Queens Big Book Study – Part 4 – Gary B. – 2008

And I finally hit that place where I called a man I knew in Chicago who at that time would have been, what, going on 40 years sober.
And I respected him a lot, and I always tried to avoid him because he always pinned you down to the truth, and I couldn't handle that.
And I called him, and I asked him if there was any possibility that a 47-year-old grandfather with 20 years of sobriety could be going through male menopause.
And he said, well, maybe.
He says, but why don't you go review your steps, write an inventory, and come up here and take some fifth steps.
And so I said, okay, I'll do anything you tell me to do.
And I was as serious about that as I'd ever been in my life.
I think I was more serious about that than I was the first time I went through the steps.
And so this time I know more about writing inventory.
And I went home.
In this inventory, I had a resentment list that was all current stuff.
There was no rehash resentments in there.
Those had been dealt with and removed.
The fear list was all current.
Current stuff.
And then I wrote the conduct inventory, and I went as far back in my life as I could remember.
And I rehashed some of the old stuff that I had covered, and I found lots of new stuff.
And did everything I could do with it.
And that inventory pretty much followed what you guys here today.
It was a four-column inventory.
And I learned a whole lot about going on about what was going on with my life.
And my self-esteem had nothing to do with having a high self-esteem or a low self-esteem.
It just had to do with my self-esteem.
Who did I think I was?
What was I doing here?
Who was I trying to be?
And I looked hard for those answers in the third column.
And, of course, I went down that as much as I could.
What I had to do in that inventory was different from what we had been teaching.
And because I couldn't follow it the way we were teaching it.
We were teaching people to go ahead and just write the first column.
And then go back and write all the second columns.
And I'd get lost there, particularly when we go to the third column.
So I'll write a first column list because it's fresh and you're still smarting.
And you do that.
But when I go back, I'm going across the page.
I do second.
Second.
Then third.
And then fourth on that resentment.
And because that way I can follow it.
Now, if you follow it the other way, that's fine.
I'm not arguing with that.
And many people seem to be able to do that.
But I can find where my self-esteem is.
I can find out where I'm selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid.
Where was I to blame for my mistakes?
And I can look at it in that issue and that issue alone.
And I do that because I don't want to confuse it with the other resentments.
There might be something different.
Very seldom is.
You understand?
Generally, if I'm a pig here, I'm a pig there.
But just sharing that.
That's how I write inventory when I do it.
I still write my 10th step inventory.
I can't find in the book where it tells me not to write inventory.
So on that page 60, how is she?
That was a dig, Nicky.
Or anybody else who wants to take it.
I just thought I'd share that.
I went to it as completely as I could.
And it was another.
This one took me longer than overnight.
And I think it was because I stated earlier I had never renamed them.
I think it was because I had never named them.
And I don't believe I did there.
Because my prayer to him then is, man, I've got to get back on track.
And I can't do this by myself.
And that was pretty it.
I hope you're going to go into better detail with the inventory if you want to.
But I.
Or you.
But I.
It's easier that way.
Yeah.
I've.
I have no idea how many inventories I've written.
There's four or five or six or seven folded up little inventories I've written.
And probably in 10-step fashion, if you will.
They weren't the big pieces of inventory, but just a few here and there.
And I've written it every time.
I've gotten help from it over time.
Some people write inventory every year.
I go through the book every year and do that.
I can't wait that long myself.
I'm generally in some kind of due to.
I do review myself with the steps regularly.
But I don't have a set time.
If I feel like maybe I'm out in the weeds again, it's a good time to sit down and do that.
And I don't have to wait until June or whatever.
Inventory has been a wonderful tool for me.
And it keeps me going.
But it's a long way between being.
And the primary thing of the 12 steps.
It's critical we do it.
And it was really critical that I do it and continue to do it.
Because I don't make it from one day to the next without knowing I'm clear.
And probably not the stickler, mechanically, of writing inventory as some of the other ones are.
That the column's got to be just so.
And we've got to ask ourselves the questions.
There's a way to go.
Along with that.
And that wasn't my experience when I did it.
And then I learned about it.
I've tried it.
And find a lot of it redundant.
And haven't done it.
Whatever's working for you is fine for me.
I think it's pretty clear you do your very best to keep it in the four columns.
Because that keeps it organized.
I wrote a little inventory the other morning about that.
There was two hot ones.
Right there.
And that's exactly how I did it.
I put one there.
And I put one down there.
And I left plenty of room between them as I went across the page on the first one.
And they were very similar.
I mean, they probably were, if I was looking at the third column, they just didn't respect me the way they ought to.
I was self-seeking.
I wanted their respect and their love and consideration.
Didn't matter whether I was giving them any or not.
I just wanted theirs.
And so I learned a lot from it.
And it's worthwhile.
I've done it a lot.
And I probably think of it in a, probably have lost some of the ability to teach somebody how to write inventory.
Because it is so clear to me.
I no longer need to open a book.
And I can show you all the examples.
And I can show you all the little notes I've thrown in my examples I have at home.
And all that's clear.
And I can write it out and follow the format the way I want to see it.
And that.
But God, it's just such a wonderful tool.
And I wouldn't have lived this long without it, I know.
Julie would have killed me.
She's nodding her head.
She's, she's, she's.
Okay.
I'm going to, I'm going to leave the, you know, the, the rubrics of doing inventory to these guys.
Because I do it exactly the same way.
And have always done it through the big book.
It, it, my, my brain will create a novel if I let it.
And this is such a succinct way of getting to the real problem.
There are two things I wanted to talk about.
The first one was that when I got with my sponsor, the first time she was very frustrated with me.
Because like I was telling you, I, I had, I had.
Said I, I have no right to have a want, and I have no right to have a resentment.
And so, you know, she was trying to get me to write resentment inventory, and I had no resentments.
And was not angry with anybody, was, you know, whatever.
And so, she was, she was wise, and she said, okay, well, we'll do it a little differently for you.
She said, I want you to take snapshots of your work.
Okay.
Of your life, in your mind, and inventory those snapshots.
I remember the very, very first snapshot I had, and she had me go through the various areas of my life, grade school, high school, whatever.
And the first snapshot was that my sister had come up to me in front of my other classmates and slapped me.
