Living Off an Old Experience – Big Book Study – Cabo – Part 3 of 3 – Mark H.

Good evening everybody. We got that adjusted? My name is Mark Houston I'm an alcoholic and I was separated from alcohol and cocaine the morning of October 19th of 1982 in Denver, Colorado and I'm grateful for that and the world's a better place because of it. It was a tornado roaring through the lives of other people and I don't ever want to forget that what a my home group is the carry this message group in Austin Texas we're a fundamental AA group open in three minutes of meditation and we have a chairperson and you can only bring up a topic out of the recovery portion of the big book that's the doc's opinion through the first 164 and you can't talk for more than five minutes we have a timer if it goes off we ask that you stop in mid-sentence part of what we're about is are you awake wake up get free of this idea because your eyes are open they're awake that almost killed me small little group. I don't like big groups. I sobered up in Denver in small groups. I still like them today. We laughed the other day. We did a group conscience two months ago and most of the time we'd have between eight to ten people there and someone in several of the groups not going and we realized it's because we weren't telling anybody about it. So we had a huge turnout last Monday. We had 15 there so we, but you know how we get. We're selfish people, right? So if you've got something good, you want to keep it to yourself for a while. What an experience being down here. What a wonderful thing. I love Brad's story. See, that's how it is. That's how my life is. When I came into the rooms at Alcoholics Anonymous, little coincidences here and there that began to manifest. And here's the other part in the equation. Some of you think you probably chose to be here. None of us chose tobe here. We all made a decision in a third step. We offered ourselves to God to do with us as he willed, and he's got us here together, including me. And just to set the record straight versus this $2,000 that Brad talked about, when he was asking about coming down, he said, well, by the way, there's a few other things you're going to have to pay your own way. Of course, I didn't know at that time it was about a $500 round-trip ticket, But he said, I'll do my best to find a place for you to stay. You're going to have to buy all your food and all the rest. And I said, okay, all right, let's do it. Let's come on down and have some fun. What a great deal. One of the things I would like to do is to take a minute and I want to say a prayer for us. And I'll tell you why, whether you're brand new or whether you've been sober a long time. Biggest noose around your neck is the same one that's around mine, and that's what you think you know about what's going to happen here. And you bring it in your current belief systems and your dogma and your attachment to what you thing you know. See, the truth is none of us have ever been together in this moment, in this time, so nobody here has a clue about what' s going to happened. If I lose sight of that, what I take into all the meetings and when I'm working with somebody is my preconceived ideas about what's going to happen. What I've learned over time through the disciplines of Steps 10, 11, and 12 is to take a beginner's mind to everything, to everything. How do you walk back into your home group day after day, week after week, month after month, and stay plugged into that and stay open unless you have a beginner'S mind and understand that, for example, all of you that belong to that home group when you were in there this evening. You've never been together this evening in that group, therefore you've never had that experience, right? Wake up, wake up to that, see? Never been in this moment before. See, I get a little slow in the uptake. Some of you probably have read the book Chuck Chamberlain, New Pair of Glasses. So I'm reading that book and he's married to the same woman forever and I don't know if there's any such thing is enlighten people in the rooms. Hey, hey, I find that a little hard to believe, but if there was, he's as close as there is. If you ever listen to his tapes and you read and you know anyone that knows him, that guy was devoid of self as far as I could tell. But I'm sitting here and I'm reading one day and he's talking about every morning he gets up and he has got a new woman sitting across from him. Now, I know he wasn't cheating on his wife. I knew he was talking about his wife And I'm thinking, what does he mean by that? How can you be married to the same woman like it was 30, 40 years or something like that, but he wakes up every morning and there's a new woman there. What does he means by that about five years later? I finally got it. So he was awake and he realized that every morning when he woke up and he sat across from that woman, he had never been in that moment with that woman before. And I'll bet you that guy's life was juicy baby. see you you get present steps 10 to 11 this other work if it swoops you into the present like it does me i mean i craig here's the difference if you're sober for a while you really work with the dispens he and i first get here on thursday and we're going for a walk and he's got his head down just going like a chihuahua baby he's moving now i'm a lot more awake and i never been here before and I'm going in slow motion and Cabo is swooping in on me and I can't even begin to handle it. He's turning around, what are you doing? Hurry up! And I go, whoa, man. Right out of a Cheech and Chong movie. Wow! Did you see that? The colors! Whoa! The ocean away! Whoa! Bartender, I know he thinks I'm smoking reefer. You know, You're just looking, you know, on the people and the colors and it just swoops in on you. And every day it's like that. See, what an incredible experience that is. Found my tribe. I was sent to you all. I call the rooms of AA my tribe I've been looking for a tribe, and I found one. And everywhere I go, you Know, there we are. So let's take a minute, and if you'll join me in prayer, This prayer for me came out of We Agnostics. If you've done much work with that chapter, you might have an awareness that the word prejudice is used in there a lot, six, seven, eight, nine times. And they finally beg us to lay aside our prejudice. And if you look up the word prejudiced, it means preconceived thought or opinion. So out of that is I begin to work with a prayer that I use whenever I go to meetings, where I'm sitting down to work with someone whenever I'm going to go back through the steps again. And it goes something like this. Our Creator, we thank you for bringing us together in fellowship and love. We understand that we're joined together as a spiritual body and there's so much more going on here than we realize. Help us to set aside everything we think we know about the big book, the 12 steps, the program, the fellowship, and all spiritual things, especially you, God, so I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things. Please help us see some new truth. Amen. I want to read something from one of the books I'm currently working with. For you big book thumpers who think I'm doing something sacrilegious, the 11th step says be quick to see where religious people are right. make use of what they offer and i do 10th and 11th step gave me freedom to go out in the world and and and spend some time exploring all this incredible stuff out there these books and buddhism and monasteries and christian mystics and all