Powerlessness and Surrender – Big Book Study – Part 3 of 7 – Don P.

Eight years later, Kansas Bureau of Investigation, a judge and a couple of lawyers and a good doctor were all sitting around saying, what are we going to do with this boy? Which was a familiar topic. There have been people sitting around in meetings since I was about five saying, what are We're going to Do With This Boy? I'm never real bad. And I am just enough off-center that it alarms people, and they have to have those conversations. What are we going to do with this boy? I'm a kid that my mother can say to me when I'm five, six years old. We used to go see my grandparents, and they lived out in the country in a little ranch in southeastern Kansas. And from the house, about a mile down the road and through an old cornfield was a river. And so parents would get us up on Sunday morning. They'd say, okay, you kids start getting ready for Sunday school because there were a lot of us. And so I would get all ready. And then my mother would say to me, son, stay on the porch and don't go to the river. And I'm thinking, okay. And I honest to God as I reflect on this many years later, I cannot tell you why I'm going down to the river. Nothing real wrong with that is there. Except you have to go through a barbed wire fence to get to the river. And I go through that barbedwire fence and I can hear something go rip, and I've caught the back of my shirt on the barbed wire fence. Now I've got to figure out how to wait to stand with my back to everyone for the next few hours until I can get that shirt off. And so we go through this whole drama, we'll call it that. The end result is my mother pulls the shirt out of the washing machine, and she says, Son, where did this tear come from? I said, I don't know. Cheap washing machine, I guess. Hell, I do not know. And my plan was to simply stay on the porch like I was told to do. See, I just cannot quite fit and do what I am supposed to do because I can't do the right thing because I don' t have the power. God knows I'd like to. I really would like to. So when I get down to this point, I look to where my life got to and the facts, they just build upon themselves again and again and over and over until it finally comes down that I have to get a real clear understanding. You know an old-timer has to be careful when you say that. Get a clear understanding how your understanding is as clear as it's going to be to you. My understanding that I had today, I keep talking about a clear understanding or clarity. A lot of that clarity comes with passing time. The truth of the matter is that I looked at this about 10 years ago, 13 years sober, and this whole deal about God was very troublesome to me. I thought I had to have a relationship with God in order to go through the steps. I really believed that. I thought you had to be good in order for you to have that relationship with me. In order to have an relationship with god. Well, you can't be good. If you're good, you don't need to go though the steps and so I had great difficulty with this thing and I'm walking the streets of Denver late at night just and there's nothing worse than than the psychic pain created by a disconnection from the spirit you know that's what we have disconnect from the Spirit yeah, we're all alone I can't connect with you I can' t connect with the Spirit I can't connect with anything. I'm terribly alone. And when you finally reach a point where the aloneness is too intolerable, then at that point you are ready to perhaps concede that there may be a power greater than you. And it really doesn't make any difference what that power is or what it's like. Most of us have a conception of God. and I like what Don talked about when he says, you know, concept versus conception. My conception of God has very rarely stayed the same. I mean, it never stays the same for very long. And my conception of god today is so limited. My conception to god today is more limited than it was ten years ago. I'm now just beginning to accept the fact that god is and that he's got the power and it's certainly all the power that I need. And it just begins to get very, very simple. I can't do it. I really can't. There is a power which can help solve my problems and I think I'm going to give this thing... I don't have anything to lose. Have you ever been in that spot? I don' t have anything loose. What do you have to lose? My wife, bless her heart, she had listened to a bunch of us guys. We formed a little small group We were meeting in the living room of the house, and we were having dinner before the meeting each night that we met. And so we'd gone through as a group. We'd gone Through This Once. And so, we decided as a Group, we'd go through it again, but we would enlarge the Group if anybody else wanted to come. So, we had two or three other guys, wives, wanted to Come. So,we opened it up for them and anybody else who wanted toCome. and so we'd started through the book a second time. Now, my wife had seen with her own eyes the changes that occurred to these original group as they went through this process. She watched them. If you get a chance, ask her about it. She'll have a tendency to tell you the truth whereas I might sometimes lie a little. I don't intend to. Anyway, she had watched this, this marvelous change come about and people who live this way of life. And she was sitting in on that second group, and I'll never forget this as long as I live. In that little group there was about 12 or 13 guys and I don't remember how many Al-Anons. And she stopped. We were right in the very beginning of the book. She stopped us and she said, You know, I watched a bunch of guys go through this one other time. Now I'm watching another group go through it. She said, you know, you'd have to be crazy not to try this. You have to think on that a minute. You'd haveと be crazy no to try it. We'd have то be crazy non to concede that there might be a power in this universe greater than us. We'd haоt to be craоsy not to give in to that idea. That's the best thing that ever happened to me. And when all my defenses are gone and I'm really tired, The argument about, is there a God? What's the God like? What's my conception? Blah, blah, blah. The argument finally stops. The y'all butts stop and I'm tired and I am going to choose to believe that there is a power greater than myself and I'll call that power God and that's all I really need to know. That's all i really need to know because once I've reached that point I am really on a threshold and I m getting ready to go into something that's going to change my life, and perhaps for the very first time I'm going to have the opportunity to do what I've always wanted to do, which is I don't want to be me anymore. And there is a power by which I can be changed and that power does not have to be made. Because by the time I saw all of this I knew I didn't possess it. That's a bad spot to be in when you know I don' t have the power to change. You know you should change, but you can't. Your conscience grinds away at you over the things that you've done and the way you've lived your life, and you want to be better, and then you do not have the power to be any better than what you already are. And fundamentally that's what our little path is about, is finding a power which will solve our problems and restore us to a way of thinking where we don't have to do what we used to do which made it necessary to take a drink. Hallelujah! Every aspect of who I am must be part of this. