Ninth Step Calls to Old Girlfriends Showed Me the Disease Was Still Running Me Sober – Phil S.

Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speaker Meeting at the NAVA Club where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one or more years of sobriety will tell his or her story. Gentlemen, I'm about ready to introduce, we'll be telling his story tonight. He was a part of my home group for a long time, still is, and we've known each other for years. He has helped me greatly in my personal sobriety. I'm very, very proud to call him a friend and a friend in AA. And with that, I'm going to give you Phil S. Thank you, Jeff. Thank you. My name is Phil, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm not known for my booming voice, so if you have trouble hearing me, just heckle me. There'll be a lot of that going on anyway. Thank you all for being here tonight. It's been a while since I've told my story. It's probably been seven years. And I have added to my story in a good way for the most part. I'm not always the person I want to be. But I'm... I'm certainly much, much better than I used to be. The short version of my story is I went to my first AA meeting in November of 1984, and my sobriety date is February 16th, 2005. So there was a little bit of a gap between my introduction to AA and when I finally decided I would actually become a member of AA. You know, I... I... You know, I go to a lot of meetings. I hear people sharing about their childhoods and how terrible they were and the conditions were bad and all that. And I... I actually cannot say that. I mean, I... I had a pretty good childhood. I... My parents didn't drink. I've never seen my parents drunk or even close to being drunk. Fortunately, they're still around. I'm very lucky to have them. There's a little bit of alcoholism. In the family, certainly my mother's mother, I think, was an alcoholic, but she was sort of an undeclared variety, and she sort of kept it up until she died at 83 or something. So my father's father drank heavily, but the story was that he'd gotten in a bad car accident and his wife told him that if he continued to drink that she would leave him. And the story is that that was enough for him. So, I mean, I think he's one of those people that the big book describes as, you know, as a heavy drinker, but if something happens that's severe enough to make an impression on them, they can actually stop. I was not that type. I was always the other kind. Hey, Terry. As I said, my childhood was pretty happy. I remember being kind of an anxious kid, but... I... I... I... I sort of got through okay. The only thing I've thought about recently that was kind of maybe a hint that something was unusual in my character was, and this may be common to a lot of kids, I don't know, because I've never had kids or raised kids, so... But I had this rocking horse that I called Sherry Horsey. I named her after Sherry Lewis. I had a crush on Sherry Lewis. She had the lamb chops puppet. And so I called this horse Sherry, and Sherry was this thing mounted on springs and a thing, and I just rode the hell out of that thing. I mean, I just... I got on that thing, and my parents tell me that I would get on this horse, and I would rock on it, and I would keep going, and they would sort of, as it got close to bedtime, they would sort of see me starting to nod off on the horse. And they would stand next to the horse and catch me as I fell asleep and fell off. And, you know, I do have some visual memories of being on this horse and just kind of staring at a bedroom wall or something and just rocking. And they used to go to bed, and it would be dark, and they'd say, you know, we're going to bed, Phil. You coming to bed? No, I'm not coming to bed. I was on the horse. So they'd turn out the lights, and they'd hear the horse rocking for a bit. And then it would stop, and then they'd hear running to the bed, you know. So anyway, I guess the thing was, I think this felt good to me. I mean, I think in some way it felt somehow reassuring, and it was kind of a thing that I start to wonder that whether I was just sort of genetically predisposed to, you know, if something felt good, I just went with it and took it as far as I could take it. And that's... And that's panned out with a lot of things in my life, and it certainly was the case with alcohol and other things. But, you know, as a kid, I remember getting messages that drugs were bad, you know. And I was a Beatles fan from the time I was really tiny. And I remember, you know, when they went psychedelic in, you know, 67 or so, and they started growing mustaches. I saw them on the Smothers Brothers show, and I was just sort of... And my mom said, oh, yeah, they take drugs now. And I remember just being devastated that the Beatles took drugs, you know. It was just like, oh, my God, that's horrible. And I remember being in school and getting some courses about drugs and things. And so it wasn't like I didn't, you know, didn't know about the adverse effects of drugs on people. But something happened when I was adolescent, and I really don't know what it was. I mean, I think I got into junior high school, and I started feeling a little less uncertain of myself, and I wanted to fit in. And