this neat neat stuff see i do a lot of stuff in the 11th steps along with but never instead of some of you may know people like I've known people who like to do religious stuff instead of the rooms, and most of them, based on my experience, get drunk. So some of my teachers got real clear with me. You do this stuff along with, not instead of. So I do. This is one of my teacher's, a man named Anthony DeMell. It's called Awareness. It says on waking up, spirituality means waking up. Most people, even though they don't know it, they are asleep. They're born asleep. They live in sleep. They marry in their sleep. They breed children in their sleep. They die in their sleep without ever waking up. They never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing that we call human existence. All mystics, Catholic Christian, non-Christian, no matter what their theology and no matter what their religion are unanimous on one thing that all is well. All is well, though everything is a mess. All is well. Strange paradox. to be sure. But tragically, most people never get to see that all is well because they're asleep. They're having a nightmare. Waking up is unpleasant, you know. You're nice and comfortable in bed. It's irritating to be woken up. That's the reason the wise guru will not attempt to wake people up. I hope I'm going to be wise here and make no attempt whatsoever to wake you up if you're asleep it's really none of my business even though i say to you at times wake up my business is to do my thing to dance my dance if you profit from it fine if you don't too bad as the arabs say the nature rain is the same but it makes thorns grow in the marsh and flowers in the garden when i was brought into the into the rooms in 1982 i had brain damage kidney damage and liver damage and everything I own fit in a duffel bag. And that's how I came to you. I ran it as long and as hard as I could. And alcohol was my master. I joke with people I work with about if you don't want to do this, and I want to get clear with you all based on my experience what this is, and it's about a hell of a lot more than going to meetings, by the way. I tell them that, you know, why don't you just go ahead and build an altar to your drug of no choice. A little play on words. I sit in meetings of AA and hear somebody say my drug of choice is alcohol and I think to myself, well then what are you doing in the rooms of AA if your drug or choice is not alcohol? Choose not to drink it. If you're sitting in this room and you're an alky, your drug at no choice is alcoholic. That's why you're in the rooms. My drug of choice is Excedrin. I buy it. I only take two. It sits in the cabinet for six to nine months. I don't mortgage the house and lose a relationship because of Excedrine. That's a drug of joy. Alcohol is my drug of no choice, which is why a lot of these slogans that you hear, which, by the way, are not in the book, things like, just don't drink, no matter what. Well, no mater what I drink. just don't drink even if your ass falls off my ass even hits a falling off I used to drink but later I found out none of that's in my book those terms refer to expressions of people who are not like me because I'm a real alcoholic you know earlier this evening there was a lady was talking about she was hoping she could remember the shame and remorse behind her drinking to keep her sober and i don't know about you but i can't books very clear i can consequences have never kept me never kept me from drinking ever that's what it means to be a real alcoholic where you've lost the power of choice and I was separated from alcohol and my story is not one of coming in and out of the rooms by the way I was that tornado, I roared through relationships, been married and divorced four times, engaged six times well toward the end see I couldn't do very well at supporting myself somebody had to so see nice alcoholics scare me it's inconsistent with the big book right says the root of my problem is i'm selfish and self-centered i'm like a tornado roaring through the lives of others they don't want to come in the room pretend i'm nice there's not a room full of nice people when we get here do we get change and transforms absolutely what's the promise i have a psychic change i have a revolutionary spiritual experience then as far as i can tell i get to improve and grow using the spiritual disciplines of the 10th and 11th step. Strict spiritual discipline, by the way. Strict spiritual disciplines. I want to take a moment and tell you my current experience. Some of you have been sober for a while. By the way, one of the things that I hope I get to do this evening and in the next two evenings is disturb some of you about the question of alcoholism which in the chapter working with others says it's a good thing if i do that right because maybe if you'll get disturbed you may or may not change your course of action but particularly this is for people who've been sober for a while you find yourself saying this very often you're probably headed for trouble well when i came in and when i come in and When I came in, just like my body can't live off the food I ate two weeks ago, you can't life off that experience. It's deadly. I got a guy at my rehab right now that had 23 years. When I started asking him, he picked up a drink. He drank for two years straight. Spent almost two months in a VA hospital because he had drank himself almost into a wet brain. so now his head's clear and i get to talking to him he hadn't done anything with the steps in years hadn't touched inventory wasn't doing anything with a distance of 10 11 living off an old experience and he picked up a drink i don't know if he'll ever come back so what's my current experience every morning that i have been down here i get up and after a little coffee open my big book to upon awakening and i read and i say all of those prayers out of my big book and then i have a timer and i'm doing the 10 minute meditation and i do that meditation then all through the day i work with the 10 step tools what do i mean by 10 step tools there's all kinds of them ask turn cease six cents how can i best serve thee thy will not mind be done 11 step tool pause when agitated or doubtful many times throughout the day thy will be done and then when craig and i go back and we're sitting in a room tonight we're going to go to the big book and we'RE GOING TO DO OUR EVENING REVIEW AND WE'RE GOINNA ANSWER ALL THOSE QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR DAY AND I DO ALL THIS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN FOR ONE REASON THE ONLY REASON I'M STANDING HERE UP HERE SOBER IF YOU BELIEVE THE BOOK AND I do IS BECAUSE I'M IN FIT SPIRITUAL CONDITION AND THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT KEEP MARK HOUSTON IN FIDTH SPIRITA CONDITION not god is god a part of all that yes if staying sober was about god this book would be one page and say god keeps you sober have a great day but i find this book to be full of action which i have to take see an easier softer way would be god keeps us sober wouldn't it no work associated with that see so i'll i'll just throw this out a little something for you all to chew on um if you want to know what you believe and look at your actions so i just described what the big book is very very clear on how mark stays in fit spiritual condition so all of you take some time and just sit and look and they'll just take the last seven days and ask yourself, did you do what this book says to do in steps 10 and 11? And if the