Jessie P. at the 12 Steps and Buddhism Retreat – 2011

Thank you very much. Hi everybody, I'm Jessie and I'm a member of ACA and an alcoholic. I'm very grateful to be speaking. I think it needs to be louder. Okay, I think I put it up to the loudest so I'll just bring it up more. I'm told I have a soft voice. It's a one-sided microphone. I can do that for you. so my talk today is on decoding the third step prayer it's sitting on the island and my kitchen table so that was not intentional I'm really honored to be talking at this retreat I think this is so important to be looking to have a fellowship of people who maybe look at the 12 steps and the experience of going through the 12 steps from a non-theistic viewpoint a Buddhist viewpoint I've spent a lot of years in AA feeling somewhat isolated finding one or two people but never a group of people in 2,000 water. So I'm so grateful to be here. Okay. So the third step is worded differently in my ATA group than my AA group. In my APA group it's made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God instead of as we understood Him. Progress is being made. I'm going to read the third prayer for you, which is found in the big book on page 63. God, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. And I think it's a beautiful prayer, and I have meetings where they end with that prayer, which I'm happy to engage in. But I do some translating in my head to be able to do that. Alright. So I figured I would start by telling you guys about some of my history to put things in context. I'm nervous up here. The first time I read the third step prayer was in October of 1981 in my dorm room at Purchase College, it's a triple, and drinking whiskey out of a coffee mug. My usual position. I really was stunned by the book and I proceeded to make changes in my life. So it's my first exposure to the phrase suffering. And how I got to that position was, I was in a period of my life where I was drinking kind of round the clock, I mean if I was awake I was probably drinking, I uh, I always said This is my second attempt at college, my first attempt at college. At the third semester I kind of ran away because I was flunking out because I was drinking so much and then it's my second college and it was the third semester and the pattern was repeating itself. And I had about a week before reading this book, Horrific Trunk. i was drinking with um a girl who i kind of respected because she was a real drug addict and uh and uh i think he probably mixed some drugs and alcohol i don't know i generally was more at this point in my life more of a drinker but um we drank an awful lot and just one night and then passed out in my room and um in the middle of the night my friend was passed out on her back was throwing up and choking on her vomit and it was a triple thank god so i had two roommates and they saw what was happening and they helped her out and then they tried to wake me up to help her out and um they had a lot of difficulty waking me up but from what I'm told they were able to get me awake somewhat so that I could help my friend clean her up and from what i'm told we went down the hall to the bathroom and cleaned her up When my phone was full, I was topless, which was awful for me. I mean, it was awful. It was a wicked shock. So, my thing was okay. And the next day, I was in my dorm room and I begged God for help. I got on my knees and I asked, Jesus, God, whoever, I need help. This was not like me. I was brought up in an atheistic environment. I did not have any religious training. i envied people who had a belief in god and uh i had none so i was desperate though and i prayed for help what happened so i lay down and i went to sleep and i slept well and i woke up and i felt great i felt like i had slept well and i was actually refreshed this was not how i normally woke up and uh i i woke up feeling good and i stood up and i slowly remembered what had just happened the day before and all of the dread and horror and shame that I just lived with came back and it was practically physical and I and I saw that for a few moments I wasn't that way so to me that was a spiritual experience it was a real gift so the next day or two I was at my parents house and I took down the book Alcoholics Anonymous which was on their bookshelf it had been on their bookshelf for many years but I'd never seen it before and somehow it caught my eye I took it down and I read it I should get back to dorm room, I guess. Just get back to my college. And I read it. And the book said a lot to me. It said that life can be different than the way I was living it. And it talked a lot about God and all of my feelings around, or thoughts around what that God is, who he is came back and I was totally resistant. Did not believe sincerely did not believe so over a few days I stopped, I reamed myself off alcohol and I went to my first meeting of Alcoholic Synonymous and to me this is really an embodiment of the first step because I was walking into something I had no idea what it was and it was a life-changing thing so I had my last week in 1983, two years later. But I spent all that time in the AA, just slipped and slipped for a little bit. My acquaintance with the Third Step Prayer was I really tried to say it and live it from the theistic perspective that seems to be all in, as best I could. I tried to bring my whole body to the third step prayer right on the theist. I really, I tried that for years. And, you know, if I try it that way, it's really not working. working. I thought that I had to be