around the age of 13, I experimented with something. And this was in the early 70s, and it was much easier in my hometown to get other things than drugs. And at that time, it was to get alcohol. So that was kind of how I started when I was 13. I really didn't have a taste for alcohol, I was going to say, for many years later. It was probably three years later, you know. It was like two years later that I, you know, it's like it didn't catch on right away. And apparently somebody gave me a beer when I was three, and I took a sip, and I immediately threw up. And when I was 14, some friends and I got a... You know, like one of these little plastic squirt bottle things, and just... I raided my parents' alcohol cabinet, and I drank more of their alcohol than they ever drank, definitely. And so I filled this thing up with a variety of things. And we went out, and two friends and myself, and we just went out to the little neighborhood park and passed this thing around, and I drank it pretty fast. I mean, I drank pretty fast. And I... Went home, and I remember being in bed that night, lying on my back, and just vomiting up in my face and down, you know. And I could have aspirated. I mean, something bad could have happened, so I peeped all over. And my parents came in, and they said, have you been drinking? I said, no. No. And that was it. They never said anything about it after that. And I remember standing in the shower, and I had... You know, puking my hair, and I had, you know, 70s kind of long hair, and curly hair, and bouncing around in the shower. And I was sick for three or four days after that. I was just stuck in bed. I was just really beaten up. So that put off drinking for about another year or so. I mean, I was doing other things. And so I went through high school kind of with a group that... I saw it as kind of a niche group. I mean, I was kind of an athlete, and I was a decent student, not a great student. And I was kind of a doper drinker, you know. And I didn't really fit into either any of those categories distinctly, but I sort of saw myself as kind of a renaissance man. And I had this special category, and I had a few friends, and we were this way. And that's kind of how I went. I went through high school. And the day I was supposed to go to college, I was getting in the shower. My parents were going to drive me to college, and I heard a knock on the bathroom door when I was in the shower. And they said, Philip, get out of here. Get out of there. Get in here. And they had found some materials in my shoes that I'd stuck under the bed. And I came out, and my dad was lying on the bed, and he had this stuff on the bed. And he said, you know, either you're on your own or you're coming with us. And they were moving out of the state at that point. So my college career was interrupted briefly, and I ended up moving from Michigan down to Texas with them. And so for kind of a year, I was, you know, mostly drinking. And then, you know, really after that point, after high school, there were a couple stretches where I did some other things. It was mostly in. It was mostly an alcohol-related career that I had. And while in college, my drinking certainly accelerated. And I was the oldest child. My parents were both sort of, I mean, they weren't even born in a hospital. They were born in houses. They would go back and visit their hometown, and they'd say, I was born in that house. I would say, holy shit. I was born in a house? And they grew up on farms. And so there was this, I was the oldest kid, and my dad was a chemist. And so there was this sort of upward mobility kind of thing. You're our oldest son, and we think you should be a doctor. We think that's going to make, you know, you can be your own boss. You know, it'll just be great. And so kind of early, at an early age, I was, that was just kind of what I was going to do. And I really didn't. I didn't give much thought about what career choice I might have. That was just kind of what was in the cards for me. So, you know, as time went on into college and stuff, my mentality was, you know, when I get to medical school, I'm going to have to stop this. I mean, I know there's no way I can be in medical school and drink like I'm drinking. And a few years later, when I was in medical school, I would think, you know, once I finish medical school and I'm in residency, and I'm in the hospital and I'm on call all the time, there's just no way I'm going to even have time to drink. And then once I was in residency, I thought, you know, once I finish and I'm an attending physician and I'm taking care of patients, I'm just not going to have time for this kind of thing at all. And, you know, and basically what happened was I, you know, I refined my drinking. I mean, I, you know, I had less time to drink, but I maximized my use of the time. And, you know, I typically, I wouldn't eat all day long because I wanted to have an empty stomach. I wanted to hit the ground running. I wanted my blood alcohol level to go up quickly. And that's the way I drank for a long time. And, you know, meanwhile, I was doing all these things that were, you know, I was doing all these things that were, you know, sort of looked good to my parents and other things. And, oh, yeah, I