answer is no, then I think you need to sit with a question. And here's the question. Are you assuming you're in fit spiritual condition because you've been sober for a while? Right? Are you assuming that? Are you living off an old experience? Just go into a meeting. keep you in fit spiritual condition. Whenever I write inventory, I want to know what I'm up against. I always look at my actions, what the things I'm doing or not doing, and then I look at the subsequent belief system. So for example, if you're not doing evening review, what do you think the belief system is? Anybody? Yeah, you don't need it. I'm okay. I don't needs to do evening review for a fit spiritual condition, but this book's real clear on that. Is it not? Right? If you're not doing upon awakening and saying those prayers and doing some meditation, what's the belief system? It says upon awakening. We consider our plans for the day. It goes through all kinds of prayers, right? So what do you think the belief systems is? I don't have to do it, and I'm okay, right, as far as I can tell, my book says I'm given a day to reprieve, contingent on one thing and one thing only, my fit spiritual condition. Now let me tell you some reasons why I'm so adamant about this. I've worked in the field of chemical dependency now for 18 years, and I've buried a lot of people. And they used to die in their rooms, and they're still dying, but they ain't dying in their room no more. They're going to these hospitals and rehabs. Then they're dying. Used to die in the rooms. I sobered up in Denver, Colorado my third year. I remember 90 days, 14 people drank themselves to death. That used to happen in our rooms. Now that doesn't happen in their rooms and there's a real subtle thing going on. You know what it is? If I relapse, I'll make it back. That is not my experience. Between my ninth and tenth year, because I wasn't doing the things that I'm sharing with you that I now do, I wound up in an insane asylum in Houston, Texas. Spent 45 days there. Almost committed suicide. My mind sober drove me wacko. Some of you can relate to that. They wanted to assign all kinds of other labels to why I was in that place, but I know why I wasn't there. I was dying of untreated alcoholism, period. Stone cold say we're going to a lot of meetings, living off an old experience. Dying inside from the disease of untreated alcoholism. You know, as far as I can tell, I'm either growing or I'm going. There is nothing in between for a guy like me. I got to come at my spiritual life the same way I came at vodka, and I was a mad dog. I didn't care about anybody or anything, and I did worship vodka, and I mean that. And if you're sitting here, the same is probably true for you. You always sit and say, oh, I love my children. Really? Did they go to rehab with you? No, you didn't. See, all you've got to do is look at your actions as to what you love. As far as I can tell, there's three things I have deeply loved in my life. Myself, vodka, and God. Everything else just fits somewhere in there. Twenty years, booze. Booze, altar, worshiped at the altar of booze, you know why I know that? I broke the hearts of every human being who ever cared about me because I went where booze told me to go. I may as well have got up every morning and said, Oh, King Alcohol. Name of the... Right? Do with me as you wish. Because it did. Right? Alcohol didn't care about those wives I had who I loved. I'm not a bad man. I was born and raised in Iowa. I was raised with good values. Norwegian people. I know the difference between right and wrong. I know what it's like to honor a relationship. And I took a drink of booze, you think booze cares about that? Not hardly. She looks good. You think boozes care about career? I don't think so. They won't find out. Rapacious creditor was the term, but I really realized one time in reading the big book that alcohol was my master, and I got that. I got what I worshipped at the throne at. And then I had those first nine, nine-and-a-half years, and don't get me wrong, I had some good years in there. But I rested in my laurels, and I lived off an old experience, and if I could save anybody in this room from that experience, I'll do it. So I'm tired of burying Alkies, particularly Alkis who get some time to pick up a drink, because what you're up against is the progressive nature of alcoholism. And if you think you're sitting in this group When you get 10 years and pick up a drink, it's like before then. You are wrong. You're up against yourself. Big time. Drank for 20 years. Got separated from alcohol by this power, this God. Along the way I got drafted. I spent 13 and a half months in Vietnam. A period of years went in the corporate world. I drank all that up. I had a couple of brothers back in Colorado. They were entrepreneurs in the drug dealing business. Since my resume no longer fit other places, I decided to join forces with them, so I did that for a couple years. That's not what I went to college to learn, by the way, but alcoholism turned me into something I'm not. But it became a normal way of life. I can't separate the true from the false. I think it's normal to carry a gun in the boot, drink and fight, chase women, act almost sociopathic. Matter of fact, when I had my first real first step experience, I got excited to finally found out what was wrong with me, which was I was an alcoholic with a craving of the body and obsession of the mind. And the reason I was excited, it finally gave me an answer to behavior that looked very sociopathic, psychopathic. And I don't know if you know, but you can't treat either one of those conditions. So when I found out, and I can give you a lot of examples. I'm living with a gal in Denver, Colorado. She has a young child. I go to the store to get milk. I goto Bennington's. I take a drink. Seven days later, I wake up at a mobile home in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, which is 800 miles away. that was not where I planned on going when I left Aurora, Colorado. And then it's weird because I didn't have a clue where I was. And I'm looking out this window and there's this woman. I've never seen her before. None of this landscape looks familiar. And she has mail there. And I see I'm in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. No recall of how I got here. And I had stuff like that happen hundreds of times. I'm up in Alaska. My grandmother dies, and I want to go to a funeral, and I get on the plane six days later. I wake up at a hotel in St. Louis, miss the funeral. Didn't want to miss the funerals. I wanted to be there. I loved that woman, and you have that stuff happening up. At some point in time, you really start asking yourself some questions about what is wrong with me. And that big book said, I'll tell you what's wrong with you. Mark, when you take a drink, it takes you. Wow. That's right. That line in there, it explains many things for which Mark could not otherwise account. Wow. What a great thing. Now I know why I did that. That didn't make me feel better about it, but at least I had an explanation, right? See that incredible first step experience. First 33 pages of the big book are divided to asking one question. When I take a drink, do I lose power, choice, or control over how much? Period. every year i rework the first nine steps i'll tell you why because i fall asleep sometimes i'll do my evening review craig and i did it last night were you resentful yes now here's what i haven't done i did have a resentment last night i haven'T written