Putting a Number on the Pain – Mike L.

I've got to do some work myself. You know, I always related to Clint's comment, you know, he says it's like a law firm, it'll start out God and associate, you now, and then it becomes God and Hodges, and then is becomes Hodges and associate after a while, you kno, and we just... I've gotta mind that will all of a sudden transfer this into thinking I've done something remarkable here. I'd like to start here with a short guided meditation on forgiveness and betrayal by my friend Herb K. So just get comfortable. Take a deep breath in. betrayal open your mind memories and heart to remember the hurts the wounds where and when you've been let down dishonored abused lied to cheated on diminished in spirit and emotions diminished physically and financially bring to your mind your memory in your heart a picture of the betrayer your father or mother husband, wife boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister a relative or friend have you been betrayed by your school by your church the judicial system the legal system the government bring to your mind to your memory and your heart a picture of the betrayer this is the reality it did happen we have been betrayed hurt and deeply wounded name it and accept it it is tragic and it's true forgiveness it is also true that we can be healed from these soul wounds to forgive is not to condone or excuse the behavior what was done was wrong to forgive is not pardon that's not ours to give we don't have the power of pardon to forgive is to release from debt to release from the demand for retribution or retaliation to forgive is to surrender our right to get even the reality is that as long as we hold on to these hurts they possess us actually they poison us emotionally and physically to forgive is to take responsibility for our part which may only be that we had been holding on to these memories, these feelings, and have allowed them to continue to devastate our emotions and spiritual lives. To forgive is to take responsibility for our part. How long are we going to carry these wounds? How long are Are we going to be shackled by the chain, towing this garbage barge of hurt, anger and shame? All spiritual traditions believe that we are forgiven just to the extent that we forgive others. All spiritual religions believe that we are released just to the extent that we release others. all spiritual traditions believe that we are forgiven just to the extent that we forgive others all spiritual traditions believe that we are released just tothe extent that we release others look at our own brokenness the many betrayals for which we have been responsible look at our motives, our role in the events in which we find ourselves betrayed. Where were we selfish, dishonest, angry, or afraid? In the light of our own brokenness, let us look at their brokenness. See them like us. Those that hurt us are themselves hurt, fearful, wounded, sick people. human beings twisted by their own personal histories. We are all weak, wounded human beings full of defects attempting to survive the difficulties of life and find a little peace and happiness. Forgiveness is the release of others and the harm they have caused us but forgiveness often follows deep acceptance of and repentance for our own harmful actions to others. We are powerless to name and accept the truth of the harm we have done. We are likewise powerless to release the hurt others have done to us. Where do we get the power? Am I willing to pray for the power, to ask for knowledge of the truth, To ask for freedom from bondage? Freedom from my own history? To wish for the spiritual healing of those persons or institutions who have harmed me? To forgive myself? To let go of the self-condemnation? To letgo of remorse, my temper, my addictions, my vanities, my arrogance, my smugness. To letgogo of my failures to do what I must and be who I am. am I willing to pray for the power to love them as I would love myself to see the world and its people from God's point of view we are beginning a new life it is a life of jubilee this is a life of forgiveness and reconciliation invite the healing power of the universe into our minds that our memories may be healed, into our hearts that our feelings may be heal, into out souls that our human spirit may be healed and that it may flourish. Healing Spirit of the Universe enabled me to be willing to let go, to forgive, to release. Spirit, enable me to be willing to find freedom. Enable me to be willing to be restored to sanity. Enable me to be willing to be taken to a place of serenity. Amen. I'm not here? I told you earlier that I had to go make amends for some of the ways I'd made amends earlier on and I did things like with well my brother was one my youngest brother my baby brother toward the end of my drinking I borrowed some money from him and I of course never paid him back and never acknowledged it and he didn't he never pressed me for the money so when I first try at making amends I botched it what I did was I put a number on his pain and that was the amount that I was going to pay him. And I got to see later that the real harm that I had done him was the fact that I thought so little apparently of our relationship as brothers that I never directly told him that I was wrong for betraying his trust, for not talking to him about this matter and everything else. The money needed paid back, but the harm was that I dissed our relationship as brothers. And that was where the real wound was. And handing him a check wasn't going to fix that. and what I one of the letter I wrote at one point here I'll share with you here Dear Steve I'm enclosing a small check to start repaying the money that I owe you I should have started doing this when I first got a job again but I had visions of making a killing and giving you the whole amount at once That was the same kind of big shot thinking that helped get me into trouble in the first place. It's time for me to start doing the right thing