got married in there somewhere. And it was really ill-advised from the start, you know. She was, you know, she was not at the top of her game. And I certainly wasn't at the top of my game. We got married and, you know, I remember drinking on my honeymoon the entire time. I remember being, you know, drunk at my wedding. And, you know, it just, you know, it didn't go very well from the start. And, you know, by then I had gotten into residency and my drinking got even crazier. And after a couple of years or so, she just said, you know, either I move out or you move out. And so I was always, you know, the gallant one. And I said, oh, you know, I'll move out. I'll move out. So I moved out and, you know, lived in a basement apartment and drank and tried to drink. And, you know, I'd go into the hospital. And I remember one morning going in, you know, like at 7.30 for rounds or something. And I, my group that we were, you know, the other docs and we were going to make rounds and stuff. And I was coming in and I had a cup of coffee. And I was going to join them and my hands started shaking. And it just got worse. And I got self-conscious. And I, you know, I threw coffee everywhere. And the looks on their faces were like, holy shit. You know. What is up with you? And the amazing thing about that part of my drinking life was that nobody ever really said anything. Nobody challenged me at all. And I would sometimes drink in the morning before I went to work, before I went to the hospital. And I know I saw patients. I remember seeing people in medical school and being drunk. Or going home at lunch and drinking and coming back. And riding up in elevators. And holding my breath, you know, from the first floor to the eighth or ninth. You know, because it was full of people. And I didn't want to exhale on anybody and stuff like that. And nobody ever confronted me except one time. And a guy said, told a friend of mine that, you know, he thought I was overdoing it. And he said when I was in there in the morning, it smelled like he had a lot to drink the night before. And I said, oh, yeah, yeah, that's good. I had had a lot to drink the night before. And the truth, you know, of course, the truth was that I drank in the morning, you know, before I went into work. So, you know, I was living alone. And finally, when I was a third-year resident, it sort of hit the fan. And I was, you know, I had some people that were kind of watching me in Colorado. And they put me on Anabuse. And I was taking Anabuse first on my own. Which was... It works very well, if you've ever tried that, taking your own Anabuse. And I had a girlfriend at the time. And she was a physician, too. And I, you know, these Anabuse were generic. And I was looking at them one day, and I thought, these look so ordinary. And so I just, I took all the Anabuse out and put aspirin in the bottle. And she would give me an aspirin every morning before I went to work. And then they... They caught on to that, of course. And then for a while, I was going to the methadone clinic. And they were giving me crushed Anabuse. And they would watch me to make sure I drank it. So I was standing in line, you know, with the methadone people for a while there. And eventually, I just said, what the hell? I'm going to try to drink on Anabuse. And I thought I could, you know, I'd had a lot of education. And I thought, you know, and I drank. I tried it out once. And I kind of got red. I got blotchy and a little bit wheezy. And I thought, well, you know, maybe if I just take some antihistamine and use some inhaler before that, I can drink. So there were times when I was taking a bunch of Benadryl and loading myself up with inhalers and drinking. And, you know, it wasn't pretty. I mean, it was, you know, I couldn't go anywhere because I would get these red splotches that would swell up. I mean, you know, I looked pretty scary. So I couldn't really go anywhere. And it just, you know, it just wasn't good. I mean, you know, you just, you get, you know, accumulation of weird chemicals in your body. It was just, but I kept it up. And finally, these people who were watching me in Colorado said, you know, you have to go into treatment. I said, you know, probably I can just go to outpatient. And they said, no, you have to go inpatient. I was like, why? And they said, you're drinking on anabuse. You know, you need to go into treatment. So I got, I went to inpatient treatment in 1987 and got out and actually didn't drink again for almost five years after that. And I got introduced, as I said, I got introduced to AA long before I went into treatment. I went to my first meeting. I went to AA in 1984 because my first wife wanted me to go. And I bought a big book. And the people at the meeting said, after the meeting, they said, you know, buy a big book. And you want to go, it was like Sunday morning. They said, we're going to go to another meeting. You want to go with us? And I thought, are you fucking crazy? I just went to a meeting. I just went to AA. I'm not going to go to another meeting, you know. So I got into AA. I got into AA a little more seriously after I went into treatment. And I was going every day after work, a 545 meeting in Denver. But I wasn't, I didn't have a sponsor. People