a four column inventory on it yet though and i havenT done a fifth step and i HAVEN'T done six and seven and eight and what will happen in course of a year's time is I have this stage character I call the spiritual man that likes to think he's so evolved he hardly ever gets resentful. He's such a good member of AA and uh he shows up sometimes and you know oh you don't you you don'T resent him Mark. Oh yeah I do yeah so once a year i always find a a bunch of resentments i need to write on so january of every year i take a look at uh yeah some of you may even want to consider doing this i takea look at what i call my current unmanageability here's what i mean by that remember i told you i'm not interested in when i came in i'mnot interested in last year everyone in this room you have some current uh current unmanageability you have some current spirituality stuff it might be your health it might be finances it might be relationships it might be illness it could be a host of things it might be grief it might be sadness but you everyone in this room you've got some current unmanagability I assure you that's the stuff we're going to get drunk over, ladies and gentlemen. It's not the stuff from back here, back when. And unless some of you become enlightened between now and then, it bothers you. Every one of you in the past week have had the same fears cycling through your mind, that interior dialogue. So I make a list of my current unmanageability. I'll give you an example of some of mine. one of them is my physical body currently not smoking thank God it's been a tough one serious addiction to nicotine I want to develop a lifestyle for the next 30 years of my life and smoking two packs of Marlboro Reds a day doesn't fit that if you know what I mean is that something i can drink over yeah i got a guy a pal of mine i've known for 10 years one time he wanted to be a monk got throat cancer seven years sobriety went on a rip-roaring drunk drank for two months just got through doing chemo two months of chemo I had to bring him down into my rehab. Can you drink behind the illness? You bet you can. Current unmanageability. Here's another area of current unmanangeability. I call it time slash people balance. Started a new business 19 months ago. Got 27 employees already. They need my time like little piranhas. Then I got sponsees like Craig. See, I appreciate his honesty. He told you he's nine years sober. I'm on a trip, not even high. How was it? About me, about me, about me. About me. About me right now. I got five just like him. Get them together. It sounds like a convention. Old women. Noise level off the charts, right? So in addition to all these employees, I've got five protégés like that. And I get asked to go around and do stuff like that, I only do six of these things a year. I had to laugh when I, I don't know what a circuit speaker is, I always think of some guy riding a jackass somewhere when I hear that, but you know, the most I can do with you is share my experience and share with you some things that I do. And out of that, if you find some stuff you can do and have your experience, there was time well spent. That's all. If you ever listen to my stuff, trust me, it changes all the time. And the reason it changes, I'm always doing my work. My work. That experience in the nuthouse caught my attention. You know the one that I was resting on my laurels? I don't care to go there again. I had great insurance, and they had a key. I pulled a jack one floor over the cuckoo nest. It was yes, sir, yes, ma'am, anything to get out of there. Boy, I had to fake wellness. See, we're not well, you know? Tribe I belong to, we'RE not well. We'll always be on the fringes. Our heads do not look at things right. One of the reasons I love Anthony DeMello, I'm reading his book and he says in there, I want to write a book. And the title of the book is I'm an ass, you're an ass and it's okay that we're both asses. And I thought, that describes the rooms of AA. See, it's just... By the way, if you're new, I wantto help you with something. You're never gonna get well. Now, you'll stay sober and have a lot of fun but you will not get well I'll sit at home, do my morning disciplines, do my prayer my meditation, got my cat Hobo there just chilling out man I'm all hooked up, I'm a little sunbeam for God then I put my hand on the door and it's on go out and get my GMC Yukon and my head's already who's going to get in front of me now 6 o'clock and I want to go through Starbucks and I got a little blue haired lady in front of me just had this great love of god my heart this voice says if she don't speed up i'm gonna ram her see that's not right but that's me that's your speaker difference between me and a lot of folks? I don't pretend I'm well. See? I tell all the guys I work with, you know, don't be laying that well stuff out on me, right? See? But you have a lot of fun with it. Have a lot if fun with. God, I don' t know what I d do without this program. I remember 15 years sober one time going to grocery store. I'm sitting up getting ready to go inside and this fear, this overwhelming fear begins to growl through my body. It's like, okay, what's going on here? I'm afraid to go in the grocery store. So I had the voice. I had The Dialogue. You know, The Dialogue, we have with ourselves all day long, The Voices, right? What are you afraid of? Well, somebody might say hi and look you in the eye. Well, that ain't that big a deal. Yeah, it is. Right? The VoICES. 15 years sober, I don't know how old I was then but and I'm afraid to go into a grocery store for God's sakes to buy groceries so I say a prayer and then I feel okay and then I go in realizing I have my own opinion about this I have a feeling that I don' t know if there' s such a thing in the reincarnation or how it is all this stuff happens but I like to work with visuals and I sometimes think that God and say peter when we came down the pike were playing poker and they just like and there's certain things we were supposed to come down here with and because they were playing soccer not paying attention we got past them without it god says oh god we missed a few they'll become alkeys see because i was never comfortable until i had that drink then i was okay see it's felt like it always has felt like i straddled the world straddle both sides and what i finally came to realize now when the book says no middle of the road solution i either need a lot of whiskey or i need a lot of god period i can't straddle anymore and uh i'll bitch to god about that when i get up there i don't think that's quite right but that is the truth i never felt a part of till i took a drink when i was 16 years old then i had that experience sober what I call middle of the road, middle of road in sobriety. Trust me, ladies and gentlemen, if just going to meetings is not drinking work for me, I'd do it. I really would. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I love, when I'm in Austin, Texas, Monday through Friday between 4 and 4.15, my alarm clock goes off and my feet are on the floor. Do I like doing that? No. No. Why do I do that? I do because i like the effect produced and I want to stay in fit spiritual condition And I don't want to ever take a drink alcohol again Because when I take a Drink the Drink takes me and all bets are off and I lose all rights That's why that's why I do it I don'T do it to be a nice guy None of that I do It because the book says if you do this, I can promise you some great stuff an awakened sixth sense An awakened spirit the ability to grow and understand your effectiveness You will have recovered and been given the power to help others. Amazing stuff. You'll walk hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. Wow. Cheats and chong stuff, you know? Which, by the way, is stuff we don't talk enough about in our meetings. I hope when I leave here, I'll stir up what you bring up for a topic. For example, went to a couple of meetings down here. Does anybody have a topic? And I almost did this. I didn't, but maybe I will. Yes, I'd like you to share your experience with your new sixth sense. That's in the tenth step, by the way. Do the work in the first nine. Face and be rid of that which has you blocked from power. You get to the tenth and eleventh step and start working those disciplines. You do have a new sixth sent. It's called your spirit, your awakened spirit. You start to go through your day in your life, letting that awakened spirit guide you and move you. fabulous stuff what's your experience with having entered the world of the spirit that's in the 10 step 2 that you ever heard that as a topic why aren't we talking about this stuff power programs about power tells you that we agnostic the whole purpose of this program is to enable you to develop a relationship with the power which will do for you what you cannot do for yourself why aren't we talking about power elkies love power it is it's a power how about right in the middle of fear inventory this is another topic you'll never hear it says i'm going to let god demonstrate through me what god can do why aren'T we talking ABOUT THAT why are WE TALKING ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LET GOD DEMONSTRATE THROUGH YOU WHAT GOD CAN DO a couple of people say well what preparation do you do for this and i said nothing except the work in 1 through 9 and the disciplines of 10 and 11 i'm a hollow bone i've done the work necessary to let god demonstrate through me what god can do see i don't have a clue what you need but god does so if you have any problems with anything that comes out of this mouth it's not my fault but see all this is in this book incredible stuff oh you still drink go to meetings no no no no no a life beyond your wildest dream rocket scientist stuff great stuff you wake up to all that you take that into your life take that into your relationships take that into your careers take that into every area of your life take that kind of power we agnostics be an intelligent agent spearhead of god's ever-advancing creation what does that mean well i think it means intelligent agent spearhead god's never advancing creation all my troubles are my own making most powerful one of the most powerful statements of hope in the big book why why would i say that why do you think i would say that big book says all my troubles are my own making why is that a great thing what if your troubles are somebody else's making they got to change in order for you to get well right i've done a lot of work with the fourth step fourth and fifth steps matter of fact i got some inventory i'll be reading some of it two or three pieces while i'm down here i read that to the men i work with i'm accountable see if you get your sense of self outside yourself you're in trouble because then something outside you's got to change get better in order for you to be okay it's a horrible way to live I get my sense of self right here. You can add to me, but you can't take nothing from me. Do you hear what I just said? See, because all my troubles are my own making. Everything in my life is on loan. It's all a gift. It's on loan, living in a world of impermanence. Don't know how long it's on loans. And if it turns to me one day and says I'm gone, God bless you. Go in peace. Turn to the next one. What a great way to live. From that position, you can love all my troubles are my own making. Wow, what amazing stuff. I spent years drinking because my troubles were of your making, and I'm trying to arrange my life. Mark's arrangements would only stay put. If only people would do as Mark wished, the show would be great. Listen to this gentleman read some inventory today. probably tomorrow night, I want to spend some time talking about the fourth and fifth step. My experience over the years, and I've worked with a lot of people, a lot of varying lengths. Right now I'm sponsoring a woman she's 44 years sober. Been sponsoring her for 10 years. When she came to me, she was one of the doing a lot of speaking yada, yada yada. Nobody would say anything to her and she was dying of untreated alcoholism she almost committed suicide alone with the most sobriety she heard a tape when i talked about almost taking myself out of here she called me took her through the steps right in inventory tell you doing a fifth step with somebody that long sober and i got less time was like dancing with the devil unbelievable pulled her free of that pulled her free of it credible woman's in her 80s and more vibrant and alive than anyone i know fabulous stuff doesn't matter how long you're sober you get trapped by this stuff see i want to talk more about the fourth and the fifth step what that's about i believe in writing a lot with inventory toward. Why? Because my ego is as mysterious and powerful as God himself, as far as I'm concerned, and I can't defeat my ego. It takes the best of us. So that's why you do fourth and fifth steps. If I started to tell you my current reality, I mentioned the unmanageability. You might consider this as an exercise, is make a list of your own current unmanagability, the stuff that's rubbing up against you make a list of your current fears i'm not talking old stuff i'm not talking like the fear inventory itself but all of us in this room i would say in the last week or two you have reoccurring fears running through your mind don't you that list may be six seven eight of them that's what's rubbing up against you today then you walk into the meeting they say how you doing you go i do is fine wake up in the one hand you are in the other you're not see I had nine fears 1030 at night no one's around finished the evening review all hooked up this voice y'all never quit smoking you'll die a horrible death Have a good night. Y'all know what I mean about them voices, right? We'll have a little fun. I want to introduce you to your host of characters if I can. This morning when y'all got up within about five or ten minutes, imagine that you had a table. Imagine there's chairs, and you all had internal dialogue going on this morning, right? The voices. Some of you perhaps think that is a singular voice. It is not. I'll introduce you to my voices. You can identify your own. The voices are a combination of the different things you have going in your life that you think identify who and what you are. So, here's some of mine. We have the spiritual guy. We have Mr. AA. Those are two different guys, by the way. Mr. AAA, if you don't follow the group conscious, he's going to be in your face. The spiritual guy, he is all forgiving. Different guys. We have a spiritual guy called Mr. A. We have The Jock, right? Got a jock in me. We have the present owner of my company. He's in there. We have a friend. We have to sponsor. We have The Powell. We have THE Boyfriend. We have THe Author. I've always had a Rambo in me. He's In There. And I would say, for the most part, that's pretty well my host of characters. and all those are all those different identities well as you well know if you walk up to somebody and just meet somebody what's the