right now. Steve, I'm grateful for your long-suffering patience in this manner. I'm sure that there have been times you could have used this money, and for that I'm sorry. I'll be sending more along as I can. And I got a note here that I sent him 50 bucks with this. Funny thing, it was a lot more than 50 bucks that I owed him, and my finances, once I started, I was waiting for the money to come and then I was going to win the lottery and thenI was going to pay my amends. The funny thing was when I started being willing to paymy amends and do that in a minor way that the money started to show up to get that done. Another one of these from that period was I had a mentor and a business partner. He'd brought me into a business, he taught me the business and then for a period of time made me a partner. I moved on and later when I was in trouble and drinking and getting canned by my old company, Stuart took me back in as a partner again and I was closer to him than his own son was. He was, Stuart's 22 years older than I am and I'm just the same age as his son and I was closer to him than his son. We had great times together and I paid him back for this when he took me back by betraying his trust absolutely. Of course, I stole some from him and I needed to make that right But what I did also was I went around to the customers and clients we had, and when things went wrong, I told them that the reason that they were going wrong was that Stuart was getting old and forgetful and couldn't really keep up with the business anymore. And I slandered him out there. And so I knew immediately when this was heavy on my heart, and I knew immediately when I got sober that I owed this man amends and I kept trying I couldn't afford to travel to North Carolina to Charlotte where he was in the beginning and so I kept trying to call and every time he heard who it was on the phone I got a click and a dial tone and so the suggestion was made to me that look couple times a year just write him a letter and so I did that for a period of four years and this letter was when I sent him on March 24th in 1989. Dear Stuart, I was watching the North Carolina-Michigan game last night and I was thinking of you. The fact is that I do that pretty often because you're a very important person in my life. First things first, by the grace of God, I haven't had to take a drink, pills, etc., etc., since September 7th, 1985, and for that I'm more grateful than I can say. This isn't a personal triumph, but the triumph of the love of many people, including yourself, and the loveofGod. I thank you. I imagine this doesn't sound much like me. I hope not, because that person has brought a lot of pain into people's lives. And I can't believe this got by my sponsor, I said, including my own. He must have had his red pencil put away that day. It's not necessary for me to try to be a big shot anymore. I've failed in each and every area of my life and for that I have no one to blame but myself. I can'T believe that I've been given a new life. Stuart, I don't expect anything from you, not even forgiveness. I just want you to know that I love you and that you're in my prayers every day. And if I can ever do anything for you, please don't hesitate to let me know. And on the 27th, on Good Friday, appropriately enough, he wrote me back. And he says, Mike, how happy I am to hear from you. It's been some time, pal. Think of you often. the best news is that you've been given a new life and he's still suspicious and appear to appreciate it and I earned that I'll call you soon and maybe you can bring me up to date please take care of Love Stewart and that's it sometimes it's a process of years to start But it took four years to even get a contact established there. And we eventually got that made right and restored. But I'm so happy that the people that taught me about this process also taught me not to just give up, at least not in a case like this. There were other people that I needed to leave alone, like that gal I got pregnant. I wanted to be left alone, and I've honored that. But other people, I needed to persist in a polite way. I don't have the right to go intrude into their lives and cause more chaos just in order to make my amends. The next one of these was one I'm embarrassed to tell you took me all the way to February 3rd of 1999 to make. And it was owed right out of the gate. And this was, it was a silly little thing almost. I mean, my pride, well it's not silly I guess, but my pride blocked me from making this amend. My mother's sister and her husband live in the east coast in a wealthy suburb about in New Jersey, outside of New York. And they had no children. And so summers, I would, when I was of an appropriate age, I'd go back and spend the summer with them. And they did everything for me. They arranged for me to meet Jack Kennedy and have a tour of the Senate. I got to go to mansions up and down the East Coast, to art museums and all kinds of things that a little kid from Iowa would never have seen. But that uncle, when I was about 11 years old, I wasn't drinking yet, but I think I was a little alcoholic, I complained at breakfast one morning that they'd served me my eggs and they were too runny. and he'd had enough of my crap and I got the eggs in my face and a bloody nose. And I made sure that my grandfather and everybody in the family knew what he'd done to me and that he'd abused me and so on and so forth. And then when he, I visited, the next time I visited there I had just graduated high school, and I broke into the liquor cabinet, got drunk, and threw up all over their house and caused a fair amount of damage there. And, of course, justified it. And then later when he happened to be in my aunt were visiting my family, and I was back from Vietnam then, and they were older than my parents. He's still alive. He's 94 now. And Phil, they were having a picnic in the backyard at my parents' house and I got him cornered inside the garage and I pinned him up against the wall. I'm a 