Russell S. – The Fellowship of the Problem – 2023

My name is Russell Spatz. I'm an alcoholic. And I haven't found a necessary ever drink, nor have I had a drink. You have to say that. There was a guy speaking in Texas and he said, I haven'T found a necessarily ever drink in 20 years. And his buddy said, he said I saw you were drunk last night. He said, yeah, but it wasn't necessary. But since January 25th, 1981, but my real special date is actually December 25th which is Christmas day at 3 o'clock in the morning but I'll talk about that maybe I'll get to that but in any event so I was my lovely wife is there could you stand up did anybody see my gorgeous wife did you see her smiling Did you see it smiling like she was happy that I introduced her and paid attention and everything? My wife's in Al-Anon, our Ladies of Perpetual Revenge. She does a great Al-ANON 10-step. If I'm wrong, she probably admits it. I won't hear the end of that deal, you know what I mean? But I love her. God gave me to her. My first sponsor said, don't make any major decisions in your first year. So when I was three months sober we got married. and we've been married 43 years, it's too late now we got 4 kids and 8 grandkids and 3 dogs or 2 dogs in any event so it's a blessing to be here well I got this suit so I was she said what are you wearing I said well I'm in shorts and like a t-shirt because I come from Miami oh by the way that talk that Candace did was remarkable I've been around for a while. You can tell I've been somewhere for a long time, but I mean I've been around a long for a time so and I met a lot of people in AA and Candace comes from a great group. She was some of the Bell Flag group. That's Johnny Harris' group. When I was Intergroup Banquet Chairman for a couple years, I brought down Johnny and Clancy and some of my AA heroes. Most of my heroes, my AA heroes when I was coming up in the ranks have passed away, but they haven't passed away in my mind. I'm always talking about him, always thinking about him. And so there's a whole line of thought, sponsorship and everything that says when you go to a function like this out of respect for him, wear a coat and wear a tie whenever you speak and everything. And I have a lot of friends that are I'm one of those, you know, the chief characteristic of an alcoholic is defiance. I'm One of those guys. It's a shorts and T-shirts good enough for me. But but so my wife said to me, because that's why God gave me this life. She said, you know, you're flying over there on their dime and everything like that. At least you can put on a suit, for God's sakes. You know? Hey! Okay, I'll do that. So now you've seen the suit, right? See what I mean? So I'm hot. It's hotter than that. Take it off. You know I own a suit. Hot. Hot. Then come day to be uncomfortable, you You know? So I'm going to talk about some stuff. It really gets good. Let me tell you something. You're going to stick around because the third hour of this talk is amazing. I was going to do a talk, I mean, Rebecca asked me to do my world famous talk on humility but I never do it with a group this small so, you know, I'll just do it a little bit differently now. So I want to read you something out of the big book. The big book is pure AA, and so I want read you some pure AA. So at least you get something out of this, you know what I mean? But this is going to be short. It's going to be one paragraph. I'm constantly learning things. I'll tell you the truth, you're going to hear a lot of crazy stuff here. I go off the charts. Maybe I go off the chart, so I'm not sure what off-the-charts are. I started off on the broad—we all start off on a broad highway, right? But then for me, we all start off in that big tunnel, right, I mean that big funnel, you know, a funnel because the only requirement to be an outbox anonymous is what? That's it. You could be an atheist. Can you be an atheist and be an AA? Can you be an agnostic and be an AA. You can believe in all sorts of crazy stuff to be an AA right. You can stand up and say I'm an atheist and agnóstic I hate this I hate that all religions are bullshit you can say anything you want an AA right nobody can kick you out as long as you're not disturbing the whole group as long as you have a desire to stop drinking right hey it doesn't even have to be an honest desire, right? It used to be honest desire. You know, they changed that. Like a fleeting thought after a Saturday night is good enough. Because honest desire was like too high a bar for AA, you know what I mean? That's when you come in, right. And on the last page it talks about something called and then you join the fellowship of the what? No, that's not when you join. But you join the fellowship of the problem. I've been around, listen, I'm just, this is just, you want to say, you know this is my opinion. You don't have to buy into any of this stuff. But be careful what you listen to because you may walk out of here saying, I think that guy may be right. Especially you guys that don't like me, that I disturb. Some guy came up to me and says, you know, I really didn't like what you had to say. I said, did I disturb you? He said, yeah. I said mission accomplished. I never learned anything from any sponsor unless he punched me in the gut first Johnny Harris did that he once punched me to the gut I fell in love with the guy and I wanted to ask him for his number and he was leaving Miami and I knew his number was unlisted because he was such a great speaker I said Johnny would you mind if I call you up in LA and he said, sure, you can call me anytime. So I said, well what's your number? He says, it's in the book. He said, it's a book. I said your number is not unlisted? And he looked at me and he could have said, no it's not un-listed. He could've said that but he didn't do that with me because I apparently have something written on the top of my head that says, this man is stupid. You need to kick him. Like one of my mentors, John Wayne, you guys look like you're old enough. Anybody remember John Wayne? See, he's one of my mentors. I can get wisdom from anyone, you know. John Wayne says, life is tough and if you're stupid it's even tougher. So apparently Johnny didn't say, no, he said this, he said this. This is the way he said it. He said, you know, Russell, I don't know what fellowship you're in. Like, give me the shot. But I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm available. He sent it to me 40 years ago. I've never forgot it. I say it at meetings. I've ever forgot it, I'm available. You taught me a lesson. The only way you can teach an alcoholic a lesson, give them a little humiliation. Repeat, that's how we get new perspective, right repeated humiliations final question of our self-sufficiency that's why you're here you didn't come in here riding the wave you know you want a million dollars you got a new girlfriend new boyfriend new job you know your surfing the whole deal life is great oh man this would be great time to join alcoholics anonymous you know so it's all about the pain it's all about it's being crushed it's all about surrendering you come in here and you don't have a clue what the problem is you think the problem is alcohol and it's not it's so not the problem well it's what gets you here you know so we got to give it that but it's so not a problem so you come here and if you got balls the problem then after three months over you realize my friend a guy I sponsored once said to me And he was a guy who used to, I was a major crimes prosecutor, murder cases and stuff like that. And another guy named Tommy, who's now like 40 years old, he called me up. He was a drinking buddy of mine. He said, and he was sleeping on the probation officer's floor and his hair was down to here. He was at Jock in college. And he said, he told me his problem. He was supposed to be in court. He couldn't be in Court. He was coked out. He was strung out of his drink. And I called him the chief judge. I got him off the hook in the court thing. Then when I got him, took him to his first AA meeting. He took to it like a duck talk took to water. One of my first sponsors. He loved it. He immediately cut his hair. He looked like the jock he was from college. He got back in the swing of things. Even though he could have been a lawyer, he went working in a lead factory. He went to meetings. He was going to meetings all the time. Two or three meetings. He loved alcoholics. And obviously now he's about three months sober. And I get a call and he says, Russell, it's Tommy. I