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. All of me. The spiritual experience for me has been a unifying experience. I'm together. I'm not fragmented anymore. I'm with you. I'm in together with me and I'm togther with you and that's just kind of the essence of the experience. I'll put it even stronger. I am you and you are me. That's the experience Anything past that is illusion Now, I believe that ego deflation at depth is absolutely necessary But I don't believe it means we have to beat on anybody I didn't need any more beating I've been beat as far as I can go So, I believe that the doctor's opinion gives me the experience of ego deflation at depth like nothing else. When I finally accept that, I now have consciously accepted the fact there is one thing in this universe that I can't control. And that's all it takes to smash the ego. Well, I have a friend that got arrested about the same time I did. An alcoholic. And in his questioning, they'd knock him to the floor and he'd get up. And they'd knocked him tothe floor andhe'd getup. And he said one of the cops, when he was picking him up, whispered to him, Kid, just stay down. And he didn't have the power to just stay done. He had to get up. I understand that. I've got to smash that ego. And alcoholism did that. Isn't that a wonderful thing? There's one thing I have no power over. And then I find there's a second one. On page 24, it tells me about the second one. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. I don't have the power to keep away from it either. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable. That's another word for powerless. Unable. I do not have the ability at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first dreading. Best news you could ever give me means I can quit looking for them. Why waste all the energy? I'm without defense. The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. Somewhere else you talk about mental blank spots. And I truly believe those of us who've been alcohol-free and sober for a long period of time We're in far more danger. And we're in danger from the truth, not from lies. I've been here too long and I've heard all the lies and I'm used to all the lives. You're going to have to put together a real long package of lies to get me to believe it's okay for me to take a drink. We're both going to be in danger. We're going have to do a lot of work to have it come at me that way. But about 10 years ago, I was flying home from some sort of a deal back here. And I fly United because it's a Denver hub, it's easy, and because they treat me right. And this particular night, because I fly so much, I have a particular status with the airline that's based on numbers that I can be upgraded in the first class if they have a seat available. And I used to think that meant that I was special. What it means is if they can't sell the first class seat, but they can sell the one I'm sitting in. So they'll move me up front. They've already got my money and put somebody else back there. Sell that seat twice. It's almost as good as selling first class. Anyway, I was in fit spiritual condition. I was a fit emotional condition. I was fit mental condition. I was fitted. I'm headed home after a weekend with loved ones and friends I've done the job I was supposed to do for God that weekend and I knew I'd done it because some of you told me that's what I'd known so okay oh you're weird I was I love flying because I love flying I also use the aircraft as a meditation chamber Very few people are ever seated next to me. And it gives me an opportunity to read the books I don't have time to read at home because the phone's always ringing. Anyway, I'm up in first class now. They serve real food up there, you know. No plastic. There's cloths on the tables. It's really kind of neat. I wouldn't pay for it, but it's better than in the back. and it's an evening flight the lights are on the ambience of the room was majestic I don't even know what it means but it really sounds good everything was just fine I'm headed home to the family that I love and that love me. Everything's fine. And out of the corner of my eye, I saw the flight attendant pour this burgundy-red stuff into my seatmate's glass. And it caught my attention. Now, you have to understand, I do not have an alcoholic mind at work here. There's one tucked back in a corner I draw out to use when I need it, but I never use it for myself. It's of no value to me, personally. I don't think alcohol. I don' t see alcohol. I'm extremely vulnerable to alcohol because I don''t see it. It's not part of... I don ''t recognize it just automatically. It's n o t there. Isn't that a wondrous thing? God took that from me. But it makes me vulnerable. So I look over and the lights are hitting it. Oh, pretty. And my mind said, that really looks good. Now that was the truth. There's no lie in that. That burgundy red stuff looks good." Then my mind says, I bet that's really going to taste good too. That's the truth, why else would she give it to him? And then my mind say, I bet that's going to make his whole dinner taste better. That's why they give them wine. It cleans your palate. It has a function. It's not only going to taste good, it makes room for the tastes that are going to follow it. And suddenly a prayer began in me. I did not begin to pray. I don't know how to describe it for you. But a prayer became in me, and I've learned over the years when that occurs, I retreat inside to my little garden and I sit there and I get still until it's time to come out. And I realized in the silence my very next thought would have been I probably ought to have one of those and it would not have been wine. So, I needed at the beginning and need today more than ever a power greater than myself that cares and protects for me because I don't even know when I'm in danger. I'm like this going through life. And I want to stay that way of all the benefits that I have been given. I've been returned to innocence. I don' t know how to explain that to you. I've been in the dungeons, but I don't feel like that. I've never returned to innocence. So I'm very vulnerable. I'm like a small child. And I need watched over and cared for. It took evil deflation at death to get to that place, to be willing to say that is my state. I may have this outward appearance of competence if you believe that I've got some land down near Sarasota that's nice there's a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove? Yeah. That's me. I don't even have to interpret it, that's just me. And they go through a number of different ways of thinking that are so goofy, I love them. My favorite was, what's the use anyhow? I've already started it. Isn't that a beaut? What kind of a defense is it that finally shows up after the fact. I've already had one. Might as well go ahead and finish. Good defense. Let me sharpen that sword. When this sort of thinking is fully established in a person with alcoholic tendencies, and Bill's just being cutesy, he's probably placed himself beyond human aid. We're talking about my approach to this from the beginning. You can't keep me sober if this is true, singly or collectively. If you could, everybody who came here would stay sober. If 90 meetings and 90 days worked, nobody would be drunk again a second time. Nobody. I'm beyond human aid now contrary to that strangely