Jack W. – It’s Always Higher Power’s Money Until It’s My Money – 2021

Hi everybody, I'm Jack Wheeler and I am an alcoholic. I've been sobered by the grace of God and the 36 Spiritual Principles of Alcoholics Anonymous since January 1st, 2004. And for that I am both impressed and grateful. It is, you know, I am a guy that could not drink and this works. And I love the topic of today's meeting. And it's nice to be here. uh i've gotten to know al a little bit and there's some other familiar faces with rick and some others in this group that i recognize and uh it's nice to be here with you the uh you know the the spiritual malady and the spiritual solution it's all we have you know we don't claim to to be the answer for everybody But if you suffer alcoholism like I suffer alcohol, my experience is that this is a very specific program of action aimed at solving our problem with alcohol. what I know is that it's the only thing that's worked for me and the journey into Alcoholics Anonymous was me trying to figure out how to take care of my problems and I tried everything I could think of, everything. And if you're here with us today, chances are you've had the same journey and to no avail. I am powerless over alcohol. I was sitting up at the... I spent the last 30 years on a ranch with my parents and my sisters. It was a family ranch and we all had homes there. Some of them were vacation homes, but I spent The Last 30 Years raising my kids on the ranch and my parents spent the last 30 years and uh and on the holidays my mom loves alcohol it's anonymous now and on she would tell my wife and i to bring whoever needs someplace to come during the holidays and recently i've been doing this a while and recently last couple years we were up at a thanksgiving i don't remember if it was thanksgiving christmas easter what it was but i you know we brought some people up to the ranchand i'm sitting with one a new a guy i'm just starting to sponsor and you know i've got him in uh doing step one two and three at the time and uh and he asked me when we sit down at the table with the family he says to me he says when was it when did you first drink and i said well i first took my first drink when i was around eight years old and my mom was at the stable and she was she was devastated and said no you did not and i says yes i did mom i took my drink when I was eight i said i'd go out snowmobiling with dad and we'd go all you know a couple hours a few hours and and we stopped for lunch and it'd be cold out and dad would uh we eat lunch and dad always had a boda bag full of peach brandy with him on our snowmobile and he'd give me a sip of the peach brandry to warm me up and my mom is sitting there getting angry with my dad and and i said to her i said that's not what makes me an alcoholic I said you know it has nothing to do with when I drank or even how much I drank or how much trouble I get into when I drink and uh and I said what makes me an alcoholic is is when I put alcohol on my body I get the phenomenon of craving that's the first thing that allergic reaction and it's funny because if you talk to people that aren't alcoholic and you tell them about the phenomenon of craving, they have no idea what you're talking about. By definition, we can't explain it. Phenomenal. I don't know why it happens to me. I know that it happens for me. When I don t want a drink, I know it's going to end poorly. I take that first drink thinking I m going to have two and I know the game is on. That s the phenomenon of craving. I get thirsty when I put it in my body. That's the first thing that makes me an alcoholic. That's the one thing that our text says we all have in common, and when I tell you about the phenomenon of craving, everybody shakes their head. My wife, for example, is not an alcoholic, she thinks I finally quit drinking, which is fine, you guys all know how funny that is, because I can't, I'm the guy that can't stop, I can'T stop starting, and the second thing that makes me an alcoholic is uh despite all of the evidence in my life i'll be standing in the smoldering wreckage of my life and uh and i have a mind i have that mental insanity that obsession that comes back into and tells me that it's okay to drink despite all the evidence in my wife and i'll believe it time after time after times those two things are what make me an alcoholic. And I'm explaining this to my mom and she is getting more angry with my father for giving me peach brandy when I was eight years old. And, you know, it's funny, you know, and by the time I was 12, 13 years old, I was in trouble with alcohol in every area of my life, you know, and when we sit and we talk, I was in trouble at home, I was in trouble at school, I was in trouble with the cops, I was in trouble with my girlfriend. I was in trouble with everybody, and a very astute school counselor took me to my first AA meeting when I was 13 or 14 years old, and so I've been around this thing most of my life. I've be in it since January 1st, 2004, and I'm going to tell a little bit of my story because I think it's pertinent to what we're talking about when we're talking about the spiritual malady i i uh by the time i was uh 16 17 years old i knew every cop in aspen by name i grew up in aspen colorado i'm still very close as al said i'd correct him i correct him because it does my ego good for people to not think that i live in aspern i live about four and a half million dollars south of aspen and carbondale and uh which were all the people in Aspen that can't afford to live in Aspen live but I've been in As pen all my life it's home it's where I grew up it's right here in the valley it's where I work every day the but I knew every cop in As Pen by name they knew me and they would come it was the late 70s when that school counselor took me to that AA meeting and I walked into that meeting and I saw all the differences as we do and there were there was six or eight people around a card table in the community center and i walked in with the school counselor and i had everybody had gray hair gray hair and uh and i saw all the differences