My Part and My Mistakes – Workshop – Glasgow Scotland – Part 6 of 8 – Tina W.

That's it, it's recording now, lock it. He'll wake up in a cold sweat and go BOOM! 501 C3, 3am. Pray for it baby. Since I've been praying too much for it, I'm waking up in the cold sweat at 3am? Yeah, we'll tell you about that in a little bit. Okay, so, now we're at step three. I mean, there's so much more to talk about in steps two and three, but we just don't have the time to blungeon you with it. But you get the critical nature of step two and three and why it's so difficult, why those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely get themselves. I think that's why we don't completely give ourselves is because we really don't know the depth and nature of what's wrong because we look at a lot of people who don't have this problem in sobriety that 50% of us do. And many of us are raced through the first three steps with people who don'T have this. And we don'T know. so it's incumbent upon us because once we start speaking to this through the heart, those who have this become attracted to us because you can't spot it if you ain't got it. And once we open ourselves up to this, people will begin to be drawn to you and then those are the people that were intended to help I think Trust me, I don't sponsor no Dr. Bob Types at all They spend about a minute with me and they go You're more intense than me. Thank you You want me to do what? Because I ask them to do what I do. It's not much. Moment of silence. Okay. Okay. As the book says, we have now gotten a list of our grocery... We're about to make a list of our grocer handicaps, but in steps 1, 2, and 3 we have uncovered the problem. Here's the problem, I have an allergy to alcohol that cannot be altered in my body. There's no cure for the allergy, the sensitivity to alcohol, so I can't drink safely. My life is unmanageable when I drink, but my life is even more unmanangeable when I'm sober because I'm powerless, I'm agnostic, and I suffer from an internal spiritual maladjustment for which there's no care but there is a treatment. But first, the treatment can't be applied. By the way, steps 4 through 9 are not the treatment. Steps 10, 11, 12 are. Steps 4 through 9 relieve me of the results of the worst of my problem in steps 1, 2, and 3. So steps 4 through 8 clear away all that which separates me from me, God, and you. And so step 3 is the launching pad for the real work. And we're going to skip through it in this session. we may carry some of it over into tomorrow morning because I don't want to I just happen to believe it's too important this camp on so we'll get as far as we can we may not get through 8 and 9 today we may save that for morning but I would rather do that than feel like I left here and pushed too much through so pounds over alcohol my life is manageable times two because of alcohol and because I'm emotionally powerless due to my agnostic inclination and my aggnostic temperament. I believe that there's a power greater than me that can restore me to sanity and AA has three and I'm going to offer them to you for now until you get your own that's sufficient if you have not got one. There are three... Excuse me? Do you want me to flip the board? No. There are 3 AA approved gods of which I use all 3 feel free to borrow because these three gods have freed me from the bondage of self in relation to alcohol and alcoholism the first one is G.O.D good orderly design I have turned my will and my life over to a good orderLY design and in the big book that says that is the 12 steps on page 27 we have a design for living and it's a good orderLY designed says the book the 12 steps G.O.D. number 2 good orderly direction G.o.D and the 12 in 12 when I become willing to take advice and accept direction now how many of us get direction and say don't tell me what to do we interpret direction as being told what to do, I got it and it immediately engages self-sufficiency but it says in the 12 and 12 when I become willing to accept advice or take advice and accept direction I will have then set foot on the path to solid honesty straight thinking and genuine humility so until I'm willing to take advice and accept advice I have not set foot on the pathway that's in the 5th step of the 12 when I have become willing to take advise and accept direction ok how many of us read the big book and don't follow the directions or we cut them short or I know a guy who does the four step version that's not in the big book doesn't do a big book four step and all his minions do the four step this way which means they have to stay in that course of action their four step has nothing to do with the big books he created these seven questions and that's how you do your fourth step. It's not AA, but it works for them. None of my business, but it's not the AA way. Hazelden has a guide to the fourth step, so if you want the Hazelton promises, use their fourth step but don't expect ours. All kinds of people have different ways to just slightly modify it. What I want you to know, if you've got these notes, I promise you, I've not deviated. It's right out of the big book in the 12 and 12 in the history. I had my ego wrapped to it. That's why it took 20 years to get it out. So, I have come to believe that the power of God is in myself. The first God, G-O-D, good orderly design. Second one, good orderedly direction. We get that from the big book, the 12 and 12, our sponsors and other successful members experience. And the third and fourth, well there's actually four. Third is kind of a humorous thing. G-o-d group of drunks. See, when I'm with you, I'm not with me. And conversely, when I'm out with you I'm left with me and I'm not alone. I'm a group unconscious unto myself. But the real G.O.D. is good orderly discipline. We get good order discipline by accepting direction from the design for living. It's all 100% congruent. It's all consistent. The three G.o.D.'s that I've chosen are all consistent and they make up the triangle of which is the three legacies of AA. Good orderly design, the 12 steps. Good order direction. Big book, 12 and 12. Can we get any better good orderly direction than that? And it's pretty much AA approved, isn't it? And good order discipline. I think in the book it says we let God discipline us in the way we just outlined in this book. in other words we have two disciplinarians God and John Barleycorn nobody else is our disciplinarian God and John Berleycorn how many of you know what John Berlecorn is it's booze, whiskey so with that in mind now we're going to be asked to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God so I'm going to turn my will and my life over to the spirit of AA through the directions in the big book to 12 and 12 sponsorship, AA experience and at the same time I'm going to pray to this other God that I hear about but I'm gonna plug into the one that was handed to me through that power I invite you to do the same if you like because I've got all the power I've ever needed right here not just the people but the three legacies of AA I plugged into that and we're gonna show you tomorrow morning how we actually live that as a way of life daily and we plug into it daily because this is a daily reprieve, isn't it? How many of us treat it like it's a weekly