said, yeah, Tommy. He said, I think I have to leave AA. I said. I said Tommy, what are you talking about? He says, I take I have the leave AA I said so what do you mean you got to leave A's is he said then he like whispered like somebody might be listening to this. I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I said what do mean you're not an alcoholic? you're strung out on cocaine and booze living on a probation officer's floor you know what I mean you couldn't stop drinking I brought you an A you loved it you had two million meetings you say I'm an alcoholic your life is all changing he says I know, I know he said for us I don't think I'm an alcoholic he says I said Tommy what do you mean you don't take care of alcohol he says listen and then he whispered in the phone he said I think I'll just crazy I said, Tommy. He says, what? He says Tommy, listen. He says what? What? He says listen. He says I said you can be both. He said really? I said it's absolutely solved. Thank God. You see alcohol is but a symptom of the disease. The real disease centers in your mind and your thinking. you know, you're driving along you've got 5 years, 10 years, 15 years 20 years, 2 months, whatever it is I don't give a crap and all of a sudden you're in the shower you're lathering up and all the sudden you hear that boys, youre a loser you're a piece of crap you might as well kill yourself you're never going to be okay and you look around see who's saying that shit to you and you're the only one in the show where's that coming from? you know it's coming from you you know what that is that's your reputation of you with you that's what you really think that's who you are you know who that is that's alcoholism. And then you tell yourself and you tell other people all the time, don't you? You're an alcoholic, you say. I don't give a crap what other people think. I don'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME. And sometimes you'll say that to other people. You say that in groups of people. I DON'T GIve A CRAp WHAT THEY Think About Me. Who cares, you know what I mean? Usually say something like that after you've been thinking about what other People are Thinking About Me for that six months. Ultimately, you learn that people that say they don't give a crap what other people think about them is people who think they don t give a crap. People who tell themselves they don t care what other think about them. All they do is worry about what people are going to think about him. People that don t think about it never think that. They say things like pass the ketchup, but they don't say that stuff. You know what I mean? That's alcoholism. Your house is being foreclosed on and you're worried about where you're going to live, but what you're really worried about is what will people think about me if my house is forecloset on? What will people think about you if I lose my job? In bondage, what will people think about me if I say I believe in God at any meeting? what if I talk about God too much in a day what will they think about me you know that's all you do you live a life in bondage you don't know the new freedom what you know is you know how not to drink so you join the fellowship of the problem and you go to a lot of meetings where they say don't drink even if your ass falls off, don't drinking go to meetings if you go through the whole day and you screwed up everything but you haven't had a drink you're a winner. And I believe that, by the way. I believe there's a time and place for that. It's like the book of Ecclesiastes. For everything, there is a season. So you've got to look at it from my point of view. I'm in my 43rd year. So you'll understand. There are people here that have five years. And if I asked them if they changed their thinking about a lot of things in the last five years, they'd say absolutely. How are you doing? I'm doing great. And then I'd say somebody who has ten years, Have you changed your thinking since you've had 10 years? He says, since you had five years. And I said, oh, absolutely. Completely different. He says how are you doing? Great. Would you like to go back to the way you were five years? No way. Then there's people with 20 years. I say, how are You doing? He says great. He says have you changed since you Had 10 years. He says absolutely incredible. Incredible. My whole story has changed. Everything about me, what I think About has changed would you Like to go Back 10 years no that was crap. you know so I'm coming up and I'm thinking that everybody stays sober now isn't that right I go to conventions I've been to almost every international convention 50,000 people 60,000 everybody stays look at this everybody's sober and then you start really start looking at things you see the only difference between me in my 43rd year and me is more repeated humiliations a longer time to be humiliated and crushed by the lord so i would pay attention and turn around and see exactly where i still have to change that's the only difference and i'll probably if god willing if i live for another 10 years he'll probably change me some more and i'm saying mom man that 43 years was crap compared to 50 you know what i mean it's just a change but then here you got to look at it from my point of view up to 20 years i thought everybody stayed sober today so did you hear the countdown I have 43 there's a guy with 49 did you here between 40 and 49 or between 40 and 30 so everybody's sober between 1 and 20 and then all of a sudden there's a vast wasteland and all of the sudden everybody's drinking after 20 years and all of a suddenly everybody's not drinking and members of the not drinking club at 15 years, at 17 years you know most of the people I sponsor these days I still sponsor people I've sponsored people all my life are people that have over 20 years 20, 30, 40 years that are not happy with their sobriety and you wouldn't know it because they know how to talk AA they know what's said in AA well I drank because I stopped going to meetings I heard that oh I'm just never going to stop going to meeting then I'll never drink again and I forgot You know what I didn't realize? That those guys who said they stopped going to meetings 10 years ago sat in the same chair I was sitting in saying, I'm just never going to stop going to means. So the question is not, it's not stop going. It means that you'll drink after you stop going on meetings, perhaps. But the real question is, why do people stop going and why did they stop continuing? That's the question that has to be answered because they've never really understood what the deal is and what the big book's talking about. so you come in on this big funnel where the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking and it's all about the not drinking and don't drink even if your ass falls off and don t talk about the god thing you'll scare away newcomers forget that stuff that in the first five years they got on their knees you couldn't get to an amy you had to get him at least and gave you love to god forget about that part in dr bob and good old timers when dr bob says the class the brew master do you believe do you belief in god he says what does that do with it and bob says everything. He says, well I guess I do. Guess nothing. You either do or you don't. God is either everything or nothing. And he was in a hospital bed. He said, well I do it. He's like, good, now we're getting somewhere. Get out off your knees and get on your knees on the bed. Because that's the way they did it between 1935 and 1940. There was no square around. You had to prove to them you were ready. They weren't begging you to come into Alcoholics Anonymous. And he got on his knees and then Clarence said that famous thing that I love he said in Dr. Walton's Good Old Timers, a book that nobody ever reads. He said, I did what I was ordered to do. There were no suggestions. I did whatever I was told to do and there were no suggestions. And then he asked Dr. Bob, what does first things first mean? And Bob looked up and he said, seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all things will be added unto you. And he asked, Dr. Bob, Dr., Bob said, what are the books we found necessary? The books we find absolutely necessary in 1 Corinthians 13 sermon on the Mount and the book the James. Those are the books. We are almost called the James Club, but nobody reads that stuff because that would be drastic. That would be like extra credit. Thank you. Nobody wants to do the extra credit stuff, right? I was told once that to get where most people