calling about the most important things in our lives. What step six talks about is it talks about your relationship to what you think is the most importante thing in your life. That's the problem with alcoholics. I walked in here and I had a thousand things that were important to me. A thousand things. Women, sex, money, cars, job, prestige, clothes, my weight, all the vanity stuff, how I look, you know, what other people think about me. And somewhere way down on the list was like sobriety, God, and alcoholics synonymous, which I didn't really understand much either. When you got a thousand things in those three things, are just one of a thousand, a thousand and three. When you're called upon to make decisions, it's really tough. You do things like you go with your mother and father instead of going to AA because AA isn't that important. It's important, but it's not that important, it's less important. You start thinking, well, you know, it's important for my family, it's more important. You hear stuff in AA like anything you put in front of you, you're out, you're drinking, you're gonna lose, you know what I mean? But you don't believe it. You know? So when your wife says, are you gonna go to that AA meeting or are you going to stay here with me? You say, oh, it's your wife. So you call up and say to your sponsor, you say, well, I can't go because my wife wants to stay because what are you going to say to your wife? No, I'm going. I'm sorry, I love you, but I'm gone. You're not going to have to say that because she's important because the whole world is telling you it's, you know, that same world, those worldly clowns that were telling you all of a sudden because your boss is going to tell you stuff and your friends are going to tells you stuff and your drinking buddies are going tell you something and your mom and your father and your sister and your cousin and Uncle Fred, that cute, he's going to says shit to you. He's going say, You're still going to all those meetings. I mean, people all over the place are going to be telling stuff to you. And you're not going to know what is true and what is false because you've got a thousand important things and there's just one old guy in AA and he's not that important. He's not paying your visa bill anyway. And you'll get all mixed up. If you do this thing right, as time goes along, you're going to have all these things that you know are important. They're goingto be above the line and then you're gonna have a bunch of things below the line that are not that importante. As time goes on, you know something? you're going to start adding things below the line. And the stuff above the line that's important is going to become less important. And one day you're gonna wake up and there's only gonna be three things that are important. God, your sobriety, and alcoholics anonymous. And you know something? You're not gonna have any problems making decisions. It's not that you're not going to have a life. You're just not gonna having any problems making decisions because the only thing that's supporting you is God, your sobrietty, your relationship with him, your sobretty, and alcohols anonymous and the truth is you're going to realize those three things are really only one thing. Because without your sobriety, you don't have any relationship with God. You know? And without AA, you probably won't have your sobrietty or your relationship with God, so you realize it's only about one thing The whole thing is about one things, and then all of a sudden start looking back at the steps and say, holy shit, that's the only thing they've been talking about When they got to step 11 they said they were talking about him, and having a relationship with him. And all of the sudden people are going to say things like, you want to go to this party you wantto go here, youwant to go there, and you're gonna be able to make decisions like that. You're not even gonna have problems. You can make decisions like that because you're going to know what's important, what's not important, what's right, what' wrong. You're not going to be confused. And all of a sudden, you're reading this book and it's going to make sense. It says, certainly no outlaw can surely no matter the value wants to deprecate material achievement. Nor do we enter into debate that many still so passionately cling to. That belief to satisfy our basic natural desires is the main object of life. But we are sure that no class of people in the world ever made worse mess of trying to live by this formula than alcoholics. Now listen. for thousands of years we have been demanding more than our share of security that's the money prestige, look at me look at my car look at who I know and romance that's all romance, you know the stuff you think about 90% oh my god now he's asking me to give up the guy, the gal, sex you know my love life, my dream you're going to be giving up some dreams you're gonna get better dreams You're going to get some great stuff. Why would you hang on to bullshit when they're giving you diamonds? When we seemed to be succeeding, we drank to dreams still greater dreams. When we were frustrated in part, we drank for oblivion. Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted. So all of a sudden we come in here and we find out that if you get a sponsor and you're worried, this is the stuff they're talking about you have to get rid of and can't put before God. The stuff that you don't want to give up. And then it says over here, it says for us to process, now how do we gain humility? How do we get to this new perspective? You think I walked in here at three months, you think I was like giving this speech at three weeks? You think that three years I was talking at meetings like this? You know, I didn't memorize this stuff. I'm talking about my life and what I know and whatI know. You think this is something that just sort of came five years and I knew this stuff? This comes from some vicious pounding. You don't get in that car wash, you know. For us, the process of getting... It says it, listen. Make believe for one second that they're telling you the truth. Make believe that this is not bullshit. Make believe that this has been around for 60, 70, 80 years and people have been doing this and staying sober. Some people are staying sober and it's going to change their life and make believe this is the absolute... Make believe that this book which is our basic text is the truth and make