there was one thing that i came out of there with that became very important to me later on in life and that there was that there's something called alcoholics anonymous and uh when you when you roll around spirituality like i do it's a really important piece of information. Um, by the time I was 18, I had, uh, OD in Aspen, uh just completely hammered drank everything I could drink and snorted everything I could snort and ended up in the, uh in the park in downtown Aspen OD'd and ended went into the hospital came out of the hospital and I was terrified it was I thought I was going to die. They thought I was going to die, I didn't die. And, but I was scared. And, and I knew something was wrong. You know, I knew something was wrong. And there was a girl that hung up hung out with us, was in our group or click or the people we partied with the people we hung out with the people that I ran with at the time that had disappeared a couple months before that for 28 days. where do you go for 28 days and uh when she came back she could do things i couldn't do she could uh she'd come she'd hang out with us and you know about dinner time she'd say i gotta go i've got to work tomorrow and she would go home i could never do that and she she was she was happy she was smiling she was she seemed a little bit uh free uh it was an incredible change and I had noticed it and I called her that morning after I got out of the hospital I said hey count what'd you do and she explained to me as she had gone to treatment and she had come out of treatment and became a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and that she was going meetings there in aspen and explained to me a little bit about what an alcoholic was and uh and it scared me worse because it i fit that description you know and uh by this time i had burned every bridge you know i i used to stand at the podium and say that i uh my parents kicked me out of the house but through some the step work i have found a different perception on that and my perception today through the process that was revealed to me in the steps is that my parents did not kick me out of the house. They were loving parents and they said I could live there if I followed a few simple rules. And they were simple rules, they were you know let us know where you're going to be contribute around the house and do what you say you're gonna do. For a guy like me those things are impossible. I wanted to do them, I couldn't get them done, I could not do it and I finally just left and uh pulled the hand pulled the pin threw the hand grenade in flipped my relationship with my parents my sisters everybody else and made it their fault i had to leave and uh and i moved in in with my drug dealer my that didn't last long and uh then i i rented a place and i couldn't pay rent because it's hard for us to be responsible when we've got the spiritual malady of alcoholism and uh and then i used every couch and used it used up every friendship i had and uh and i ended up homeless i was living in a park in aspen and i would go until i couldn't go anymore and then I'd crawl up inside the little jungle gym in Heron Park in Aspen the park's still there much nicer jungle gym these days uh and I'd crawled up inside this little jungle gym in the park and i'd pass out and i come to and i do it all again and uh when i when i call my mom you know i i said i think i have a problem and i would like to meet with you and we met at my place we were sitting on the park bench and i show up in clothes that are three sizes too small that are not mine coming off a three-week bender coming out of the hospital and uh just wrung out as we get just completely wrung out in despair. And I said to my mom, and this is a really important part. I said, to my mama said, I think, I'm an alcoholic. I think I've got a drinking problem. I'm 18 years old. I live living in the park. I am sitting on the park bench with my mother. And what she said to me is really important. She said, she said, no, you're not, you can't be. And that stigma about alcoholism has got to go away. It's still there. My mom thought it made her a bad mother. If I had, if I had alcoholism, she thought it made me a bad son. If, if i had alcohol ism and I'm here to tell you that, you know, to talk about the spiritual malady, if I don't say anything else, this is the most important thing because it was a huge thing for me to learn. This thing's not about being good and bad. It's about being sick and well. And that stigma needs to go away from Alcoholics Anonymous. This is an illness that affects every aspect of our life and all the people around us, and if I could change it, I would change it. I couldn't. That's the illness. That's spiritual malady. I suffer the phenomenon of craving if I put it in my body, but I have mental obsession that will drive me back to drink every single time despite the evidence, despite the logic, despite everything, that insanity will drive me to drink again every single time. So whether I'm drinking or not drinking, I have a problem. And that's the part, it took me a long time to understand that. I hear people say all the times in the rooms that it's not, that have been here a while, have been through the work or working with other guys and carrying the message, and they'll say it's not about drinking anymore. I have news for you. When you hear my story, you'll understand it's always about drinking. It is always about drinking because as much as it is not about drinking today, it is always about drinking because as good as my life gets, when I start pulling that thread, when I miss my home group, don't show up or service commitment. Don't answer my phone when a sponsor calls, don't return a phone call that when I start pulling that thread, I'm going one direction or the other. I'm closer to a drink or further from a drink. That's the nature of alcoholism. And it took me a long time to understand that what Alcoholics Anonymous does is treats the sober condition. We don't treat the drunk condition. Alcohol did that. You know, what would the 12 steps do is it gives me a shot at being