reprieved? Bi-weekly. Monthly. Bi-monthly. I know lots of people that they take steps as needed and they wonder why they're like me. Okay. So, I got 12 questions I want to ask you to make a decision to turn your life over to the care of God. Bear in mind some of the stuff we've talked about this weekend. these same 12 questions are the 12 questions Dr. Bob used to surrender his cases you had to answer these questions with Dr.Bob and if you answered any of them no he stopped right where you said no or you hesitated he stopped and took you back to the first three steps again and again and again until you answered yes to all 12 and he didn't preempt you by saying by the way if you don't answer yes we're starting over he didn's tell you that because then you'd have said yes just to get him over with So I'm going to read them to you, and you want to play along? Okay, number one. Have you learned, have you conceded to your most self that you are alcoholic or that you might have alcoholism? Play along, unless you don't believe it. Do you believe, or are you even willing to believe there is a power greater than you? Are you convinced about the proposals we've set forth in steps 1, 2, and 3? That's a tough one after this weekend. Are you convinced any life run on self-will, including your own, can hardly be a success? Are you convince that your troubles are basically of your own making? Oh, here goes the disease concept right out the window. That these troubles arise out of self and that you are an extreme example of self-well run riot. are you convinced your selfishness is killing you and that you must be rid of this selfishness are you convinced there's often no way of getting rid of self entirely without the aid of a higher power you think you can get rid of self without taking the 12 steps some people try to pray their way out of it because they think that's what's going to do it you know it's like you can go into a garage and pray to have a tune up and your car won't ever start. You want to tell that little story about the cake? Cake. Cake. Baking a cake. Oh, yes. That was fishy. It kind of follows Wayne's story about having no answers in the big book but only directions and was it Clint Hodges Patrick that used to tell that story? Clint heard it from his sponsor and so Clint has passed away so I get it and his sponsor called or sponsee had called him up with a problem and incessantly same problem and Clint told his sponse to go and find a recipe for a chocolate cake and read the recipe so the sponse did it and called Clint back and said okay I did it and Clint said great now read that same recipe for the next 30 days every single day memorize it and call me back so the guy did it he called him back on the 31st day and he told him the memorized version of the recipe for the cake and clint told him great now why don't you cut me a piece of that cake so essentially the directions are in the big book but unless we take the action necessary to follow them we don't get the results that we're looking for you got something and sometimes it's something else and if we alter that recipe I don't know what we get but it's certainly not cake now that was the key part right there wasn't it how many of us tried to alter the recipe to our own taste I thought I put salt in there instead of sugar ok so I'll go back to that are you convinced there is no way of getting rid of sulfur I'm going to tell you about the aid of a higher power. Are you convinced you have to have the help of a higher power? Are you convinced you have to quit playing the role of a higher power that it really never worked? Are you convinced that a higher power, God as you understand him, is going to be your director, principal, father and new employer? I'm going to put an adjunct in here. Are you convinced that you can get the direction you need from the AA big book in 12 and 12? A lot of people don't know that. remember the big book and 12 and 12 both have directions there are people who would tell you there's no directions in the 12 and12 we're going to prove to you tomorrow there's directions throughout step 10, 11 and 12 remember where they said lay aside prejudice in the big books lay aside prejudices but how much prejudice is there against the 12 and 12 how much prejudices are against the history of AI how much prejudices being created by outside about us today we're almost 75 years old oh my god who else has got the record we got it doesn't exist are you convinced you have thought well about taking this step yes say yes or no are you convince you can at last abandon yourself utterly to God as you understand him now what that means to me is that I am prepared and willing completely to give myself up to AA as a way of life. I don't mean putting my bed in a meeting and staying there I mean here, there at home where it requires a demonstration everywhere I go I am willing to the best of my human ability to take these principles everywhere I goes and live with them that's what it means to completely give myself to this simple program. And isn't that simple? I don' t got to add in all this other stuff just steps 12 the 12 traditions when I get a little more mature and then the 12 concepts when I'm even more mature to help establish AA as an entity that's going to long term if you answered yes to all 12 questions you are ready to take step 3 are you ready? would you do that with me? ok, God I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help thy power, thy love and thy way of life may I do thy will always there's no amen and there's a reason there's and there is a reason there's not no amen because it is the opening of the power needed to get through 4-7 there's an amen after step 7 prayer that's a petition like St. Francis when we get to step 11 And that's a petition for the power, the grace. By the way, how many of you know that grace is actually defined as power? No, God's grace is actual power. In biblical days, grace is power. So we all have grace. But many of us don't access it because we don't have knowledge of, access to, connection with. How important is that? Agnostic. Knowledge of, Access to, Connection with. I'm connected. I have access I have a new knowledge I'm plugged in powerful stuff but I'm still agnostic I'm just not acting on it I'm treating my condition isn't that amazing and I don't got to go anywhere else to treat it the doctor's office is right here and the doctor is in okay now step four we're going to do four, five, six and seven and then I think, to be fair to us, we'll do 8 and 9 tomorrow. I don't want to leave thinking I cheated you. Step 4. Made a searching fearless What's that word? Moral. I don' t know about over here, but in America they're taking that word out. The treatment centers, the experts. This is not a moral problem because they're trying to They think that there's a moral stigma. There's not. It's a social stigma and it's about being a drunk and a bum and so society has a stigma on us don't they? And so they started throwing this disease word around so they quit with the stigma but the truth of the matter is is sometimes the good is the enemy of the best and we have the best spiritual malady we have to best illness of the mind and the emotions and underlying soul sickness we don't need to improve on that does that not capture it all? why