Janet S. – The 12 Steps – The Root of Self-Centered Fear – 2014

Press statement. Our public relations policy is based upon attraction rather than promotion. We need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. This is to protect the membership and reputation of Narcotics Anonymous. We do not disclose last names or appear in the media as members of Narcotics Anonymous." If members of the press approach you, please contact Convention Information. They will be more than willing to assist you. Responsibility statement. Please keep in mind that your contact is a reflection of N.A. If you are unable to conduct yourself in a responsible manner, you will be asked to leave. Shirts and shoes must be worn in all hallways and public areas at all times. Please keep in mind not everyone stays up late or all night. We need to have peace and quiet in the hallways between the hours of 11 p.m. and 8 a.m., Please keep the noise level in the rooms to a minimum. The committee has provided a hospitality suite for the convenience of group gatherings around the clock. This next segment is a non-smoking convention. Please respect the convention policy that there is no smoking at any convention meeting, workshop, meal, or dance. However, the hotel has a smoking area on the upper level above the game room. Also, the Hotel has a specific section of guest rooms where smoking is allowed. I've asked a few addicts to read starting with who's an addict. My name is Mike and I'm an addict. Hi everybody, I'm grateful to be here this morning. This is Who is an Addict? Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another. The getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We live to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same. Jails, institutions, and death. How it works, please. An act named Rick. Hi, Rick. Hi, family. How it Works. If you want what we have to offer and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible. One, we admitted we were powerless over our addiction that our lives had become unmanageable. Two, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Three, we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Four, we met a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five, we committed to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Six, we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character Seven, we humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. Eight, we made a decision. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Nine, we may direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Ten, we continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Eleven, we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Twelve, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs. This sounds like a big order and we can't do it all at once. We didn't become addicted in one day, so remember, easy does it. There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery. This is an attitude of indifference or intolerance towards spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way. We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel our way is practical for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society and everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society. The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us, you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again. Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to N.A., many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover. 12 Traditions I'm Gary, I'm an addict. The Twelve Traditions of N.A.: We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the twelve steps, so freedom for the group springs from our traditions. As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well. our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends on N.A. unity. Two, for our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority. A loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants they do not govern. Three, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. Four, each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or N.E. as a whole. Five, each Group has but one primary purpose, to carry the message to the act who still suffers. Six, an N.N.A.-Group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the N.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Seven, every N.E. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. Eight, Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. Nine, N.As such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. Ten, Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, Hence, any name ought never be drawn in a public controversy. Eleven, our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Twelve, anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Understanding these traditions comes slowly over a period of time. We pick up information as we talk to members and visit various groups. It usually isn't until we get involved with service that someone points out that personal recovery depends on any unity. and that unity depends on how well we follow our traditions. The 12 traditions of NA are not negotiable. They are the guidelines that keep our fellowship alive and free. By following these guidelines in our dealings with others and society at large, we avoid many problems. That is not to say that our traditions eliminate all problems. We still have to face difficulties as they arise, communications problems, differences of opinion, internal controversies and troubles with individuals and groups outside the fellowship. However, when we apply these principles, we avoid some of the pitfalls many of our problems are like those that our predecessors had to face their hard-won experience gave birth to the traditions and our own experience has shown that these principles are just as valid today as they were when these traditions were formulated our traditions protect us from the internal and external forces that could destroy us they're truly the ties that bind us together it is only through understanding and application they work the topic of this workshop are steps 10 through 12 each of our speakers will share and then there'll