will never go, you know, that rocket ship in the fourth dimension, there is a separation between the men and the boys, right? The sixth step. I find myself talking more and more about the sixth step, not the third step, not the 11th, but more and More About the Sixth Step. Because if you're into the sixth and the seventh step, which are the old-timer steps, which are those steps that separate out the men from the boys. If you're in to those steps, you're going to end up doing all the steps anyway, automatically. Because you're not going to be turning... You ever have people say, well, just turn it over? Just turn it on. I've turned it over a million times. I've turned things over. Cancer over three times. I've turn over many things. You've turned over many things. Things that are bothering you, turn it over, right? There is a way of getting through life without having to ever turn... How would you like... How about if I told you how to live your life a free man and woman not worried about anybody ever in what they think about you, even in AA about what you say and you never have to turn anything over again. Would you like that? I'll give you the secret right now. Would you like it? Why don't you live a turned over life? Why don'T you just wake up thinking about the Lord, thinking about God? Why don'T you think about God all during the day? Why don''t you make God the number one? Why don ''t you do what they say in the book? God is everything or he's nothing. Why don.''t you dO what they sAy in the bOok where they say this is the step that separates the man from the boys? The boys are the ones that come into the beginning with the only desire to stop drinking. The men, who are the men? It says it in the book. You read the book, right? They're the ones that want to grow in the image and likeness of their creator with the capital C. Why don't you get on that rocket ship ride? I mean, forget about the not-drinking club. We're all in the not drinking club. Why don'T you get onto that deal where you're rocking in the fourth dimension experiencing much of heaven and knowing peace? Why donT you get into that great fact deal? Only two things are required in the great fact field, right ? God has become the central factor of your life. that means the thing you think about the most, you talk about the most you proclaim the most God has to be the central factor of your life and you must be convinced absolutely convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is miraculous causing you to do things that you could never do by yourself I mean maybe they were serious maybe when they said we're on a new basis a basis of trust and relying upon God we never apologize for God maybe we never apologize for god maybe you don't feel ashamed of talking about God and Amy what would that be like? What the heck would you say? What if you really believe that the only reason you're sober is God? What if it came to a point in AA where you walked in and you, like Tommy thought you realized you were crazy because you were nuts because you're thinking spending money you don' t have buying crap you don''t even need to impress people you don ''t even like always worried about yourself and nervous and worried about money and all. So what if you had all that stuff going on and you had no idea what your problem was and every month and every year there's more and more problems going on and you have no idea what the hell is going on in your brain and what if it got even worse that you got this sneaking suspicion that you don't even know how to think your way out of it and what if you came to the conclusion that not only you don'T know what the problem is, you DON'T even know what THE SOLUTION is and you DONT even know HOW TO THINK YOUR WAY OUT OF IT and so YOU'RE LOST and you go to meetings, they tell you you don't drink, go to the meetings and you're not drinking but you still don't feel good. You're still not happy with your sobriety. Here and there once in a while former drinker says feel better, look better, have a better time. We laugh at Sir Sally. Soon he'll know the old he'll play the old game again because he's not happy with his sobrietry. Soon you'll know loneliness as few do. What if you're still lonely? What if you're worried about what other people think about it? He says here's the promise. You'll lose fear of people and their judgment and economic insecurity. What if you still got all those and you got 10 or 15 to 20 years? Where are you going to go then, big shot? What if we go to two, three meetings a day? What if he's sponsoring 10 million people? What if doing all this stuff? What if read the big book 10 million times and you're still worried about what people think about you and scared of financials? Where are going to then, Big Shot? Just sponsor some more people? Just do some more service? Yeah, that'll keep you probably treading water. You'll probably get sober. If sober is what you want, Bill Wilson did it that way. I mean, I love Bill Wilson. I'm not telling you anything that isn't clear from the literature. I love Will Wilson. At 21 years he was sucking on LSD, trying to figure out how to feel better. He wrote the big book at four years sober. We know it was divine and inspired because nobody four years over can write that sucker. He wrote The Twelve and Twelve when he was 19 years sober and after 19 years he started LSD experiments. I'm really not judging him. I'm literally not because he wrote a whole thing about it and then at 22 years what did he write? The Next Frontier Emotional Sobriety, which nobody reads. It's a great thing to read. It's great essay. He basically said I missed the whole boat. I got it all wrong. Bob Smith, I used to idolize Bill Wilson. You know, everybody wants Bill Wilson, Bill Wilson and Bill Wilson and I guess the first 10 or 15 years I thought he was a cat. He's not my higher power but I thought and then I started reading some more and I studied some more and I started dealing with my life more at 20, 22, 25, 30 years sobriety and I realized the guy that I really need to look to if I need to look at anybody is Bob Smith who figured the whole thing out really figured it out and I think Bill really relied on Bob as a rock Bob is the one who said to Bill Wilson last words he said to Will Wilson you haven't told your own opinion you're not going to tell your own last words you said were Bill let's not screw this thing up keep it simple now let me suggest something to you when your friend comes up to you and says let's not screw this thing up keep it simple he's not telling you, he's nicht giving you a compliment y'all understand that don't you he sees something in you but of course Bill was like me, he was from Manhattan you know, he wanted people to like him he went up to Henrietta Seibling he said maybe we shouldn't talk so much about God and the lady said you know Bill God's the only reason you're alive he said he's the only person in your life if you don't talk about God and tell people what God has done for you you might as well be like the Rotary Club or the Kiwanis Club or something like that and say finally Bill agreed you know and so the AAI I come from in the States I got to tell you something we've got a lot of spiritual agnostics and spiritual atheists they talk about everything except God they don't want to do too much about the God because it might scare away the newcomers I don't know where they're going but scare them somewhere you scare them somewhere until they come and get serious I guess, I don't know not me, I won't do that I won' hand out watered down chemo therapy because I have a big book I know what my big book says you may not like what it says it says we never apologize for God instead we let him demonstrate in our lives what he has done for us you know what I mean? it says all men of faith have courage they trust their God they never apologize to God instead we allow him to demonstrate through our testimony what he's done for use at once we begin to outgrow fear one day I started believing this stuff not because I wanted to believe it but because I want to be in charge and I don't want to believe any of this stuff but the bottom line is I went through a lot of pain and I ran into my Bob Smiths my Dr. Bob's in AA all my sponsors were Dr. Bobs but my third sponsor, wow John Glenn, he used to call himself Future Astronaut he said my bags are packed I'm ready to go one time I'm sitting down with John in a restaurant and I start eating he says what are you doing he sponsored me for about 20 years I said what