do we got to improve upon it? just so society doesn't have a stigma once again we're being people pleasers as a society we're more concerned about what society thinks than what worked here and so I am personally going to stick with 10% dis-ease physically 90% spiritual malady and that is treatable, not curable and it starts right here, right now made a searching fearless tell you what now that I know what's wrong with me I'm not afraid I am not afraid to get with step 4 I'm just not I know what I need to do and why so I'm going to make a searching fearless moral of right and wrong conduct moral inventory of myself and then step 5 is admitted to God to ourselves to another human being I suggest you read the directions in the big book it tells you how to pick them suggests who to pick for your fifth step and I may or may not share some experience with that tomorrow but I think the directions are quite clear get someone you can trust if you have something of a legal nature that you need to divulge go to a priest or someone who's protected by the cloth so they can't rat you out I hate to tell you this but people in AA will rat you off for that kind of stuff it happened in New York a guy was at the podium sharing and there was I don't mean to be sexist by this it's just the truth two ladies from another program was sitting in that open meeting they heard the guy talking they picked up by what he was saying that this is the guy that committed a murder years ago and they just picked up enough out of what he said and they suspicioned it, they called the FBI he got arrested at the AA meeting he's now in jail for life now did he deserve that? well probably, he committed the crime but he never should have been arrested at an AA meeting never should've been caught at an AAA meeting because we don't do that to each other here We don't shoot our wounded. We have no opinion on outside issues. Do you hear what I'm saying? So if you've got something to say, general way only at the public level, in private, take it to your sponsor. If it's something that you have... I took ten things to a priest. My sponsor had me write out a list. He says, I know some of the things you did. I don't want to hear it. Write it down. You go to Cedars Falls, Iowa, and you give it to Father Pat. and then you come back to me and we'll talk about it in a general way that's just exactly what I did did that guy know what he was doing? because I've never once worried about anything getting out of my past if you've got anything, maybe it's cheesy to you, maybe its cheesy to me but it might be life and death to you the book has the directions and I want you to go by the book and your sponsor go by their directions step 6 and 7 we'll talk about that as Tina does her four step samples. We're going to cover resentment, fear and sex and I find it very interesting that Bill picked those three topics. Have you ever thought about that? Because I wondered why Why? See I'm a liar I went from liar to liar Why did he pick resentment, fire and sex? I mean I really did wonder why Of all the topics he could have picked, he's a bankrupt stock speculator. I wonder who picked them for him. I knew he didn't. But I did some research. Remember? Body, mind, spirit. Is that not our problem? Threefold? Body, Mind, Spirit. Mind is two things. Thought process and soul sickness. Got it? Resentment. Bondage of what? bondage of the mind when you're mad at somebody you can't get clear can you when you are really angry at somebody it just churns right in here doesn't it, it affects both blocks you off it obscures you from the needed power to live fear, bondage to what bondage to the spirit you know how you feel when you feel afraid you feel that little bubble up it doesn't feel good fear comes in many packages but that's bondage of the spirit and sexual misconduct what's that bondage of bondage to the body because that is the most dominant driving force we as human beings have because without reproduction our society would come to an end so I think we were built in to have that urge but in us it seemed to exceed its intended purpose just like everything else gets excessive or non-existent some people will find out they use sex as a weapon others will use it as a tool for trade happens all the time our job here is to get freedom from what freedom from the bondage of self steps 4 through 9 enable us to get free of the bondages of self by uncovering our resentments, our fears, our sexual proclivities, misconducts and in step eight, the harms we caused others. And until then, we're not free. And until them, we are not clear. So Tina is going to tell you a little background on what led up to her recent stuff. And then she's going to take us through three of her samples, one of resentment, one of fear, and one of sexual conduct. Yes? Yes. You look at me funny. What? I was thinking. Oh! I was thinkin'. So what did you want me to start with? A little background into what? Your first step. Your recent one. Oh, okay. um so my sobriety date is october 10th 1984 and i've done uh over the course of my sobrietty a lot of inventory work uh but never with the fourth column because i am literally a book thumper and turn that one off no i'm just kidding um so in the big book it doesn't have three columns on that nifty little picture or four columns it only has three and so the three columns on the inventories that I did were who I resented the cause and what it affects and I may or may not have over different periods of my sobriety paid attention to my part in those resentments and like I said I did a lot of inventory work one of the things that I inventoried ad nauseum because it kept coming up over and over again was one that I did a fair inventory with recently and in the big book it tells us that we list our fears and we review them we ask ourselves why we had them wasn't it because self-reliance failed us so I listed my fears and reviewed them and asked myself why I had them and it absolutely was because self-reliance failed me so I said yes and moved right past that um so 20 years later I've still got stuff swirling around and I've Still Got Fears going on that I'm not paying any attention to because by now I'm like the epitome of self-reliant and self-sufficient and self reliant self- sufficient people don't be afraid so I just bulldoze through them um so I had done a lot of inventory work and I had done resentment inventories on the fact that I was raped as a teenager by a biker and I shared that with my sponsor and I inventoried it over and over and again paying attention to my part and then what column is that? 4. Did you hear that? Column 4, my part, she got raped. That's going to become important in a minute. And I'll go into that a little bit further in the fear inventory. But I had done that inventory over and over again, and as a result of that, I got to, funny how that works, work with a lot of women that had been raped also. And so I was able to share that in a way where, as I was talking about it, there wasn't a lot of emotional like, ugh, left anymore. And because I wasn't overly emotional about it I thought I was free of it, and that I had worked my way through it. That's kind of funny right now. but like I said I was looking for my part in the workbook there's a page right before I think