Putting a Number on the Pain – Mike L.

About This Speaker Tape

A garbage barge of hurt, anger, and shame. That is the wreckage Mike L. describes towing behind him for decades. He speaks of the "big shot thinking" that led him to believe he could simply put a number on the pain he caused others, attempting to settle a spiritual debt with a checkbook. From slandering a mentor in North Carolina to pinning an elderly uncle against a garage wall in a fit of combat-shaped rage, Mike recounts the specific, gritty details of a life spent in betrayal.

He details the slow, often agonizing process of making amends—sending letters for four years just to get a dial tone to stop clicking. He describes the "memory bubbles" that surfaced at his father's graveside, breaking the lies he told himself to survive. By surrendering the right to get even and relying on a Higher Power, Mike moves from being an "alcoholic upgrade" in a cashmere jacket to a man who can finally receive love without his receptors being damaged.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Opening meditation on forgiveness and betrayal by Herb K.
• 4:45 Mike discusses botching his first attempt at amends to his brother Steve S. by trying to put a number on the pain.
• 8:12 The struggle to make amends to Stuart; Mike describes the 'click and dial tone' he received for four years.
• 14:20 The story of the 'runny eggs' and the subsequent decades of resentment toward Uncle Phil.
• 18:45 Making amends to his deceased father at the graveyard; Mike admits to trying to sabotage his parents' marriage.
• 23:10 The 'damaged receptors' metaphor and the memory of sitting on his father's lap.
• 26:30 Mike describes his time as the 'alcoholic upgrade' to Jan and her daughters.
• 31:15 Reading the letter to Summer; Mike emphasizes that the child of an alcoholic is often told they are crazy when they aren't.
• 36:40 Transition to the 12 Traditions; Mike discusses how they apply to personal relationships.
• 42:15 Meditation on unity and the 'prodigal spirit' returning home.
• 47:50 Discussion of Tradition 1 and the concept of 'common welfare' in a relationship.
• 54:10 The 'Third Tradition problem' with a client he simply didn't like.