are You doing I said I'm eating He says You can't eat We have to give thanks So we get in a crowded restaurant He says We got to give Thanks He bowed his head And I bowed my head And he started giving one of these prayers Long Baptist prayer He was a preacher You know what I'm doing and I'm like whatever 15 years, 20 years I'm looking around out of the corner of my eye to see if anybody's looking at me because I'm worried about what they're going to think about me and then he finishes and he looks at me and says Russ now the food will taste better because it's got that special ingredient you want your life to taste better because you want it to have that special ingredients you hang around guys with John Glenn the man and woman you'll be in the next five years will depend upon people you'd hang out with and the books you read and so we come in on the big funnel on the broad highway and then all of a sudden we get to this part in the last page and they say, of course they say the same thing throughout the entire book but people don't notice it he says, but we're not going to know you Bill we're nicht going to tell you Bob or anything like that he says well you can't be sure about that God's got to determine that so your real reliance has to be on him he says he will show you how to create the fellowship you crave and here's my theory on this because I'm a wordsmith I think if God is the one you have to rely on and he's going to show you How To Create The Fellowship You Crave he probably wants you to get involved with godly fellowship people that are in our shame to talk about God what would that be like? And then it says something like this. He says, we'll meet some of you in the fellowship of the Spirit. Capital F, capital S. Not the fellowship of the problem. Not the fellowship of alcoholism or the drinking, not the drinking fellowship. The fellowship of the spirit, which apparently is a different fellowship. Different quality. That fellowship, it's more than a desire to drink. And I have a book and it says about atheism and agnosticism. It says this sort of thinking must be abandoned. What does your book say? Does your book says this thought of thinking must be abandoned? That's what it says. It must be abandoned. A guy stands up at 8 a.m. and he says, I'm an atheist. I'm not believing everything. Nobody says anything. One guy says the word God and 15 people with 15 years to send upon him. He says, you'll hurt people. You can stand up and say you're an atheist and announce it all over the place and you can do the steps of being an atheist, which is completely antithetical to the age system, but you mention God and you forget it. So, but anyway, I digress. Just a little something to think about. I'm probably wrong. It's crazy to get upset about what I say. When I go back to my mind, I'm going to probably change my mind. So I'll be done. But you know what they say, whenever you're disturbed no matter what the cause is, there's something wrong with you. You need to examine that. All I know is when I started proclaiming God, it's one thing to say I believe in God. You know what it says in the seventh step? It says you can have an earnest religious belief and it remains barren, barren because he's not the centerpiece of your life because you say you believe in God but you really don't believe in god because your life isn't centered upon god. In the good old days they used to call that lordship. It's about the only thing you think about is god and if you really believe that he lives in your heart and mind in ways indeed miraculous, if you believe he's doing for you what you can't do for yourself, if you burn the idea into an alcoholic's mind that he can get sober no matter what as long as he trusts in God. If you really believe that stuff, and you're not just one alcoholic bullshit artist that's been bullshitting yourself, if you believe that shit, if you don't believe that kind of stuff, then you'll talk about it. But if you're worried about what other people think about it when you talk about is, then be prepared to understand that you will never, ever, ever in your entire life lose fear of what other People think about you. And you'll always be talking to yourself about what a loser you are. because your idea of who you are and what you are resides in what you think other people think about you. So you'll always spend money buying crap you don't need to impress people you don' like, and you'll be worried about what you sound like and what your thinking about because you've never really done the drastic thing because you're giving your heart and your mind to other people instead of God. That's just a little something. I could be wrong about this. Don't get upset about this stuff. just throwing out some stuff, you know, that you're not going to hear in AA. It's all about the big book, it's all next frontier emotional sobriety. It is there just in case there are some men or some women in here that want to separate themselves from the boys and really live life and build a new freedom because the new freedom is freedom from fear of people. You know why I talk like this at AA meetings? You know, why? Because I can. You know I can Because I'm not going to walk out of you worrying about what you think about me. And you know when that happened to me? When I started proclaiming God instead of just saying I believe in him. He goes, if you believe on him, you know what Bill Wilson said in Alcoholics Anonymous number three? He said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I've got to keep talking about him and telling other people. You know what bill Wilson said in the big book of Alcoholics anonymous in Alcoholic Anonymous? Number three, he said, the Lord's been so helpful to me curing my of this trouble disease I've gotta keep talking about it and telling other people. Apparently nobody was around to say, you're scaring away the newcomers. Because they had some conference 15 years later and the guy with the longest time was Bill Wilson. He had 23 years. They put down some rules and they're probably all great. I mean, I'm not putting down traditions and everything like that, but you know something, the conference isn't the God of my understanding. Neither is A, neither is the fellowship, neither is you, neither there is any human being. Because there is one who has all power and that one is God. Now you find him now. And I think, what do you mean now? I think you've got to find him right now. Find him now! And he has all power. He's not a higher power. I don't want a higher tower. I mean, a good-looking blonde is a higher powe r to me. Money is a higher power to me! You know, I need the highest power or else all those higher powers will get me, those worldly clamors. But maybe that's my alcoholism. I probably have a... You know you guys don't get bothered by that stuff. I just have a worse form of the disease. So let me read something out the book and then I'll say a couple of things about my life. I'm supposed to share about myself. Well, I did share about myself, but you know, I was talking about myself now. This is the way I am now, okay? I was not talking about myself for three months. I couldn't give this talk for three months. So there's a word called drastic. Let me read you the definition of drastic. You've heard the word drastic right likely to have a strong or far-reaching effect radical and extreme you know there are things in the big book that they suggest we we do that people don't do it you know why because they find it drastic it's true there may be things that you've been told sometimes my sponsor said you go to me every day i said man that's pretty drastic he said you get on your knees every day he says you pray to god for help to stay sober and he didn't even ask I said, man, that's pretty drastic. A lot of drastic stuff. They said stay away from slippery places and slippery people. I said man, that's a lot of stuff. That's pretty drastic. I mean, he was telling me to do all sorts of things and then when he was done with me the next sponsor took over even more drastic and more drastic thing. He says we encourage church membership. Most of us belong to churches. You know what it says? It says we never apologize. What does it say about the religion? He says we lose all prejudice. Does it say we lose some prejudice? we lose all prejudice even against organized religion somebody starts putting down religion where I'm sitting as far as I'm concerned he's not sober I don't care if he was beaten by a priest or what the hell he went through all