be time for comments afterwards and I believe Janet's gonna go first I'm an addict named Janet I'm not real awake yet and so I never know I'm not real sure what you're going to hear but step 10 is we continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it and my experience with this step has been that when I first started doing this step what I found out was that by writing it down okay was that all alike my negative behavior so to speak was that everything that that happened negative in my life was the result of my self-centered fear it all went back to that no matter what it was you know no matter happened if I got real honest that was the root of it I didn't get something I wanted I was afraid I wasn't gonna get something I want and all that stuff so that was like the first big eye opening experience I had from the tenth step it also talks about you know when we were wrong promptly admitted it and a lot of times I knew when I was wrong but that promptly was like a real issue for me that was hard I remember I have a stepson and he was like seven and go and say to him okay I was wrong he really didn't do that and I was wrong and I'm sorry it was like god it was hard it was so hard you know today over time it's gotten easier you know because I'm not willing to be miserable that long anymore it's sort of like most of the time now it's pretty prompt but I use this step and I recently we just finished a 12 step workshop and so I got in the habit of writing this step again every day because there were times in my life where I don't do that but I found that it's really useful and I found the other thing I found was that when I am afraid if like I write those fears out on paper it's like I can see where they have no bearing and today that they're always in the future and they lose a lot of their power it's like I don't have to deal with that today because it didn't happen today you know I can deal with it if and when it happens you know I can deal with it so if it hasn't happened you know basically my sponsor makes me find solutions okay like this is my problem you know this is what I'm afraid of and then what's the solution and my solution would be like you know that I have to just let it go and ask my higher power to take it because it hasn't yet and that works for me sometimes there's something I can do about it you know it's like maybe I need to pay my light bill on time and then I won't have to worry about sitting in the dark you know or whatever you know just doesn't matter so long as I I stay in today and And this step helps me stay in today. And it's a real useful little tool to help me learn more about myself and to choose, you know, to act responsibly so I don't have so much to clean up when I look at this step. also do what I feel good about today you know what what happened that I like today that I felt good about myself about you know and let's let's do some more of that instead of just focusing on what I didn't like about today but it's It's always interesting, you know. The 11th step is we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Well, when I first got here, I didn't have a relationship with my higher power and I had to work on that. I was pretty scientific about that, like in the third step it was sort of like I didn t know if anybody was going to listen, if anything was going happen, it was just a matter of following direction, you know, to start using prayer. You know, my sponsor told me to thank God and thank him in the morning. Well, okay, to ask him to help me stay clean in the morning and to thank him every night. And that was how my prayer and my conscious contact started out. You know? That was all there was. and as time went on in the beginning I learned I didn't know many prayers of my own and so I used prayers I found that I liked and as times gone on my prayers changed. It's basically having a little heart to heart talk with my higher power now and when I do that I get much better contact you know but I had to start with those little things but because I didn't have anything else and I was really rigid for a long time it was like you know I said this is this and I did this this this and i you know got on my knees and and I'm not sorry about that because it's a habit you know and a discipline that stood me in good stead over time. You know, it's like, you know, it's something that I do on a daily basis. As for meditation, you know... I always had a lot of trouble with this. I thought that I had to be in the right position or, you know, say the right thing and, you know, my experience has been that it really doesn't matter. One of the simplest meditations I learned because it was real hard to like quiet my mind was to just count to four. Count to four and breathe after each number and just keep repeating those one through four. now sometimes I get to like 104 before I realize what happened but that has helped me a lot it's like helped me to focus and to just be quiet because I don't like to listen you know I would rather talk I have lots of questions for my higher power um and I want lots of answers but I'm not willing to sit and listen a lot of times. And so that was one of the things that, like, and continues to be a problem for me. I have a real hard time just sitting still for a while and not, you know, and quieting my mind. And it's so wonderful when I do it. But it's like, you now, pulling teeth, okay? So, and I learned actually, like, I had a lady I knew one time and what really got me into meditation and listening was I had an experience where I didn't feel very good about myself. It wasn't so much in the room, but it was out there with other women And because of the stuff I did when I was using, I was less than. And she told me to ask my higher power to forgive me and then to sit there and listen until I felt it. And it didn't happen right away, but it did happen. It took a while. and so aside from like helping me focus and seeing what I need to do you know I get a lot out of this step I don't pray for specific thing learned that a long time ago that I don't know what my higher powers will is for me like my idea is usually the wrong idea I've had lots of you know things happen over time that I didn't particularly