Well, now, no, I didn't resent her, but, you know, I remembered this.
You know, and, and so, my sponsor got past my fears, and, and, and, you know, same difference.
You know, I just called it something different, because it was, it was just a little safer for me to do it that way.
Then I grew into lots of resentments, you know, so I was able to, to do that later on, and that was, that was very helpful.
The other thing I want to talk about is that.
And a lot of times when we have these workshops, and, and, and we talk about inventory, we kind of focus on the resentment inventory, and we forget about the fear and the, the sex inventory, and, and I had a million fears.
I remember Mickey said to me one time early in the program, he said, you know, you're afraid of everything, and I said, no, I'm not afraid of anything, and he was right, he was right, I was afraid of everything.
The fear inventory was very helpful, but.
But what I wanted to talk about was the sex inventory, and the reason I wanted to talk about that was because, you know, I was talking earlier about putting on this persona, and, and I was very sexually active before I got married, and when I got married, I was now, I don't know, June Cleaver, maybe?
Married.
Married.
I, I was a flower child.
Before we got married, and I had the polyester green pantsuit once I got married, okay?
I was married, okay?
The whole persona changed, and, and I, I remember the only thing, when, when we were dating, we only dated a very short time, three months, Mickey had, had said, as we were getting to know each other, he said, are you a virgin?
And I said, no.
I said, no, but they didn't deserve it, okay?
That was the only thing he ever knew about my, my past.
And so.
So, so, so part of our, the dynamics between us was that I, I had this very, very thick persona, you know?
I was a, I was a wife and a mother.
And that was all you were going to get out of me.
And, and there was a real distance I had with him because, you know, he didn't know how bad I was.
He didn't know what a really rotten person I was.
And so I, I really had to work really hard to maintain this saintly, you know, whatever.
He called me Saint Marie for a long time.
And, and, and I, I guess I thrived on it.
But.
But what happened was that it began to really come between us, you know?
I was, I had to work really hard to be a person that I wasn't.
And, and when you do that, you know, you're always pretending and you, you can't ever remember quite, you know, which is which.
And, and at 15 years into the program or 20 years, 20, 20 years into the program, I was between sponsors.
My sponsors keep, kept dropping out of Al-Anon.
And whatever.
But I was between sponsors.
And I didn't have a sponsor.
I had never done a sex inventory because I was really, really afraid that if I did sex inventory, you know, everything would come out and blah, blah, blah.
And so I did a sex inventory because I had to.
You know, you get propelled emotionally, internally, whatever.
And I had to do a sex inventory to relieve the, the, the incongruity in me.
And I had nobody to fifth step with because I didn't have, you know, there was no one in the program at the moment that, that I really trusted.
I really had a hard time trusting.
And, and I, I prayed about it and what came up was that, and this is not recommended all the time, okay?
I fifth stepped with Mickey.
It was.
It was the most powerfully healing thing that ever happened to me because not only was I doing the work of the program, but I was becoming the person that I presented to him.
He had to know anyway.
And what happened from that was that we started on a, about a five or six or.
Maybe 10 year honeymoon that, because, because, you know, he had, he had told me the whole time along, he said, I want to know you.
I don't want to know who you want to be or who you want to pretend to be.
I, I fell in love with you, you know, and, and, and I don't see, you know, I mean, I, I, I was, one of the things that kind of tells you what happens is that, and it happened in our relationship was that.
I would get really nice and he'd go, what's wrong?
Because he knew the nicer I became, the more I was slipping away into the darkness, you know, and, and, and so when I, when I did this, I really felt like God was, was telling me to do that.
And I really believe that that's true.
I, I, I was for the first time in my whole life with someone.
I was able to be exactly who I was.
I was, I was not doing the, the balancing trick where, okay, now that's what they want me to be.
And, you know, and over here, I'm somebody entirely different and I can't remember who I am with whoever.
And, and this was the first time I had ever trusted a person entirely in my life.
And the fact that it was 20 years into our marriage, you know, really says that Mickey has a lot of patience.
And.
And.
And, uh, I thank God that he has a lot of patience because, uh, you know, he, he has his own stuff and, you know, his own disease and that's a tough thing for him to deal with.
And, you know, and, and, and he can be emotionally up and down, but, uh, the other side of the coin, you know, sometimes we don't quite give us Al-Anon's full credit for how insane we are.
You know, we say, oh yeah, the alcoholic, you know, the alcoholics.
It's really sick, you know.
Um, I heard from the very beginning that the Al-Anon is the one that you, if you watch families, you can tell that there's alcoholism in the family by the Al-Anon.
Um, because we have, we have a particular way of screwing our lives up deeply.
And, and so this was, um, you know, I, I really.
I would.
I would suggest you do it with your sponsor, obviously, but do sex inventory.
It is not an option.
It is not like, oh yeah, and then there is sex inventory.
Um, it, it is profound.
It is life changing.
And, um, it, it really helped me a great deal.
So that's what I have to say.
Thank you.
You know, some, there are times in life when, um, the experience you're having is like whipped cream.
It's like very rich.
And this is one of those times for me right now.
Um, I, it, the, the richness of being here with my wife, uh, and with Gary and with Julie and with you.
I mean, it's just like whipped cream.
It's the best.
You know, and we're talking about things that we wouldn't normally.
Talk about with somebody, you know, on the, now I can say on the subway, you know, PS, can I tell you that or at work, you know, I'd like to really open up my heart and tell you about all the, you know, but we're, we're getting to do these things here.
And it's like, um, when I was done with my fifth step, I got to join the family of man.
I had been outside of the family of man.
For so long.
And what we're talking about is coming to life.
Because we're human beings.
Um, I think it's so unfair in our program.
If we set the standard, well, I haven't had a resentment in 25 years.
I'm you're lying.
I'm sorry.
Human beings.
You know, we have these things.
They're like tripwires that go off inside of us.
We have that.
And we have all these other experiences.
And Marie was talking about sexuality.
And, you know.
And it says in the book that we'd, we'd hardly be human if we didn't have problems in the area of sex.
It's a loaded gun.
This is a very strong instinct.
So we've got all of this going on.
And now for my own four step experience, I will tell you that I looked at it, my genius, and I looked at the four step.
