Mary C. on the Common Solution and the Common Bond

Hi, everybody. My name's Mary and I'm an alcoholic. And first, I want to thank the Fifth Tradition Group. You guys have been so warm and gracious and friendly and I really appreciate it. And it is a privilege and an honor to be here. And I mean that from all my heart because I wouldn't be standing here at all today if it wasn't for the grace of God, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And by that, I mean that spiritual awakening is the result of the 12 steps and you guys, the people in these rooms, people just like you, the way showers in my life who saved my life. So I'm really, really glad to be here. And I'm here to share my experience, strength, and hope. And part of that is my past. and a whole lot like Ashley said I'm not an alcoholic because of my past not everyone might relate to it and it might be a little hard to hear in places but you know my experience, strength and hope I've learned is the way that God works through me and touches other people's hearts when I can use my experience strength and heart it's the language of the heart where the heart speaks and the heart listens so I was born in a large Catholic family and there were some good things in my family and it took me a while in AA to realize there was some good thing that happened in my family. We used to take walks around the block and we'd play in the backyard and there was 12 of us so we had a good sized softball team but I was the only left handed person so they'd hit the ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard and I'd hit the ball and break one of the windows in the house and I always did the same thing expecting different results even back then and I got in a lot of trouble every time and um but the things I remember most I'm going to kind of turn this down just a little the things i remember most about my life is that there was a whole lot of physical abuse sexual abuse and emotional abuse from the time I was really young and um Clancy said something I at least got to mention his name he said that his insides never matched what he saw on the outsides of other people and I was always, I felt lonely and afraid and less than and not a part of and the first time I ever had alcohol, I didn't even know it was alcohol and I Was young I was little, I don't remember how young but it was when NyQuil hit the market and my mom loved NyQuIL she used to line us all up and she'd give us each a cap full or two of NyQuIl and every night before we went to bed just like clockwork And, you know, the thing I remember about that NyQuil is that it made all the bad stuff go away. And I could sleep and I wasn't afraid. And the truth is I probably passed out cold, as little as I was. It probably just knocked me out. But it made the bad things go away and by the time I was maybe 13 or so, I went to my first junior high school dance. They called them sock hops back then. so I went to this sock hop and here were these two guys and they had a couple bottles of Thunderbird wine and there was two things I really remember about that night the first was the way that alcohol made me feel that six foot tall and bulletproof people talk about I was a part of I fit in and it made all the bad stuff go away and the second thing I remember aboutthat night is I don't remember a thing aboutthatnight I blacked out the very first time I drank and I tried for years to remember what happened it didn't work, I never did remember and I was off and running and I chased that oblivion and I'd go to school and I get off the school bus and I run into the woods and I meet bigger kids and I drink and I either stagger back to school or they drop me off close to the house and a whole lot of those years other people told me what I did and what happened. A lot of it was just a blank space for me, but I drank. About the time I was 16 years old, I'd gotten so bad at home that I was asked to either leave or get married. Since my mom was sleeping with the juvenile judge in that county, among others, he drew up the papers declaring me incorrigible, and I chose to get married, I thought that This is better than two options. And I really thought that this was my Prince Charming and I was going to live happily ever after. It didn't matter if he was 16 years old just like me, that he drank as much as I did probably, that we hadn't finished school or any of those other things. I was wrong. We didn't live happily every after. And within a month, my mom was having sex with my 16-year-old husband. And I'm going to stop there. And that's probably the most you'll get to hear about my past. And I want to say something in defense of my mom. And I wanna say something about the program with Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I really truly love this program. When I was doing my fourth step and I made my resentment list, you know, and I did those first three columns and I'd gotten those first three columns down, I'd written everybody I was resentful towards and why and what it affected and then they read me page 66 and 67. And they told me that these resentments would kill me. That it'd block me off from the sunlight of the spirit and I'd drink again and I would die. And I didn't want to do that. And they told me I had to pray for these people. And they reminded me that they were sick, just like me. And I needed to treat them with the same patience, tolerance, kindness I would a sick friend, someone who had cancer. And I caught those words, that they're sick just like me. And I could see all these things I'd done in my life and some of the