we get to the resentment, the fourth step about the victim's vicious cycle and my belief was that I was victimized but that I wasn't I was not a victim and my old idea about victimization and victimhood looked something like victim has no power in it if i admit i'm a victim i am powerless and i if you're agnostic like i am and self-reliant and self sufficient victim and powerless is bad so in order for me to bulldoze through that i can't acknowledge the fact that i've been a victim and so i did an inventory looking for my part in that rape and i came up with all kinds of nifty ideas about what my part was because i was 15 years old and i was out past my curfew it was the middle of the night and i was drunk and i wasn't dressed appropriately i was where i shouldn't have been i was hitchhiking i did get in the car so it was all my fault anyway and uh... and i went down to the police department uh... to make a report after i got home my mother took me down there they did everything they did and there were no consequences as a result of that so uh... about a year later i was actually raped again and this time i didn't even bothered to go to the police because I figured what's the use anyway and this is just what happens you got to accept it and get over it and so I took a different route which I'll share in another inventory. So as a result of the workbook meeting Wayne and like I said earlier just looking for little ways to adjust daily principles that I was paying attention to anyway I found something that was much more effective for me that let me go a little bit deeper dig a little bit deeper and get freed of some stuff that i didn't even realize i was still in bondage to so i redid a lot of my inventories my resentment inventories from before i got sober i did some fear inventories some sexual misconduct inventories we'll do an eight step inventory probably tomorrow and this was all brand new for me because my understanding of the eighth step was that it was finished because i already had that list from my fourth step so all I had to do was it was done already she wasn't aware that Bill Wilson had done another inventory an actual column inventory for step 8 with Father Dowling she didn't have that information primarily because she was obsessed with the big book which closed her off from all other literature and so I've done a little bit more inventory work with step 8 and then a new way to do a 10th step which I'll show you guys in the morning but right now we're going to do pretty quick resentment, fear, and sex and Wayne's going to read them, so then I'll just read this. Let's do resentment. Column 1. Here we list the name of a person, institution, or political life with whom we are angry, hateful, spiteful, vengeful, or harboring a grudge for it. That was my boss, Mary. Why? Here we identify and write the reasons we are angered, column 2. Mary told my boss that I didn't get my work done and she got me fired. How dare she? Yeah. Column 3. Does Facebook write it? Write it in the areas that are self-affected by the resentment. Is it our self-esteem, fear, security, including our pocketbooks, survival, ambitions, power, personal or sex relations that are being interfered with or threatened? It was my self-esteem, fear of losing my job and not having any money, my security for mental, emotional and financial, my survival instincts for safety, shelter and food and my ambition for money, power property and prestige. Again, in the workbook there's a little gyroscope right in here somewhere that has those different instincts because in the inventory it talks about when our instincts for security, ambition, and survival are threatened. So there's different ones. And security is mental, emotional, physical, financial, sexual, and social. And then there's some descriptions in the back that kind of spiritually explain what each one of those little subcategories mean. So I got to dig a lot deeper to figure out what actually was being affected other than just being afraid I was going to lose my job and have no paycheck. In the Dwellman's Law, Bill writes that this inventory work looks like it would be a buzzkill basically. But then he said it would become a moving and fascinating adventure. The more I learned about this is, by the way, this isn't self-knowledge. Self-knowlege and knowledge of my condition are two completely different things. I'm not trying to get to know myself I want to know what my condition is I want the knowledge of my condition so that this thing can work for me and for me it's fascinating I love this stuff it's pretty cool so ambitions for money, power, property and prestige and then personal relations with the people that I worked with now here's one out of 12 and 12 that returned this to spiritual malady write in any feelings of separation you are experiencing in relation to this resentment I was isolated, solitary, disunited and set apart. Remember earlier Wayne was talking about spiritual separation and there's five forms of spiritual separation which when I first started reading them I thought they were all the same because they deal with separation and they're isolated, withdrawn, solitary set apart and disunided and the differences of those are like if I'm isolated I keep myself apart from you guys I completely isolate myself it's like my son and I get in an argument and I send myself to my room I don't ground him but I go off and isolate when I'm withdrawn I step back or I completely disengage from another person Wayne was staying with me up in Hollister for a bit about a year ago I would have little hissy fits quite inappropriate to a 17 year old and I would get mad at him and I Would withdraw so instead of fighting with him I'd take off and go edge the lawn with nail scissors I clean the pool I mow the yard I'm weeding I just go get busy and disengage set apart is like an adult version of being abandoned did anybody catch that she said instead of fighting with him implying that I cause a fight instead of finding you may not it's so subtle her interpretation of talking is fighting so I ain't fighting with her which means any kind of discussion about any problem she doesn't like it's fighting because I avoid conflict at all costs and if he brings up something that I don't like I blame him and think he's fighting with me and I leave the truth is he's not see how that leaks by the way that was not an attack some of you might think it looks like that but it leaks out Like we're leakers. Like we leak. And if we don't get mentioned about what leaked out, it would go right by and she would have never caught that. It would have gone by. But it's important for this workshop that whenever we see something like that, we point it out so you can get a first-hand view of how it looks in real time. Go ahead. Because if you guys are anything like me, because I don't like conflict, I avoid it at all costs. Even after she creates it? I do. Because most of the time I am the one. The book talks about that. Crushed by a self-imposed crisis, I could no longer postpone nor evade. I create my problems most of the time. And so in an effort to avoid any kind of conflict or anything that's uncomfortable, I leave and go do something else so I don't have to contend with it. Or if I'm faced with it and I have to content