Mother Teresa, that I have to conform to some external higher powers to get some plan for my life. Ugh! I didn't believe it. I didn t believe there was such a thing. So you know, it was a struggle in the program because I definitely I had to stay sober. I wanted to stay sober. And I worked the other steps to the best of my ability. I stayed very connected to meetings and all the chart sponsors and you know I did everything I could to stay sober. And you know, I still am sober. So I do what I can. But I was really uncomfortable for a long time. and then I discovered the Dharma and now I'm so much more comfortable now so decoding the third prayer God I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt so now when I say that I see the word first word that jumps out at me is I offer myself and putting aside the word God in Buddhist practice from what I see I offer myself in that I enter the present moment I I'm willing to enter reality with all of you and all the things of this world not knowing what's going to happen. I mean, truly, we don't know what's going to happened. But I offer myself to be I'm doing this consciously it makes sense to me now somehow to do with me and to build with me is valuable I see this as a statement around impermanence a lot of the basic teaching in Buddhism is that everything is impermanent and a lot times when I'm thinking of that I think of it in terms of everything passes away equally true everything builds up and to build with me as thou wilt is acknowledging that the dynamic of the moment includes the building that I'm here in the world, I'm a part of. As thou wilt, while thou's little part matter, but I can say with acceptance as best I can with what is believe me in the bondage of God now there's a line I like very Buddhist to my view no such no centralized individual self relieve me of the bondage of self it's like relieve me the bonds with this delusion i have that i am this centralized self separate from everybody else because that that belief um creates all sorts of pain and trouble in my life and i think around the place it's like that line is so beautiful because by being relieved that the body is just self I kind of lost my thought one second Being relieved of the bondage itself is like entering, again, reality and the moment as it is. If I think I have a self, I'm always fighting to uphold that because it's not really true. and reality is going to win. So I can have all these ideas about having this individual self and it's always under attack because the truth is whatever I think is myself is actually a combination of things, way bigger than just myself. I'm here because we had food I sit because there's ground. I don't see how I could be an individual self. And when I think I'm in that delusion of my individual self, I get really worried whether you like me, and then I probably think you don't. Or, you know, I wonder, How's it going to be when I'm old? Am I going to have a politician? And I think, probably not. I'm sad. I'm sorry. You know, I've got worries about my end result. Take away my difficulties. That victory over them made their witness to those I would help with my power, my love, and my way of life. So if I can put myself into the frame of mind where I can say that without feeling hypocritical, I'm coming a long way. A lot of times if I'm asking for relief of suffering it's because I want suffering to end. But I also really want to help other people, too, and to be important in that way of making a difference. And so I also totally identify with, take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I will help with my power, my love, and my real life. Well, even though my higher power isn't this theistic external, my higher power does include a lot of love, a lot of power and a lot of the way. So it's still a beautiful sentence from the prayer for me. may I do thy will always problematic I hope that when I say that I can I hope I can stay awake for the present moment moment after moment after moment may I stay awake when I'm not asleep May I continually be willing to enter the present moment and be here for the people around me. It's really important, especially in my family, but also here. And then maybe, may I take care of the business of my life appropriately and gain those skills that I need to do that in my work life, you know, in other areas of my life. I have a lot of developing skills and I guess may I do what I will always is, may continue to grow with life. Now, on my kitchen iron is a wonderful book where I had a little reading to top this off with. But I guess we'll leave it out. I think I can talk about it. It was a reading from Pema Chodron's Comfortable with Uncertainty and in it it talked about, and why I wanted to bring it here is to talk about I think you talked about entering the moment. Okay, thank you. We could open it up for questions or questions if you're not. So, thank-you. Would anybody like to make a statement say what you're feeling from what you've seen or what do you think about the third step prayer I'd like to make two comments the first is that having left your speech on the table at home you did an extraordinary job And I think that that speaks well for the sense of the fact that you really know what you really need. That's wonderful. Mine, in many cases with respect to things like the Third Step Prayer are actually not to trouble but I think your interpretation was very good that I don't trouble with trying to use that prayer in a way where I manipulate it into the thoughts that I have you know