terrible things that I'd done in my life to that point. And I knew I needed mercy, and I wanted mercy. And they deserve the same mercy. But you know what? I didn't know how to let go of that resentment towards my mom. There was a couple people on that list. And I read what it says in the story in the back of the book, Freedom from Bondage, where it said if you have a resentment you can't let go, you pray for that person. And you pray form every day, and you ask for those things that you want for yourself for thatperson, and you'll be free. And I listened to Joe and Charlie tape, and Joe McHugh was talking about a neighbor that he hated. And he hated him so bad, he didn't know how to let go of that resentment. And he said, you start praying, and you start as small as you can. And he started with, God, give that SOB everything he deserves. And the truth is, I started that small, and I began to pray. And the proof was, I was free. You know, I wasn't afraid. I was not afraid of that resentments. and the most amazing thing is about a year ago I went in to visit my mom because I started calling her and she was in really bad shape um she was incontinent her house the air conditioner wasn't on she was dehydrated uh my mom drinks a lot she's in her 80s and so I picked her up and I went and got her what she needed and I took her to stay with a sister and we set her up her trailer And I realized how free I really am. And I'm free today because, you know, I can be a good daughter regardless of whether my mom has the capacity to be a good mother. I can being a good friend. I can a good mother, I can the a good worker today and I'm free. But anyway, I got married and like any good Catholic girl, I started having kids. Oh, and I want to stop for a second and say, Ashley, you did such a good job. and I did that aspirin thing too by the way I took 52 aspirin when I was young I think it was more drama than anything it didn't work, I never tried it again didn't learn that with alcohol though but I did get married I started having children and by the time I was in my early 20's I was divorced with 4 children and at that point when I divorced I began to do all those things I said I'd never do and become all those Things I swore I'd Never Become and very shortly after I was pregnant again had child number five I was pregnant again I had an abortion um prostituted myself now I didn't admit it was prostitution now till I got into the the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and was working the stats and had a little honesty because I didn'T stand on a street corner but every time I needed something every time i needed cigarettes every time I needed alcohol every timeI needed a place to stay I either took someone hostage or I got what I needed. And I reached a point by the time I was 27 years old where I just wanted to die, and I devised a plan to kill myself. And I can't really tell you standing here honestly why I didn't do that, except maybe I'm a coward and the grace of God, because I ended up in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. and the most wonderful thing about walking into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and it talks about it on page 17 in the big book was I knew I was home. From the instant I walked in the doors and I sat down and I listened to you guys, I connected and I knew there was a common bond and I listening to people who were just like me for the first time ever and I began to grow up in these rooms in a lot of ways. I learned how to take care of my kids and get a job and keep a job and I went to school and I went to college and my kids grew up but the most important part of my story to me is what I didn't do and on page 17 it goes on to say that this common bond, it's only one element in the cement that binds us and holds us together that what we really have is a common solution and um no i don't want to kick up the fellowship because you guys are my way showers and you walk me through that solution but we have a common solution and i didn't pick up those that kit of spiritual tools laid at my feet i didn t do that i didn d work the steps except what i wanted to pick and choose and um after a while i kind of drifted away from alcoholics anonymous and I was crazy inside and out and probably a whole lot more than I realized a lot of other people realized it a lot more than me including my family and when my last child left home I really got into some craziness and began to act out in a lot of different ways and you know the big book says if I start harming people and I continue to harm them and I'm not sorry I'm sure to drink again and I did without any thoughts 17 years without a drink um I took a drink and I can't tell you that I actually thought a whole lot about what I did when I took that drink I just picked it up no I'm not an alcoholic uh all those things that happened to me in my past didn't think twice about those kind of things but you know when I picked up that drink it was instantaneous I don't know that words can describe that instant effect of alcohol and that phenomenon of craving where my body just screamed for more and I was often chasing oblivion and very very shortly after that days weeks I couldn't even tell you um my youngest son had an accident and died and at that point I wasn't just chasing oblivian I was chasing total annihilation and I just didn't care. And for that next year, I just ran as wild and as strong as I could and I didn't die. I wanted to die. But I was really dead inside. And when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous a year after I started