with it, then I start the fight because I don' t want to deal with it So if I blow up at you, I'm either like completely passive or I'm off the hook aggressive. Then there's nothing in the middle. What does that mean about the problem? It never gets resolved because I'm dealing with ten other things instead of what's on the table right now. And we'll talk about that in another inventory. By the way, I used to do the exact same thing. It's just her turn to do The Inventory. So tomorrow we'll talked about a rule that's in place in our relationship and how that is applicable. So set apart is an adult version of being abandoned, separated from a group, shunned or alienated. Kind of like Wayne was talking about when he left that home group and 800 people all of a sudden wouldn't talk to him. We would still go to that group periodically and people would see him or us and go like this so that they didn't have to make eye contact and speak. It's ridiculous. But kids can be abandoned. Adults can't be abandoned, even though sometimes I think I can. I'm a big girl, and you can't abandon me. And then solitary is my favorite. It's self-sufficient, self-reliant. And I do this when I'm angry. I don't need you. Anybody else say that? I don'T need anybody. I got this. A perfect example is when my ex-husband and I divorced, I figured I didn't need a lawyer, and I would handle my divorce on my own because my law degree was sufficient. And unfortunately, I don' t have one, so it's really insufficient, and I didn't do well for myself. And then disunited is not being part of a greater whole or a breaking of a united front. Wayne and I in our relationship have a united front so anytime I'm contradictory I take shots, I contradict him I do something without telling him which unfortunately I do more than I'd like to or I should I'm breaking that disunided front and my actions have me feel disunated. so those are the different spiritual separations they're all a result of my own actions which is the kicker can you see how those can wreak havoc in our life yeah my fingerprints are all over that I have the same symptoms she has some people will say there's a difference between men and women alcoholics the only thing different is the package I don't care we have the exact same spiritual makeup and an alcoholic is an alcoholic and that's why we don't need special four steps for girls separate for boys separate if you're gay separate if your black there are people trying to separate all that stuff according to race, color, religion it's really interesting this is enough so those feelings of separation are the result of my own actions they're the prices I pay for violating spiritual principles And in this inventory, I was isolated, solitary, disunited, and set apart. And if you have a false emotional dependency on approval and validation, we will allow people to walk on us. We will become doormats and be okay with what they do just so we don't get disapproval. For example, Tina went with me to a meeting that I used to go to, one of the extensions of my home group. and I want to watch how I say this Tina went to the bathroom without me of course and three women followed her in the bathroom and gave her my fifth step she didn't know about telling her she shouldn't be with me and that was just two years ago and they were trying to break our united front they didn't know we had a united front now that isn't AA doing that don't get me wrong it's people who have a faulty dependency on another personality for their approval and that's what happens when you get into a human chain of custody so to speak a failty dependency and it's like that is not AA but it's all around and this inventory process will unplug you and that is why we don't do this alone because most of us who have any kind of faulty dependency once you're assured it's a faulty dependency and it's easy to go through these symptoms to find out most everything is not a faulty dependency but if you live in the syndrome you can bet that my my approval seeking and people pleasing and my validation is somehow hooked up with almost everything i do and that doesn't mean that doesn'T mean i have to pull away from the people in my life it means i have TO REMOVE MY DEPENDENCY that DOESN'T MEAN i have to leave the person it means I have to remove the dependency do you understand the difference In other words, I can stay with the same person. I've just got to not be dependent where I can be self-supporting if that's possible. Do you know what I mean? It's like I can't count on you for how I feel about myself anymore. I have to feel good within myself. Does that make sense to you? This is the road map. Steps 4 through 9 clears away the damage caused by my dependencies. And then steps 10 through 12 give me a new way to go. It's powerful. Go ahead. Okay, now. Writing a deep-freshening character is learning. Pride, anger, and sloth. Okay, Now. Now, here's what we're going to do. Notice, remember in the big book it says, Now, we resolutely look at our own part. Know what it says? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Think about it. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done to us, we resolutely look for our own part. Because isn't column 4 my part? It's not. That's been a myth input in our program for 25 years. There is no my part in column 4 anywhere in our literature. And that made Tina sick. When I met her, she was sick from what happened to her as a kid because when she did her race inventory, she manufactured a part in it because someone said column 4 is my part so to be a good guy she came up with her part in that rape I'm here to report to you she's a victim she had no part in the rape that's a violent crime but you know some people in AA told her to find her part because they believed column 4 was my part it is not the book says we resolutely put out of the minds wrongs are done to us we resolutly look for our own mistakes what's there between my part and my mistakes my part is an indictment my mistake is human everybody makes mistakes but she never had a part in that I was a criminologist no victims have a part period they're victims she had no part in the rape the other stuff that's mitigating circumstance so here's the logic that she was living in when I met her remember we was walking down a beach in Florida when she told me about that and I could tell by the way her head went lower and lower that it was still eating at her and she started telling me what her part was and I'm thinking, oh okay let me see if I get this right because you were scantily clad, you're out past curfew you were drunk, that you deserve to be raped and they have a right to is that what you're saying to me? I wasn't mad at her I was mad at the people that convinced her of that just so she'd do her first time and see, she'd never heard of them my mistake Chicago is that something? and I took her right to her big book she didn't know I was a reformed thumper and I said show me my part in the book out of Fox Anonymous and she looked at me and she said no need, it's not there I said right so now show them how to do that how do we put out of our mind the wrongs others have done to us so we can do our... See, most of us have been taught over the past 25 years by these people that do a big book study around