enough God works through you that's fine but you individually or collectively can't keep me sober I can't either I canít, you canít we're kind of stuck aren't we we've got to have a power by which we can live somehow so I'm beyond human aids and unless locked up may die or go permanently insane well I've already died that didn't work. I'm locked up. That won't work all locked up means is locked up. I worked in the dish room in that penitentiary, that's where all the booze went through. I had to negotiate with the guys moving the boozes and make a deal. I didn't want to stop them. You couldn't anyway. I just wouldn't want them putting it in our lockers where if the heat came down it came down on us. And I had to learn how to negotiate with people who were quite willing to kill somebody to get their merchandise moved. It ain't no big deal. I'm a drug smuggler, same group. Different clothes, that's all. You negotiate. But I'm already locked up. And as far as I know at that time, I was already permanently insane. The paper said, sociopath type 2, psychopath, manic-depressive drug addict. That's permanently insane. The reason I was in the penitentiary is we had negotiated a plea bargain in my case. The state was wanting to cut me some slack. Instead of three years to life, they said if you'll plead guilty to a reduced charge, We've been talking to the feds. You're pretty sick. And the fed's have agreed if you plead guilty, we'll give you one and a half to three and then we'll suspend that and give you to the feds and they'll take you to Fort Worth, Texas to fix what's wrong with you to that big hospital down there. That's where I was supposed to go. All the power I had, all the power the state government had, and all thepower of the federal government meant that following my accepting those terms within five days I should have been in Fort Worth, Texas. And I ended up in a fish tank in the Colorado State Penitentiary instead. Because by the grace of a loving God and because I had surrendered, I was taken where I needed to go to hear the message I needed here and I didn't even know it. The combined power of all of us wasn't enough to pull off the wrong deal. Okay? It couldn't have been any better. So I'm already here once left to fight. I'm permanently insane. A sociopath and a psychopath are untreatable. That's why I was in the penitentiary. One doesn't know the difference between right and wrong, so you can't treat them. The other one knows the difference, just doesn't give a damn. And they're saying I'm both. The guy who made the deal changed his mind. He and I became friends later. He said he told them, there's nothing we can do for this one. Just get him off the street so he doesn't hurt anybody else. That's permanent. And you come along and say, oh, we don't think you're a sociopath or a psychopath. We think you are a good actor. Damn, give me some drama, will you? Let me at least be a little sociopathic. I can show you a psychopath back me in a corner six of you big guys I can show you a psychopath permanently insane and you will be too if you come at me in a quarter I'll jump anyway but there is a solution Old Tom O'Sullivan helped us along the way I'm trying to share with you some of the steps in my recovery They didn't all come through here Though they came through here He said, if you came here for answers I'm sorry, we don't have any We have no answers here If you need answers Just go out there on the street Stop any stranger. Tell them what the problem is, and they will give you an answer. What we have here is a solution. And if you will immerse yourself in that solution, you'll find your own answers. Kind of cutesy, but it turns out that way. And what is our solution? Well, almost none of us liked it. That's what it says. Must be a hummer. Self-searching, leveling of pride, confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. Oh, shit. That's a lot of work. And I had just done that. I had taken the most in-depth inventory I have ever taken in my life. and what I found I had to kill. And now I'm going to be asked to do that again? I already explained that to you. One from the darkness and one from the light. Leveling of pride. I'm not even going to get philosophical about that. It has to do entirely with what I deserve and don't deserve. I deserve nothing. I have no rights. I gave them all up years ago. My ambition has been taken care of. I don't have any. I mean, I'm un-American. What do I want to be when I grow up? Don't want to. Thank you very much. Met two adults along the way. Didn't want anything they had to offer. They were too serious. Did you ever meet an adult? They're serious. That's what they say. Pay attention. I'm serious. and confession of shortcomings that is so namby-pamby it's just disgusting shortcomings I'm a high profile gangster what do you mean shortcomings look in my mind and see the madness and you want me to talk about shortcomings and defects of character. What a sissy outfit this is. But if that's what you require, okay. And they told me we have a way of doing this by the way that works. When we saw that it really worked in others and I saw that and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we'd been living it, absolutely, hopeless and futile. Cannot do it one more second. When therefore we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, did you hear it? The problem's been solved. And that puts an end to, oh well, it's because I'm alcoholic. I'm only human. Bullshit. I didn't mean to offend anybody past the second row. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools later at our feet. The whole business is about spiritual. And the tools I'm going to get are spiritual. Maybe I'm a spiritual being too, if that's what I'm gonna get to use. Maybe. I don't know. I began to get some clues that that was the truth. It says in here that I'm one of God's children. is God spiritual? Then I must be too. The great fact is just this, and nothing less. Please don't settle for anything less than this. Our experience, we of Alcoholics Anonymous, this is our great fact. Nothing less than that. We've had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life toward our fellows and toward God's universe. I get a whole new way of seeing the world, of thinking about it, of feeling. It doesn't mean all the old things are gone. In fact, I like some of them. Some of the ways of feeling and thinking are so goofy that when there's nothing good on television, just strap me to my chair and let me run. Okay? Right, Alvin? Absolutely. Make sure I'm strapped down tight. the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. This is a living power. Where I am, God is. That's all I need to know. The rest will fall in place. That's our experience. He's commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. That's a pretty hefty problem. There's some depth and weight for you. Do I want that? Beats a sharp stick in the eye. I would be insane, truly insane, to not want to try that. Right, Jerry? I agree with you. Now, if you're as seriously alcoholic as we were And I've got to tell you Every time I've talked about alcoholic I watch heads going like that If you were going like this If you went like that during anything either of us said Don't give up your chair Because we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution Oh, shit Here we go again I'm a middle-o'-the roader yeah if you're in this lane you gotta