21-year-old guy back from Vietnam in combat shape and he's an old man. I pinned against the walls and scared the living hell out of him and asked him if he'd like to try and give me a bloody nose again and so on and so forth and all this stuff. Now, obviously, amends are owed here. Now, why I didn't do this is because they got a lot of money and no kids and everybody's busy trying to get in the will and I didn' t want anybody to think that I was trying to suck up to them and get their money. so I put this off and put this off and put this off and finally some of the language in this letter is there because when I make amends to people I'm told to the extent I can to talk to them in their language and they're formal people and for one thing in their circle a type written letter is an insult a personal letter that's typewritten as an insult. If it's a personal letter, it should be handwritten. Unfortunately, my handwriting is horrible. So here's what I finally did when I made the approach here. Dear Virginian Phil, I'd hoped to have this conversation with you in person, but I've already waited too long and who knows when our paths may cross again. Many things have changed in my life, but my handwriting isn't one of them. So I'm typing this to make sure it's legible, not less personal. I want to specifically acknowledge my boorish behavior around and towards you in my failure to express gratitude for your kindness and generosity over the years. I was wrong. I'm particularly pained to recall my self-centered, immature behavior because it so appallingly fails to reflect the love and gratitude in my heart for both of you. I want you to know that the gifts you gave me of your time, travel, education, and love have made my life much richer than it otherwise would have been. I often recall our trips to New York City, Radio City, Rockefeller Plaza, the Rainbow Room, Washington, D.C., the Shoreham, Mount Vernon, the Smithsonian, et cetera, et zebra. I learned to enjoy great music from your record collection and saw great homes and great art. what priceless gifts thank you if you can ever think of any way in which I can add to your lives please let me know I'd be delighted to return even a small portion of the love you've given me for these many years I love Mike and I I heard back from the old boy and I was there just in time they were both well my aunt died a month later and I almost missed it, and so forth. And it was all around what are people going to think? What are they going to thing of me? Are they going think that I'm trying to get money out of them? Now the tough ones. My dad died while I was still drinking. He died in 1979 and I had a love-hate relationship, my dad just flat loved me but I had to love the hate relationship with him and it was because I could in my eyes I was always a disappointment to him I never measured up and and I always I had the crazy notion that unless I could beat him at something he wouldn't care for me you know so I I instead of enjoying things with him anything we did together was Oist became a competition on my part, not on his. And he was one of these, as I told you last night, when it was a scholarship athlete as a tackle playing football, but he was also the kind of guy that he borrowed a tennis racket and won the city tennis championship. And he'd play golf a half a dozen times a year and we won the father and son championship. in our city i mean i had to play every day but he just had a gift and a touch and the last straw was actually when i came back from vietnam and my dad had had a stroke when he was 48 years old while i was in the service and came back and the big old tackle was shrunk down and he was been partially paralyzed on his left side and so the guy that used to be able to hit that golf ball a country mile Couldn't do that anymore. So we went to, he drug one leg and we went out to play golf. And my dad being who he was, instead of hitting a long ball, now all of a sudden had a marvelous short game. And he beat the daylights out of me. I went home and I hung my golf clubs in the garage at my folks' place and they were never touched by me again until my mother went in the nursing home 30 some years later and then the house was sold so I'd become ready finally after a period of years to make amends to dad I was home back in my hometown for Christmas And our friend Don's sobriety birthday was Christmas. And I called Don up to wish him a happy anniversary. And I mentioned to him that, well, Don, I'm finally ready to make amends to my dad. And he said to me, he says, well what do you want from this? And I says, Well, I guess at this point what I really want is, I just want forgiveness. and he says well Mike that's what you want, that's what you have to offer and I got the piece that I needed to go and I drove out to the graveyard and I've still got my pride working on me I'm sitting there in the car and the grave's over there 30 feet and I'm wondering if sitting in the car and doing this would be good enough you know looking And, well, you know, what if somebody sees me standing out in the graveyard talking to a headstone? You know, What are they going to think about me? And fortunately, you folks taught me not to cheat myself. So I got out of the car and I went over to the grave. And I said, Dad, you need to know your square with me. I'm dropping my end of the rope here. from my end of this we're all square and I've been so wrong in my relationship with you and I went through all the stuff you know, I lied to him I cheated I stole and one of the most pernicious things I did was I tried during a period of time I tried my very best to cause trouble in your relationship with mom because if I could get the two of you squabbling a little bit, I could kind of sometimes slip through the cracks. What kind of a kid deliberately tries to cause trouble in his parents' marriage? Fortunately, I was unsuccessful. But not for lack of trying. And I... So I said that and I said, Dad, I'd like to become