had offered to be my sponsor. And I said, okay, sure. And then I would never call them. And I was seeing a shrink. And I thought, you know, I could just see a shrink. And I was on an order of anabuse. I was taking anabuse. Again, that was given to me by my boss every morning to make sure that I got it. And I don't know, one day in this meeting, I shared about something. And I shared about my psychiatrist. And there was just this collective groan from the room. These were some, like, hardcore old-timers that didn't believe in anything except AA. And I just thought, you know, you, you know, I don't need this crap. And I did not go back. I went back to an AA meeting after that. And that was probably six months into my recovery at the time. And that was the extent of my involvement with any kind of 12-step work at all. And I continued to see a psychiatrist and take anabuse. And there was a period of time that I had to stay. I had to stay on the anabuse and see this guy. It was like three years. And I made the three years. And in the meantime, you know, my life got a little better because I wasn't drinking. I wasn't a whole lot better. But my life had gotten better. I was working. And I found a nice woman. And I remarried. And things were good for a few years. Actually, I was very, you know, happy for some of that period of time. But there came a time, and I don't even really know what went into the decision to drink again. But one day, I just decided, I think it would be nice to have a, just, just a half pint of vodka, wash it down. And so, I think it was like November of 91 or something, maybe, and I drank then. And she was like, what are you doing? You know, what is, what is this? I'm sorry, you know, and all this kind of stuff. And at that point, I wasn't being monitored in any way. So I was kind of, you know, out of the, out of the hands of the authorities. And that began my career. I started drinking under the radar, and I, I did that for a long time, did that for a long time. And this poor woman, very nice, smart woman, I was married to, put up with it for a long time. And she, she really, I mean, she loved me, but she never turned me in. She never said anything to my family or to her family. All of them knew I was alcoholic. You know, I had the label. I, I, I carried the label for a long time. So, and I always threatened, I said, you know, if you turn me in, I'm going to lose my job, you know, blah, blah, blah. She was in grad school, and I was helping her pay for school and stuff. And so she never, she never said anything. And I went on for a long period of time drinking. And it was, it was, I had different patterns of drinking. It was not all blackout drinking. I would go periods of time and not drink, like a couple months. and then drank, but eventually it got really bad again, and I got to that same old point that I'd gotten to in my first marriage, where this woman said to me, either I move out or you move out, and I said, oh, no, you stay, you know, you stay in the house, I'll move out, you know, this kind of stuff, and so I went through that whole thing again. It was the time of my life where I used to, every single day I'd get up, and I'd be hung over, and I'd be miserable, and I would just sit there, and I would think, what am I going to do tonight, you know, what's going to happen tonight, and they would be things like, I'd wake up the next morning, and she said, you know what you did last night, and I said, I don't know, she said, I came home, and there was a pan on the stove, and the burner was on high. And the kitchen was full of smoke, and there was nothing in the pan, and you were passed out in the bedroom. So there was stuff like that, and we all had, you know, bad things, but, so I was living on my own, and of course, you know, I only got worse, I started having, you know, I blacked out all the time, but there was one blackout in 2004, I remember drinking, and on a Saturday, it was a Saturday. Super Bowl weekend, and I started drinking, and I woke up on my bed, on my back, and I looked at my cell phone, and it said 6.45 a.m. Monday, and I was like, Monday, no, it can't be Monday, I mean, it can't be Monday, and it was really Monday, and I don't know, I don't know, I was in an apartment, and I missed the Super Bowl, I missed Janet, I missed Janet Jackson, dang, that was the year of that, so I never got to see that, and, yeah, talk about adverse consequences, and, and I was scared, you know, it scared the crap out of me, and I got going that week, and I had a lot of pain in my shoulder, what's going on, so I went to the, my doctor, and he did an x-ray, and I went to the doctor, who was in the radiology area, and they put the x-ray up on the thing, and I could see it from across the room, that my, snapped my collarbone, and this, this was on Thursday, that Thursday after that weekend, and I had absolutely no idea how I broke my collarbone. I don't think I left the apartment, but I guess I, I could have, but I don't think I did, there was nothing broken in the apartment, nothing knocked over, so I, and to this day, I don't know. I don't know how I did it, but I broke my collarbone, and it scared me for a little bit, and I came back in here, and I, you know, I tried to get