duck this way if youre in this line you gotta duct that way if you are in the middle of the road they just go right on by you don't have to do a thing just stand there don't move just stand here they'll duct you we were in a position where life was becoming impossible yeah and if we'd passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could. And I don't know about you, but I reached a point where alcohol did not blot out the righteousness of the intolerable situation. And the other was to accept spiritual help. And I have to do that without knowing what the hell I'm talking about. It's an act of faith. I don't believe you can acquire faith. I think it's just something that's there. The big book shares with me that deep within every human being is a fundamental idea of God. and that that's where I'm going to find it. That's where they found it. That's what I will find. The great reality is deep within, so I can quit looking out here. Once I find it here, then I can see it out here, but I'm to quit looking for it out there because this is where I am going to find it, deep within. Scary proposition. Does that make anybody here nervous? I mean, to get through that first level or two in my mind. That's scary. But I've got to go through there because if I don't go through there, I can't get to the other. I've blocked it over. Since we block it with pomp and worship of other things, I love the pomp because I are one of them. I just love being pompous. It's so much better than being arrogant. arrogant people get to wear snooty looks pompous people get to wear robes with fur on the collar and they don't even have to look arrogant, you just know I'm right I'm willing to admit I may not always be right but I'm never wrong and there are other do we have some more pompous people here pompous asses on your feet that will stop me from having a spiritual experience because it insists that I already know what's best. I truly believe I've been on a spiritual search since I was small. I've always known it would be a spiritual answer. The idea that I can be restored to a state where I was sane and sound, which means in touch with the Spirit, is part of this whole process. My sponsor said, well, assume you went insane about two seconds after birth. Well, then we don't have to track anything down. Let's just start from the beginning. And the big book goes on to use terrible words like reborn. What a nice thing. The thing is, if you're fairly new, you need to understand that being born or being reborn, any birth process doesn't feel good. We talk about spiritual awakenings like they felt good. Haven't had one yet that felt good? Bill's didn't feel Good. First thing that happened after his big boom was he called a doctor in and says, Do you suppose I'm still sane and sound here? This doesn't Feel Right because it feels different. And it will always be that way. I get tickled on myself because I'm constantly involved in this process of changing and growing and letting the Spirit move me where the Spirit wants. And I get all cozy and comfortable and then wham! It feels like wham until I just relax under it. the suggestion was we suggest you forget everything you think you know about anything because nothing has worked so far forget spiritually about spiritual matters you don't have a clue let it all go let's go back to the beginning to the freshness my memory doesn't always work I didn't tell you all my favorite story about that no, that was two weeks ago There is a gorgeous human being in California His name is Ken Devaney If you ever get an opportunity to hear him talk Please do His presence just fills the room with love And his words are great carriers of that message Anyway, Ken talks about this piece By telling the story of the little three-year-old girl When her parents brought home the new baby brother Good kid And they bring the baby into the house, and from the very beginning, the little girl says, can I spend a little time alone with the baby? And they're not sure what's going on here. They're a little nervous because she's so small. So over the next few weeks, they, with supervision, let her hold the baby and watch how she interacts, and she keeps saying, can I just spend a few minutes alone with my baby? And finally, they let her go into a room. They put the baby in the crib, let her in there with them, shut the door. She dashes over to the crib and says, Quick, tell me about God. I'm beginning to forget. We all know deep within us what this is already about. It's covered over with pomp and worship of other things and fear and things we think have been done to us, and the unfairness of life. Oh, I love that one. It just isn't fair. Well, it's not supposed to be. And I cover it over with all that. I have rights. That's a pile of mud about that deep if you're looking for that little golden glow down inside. Okay? My views of God when I'm in that state are very simple. It isn't God that I'm talking to, it's Santa Claus. Gimme, gimme, gime, gimi, gimes. What are you going to do for me today? Well, it is true, isn't it? At my best in a self-centered state, all of my prayers are going to be self-centered. It is just the nature of it. I will go so far when I'm being really self-centered as to pray for you. Come on, tell me that isn't self-centred. I'm going to pray that you get everything I want. I'm sorry. That doesn't make any sense to me. I will pray that God have his own way with you if you ask me to. I'll never make that prayer unless you ask, because the answer is that one. You may not be ready for that one yet. So I've got to let go of even my own conceptions of God. He destroyed them for me. What a merciful day. He'd have me tell him something about what I believed about God and then he'd just wipe it out. And I ended up screaming at him. You're asking me to turn my life over to the care of nothing. He said, well, why not? Nothing can run it better than you've been doing it. And he nailed me again. I don't want to get off on a long tangent here because I've got a three-hour track we can go on. I'm going to unplug that for now. For now. For now, huh? But, someone asked me a short while back, do you believe that God is love? And I had to honestly answer, I certainly hope not. Because if that is all God is, it's going to be based on my understanding of love. And that's how I will relate to it. My understanding is so minuscule that it must not be just that. I must also tell you I believe that's one of the best manifestations I see of the power of God. But it better be more than that. So I'm out of the defining business. Okay, reveal to me. First reveal myself to me and then reveal what you have in store for me. Then reveal some strength because once I know what you have in storer for me I don't want to do that. So the question is not anymore what is God? Where is God that's where we're coming to and do I even want to have a relationship it tells me here I can have a relationship built on easy and understandable terms do I want that not in my self-centered mind because that means if he's really present here he knows what's going on in here and I am cooked I don't want anybody looking in on that particularly not God and these aren't the killer thoughts this isn't pouring gasoline on people and setting them on fire this is that chicken shit stuff that goes on in my head it just makes me ashamed of myself do I really want it? the big book suggests actually they cream us in