And I said, this is inadequate.
What?
Right.
I mean, what kind of an analysis is this?
You know, some resentments and fears and old sexual behavior.
I got the sexual behavior part.
But the rest of it, you know, it's not going to work.
And it works brilliantly.
And I can't really say why.
I mean, honestly, why these three things?
I don't know.
But they work brilliantly.
It's the only time of my life.
It's the only tool I have.
Okay.
So when I was going into my senior year in high school, this nun had been watching me.
She was a senior English teacher.
And she'd been watching me for three years.
And so before school started, she pulled me aside.
This actually does tie in with the four step.
She pulled me aside into her classroom.
And she said, she asked me this question.
And it was like unbelievable.
She got like the sign on me from that moment on.
She said, Mickey, what do other people think of you?
Oh, man.
Not what do you think of other people, which I was fully prepared to answer.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
But what do other people think of you?
And it was the first time in my life ever that somebody had asked me to be objective, not subjective.
And attaining objectivity when you have this disease is like scaling Mount Everest.
Actually, it's more because it's impossible.
Because I'm in here.
I'm in here.
Okay?
I am so in here.
And I can't get out.
We call this, it says in the big book that selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our troubles.
What does it mean?
It means jail.
It means psychiatric lock ward.
I'm in.
Cannot get out.
Why do you do what you do, Mickey?
Don't know.
But then we get into this tool, this inventory tool.
And all of a sudden, it's like...
We have the fourth column, say, in our resentment inventory, where I'm listing my faults, which is the title of my column, my fault.
And I've got all this objectivity.
It's really wild.
It's a miracle.
It's a miracle.
So I write my, like Gary was saying, I write my inventory.
I put a prayer.
Incidentally, the book does not say to do this.
But I put a prayer across the top of every page of inventory.
I think it's perfectly consistent with our program to ask the power that's saving my life to help me be objective.
To help, you know, sometimes my prayer is help.
Most of the time, my prayer is, God, thank you for the truth and the freedom.
And so, and then I make a master list on another page of all my resentments for this inventory.
The reason I do that is because the first time I did it, I just launched right into it.
Writing a column and then the next column.
I mean, you know what I mean, going like that.
And it was a searching, fearless, and never-ending inventory.
I thought, my God, I'm trapped in me and now I'm trapped in this.
I mean, and so from a practical standpoint, if I make a master list of all my resentments,
I can scratch them off and I know when this thing's going to end.
It's important to me.
So I have a prayer across the top of the page of inventory.
And then I put, I'm resentful at.
And then the second column, third column, and fourth.
So that I have closure.
So that I'm not spending all my time, as Gary was saying, I'm not spending all my time in the problem.
I'm going immediately to the solution.
Now, I expect a shift in my fourth column.
And when I say shift, I mean in the middle of my chest.
A palpable shift.
Because I'm not talking about you anymore.
I'm now talking about me and you disappear as the problem.
Okay.
Now, if I don't experience that shift, for me, I haven't written the inventory.
That's the only measure I have.
But there's like a couple of ways that I can do this, you see.
And I want to give you an example out of my first inventory.
I, like Gary, I came in here, I was 6'3", and I weighed 145 pounds.
I look like an antenna.
If I took my shirt off, I looked like a xylophone.
And this guy called me skinny, which was like really offensive to me.
Because I was painfully aware of what I looked like, you know what I mean?
Or anyway, my version of that.
And I was really self-conscious about being so thin.
And so I'll do.
I'll do the inventory.
And the purpose of this is that I want to give you a piece of inventory that touches me not at all.
And that I don't, I'm not revealing anything.
And then I want to tell you the inventory as I write it now.
I'm resentful of Joe Blow.
The cause, he called me skinny.
This is shortened up.
It affects my self-esteem.
And my fault is I'm selfish, dishonest, and frightened.
What?
Is there any inventory?
Is there any inventory in here, please?
So here's the way I write inventory now.
I'm resentful of Joe Blow.
The cause, he called me skinny.
It affects my self-esteem.
I esteem myself to be Sylvester Stallone.
My fault is, is that I'm dishonest.
I am skinny.
And I'm so frightened about the way that I look that I've lied about it in my own mind.
And I've recreated Mickey.
You understand?
You understand?
I am.
I am like waiting for a resentment.
I have set up a false world.
And I live in that world.
And so that's my fault.
Now I can take that back to God.
And you understand?
And then the healing can start.
Now that, that honesty, that objectivity was given to me as a gift.
Because I'm the guy who created Sylvester Stallone over here.
You know what I'm saying?
It's such a gift.
It's such a powerful gift.
Then we come to, we come to fear inventory.
My first fear inventory was like this.
I'm afraid of the light.
I'm afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid to be alone.
I'm afraid to be with people.
You know what I mean?
It's like, okay, now that's what I was told to do.
List your fears.
So I listed my fears.
I came out of it just the way I went into it.
Well, let's see what the book has to say about fear inventory.
First one there gets a prize.
Let's see.
67.
She gets the prize.
Is it?
No, you're right.
It is.
Okay.
Now I want to tell you the way I write fear inventory.
And I have for a long time.
And I'll give you an example.
Let's start with the example.
I,
when I write for inventory, I don't write columns and it's nothing wrong with columns.
It's just that I write a four sentence paragraph about every fear consistent with what I think the book says.
Pardon me.
So here's the example.
First sentence.
I'm afraid of elevators.
I'd like you to write this down if you're taking notes.
It's just big to have it as a reference.
And I don't work for an elevator company or anything.
I'm not selling elevators.
But it's just it's just.
It's just a nice reference to have.
So I'm afraid of elevators.
And then the second sentence is I'm afraid the cable will snap and I'll die.
Right.
We're going to go back to the book here.
We're going to look at what the book is this founded in the book.
And the third sentence is I'm selfishly trying to preserve my own life by not getting on the elevator.
This was actually true in my life.
I wouldn't get on elevators, which in New York would be some trick.
I'd be in phenomenal shape.
But right.
So I'm selfishly trying to preserve my own life by not getting on the elevator.
And then the fourth sentence is I'm not trusting and relying on God to care for me and protect me.
Now, if you have a life filled with fear, what happens is I'm afraid of elevators.