re-engaged, but I, I would say, as far as my drinking career was concerned, you know, I, fear sort of worked for brief periods of time, I would, I would do something, and I would just scare myself, or I'd get it, I got DUI once, and I thought, oh, man, I gotta stop, you know, but I, you know, I eventually, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, all the time, the only things that have ever worked for me, in terms of getting me into treatment, were, were coercion, and coercion by my employer, and it was the only thing that ever, that ever got me in, and finally, in 2000, late 2004, early 2005, I was traveling and overseas, and, and drinking a lot, and getting into trouble, and I used to travel overseas a lot, and when I would go... abroad for my job it was like you know gloves anything goes I was I didn't have to drink I could drink anywhere people didn't know my history and I got into a lot of trouble overseas I got I got the crap beaten out of me in Russia once ran into the wrong people didn't have enough money and I ended up being medevaced out of Russia and this was my job it was just like this big disaster and somehow I managed to you know keep it going but in 2005 finally my boss you know corralled me and said you know you've got to stop or we're going to turn you in and that was always the thing that had the influence on me it was this fear that I was going to lose my job and if I lost my job I was going to lose my career and if I wasn't a physician you know I just wasn't going to exist anymore you know and that that was really intolerable to me what got me into treatment basically was my my vanity and my pride you know I don't I don't you know I was used to camping and doing stuff in the winter and climbing and stuff like that so I knew you know sort of hardship in the outdoors the idea of living under a bridge I knew I could do it you know physically but you know the the hit that my image would take was what really scared me I mean it was like you know I could live under a bridge but you know what does this mean about my image you know what are people what are people going to think you know if I'm living under a bridge and that you know basically that's what got me into treatment was the threat of sort of losing this sort of propped up identity that I had and I you know that ran that helped me a long time I mean I think there were many times where I felt completely miserable and dejected and sick of myself and disgusted but I always had this thing of well at least I'm a doctor you know I always fall back on that you know and so when they finally said they were going to maybe take that away that was that was a fate worse than death to me and I guess you know I can thank my parents for that I mean I think they instilled in me very early that I needed to do these things and try to succeed and you know for a lot of my life I thought you know they put so much pressure on me and I've got to do this and you know at least let me drink and other things if I'm going to be your doctor you know let me have my party and stuff like that but I think they had expectations and they loved me and that just you know was a very essential part of me was to try to be okay for them I think and so I went into treatment I hated treatment I mean I'd been in treatment in 1987 this time they tried me in intensive outpatient which I thought was a great idea at the time and I went for a little while and then you know then I was drinking it went from like 9 to 3 and I'd get home at you know 3.30 and drink you know and toward the end of that somebody came up and said you know you have to go away to treatment for three more months and I thought oh my god this is like I can't believe I've got to do this my life is over and and and I really didn't have a choice but to do this and so I was you know I kind of threw a fit you know I shaved my head I was gonna you know I was like you know I was a victim you know I was getting hauled off to treatment and I look back on that now and I think you know how sick I really was because I went to this you know three months of treatment inpatient treatment that I didn't pay for that my job insurance paid for and I got a salary while I was in treatment and I was still bitching and moaning and whining and a victim that I had to go to treatment you know and I got into treatment and I started hearing these other guys saying I'm not getting any money I'm paying for this and I thought holy crap you know maybe it's maybe I don't have it as bad as I thought and so I got out of there and I was really at a low point then because I you know it was that point for me where I you know I couldn't see life with or without alcohol I knew that I drinking really wasn't going to be an option for me I was going to be watched and there was no way I was going to be able to do it but the idea at that point in my life of not having alcohol in my life was just completely unimaginable to me and I you know I was kind of suicidal when I was in treatment I you know got started on medication for that and there were times when I was in treatment I thought you know if X or Y doesn't happen by a certain period of time I'm going to kill myself and and I had a lot of strange ideas about what I wanted to