aware of what I need to know to get the books to balance between us. And I said a prayer and I left the graveyard and went back to my mother's house and walked in the house and as I was going downstairs out of the corner of my eye I saw my dad's desk was still there in the corner and I remembered something. I remembered the letters you know I was so pissed off at him he had plenty of money and he was too jam cheap to ever pick up the phone and call me and then I remembered the letters my dad was a kid out of the depression you just didn't make phone calls casually but my dad sat down and wrote me letters that ran two and three pages on legal pads on both sides in fairly small handwriting. And I realized, you know, I said, would I write my son letters like that? Would I take that much time? You know, typing an email can be a deal at times, you now. And I realised, you known, that I'd been wrong and one of my lies went away that he didn't care to talk to me and he didn' t care to communicate with me. In fact, what I understood is that he communicated with me and the way he understood best. And that it took a lot of time and effort to do it. And some time passed, a day or two, and I had another little memory bubble surface. You know, the rap I had of my dad is my dad never told me how he felt about anything. He never shared his feelings with me. I didn't know who he was. My dad was just this buttoned up guy out of the Depression and World War II that just did what he had to do and kept a stiff upper lip and all that kind of stuff. And then I remembered, I'm back from Vietnam and I'm sitting down with my dad out in the back porch and my dad starts talking to me and he's trying to tell me what it feels like to be a relatively young man and know he's not going to live a full lifetime and that he's worried about what's going to happen to the younger kids and my mom. And the truth was his big war hero son didn't have the guts to hear it and I got up and I walked away and I stopped the conversation. that was the truth and so another one of my lies broke I when dad had that stroke he was in a fairly high wrecking executive for a company that's now Williams Pipeline Company, Williams Gas Transportation. And in those days they didn't have disability programs like they do now. What they did is they gave him three years salary and kicked him out. And my dad approached that rehab from that stroke and he made a remarkable recovery. He worked as hard at that as he ever did any of his athletic stuff. I told you, he got to where he could whip my butt at golf again. In the process of doing that, he'd been doing some rehab stuff and he was making things with lead glass and all kinds of stuff. Candle holders and dishes and vases and that sort of thing. And he asked me one day if I would help him put some of this stuff in a couple of suitcases and carry it because he couldn't and that we'd go around to some of the gift shops and furniture shops in the area and see if they'd be willing to sell some of his stuff on consignment. And I did it, but I hated him for it. Those were the shops where my yuppie friends shopped. And I was going in here toting these suitcases like I'm some kind of a peddler and a beggar asking for a favor. Mister, please sell our stuff. What if my friends saw me? What would they think? And all this kind of stuff. And then the truth hit me. The lie broke. my father loved us so much that while he was dying he was willing to go to any lengths to help us and it wasn't long after that that I was sitting in a meeting and I don't even remember what the topic was but it didn't have anything to do with dads or anything like that but I just all of a sudden started crying and I wondered have I lost my mind what's going on here and then I knew dad and I were square it was done now I'd like to tell you that's a good story as far as it goes but since you've taught me to live in God's world instead of mine the results in God God's world are a lot different than mine. And what's happened since then is that I've gotten to experience the love that my father gave me 40, 50 years ago as fresh and clean as it ever was today because love doesn't diminish with time. I'm a type 2 diabetic which means my pancreas produces insulin but my body my receptors are damaged and my body doesn't use it very well and you see I've never been loved enough I've ever been cared for enough I've had enough of your affection I've never had enough of your time and attention. And what I found out through this process is that I've always been loved. I've been bathed in love, but for some reason my receptors were damaged and I couldn't receive it. Thanks to you, God has restored me and so I can receive that love today. I had a moment last summer when I went over and cut my friend Linda's grass and I'm sitting there and it's kind of a hot day and I smell the grass and everything else and I am sitting there after I finished and all of a sudden I am about seven years old again and I sit on my dad's lap and I can smell him because he's been cut in the grass and he's running his hand through my hair and saying, I sure do love you, boy. And it's real. It's real I'm so glad that you showed me not to put limits on this stuff. That if I'll just be patient and live in God's world who knows what can happen if I just stopped at the end of the trail there I would have missed so much not surprisingly I was in a relationship while I was drinking toward the end of it with this young woman, and she had two young children, two girls, Summer and Erica. And they'd been deserted by their alcoholic father who was a real alcoholic. He, with apologies to Tom, He rode a Harley, and when he deserted the family, she and the kids were in this Ford Escort station wagon at the supermarket, and he came up and took a tire iron and smashed all the windows out and left them sitting in the parking lot covered with broken glass. He jumped on his bike and rode off to Arizona. Left them. and I come along a little