here they have us say the prayer before they warn us, oops, before you say this, you might want to think about it for a while. We're headed for the third step prayer, obviously. I think we ought to take a break and think about that. Because I believe if you really say that and mean it, you are now on the boat and you can't get off. You can't. You can die. You can drink again, but you can never, ever forget the taste of the power of God once it's hit you. Okay? And it's a taste. One of the old books described it that way. And they shall hunger and thirst after righteousness. Well, you get a taste of this. You think Southern Comfort was good. Well, then you taste this. So my suggestion is that we just consider that and see how far we can get with that. We'll hopefully say the third step of prayer all together. Then we'll just go into some little technical stuff that we do with inventory, some viewpoints. You all know more about it than we do because you write a lot more inventory than we did. Well, you do. I've talked to a bunch of inventory freaks. So, what do you think? Fifteen minutes? Twenty minutes? How long is it going to take for you to decide that you're hopeless and want to talk to God about it? It's got to be a two-cigarette break. All right. Two-ciggarette break time. Well, once again, as we move down this little path toward our own discovery, we ask ourselves again, Once I start drinking, do I have control over the amount that I drink? or once I decide to stop, can I stay stopped? It doesn't take a real rocket scientist to answer those. The alcoholic mind says, yeah, but... Yeah, but what? God, we've had a lot of fun when I was up in Rhode Island with these folks in Massachusetts. Yeah, But What? Well, I was always, I set my expectations too low. I didn't treat myself good enough. We've had a lot of fun. But let's just take one last little look at this thing called powerlessness. When we drank, did we find that we had little control over the amount that we drank? You know, I saw this thing about the phenomenon of craving that never occurs in the average temperate drinker. And I had trouble, as simple a thought as that is, I had problem with that because I thought, well, hell, I just don't recall ever having craved it. And that's pretty simple because most every time I drank, when I was ready for the second one, I had it. In Christ, I'm a lover of the happy hour where you get two for one. I've got some other folks who know what the happy are is. Good, Alky's in here by God. You know, the best happy hour is when you can get two per one and when you're about halfway through the first one, you get to, you got about halfway though the first when you start to find the waitress to get the next two, aren't you? Yeah, that's what we do. Do you think of that as being at all off-center, just a little off-centered? I didn't think so at the time. I really didn't. So for many of us, and that's just one little symptom. I talked earlier about the progressive nature of this illness. over time it gets worse so over time it takes more medication see there's a little deal out there that people used to say to me Jerry you've got a problem with alcohol Jerry you got a hell of a problem with this booze and you know what I'm 23 plus years sober and I will tell you today and it sounds like heresy to some of you I don't have a problem with alcohol God almighty it was the best solution I ever found it really was And so if you say to me, and I'm on the front end of this deal, and you say, Jerry, we need to talk about your drinking. That's not what you're saying to me. It may be what you think you're seeing to me but what I'm hearing is far beyond that. What you're going to talk to me about is how am I going to quit and when. And I'm at a point in my life in those days where I'm thinking, you can talk to Me about anything you want but not about not drinking. In fact, the matter, I reached a point where I was trying to figure out how to. I really did. I went through this exercise for about six months. I was try to figure how to not drink, but drink. You've got to do something. You've gotta do something but 13 years sober the drinking problem far behind me now i want to be careful how i say that because i'm a fellow who clearly understands in my case i was relieved of the obsession to drink that choice i didn't have a choice to not drink for many years and i've come pretty clear on the fact that today I don't believe that I have a choice to drink. So the drink-choosing thing is not a deal for me. I don' t even get to think in those terms. But 13 years sober, I had to finally come to, because I became fully acquainted with the seriousness of the progressive nature of the disease, the terrible terror and the fear and the terrible depression and the horrible disconnectedness that goes with the disease of alcoholism when it's left untreated over any period of time. I got to get clear about that. And so, I had to read this little thing here. It's on page 44. It says, To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live life on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face. And they're not, are they? Anyway, what we get to do, we get the choose between everything we have ever held dear in our entire life and die an alcoholic death or give it all up and go into uncharted waters. That's for me. I want to go do that. I'm a guy who tried to control every feeling I've ever had. This feeling I don't like, so I change it this way. This one I don' t like, so I jack it over this way and this one's not good enough, so I Jack it up. Higher intensity. You know, I jack with my feelings and I don''t, you know... And so to ask me to give all that up so I can go out here into the unknown, it's not an easy alternative. And often one of the things we do as sponsors is allow the person in the room and the space to make their own choice. You know, most of us are so, I've got to be careful how I say this. Sometimes we have a tendency to want other people to get this before they're ready to get it. It's like Don talks about helping them across the street, but they don't want to cross the street. It's not an easy alternative. Sometimes we, one of the things that I think in terms of sponsorship is always to meet them where they are. and then I will stay with them where they are until they're ready to come on down this road if they want to. So, we're faced with an alternative. Am I going to do this or not? I'll tell you a funny little story about the third step. I told this a couple of years ago and some folks here like it. There's some of you who haven't heard me share this thing about the third step with you. I remember I told you I was having difficulty with my inventory and the fourth step, and so I went over to the Tattered Cover Bookstore in Denver, Colorado. Nice big bookstore. Has a beautiful self-help section. And I'm not anything if I'm nicht thorough about self-health. I mean, I can talk to you about Scott Peck and Bradshaw and the inner child, and we can just go on ad infinitum. So I found a book over there, and I thought this is what I need, and sure enough I thumbed through that and I got to a page, I think it's page 37, it had my personal Bill of Rights listed. And I thought, holy cow, I did not know I had a personal Bill of Rights. And so I start down through this personal Bill of Rights, and I got a bunch of hockey's who are telling me I've got to be rid of my anger. And I