second or third thing out of your mouth what do you ask them what do you do like that has anything to do with anything but we're all asleep dream we're awake so we just do that what do You do by the way if you want to mess with people in that area just look at and say I breathe and you they don't know where to go with it but here's what happened this morning I get up obviously there's a caffeine addict in there because he says get the coffee going I'm not smoking so I didn't have to listen to nicotine man oh god I've been up against a new guy I got this guy with me he's on vacation so the AA guy says well you're going to give a talk tonight so you know you got to do the disciplines otherwise you're a god damn liar so get the big book open the guy on vacation says no we've got 100 pages left in that novel dammit we're on vacation we want to read now I haven't even used the bathroom walk 10 feet jog we're going out to work out if we don't work out you're gonna get fat now I get over at the coffee pot and I'm making the coffee spiritual man oh isn't this fantastic boyfriend he had some shit to say just incredible and those see I have fun with all this but there was a time that I all those voices and all those identities I really thought was me Let me explain the problem with that. That's where all your inventory comes from. Any of those, I'll give you some examples. Let's say that in my last inventory, I wrote on three past employees. So if you have a businessman and you're an owner of a company, what does he need to be to exist? He needs a company. He needs the company to be successful. So anything that happens that hurts, threatens, or interferes with that, he's fighting for his life. So he wrote inventory. I had a couple of my friends who didn't do what I wanted. So the friend wrote inventory A couple of My Sponsees Didn't Do What I Wanted. The sponsor wrote inventory What's a sponsor need to be to exist? Need sponsees that toe the line. Right? See now I have a lot of fun with this But I've got to tell you, at one time, there's another book that said, wear the world like a loose garment. I really know what that means. I live in a world of impermanence. I'm in the world to play the role that God has signed, but I don't get attached to the role because it could end just like that. I've listened to some fifth steps lately. The one in particular is this relationship dynamic where a relationship ends. So imagine the role that you're in is on Broadway. Show's over. Guess what we do? We go back to the theater. No one there but us. Nobody's coming in. No other stage characters. Then we bring that into the meetings, and we share with them about the old movie we used to be in. Right? No reality to it anymore. But we give it. Except what we give. You see what I'm saying? I do a thing I call theater of lie. I'll tell you why I want to spend some time with you on this, is at somewhere around that nine, nine and a half years when I had gone to work, when I got sober, I went to work for a company working 60, 70, 80 hours a week sometimes, and that job ended a year later because most of my identity came from that job. I almost committed suicide behind that because my identity was tied into it. How many of you have had relationships and had a broken heart? Well, you know why? You're getting your identity through the relationship. What does a boyfriend need to be to exist? He needs a girlfriend. Girlfriend says, thanks, we're done. Peels off. She didn't just break up. She said he doesn't exist. he's fighting for his life big book says in that state the wrongdoing of others fancy real has the power to kill this is real stuff this is the tragedy of the ego but i have fun with it like craig and i right you know craig is so i'm mad don't say who's mad which stage character's mad you see you start to have fun avec yourself quit taking yourself so seriously Like Brad, he has a penchant for drama sometimes You guys brought that up He was actually late for a meeting Can you imagine what Mr. AA said to him? Can you imagine what that voice said? you SOB you've been telling people for years never be late for a meeting and now you're late you just gave them carte blanche to be late all the time you idiot all your teachings are gone in a week of one eye that's after we looked at him and said how you doing he said oh just great you heaven forbid a sponsee come up and said well i think i need to end this relationship see what's because what's it what's the sponsor need to be to exist need sponsees right fighting for my life see you can't it's a horrible way to go through life how are we doing on time on the recording hello Time? Say what? Ten minutes? Twenty minutes. Okay. All right. I don't want to go over. Brad said he'd shoot me if I did. So let's go back to this. Look at your current unmanageability. See if there's fears that you're up against. Current stuff, not old stuff, ladies and gentlemen. Current, current. Right? Get current with your life. then you get to take that into chapter two we agnostics here's another little list you could make make a list of your current agnosticism some believers sphincter muscle just went what do you think i mean by current agnosticism what do YOU THINK I MEAN BY THAT any speculations bingo where god is it one hint would be those fears there's no god current agnosticism god and agnesticism cannot exist in the same space by the way don't fall for this some of you i'll bet think because you tell me you believe in god you do here's the valid question are you living your life as though you believe in god hmm see the ego will your ego will trick you your mind right i love eckhart tolle's definition of ego a mind made false sense of self where my mind tells me where i'm getting my sense of itself from and one of the great tricks is i tell you that i believe in god we agnostics gets real clear that this is about knowing god this is about gaining access to god this has nothing to do with believing in god what a what a great gift we're given through this process of the steps and it's not belief it's knowing it's a revolutionary spiritual experience make the hair in the back of your head stand up knowing god big difference huge difference so when i go back through the steps again i take a look at my current agnosticism because if i got some you all got some and I look at my fears I look at some of that unmanageability and I bring it into the second step again two parts to that second step am I willing to believe there's a power greater than myself that can take me past here here you all understand what I mean when I say here everything I think I know all my belief systems, all my experiences? Is there more past here? Are there dimensions of joy, wonder, love, service, pain that I know nothing about? Am I willing to believe that? Yes. Otherwise, God is finite. Yes. I'm willing to leave. I can be taken past here into dimensions I know nothing about. Into experiences I know nothing about I'm willing to go for that Yes I love agnostics. Don't try and define or comprehend the power Today I have no concept of God I was stripped of it It's like a wave is a part of the ocean. It has all the properties of the ocean but it's not the ocean that's kind of like how I feel I am with God I have all the properties of God but I'm not God yet I have all the priorities and beyond that I don't know how to explain it but all is well in my world always all is well even if it's a mess all is well I distinguish between my life and my life circumstances stay hooked up and