I'm not going to get on the elevator.
I'm afraid of getting on one.
I'm afraid of airplanes.
I'm not going to fly.
I'm afraid of cars.
I'm not going to drive.
I'm afraid of the telephone.
It might be a bill collector.
I'm afraid of somebody at the door.
Same reason.
And I live.
My life goes like this.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
And pretty soon I'm in bed.
Right.
And the guy told me one time he said, Mickey, powerless and unmanageable over our life, he says, doesn't mean anything if you're not going to do anything.
If you're going to stay in bed, that's not a problem.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
If you ever want to get out of that bed, having an unmanageable, powerless life means something, and you've got to find a way to deal with life.
What does the book say?
The book on 67 says, referring to our list again in the middle of the page, putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done, we resolutely look for our own.
That's for – that's the fourth column.
Yeah, yeah.
It's the last paragraph, but it's – it's on page 68.
Yeah.
There we go.
Lost in the tall grass.
Okay.
At the top of the page it says, we reviewed our fears thoroughly.
We put them on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them.
Okay.
So that's my first sentence.
What's my fear?
And then it says, we asked ourselves why we had them.
That's my second sentence.
That's my second sentence.
I have this fear because I'm afraid of this consequence.
And it says, wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?
So my third sentence is a statement of my trying to employ self-reliance in the place of God.
What am I trying to do to compensate for my fear?
And then it says, going to the next paragraph, it talks about cockiness and everything and self-confidence.
Perhaps there's a better way, we think so, for we're now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying on God.
So my fourth sentence is always the same.
I'm not trusting and relying on God to care for me and protect me.
So, you know, so this is – and I am afraid of airplanes still.
You know what it is?
I'm not afraid of airplanes.
I'm just very selfish.
I don't like to be out of control.
And 37,000 feet with somebody else flying.
This thing with God knows what the weather is going to be is not my favorite position.
Right?
I have had a jet.
We have had a jet strapped to our butts all year.
I mean, we have flown all over this country getting this beautiful opportunity to do this.
So it's like, Mickey, do you work for God?
Then you go get on the airplane.
And then you fly into Newark and you can't see the ground.
You can't see the ground until you're two inches above it.
I'm going, I know there's ground down there.
I know there's ground down there.
I just don't want to meet it like this second.
But anyway, so that's how I write fear inventory.
And then for sex inventory, I answer the questions.
So I'm page 69, and there's all these questions.
You know, was I considerate or was I selfish?
In other words, do I try to use people like I used alcohol?
You know, this is not a great way to be with people.
Right?
And sex gets very complicated.
It's a God-given impulse in us.
I think it has something to do with God having more of his children.
I'm sure there are other reasons.
It brings us close.
It can bring us close to people.
It can also drive us away from people.
And this, man, you're going to get the 30-second commercial here.
You're free to absolutely internally go, I'm never going to listen to this guy again.
That's fine.
We jump in bed, and we don't have a chance to even get to know each other.
You know, and the sex then drives us apart, and we've become biblically intimate with each other.
And we don't even know who the hell we're in bed with.
I mean, it's just, it gets...
It's crazy.
And this impulse, this impulse.
I recently heard of...
I mean, Alcoholics Anonymous can be a hotbed, every pun intended, of abuse.
I heard of a guy, 40 years old, who's sleeping with a 15-year-old in Denver.
This girl.
You know what I mean?
What kind of a chance is she...
Now, she's a person.
I mean, she can say no, maybe.
But here's a 40-year-old guy sleeping with her.
And it's...
Why?
Because it's an...
He's an opportunivore.
An opportunivore.
We'll just prey on each other.
Well, this is not a great way to be.
So, our sex powers, the book says, are God-given.
They're not to be used lightly or selfishly.
We have no...
It says we're not the arbiter of anyone's sex behavior.
But P.S., we can talk about selfishness.
We can talk about dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
And these things apply in these areas.
And so...
What happened when I got sober is I put the bottle down
and I picked up pornography like, again, you know,
tying the rubber around your bicep and shooting it into my veins.
And it finally was what vodka wasn't, you know.
It was odorless.
Except it stunk in my soul.
And so I had pornography going on and sex fantasy.
So what happened was is that I put the bottle down,
but I had to have a...
I had an instant hit to my central nervous system going on.
And I got involved in that.
And for six years, I begged God,
please help me.
Please help me.
Because you've become a creep.
You know what I mean?
And you've got this secret life.
Marie has used two words that are so beautiful.
Integrity and congruity.
And I was not...
I was not filled with integrity.
I was filled with poison.
So I heard this example and I'll offer it to you because I love that.
I picked it up in Minneapolis one time.
You can take a bicycle wheel.
And if you take one spoke out of the bicycle wheel,
the wheel will roll.
If you take another spoke out of the bicycle wheel,
the wheel will roll.
If you continue the process somewhere in the course of it,
because the wheel's rolling all this time,
but it's getting weaker.
There will come a day when you will pull one more spoke out of that bicycle wheel
and it will collapse.
And that's another way to say it is a death by a thousand cuts.
One day you stand up and your ass falls off and you don't know why.
Because we've weakened ourselves with selfishness,
with fear and dishonesty over and over and over again.
And pretty soon we can't function as a human being.
And I asked God to relieve me of that pornography.
And he did.
And it was like you can breathe again.
You get to be a person again.
And people get to be people instead of objects.
And it becomes really, really hard to live that way.
Do you know what I mean?
So this tool that is given to us can untie these knots.
And there's something I read in another book
that says,
we wrap ourselves with the bandages of ego like a mummy.
And then we identify with the bandages and say,
that's me.
And we are afraid if the bandages are peeled off,
there will be no us.
And it's not true.
Because in the beginning,
God made Mickey.
Then Mickey made Mickey.
And if I'm willing to do this process
and with the inventory and the fifth step
and the rest of the stuff,
unwrap the mummy,
I will get to be the Mickey that God created.
And it turns out that he knows what he's doing.
Do you know what I mean?
He knows.
I wanted to be an artist from the time I was a little boy.
But you know what an artist is?
An artist is a person up there.
They're special.
An artist is a special person.
And it couldn't be me.