see this book in my personal Bill of rights that says, considering the way I was treated, I have a right to be angry. Hell, that's a lot easier than writing a stamped inventory, isn't it? So man, I'm just loving this. Man, I race home and I read these over and over, and man, I'm starting to feel better. And if there's anything an alchee likes, it's to feel good. And when you feel good, you stop doing everything. But I thought, well, you know, being the magnanimous, I do have a magnanimious spirit, so I called my sponsor and I said, listen, I don't think I'm going to have to do this inventory stuff that I'm having so much from. He says, why not? I said well, I've got this nifty book. Now what I'm thinking about as I'm sharing this with him is And I'm going to race back when he hears what I've got for him. He's going to like it so well, I can race back to the bookstore, buy a copy number two, and go give it to him. And so I say, I found this personal bill of rights. I didn't know I had it, and I feel a whole lot better understanding now that I have it. Well, he said, you don't have any rights. and i said what he said and i can remember it as though it happened really truly yesterday it's not just a figure of speech i can't remember that i had a hard time breathing it felt like somebody somebody had put a stiletto right in into my lung i just it It just hurt like hell. I thought, what do you mean I don't have any rights? And he said to me, he said, we gave those up in the third step. Oh. Needless to say, the son of a bitch did not get a copy of my book. But listen to the answer again. We gave those up when we took the third step. Confrontation with a solution or truth with love, either one. We gave them up, meaning that he had given them up too when I gave them Up, just like I gave him Up. It's not that I'm out here all by myself. No, he's not sharing with me or suggesting that I do anything that he hasn't done. We gave him up. Perhaps of all the gifts I've ever been given through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and by guidance from the Spirit, nothing has been quite so nifty as the concept that I have no rights. Because out of that I got very clear that this is a bonus time for me. I do not deserve to be here. I did nothing to deserve to have sobriety. I'm not a chosen one. I don't know how this happened, and I may never know. I don' t know, except that I got terribly beaten. That' s as close as I can come to telling you why this has been given to some of us. We get terribly beaten, there' s no place left to go, have no rights. I thought I might share, just before we take the third step, I thought, you know, that might be apropos that we take a look at what are we doing here? We're going to give up our rights? Well, that's your call. But if I look back on page 42 of this book of ours, there's a little deal that says quite as important was a discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. What a heck of a deal. Everything I have ever been looking for, I've discovered here in this little way of life that we have in what you might call just the spiritual path. Everything. Quite as important was the discovery The spiritual principle solved all my problems. As I moved on down this deal and I got ready to take that third step, I had great difficulty. I believe, and I don't know if anybody else believes this or not, I believe if I took this third step prayer, see, I get confused on spiritual matters. Just to show you how goofy I am about the term spiritual, I thought if I do this spiritual stuff here, that means I'm going to have to live without a woman and I'm gonna have to Live in Poverty the rest of my life. Well, didn't you ever think of that? Yeah, you can't be rich and be spiritual. You can't get a looking woman and be spiritual. That's what I was taught. I mean, I'm dead in the water. I see pretty girls, and I think, God, there goes another one. And I thought, I can't do this. But when we reach that point where we are sure that we are beyond human aid, I say, what have we got left to lose? Not a thing. Not a thin. But even with that in mind, I had to take one more look at it Because I saw something in here, and I needed it desperately. At the front end of the steps, it says, We stood at the turning point. We ask His care with complete abandon. We stood to the turning part. We ask his care with completely abandon. The idea of embarking upon a spiritual path was terribly, terribly frightening to me. There was a certain amount of discomfort, and I did not know then what the discomfort was. I'll tell you today what I believe the discomfort is. I believed that I had already been touched by the Spirit by the time I got here. And my little old self was so shabby, I couldn't stand me being in touch with anything as pure as the Spirit. And that created a certain discomfort. and today I still believe that I believe if I start down a road of doing something that I should not be doing that discomfort comes back it's called God consciousness if you want to know what it is we get conscious of the spirit and early on it's uncomfortable at least so it was for me but then I'd live kind of a shabby little life you know you start lying when you're three and a half that's not that's the best way to get into heaven we stood at the turning point we asked his protection and care with complete abandon but I did get a deep understanding and again we talk about this not being a technical thing it's an experiential thing and I had by the time I was 13 years sober experienced this simple little fact I am an alcoholic it. I know that. I've also known my whole life that I am beyond human aid. I have always known that. I've had people just say to me, and they mean it, they've delivered it with all the love in the world, they say, Jerry, what in the World is wrong with you? Just tell me. And And you try to explain it to them, and they say, God Almighty, can't you come up with something better than that? And you've just given them your number A1 explanation. I'm on some kind of a different frequency than they are. But I can take any one of you out here with 24-hour sobriety, and if I talk to you about, I'm talking about the guys now, and the girls, you probably have your own situation. but if I tell a guy I understand what it's like to be afraid to ask a girl to dance remember what that's like terror isn't it terror they're standing over there I'm standing over here that's 20 miles over there and I know what they're going to say when I get there if you're a real alcoholic you'll say this simple thing Jerry I understand and I'll know that you do if you're not an alcoholic you'll say things like oh that's silly silly it may be but it's my reality it'smyreality so I am beyond human aid and by the time I got to the third part of that little deal it was so very simple and clear God can and will if I seek him It doesn't say God can and will if I find him. See, there's no caveat there. If I just seek, just seek. And today I've been doing this for a while, I'm still just seeking. Just a seeker. Just a seeker. And I am beginning, I will tell you, give you just a little hint, I am begin to see God in more and more and more things all the time. Don't want to miss any part of this experience that we're having. So, that's the deal from that standpoint. So I'm asking God's protection and care with complete abandon. But I know what the deal is and why I need to do this. And the