sober, happy and usefully whole. And that has been my experience here. I went through the steps with a man that had gone through the footsteps and there was a transformation and that transformation is enough to sustain us. So I talked to my mother and she made it possible for me to go to treatment. I went to treatment when I was 18 years old in 1982 and I came out of that treatment center and I started going Alcoholics Anonymous the day I came up with the idea and I rolled into Aspen on a Tuesday night and got out of treatment and I walked into the meeting and there was probably 20 people around the car table now. And they would read something out of the big book and it would go around the room and everybody would share on their experience with what they read out of The Big Book. And it would get to me and I would throw down about a big bag of gag or some quaaludes or whatever just to piss off all the old timers. I'm sitting in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous dying of alcoholism, still trying to be the center of attention. And you know what you said to me? keep coming back and there was an old timer in that in that group and if you're new here you'll find out that the old timers and Alcoholics Anonymous can't hear and I would ask I would go through the meeting and this one old timer's name was Bruce Bruce would come up to me after the meeting on Tuesday night he'd say hey Jack we're going to prison on Friday night take a meeting do you want to come and I'd say no Bruce I'm very busy on friday night and if you if you had the spiritual malady like i had the spiritual malaty and no solution no solution i'm sitting in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous telling this guy i'm busy on frurday night because i'll go home on frnesday night and i'll be sitting in my studio apartment below the restaurant in the holiday inn and i would sit in my chair on frursday night and I wouldn't go out and I'm just not drinking. And with no solution, not drinking is an activity. And I thought that was Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought I was going to feel that way forever and I'd be sitting around on Friday nights not drinking and without a solution not drinking is tough. It's hard work. It takes a lot of energy. And Bruce would come then the next Tuesday night, we'd sit and we'd go through the meeting. And after the meeting, he'd come up to me and say, Jack, we're going to prison on Friday night to take a meeting. Do you want to come? And I would say, no, Bruce, I'm busy on Friday night. I do not want to go to the prison. And it went on for like six weeks. It's like he couldn't hear me. And then after six weeks, I finally said to him, okay, Bruce, i'll go to prison this Friday night just to shut him up. And he picks me up in a minivan full of smiling people and alcoholics anonymous on friday afternoon and it's a 90 mile drive to the prison and i don't want to get in the minivan i don' t want to go i do i get in i'm miserable i'm terrified we drive the 90 miles we roll up on the prison and it' s a real prison and gun towers chain link fences cell blocks and we clear the first gate and we get down past the gun towers and we're walking down along the cell block to the front door of the prison. And from the third floor window, you hear, Hey Wheeler. And I almost fainted. It was a good friend of mine that had gotten popped. And the night he got popped, I was with him and I passed out and he got in trouble. And obviously it wasn't his first time because you don't end up in prison usually from your first offense. It Was The Way we ran and uh and bruce turns around and looks at me and he says you're in the right place and and that has been my experience in alcoholics anonymous that if i say yes and i when i'm available and i go do these things and i end up in the correct place despite my best thinking despite my worst thinking i did not want to go i was at an area assembly all weekend about five and a half hours from here and i'm the area 10 pi chair and uh on on friday morning when i got in my truck to drive to the area assembly do you think i wanted to go i did not want to go and but i know sooner not go than then i know it's my spiritual responsibility to show up and i got in my truck and i drove and i had a great weekend out there and uh and and that's what happens is If I show up and I do this thing, I am taken care of 100 percent. The the reality is, is that that that man, Bruce, took me through the work. And about six or eight years sober, I was cruising down the street to go to my home group. And cruising down a street means it was a 35 mile drive to my own group from the ranch. and uh and i'm driving down the river the frank pan river and uh there's a hatch coming off the river and i think to myself i should just go fishing i have my gear with me and uh and i stopped and i went fishing i didn't go to my home group that night you know what happened to me when i didn'T GO TO MY HOME GROUP THAT NIGHT nothing i went FISHING and then about a week later i was going to the thursday night meeting and there was that hatch was still coming off the river and i thought i'll just go fishing tonight fish that hatch and uh and i stopped and i fished and you know what happened to me when i didn't go to the thursday night meeting nothing just ask me i went fishing and i slowly unplugged from alcoholics anonymous and i say slowly over the next six months i stopped going to all meetings i stopped answering my phone i stopped calling my sponsor and if you would ask me how i was doing i tell you i'm doing great doing fine you know all the all those things that that make it feel like you're treating alcohol wasn't you know the car the job the career the wife the kids all the things that i that i always wanted to come true i've gotten married i had kids i got a business going and i got money in my pocket and all of those things uh feel like i'm treating something uh and i'm always looking at external stuff and as the external stuff piled up uh the the disease the illness the malady came back and the insidious nature