That's how hard the bandages get wrapped around the mummy.
And it turns out that I am an artist.
And it's truer about me than probably anything else
except for my love of God.
All of that was waiting for me.
But I'm going to kill myself.
What?
I'm going to kill myself because of selfishness
and because it's got to be my way.
It's always got to be my way.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Don't follow me.
Mickey, don't follow Mickey.
I need a North Star.
I need a North Star that I can guide by
and powerful and powerful.
So this God will make a life.
And is it like ever too late to have that life?
No.
I became,
I started painting icons when I was 55
and I started making boots when I was 56.
I want to tell you this,
that I studied with a man who had made boots
as long as I was alive.
He had been making custom cowboy boots for 56 years.
And I asked him, his name's Hutch.
And I said, Hutch,
he teaches people one at a time.
I said, how many people have you taught to make cowboy boots?
And he said, about 40, he says.
And I said, and he looked at me and he said,
Mickey, you're the best student I ever had.
And Marie has been a seamstress all her life.
And I sit down at a storehouse,
a sewing machine,
and I can stitch these patterns in rows
and she can't do it.
That was waiting in me.
You see, that's who God made.
So the question then becomes,
who are you in God?
Who are we in God?
That's the only question, really.
And so what I'm getting to do in my program,
and this I cannot articulate
and I've never been able to do it.
We say, what do you do?
I'm recovering from alcoholism.
Really?
Really?
You're not being, like, retooled?
You're not being brought to life?
Yes, it's a part of me.
But I'm telling you,
if I spend my whole time in Alcoholics Anonymous
talking to you about booze
and me about booze
and you about booze,
wouldn't you like to talk about cowboy boots sometime?
You know, and I know that Tom,
he's dealing with people
and he's dealing with international shipments
and these things are going all around the world
and that's being of use.
And, you know, what do you care about?
You see,
so that's all about inventory
and I'll shut up now.
Vicki touched on something
that I'm going to kind of add to it.
He touched on pornography
and it's a major issue
and probably,
I mean, 80% of the men's lives in this room,
if not more.
And it was in my life
and obviously it was in Mickey's.
He just told you about that.
And it reached a point in my life
where I wrote an inventory on it
and I'm not going to share it with you as a group
but I'll share it to anybody individually
that wants to hear it on that.
But just for what it was worth,
it didn't help to do it
in the sex inventory,
in the conduct inventory.
I did it in the four-column fashion.
And it worked fine.
It worked just fine.
It gave me some ability
to see the damage
it was causing me.
My case is destroying my marriage,
it's destroying my work life,
absolutely crumbling
any form of spiritual life.
Just try to pray
with all that stuff going on in your head.
It's a little hard to get a concept of God
when everything's pink.
It just doesn't work.
So that's available to you
if you want to talk to me about it.
I'm not going to do it in front of the group.
Are there any questions, any comments?
Not about sex.
Sir?
What did you mean when you said
I'm afraid to open the door, it's raised?
I beg your pardon?
Did you say when you were talking about fear,
you said I'm afraid to open the door?
Afraid to knock on the door, it's raising?
Or did I mishear you?
It was like a bill collector.
That's why I was afraid to open the door.
Or to have contact with a neighbor,
God forbid.
No, really, no raisins.
I know, it was a fear of raisins,
which I'll share with you.
I appreciate the question very much.
Thank you.
No, I know.
We've got to get the raisins out of the room.
Is there a hand in the back?
Yeah.
Nikki, your story about lying on the floor was so powerful.
And I'd really like you to finish it.
You told us you were laying on the floor
and if there was ever a hell.
And I can really identify with that.
And there was a phone.
And you couldn't reach it.
And you had a knife.
And you didn't go on with that.
Would you be willing to share?
The rest of that story with us?
I think it would be very powerful.
Yes, I will.
And the question was for the tape.
What happened the rest of that night
with that suicide moment in my life?
And that telephone was above me.
And the sun set.
Marie did not know where I was.
And it was like reaching into a parallel universe
for me to hit that phone.
I was not interested anymore.
And I laid there that night and I thought,
am I going to take my life now or five minutes from now?
And it went on, like I said, for four hours.
And I thought, I don't want to make a mess on this floor
that someone has to clean up.
So if I can get out that door to the back,
then there's dirt out there and I can die on that dirt
and it'll absorb my blood.
And it was cold.
And I thought, God,
it's going to be so cold.
And I knew the shock was going to hit me
and then I would be even colder.
And I thought, no, but I can't take it anymore.
And so what happened is after four hours,
I couldn't do it.
I just couldn't do it.
And I fell asleep on the AstroTurf.
It's not very elegant.
You know, what happened?
So me and the AstroTurf.
And I woke up in the morning and I called Marie
and I told her that I was okay
and that I'd had a bad night.
And then I, during that time before this,
it was a long time.
There were two things that I would say.
Man, I said three things.
One of the things that I said to God was,
I choose her over you.
How do you like that prayer?
That's a dangerous prayer.
And that was a devastating feeling I had
the minute after I said it.
The other thing I said was, God, I can't breathe.
I just kept telling him I can't breathe.
And the other thing that I said was,
God, could you give me a cookie?
I just wanted something sweet in my life.
Would you give me a cookie?
So what happened was,
I'd met this lady in Minneapolis
and so I called her and I said,
I called her because she knew of a guy in St. Paul
that sounded like he really had some stuff, you know,
and I knew a man in Virginia, blah, blah, blah.
But anyway, so I called her
and I wanted to talk to her about this guy
and could she give me his phone number?
And she started talking to me,
what's going on with you?
So I'm telling her what's going on with me.
And she got her book out
and she got some other books
and she's reading to me
and she's carrying this message to me.
And the whole time she's talking,
it's starting to put my soul,
my soul back together a little bit.
And I think, you know,
God, this woman has everything I'm looking for.
And I asked her on the phone
if she would be my sponsor.
And I hadn't had a sponsor formally
for about 15 years
for those who are keeping score.
I would talk to people,
but you know how you can talk to this one
or that one,
but you don't have a formal sponsor relationship.
So you're truly not accountable, P.S.
I'm here to share that with you.
And so I said,
and I knew it was going to cost me something
to have a woman for a sponsor
because it's not the conventional wisdom
or practice in our fellowship.