truth of the matter is we're never clear about why we need to do this in the sense that we'd like to be. In retrospect, by the way, that's a nice little thing I'll share with you real quick and then we'll get on to the third step prayer. We may sound up here as though we know precisely what's happening, when it's happening. That's bullshit. God, I'm glad he used that word because I love to use that. When he was being so nice, I couldn't. I know three to six months later what was going on now. Oh, that's what was happening. And it's always so enlightening to see that occur. Like I say, when I had my personal rights taken away from me or learned that I'd given them up, that was a painful, painful process. I mean, I cannot describe to you the pain that was associated with that day. And yet, that was the greatest gift that I've ever had. Greatest gift that i've ever have. And most of my spiritual gifts have come just that way. I did not know what I was receiving when I got it, and it was a terrible experience. Well, did you ever have any idea that when you were an alcoholic you could do something like this and recover from it totally and completely and wake up in the morning and the sun was great? You know, I've awakened before when the sun would shine and it's a beautiful day and there's kind of scenery around us, and I thought, God, this sucks. Yeah. Today, a lot of days, I don't always see things still as clearly as the same person. I call Don once in a while, and I love to call him on nights when he's taking care of the grandkids. And Jackie's been working three 12-hour shifts, and so she's tired. And the grandkid's just screaming and crying and hollering, and I can hear things going on over there, and then I start laughing. I think somebody else's life is as messed up as mine. Cry at the wrong time and laugh at the wrong time, don't we? God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Isn't that a beautiful deal? I was trying to do this prayer one time and I was getting ready to do it in all sincerity and I said to a dear friend of mine, I said, you know, I look at this prayer, God, I offer to thee to build with me and do with me as I will. And I said, you know what? I don't have anything to offer. I haven't got anything to offered to God. And the guy was one of the most spiritually guided fellows I've ever known. And he said to me in a heartbeat, he said, that's what God wants to start with is nothing. and our dear friend who's no longer with us now and I can use his name and not worry about anonymity or a violation of anonymity old Bob White out of Lake Whitney, Texas used to say many of us have to be reduced to nothing before we get called into God's service same thought God I offer myself to build with me and do with me as thou wilt relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Listen to that. To those I Would Help. This deal isn't even for us, is it? God, I want this to be for me. I ain't going to go through this stuff without something in it for me! God, if I do this, will you give me a girl and some money? If you do, I'll be all right. That brings up another story, and I will not go down this road at this time. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. If I love thy power and thy way of life, may I do thy well always. No amen there. The beauty of this deal is that there is so much power in taking this prayer together. I have seen it over and over and many of you have allowed me the great honor of doing this with you. And it has brought a richness to my life, and you do me great honor to allow me to even consider doing this with you again, and I would love to do it as a group. How do you all feel about that? Well Matthew, the Pope of Cincinnati just came in. Stand up Matthew. You know, that's one of the glories of living this way of life. We have history with people from all over. And they show up at the damnedest places in the damneddest times. The prayer process begins with the invocation which simply means the acknowledgement of the presence of God. And that's done by calling Him by name. We're establishing a relationship on easy and understandable terms. If I want Jerry, I'll call Jerry. If I'm Brian, I call Brian because I can expect an answer. Ours is no different. our prayer process here begins with the invocation. I'm invoking the presence of God. He's here anyway. By saying it, I acknowledge that. Amen in spiritual terms is the closure of that prayer process. So be it is what that means. What we just did is so. It's an acknowledgement that since God said He'd be here and do that, it's done. I've been going over this for a long time and I do not find an amen at the end of the third step prayer. The first one I can find comes at the beginning at the very end of what we call the seventh step prayer, which is nothing but the third-step prayer with teeth in it. So I have concluded My view is that from the Word of God to the Amen at the end of the seventh step is all part of the same prayer. Prayer now becomes action and activity. It takes me out of being gimme, gimme ,gimme because this process is about let me give, let me gives, let my give. I offer myself to Thee. Don't come to Me. I'm coming to You. My sponsor, as I told you, destroyed all my conceptions of God and left me with nothing except one last reservation. And he went for it. Truth without love is cruelty. And confrontation without a real answer is brutality. So I won't do that. but he loved me and he had a real answer so he didn't pussyfoot. He probed until I told him what my genuine concern was that if I gave my life entirely over to God, he had the job for me and I really didn't want it because I knew what it was already. I would end up at the corner of Colfax and Broadway in Denver handing out watchtower magazines and asking strangers, Have you been saved, brother? Listen, I had this plush apartment in cell B49 right in this penitentiary. I'm giving that up for that. I had a reference. I'm never afraid of the unknown, ever. I love the unknown. That's where the excitement is. What I'm afraid of is what I think is going to happen. What I make it up in my head. And I had a reference for that because as I grew up in Denver, there was an old guy. God, I'm one of them now. An old guy, brown person, still not in the corner. Brown shoes, brown pants, brown suit, brown tie, brown hat, brown attitude. Have you been saved, brother? And we'd drive by and make fun of him. And that's what I was really afraid of. Even for God, I will not be put in a position where He can make fun of me. I don't ever worry about do I have an ego problem. Yes, I do. Five and a half months before this, I'm dead. But I ain't going to stand on no corners. I had a very wise sponsor. He said, oh, well, let's talk about that. Now, you folks that are fairly new, when a sponsor says let's talked about that, please understand it does not mean let us talk about anything. The party's over. Rashid, I love you. He said to me, as he looked me directly in the eyes, Don, do you suppose that the guy that's handing out watchtowers down there today had breakfast where he wanted to? And I said, yeah, probably. And he said, well, you didn't. Hmm. Do you suppose that when he finishes making a fool of himself down there today, do you suppose that he's wearing clothes that he picked out to do that job in? I said probably. And he said well, you're not. And then he said do you supposed that when He's all through