drinking, I was pretty dead on the inside and I walked into the rooms and I knew I was powerless I was beat you know in my heart of hearts I knew that I couldn't control and enjoy this thing, the lies all the stuff I'd made up all of those things alcohol had beat me to a place where I knew I just couldn't do it anymore I didn't have it in me and my life was unmanageable and by that I don't mean all the stuff that happened as a result of my drinking. I don't mean just all the terrible stuff that happens in being homeless and prostituting and all those kind of things. My life is just as unmanageable today as it was the day I first walked into the rooms, Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't control and enjoy drinking and I can not manage my own life. I suffer from a delusion, a lie that I can control, I can manage my own live. I can rest happiness and satisfaction out of this life and I can't um and I was powerless and and you know I've heard that I suffered from an allergy and I understood that real well because I do suffer from an allergy I'm allergic to bee stings and if I get stung by a bee within 10 or 15 minutes my air passages close up and I die and um you know it doesn't matter how much I study about bees and how much I learn and how much I know if I get stung by a bee I'm going to die and it doesn't matter how much I think I can do this and how much willpower I have, if I go over there and step on a bee it's going to kill me and it doesn'T matter, it's progressive you know an allergy is progressive, the first time I got stung by a bees wasn't too bad and the second time it was much worse and by the third time they said I'd die if I got stung again and it's been 25 years but if i step on a bee my air passages are going to close up and i'm going to die and you know i'm like that with alcohol if i take alcohol into my body that phenomenon of craving sets in and my body screams for more it just screams for more and then that mental obsession kicks in oh it's okay you know it'll be different this time yeah it's been 17 years you weren't really an alcoholic and I'm off and running and it's progressive something else about a bee sting I never thought about until now I carry a little pen in fact I got it and if I ever get stung I follow the directions on this pen and if i use it like I'm supposed to it's a design to save my life now if I just look at it or don't use it like I'm supposed to use it or I decide oh I don't think so I'll try the other end of this instead of the side the needle's on it is not going to work and there's something in the big book I didn't catch the first time around it says that this book tells us precisely how to recover and if I follow precisely what they laid out for me to do then I'm going to get what they got and this is my design for life. This is my Design for Living right here but I came in this time and that was November 6, 2000. I was desperate and I've heard people say that's a gift of desperation and all I knew was to listen to you guys and do what I was told. That's all I new and fortunately for me someone got me in the book and started walking me through those steps and step two let me tell you that was a hard step for me and I made it so much harder than it is you know I thought I hated this God and I thought that I had built a relationship with him and he loved me and i loved him and he let me down in fact I considered him my ultimate abuser after my son died and um I had a friend of mine I worked with come up to me and started talking about acceptance in the big book and I cussed him out. He went away and he came back and he brought me this little note that said to whom it may concern can Mary borrow your higher power hers abandoned her and I kept that on my wall in my office for a while and I actually did borrow someone else's higher power but the truth is I didn't make it much harder than it is because all I needed to do was to be willing I could believe or even be willing to believe that there was a power greater than me that could restore me to sanity. I didn't have to understand that power. I didn' t have to like that power I just had to be willing to believe and know that I was powerless. I have absolutely no power. Today I still have absolutely not power but there is one who has all power, that one is God and the original manuscript says you must find him now so I took that step being willing to belief and knowing that there had to be something outside of me because I didn't have that power and step three I did just like in the big book and I knelt down with my sponsor and I said the third step prayer and I realized or I began to realize sometimes today I still have to step back and realize that selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my troubles and I'm driven by those and I want to run this show it's what I want i demand i need i desire uh i know how you guys should do it i know how my family should do and i can climb up on that throne of judgment and um play god but i'm not and the truth is i can't even get rid of that selfishness on my own i found out i couldn't uh as moral and philosophical as i thought i was and i thought I was, um, I couldn't get rid of it. You know, I just, I had to quit playing God and realize he's in charge here. And so I pretty feebly took that step and I knew I took that step because I moved on to step four. And, um you know, that third step has little lasting effect unless followed at once by that searching fearless moral inventory. So, uh, not that I wanted to i did um scared or not because i was i was afraid and i was desperate and