And I would always have to tell somebody
that my sponsor was a woman.
And I thought, you know what, High Pockets,
you need that.
You need to have that moment
every time you have to tell somebody
because look what has happened to your life.
And her name is Cookie.
Never occurred to me.
Never occurred to me.
So God gave me a cookie.
And for four years she walked with me
and it was long distance
and we went through a lot
and I would just hang on to Cookie's voice
on the telephone.
I would just hang on to her voice.
And we ended up in Dover, New Hampshire.
I'd never lived in the East.
I'd never been out of the West
and we moved to Dover, New Hampshire
and I got a job,
my last job in advertising
in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.
And there's a lady in Brunswick, Maine
who was a grief counselor
in a hospice.
And so that was actually
the only home we were ever invited into
was hers.
And we went up
and we would drive to Brunswick, Maine.
Marie would drive me up there
and she would give me books
and I would read this line,
I'm a streamer.
I'm a streamer.
I'm a streamer.
I'm a stranger in a strange land.
I can't express to you
how upside down I was.
I would see your lips moving, man,
but I could not hear you,
but I could hear her.
And so we made this sort of like
very small family
and I got a chance to live
and I got a chance to come back.
And I want to tell you something
that what happened to me,
all of these things,
like I would drive,
I'd wake up in Dover,
drive from New Hampshire to Maine,
to New Hampshire.
That's just the route
that I went to get into work.
And I would get to Portsmouth
and there was a closed fish cannery there
and I would sit behind it
and I would cry like a baby.
I was just devastated.
But I accepted everything
that was going on in my life,
everything that happened to me
from God's hands.
I'm telling you this right now.
Where does that come from?
It was in my body.
It was in my bones.
He just had put his thumbprint in me
and I accepted everything.
And what I told him was this.
I said,
I believe that this is you
taking my disease away from me
so it won't kill me.
And I had no idea
how deep my disease was.
And if this is what we got to do, boss,
I'll go with you.
But I said,
please don't let me miss the lessons.
You know what I mean?
Because it was brutal.
And with a joke,
the cynical joke that we had in our house
was if this is the training,
what's the job?
This is the job.
You understand?
So that when we talk
and if you want to tell me
that I don't understand,
I do understand.
I do understand.
And so it's like,
and I'm not living in the way back machine
where it's like,
oh, the worst things that ever happened
in my life happened to me drunk.
Trust me.
It's not true.
So that's what happened
with the rest of that story.
Are we going to just cry all the time?
What the hell is this?
Is there anybody else?
Yes.
Hi, Clemente.
I've been hounded by a thought
for about half an hour,
but being hounded by a thought
is the first thing I'm learning.
And I can't get rid of it.
So I wanted to let it go,
but I couldn't.
And backing up to page 60,
it said,
it says we have to be fully convinced
that any life when I'm self-filled
can hardly be a success.
So from the time I did
my first third step,
God took away my desire to drink.
I've recovered from drinking.
But it seems like
I'm not recovering
from the bondage of self.
So,
and it drives me nuts.
I mean, having to do the steps over again,
the constant 10 steps,
it seems like I'm not free.
And in a way,
isn't Big Book saying
that these 12 steps are for everybody?
I mean, sure, I have identification
with being addicted to alcohol
and other alcoholics.
But really, the recovery that really makes it,
that makes it all the way,
is the recovery from the bondage of self.
And I'm not completely getting that
because I keep coming back to it.
I'm coming back to it.
And I'm sick of it.
And I just wanted to know
if any of you had anything to share
about 12 steps.
I'd like to start with that
and then I'm happy to pass it on.
But there's a few things
that I would like to say.
And, you know,
that is like the most terrific question.
And so the idea is like
I've been really relieved of drinking,
he's talking,
but now I still have to contend
with the bondage of self.
What about the silver bullet
that's going to fix that one?
And, you know,
we say in our meetings
that we peel the,
you talk about peeling the onion?
Well, I also read
that the snake sheds its skin in its season.
If you rip the skin off that snake,
you'll kill it.
So it turns out that,
again, in my experience,
these things come up
when they're going to come up.
And I'm going to be able
to deal with these things
when I'm going to be able
to deal with them
and not when I insist
that it's time that they get solved.
And you used a word in there,
and please believe me before God,
I'm not being critical,
but you said,
I have to keep doing these 10 steps.
We get to keep doing these 10 steps.
And St. Teresa of Avila said this,
you know,
it's like starting out
and we've got a garden here.
This is our flower garden,
but the well is a mile away
and we have a bucket.
And so we walk down to the well
and we throw our bucket in
and we drop some water
and we're going back
to our flower garden
and we've now spilled
half the water out of the bucket
and we pour it in.
About the time we get back there,
it's time to go back to the well
because there wasn't enough water.
You get the picture.
And so here's this person,
we're trudging down the road,
down this road.
And she says,
you know,
keep doing this
because one day God will make it rain.
You know what I'm saying?
So it's which is more important,
solving a problem
or contending with it?
And so,
I mean,
it's not that I pretend
to have all the answers in that,
but I just wanted to share that.
Gary,
you wanted to say something?
No, not.
I just want to say that I am.
Very good.
I'm just so grateful
that God didn't present to me
all the lessons
that I was going to have to learn.
You know,
I've been in almost 35 years
and if it had all happened
in the first two years,
I'd be dead.
I mean,
just dead of over amped,
you know.
So I had to learn lesson A
to be able to really get lesson M,
you know.
And so it's a process.
I am so grateful
that I'm still being allowed to do this
because the other option is
that I'd not be here
and I wouldn't be growing
and I wouldn't be challenging,
being challenged by God.
So, you know,
getting to the end of my defects
is really not a goal at this point.
You know,
he knows
and he uses,
he really uses my defects
in many, many ways.
I was talking to someone,
somebody before
about being a bad example.
I'm a real bad example sometimes
and that's useful.
One thought I had.
I see that as a first step problem, Clementa.
I see that as
now I'm going to be able to manage my life.
I'm not going to have to follow this plan
that God has laid out for me
with that.
That's the first place I look
when I have a dilemma like that
is there's something here inside me
that thinks I can do it.