he's telling me is he's still harboring a resentment against religion it's just a resentment because I go with the big book and the big books says we lose all prejudice even when we begin to see where people are right that's what it says to me, I don't know what it says to you but of course I'm like a wordsmith sometimes I'm some goofy lawyers I'm a goofy lawyer but I know what the words mean you'd be surprised how you could read that big book all the way through and miss 90% of it the stuff that you don't think will apply to me or is a little bit too drastic for somebody else because we're alcoholics, we make up shit we just make up stuff so you heard the word drastic so let me read you from page 42 something you've never read before I'm going to read you a paragraph you've never read before. Anybody ever read the big book? I'm gonna read you a paragraph he's never read the book. That's probably not true. You'll say, I read that paragraph. No, you never really read it. Because if you had read this paragraph, you'd already be standing and saying amen. You know what I mean? You didn't read this paragraph. You want me to read it? Yes. This is page 42. It's conference approved. By the way, you do know there's no conference disapproved. Did you know that? There's no conference disapprove. They don't disapprove anything. You know, we're free to read stuff and do stuff. You know what they found absolutely necessary, what they were reading and doing. Rarely have I seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed their path. You ought to look and see what their path was. And you know between 1935 and 1940 they said rarely have I see a person fail who thoroughly followed our path. That was in 1939, sorry 1935 their path did not include reading the big book didn't include reading 12 and 12 if i have to explain that to you i mean that's gonna take a lot longer you know what i mean they're reading first corinthians 13 the book of james and uh sermon on the mount did you know that the first meeting of alcoholics anonymous was dr bob putting his foot on the rung of the dining room chair and reading the whole sermon on them out in matthew 5 6 and 7 did you known that yeah well they haven't yet disapproved those books. You know what is approved? Things that are published by AA. I'm not putting it down, but it's things they make money off of that stuff. You know, when I came up, everybody for the 20 years before that was reading the 24-hour book, which is what I read, which was a combination of the big book and the Holy Bible. It was incredible. I still read it. It's unbelievable. you know what happened? they stopped selling them at meets and everything like that because they said it wasn't conference approved because Hazleton bought up the rights and they were making money they didn't want to see Hazleton make money I'm not ascribing hey, I'm just talking I'm trying to disturb you don't let it disturb you I'm disturbed good good for you, sweetie hey calm down, I am not done I'm not finished with you okay this is page 42 then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully though I had been only a nominal churchman their proposals were not intellectually hard to swallow but the program of action though entirely sensible was pretty drastic it meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out the window that was not easy but the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcohol condition was relieved as in fact it proved to be. Drastic. So sometimes I have a guy come to me, he's got 20 years, he drank. He said, I'm going to get it now. I'm really going to do a fourth step. I're really going do all that stuff. I said, that's great. But you did all that stuff. He says, yeah, and you drank. I say, well, I am not saying you shouldn't do that stuff but why don't we do this? Why don't you do all of that stuff but concentrate on the stuff you didn't do because you thought it was too drastic. Instead of you telling me what you ought to do and telling me everything you did do that you're confident with, why don't we talk about the stuff we didn't do that we thought was drastic? Why don't we talk about that stuff? So real quickly, I don't even know how much time I have. It's going to take 10, 15, 20 minutes, whatever it is. Here's the deal. Just a couple a couple of stories, a couple days' stories. Can you imagine how many stories? I walked in there and had no stories. My story was it's not my fault, I'm not to blame, some other guy did it. I know you think I'm an alcoholic because of the way I drink but if you knew my problems, you'd know why I drink. I drink because I have problems and one day my problems will go away and I won't have to drink. As a matter of fact, drinking perfectly matches my problem. One day my problems would go away, and I wouldn't have drink anymore so thank you for your advice but why don't you go screw yourself. If you wanted to talk me about my drinking, I want to talk to you like a mother. You know what I mean? You're going to talk me about drinking but, you know, I drank from the noble art of getting bombed. So here's the deal. So I'm in class and I'm studying to be, I wanted to be a, I studied all my life to be math professor. I was going to go for my PhD in algebraic topology and I can't add two plus two now. Believe me, I'm gone. And I'm in class one day and some gal walks in and I look at her and I say, man, if I had that gal, I'd be okay. Because I'm an alcoholic. If only you're a yes-butter. If I only had this, if only had the car, if I only have the house, if i only had this, if I'd only had that, I'll be okay." And I believe that. So I just fight to get that thing and then I get that day and it would be okay for like three weeks and then if only I had this or if I've only had that. I didn't realize that every time I woke up and I said, if we only had this, I would be ok. What I'm really saying to myself is I'm not okay because I don't have this. You're constantly of a life knowing you're okay, you're a loser, you know what I mean? Always worried about that people might realize you're the one who's going to lose you. You're a looser. And how you can make them think that you're not a loser by the way you dress. One day, I'm going to tell you this story, I realized I'm Not My Shoe. I walked into a conference one day and I was wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe because when you get old, shit like that happens. You know what i mean? And I started thinking, I'm wearing one white shoe and brown shoe I'm supposed to talk before a group. I'm wearing two different color shoes and maybe I can run home and get a shoe. Maybe I can go there and do something like that and get another shoe and everything like that and I'll spend $100 I can get the Macy's get a show and everything like that I can make it back to the talk and then all of a sudden a thought came to me you're not your shoes you're not your car you're not your shoes you're not your suit you're not anything and so I did the talk and they recorded it and they put a name on it. You know what they called it? I'm not my shoes. It became an experience. It became, it became a story. I walked in with that story and after every day I got three or four, every week I had, I had thousands of stories and I get to come to these meetings I get tell four, you know. So I say if only I had that girl I'd be okay. And so I found out she came from a, her father was a doctor, mother was a lawyer, grandfather was a doc, lawyer or something like that so I said all of a sudden it occurred to me so I tried to insinuate myself into her life because you know like I wanted what she had, I was willing to go to any length to get it and I was ready to do it so I said maybe I ought to be a doctor. I ran down to the law school, they said oh yeah you got credentials they said I could go for a doctor but I had all chemistry, mathematics and physics but I have no biology so I have to go back for a year. Well I'm an alcoholic, I ain't going back. I'm going forward so I sent lawyers just as good as the doctors so I could get him a lawyer. I married that girl, and she was a nice gal. Nothing wrong with the wife, nothing wrong with her and everything like that, and everything was great. We had a kid, lived in a house on Land Beach on the golf course, everything. I became a division chief in the state's attorney's office trying murder cases, and it was great for me. And everything was wonderful for about five months, and then I started hanging around the Alibi Lounge, which I helped