later and while I look a lot different, what I really am is I'm their alcoholic upgrade I'm not wearing leathers, I'm wearing a cashmere jacket and I'm still drinking fine Bordeaux at this point in time and I've got myself a new Lincoln Mark 5 and everything else but I'm an alcoholic and this is also about the time I embraced cocaine as the answer to alcoholism I thought that that was I'd been led out of the wilderness there but I found out it really was what I found out it was it was God's way of telling me I had too much money But I was in a relationship with this girl's mother, Jan, for a little over four years. Which kind of, during that point, hit the tipping point in my drinking and I started into my nosedive. And I caused harm there with those kids. The one girl, her seventh birthday party, I had to do a couple of lines to get going for the party and then with all of her friends there I make a mess and pass out in the middle of everything after generally chasing the kids around and being berserk. And stuff after stuff. the youngest one I'd do things like I'd put her up on the high man I had a fireplace with a high mantel and I'd putting her up there and she'd be terrified and I would laugh at her tell her that she needed to grow up so I knew I needed to make amends here and I figured in the end that this was going to be an easy one. Now, don't ask me how the hell I ever figured that out, but I thought this was gonna be easy because to this day, as a matter of fact, Jan's my barber. And until recently, I had a beard and so she'd trim my beard every week and she used to say it was a testament to God's love that if she could have a razor to my throat and I could get out of the chair afterwards. But anyway, I made an appointment with Jan to make amends and since we'd had a fairly cordial relationship, I thought this is going to be no big deal. I mean, this is kind of one of those I'll have to suck up and make some amends here but it's not going to make any sense and it's going to not be a big deal so I started making amends to her and by the way the format I've been given that I adhere to very closely every time I kind of deviate from the format I tend to end up in trouble with doing this but it goes simply the fact that I make sure that you know your square with me first and that's important because like my ex-wife said Mike you're the kind of guy who puts rocks and snowballs So a lot of people were suspicious of me when I approached them. So I needed to, you know, what's his agenda now? I neededto tell them up front so they could hear me and listen to me that they were square with me. And then the next thing you're going to hear me say, I was wrong, never sorry, wrong. And then I'd lay out what I was aware of and then I said, you Know, I know some of what I did to you, but I don't know what it did to You. please tell me about that, if you will, and tell me what I can do, if anything, to get the books to balance between us. And I shut up and I listen and I do not defend myself. So I did this with Jan and when I gave her, it seemed to go pretty well and I asked her if she had anything she needed to tell me and she had about an hour and a half's worth. And there were some real surprises there. She says, I see you bring your son into the shop and I see how he is with you and I can see that he trusts you and loves you. And I'm straightening up waiting to get my good dad pat on the back. And she said, and that really pisses me off. She said, my kids deserve that from you and you didn't give it to them. You ripped them off. Bo wasn't looking for that. And she went on and on about any number of things and we got that resolved. So she and I got resolved and so I said at the end of this, I said, Jean, it's obvious that I've caused harm to the girls. They're young teenagers at this time. Can I approach them? And she said, I don't know whether I want you doing that or not. And so what she finally came down and she said I'll tell you what you can do. You can write them a letter if they want to have anything to do with you it's up to them I'll let them be the judge but I don't want you in their face so here's the letter I wrote and this was about draft number six because the sponsor really had the red pencil going on this one this was to the oldest girl Dear Summer, I'm writing to do what I can to set right the harm that I did during the years that I was in a relationship with your mom. I've chosen to type this rather than phone for two reasons. First, my handwriting is pretty hard to read and second because I want you to have something tangible that you can look at later when life may be treating you rough. To tell you the truth, I am tempted to just let things stay the way they are because your mom tells me that you have a few good memories of the time we spent together. Part of me says, why mess with that? The best answer I have is that I love you and I'm certain deep in my heart, whether you know it yet or not, I've done you harm. I'm sure that you're aware during the years we were together that I was an active alcoholic and they made me put this next part in bold italics here. Let me be very clear that this in no way whatsoever relieves me of responsibility for my actions. I used alcohol and drugs because they were the only things I knew that could give me relief from the constant fear I felt. I was drawn to you and the family because I desperately wanted to love and be loved, but I was also scared to death at the prospect of being responsible. Emotionally, I felt like I had one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I'm sure that it was hard for you to figure out what was real, is the real Mike the one who wants to love me or the one who pushes me away you weren't crazy I was you were a wonderful lovable child and had every right to expect consistent love emotional support and parenting from me what you got instead was fear chaos confusion and abandonment I want you to know that I didn't fail to give you those things