i didn't want to drink again and started on that inventory i talked about a little bit earlier and i won't go over resentments again but i got to the fear part and i Didn't realize how terrified i was inside and out and how that had eaten away with at me and how it affected so much of my life and how I set the ball in motion to make all these things happen as a result of my fear and that that was just one of another manifestations of myself where I thought I was going to be in control instead of this infinite God. And I couldn't do it. And I heard a speaker say, I believe it was Bob Dee, he told a little, he used an analogy about how in a circus there's a tightrope wire in a tightrope act, and here's this tightroke walker going across this tight rope with a wheelbarrow. Faith is that this guy's going to get across that tightroPE act. When I watch that, I really believe he's going to do it. And that's faith. Trust is getting in the wheelbarow. And I just love that analogy because there's so many times I can get in that wheelbarOW, but you leave me in that wheelbarO a while, and I think, ooh, I'm driving this thing up here sitting in this wheelbarW. I got it made. In fact, I think I can do better, so let me get out and try this. And I get out, and I get on that tightrope, and I guess I've been hanging off that tightrobe all kinds of different ways, by my feet, by my toes, by My teeth, and I can't even get back in the wheelbarrow by myself, you know? And so God puts me back in The Wheelbarrow. And I did the sex conduct inventory, and I moved on to step five. that step terrified me and it terrified me because I had these things I swore I'd never admit I'd take them to my grave and I used to think that I didn't want to admit them to you guys, that you'd run away and I'd be alone again and I wouldn't have anybody. But I think part of the truth is I didn' t want to submit them to me and when I admitted them to you and i admitted it to god i also admitted him to me and um i buried him and hid him for a long time and i didn't want to talk about those things i swore i'd never talk about the fact that i put my kids in abusive neglectful situations when i drank uh the factthat i prostituted myself and those things that i did but you know the most amazing thing today my experience really It has become my greatest asset. I can stand up here, and God can speak through me and touch a heart out there. And I can sit one-on-one with another alcoholic, and God transforms all that stuff into just the greatest thing. Who'd have thought? It sure wasn't in my plan. But I did sit down, and I went through my fifth step with my sponsor, and she didn't run out of the room in terror. In fact, she'd just shake her head. It didn't even blow her out of the water that bad. And for the first time, I love the promises. I love The Promises attached to just all the steps, really. But I really could look the world in the eye. And forthe first time I actually let go of a lot of those things in my past, a lotof those things that had happened to me and a loto the things I'd done. I didn't just turn them over and look at them and place blame. I actuallylet them go when I was free. and i did step six and seven as it's outlined in the book i actually went home took the book off the shelf and looked at the first five steps and made sure i did them the best i knew how and when i could look at them and say yeah i think i have i looked at all that stuff i saw all that staff i saw when i did my inventory and all those other things about myself that were objectionable and I didn't really like. And I reached a point, I was a little slow, where I was willing to let God take all that stuff. And then I said the seventh step prayer. And I love the seventh-step prayer, especially the first two words, my creator. Because it's him that creates me new. I don't have anything to do with it. I can't do it. He creates me knew, so my creator, you know, take all of me good and bad I didn't think he'd take me at all before never did I think that he'd be willing to take the bad and you know remove these defects of character that stand in the way of my usefulness to others and that doesn't mean he just made me perfect you know I like quick fixes it'd be nice if he just zapped me better but he takes those character defects that I surrender to him and get in the way of My Usefulness to Others and sometimes I find myself right back at that same place because, you know, I know I'm powerless over alcohol but let me keep the money or the sex or the food or something. So I find myself back there again saying okay, I surrender and my life's unmanageable and I can't manage this either and it's yours and I moved on to eight and nine and that was scary too because I created quite a bit of wreckage and I learned that I clean up my side of the street you know when I did that page 66 and 67 when I did that resentment inventory I let those people go they don't have a part anymore I don't look at them at all because I've let them go it's gone I look at my wrongs and my wrong is only and I'm clearing away all that debris in me that blocks me off from the sunlight of the spirit but so I clean up my side of the street. And I go to those people and I make direct amends wherever possible, and it was scary to go back to places I worked for and say, I was wrong, I stole from you, I owe you money, here it is. I'll make payments, here they are. To go to my mom or whoever and say I was right, I was the one that was wrong. I wasn't the daughter I needed to be. No, it doesn't matter what she did. That's gone. what matters is what I