happen after I got out of treatment a bunch of things that thank God didn't didn't pan out you know I'm just so glad they didn't turn out but treatment was very it was painful for me it's a very hard thing to go through and I fought it tooth and nail and you know certainly the recollection of that period of my life is one thing that keeps me keeps me plugged into the program because I really don't want to go back to that phase of my life again at all so I got out of treatment I came I came to NABBA I had come to NABBA off and on for years NABBA was always here there were periods of time where I'd go to the package store and I'd drive down Briarwood and I would have my bottle and I would look over and there'd be people standing out there and I thought jeez they're still there they're still out there couldn't imagine you know and and so you know AA has been so good to me it's been so patient with me and I feel like it's been always there waiting for me even though I know that's you know it's just in truth that's not you know AA is just fine without me but I feel like um I feel like it sort of stayed there for me and I I came back here the day after I got out of treatment it was a Sunday morning and I shared and I said I just got out of treatment I'm looking for a sponsor and after a meeting a guy came up to me and he said you know I've got a little bit of time and my sponsor told me that I need to start working with people so are you interested and I said yeah sure he seemed like an okay guy um I think I think he's I think he's here tonight somewhere in disguise but he's here and uh I was feeling bad enough then and I knew that I just I couldn't go on feeling the way I felt that I had I just had to do something because I knew I couldn't drink and I I couldn't stay the way I was I had to I had to do something and so I actually dove in to the program and I was like and I started coming to meetings here regularly and I started working with this guy and uh he was the first person that really sort of took me through the steps and um some people had offered to do that for me in the past and I just you know I just wasn't interested and I used to think that you know I kind of worked my own program in the past I would think you know I've kind of done a fourth fit four and five because I've I've I've confessed a lot of things to my psychiatrist and I've told them all this kind of stuff so I've kind of done a four and five and I've apologized to a few people along the way so I've kind of done eight and nine you know but this was the first time that I really got into the book and and did it in the way that the book described and it's really to my surprise it was much much easier than I thought it would be I had spent so much time making it complicated and difficult that when the time came for me to to actually do it it was just you know I stopped fighting I stopped asking questions I stopped trying to figure it out I stopped trying to figure out ways to make shortcuts and you know abbreviate certain things and I just did it you know and a big thing for me was and it's not always true for a lot of people but a big thing for me was doing a real written fourth step and I'd come to probably many many hundreds of meetings before I finally got sober and I'd hear people talk about a fourth step and a fifth step and you know I'd always hear the people that said oh you know I wrote a hundred pages you know on my fourth step and I covered everything and it took me forever and I was always so intimidated by the prospect of doing a fourth step and uh I I finally did it the way the book suggested and it's actually really pretty straightforward I mean you make some columns and you write some things down and you you know you just put your nose to the page and you know I was able to knock it off in a matter of you know a few weeks and I had a lot of trouble with the fourth column of course I mean I was very good at spotting you know what was wrong and what other people had done and that kind of thing I was I had a lot of trouble figuring out what my role was in a lot of things and so this was maybe six months into probably late 2005 and so I went on a car trip with my sponsor at the time and went out to see my folks in Colorado and we drove to Colorado from Atlanta and stayed out there and on the way back I did my fifth step and uh I started it maybe we were in Kansas and we drove straight through and I think I finished it when we were in Kentucky maybe or Tennessee and this guy was great he he really cared he really listened I'm not somebody who you know runs on at length about certain things I'm pretty short with my speech and I tend to be fairly you know circumspect and I don't elaborate a lot and he was great at helping me pull those things out of me and help me understand things better and it was a huge thing for me and when it was over I remember feeling extreme disappointment like I was completely disappointed because you know you read in the big book how you hear trumpets and you hear all kinds of you know things happen and you seek God and you're in the fourth dimension and all this kind of stuff and I felt really rotten after that I felt like what a rip off man you know did all this stuff and I feel worse than