the world. By the way, the one who owns the treatment program. And so in innocence, 25 years ago, he changed column four to my part because he thought it was a good idea for his treatment program and then he slipped it into AA. That's how it happened. And now for 25 years our fellowship has adopted my part. I can't tell you how many people can't do their fourth step because they're not willing to look for their part in anything. But I will look for my mistakes if it's not concerning column 2 and 3. And guess what? The big book says, putting out of our minds... Now, put out of your mind the wrongs they did you. Watch this. Wow! Now... Does that change you? Does that changed her inventory? Now she's looking for her mistakes with Mary not necessarily having anything to do with this at all. Was she selfish with Mary? Was she dishonest with Mary ? What was her mistakes with Mary, not with this? She's looking for her mistake with Mary. You think you can do that? Isn't that something? What mistakes? Now she can do column 4 resolutely. Here we resolutely look for our own mistakes. Where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or inconsiderate in relation to the person I listed in column 1? I was selfish because I was only interested in myself and my own self-interest, not in the welfare of the company. I was dishonest because I lied and I blamed Mary for my lack of action. That's that. List your most dominant and negative attitude. By the way, this is on 12 and 12 too. This is our lesser defects. list our most dominant negative attitude personality traits which were involved in or responsible for circumstances surrounding this resentment I was aggressive, belligerent deceitful, indignant irresponsible, jealous, manipulative and retaliatory and unfortunately I live my life like this because I act like this and I live like this all over the place not just with Mary because once I'm this I do this all the time Now, does that look like anything we talked about just a little while ago? Yeah. One of the God ideas we wrote up on the wall. Think about that. How this shows up in every facet of our life. That's how she treated Mary. And if she had looked at what Mary did to her, she might not have been able to be honest about her mistakes. Because if she's looking for her parts, she's probably going to try and manipulate that so it doesn't look so bad. Okay. did I cause harm if yes or why the exact nature of the harm caused was it their self esteem, fear, security survival, ambitious, power, personal sexual relations you interfered with the threat yes I did cause harm and it was her financial and emotional security her ambitions for power and prestige and her personal relations with the rest of our co-workers now those are the mistakes she made pretty easy to look at does not everybody make mistakes it's so easy to look for my mistakes but I have a hard time looking for my part I mean take my case real quick because I'll talk about it tomorrow after she does the eighth and ninth step I have resentment against one of my relatives for sexually assaulting me when I was nine years old and they tried to make me find my part in it and I tell you I looked I manufactured my part just to appease the big book guys who came through my town and did a big book study and sold us on my part. I've got to tell you something. I'm looking at his name. I'm look at column 2 and 3 and what they did to me. I lied. I made up my part just to fit in and belong and be part of it. And I stopped. I couldn't do it. I don't know. I didn't know why, but I lied and made up a part. I lied to you. That made it okay to my mom. We will do that, you know that. If you have a fault-independency syndrome going on, if you're like me, we will make stuff up to get your approval. When I changed that, when I found this, I was seven and a half years sober when I first found this. And when I changed that column to my mistakes, I zipped right through it. I had no problem because when I erased these two columns and had my Uncle Bob down there, the mistakes I made towards my uncle was easy to see. And because I didn't get to look at what he did to me, my mistakes with him, I could have easily said I didnít make any mistakes with Him. Look what He did to Me. That isnít what our book says. It says we look for our own mistakes. I got to clear away my side of the street regardless of what this clown did. Are you tracking? And every therapist I ever went to did not agree with this. Not a one. They all thought that they should be prosecuted. that I needed to turn them in so that I could get free. Now, I don't know about none of that stuff, but I couldn't find that in the big book. I looked. What it says is we put out of our mind the wrongs they did us, and we resolutely look for our own mistakes. And that's all I'm concerned with. I know they have their reasons for that, but I'm concern with the AA way of life. Does that make sense to you? Okay. Other than that, I have no opinion. Their program is their program. Ours is ours. Good job. Good job, huh? Okay. Look, I'm glad it's her doing that and not me. Okay, now she's going to do one on fear. Column 1. Fear relists the name of the person, institution, or personal life with which we are afraid. I was afraid of outlaw bikers. Why? Then. Why? Column 2. Why? Then did I attempt to rival self-sufficiency, self-reliance, being cocky, or being blustered, forgive me by your relationship fear of subsequent harm cause why do you have to fail me if so how so oh I forgot that one again darn it I gotta fix that before next time I was raped as a teenager by a biker I relied on self-sufficiency self-reliance being cocky and exhibiting bluster when I'm afraid I'm very loud and out there to keep you guys at a distance I was incredibly cocky I pretended like it didn't matter and it didnít bother me anyway, so what the heck. And self-reliant and self-sufficient. I quit depending on anybody. The second time that happened, I failed to go to the police because I got it. Donít need any help from them anyway. And thatís how. Column 3. In a space of right and rightness, there is yourself affected by this fear. Is it my self-esteem, security, pocketbook, survival ambitions, power, and personal sex relations that are being interfered with? It was my self-esteem, fear of losing control and for my physical safety. My mental, emotional, physical, sexual, and social instincts for security. My survival instincts for air, food, safety, and shelter. My power and prestige are both under ambitions. My ambitions for power and prestige and my personal and sex relations. And she'll parlay that into real life time here. pretty soon how that affected her life today. I don't mean today, today, I mean in real time. Because most of us think it's gone. When she did this original inventory, she was not aware of column four being my mistakes and she found her part in everything that ever happened to her or that she did. And unfortunately, that set in motion an emotional kind of quicksand. Do you know how many people that happens to? They're 10, 15, 20 years sober and creeps up. Tomorrow we're going to talk about the 12 and 12 on page 119 where it talks about those of us who have relationships in the AA. One of the things it says is be sure there's no emotional handicap so