Low Self-Esteem and the Entanglement of the Past – Howard P.

About This Speaker Tape

Step 8 Study - We Ain't Dead Yet - 2004

Howard P. dismantles the friction between theory and action in the 12 Steps specifically the grueling climb from the seventh to the eighth step. He maps out a spiritual evolution that took him nearly a decade to truly grasp moving from a stubborn insistence on self-reliance to a surrender that felt like 'magic' in his professional life. Howard traces the wreckage of his past—including stolen equipment and a childhood marked by a father's violence—and explains how he had to 'drag himself through the keyhole' to make amends. He rejects the idea of 'bygones be bygones,' arguing that the only way to clear the debris of self-will is through concrete restitution illustrated by the harrowing experience of borrowing money from his wife Pat P. to buy back stolen gear and return it to the company.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Howard P. discusses his initial skepticism and the belief that Steps 6 and 8 were unnecessary.
• 3:15 Discussion of 'contempt prior to investigation' and the struggle with willingness.
• 5:40 Story about a work assignment and the 'magic' of a solution involving early artificial intelligence.
• 7:20 The 'fork in the road' metaphor and the transition from self-reliance to Higher Power reliance.
• 9:10 Reflections on the Seventh Step prayer and the nature of the Creator.
• 11:30 Howard explains the difficulty of Step 8 and the lack of 'duck soup' willingness.
• 14:10 The 'toothpaste out of the tube' anecdote about admitting lies to Pat P.
• 17:40 Discussion of the 12 and 12 and the necessity of repairing human wreckage.
• 20:15 Howard reflects on childhood trauma and the realization that his father is no longer the problem.
• 23:30 Detailed account of stealing equipment and the process of returning it with Pat P.
• 25:40 Laughter: Pat P.'s reaction to the return of the equipment ('is there another shoe to drop?').
• 28:10 Final thoughts on the 'unsparing survey' of human wreckage and the danger of denial.