because you were unlovable or undeserving but because I was a sick and frightened man incapable of giving. If you feel emotionally ripped off, it's because you were. If your feel abandoned, you're not crazy, you were! I know at some deep emotional level it's hard not to feel that if you were really worthy and valuable that these things wouldn't have happened to you. Please believe me that this just isn't so. You were worthy and deserving of love then and now. It was I that failed you. Summer, I hope that you'll accept my heart felt regret for these and the unlisted harms that I've done you. Should you ever want to talk about any of this, please give me a call. If I can ever be of any help to you as a friend, I'd be honored. And P.S., I'm also sending a similar letter to Erica. I'm grateful for the help I got in writing that letter because I was told, although I hadn't had the experience that the secret fear of every child of an alcoholic is that they're crazy. They'd rather believe that there's something wrong with them than the parents. So I very specifically suggested that I tell her that she's not crazy, that I am. Because she effectively had been parented by two successive alcoholic men. and I didn't really get much of any response from that but I did get invited to her high school graduation sometime later and that was a nice time and then the following fall we got word from Arizona that her bio dad had hemorrhaged to death on his couch while drinking from esophageal varices. And not long after that, I got a call from Summer and she says, Mike, you remember that letter you wrote me? And I said, I sure do, Summer. She said, You know, that was the letter that I always hoped I'd get from my dad. But since he'll never send it, I think God had you send it for him. See, I'm living in God's world, out there cleaning up my mess. And I get to help with a little piece of healing for some guy I never really knew. and I don't know if he ever had an opportunity at this way of life if he did he didn't obviously take it but I get to be part of that chain of healing and then a few years later I get invited to be at Summer's wedding And that was just after I was out here at Sky Camp in 98. I was here in September and her wedding was in November. I got a note from Summer. Michael, thank you so much for sharing my day with me. It seems like just yesterday that you were chasing us around and bopping us with those foam bats. Those were great times. I'm so glad you were here to see me all grown up. It wouldn't have been the same without you. I hope your holidays are wonderful. Please keep in touch. Love and kisses, Summer. And she married a guy named Michael and they moved to London for his work. And she became pregnant after a couple of years and they came back to the States because she wanted to have her baby in the States, close to mom. And I get to hold little Aiden James not long after he was born. and I'm the guy that came here screaming that it wasn't fair. And I'm here to tell you, thank God it's not fair. Thank God it is. Thank God that it's not fair I don't know what your miracle is in this arena and I am sure you have had them and will have them but there's so much to be had here in this area if we'll just persist in this I think that's probably enough for me tonight and I thought since we've had a lot of discussion I can't believe it but we've got alcoholics that seem to be interested in relationships around here so I think maybe the first session tomorrow morning I'll direct at some relationship stuff and then we'll have a second and final session on 10, 11 and 12 so thank you very much you've got the night off for me now it's Sunday morning already just seems like we just got here or at least to me. Here's Our Lady of Perpetual Water here. It seems like in talking with folk over the weekend that there's some interest in relationships around here. So I thought maybe we'd take a... Actually, there are times we do whole retreats on this and sometimes when I really get lucky I get to do this with my lady Linda and then I've got some really good direction going for myself because she's one of my best teachers in this area. There's probably no area that seems to trouble us drinking and sober more than the area of relationships. Now, relationships are... I had to find out as somebody told me, Mike, that's more than just hump love. I'm in relationships constantly. We've been in a relationship all weekend. And so I need spiritual principles to guide me there. And we've had a transition happen in my home group over a period of time where we paid more and more attention to this. Because it came to us all of a sudden that God and Bill had given us twelve spiritual principles that are really guides to how to have a successful relationship. And those are our twelve traditions. that's what they are I was all confused I thought those were mainly rules and stuff that I used to try and get my way in a group meeting or at the area assembly or something like that and my main job was to read them so as I could find loopholes and one of the guys Tom I helped give me some insight there he said you know Mike where you really need to understand these things is at a personal level in your everyday life. And then if you do that, you'll automatically know what to do when you're at the area assembly. And by the way, you will notice that your relationships, all of them are going to start smoothing out. And so that started a process with our group and with me of paying attention to this in a very specific way over a period of years. And we've noticed some pretty remarkable results from doing that. See, my group is kind of... We pride ourselves on being samurai step warriors and we can write inventory and we make amends with the best of them. And all of a sudden it occurred to us wouldn't it be wonderful if we started conducting our lives to where we didn't have to be so damn good at writing inventory and making amends? And find out when I'm willing to pay attention