did because I'm cleaning up my side of the street I'm clearing out this channel because I need that power greater than me to flow through me to you and that won't happen until I clean out all this stuff and I won't be free until I clear out all of this stuff so I did it, even though it was scary and I made the amends and I had most of that list when I did the inventory or I added some financial amends and some other amends, and I did those too. And at the end of step nine, after those ninth-step promises that sometimes people read in meetings, I really was amazed before I was halfway through step nine. And I really did begin to experience that freedom and happiness that they talk about. And atthe end ofstep nine, it says we have entered the world of the Spirit. And I just love those words. and I moved on to step 10 and step 10 says when I get resentful or selfish or dishonest, self-seeking those kind of things that I call somebody that I pray that I make amends quickly and that I reach out and help somebody else because you see I want to keep that clean and I want to be in that place of neutrality be safe and protected where I don't have to fight alcohol anymore because I don t fight alcohol anymore. You know, I can't remember the last time I had a desire to drink. And I have that daily reprieve but it's contingent on my spiritual condition so I want to keep this stuff cleaned up. And I can t do it alone. I can do it along. It s a God thing. It's It's not a me thing. It's a power greater than me. And step 11, I like step 11. I did it really, really, I probably say that about all the steps. I did het poorly at first and I'm not a disciplined person so I would call people and say, hey, let's do this together. Where were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, afraid? Do you owe an apology? And I'd go down that list and we started doing it together and I used to forget the last part of that though I never quite got to ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures I need to take I think it took me years I didn't know that was in the book it took many years before I saw that part but now I remember to do that I try to ask god's forgiveness and inquirer what correctives measures I needed to take and thank him for keeping me sober another day because I know it's him and not me. And when I wake up, I ask him to divorce my thinking because I'm so quick to get into myself. So I ask them to divorce my thinking from the selfishness, dishonest, self-seeking motives. And I ask about my plans for the day because see, I have a new employer, one of those third step promises. And if I do everything that, if I stick close to him and perform his work well, he provides everything I need. And that means the financial stuff, that means The emotional stuff, it means all the stuff And sometimes I get real narrow and I just think about All this little stuff, I think my plans Like Ashley was talking about, they don't work out very well Instead of whatever it is he has for me today And I may miss what he puts right in front of my face The person I need to be reaching out to Where I'm supposed to be of maximum service the great adventures that are out there in life because I'm so narrowly focused on my little plans and designs so I ask what my plans are for the day and I can stop you know it says that I have to constantly remind myself that I'm no longer running the show and I guess if I have to constantly remember that means I'm constantly running the show and I am constantly running the shows I think sometimes And I guess it's like that wheelbarrow. I'm crawling out of it, thinking I'm driving it, hanging off of it. Trying to walk that tightrope of life when I'm clueless. And so I have to remind myself who really is running this show. And it's not me. And try to stay in that wheelbarrows and trust that infinite God a whole lot more than my finite self. And step 12 is my favorite. I just love it. And it says, having had a spiritual awakening is the result of these steps. The result. It doesn't say one of many. And in the 12 and 12, it talks about a spiritual awakening. And it said that it seems to be so different for so many of us that there's something we all have in common. And it's the fact that we can do, say, and believe what we couldn't do before. and that it's a gift, it's a free gift that we receive and all we do is get ourself ready for it and I get myself ready for It because I've walked through those steps and I walk through those steps taking the hand of someone who guides me through them. I couldn't do that alone. I need you guys for that. It's the people in these rooms that walked me through the steps it's the People in these rooms that showed me the way. It' s the People in these rooms that saved my life when I walked in the doors after my son had died they knew I was just pretty pitiful and that I was pretty miserable and instantly they put me to work instantly they put me to works and got me outside of me and it saved my life I guess I want to tell you another story I told you about my mom but that judge that declared me incorrigible I'd never met him but I hated him before I did that resentment list I hated it and uh when I walked into I blamed him for everything my marriage everything and um when I walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous uh this there was this crusty guy that was the club manager at the club and uh instantly he would have me clean the ashtrays, wiped the tables. First day. And by day three they had me chairing a meeting with the help of an old-timer. I was shaking coffee all over the table