liked and particularly want but I've been okay and And I never had to use over it, you know. And actually down the road I can look back and say, gee, you know, that was a good thing. Didn't think so at the time, you know, kicked and screamed and all of those things. But eventually I came to the understanding that, you know, I don't know what's best for me. My higher power does and so I just need to, you know, to get out of my way or out ofmy higher powers way actually and let him work through me and tell me what to do. And today I pretty much know all the time what I'm supposed to be doing you know what's the right thing to do I can choose not to do that I have a choice it's my choice there are consequences you know for all behavior and it's a matter of am i willing to pay those consequences you know and sometimes I am or I think I am until I get into them And then I'm like, oh, jeez, why did I do this again? But that's okay. We all got to do what we got to do in order to learn what we need to learn and that's sort of how I look at it. It would be wonderful if I could come in here and listen to all your experience, strength, and hope and then just change but it doesn't work that way for me. I usually have to experiment for myself um the 12th step is having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps and you know i can tell you i love this part of the 12 steps because i can look back you know on probably ever every step I ever worked, and tell you how that increased my faith in my higher power, how that decreased my relationship with my higher power, how that relationship grew over time, you know. I, you know, the third step, six and seven, eight and nine, you know, it doesn't matter. Pick one. You know, over time, it's like I've had what I would consider like profound experiences in my spiritual growth as a result of working the steps. Um, you know? I've not had the willingness. I've to pray for the willingness to make amends on a daily basis, sometimes for a long time. And then I've gotten it. I haven't known what to say when I made amends and I prayed for what I needed to say, you know, and I've been shown what I need to say. You know, I haven t been able to get rid of my character defects on my own, you know, and to not act out on things. On my own. But when I work the steps and I use my higher power and my conscious contact and my prayer and my meditation, whatever that is for me. Things happen in my life that I never thought would happen, you know. It's a wonderful gift. So it's here. The rest of it is we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs. And, you know, I try to carry the message, and I'm on the 12-step list, and I do all these things, and I believe real strongly in doing those things because I don't think I'd be alive today if it weren't for the program of Narcotics Anonymous. And so the least I can do is, you know, to give some time and some effort back, you know, by showing up and by doing service work and by being there for people who are coming in. You know, it's also, it helps me because sometimes I forget. I forget what it's like, you now, to be desperate, absolutely desperate not to pick up a drug um but i see you or i talk to you and uh you know i'm not so happy i don't think that's such a good idea and i can remember like don't i hardly ever get 12 step calls anymore like people go to treatment people go here people go there but there was one time where i had acted out on behavior that and I was really upset about it. And I was in a lot of pain that I had done it and I didn't know what to do. And, I called my sponsor and she wasn't home and I called most of my friends and they weren't home. And the meetings were over and I did not know what to do but I really was thinking I wanted the pain to go away. I was willing to do just about anything to get rid of the pain. And that was one of the few times I really thought about using you know seriously thought about it and i got a 12-step call and i got some girl who had like two days clean you know who who wanted to use and it was like man i don't want to go back there no thank you you know it's like my higher power works in my life you know, when I need it. Sometimes I don't see it, sometimes it's real apparent, you know. But by carrying the message, you know. I didn't have to use, you now. And it's a wonderful way of life and you know if other people choose, you know, to come here, then there was somebody here when I got here. So I'm going to be here when somebody else comes. I don't know what happens to people. They get some time and they disappear. And, you know, it's sort of like my commitment to myself is to stay here and to keep showing up. Cause I'm still really too afraid to not do that. You know, and I plant the seed and like a lot of people don't stay clean the first time I see them or talk to them or whatever. And that's okay. I got clean in Ohio and I remember there was a woman I used to lug around with me everywhere. All she wanted was her kids back. You know she didn't really care well I went back there to a convention and she was working registration you know a couple years down the road so you just never know what's gonna happen and it says we get to practice these principles in all our affairs and that's basically it practice practice practice because I never get it completely right okay you know it's a matter of practice just keep practicing it's progress not perfection you know so i didn't do it today you know maybe tomorrow i'll do it you know i don't know i have a thing i like jewelry that's my thing um you know I stay out of jewelry stores one day at a time kind of thing because if i don't go in a jewelry store i don t buy jewelry same thing you know and uh like well this year um there was a jewelry store having a closeout sale right before christmas they were going out of business And I went in there, and I looked at this ring. And it was like a lot of money, and I said no. And I went back, and it was less money. And I went back and the guy said, okay, another 10%, 12 months, same as cash. And I bought it. Okay. Now, it's been a long time, been a couple years since I bought any big ticket jewelry. You know, it was progress, not perfection. And I