of alcoholism is i can't see it when it's on me when the veil of alcohol is and drops around over my eyes i can see it i can see it on the guys i sponsor i can See It On You Guys I Can't See It on Me And that's why it's so important that I do regular things regularly. You know, I go to my home group regularly. I call my sponsor regularly. I answer my phone regularly. I have conferences I go too regularly, you know, because then it's not up to me. If I'm going to a meeting when I think I need a meeting, I'm in deep trouble. Because I won't show up. I'll have some other reason. It'll be a good reason. It says in the step three that, you now, even though our motives were good, we still hit the wall i'm still living on that basis of self even though my motives are good and uh and so i don't live on motives to let today i live on principles and the principles of this thing have changed me in a way that i couldn't change myself and uh and i completely unplugged from alcohol it's anonymous and i'd like to tell you that that it was that that was the end i i i struggled through and white knuckled it until i was 13 years sober and then i got drunk and uh i wish i could tell you that that i knowing the big book knowing the steps having done the steps that i shook it off and came running back to alcoholics anonymous and that's not my story i'm powerless over this thing and i was out for 10 years And it was a long, miserable 10 years. I'm the guy that I'm beating on the bar in Kona, Hawaii, asking for another crown royal. And I could recite the big book to you. If you would have sat down at the bar next to me and said, hey, what does the big book say about step one? I could have run you through step one. I could tell you what page it was on, what pages to read. If you wouldn't have asked me about step two, I could've told you what pages to read, I couldn't have told you. the experience that you're looking for is in here unfortunately alcoholics anonymous this solution here is not based on information it's not based on intelligence it's no based on technical anything it's a spiritual solution and it requires my participation because the only way I can have an experience in it is to participate in it and I'm the guy with all the information that couldn't get sober again I have guys come into my home group and guys that i sponsor though guys i sponsor will come to me and say she's pregnant that's great and and that's wonderful and uh i'm gonna re-engage i'm gonna dig in i'm going to redouble my efforts that's good and they'll tell me they're going to do it because they're gonna stay sober forever and they're they want to be a better dad you know they're or they want to be a better husband or they want to do this or they wanna be that I worked the steps because I had no other option I came in absolutely desperate I was gonna it was either you it was either die you know the two options go on blotting out my miserable existence or accept spiritual help and it got bad enough that I would I would do anything thing. And I think that's the only way that we get this thing. I think that's required. I hear guys all the time, I'm going to be careful what I say here because I love Al-Anon, but I have guys come to me and tell me that they're going to go to Al- Anon to fix their relationships. And I tell them, I don't know where you heard that, but that's not why people go to Alan on. That's like going to the hardware store for milk. The people that get something out of Al-Anon are the ones that are doing it to save their own life because they have no other option. It's the same thing in Alcoholics Anonymous. The only way we do it, I can't convince somebody to do this thing. Alcohol convinced me to do it. Alcohol is the one thing that finally put me in that point of state of reason, that pointof surrender. And I'm not the one that'll tell you I surrendered again and again and again i was surrendered i had nothing to do with it i was surrendered and in that position step one becomes really apparent the fact that i i have i suffer the phenomenon of craving that i have the mental obsession that makes me do the most insane thing i've ever done stone cold sober the fact then i will go out there and i am so self-centered that i will play god in all areas of my life and yours that's the insanity that's the insanity of step one i uh i'm going to talk a little bit about the steps i got sober again 10 years later there was a lot of different things that happened my father needed a kidney transplant and uh and my mom called me up and said hey jack will you please go get tested i'm the only son of five kids and my mom said I'm probably the best chance he's got and she asked me to go get tested to see if my dad was uh see if I was a match to give my dad a kidney and I said of course I won't mom and I hung up the phone and I started thinking and I I'm like you know that probably involves a blood test and that's evidence and I'll need to get clean and sober for that blood test. And and I would I had in my mind that I had to go seven days not drinking in order to have a clean test. I don't even know if that's true today, but that's the story I told myself then. And I would wake up in the morning and I'd say, okay, today's the day I'm going to go seven days so I can go get tested to see if I'm matched to save my dad's life, who's my neighbor. And to this day, I've never been tested I could never go seven days I never made it two days and and this it would be on me again and I would change my mind stone cold sober then to drink again and then I'd start tomorrow my mom would call me up and I'd lie to her and I've never been tested my dad's still alive he's got one of my brother-in-law's kidneys and when I went to make amends to him it wasn't the first time I'd been through the the work uh it was i was probably three years in and gone through the steps with my sponsor a number of times and i was on a current eight step list and i Was sitting in the my home group and the eighth step came up as the topic and uh and for some reason it was the first time i heard that we you know we