to these principles that that's the case. Also found out another thing that, in fact, Gary B. in our home group, in addition to being 41 years sober, he's 45 years married to the same gal. And when we started doing this, Gary had his V8 moment and he says, you know, I realize, although I didn't specifically know it, the only reason Julie and I are still married is that we've been one way or another practicing these principles in our marriage. So that led us to look at the fact that we know a lot more about this than we really think we do. It's getting in contact with the knowledge that we already have here. So a guy came by our group and he gave us an acronym that I really love. You may have heard it already, but it stands for relationship. It says, really exciting love affair turns into overwhelming nightmare. Sobriety hangs in peril. And I don't know if you've had any nightmares, but I've managed to have a few along the way. I'd like to get us started here maybe with a little meditation. If I can find it. Okay, well maybe I won't. Oh, there we are. This is our step workshops now. We've, by group conscience, when we go through, spend our time going through together in the steps and it occurred to us that let's see if the guys want to spend some time in these traditions on the end of it. and again, not studying up to be AA politicians around this but looking at these and how we might use them effectively in our personal lives particularly at home and in business and as we go around here. And for that workshop we came up with this little meditation on unity that we started our workshop session. So with your permission I'll share that with you and so just relax. Oh gentle God please show me the things I already know but I'm unaware of reveal to me the wisdom that I already have I've failed to pay attention to my life and squandered the riches of my own experience. I am like Gulliver, tethered and bound by countless old ideas. I'm now ready for you to remove the blinders from my eyes. How has self-reliance failed me? haven't my best intentions failed to produce lasting happiness God please redirect that marvelous will you gave me so that it might align with yours God please channel my energy and my efforts that they might be useful to you and my fellows if I'm to be truly happy joyous and free I must be guided by the principle of unity My heart's unspoken desire has always been to live in unity with you and my fellows. I'm now willing for you to remove the shroud of fear from my soul that I may stand in the sunlight. my fear has failed to protect me I must let it go envy has blinded me to my own gifts I must not I must let it go jealousy has poisoned my loving spirit I must let it go I'm malnourished for I've been feeding on my ego starving at the banquet of love I have lived in the insanity of separation from you and my fellows now is the time to turn my prodigal spirit towards home loving spirit restore me to sanity loving spirit bring my wandering spirit into unity with you and my fellows Thank you. Amen. Amen. So our first tradition is that our common welfare should come first personal recovery depends upon AA unity Well, the traditions for relationships were adapted from the short form, not the long form. It seems to fit better for this purpose here. And it says in the relationship form, it says our common welfare should come first. Effective relationships depend upon unity. And unity is the cornerstone of every relationship I have, Whether it's you, my God, the people that I work with, the lady I'm in relationship with, the guy when I stop by the 7-Eleven to grab a cup of coffee in the morning. He and I are going to have a little relationship. And it depended upon whether I'm conscious and want to bring us into unity or not is going to determine how that goes. so everything flows back and everything I'm doing I need to look at from the standpoint if I do this is it going to add to or take away from unity if I'm sitting down to help to make a decision at work is this going to add to or take way from unity the way I'm dealing with this how I'm going to create unity am I going to destroy unity and if I can just ask might give enough pause to ask that question, what I need to do usually doesn't seem to be such a mystery anymore. Helps clarify things for me here. And then our second tradition, which is the answer to this, is for our group purpose there's but one ultimate story. A loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They don't govern. and for the relationship form, it says for our relationship purpose there is but one ultimate authority. A loving God as He may express Himself in our informed relationship conscience. You know, if I don't give her all the information, we don't have an informed conscience, do we? And I don' t know about you, but I'm really guilty of deciding how much she needs to know at times. You know, I tend to want to give people just enough information so they'll do things my way. And that's destructive of unity because there can't be any informed group conscience. And one of the things that Don showed me over time was, you know, I was under the misapprehension that taking a vote was having a group conscience. And he said, oh no. He says sometimes voting is necessary, but voting is about power and voting stops the group conscience Sometimes by restraint of whatever you've got to do, there needs to be a vote. But group conscience is the process of us sitting together, talking with each other, reasoning to each other and most of all listening to each another and then through that becoming of one mind it tends to become obvious as to what we do we had a group inventory at my home group a while back and we schedule those specifically not on meeting days, we schedule them usually on a weekend morning and you got to want to be there to be there in other words if you're casually coming by the meeting you're not going to probably get to the group conscience so the people that get to the group