far hidden that it'll crop up later to interfere. How many of us, I'll tell you what, when I did my part, I didn't uncover hardly any of it. I was so busy looking made, I was still busy manufacturing my part that I never uncovered the real stuff. Isn't that something? Where were we? separation what? separation isolated, withdrawn and solitary list any defective character which we've learned pride, anger, envy and lust now lust doesn't necessarily mean sex lust for power was what I put up there now she has to resolutely look for her own mistake without law abiders not with her part in columns 2 and 3 because we're not looking for her part in columns 1 and 3 we're looking for the mistakes she made specifically here we read where have I been self-examined self-centered, relational person principal or institutionalist amazingly too how I was dressed how late it was whether I was hitchhiking that stuff didn't show up there because this was gone so I was dishonest because I denied the fact to myself and to others that I was afraid, and I joined the culture. You did what? I joined their culture. I started running around with them. Did you hear that? Remember when we talked about the syndrome of ultra-dependency in the boxer? Well, after she got raped the first time, her method of recovery was to join them so they wouldn't hurt her again. So I just climbed on the back of motorcycles and off I went. I pretended to be someone that I wasn't and I was self-seeking because I sought power and protection from specific individuals and from the lifestyle that they lived I was resentful because I was harboring a grudge and I retaliated and I joined their culture seeking protection which as Wayne spoke about earlier is the Stockholm Syndrome and in our case it's the Faulty Emotional Dependency Syndrome it looks like the Stockholm syndrome but that's juvenile compared to this I mean this ok here we write should I expand on the retaliated or wait until I get down here to where yeah what do you think ok here we are I was aggressive, antisocial deceitful, profane rageful, retaliatory scornful and unforgiving did I cause harm? if yes, circle the Y if not the N if yes right, the exact nature of the harm caused self-esteem, fear, security, survival personal or sexual relationship Yes, I did cause harm for their physical security, their ambitions for power and their survival instincts for air and safety. Air is one of my favorites because it's the ability to come and go and do and be as I please, free. In the earth world, air is the ability that breathes oxygen to have access to it. Like if you have a lung condition like I do, I can't go just anywhere I want. I have to be careful how long I go in a humid environment because I canít breathe if I get in a hot and humid environment at the same time. Once I start feeling like Iím getting fluid in my lungs, Iíve got about three days to get out of there or I will drown in my lumps. So my air is somewhat challenged. But in the spiritual world, it has a different connotation. Which is to come and go and do and be as I please. Freedom of space. So there's survival instincts for air and safety. How so? The reason that this was what I did and how it affected them, not how it affected me. And the first time I was raped, I went to the police and nothing happened. so I started hanging around with a bunch of bikers and I went somewhere I had no business being as a 16 year old and I was raped again and instead of going to the police this time I went to my uncle who was a Hells Angel and I told him what happened and I tell them who did it and it just so happened that the Hells Angels and this motorcycle club were not on good terms at that time in the 70's in Los Angeles and I started a big war I did it again I started she caught it did you hear her catch it now we did that workshop last week in London she didn't catch it this time she caught she didn'y start that war did she no she just told her uncle which is what you would do the person who raped her started the war but the world is going to make her be responsible for it because it's a twisted world out there and my uncle retaliated so that was that good answer we're going to tie all this together in step 10 because all she's doing now is uncovering discovering and discarding she's getting rid of this stuff so she has a chance for new stuff to come in so what happens if she doesn't get rid of the stuff the new stuff that comes in is going to get interwoven with that and it's going to ruin it that's what they mean by bringing baggage into a new relationship or a new job or a New Environment in the book it calls it they it calls that causes and conditions we have to get down to the causes and conditions let's do one on sex I'm really excited about my fiance doing this one it's mundane well that rhymes with Wayne why you babe I hate this one I did it, I can't control her found one with whom were we sexual and no details please oh that's not in here Wayne. What did I do? Here we uncover and list our sexual conduct. Then where was I at fault? Was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, inconsiderate in relation to my sex conduct? Was I acting out of resentful or frightened motives? Did I unjustifiably arouse suspicion, jealousy, or bitterness? If so, how so? Well, that's right to the point, isn't it? Just hate it, don't you? If so how so. I lied and I told him that I liked sex. Well, you might want to set that up. Oh, I was going a little bit further down. But okay. As we were walking along the beach, well, when we met was September 8th, two years ago. And I met him in San Jose. We lived five hours apart. He was in Los Angeles and I lived in Central California. So the beginning of our relationship was on the phone for hours every day, getting to know each other, just talking. And then I drove down to L.A. and visited, and then we went to Florida on vacation. And Wayne told me as we were starting to get to know each other that he was going to take sex off the table, that that wasn't going to be an issue, which was really cool for me because in my mind I didn't think I liked it because I was still hanging on to a lot of this. And the view that I had, and I'd never done old ideas inventories, I just knew I had some. and uh so the idea that i had about sex was that it was an obligation and a marital duty and you just got to do it so shut up and get over it once every six months which didn't make my ex too happy so anyway he told me he was gonna he didn't make my so he told me when we first started getting to know each other that he wanted to do things different and he was going to take it off the table and we were going to wait until I felt honored which took a lot of pressure off me and then as we started talking I told him that I liked sex even though I didn't think I really did I just thought I would tolerate it because that's what women do in relationships we just buck up and tolerate it so I lied and told him I liked it and I lied and told them that I like sex and then I was that's next right where was I selfish dishonest and frightened motives and if so how so I was selfish because I was concerned only with my own interest I was afraid if I told him he wouldn't want to go out with me I was dishonest because I lied to him I was inconsiderate because