name. I never cheated on my wife. I just sat there in the back of the room looking at the blondes, brunettes, and redhead and said, if only I wasn't married, I could have that one. If only I wasn't married, I could've had that one." So I just cheated in my mind and I'd show up every night at 2 o'clock in the morning while she was home with the baby. And I just did that for two or three years, four years. Just thought about cheating on my wife but not really cheating on her which is like cheating on her, quite frankly. But, and that's what I did. And then one day I got up and I was wearing a blue suit like, I was in a blue suite, I Was wearing a white shirt, I think a red tie though. and I was as sober as I am right now physically sober and my wife looked at me and says I just want you to know if you come home drunk one more time I'm leaving you and when she said that it wasn't like she wanted to start a fight she was like delivering the mail apparently that's what she said and you know this line in the book unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences sobriety will be precarious and true happiness will find none at all and everybody talks about alcoholism like it's the drinking but the alcoholism is what goes on in your mind after you stop drinking. And one of the things that alcoholics don't know is the consequence of their alcoholism. There are consequences to being an alcoholic. And I'll tell you one consequence that I realize now, looking back. So my wife says, You come home drunk one more time. I am leaving you. You come homedrunk one more time. I am leaving you was like 11 well it was actually if you come home drunk so it's 12 so i drive three blocks i stop at a light and this is what i say this is when i said graduate department of mathematics national science foundation fellow you know trying major crimes murder cases everything this is What the hell do you mean by that so here's the consequence of my alcohol whenever an alcoholic hears something is told something to read something he doesn't like it confuses them sometimes it makes a man you understand so i was confused so i stopped into the bar at 4 30 have one drink a double scotch i was only on two but i didn't realize that they gave me a double sky drank it fast whack 430 now it's 430 in 10 seconds you know and doug my drinking buddy comes up to me puts his arm around me he says and i say he said ross good to see you doug i gotta leave my wife told me if i come home drunk one more time she's leaving me and dugg says this Russ, she's never going to leave you You're the greatest guy in the world Everybody loves you She loves you We all love you You're a great guy She will never leave you And I say Man, that's exactly what I was thinking Yeah, you don't know what it's like You're laughing, you know That's exactly what I was thinking. By the way, that's most alcoholics' god of their understanding. That's the god I want. And I got that god. I got you, I love you, the greatest, everything like that, but with an attitude. I got THAT god with an ATTITUDE. Sometimes he whacks me on the back. He's like a Johnny Harris god. He says, I don't know what fellowship you're in, but I'm an alcoholic. He always gives you a shot. He always tells you, he lets you know when you're off base and when you are acting unacceptably. He's not scared to hurt you. He's scared to let you have a lot of pain. He's no scared of the spanking, let me tell you, not doing that. He'd rather spank you than have you go off the rails and then all of a sudden you find out that broad highway is actually getting narrower and narrow and it's a narrow road and few find it. And the broad highway actually leads to death between 20 and 40 years, and the narrow road actually leads to life, and all of a sudden I take this narrow, narrow road with guardrails on how I act and how I think and what I say, but here's the crazy thing. But I feel incredibly free! I have this new freedom on this narrow road! I can't explain that, I'm just telling you what happened. And so I went home drunk, got home drunk at 4 o'clock she kicked me out of the house I went to see Doug I had to go live with him, I said what are you doing here? He says I'm going to live with you he says what do you mean? She kicked me outta the house no that's not possible he called her and said yeah he's outta here and that was the end of my marriage it gets better so as the divorce is going through and I got the house and the divorce I got a little baby and everything like that nobody in the bar ever came up to me and says Russell you're 28 years old, you've got a wife you've still got a little baby at home what the hell are you doing in a bar at 10 o'clock at night drinking looking at the gals why aren't you home with your wife nobody ever talked that way to me in the bar nobody like that nobody spanked me I spankged other people I put people in jail I did a lot of things because I'm an arrogant nasty self-serving selfish full of crap think I'm better than anybody else alcoholic you know and so in any event we went to a marriage counselor she wanted to go to a match counselor because she believed in whatever that thing you take till death do us part and she was like that crap seriously so we went to the psychiatrist and I've already got a date that night with a red head he's asking questions He says, well, how would you like Russell? What are the three things you'd like to change in Russell? And she probably mentioned drinking or coming home for dinner. I don't know. I was thinking, I can't believe this. I'm finally getting out of this marriage and now they're pulling me back in like Godfather 3. And then he turns to me and he says, what do you want? Two out of three things. You want to change your wife? And I look and I say to him without even thinking, I say, I just want to date other women. and that was the end of the session I didn't even think about it I didn'y care about it it wasn't until years after I was sober I started thinking what effect did that have now I made my amends to my first wife she got remarried and I raised my son all that sort of stuff but I'm not one of these guys that say I don't regret my past I regret the way I treated her I regret the way I treated the in-laws. I regret all that stuff. And I've decided that that's a good thing. God gave me a good think, because I don't know what kind of person you'd be if you didn't regret that. And the reason I did that is because that shows you what a bum I was. I was a bum in a three-piece suit. It shows you with a selfish... I want to remember that that is what I did because I want remember that without God in my life, that's the kind of a person I am. You see a lot of people in A&C, they say I'm spiritual, not religious. I don't know why they say that here in Miami, I'm spiritual not religious I'm going to tell you something I used to say that, I used believe that I'm spiritually not religious I've somehow evolved I'm just even better than religious people they need religions I've evolved into some sort of spiritual entity where I just naturally plug into God and I act like God liked I just do good orderly direction all the time and the next right thing it says in the big book it says if a mere code of morals and a better philosophy of life would have helped us, we'd be sober a long time ago but they didn't help us. Lack of power was our dilemma. We had to find a power and therefore of course we have to talk about God which they don't today. It means we haveと talk about God and then this is what they say. It says here with alcoholics is where the problem begins. So when you have an alcoholic that is upset about God what they don'T realize is that is part of the dis-ease If you want to describe alcoholism? It's a lack of wanting to conform yourself and transform yourself into the person God wants you to be. When somebody says, and get bought by the God thing, just run away from them because they're not sober. I just said that to piss you off. I just like saying stuff like that. But you know what happens when you piss people off? You see, I'll walk out of here and I'll remember the group, have a good time and everything, but you'll never forget that. Because it bothers you. And then one day, if you stay sober, you'll start thinking, well maybe he wasn't so crazy about that stuff. Maybe you'll have a change of mind. You never know. And so I finally ultimately would get divorced and then I drank myself and I'd get drunk and on December 25th, 1981 at 1980 at 3 o'clock in the morning, I got kicked out