I did when I started and I was kind of rattled by that for for a little bit but you know shortly thereafter I something really changed in me and a lot of that was just you know finally I was truly a member of AA I felt like I had finally joined I had spent lots of years working steps in my head in a room by myself and letting go and letting God you know while I was sitting staring at a wall or something I never put anything into practice and it really wasn't until I got back in in 2005 and started coming to the meetings and taking action that I think I really finally started working two and three you know because I tried to do those you know theoretically on my own in isolation and you know I didn't get much traction out of that at all so it was really coming here so I got you know I stayed engaged and I you know did eight and nine and you know there's there's still a couple lingering there but you know the you know step nine was really there was some of the most powerful experiences I had early on in recovery was you know making amends to people I had frequently apologized to people but you know making an amend to them to me meant really having a very clear understanding of the wrong that I had done not just some vague sense of being a bad boy and I hurt somebody's feelings and I don't know why they're so upset and you know I kind of I had to really understand my part in it and how I had been hurtful and what was it in me that that generated that that problem and and coupled with that is you know if you have an understanding about what you did and you can be somewhat empathetic then it means you know it's not over that you've you've really got to mend your ways that you've got to you know carry this with you as time goes on I made I tried to make a few amends to people that were I think off the radar a little bit you know I don't think I necessarily shared that I was going to make these amends before I made them and they generally did not work out as well as the ones that I had discussed with my sponsor before I actually made them a couple of them were calls to old girlfriends oh I'm sorry and by the way you know how's it going and what are you doing and you know and I actually you know linked up with a few old girlfriends and you know I wasn't drinking but after a little bit of time with me they were you know they were like you know you're not you're not that much different than you were before and that's when I started to realize that that alcoholism although I would readily admit I was alcoholic from a pretty early age because I knew my drinking was just too abnormal not to be but the idea that I was still an alcoholic when I didn't drink that that that was in me and will be in me forever even if I don't touch alcohol was something that I was very slow to pick up on and you know again I was I didn't say you know part of in the 90s when I was drinking a lot I actually got certified in addiction medicine you know so I was actually working on a you know for Kaiser you know detoxing people and I remember studying for the addiction medicine boards you know with a bottle you know and thinking ha ha ha isn't this funny you know drinking and so you know I knew a lot about addiction and about medicine I learned a lot about that but you know it just didn't apply to me I mean somehow I was going to be I was going to beat it and I tried to beat it for a long time and um I was shocked that I couldn't pull it off but I couldn't I could not pull it off so we're almost out of time I've run on too long my life is you know the promises have come true I thought you know I would hear the promises and I thought well you know I didn't lose my job I still got a house I still got a car there's really nothing else I can have you know I've got everything and it didn't occur to me that that a lot of what you get in the promises are not material things you know it's not a house or a car or a job or anything else so what has happened to me are you know things that I would never have predicted uh most specifically I met a woman a couple well I met her early you know 2001 um but we were apart for a long period of time and we got back together she's got three kids uh I never had kids I'm 56 years old she has a an eight year old girl and twins six year old girls and uh yeah I know that's usually the reaction I get it's like oh my god you know how do you do it and uh it's weird you know I feel like you know I don't know maybe I won't feel like this two weeks from now but I feel like you know it's this God somebody has taken me you know in a path that I never would have thought I'd want or ever thought I'd get and it's it's been amazing you know I've really had a lot I don't know it's an unfinished thing at this point but I would just say that you know this is if you stay sober and do this thing and stick with it I mean for years I just thought no this isn't going to happen to me and I think it's finally happened to me and uh it really has and uh after they're with me next weekend uh for the entire weekend I may feel differently on Monday I don't know but anyway uh I thank you all for being here for listening and um thank you thank you Phil very much promises do come true first I slip and then I crash you rescue waking me