I just,
and that's where I would go if I were you
because we have no ability
to change any of that stuff in our lives
and I've been sharing that my biggest fear
is that not everybody's going to like me
for 44 years
and guess what?
It still shows up.
We're in the dilemma here, kids.
It's 25 to 12.
We're going to eat at 12.
We have delayed your break
and we'd be happy to answer a couple more questions
or we can shut down and come back at 1 o'clock.
Oh, come on, ask a question.
Got one, got one.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I think what you're asking,
at least in my life,
my greatest desire,
my plan
when I first got in
was that I would get marooned
on a desert island
and there would be no one there
and I could be at perfect peace.
I could be at perfect peace.
I could be at perfect peace.
I could be at perfect peace.
And I'd be so well
because I wouldn't have to interact
with anybody ever.
And that was my dream.
It was, you know,
that was my safety net.
And, you know,
being out here
and being a part of your lives
is intimidating for me.
And yet it gives me exactly
what I didn't know I needed.
So the,
and the only way
that I have any confidence
in being up here
is that I've survived
some of the toughest stuff
that I can imagine surviving,
you know.
And that I have,
the thing I have to share
is that it'll be okay.
You know,
I've gone through a lot of stuff
and it'll be okay.
And being able to say that to you all
and knowing that, you know,
one or two people
will really hear that
is,
is,
is,
is,
is,
is,
is,
is what fills up my heart.
You know,
so,
so it's worth it
in that,
not,
you know,
I wouldn't do it for you all.
I wouldn't go through all this for you.
But in the end,
I would.
In the end,
I would.
If I understood you correctly,
Tim,
it's,
no,
we had no idea
that anything good
was going to come out of this.
It's like,
you know,
that,
that story about,
that kid with the,
the optimist
and the room's full of horse shit
and he,
he's all having a ball
because there's got to be a pony
in here somewhere.
Yeah.
Well,
I mean,
no,
there,
there was no pony.
But,
but,
but to the heart
of the matter for me
is,
is just as I have any,
any touch with what you were talking about
is,
is,
um,
when we lost our home,
for instance,
that'd be a perfect example.
We had been there for nine years
and,
um,
we had worked hard on it
and we,
we do everything,
believe me,
by ourselves,
with our hands
and we put all of that
into this house
and,
and so a bunch of AAs came over
and I'd heard about people
having this experience
that you wouldn't be alone
and people would show up for you
and they showed up at our home
and they pulled up carpet
so in preparation
for getting floored,
doors done
so we could sell the house
and they painted our walls
and I stood in the middle of it
and I,
you know,
it's like
in the giving process
I wanted to be the giver.
Oh,
you know,
that's a great thing.
You know,
you get that,
here's a few bucks kid,
you know,
whatever.
I'm going to be the giver
but to be the receiver
almost killed me.
I'm standing in the middle
of this house
and in my poverty
I have nothing to offer.
I'm paralyzed
or you wouldn't be in my house.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not going to paint a wall.
I'm just like,
I'm done.
Put a fork in me.
So,
that experience
and what happened is
I remember there was this red-headed guy
at the end of the thing
and he said,
God, he said,
I haven't had this much
as they're hauling our furniture
out of the house
and putting it in a truck.
He said,
I haven't had this much fun
and I can't tell you when.
I haven't felt this good
and I can't remember.
And I watched him weeding our gardens.
I mean, really,
it was just like this.
They descended,
sit on our home
and helped us.
And so,
out of that,
I learned that
in the giving process
there are two parties.
There's a giver
and a receiver.
And believe me
when I tell you
that it damn near
doesn't matter
which you are.
You understand what I'm saying?
I couldn't,
you couldn't have taught me that lesson
because I carry this concrete bunker
on my shoulders
for a consciousness
and I'm in jail.
You are talking to a person
who is locked down.
And I'm trying to talk
to a person who's locked down.
There's no access to it.
It takes a miracle.
I'd like to share something
with you out of psychology
for just a second.
And I'm not real long on that.
And incidentally,
if you ever wonder,
if I were to ask you,
what does the Greek word psyche mean?
We would say it means the mind, right?
Because psychologists,
psychiatrists, whatever,
the Greek word psyche means soul.
Just to take down the road.
But I met a brand new,
we did brand new licensed psychologist
in Washington State
when we were up talking at a conference
and she did something
to show something.
She put her thumb in the palm of her hand
and then she folded the rest of her fingers over it.
And she was describing
a place in our brain
called the hypothalamus.
And the hypothalamus is the residence
of nonverbal things.
Okay?
Things that will occur to us
that are nonverbal.
And she said nonverbal
and I thought,
what does that mean?
Because obviously I'm a talker.
It ain't real
if we can't talk about it.
Nonverbal.
Well, it's the residence of trauma.
Trauma will go into the hypothalamus.
And what she said,
and this gave me a real good feeling
about psychology,
is she says it takes another person
to help us to access the trauma.
Well, I just think that's very encouraging.
And so it's what we're talking about, Tim,
don't you think, in a way,
is that,
we're being together.
And it's like,
I'm not invested in your life story.
That's your life.
And you're not invested in my life story.
And I was laughing with somebody earlier
when I got to AA
that was kind of a,
it was a joke,
but they said,
the old AA greeting is,
you're fine, how am I?
You know what I'm saying?
And what it is,
is we help each other gain access.
We help each other gain access
through our inventories, Clemente.
Through our inventories
and our 10 steps,
we help each other gain access to this trauma.
Anybody else?
Yes.
My name is Shelly.
I'm an alcoholic.
Shelly.
I was going to ask her,
will she ever read
an inventory again
throughout the years
besides that one time?
We 10 step a lot
because we're together 24-7.
Can you repeat the question?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do I have,
since the sex inventory,
have I ever shared,
inventory with Mickey?
And we work together 24-7
and we do a lot of 10 step together.
And I have absolutely
not any problem
sharing any inventory
I've ever done with him.
I was told,
well, I was told in the beginning
that, you know,
before I ever share with Mickey,
I need to get the poison
out of the conversation.
And so I need to share
with my sponsor
and I do that.
I meet with her weekly
and I get the poison out.