made made made a list and became willing to make amends to them all all of them and I realized that I had hardened my parents on their son and they needed me to go get tested and I blew them off basically is what I did I continued to lie to him and I realized I'm just crying in my home group and I look over Gigi sitting next to me my buddy Tim's wife and I I said she said what's wrong and I said I said to her I said i i had this happen And I've never made amends to my parents, but she said, well, you need to. I said, yeah, I'm aware. And I got in my truck the next day and I drove up to the ranch. And my dad was driving around the ranch in his Polaris Ranger. And my Dad's a piece of work. I'm madly in love with him. But he is, he's a cowboy contractor and he's cruising around on his, in his Ranger. And I pull up and I get out of my truck and I'm already crying when I get out of my truck and he stops the ranger and he's looking at me he's like what's wrong and i said i guess i have an amends to make with you and he said no no we've already done all that and i said no dad this is a piece of spiritual business that i need to have a conversation with you about he said okay and i say when you were dying in in the hospital needed me to go get tested i couldn't get tested I said I have no idea how to make that right I said but I'm willing to do anything and I'm crying. And all of a sudden he's laughing. And, uh, and I said, I said I don't know what to do. And he said, well, I want what I want you to do is keep doing what you're doing because I may need another one. And and that's funny. Well, my direct immense to my dad is when somebody like Al calls, I say yes. When the area chair calls me and says we want you just be on the serve on the standing committee i say yes you know if i'm available if i have the time in my schedule i say yes and uh and that's a direct amends to my father and uh we're healed you know i went to my mother my mother's a lot smarter than my dad and i and i said to mom i said i said you know i i harmed you i when you when you needed me to go in and get tested i lied to you and i give you false hope and i and i have no idea to make that right i'll do anything you ask me and i'm crying and she's sitting we're sitting at the ranch my mom is you know a saint and uh and she said to me she said jack what i want you to do is i want to continue working with the young men that you're working with hard stop because she knows that the magic of this thing happens when i'm working when i'M carrying the message to others and and and she's she is it is the truth that's the reality of this thing you know when i when i got a guy's hand in my hand and we're going through the steps what i know is that i'm trying to get into the power just like the guys that sponsor me tried to get me to the power because i can't save anybody I can't get anybody sober I can keep them sober I need to get them to the power and the experience we have in the 12 steps gets us to the tower but I know this today when his hand is in my hand the power flows both ways and that's the magic of this thing so So when I sobered up again, I was 10 years in and my life was, if you would have seen my life, you would've wanted my problems. I was flying around on private planes. I had more money than I could spend. I had offices in Kona, Jackson Hole, and Aspen. It was just all good on the outside. And I could not drink. I could no longer drink. I could do it. and uh and and i was dying and i've been that guy homeless in aspen and more money than i can spend flying around on private planes dying of alcoholism and uh then i hit that spot you know it was it was not the worst drunk i'd ever had i was sitting in my garage i was all alone on the ranch sitting in My Garage and it was christmas time and my my son comes walking up the driveway with his grandfather and i'm looking at him out of the garage window i'm sitting in there i'm doing little shooters of kalua and uh eating percocet and reading the big book going stark raving mad and watching my son come up the christmas tree with his grandfather uh pulling the christmass tree and i was too busy to go get a christmas treat with and I don't know why but that was my moment the uh I went in and I I told my wife what was going on she had come back to Al-Anon a year before she said I don'T want to hear it go talk to your sponsor and uh and I did I went down and I told My Sponsor what my plan was and then I was going to go do this and this and my my sponsor changed my plan if you're new here and you have a plan share it with your sponsor um i still share my plans with my sponsor it's good practice to be in the reality is is that uh that was my time i went into treatment i came out of treatment i was on fire with alcoholics anonymous and i've never stopped i have sponsored guys and had service commitments and uh a home group and sponsor a boatload of guys and uh and i have not stopped the uh the first step for me today is uh that i continue to play god that i am powerless over alcohol and the unmanageability in my life is direct a direct result of my selfishness and my self-centeredness and my ability to play God in my my life in the lives of the people around me and I'll give you an example of what that looks like. That was probably three years ago, my wife and I sold the house on the ranch. And a year ago we sold my parents' place on the ranch. But, but we, we tried for a while to sell, sell our house on The Ranch and we couldn't get it sold. And everybody in AA was out on a praying for us to sell the house. And, and we finally sold the House when we get the house closed. And about a week after the closing, we get a call from an attorney and the attorney says hey we found bats in the attic of the house and we want you to pay to mitigate the batch you had to know the bats were there and it's going to cost about 10 grand and uh and i'm thinking you know i did everything right they did their due diligence it's closed the money's in my bank account it's no big deal i call my sponsor and i said hey bob here's what's going on i said i said