I didn't give them the right to make a decision based on facts that I thought were facts and my frightened motive was that he wouldn'T want to doubt me if he knew about me date me my bad and i this would foster you too this ain't gonna be easy inventory to take is it and i aroused suspicion because i lied to him um and then what happened was he knew there was something wrong because i had told him that on the phone and then we went to florida and i was separated you know being aroused by suspicion is not exactly what i was looking for So I had a frightened motive that he wouldn't want to go out with me. I aroused suspicion, and then unfortunately, if I'm going to lie to him in one area, how's he going to know whether I'm gonna lie to Him in another one? And my big thing is, I'm honest, I tell the truth, and you have to trust me. But I lied to him, so why would I expect him to? By the way, I knew she lied to me. I did. Once you're clear, you know. But I understood, you know, because when we first had that talk, that doesn't justify the fact she lied, but I understood why. And so I could have some compassion for that. We'd had many talks, and in the process, we didn't ask either one of ourselves any inappropriate questions. She never once asked me what do I do for a living, you know trying to find out how much money I make. She didn't answer how many credit cards I had. She didn' t ask me am I pretty generous. She didn''t ask me any of those questions. She actually told me about her things that she likes, and I told her what I like. and as I realized we didn't like each other I made it clear that I liked sex and she had told me so do I and then we went on that walk and she told me she was raped and I thought oh no you know if I was you I wouldn't like it I think that's a big fat lie and then when she realized later on I told her I said you know I told er what one thing would separate us for good if you ever lied to me and that's when that came back to I told him the truth that I didn't she cleaned it up pretty quick How important is that? Okay. Are we ready? Yeah. Column three, right in here is yourself affected by this conduct. Is there a self-esteem, fear of security, pocketbooks, survival ambitions, power, personal sex relations that are being interfered with or threatened? It was my self-esteem, fear that you wouldn't want to go out with me, my security, mental, emotional, sexual and social, and my ambition for prestige, which is how other people view me or think of me. Yes. Did it write in any feelings of separation you are experiencing in relation to this conduct? I was withdrawn, solitary and disunited. That's how I knew something was wrong. Immediately. Like we were on the phone talking and then we hung up and I thought like cool, got out of that one and the next time we spoke I was this and I didn't know why and he didn't Know Why, I kind of knew why but he didn' t know why and I did' n't know how to get past that I couldn' t make that go away until I told him the truth and cleaned it up. I asked her what was wrong What's she saying? Nothing. By the way, we've had many workshops. This is your 13th workshop? And she chooses to do these inventories. I don't ask her or tell her which ones to do. But we've got a number where men and women both think I'm abusing her by her talking about this stuff. Like I'm making it all about her. Like I am Mr. Perfect. I think I've done enough personal sharing that you've got to picture I'm not very perfect, have you not? okay what do you think the character is learning pride column 4 there it goes again yay that's my favorite part column 4 my mistakes this is right out of the big book the reason we got these in the notes is because I just combined the big books and the 12 and 12 What should I have done instead related to my conduct in column two? I should have just been honest and told the truth, and I should've done an old ideas inventory to discover what the truth was, because I had no idea. You list our most dominant negative and attitude personality traits involved in or responsible for our selfish, dishonest, or seeking fragment behavior. I was controlling, deceitful, manipulative, and passive. Getting lower, getting lower, down to a handful now. Did I cause harm? Yes or no? Yes. Right, and exactly what did your harm cause? Was it their self-esteem, fear, security, survival, ambition, power, personal obsession, or was it a fear of threat? Your mental and emotional security, your ambitions for power, and your personal and sexual relations. Done, and then that would go to the eight-step list. That's not easy Can I erase these or not? Yeah Oh no, beg your pardon Okay now We did the erasing just to show you But are you aware we just did step 6 and 7 too How many of you are aware of that While she was doing her Just play along That she was Doing her fifth step with her sponsor, who of course is not me. But let's say she's doing that review with her sponsor as she did. As she's going through column 3 and 4, 6 and 7 are there. Our defects in character, our shortcomings, our negative personality traits also known as the lesser defects. Did you not hear when she said those? And she talked about those in her fifth step. So when she got done, she had thoroughly investigated how her shortcomings defects and negative personality traits separates her from God her fellows and herself and so when it was time for her to go home like the big book says take an hour aside get your big book down, blow the dust off it I mean get it down review the first five proposals and then you go to steps six and seven take an hours, review them make sure everything is in place realize how my defective character and my shortcomings are the cause of almost all my destructive drinking because they interfere with my personal relationships we were basically almost entirely done with steps 6 and 7 a little bit of understanding we'll talk about that in the morning we'll do 8 and 9 then we'll wrap up the first 9 steps and Chuck C said something like this he said the first nine steps are the dying steps has anybody felt kind of icky today didn't some of this stuff like last night when you went to bed you had a little thinking going on And today, not that I think this is too overwhelming, but it does seem kind of overwhelming a little bit because there's a lot of information in a short period of time. But it hits you right here, doesn't it? See, we're not trying to hit you here. Truth doesn't generally hit here. It doesn't. It doesn' t stick neither. It's like I'm Teflon coated. But the spiritual can't be denied. Now, I don't know how many of you were hit here, but if it was here it's probably got some accuracy to it that's like AA spiritual chemotherapy you hear me? and if that's true please come back tomorrow tomorrow normally we start out at step 10 and we tell you we're going to get relief and we kind of are, we're gonna go through step 8 we're Gonna show you something a spiritual axiom in step 8 and 9 that if you only use the big book you will not get it But if you incorporate the 12 and 12, you are going to get a spiritual dynamic in step 8 that I promise you will alter how you see when other people are hurt by your conduct. I promise. Okay, tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock. Thanks.