of a No J Winner, some girl. All I needed was a guy. I think my other addiction is I used to sit in A reading I'd say to my sponsor, I said, look at that blonde in the front row. My whole life look at that blonde in the front row and my sponsor said he said russ what'd you use to drink i said scotch he says what kind of scotch chain b he said do you see that blood in the front row he says yeah he says for you thank you sir he says for you that's a bottle of scotch with legs and i started chuckling like a nervous chuckle but then when i looked at her again she had this like bottle green bottle god if i didn't get married in a year And I'd have big trouble, you know what I mean? And so that's the deal. So in any event, on December 25th, 1980, I thought my life was over. It was never going to get better again. I looked in the mirror. Who am I kidding? You know, I knew I couldn't stop drinking. You know? I went through the whole bit, you know? And, you know, my whole life was, you know, I'd get up in the morning and say, I'm not going to drink today. By 5 o'clock, I'd be drunk. I'm not going to buy booze today. By 5 o' clock, I'm buying a quart bottle of Colossal Rossi Chianti and sitting by my record player playing the same record over and over again, my Alki songs like Only the Lonely, I Miss the Blue Rainy Days and Mondays, whatever it is anything that can make me I'm a self-pityaholic just going through that thinking about my funeral oh it was a grand funeral the coffin was there I was there you gotta have an imagination if you're an alcoholic I'm playing this song, Only the lonely all them bitches were around that coffin, you know what I mean all the ones that ripped my heart out and treated me bad, and they were feeling, they were crying because of the way they treated me as well as they should have been, quite frankly. Now don't get all upset because I wasn't really dead, I was hiding behind the tree. You know what I mean? You guys don't understand, you don't know what it's like, but I mean it was a pretty bad deal. But anyway, so I came, he said if you want to change your life, he says you give your life to Jesus. He said get down here, I got out of my seat like a shot. I said the sinner's prayer gave my life to Jesus, which is not a big deal to you, but for a Jewish kid from New York, let me tell you something that was a big deal you had to be there you know my sponsor said don't rob an alcohol it was the last trade never rob an alcoholic was desperation that's just my story doesn't have to be your story i come day and got a sponsor i was supposed to be sponsored by albert einstein or jesus christ they weren't available it wasn't my fault i had two neurons working they were waving goodbye to each other you know what i mean it was i wasn't doing well so they gave me a used car salesman from chicago his name was bob sullivan he sponsored me i got a lot of bob sullen stores I get stories from every sponsor I ever had one time he's in my office and I say I look at my office they got like 40 diplomas on the wall I mean literally like 40 diploma I said Bob these are my degrees and he looks at me and he says well you know Russ rectal thermometers have degrees you know what they do with those laughter wow great with these guys you know I was broke I was three, four months, five months, six months over. I was broke. I didn't have any money. I was worried about what would people do. I'm not going to tell my group. Not that I care what they think about me, but I'm not going tell them the big shot lawyer is broke. And I didn' know what to do, but I couldn't go to sleep at night. I'm waking up at 3 o'clock in the morning. What's going to happen to me? What's it going to know? What if anybody finds out? And I finally felt like I had to tell my sponsor. He said, my sponsor may be giving me a couple thousand dollars or something like that. So I told my sponsor, I said, I don't have any money, I haven't paid the rent, I don' know if it's going happened he said he says i can fix that i said really he says absolutely i know the answer i can fix i said well great i'm ready to receive the filthy lucre you know and he says uh i think it's about time you started making coffee for the group and i said i don't think i really explained myself i'm not sure i really explain myself well enough to this guy he says I mean, hey, it's great, but I'm talking money. It's not important. It's just right up there with oxygen. But he said, follow me. When you think about it, when I think back on it, that was a major thing. Most people would say, I'm firing this guy. He doesn't understand me or something like that. I followed him to the coffee bar. He shows me how to make the coffee, how to set up the chairs and everything for this crazy group. The next day, no money came in. I was very depressed because alcoholics don't get depressed. They go straight to very depressed. Suicidal. I didn't want to go to the meeting. No money had come in. But I had to go because I had to make the damn coffee. The interesting thing, and now this is spiritual jujitsu, my fear of what other people would think about me, which like to kill me out on the street, save my ass in Alcoholics Anonymous because I went that meeting to make a drink and make the goddamn coffee but I didn't want to make there because I was worried about what people would think of me if I didn' t show up to make their coffee. So he's like, screw me up. You know what I mean? I made the coffee for 18 months so I go to the coffee and make their cofee. Three months later the money comes in. There's no problem with the money. Some guy comes up to me. He literally comes up and says, you know, I'll make the coffee for the group. I said, I'm the coffee maker! Who the hell appointed you? I'm making the coffee with this group, you now? I'm just going to tell two more stories and that's it. I think I've been off here long enough. But so when I was about I don't even know how long I was sober. Maybe ten years. I hit a rough patch of 10 years. I had some problems. I was doing everything. I got to tell you, today I go to three meetings a day, which is easy. I go to 7 a.m. meeting on Zoom from people all over the world. I know them all. I love them all." I go at 12 o'clock men's meeting. They're all God-centered. All of them are God- centered. You can talk about God and nobody's going to roll their eyes or anything like that. And I go for 4 o' clock meetings, same thing. But the point is, I was going to three meetings a day even before all that. On my way to work, I'd go to a meeting early in the morning and then I'd go at 9 o'clock and then go to 12 o' clock lunch meeting and then I'd on the way home at 5.30 meeting. So I was doing that stuff all the time. And there's a whole story how I ended up doing that stuff and everything. My sponsor told me once, he said, you know, Russ, you go to meetings, you feel good. You don't go to meetings, don't feel so good. I said, what? He says, you got to meetings you feel good, you don't to meetings you don''t feel so good. I said I understand. What does that mean? Go to me. Finally, after five years, I got it. Wait a second. You go to meetings, you feel good. So I go to a lot of meetings. I sponsor a bunch of people. I do a lot stuff. So it's not a big deal. It's just something I have to do. Put God first. Because I have a new employer with the capital E and what he wants to do is he wants to carry this message. That's what he want to do, be his witness and carry his message. And that's it. That's my job. That's the only job I have. It's an easy job. I don't have to go fishing or anything like that. That' s my job I did all the other stuff. Traveled all over the world. did all that stuff, never kept me sober and didn't make me happy. It's the kind of stuff that I care about. But anyway, I got into a rough situation. It'll happen. If it hasn't happened to you, just stick around. There are people that get 15... There are reasons why people drink after 15 or 20 years or 10 years or 5 years. If somebody hasn't had a drink in 5 years and is going to meetings and all of a sudden they drink, They're not drinking because things were going well. It's drinking because they haven't dealt with what I'm talking about. They haven't done with what I'm taking about. Emotional sobriety, okay? It's not because all of a sudden they crave alcohol. What happens is they want to kill themselves. They've gone insane again. They hate their lives. They hate themselves. They hate everything around them. They don't see any hope. They're talking