there's bats in the house they want me to pay the bets he goes wait a minute you wouldn't even have called me if you felt right about this and i said yeah you're right i wouldn't have he's he said he said you know you need to work with him and see if you can split it with them see whatever but it's god's money whatever you have to do to get get through this it's all going to come back to you somehow and i hung up the phone my sponsor and i told my wife i said bob says it's god's money we should work with them and try and get it straightened out My wife said, God's money. But we followed the direction. And about two weeks later, I'm sitting there and Bob's off in Australia and I get a phone call from the attorney. The attorney says, hey, Jack, there's bigger problems and it's going to cost you 25 grand. It's not God's Money anymore. Feels like my money. and uh and i can't call bob so i call my buddy steve in nashville and i say steve here's what's going on i said i said you know they called the first time was 10 grand i agreed to help them out and see what i could do and i told him i'd work with him and now it's 25 grand i said it doesn't feel like god money i said bob said it was god's money doesn't feel like God's money it feels like my money and then uh and steve said to me he said yeah it's always God's Money unless it's Bob's money and the reality is it's always God's money unless it's my money and that's why I need to be active in this work. That's why I need you to be connected to you people and my sponsor and a power greater than myself because it's always God money unless it's my money. And the cool thing about sponsorship is they're not connected to my feelings, my ego. They care more about the principles being in my life than they do about me feeling good. And, and I talked to Steve for a while and he's right. You know, I, he said, he said you need to just work through it. It is what it is. And I'm the one, I got the money in my bank account. And if I had bought the house and the bats were there, I would want the bats taken care of. So we worked with them and, and we worked out a deal and I had to write him a check for 25 grand, but here's the kicker. I'm, I'm at a conference down in Texas and I am the Saturday night speaker and it's saturday afternoon and i'm supposed to wire the funds to the attorney that afternoon and uh and i'll kick around the hotel lobby at the conference and i don't want to spend send the money so it's the 11th hour man and i know i'm not going to do that but i'm going to i don' t want to send the money and uh and i sent the money because that's it's the right thing to do and i live by principles today instead of motives and my good thinking and that's something i learned here and that'S how the first step looks in my life i my sponsor is adamant about me keeping the first three steps present in my life on a daily basis because i'm the guy that will sit with my guys on step two and tell them do you have you come to believe do you believe that god's the answer do you even believe god's gonna take care your insanity and I'll tell them yeah and I got nothing in my own life on it I'm still trying to fix it so I try to keep that presence in my life understanding that my belief system is so powerful that it will convince me standing in the burning wreckage of my life that it's a good idea to take a drink that's how powerful our belief system was just me that and I can tell you that having the experience of working the steps with a man that has worked the steps and then carrying, taking other guys through the steps has given me a belief system that God's got the whole thing. That's that powerful. God's got it all. And that's how we keep step two present in our life today. And step three is the whole solution to alcoholism. The decision we make in step three is the whole deal you know it says being all powerful he will provide everything i need if i do two things stay close to him and perform his work well and i was just at a assembly all weekend i got to do the friday night workshop there and then i and then we we did the business of alcoholics anonymous uh all weekend and and heard some good speakers and we came out of there pumped up just pumped up you know it's the way it always goes saw some people i'm really close with and uh and but but it's it's by wednesday it starts to it starts that you know my life is a little more important than it was on sunday afternoon and and i need this every day i need the spiritual solution every day I was uh my my granddaughter when she was four years old her name's Abigail she's the love of my life and and when she Was Four Years Old I said to her I said hey Abigail what's your favorite color and Abigail said orange is my favorite color grandpa and I said that's cool what's your second favorite color Abigail she said grandpa my second favorite colour is orange why wouldn't it be right orange is available why wouldn'T it be your first and second color and and what I realized in that is is what's my favorite solution my favorite solution is God what's my second favorite solution it's God and when I can come at the third step with that level of clarity that focus I'm all in I'm all in it's orange sunday afternoon leaving the leaving the area assembly god is my favorite color god ismy second favorite color and by wednesday you know there's stuff going on with the business and and i've got other things i gotta do and i'm gonna get sponsored he's calling me and and and and it dims a little and and I gotta stay connected to this thing so that orange stays my favorite color so that my favorite solution is god and what i know is abigail's seven now she's going to be eight soon and she's excited about that uh but she's seven and i asked her recently i said abigail what's your favorite color she said grandpa my favorite colour is orange i said Abigail what's her second favourite colour she said Grandpa my second favourite color is chocolate it's the worldly clamors already getting in and that's the story with step three that's why the the agreement i make in step three is to do four