conscience are people that care about the group and have a commitment to the group and what we do is we bring our lunch and we're prepared to spend as long as we need to handle business and we do an inventory from the group pamphlet and we hit some issues in the group that were very contentious. And we were just kind of banging heads all morning and we really were talking past each other. I don't know that anybody was right or wrong, but not many of us were listening to each other, we were busy for as soon as somebody else started talking, I was getting ready with my response. And a marvelous thing happened, one of the guys said, well why don't we just take a break and eat? And so we took a break and ate. And, of course, being who we are, we continued to talk with each other while we were eating. Except now, occasionally, we had our mouths full, so we listened a little bit. And when we finished eating and we got together, assembled again officially, it became... We were going to still take a vote, but before we took the vote, we knew what the results were going to be because we've been through this process of becoming of one mind and so my problem is unity I'm out of unity with you I got here out of community with my God I don't know how to put anybody else's welfare first the only way I put somebody else's welfare first when I got here and even for a period after I got here was if I thought I could get my way by putting your welfare first or seeming to. It was a tactic, it wasn't a way of life. My failure to follow these principles as much as anything else destroyed my marriage and I didn't understand it at the time but once I started looking at this and looking at my experience in there I clearly understood why that didn't work and I'll talk about some of that as we go along here so my guiding principles unity, how I get there is in dialogue and most of all listening to you if I listen to you and we're in dialogue you're going to tell me what I need to know to bring us into unity or to do my piece in bringing us into Unity the third tradition here is the only requirement for AA membership is the desire to stop drinking for the relationship form it says two or more persons who are gathered together for mutual benefit may call themselves a relationship the only requirements for a relationship is the desire to be in it well you know simple I'll give you It, amongst the guys I sponsor now, particularly my friend Matt, instead of when we're calling each other during the day and we're both active in business and we talk about various issues where it used to be, you know, going to a step with that, he'll say, you you know, Mike, it sounds like you've got a third tradition problem. So I've got a client that I just had all kinds of trouble getting along with and I couldn't figure out there's no logical reason that I shouldn't get along with this guy. And it was pointed out to me, well, maybe you do have a third tradition problem, you know the fact was I just didn't like him, I just did not want to be in a relationship with him, I just do not want this guy as a client. There was no reason on paper for me not to have him as a client. But I could just look at him and he irritated me, you know? And so the reason wasn't I was trying to fix all the wrong things. So I figured I had the insight if I want to get out of this conflict, what I've got to do is I've either got to decide that I want to have a relationship with this guy or I've got to turn him loose and move on, you You know, and because I was jumping through hoops. I'd do some of this, I'd doing some of that, and it never seemed right for both of us. And what happened here is that I decided to let him go. You know? I went to him and I said, you know, I'm probably not the best guy to take care of your needs in this area. I don't seem to be tuned in really to what you need and what you want here. And here's a suggestion of a couple people that may be able to work with you in this area. And, you know, the funny thing, the minute I did that, he didn't irritate me anymore. and i can't tell you how many times i my bad behavior with people or my conflict with people is just because i never asked myself the simple question do i want to have any kind of a relationship with this person you know or if it's a case where i where i've semi got to for some reason then i've you know then i need to at least acknowledge that know that myself and know what the problem is. So I'm not always spending my time trying to teach the pig how to sing. Anybody, by the way, that wants to add their own experience as we go along here, you're welcome to do that. Now, number four here and incidentally, because of constraints of time here, I'm going to be doing this in much less depth than what we would do it otherwise. But to just give you a taste of this, because it's had such an impact in a positive way on our group and a lot of people around it. I can't believe it. As a matter of fact, last January we had a workshop on this. We know how to bait alcoholics, so we titled the workshops, Using Spiritual Principles to Heal Relationships. And so if we'd said traditions, I don't think many people would have shown up, but they would show up to find out how to heal relationships. And we got somewhere between 60 and 70 people, and they stayed there all day for this. We had two experienced women on the panel and two guys with experience on the channel and a variety of things. We had people, we had married people, we had single people, one was a single mom. We had People from kind of all kind of covering the gamut there and we wondered among ourselves well okay this went alright in the morning I wonder how many of these people will come back after lunch and just almost everybody came back after lunch. Found out that there's a real hunger for this and a real desire to get in dialogue in this because we're we all seem to be suffering from our our our inability in this area of relationships and many times is it not in our personal