awake to your life take that into an ever changing life circumstances this world of impermanence which we hate because we're fear-based that sense of conscious separation chuck c used to talk about the more you feel separated from your true self god and others the more you will be afraid that's how you'll go through life no authenticity to that no authenticity your insides and outsides do not match big book talks about we present to the world our stage character second step another piece faced with a self-imposed crisis Here's my self-imposed crisis. I'm in my 26th year. I'm up against me. That's my self-imposed crisis I can no longer postpone or evade. I had to fearlessly face the proposition. God is everything. I'm going to place all this under God again all this new stuff What is my choice to be? And I sit with that. I sit with that, and then I make that choice. I'm going to do it. Now, that choice for me is going to thrust me into my third step. Been sober for a while. There's a great exercise. You get done with the ABCs, and you're starting to look at your third step, there's a requirement you and I have to meet before we make our third step decision. You know what that is? Am I convinced that my life, 26 years sober, ran on my will, cannot and will not work. Stop and you sit with that. And I like to take a look at where I'm trying to run my life and my will. If any of you are struggling with that, just ask some of your friends. They'll help you. Or your significant other. Listen, honey, 25 years sober. I just thought to ask you a little question, I'm sure you don't have much to say but I'm examining whether or not I might be running any areas of my life on self-will. If they say pull out a notebook, you know you're in delusion, right? But you can sit and look at that and you can test that. I did that. Asked a few of my employees, they said yeah, yeah, you can be that way at times. Okay. Ask some of my pals, yeah. Okay, get it? And then the book spends a page and a half describing what it looks like when you and I run our life on our will. Our arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as I wished. By the way, do as they wish also means how you act. When I listen to fifth steps or when I read inventory, visualizations work well for me. When I'm working with this third step stuff and fourth and fifth step, I like to imagine myself in a little amphitheater like this and it's bowl shaped and then at the front is a stage there's this big throne chair my ass is parked in and all the people that are in my life are sitting in this amphitheatre and i can see him and if my arrangements would only stay put if only craig would do as i wished and brad would boom and i have these scripts for you the way i need you to act in order for me to be okay. Now, unfortunately I don't give them to you. You are to read my mind and I'm going to get my complete sense of self from scripts I've never given you. It may, it's just amazing. Now I'm gonna get upset because you did not read my mine. Maybe you were a little short when in fact I needed all of your attention that moment to feel good about myself? You didn't give it to me? You know, it's just and you sit and you look at that and you go oh my God what a horrible way to live getting my entire sense of self from all these people that I have no control over. Waking up to that will get your speak your muscle moving. Seriously most people when I start working where they may have no idea they're placing their entire life. Well, here's how it looks. It'd be like, let's say that Brad was that way, right? Then if I wanted to know how Brad was feeling, I would just call all of his friends. I wouldn't even have to bother calling Brad. I'd just call his friends and say, Robert, how are you doing today? I want to know what Brad's doing. Why are you calling me? Well, because if you're not doing well, Brad won't be doing well. Don't even need to bother talking to Brad. We've all done that, haven't we? Right? Until I got free of this, until that last marriage I was in, if you want to know how I was doing, all you had to do was call Carla. Say, how are you doing, Carla? Not good. Thanks. I'm going to stay away from Mark. see i didn't set out to live that way i didn t i was asleep dreaming i was awake had no idea that was going on given all my power and everything out here employers and her and blah blah blah blah they got sick behind that a lot of suffering behind that and realized god never intended me to live thatway and i was a sleep to something what was it by god i started to wake up and i took my power back and i did that to a lot of inventories some outside books from spiritual teachers like the 11 step tells us to look at i still remember the day my entire sense of self was derived from the inside out and i got free that day i could truly love you you know why because you don't need to do anything for me to be just fine and i'm just here to give give give and i don't need anything from you and then the paradox of the whole thing is when you get to that place and don't do anything you got more coming at you and you know what to do but as long as i need it i can't have it wow and everything's on loan and boy i get that when you gets to that point you're not going to be able to get that you don't take anything for granted anymore you don' t take palace for granted you don''t take relationships you don'T take your health you DON'T take anything You know how freeing it is to not have to go through the day and that day being determined by someone else's behavior? Wow. What a great thing. That happens with a lot of work with the fourth and fifth step, ladies and gentlemen. Go back to your own little amphitheater. What are you trying to arrange? My arrangements should only stay put if they only do as I wish. The only elected Democrat this time. Just crazy stuff. They changed the immigration law. It's just wacko stuff. If she would only behave, if they'd only give me more money, if I could only sell more, all this is out here controlling how you're feeling, how you experience yourself. All I ever wanted was happiness. Well, as long as it's out there, you'll never have it. All that does is guarantee that you'll be fear-based your entire life. Right? Wow. So you start to look at what it looks like when you're living a life based on self-will. See, a lifebased on self will is always externally driven. It's not internally driven. It's externally driven so the extent to which something outside yourself will determine how you experience yourself is the extent of your life and the extent in which you're living a live driven by self-willed. Damn, that was good. I've never said that before. Then the book takes you over to finally describe what's wrong with us. Selfishness, self-centeredness It's the root of my troubles. When I experience myself in that setting that I told you about, here's what happens. Where I'm getting my sense of self out here. The book says when that goes on, I will be driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking. I mean, I'm going to look at all you, particularly when you're not doing what I want. And I'm going to pick one of those tools, fear, self-seeking, self-delusion, self seeking. And I am going to use that tool to attempt to coerce you to change so I am okay. So I go through life being driven by a hundred forms. And as a result of that, here is what I do. I step on the toes of my fellows, column one. And they retaliate, column two. And they hurt me, column three. But the book goes on