through twelve like my life depends on because i'm the guy by wednesday it's chocolate it you know or some other thing some some other treatment for the external world that makes me look think i look a little better and all of a sudden i'm not taking care of the internal condition like i'm supposed to the only place to treat this thing is internal you know the god the deep deep reality deep down inside that's where we do we need to be touch to have any chance at sustained recovery and step three is the whole solution step four is is the truth of my life i'm not that guy that has done one fourth step and rock on you know i am i've done multiple four steps i continue to do personal inventory as needed you know and whether that's once a year once every two years it is regular and uh and and it's not a 10th step you know the fourth step is when i'm wrapped around the axle one more time and and you know al's names in step one because he called me one more times to come do this on a day when i had other things to do and i'm joking but but it's the fourth step is is pertinent when i'm pointing out there again when i think all of you need to change for me to be okay that's my first column if you would just do this i'd be okay and since you're not doing it you're going on the list and and you know in the fifth step is the magic of alcoholics anonymous it's a you know if you if you read the 12 and 12 it's where they talk about learning understanding what the true definition of humility is and it's because i've i sit down and bear my soul to another man one more time and to god and uh in that process i find out it's okay to be human i don't want to behuman i want to do better than that and the reality is we're all just human and we're running around with spiritual malady that gives us a little bit more edge on everything that has anything to do with self the journey here is going from self-consciousness to god consciousness and the only way to do it is through these steps when i sit with another man and he says oh yeah i did that well i didn't do that but i know someone who did that so we're gonna get you hooked up with them you know i i've listened to a lot of fifth steps and it's pretty rare that anything surprises me um in fact i can't think of much that has surprised surprised me when i've listened to this stuff and my sponsor sometimes you got to wake him up you know it's just the process is for me to open up and be honest and and i think it's where we learn the secret handshake and alcoholics anonymous it's where i come all the way in and sit all the down and all of a sudden i'm okay to stay because i'm not different than you i'm the same and in step six we you know we it's the journey of finally understanding that there's some things that are objectionable to me that I don't want to be that guy but the biggest gift in step six is me understanding that while they're objectionable I have not been able to do a damn thing about them. I have tried and I have tried and they're still on me. Self-centeredness is still on me. Arrogance is still on me, that smug indifference I have, the need to look better than I really am, which is a lie anyway. Those things that I just can't quite get taken care of, that self-centeredess that drives through every aspect of my being. And all of a sudden, I'm presented that, are you willing, Jack, to let God? Yeah, it's objectionable to you. Something's objectional to you, you've been raised to fix it. And me working on my character defects is like taking a knife to a gunfight. It's not going to go well. and that's the story of alcoholism is I get into step six and I think I got this information in step five and now I can do something with it and what the information I got in step five is that I can't do anything about it when I lay those things against first five proposals I am as powerless over those as other things and the reality is that in that place I become willing to give it to God and and the seventh step is is the magic of this thing it is you know the seven steps hard to talk about in Alcoholics Anonymous you know why because it's not my work the work for me in the seventh stuff is to pray to ask that's to work in the seven step my sponsor said to me I don't know how many times how's your seventh step going jack good don it's great it's going really well finally i said to him don i have no idea what you're talking about when you ask me how my seventh step is going on i may i said the prayer i'm not sure exactly what else i'm working on the other things and it's going poorly but so i'm not really sure what exactly i'm supposed to be doing with the seven step he said jack there's two pieces of business in the seventh step the first one is for you to pray and ask God to remove it, ask God, say the seventh step prayer and, uh, and, and then let God be God. He said, act as if God removed it. God does what God does. And Jack does what Jack does. My job is to act like God removed him. And I thought he was telling me to act like I didn't have character defects. That's not what he was telling me. He was telling me to understand and come from the place where God's the power. Act as if he removed it. Act is if he is the power and the minute you come from, he removed my single greatest character defect just like that. I haven't had a drink in a long time. More importantly, haven't wanted to drink in really long time, you know, just like dad was gone and I know the power i want to come out from that that place where they that humble place where god's the power of jack it's not going to go well god's power i'm not my character defects bore me to tears today i'm tired of talking about them i don't you know your character defects we can have a conversation about that you know if we're i'm taking you through the work i'd much rather talk about by you than me. I'm bored. I know I can't do anything about it. And the real work in step seven is eight through 12. The atmosphere for God to work in my life, the only atmosphere where he takes and removes everything he needs removed for me to be useful is if I'm actively