about the stuff I'm talking about, you see? Nobody here is going to get drunk unless they're not doing the stuff. The stuff I talk about is the important stuff. It's what AA is all about. what's the big book is all about. But Bill Wilson was right in saying, I got it all wrong. I missed a point. It's all about God. God is everything or he's nothing. I thought they were joking about that stuff. No, they weren't joking about that stuff you can do every step in the world 15 times over every fourth step. You know, the bomb ladies will be sucking on the muzzle of your mind if you don't get that thing at the end of the deal. So at least that's my opinion. It's just an opinion. You know what I mean? So some guy said to me, he says, you know, Russ, I told him the whole story. He says, he wasn't even in AA. You ought to go to my Bible study. I said, no, no. You don't understand. I'm spiritual, not religious. We don't approve of Bible study. Besides, I'm a Jewish kid. I forgot that I gave my life to the Lord and all that sort of stuff. So somehow, someway, because I was hurting, because I was hurt and I went to Bible study, I've been doing that for like 35 years. Two, three, four Bible studies. We joined that church, became a deacon, started a ministry called the Lobby Gang Ministries. And we do meetings. We do all sorts of stuff and things like that. And that's what I do. That's my deal. I met my third sponsor, John Glenn, the Baptist preacher. He had 55 years of sobriety. The guy always said, now it'll have a special ingredient. You know, you hang around those guys for 20 years, you see what happens. They introduce you to other guys, you know? Other guys, you know, the person, you're not going to get the things that you really want to have unless you're willing to do the thing. You're not getting the things that most people don't have unless you want to do things that most People won't do. And you'll find out when you start doing things that most people won't do. You'll open up a big book one day and you'll say, this is the stuff they're talking about in AA. They're talking to us and we're talking about this stuff. This stuff that Bill Wilson, this is what Dr. Bob was talking about. This is what they were doing between 1935 and 1939. So just, I'm going to end it. Five minutes. Okay, well, this is fast because I promised I was going to say the steamer story. The steamer storey? I'll hold her down. Well, one real fast thing. So I went, that's my lovely wife. She controls me. She's my handler. You know what I mean? And she's beautiful. She's gorgeous. I got the best wife in the world. She's absolutely fantastic. But one time we had an argument and I went up to my sponsor, Joe Snyder, and I said, I'm getting a divorce. It's over. I didn't sign up for this stuff. She had like done something like, I don't know, she disrespected me or something. She did something that was terrible, you know how she is. And I went up to we don't have to go any further and I went over and he says, I'm getting a divorce and I told him the whole story in 20 minutes, told him everything she said, because I'll tell you one thing if you're an alcoholic, the one thing you know is you know why you're upset and you know what upsets you and you can do a whole meeting on what upsents you and I gave him chapter and verse every detail and then he looked at me and he said this. And I got like 10, 15, I don't know what I had. He looks at me and he says so why are you upset? So I said what do you mean? He says why are YOU upset? I said I just spent 20 minutes telling you why I'm upset. He says well that's not why you're upset. I said what do you mean that's NOT why? I just spent 20 minutes telling YOU why I'M UPSET. I know why I'M upset. It's been 20 minutes. He says, that's not why you're upset. I said, you mean she's upset? He says that's why you are upset. I said you mean, she said that's not why your upset. I said Russell, that is not why you are set. I looked at him. I said that is not why are you upset. With that sort of look like he knew why I was upset. So I looked him and I said do you know why I'm upset? He said, absolutely. I know why you're upset. I said, you don't know why I'm upset? He said absolutely. It's so clear. I said well are you going to tell me why I am upset? He said I don't know. Do you really want to know? I said of course I want to know. Why am I upset? He said listen stupid. That's exactly what he said. He said listen stupid you're upset because you're upset-able. I said, what is this? Like, Zen AA? What is this upset because I'm upset-ible? And my sponsors come up to me and they tell me this whole story and I said you sound upset. They know what's coming. You're upset because you're upset about and he was right and my wife sometimes does the same thing once in a while she's perfect but she does the same thing what's a while but doesn't it doesn't bother me like it used to bother me I'm not upset about most of the time so here's the last story and I tell this story because this is this is what you go through this is you know you ever heard of restraining the tongue and pen and changing and transforming, not being conformed to what I'm being transformed. So I'm going to tell you a little true story of what happened when I, you know, just a few of this just happened four months ago. You know? And so I'm just telling you that we're going to end it with this true story. You know. And we have, you Know, four kids and they're all adults now and everything. So we get these packages delivered. I don't know if you guys have Amazon here. We get these passages delivered every day from Amazon. They just come in. I don't even think we order them. They just send it to us. You're just coming in. Send them a package. It's the spatsman. Send them the package. I come out in the room and I see my wife taking from the outside this big, huge, big, big package. Crate. And moving into the room and I say, I see it says industrial strength steamer. What was that? Steamer or A pressure cooker, a pressure cleaner, or something like that. Big old thing. And I think in my mind, I'm immediately going, that's $300 to $500. There's no question. That's over three, under five, I would say. I'm thinking money. The brain's going off, you know? I'm figuring out, that's cute, a press cleaner. And then I see her walking outside, and she brings in another exactly the same package, sets it down and it's the exact same pressure cleaner it's another like three or four hundred dollars and so I look at her and I say you ever heard of the 10 step what is it, restraint of tongue and pain I say oh you got two this is my life folks as you're laughing at the tragedy that is my life, this is I know none of you men would ever do this but I say oh you got two and she said yes and so I say don't get ahead of me now I say why did you get two? And she says because I wanted two. Now I'm about to ask the next question which any self-respecting man would ask the question that you would ask you know and I'm about to ask that question and a voice comes to me the voice of God Holy Spirit he says Russell you have just received the best answer you're ever going to get from this woman you ain't going to get a better answer than that so I say oh then I walk away I walk away because it's not bothering me like it used to bother me so I don't get into fights over that so three days later as God is my witness on Saturday morning because I have a workshop Saturday morning, it's on Zoom we've got people from all over the world a ton of people and we have a workshop but I also have guys over and then afterwards we make breakfast and everything, we have an whole to-do about it we have great workshop for about two hours two and a half hours and a lot of it had to do with this kind of stuff we're talking about and uh i walk outside we have it outside you know by the pool and and uh I see my wife there with a pressure cooker a pressure cleaner whatever it is and it's not working yeah it's now working so I say what happened she goes the pressure cleaner stopped working. So I say, I say we'll get the other pressure cleaner and she says I knew you would never let that go. I knew it and for your information she had been carrying that hand grenade around in her box and for my cousin it wasn't from me big shot you know she had been carrying that sucker around for like three days looking to throw it you know yeah sure the ladies know what i'm talking about they know it's a true story absolutely true you know and uh so god bless you thank you very much