And then what the conversation
happens afterwards
and if you want to say
the inventory,
you know,
I will share with him
the fourth column,
which really doesn't have
much to do with him.
It has to do with my fear,
my selfishness
and my dishonesty.
So he gets to hear
pretty much,
you know,
it's like you get what you see.
You know,
I,
I'm pretty much
an open book
as he is with me.
So,
so there's,
there's very little
that goes on
spiritually,
emotionally,
physically or anything,
any otherwise
that,
that we don't
share with each other.
So,
it's pretty open.
We have another question.
Yes, hi, Stephanie.
I'm a recovery alcoholic
in Massachusetts.
You said that
you're,
you've used,
you've seen
that your character defects
have been useful.
Could you please share
to that,
I,
I really,
that,
maybe sit up straight
and kind of like,
wow,
I'd really like you
to speak to that.
That would really be
Gary,
you want to start?
No, it's on.
My character defects,
the usefulness
of my character defects
seems to be
when I'm working
with the person.
I am
more able
to work
with the person
who's doing something
that I
recognize,
that I relate to
with that.
And so,
I,
that somehow
has become
an innate
thing
to my
12-step work.
I actively
seek out
people
to work with.
And,
and,
when I see
something in somebody
that I recognize
that was a part
of me
and generally
a part of my
dishonesty
and self-centeredness,
always a part
of my self-centeredness,
I'll recognize
that in somebody
and I approach
them very often
to work with.
And I have
a lifelong friend
who now
is a couple
of them
who that happened
with.
And,
and one of them
would show up
at meetings.
And meetings
and meetings
and meetings
because that's
what he was told
to do.
Don't drink,
go to meetings,
do the next
right thing.
And,
he was dying.
And you could
see it on his face.
You could see
it in his eyes.
And he had
all this conflict
and fear going on
and,
and I went to him
and,
and all I said
to him
was,
Earl,
I really know
where you're at
and I really know
that if you do
what I do,
your life will change.
I says,
can you trust me
on that?
Can you trust
anybody to do that?
And,
and he said,
I don't know
but I'll try it.
And that was
28 years ago.
And we still,
and all I did
was sit down.
But I related
to the pain.
I,
I knew
what was going on
and,
and he,
he was,
he was living
a life
that was continuing
this,
you know,
just tear him up
stone sober.
And it wasn't
a quick fix.
It was me.
But I use that.
That's,
I think,
our defects
really are our blessings
to be at service.
Um,
I guess the best story
I have is that,
um,
I,
I got a,
a boss from hell.
I,
I went out
and did some temp work
and,
uh,
um,
this was,
I don't know,
10 years ago
and,
and,
uh,
um,
we only,
we still only have one car
but Mickey would drop me
off at work
and I'd be crying
and he'd pick me up
from work
and I'd be crying
and,
uh,
because this,
this lady was,
uh,
what rose up in me
was such fear
and resentment
that I was just
eaten up with it
morning,
noon,
and night.
And,
you know,
I talked to my sponsor
and talked to my sponsor
and finally she,
she,
um,
I did my inventory
and,
and she pointed out
that,
that this person
was so insignificant
to me
and how could I have
such a huge reaction
of this defect
of,
you know,
fear and resentment.
And,
uh,
what was such a blessing
was that it was just a,
a sign that said,
you know,
there's something
you haven't dealt with
and so what I realized
was that
the,
the,
the anger
and the angst
that I was feeling
with this person
was stuff
that I had never dealt with
with my brothers
and sisters.
And so,
it was such a blessing
because you know that if,
if there's a reaction,
there's something there.
You know,
it may not be
with that person.
And,
and so,
that,
um,
that reaction
was the blessing.
Maybe,
I don't know if that's
what you're asking about,
you know,
my defect,
uh,
being a blessing
but that,
it,
I don't ignore,
when I have an overreaction,
I don't ignore it
because I know
it has to do with
something that,
it has to surface.
And,
um,
I,
I had heard this as,
you know,
we like to sort of
have our lives
be in sound bites now.
Um,
we are attracted
to each other
through our weakness
and not through our strength.
And,
um,
it's because we identify
with each other.
Somebody says,
you know,
I'm having this going on
and I say,
God,
you know,
I've had that
for a long time
and here's what I've done
to contend with it.
Because alcoholism
isn't sort of,
uh,
it isn't a destination disease.
It's not like
if you really,
really do a,
a very cool four-step,
man,
you're going to be done
with alcoholism.
It's not going to happen.
It's not going to happen
because our ego
is regenerative anyway.
Um,
it's a living dynamic.
It's a living dynamic.
I live
in alcoholism
every day.
So all I,
and this,
we have this phrase,
if you want
what we have
and you're willing
to go to,
what do you have?
Seriously.
Oh,
you have a way out
of the disease of alcohol?
Dude,
I will follow you.
But I can tell you
what I have.
I have
a system
for dealing with it.
I have a reaction
to alcoholism
because it's a daily disease.
Have I done my work
on my disease today?
So,
um,
so if,
if we were to talk
and you had something
really shameful
in your life,
do you think
you might be able
to talk to me about it?
I'm just,
you know,
you might not like me personally,
but do you think
it might be something
that we could talk about?
Yeah.
Why?
Because I have been there.
So there was this priest
and his name was
Father Damien
and he was assigned
to the leper colony
on Molokai
back in the 1800s.
And Father Damien
was carrying the message,
you know what I mean?
Because they take
all the leper case,
leprosy cases
in Hawaii
and they put them
into Molokai.
To quarantine the disease.
And so Father Damien
is in there
and he's working it.
You know what I'm saying?
He's giving it his best shot.
and,
but the day it changed
was the day
that Father Damien
stood up at the pulpit
and he said,
we lepers.
And they knew
that Father Damien
belonged to them.
We lepers.
You see?
And we alcoholics.
So I don't know
if that answers
your question,
Miss Massachusetts.
But I'm really glad
you asked it
because I think
it's important
because sometimes,
again,
we set the standard
for what success
in this program is
if we leave
the disease behind us
and it's not going to happen.
So what else,
what other standard
might we employ?
That might be kind of cool.
Anybody else?
I know we're going to eat here
in, oh my God,
in five minutes.
Any quick one
or shall we bag this thing?