participating in eight through twelve. That's the atmosphere for step seven. and it takes so long for me for guys like me and me to realize that i'm not supposed to be working on my character defects i'm supposed to be carrying the message of alcoholics anonymous and in that place they just fall away they evaporate i'm Not The Guy That'll Tell You I've Had The Same Character Defects From The Day I Walked Into Alcoholics Anonymous I Will Tell You That Self-Centeredness Is Still The Root Of All My Troubles but some of them are gone I'm the guy that came in you couldn't get my eyeball off of the next bottle of booze couldn't get my eye ball off of a better job or more money and those things are gone and I've gone through a transformation where I've become usefully whole in 8 and 9 I'm going to wrap this up quickly in eight and nine it's it's where we we come in here and we talk that you know i'm um an egomaniac with inferiority complex is what's coming to mind right now and i have an inferiority complex because i've done nothing esteemable in a very long time when i walked through the doors of alcoholics anonymous and i can tell you this actually make your amends actually with the direction of a sponsor and prayerfully consider each one make your amends self-esteem arrives because it's the first time we go do esteemable acts and if you want still self-esteem to esteem able things be a principled man and i didn't know that i lied to my sponsor about step nine how's it going it's going well went really well. Which ones did you do? I haven't done one this week, but I did one a couple weeks ago and it was very good, Don. He's like, let's go. We need to get these done. And he would help me through it. And in 10, I talked a little bit about this when I spoke of step four. Witnessing my own life from that place of being connected to the power, being of useful service, to witness my own life from that place is such a gift and to follow those directions where i ask god to remove those things that i see cropping up to talk to another man about it to make amends quickly if i need to direct my attention to the people i can help to witness my own wife i'm column one in step 10 jack jack is column one that's a far cry i'm in the world of the spirit that's not a fourth step i write a fourth step when my step 10 becomes you when you guys are in column one when it's all about trying to make you different again it's time for me to write some personal inventory but step 10 is about witnessing my own life being able to stand in my own shoes right here right now and that practice that process that it outlines so beautifully in our textbook if you do those simple things you, you get to stand in your own shoes. I never could stand in my own shoes and step 11 is the same way. You know, I can tell you my experiences that I didn't believe I could ever meditate. I didn'T believe that I could pause. I, I didn' t believe I Could rely on an inspired thought and intuitive thought, a guided life. And I can Tell you all of those things happened because I followed the directions in the book. And what I found with 10 and 11 for a guy like me, a self-centered guy like me 10 and 11 when i follow those directions they deliver me right where i'm supposed to be but they're the bare minimum for a guy like me those things that we do that it outlines those disciplines in 10 and 11 i can tell you today my world's much more than just the directions but the directions are the bare maximum i know that i have to follow those things because they hold me in good stead and open my eyes and my heart to the other things that have become important in my life. I watch guys in Alcoholics Anonymous all the time say, I'm doing prayer meditation, I'm going to church, I're doing yoga, I've done mountain biking, and they're doing all these things instead of 10 and 11. And what I can tell you is that if you do stuff instead of10 and 11, my experience was, I don't get the benefit of Alcoholics synonymous to get the benefit of alcohol it's anonymous the results promised in the big book the bare minimum for that is to follow the directions in 10 and 11 and i can do all of those other things as well as that not instead of and then when i come from that place i believe step 12 is a result because the minute you have that spiritual awakening the minute that your heart has changed in those ways and you have those disciplines in your life the spiritual solution becomes the only way of life the only Way of Life those three things having had a spiritual awakening you know carrying the message to others practicing these principles and all my affairs they happen as a result of all the other ones and you can't shut guys like me up You know, you can't all because it's I know there's people dying of alcoholism within my grasp tonight. And I just want to share one thing and then I'll close my biggest lie in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm going to share One Thing and then i'm going close the my my my niece OD Monday night last week. She's alive, but she's in rough shape. And it's really hard for a guy like me to know what the solution is and not be able to give her that surrender in the beginning. But what I know is that when it happened, they called me, her mother and her called me. and that is a gift of from alcoholics anonymous that when something goes on in my family it doesn't matter if it's you know i'm using this as because it's the thing that's on us right now we're trying to get her help and uh when when something comes up in my family's life the people that are close to me what i know is my phone rings what i know is they can rely on me and that was never the case before i was connected to the power and to you people and for that i thank you and i thank you very much for being there in alcoholics anonymous because one thing i'm clear is i can't help with my family you know i can get them to help And I am working on that, but I can't help my family. I send my family to you and you send your family to me and I'll take care of them. But I'm going to send my niece to you. Thank you very much.