really like it. And do I like making those 12-month payments? No. But that's okay. I'm not perfect. And I think having done it again one more time, next time I'll probably think a little harder about it. We just keep practicing. whatever it is I don't think I have anything else to say so I thank you all for listening, I'm happy to be here and be clean Thanks, Janet. Bradley, please. Hi, everybody. I'm Brad. I'm the addict. Hey, Brad. step 10 says we continue to take personal inventory and went wrong promptly admitted it I have an anger management problem I had this anger management probably before I got clean and it's taking some work for me I have to do this inventory because I have a boss that he's gotten lot better but you know man I tell you this man you know he can be not real desirable and he really hates it when he's doing some kind of behavior that I find unacceptable and I look at him and I say I love you too and it took me a long time to get that point my sponsor said I should say tell him you love him too you know or kill him and uh you know i have to look at each of my day at the end of my and i have know that i didn't lash out on somebody because i can do that in a heartbeat you know and i really really hate going back and making non-step amends So if I don't lash out on nobody today, then tomorrow, next week, next year, I'm going to have to go back and make amends. And that's been working for me. I do work the steps, and I've started them over. And it's just a continuous. I used to think, well, if I just do 10th step all the time over and over every day, then I don't never have to go back and do it fourth again. But that's not how this program works for me. Step 11, we thought through prayer and meditation. That started for me the last day I used because the last thing I used, I was curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor crying, praying to God to help me find some kind of way to live other than how I was living and whatever I had to do, I would do. and I've had to do some serious footwork and a lot of things that I really didn't want to to keep my clean-time birthday. But I tried this program before, and I tried it and did things my way, and I learned about recovery when I was a very young man. And I had to go back out there and stay out there and practice until I didn't have anything left or nowhere to go. and uh you know i still do prayer and meditation the meditation i don't do as long as i used to i don'T pray for anything specific for me because for me ever since i got clean everything that i have needed has been handed to me on a silver platter i've always had somewhere to live I always had a warm place Warm dry place to sleep I always Had plenty to eat And I always Had at least two dollars In my pocket What in the heck Do I need to pray for I don't need anything You know It's okay for me To pray for somebody else To have something Not me Just Just keep me clean today And You know I never forget to I never forgot I never get to say thanks At the end of the day Before I go To sleep Close my eyes and because I'm living on borrowed time should have died over and over You know and that continued to Continued that to do this you know, I have a great big God that He knows I've part near destroyed my whole life, but he loves me anyway and uh and that's really way cool because i had to find a new understanding of god when i come to narcotics anonymous because the one that i understood when i was a youngster was entirely different and uh you know today i don't know what god's will for me is i don'T HAVE THE BLUEPRINTS I don't need blueprints I just keep putting one foot in front of the other I take care of me to the best of my ability You know, and whatever's supposed to happen is going to happen And I can fight it tooth and nail And they ain't going to change it And I've tried that in my recovery Tried fighting change tooth and nails I mean hung on And things had claw marks in them and I had to hear a lot of addicts tell me that this must not be God's will for you in your life or this is the way it would be. And, you know, pretty much deal with it. I don't do things, change that I don' t want very good but I finally surrender and do it. having had a spiritual awakening you know I didn't have any spirituality when I got clean I was empty in here I didn'y have any money I didn''t have any nothing I didn ''t think I had anything to share with anybody I do things today that feed my spirit And, you know, I really love going to recovery campouts in the summertime because by the time that campout's over, I get my spirit filled up and I can sit around the campfire and share with other addicts, you Know. I get My Spirit filled up and I Can carry on with My life. You know, My Spirit suffers in the wintertime because I can't do that. And so I do other things. and as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message through the addicts and i've had so many addicts that i have carried and walked through all kinds of stuff with and i keep losing them you know i got a couple that i haven't lost but i keep losing them. And I remember how it was for me. I wasn't done until I didn't have nothing left or nowhere to go. And so I have to let them do it too. You know, when I first got clean for a long time, I would wonder why did I live through all I lived through? And And, you know, the best thing that I can figure out, the only thing I can finger out is because, you know, I'm supposed to help other addicts. So I still do it. And it don't matter what it takes. You know, if they call me in the middle of my sleep and I've got to go have coffee, I'll go help that addict. You know? You just never know what you're going to find yourself doing. And the thing about that is, is because for me, I was so sick when I got here. And there was about ten addicts that would take turns grabbing hold of me, taking me here and there. And if they hadn't been carrying me, then I wouldn't be here still because I couldn't walk, you know. So I just have to give back what's been given to Brad, you know. And that's been hard sometimes because when I lose him, it feels like it's taking a hunk of me out, taking me with him. I still keep doing it, you now, Because if we