making a fools of Himself that He gets to go home? And of course I didn't. Now what he did for me was crack the wall opened my mind and escorted me, hand-carried me into my new mind and laid the foundation which is simple. It's implicit in the prayer we're going to talk about. Anything at all that God has in mind for me is better than anything at all that I will ever have in mind for me, period. that's it and I've been living that way for 32 years and I'm reluctant sometimes I didn't know you could be that I called God a bully one afternoon lighten up found out who the bully was wasn't him, it was me anything at all that he has in mind for me is better than anything at All that I will ever have in mind for me my very best thinking takes me to a point where I must kill whoever I am because I can't stand being that anymore. It's the best I can do. Good place to start from. That's where my third step starts from. There is an implicit awakening in that. If you heard me, you suddenly... Somebody woke up. I heard somebody wake up. like a crack of thunder. My relationship is based upon that. The whole program is based upon that from here on. Before I get up in the morning, I ask Him what He wants me to do today. And I'll lay there until I have to pee waiting for an answer. And if I don't get an answer by then, I figure that's what He wants me going to do next. Life is very simple. Then you ask him again, Is this all you had in mind? No. Brush your teeth. Get a job. Go to work. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever he has in mind is better than what I have in mind. At my very, very best, If there's ten people in the room, nine can get some good out of it. Somebody's going to get screwed. It's just the nature of me. When God's in charge, everybody in the Room benefits. Everybody looking into the Room benefits. Anybody that hears about what happened in the Raum benefits. There are no losers. So he was able to blend the desperation of needing to find an answer with the answer. Whatever is better than whatever. Well, my ego is such that I went back and contemplated that. He said, now go think about that before we say this prayer. And I decided I'm willing to go now. I'm ready to go to Cornwall, Colfax and Broadway and hide out at Watchtowers. I went back and told him that. He laughed at me. He said, that's really noble of you. But he's already got a guy down there doing that. He's probably got something else in mind for you And made it very clear I was to not ask What that might be There's no consequence Whatever it is Is going to be fine If you believe me We can go on and say that prayer Whatever it ist Is going be just fine And if you end up in Zimbabwe showing people how to take sweet potatoes out of the ground, give thanks to God. You ain't on the Jersey Flats drunk. Okay? Whatever He has in mind. Now if you believe that, we can say a third step prayer. If you don't believe that we're going to say it anyway. But you don' t have to join in. In fact I suggest that you don''t join in if you don't believe that. Never join in with real believers if you don't believe. It'll happen to you anyway and it'll piss you off. Jerry and I are going to say the third step prayer and we would invite you all if you wish to join us and then we can really get brilliant and show you to do this stuff. I truly don't think it makes any difference what position we come to God in, but it matters to each of us. How do you want to do it? Do you want just sit? We've got a big group. You want to kneel? You want go through the fall or all of a big circle? What would you like to do? I suggest we just sit still. It's all in here anyway. Amen. God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to deal with me as I know it. Believe me of the bondage myself that I've been bettered through thy will. Take away my difficulties that break away from your own hand and make their witness to those other than mine. By power, by love, and by way of life may I be with thy will always. Amen. Thank you. Thank you. Did you find that pleasant? That has been my general experience of any time that I'm visiting with God, it's a very pleasant deal. I don't know what other people's experience is, but I like that better than the booms. Thank you. Anybody want to share anything before we move on? There's a microphone there in the center, and there's a couple of them right here. Okay. For how many of you was that the first time that you were joined with a group in this prayer? Okay. Good. That was always one of the underlying fears. I'll do it in my closet privately. I've got an ego. I'm so ashamed of praying in public, somebody might think I'm praying in pubic. During this period, because the alcoholic mind is one that interprets and extrapolates and figures out, I use what is known as what I call a checklist method through this next part of the prayer. Which is the self-examination. So let's check ourselves and see if we are here at this point. All through here, at times when there's been a spiritual event or if we've done it right, there should have been, they describe a number of things so we know we're not clear off base. And over on page 63 at the end of the prayer, He says, we found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person. Well, we've done that. We've met that qualification. I believe there's at least one understanding person in the room. The book suggests perhaps a wife, best friend, or spiritual advisor. We've meant that. My wife's here. best friends here. I have several spiritual advisors in the room. They're being quiet at the moment, but they'll get me. But it's better to meet God alone with one who might misunderstand. The wording was of course quite optional so long as we expressed the idea voicing it without reservation. We met that, we voiced it. And I think we are the funniest people in the world. As long as the wording is optional, I will say it with a these and a thou's. If I've got to say it with a thee's and a thou's, I ain't going to do it. Just the nature of the beast. You may not know it, but it's going to be a you instead of a thee. I'm just not going to comply. We had one fellow, a little workshop we were doing in North Carolina. When we came to this, he said, for me, this is too private and I would prefer not to join with the group. And so he just stood outside of the group It didn't make any difference in the energy. It didn' t separate him from anybody. The power of this prayer is so strong and the unifying spirit is so strong, it really didn' d matter. And we just went head on. And if you feel that way, good. Nothing wrong with that. This was only a beginning. Wait a minute now. We're tampering with my illusions again. I thought a personal experience with God was the end of the road. And now you're telling me it's only the beginning. Yeah, this is just the beginning though if honesty and humbly made in effect sometimes a very great one was felt at once. I felt a great effect. Peace. Pleasantness. Never thought that was a good effect. It always had to go... Did you all have any effect? Sometimes it was a great one. Was there enough of an effect you'd like to go on and tackle the work? Which, by the way, I don't even like that. We, unfortunately, have created a group of monsters. He and I. None of you. Who've got everybody doing the work. Meaning the steps. The steps are not to work. The steps of the preparation for the work, It's the work of alcoholics.