belief that if this is a truth everything you're thinking is bullshit. That's a scary thought but this is a very serious disease. now if that's true if everything that's going on in your mind is bullshit and this is the truth now listen to what they're saying for us the process of gaining a new perspective was unbelievably painful now let me tell you what that means that means if you're going to hang around here with me and some of the men you're gonna have the shit kicked out of you but you're gunna be happy as a client I don't know I can't explain to you what it's like to be broke have your house foreclosed on have cancer have people treat the family be betrayed have all sorts of crap happen to you and have great joy too I can't explain that to you but when you go through it you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about you'll learn how this thing works for us the process of gaining a new perspective is only by repeated humiliations that we were forced to learn something about humility it was only at the end of a long road marked by successive defeats in humiliations, that means more than one defeat in humiliation, and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency, crushing of our soft sufficiency, that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of grumbling despair. And then later on it says, I'll sort of end up on this, it says our eyes begin to open to the immense values which have come straight out of painful ego puncturing. Until now our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. Your entire life from the time you wake up in the morning and the time you go to bed at night is how can I not be drunk? Your entire life from the time you get up from the morning until you go to sleep at night how can i get a guy how can ive got a gal how can have romance how can love how can not be alone your entire life your whole existence all you think you think about AA stuff you think you think about God bullshit all you think about is you how to win how to get what you want and everything you want is the problem that's not me that's the big book about everything you think about is a problem. And half of you are saying I'm ready to get out of this fucking mess. I'm getting out. I didn't sign up for this shit. I figured I'd go here for about a week or two and then I'm on the yacht with Britney Spears or Michael Jackson. Where's Britney? Where's Michael? Where are those people? You want to be on the yard with them? Is that what you want? You want what they got? until now our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. We fled from them as from a plague. We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. Escape by a bottle was always our solution. Character building through suffering might be alright for saints, but it didn't appeal to us. This is not a deal where you get... Yeah, you get rocketed in the fourth dimension. You experience much of heaven. It gets wonderful through the suffering. You know where you should have gotten the first hint on this deal? What brought you in here? Remember how you were a drinker and a drugger? Remember how it was the only life you ever knew? Remember how you weren't going to give it up for anybody? Remember how your family was going to die? Remember how they flushed your entire family, your self-respect, everything down the drain and you wouldn't listen to anybody? No matter how much they told you to change? and you were going to die drunk or whatever it is, because you didn't listen to anybody? Do you remember what happened to you to get you to sit in those chairs? Remember how once you finally paid attention because of the ego puncturing and the crushing, remember how great things got? Now that you're here, you've got to get rid of those old ideas, you've gotta change some more. What made you think that the mechanism of change works differently what did you think a bunch of angels sort of come down and pat you on the head and say don't think of the sex so much what do you think was going to happen it's just crushing after crushing after molding after pushing after shoving I'm not trying to make it sound like a bad thing you know what I want it to sound This is what I want. I don't want you to panic when things get tough. When you don't have the money and you don' t know where it's coming from, you don''t know how you're going to make the mortgage, I don'' t want youto panic. I know you'regoing to panic anyway. I want you understand that's part of the deal. When you need a job and youdon't get a job and you can't believeit's been six months and you've got to take another month and youcan't believewhat's going on here and you're feeling humble andyou're feeling lousy and you feel creepyand what's sobriety going about and you run around like a chicken with your head chopped off and you''re just trying to stay sober and you're going to meetings but you're feeling lousy and you feel shitty about yourself, I don't want you to think there's actually a problem. I don' t want you to think it's a problem I want you to understand it's great. That's what the book of James is all about. They were looking at it and it says rejoice when you have trials and tribulations because your endurance through those gives you stronger faith and you start looking at other things besides the job and you say well screw the job whatever it is if it comes it comes I'm going to get through this God's going to help me anyway and somehow you come out of the other end and it wasn't so bad. I'm going to just tell you, you're going to have to go through the bullshit to get to the good stuff. You're goingto have to do it. So if you're doing it now or you go through it a month from now or three months from now, whether it be death, cancer, somebody leaving you, betrayal or anything, if you don't drink, if you look to this deal, you are doing... This is just as part... The pain and the ego-puncturing is just so much a part of the program, just as much a parte of the seventh step. That's how you do humbling. That's how I do humbly. Let me tell you something. When I got the money in the bank, when I got everything going our way, I don't even know what humbly looks like. I barely know what humbly works like when I got nothing, you know what I mean? That's the way. Hey, listen, I'm just telling you what my experience has been. You're going to have your own experience. You're all going to go through it. Thank you very much. Thank you.