don't help the addict, he still suffers, and we're in serious trouble. For me, you know, I've done quite a bit of service work, and it's lacking some now. But for me, the most important and highest level of service is the addict that opens the door to a meeting. Because where are we going to go if we can't go to a meet? You know, and I did that too. you know I'm grateful for all them addicts that do that everything that happens in Narcotics Anonymous because after doing some service work you know i know that conventions like this activities they don't happen just because they happen uh i'm real grateful for all that does happen and i do try to practice these principles in all my affairs and i'm still not perfect i'll never be perfect i don't ever be a circuit speaker i'm just grateful you know every day i open my eyes i'm grateful for another day of life because it shouldn't be that way. I had a lot of friends that died out there. I don't know how long I'm supposed to talk, but I think I'm done now. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm Jeff. I'm an addict. I'm glad you got a grip on that anger control thing after I spilt your coffee this morning I feel a lot better about that we've got plenty of time for comments and it's an open mic so if you don't want to be taped stand away otherwise come on up here and share my name is Tommy and I'm an addict and I am so thankful for his neck right now um i want to thank the two people that shared and uh it i was fortunate i went to a meeting a couple weeks ago in indianapolis i heard a lady talking about um she liked to buy jewelry i was there and uh i think the day you was in this story and i understand you know my sickness can kick in a lot of different directions and i really like what i heard brad say about you know i used to think i could just work the 10th step regularly you know and i'm gonna be okay i might be okay but if i'm standing still i'm going backwards I have to go back to all those principles All those principles comes into some prevention And I don't want to forget that This really helps me see where I've been Where I'm at And where I have the potential to go And it's the love from the heart That I can actually feel for myself now That maybe I can share the way you shared today. Because the unconditional love of another addict, I don't want to forget that. You know, there are people in this Narcotics Anonymous has been like my guardian angels. I'm going through a very hard time now, you know, and I've got some continuous years clean. But I'm right back to the basics. I'm all right back to the beginning. I don't want to forget I'm still sick. I want to thank you from my heart and God bless. Hi everybody, I'm Jamie and I'm an addict. I'm from crown point but my family my mom and her family were born and raised here in Terre Haute so I feel like I'm coming home again this has been really wonderful for me I spent years and years on six and seven and and blew off eight and nine to a great degree and I think you know a lot of it was most of the amends I had to make were to me you know and so I've really just started getting into in the last six months really doing a tenth step and and I don't write it down a lot I like what you shared about that that was really something that I need to think about but I love the part about the good things too and I think I'm so good at kicking myself I need to remember to write down those good things and think about those good because I am a new person and and it's because of the people in these rooms who have showed me how to be that person and And I loved what you shared about those addicts coming in and out. And, you know, we had an addict recently who's new coming into our rooms and talking about how, you Know, in 30 days they had called their sponsor five times and she had only called them twice. And I thought, gosh, you Now, if you only knew the heartache that we endure being around for a while and how hard it is to make that commitment to the newcomer. Maybe you'd understand a little bit about why sometimes it's not all pouring love on you, because it is. It is a heartbreak, but I think the beautiful thing is that there is a payoff every once in a while, and it's just so wonderful to see that addict thrive and grow and watch their progress and see them become beautiful people, And I really love that. But I think for me right now, it's really great doing the 10th step. And it is hard with my son. I have a 6-year-old boy and it's so hard sometimes because I have anger too. I learned it all from my dad. And I just thought it was normal to yell and normal to just blow up about spilling milk or whatever. And I've really done a lot to become aware of that and not do that and try to break that cycle, but I don't do it as good as I could. But I love that I can make immediate amends. I mean, I can stand there fighting with him about getting his shoes on, which is so important, and stop myself and just say, you know, this is really not what's important. What's important is that this little boy knows that I love him, and I can stop right there and say, you know what? I am really sorry. I should not be yelling at you. You are so important to me and I love you and sit and say a little prayer with him to kind of get myself centered back and he blesses me so much. The other day I did that and we sat and I said, I'm going to say a Little Prayer and then you can say something if you want but if you don't want to, amen and I say a Lil' Prayer about, you now, Lord lift me up and hold me in your hands and give me the strength to be patient. And I love this little boy, even when he's slow. And I said, in Jesus' name, that's my thing. And he said, God, I thank you for my mom, who I love more than anything in the world. Amen. And it was just like, wow, I could see the greatness in working this 10th step and not waiting an hour or a day or a week or a year and you know and I've got I've one more amends to make that I realized and and I hope I can get through it but I really I really appreciate everything that you guys have shared and it makes me feel good that it's like wow I am kind of doing these steps and I am I am doing something and maybe I am getting this from sticking