while I was trying to chair the meeting but they put me to work. And I love that man. He's one of the giants in my life and his wife became my sponsor and stayed my sponsor until I moved away and moved to Chattanooga. And one day I was about a month sober and they have an old timers meeting. It was at the Flatiron in Knoxville, and he was, tears in his eyes, telling me about this man that he loved who saved hundreds of lives, and I call it synonymous, including his, and he said he was a speaker at this old-timers meeting. So at the old-timers meeting, I waited for the speaker to get up, and it was this judge. Go figure. But you know what I realized as I watch this man. And I never told him who I was. I realized that like tornadoes, we rip through people's life and we do damage. And sometimes we don't even know the damage we did. Um, and that goes for me. But you know, this guy today, he's a part of my legacy in Alcoholics Anonymous and it's amazing that this power greater than us just transforms our lives in such a way and brings healing in such away and brings us together in such an amazing kind of way that I can never think about and one of the things about this um the next part of step 12 says um we tried to carry this message to others carry this massage to alcoholics and um it's just so great to be able to sit down one-on-one with another alcoholic and if i keep this channel clean it has nothing to do with me i can't i can'T take credit and i CAN'T take blame it's a power greater than me that flows through me and touches the heart of somebody else, and it's just an amazing thing. I just love it, and there's something, a saying that I see on the walls of lots of clubhouses and little AA rooms that says, I am responsible whenever anyone anywhere reaches out. I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that, I'm responsible. It doesn't say it wants Mary's hand always to by there. You see, I used to think it was my hand, but no, it's the hand of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm responsible you know I'm responsible I want when my children or my grandchildren to walk through those doors I want AA to be here for them too and for your children and your grandchildren and the next person who walks in that door I want Alcoholics Anonymous to be there and for that I'm responsible and I was fortunate enough that I had people who put me to work quick and within 30 days I was secretary of the group and I learned how to have a commitment and keep a commitment and I served as secretary for two years and then I was chair of a group and on and now I'm DCM of a district in Chattanooga and it's an honor and a privilege to be a servant, to be able to reach out to someone else and to help in any small way to ensure that Alcoholics Anonymous is here for the next person who walks in this room, and I practice these principles in all my affairs. That's a tough one, you know, that's one of those what-in-order things, but to the best of my ability, I try to practice those principles in all my affairs, and not just the principles in those steps, but the principles and those traditions, and in the concepts, and you know if Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't survive most of us will surely die Bill Wilson said and so I practice these principles and I reach out to other alcoholics and I can only do that it's nothing about me it's the grace of this power that's so much greater than me that gives me the opportunity to be able to do that and in some wonderful way it saves my life too it's that power so much greater than me that does it all and what it's like today I guess I'm to that point and today, I'm so fortunate I have the family that I never ever thought I would have and it's right here in these rooms I used to just crave love and attention and a family and it is something I never thought I had but today I do and it's the people that sit right here in these rooms and I could walk in here today and pull up here today and I was home and I knew I was at home and I have a family and I know I have people who will stick with me no matter what even when I'm rotten they're there even if I mess up they're their and they understand they know me it's that language of the heart they know my and I have 11 grandkids and my kids are grown and I went to school and I got an MBA and I graduated with highest honors who'd have thought a messed up little girl could ever do that and you know I couldn't do that and I never could have done that if it wasn't for again the grace of God and the people in these rooms and the way showers and the wayshowers and the ones who held my hand and walked me through recently well right now actually a week ago was my son's birthday a couple of days is my son death day as I walk through those kind of things that happen in my life and the other things that happened in my live I can run to these rooms and know that I never have to be alone and I can know just like the things in my past I used to think were so terrible and to some degree some of them were or the death of my son that those things today are something they're a gift that i can use to reach out to someone else and when i have to walk through this tough stuff you know it says there's certain trials in most spots ahead but it says if i just perfect and enlarge my spiritual life through intensive work with others that i will survive those certain trials and low spots ahead so i reach out to you and you reach out to me and somehow it works. And I just thank you so much and I'm so grateful to be here. Thank you so much, Mary. What a great message.