to say at some point in time in the past, No, it says invariably, which means every time I made a decision based on me, which later placed me in a position to be hurt. I truly do create my reality. And that is a wonderful thing. Then it follows that with all my troubles are my own making. If you don't get that, you can't get free. See, I'm so glad I know that. All my troubles are my own making, nobody else's. Then a couple other lines which we also don't discuss in meetings. It says, it doesn't say quit drinking at this point. You know what the book says? As far as I can tell, past page 23, the book doesn't talk to you and I about drinking. The reason is simple. If I never have an obsession of the mind to convince me to take a drink, I'll never experience a phenomenon of craving. Therefore, my main problem centers in my mind. unfortunately i need a spiritual solution to treat the main problem centers of mine that's why very little the big book is occupied with drinking because that's not the problem matter of fact they tell me it's a symptom what's the problem i'm discussing the problem selfishness self-centeredness is the road of my trouble that's the program and then the book goes on to say above everything what does that mean says above everything i must be rid of this selfishness or it kills me why don't we bring that up as a topic in meetings i don't know what you when you all feel but i think the words it kills me are fairly significant i think we should probably talk about that a little bit more What is it? Selfishness. It will kill you. That's why you drink. You all understand the connection between your selfishness and drinking? Anybody who doesn't, you wouldn't answer anyhow. Here's the connection. If I'm consumed with myself, the world's got to present itself in a certain way for me to be okay. What will happen is that won't happen that day. She won't act the way I want, the job, whatever. And then what happens is then I begin to get diseased. I begin To get resentful. And now I begin TO get blocked. And if you pile a few of those up on top of me and then you kick fear into it and now I'm completely blocked, at some point I have a voice that would say, You know, you never have during Corona. They got a lot of that shit down here. Besides, Mark. I'm here for you, buddy. I know it's been a long time, but I'm still here. I made all this go away. And if I'm not in fit spiritual condition, I'm going to believe that and I'm going to take a drink. And then I'm gonna activate a phenomenon called craving. And once I take a Drink, I don't know where it's gonna take me. That's the connection between your selfishness and dying an alcoholic death. That is what we're in the rooms for, to die the death of self. by the way another topic never talked about in the rooms fascinating topic right before i make my third step decision at the bottom of page 62 it says with god's help you and i could be entirely rid of self why aren't we talking about that do you think they meant entirely rid itself no just a horse shit line just thrown in there yeah they meant entirety rid of cell I've known some men and women sitting in their rooms who are entirely rid of self some of you probably know some amazing people entirely rid of self all they do is love love love love Don P spoke the night before he died last 10 15 years of his life you'd look into his eyes like looking to an ocean he was entirely rid of self it happens oh just don't drink go to me no no oh my god is there more beyond our wildest dreams beyond our wild estrange the depth and weight of what is available to us in the pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. No end to it. It was good with AA. Really? Whenever I hear that, I think their favorite slogan must be meeting makers make it. Let me help you with that. Meetings do not bring about a change in my interior condition. I may have a little epiphany I will certainly feel better because I'm spending a little time with my tribe. When I walk out that door, I still got to meet myself, don't I? That's what the steps do. That's the discipline of 10-11. They let the insides and the outsides match. Then you start taking that into the meetings, see? So, I had to have God's help. Bottom of page 62 is where you make your third step decision. It's about this relationship with this power. it's a very paradoxical thing i'll give you another exercise i've given you some great exercises haven't here's another one make a list of the areas currently in which you're playing god because in order to get god's help what do we have to do i had to quit playing god didn't i everyone in here we all got them you got some areas you're paying god and the book goes on to tell me why you and i gotta quit playing God because it, me playing God doesn't work because I'm not God. And I don't know what you came down here to do or how you came done here to it. I'm here to dance my dance, sing my song and that's what I better get my focus on. Let you do yours. Maybe you like jazz, I happen to like rock and roll and blues. I need to stay focused on that, right? Then it talks about that relationship. God is going to be my director and you take a dictionary and you look up those words so you're clear on them. I'm going to be the director, and I'm going to do the acting. I'm the actor. I'm gonna be the principal. I'm a be the agent. How come we don't talk about that? What's it like to be an agent for God? You ever look up that word? You know what that word is? And you look that word up means someone who has been empowered to act for someone else. Oh, heaven forbid, we don'T want to act like that would be any humility in that really. why do you think the book uses it god is my principle i am god's agent what heresy he's committed no i'm not more of us need to stand on that you do this work you're an agent of god in every area of your life relationships and in the meetings how you pay everything you are an agent of God of and for God that power comes through you stand on that claim that that false humility will always be recovery no you won't yeah i'm a recovered alcoholic oh no heresy started on the title page take your concordia look up how many times the big book used the word recovery it's only once or twice use the word recovered i have recovered from a whole the state of mind and body now if i lie to you It's not because of whiskey. It's because I'm a liar. See, by the way, I'm glad we're talking about this. I sit in meetings and everyone likes to blame alcoholism for just being an asshole. See, outside of a craving of the body, an obsession of the mind, got it, that makes me an alky. Otherwise, I am just a human being like all other human beings, right? If I'm a jerk, it's not because I'm an alky. Because I'm a jerk. I can't have a meaningful life because I am an alkey. Read the book. There is no what the book says. It says you are supposed to be an intelligent agent spirit of God's ever advancing creation. Right? See all that kind of stuff. So you get to make that decision about that relationship. Then you get those incredible third step promises and then that leads us into saying the words the words is not the decision but think about these words and then i'm going to close god i offer myself to thee to build with me and you do with me as thou will relieve me the bondage itself that i may better do thy will take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those i would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. God bless you. I'll see you tomorrow night.