around long enough and and it feels really good to hear some other people sharing about what works for them so thank you so much Hi I'm Gary, I'm an addict, and I'm shy. Think the thing that stood out to me the most about 10th, 11th, and 12th is the tenth step about maintaining that personal inventory. The reason that really stood out was a few years ago, I got clean in Florida and I moved up here. I'm not going to say as much but I left a lot of wreckage in the program when I moved up here, I did a lot stupid things real early in recovery and I tried to pick up and do the running thing. And fortunately, although it seemed unfortunate to me at the time, I had continued working a program. So all of that guilt and stuff came up and it got to the point where I had to work through the 8th and 9th and all them on what I had done in the program. And the thing that fortified me continuing to take my inventory was when I went down to a convention a few years ago and had to make some real hard amends, you know, I did some stuff to with my sponsor that he didn't know about and I had to let him know at a convention and I'm glad he worked the program because he didn' t hit me you know I had look a lot of people that were there from the first day I got clean that I had known for a long time that knew me real intimately and I had to go up and say you know you didn't know this before but I did this and I was wrong and I need to make it right and uh I got some closure I got some people that just didn't want to talk to me anymore and that's okay but the biggest thing you know and I learned to forgive myself over that but the greatest thing was I don't want have to do that again I really don't and it's so much easier you know I'd lived up here a couple years before I went back so I didn't get to do the the 10th step or admit it promptly when I was wrong I had to sit and think about it and stew over it and look at it for years and say, you know. And then it came up, my higher power is great. My higher power left some money there and said, you know what, you're going to frickin' do this year. You're flying to Florida and you're gonna take care of this. And, you now, I went to that convention not as a convention. I went there at convention to clean house, take care or some business. And that felt good. But the pain, you kno, when I think about it, when I talk about it that pain's still there and I don't, you know, I rigorously, you know, lately, I'm in college now. I'm doing the I'm going to start college thing. And I'm back in college, and I caught myself getting into some old behavior with a couple people and said some things and did some things that weren't right. It's just funny how this program works because I found myself the next day going, okay, listen, I was wrong. You were right. What can I do to make it right? And, you know, it's so funny because it's with, you know, earthlings and they don't understand the make it right concept. They're like, oh, you're sorry? Okay. I'm like, no, I need to make this right. And that's cool. You know, this program is just awesome. You Know, I pray and meditate. I got, you know... I've got my own beliefs which I don't get into. But, uh, you Know, this program has given them to me. And I give back as much as I can. I've always been involved in 12-step work in some way or another. I've done a lot of structured service work, which I don't want to do that no more. I like to do a lot more on the more meeting level stuff and the more reaching out to the still-suffering addict. But when I got clean, I called people at 4 o'clock in the morning. That's just the way I was brought up. And I was told, you know, if y'all were dumb enough to give me your number and say call any time, I'm calling 4 o'. in the morning say I'm freaking out you need to come meet me somewhere you know and I've sat at a diner at three o'clock in the morning with like five other addicts welcome up out of bed they come in their roles and we'd sit there and have coffee you know I had I had a sponsor pick me up and I was in a bad situation where I was living family members were still using actively in the house and I couldn't handle it and you know how to sponsor come had to be up at work in the morning he got up drove over there picked me up and brought me to his house and threw me on the couch he said you know I gotta work there's a phone there's computer there's a fridge you need anything here's my work number hang out and I'll talk to you when I get off work where are you no I don't know about you but the people I was using with that didn't happen you know they weren't leaving me in their house alone at all yeah yeah that was at the pawn shop but you know this program is just awesome and it's just giving me so much and it continues to give me so much I've been at a stage in my program lately where things have gotten they've leveled off you know it's like a little bit of time and you know my higher powers working things are changing but they're like changing at a steady pace now you know it's I'm not at the time being I don't put my foot in my mouth because it always does I'm NOT on that roller coaster at this time next week will be a different story but you know my recovery is growing at a pretty steady rate now and I'm liking it I really don't miss the rapid change and slow down and up and down jump around and get nuts and but that's cool too but it'll everything changes it'll change tomorrow been around long enough figure that one out but I think I'm done spouting and I usually share like 45 minutes in a meet and people yell at me so I'm gonna shut up now It doesn't say on here what to do on the periods of extended silence. We've still got like 10 minutes left and if anybody came in late the topic is steps 10, 11, and 12. Okay, we'll close down the circle house. I'm disappointed in any oddity. God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference to be coming back thank you thank you Hey, how are you? Hey, Tommy. Tommy. I'm brought up. How are you, sir? Good. I missed you, dude. Hey, I'm glad to be here. It's call the time. I don't know he's supposed to be here I'm going to go call him, man. Leave a message on his hand. Oh, Hilton Hill is working, man, Hiltwood.