I May Not Be Much but I’m All I Think About – Mike

So we're on the pages 63 to the end of the chapter, and we're looking at fear. And we spent, last week I gave you a fear inventory handout, and we looked at fear. We looked at the four paragraphs in the big book on fear. And what we're going to do tonight is what I call the second step proposition exercise. I got this from listening to Dave Fredrickson. His name's on this. He had a PDF. He did a fellowship of the spirit where he went through the steps. And when I listened to this, I don't know, it was probably 10 years ago, it changed my life. This is a very powerful tool that I use. I used it today. I use it all the time so that I can be free of fear. And I can be closer to God, and I can be the person God created. And remember, it says on step 10, we watch for resentment, selfishness, society, and fear. We watch with God because we're in the 10th step. We're in the fellowship. We're in the world of the spirit with God. And we watch for fear all the time. And when it starts to crop up, we ask God to remove it. And that's something that's part of how we stay in the now with God. That's how we live. And today we're going to look at this exercise to help us look at fear. I didn't realize it, but fear, there are fears, of course, that people would find out what I did when I did wrongs. And there are fears that are related to how I want to be treated, how I want to be perceived, how I'm dependent on people or outside things to make me feel good. And then there. These other fears in which areas in which I'm managing my life. And it says in the third step that a life run on self-will can never be successful. Does anybody agree with that? In fact, that's the first requirement to start the work is that I'd be convinced of that. And it says the second requirement is anybody remember what it is? I'll give you a hint. We had to stop playing God. And why? It doesn't work. Now, when I play God, it's very subtle. But when I play God, I'm managing my life and I have fear. So to me, fear is a barometer of when Michael's back into me and I'm managing that area of my life. And so we're going to look at this exercise. And I'm going to try to leave some time so we can share one. And we're probably going to be on this for a couple of weeks. I had my wife. Meeting's getting bigger. I had her make 40 copies. So. And if you could bring your copy next week, because we're going to go through this. And it says the second step proposition exercise is a specific spiritual exercise. The 12 steps are really spiritual exercises. They're there to give us a spiritual solution, which is a relationship with my creator. So that God can do for me what I could not do for myself. And it says interested in attaining a new level in the fourth dimension of existence. And the fourth dimension of existence is the is the world of the spirit where you're in the now with God. You have access to God's power and you can use that power to live a spiritual life and you can be free of fear and anger and you don't have to harm people anymore. And you don't have to have shame and guilt anymore from your actions. The whole purpose of this exercise to have a new experience to discover that which has been blocking. This off from God. Remember the fourth step is after you say the third step prayer. When is the book tell you to do the fourth step? Does anybody remember next or at once? Any time between next and at once is when you're supposed to do the fourth step. Why? Well, when you've made a decision to turn your life and will ever to the care of God. Nothing's happened. So you can decide that all day long. But unless you take the action. Actions to get the access guides power. It's not going to happen. And you don't you don't get power in the third step. That's like the purpose of the purpose of it is to get the direction from God to have access to God's direction and not my direction. My direction got me here. A wristband got me a place at the table. But God's direction will get me all the promises that are read at every meeting. And it says blocking us off from God and the four step. It says we're looking to find those things that to be face and be rid of those things that are blocking me from God. And it says liquor was just the symptom. We have to get down the causes and conditions. So it says in this exercise, we'll identify the areas of our lives where ego is still trying to get away with control through self-will justification delusion. Does anybody think that their ego is still trying to get away with control? Does anybody think that their ego is still trying to get their way all the time? And that's why in the 10th step in the now how we live each day, it doesn't say, well, you might be the one that has fear. It doesn't say that. It says watch for it. You're going to watch for it because we're going to get fear, resentment, and we're going to get selfish and we're going to get dishonest. And when these crop up, when they start to crop, not when they bloom. When they start to crop up. We want to ask God at once to remove them. We don't want them to become active in our lives. Why? Because if I'm in resentment, fear, dishonest, or selfish, I can't have access to God's power. And if I don't have access to God's power, then I'm on my power. And I know where that leads. I don't feel good. I'm disturbed. I'm bothered. And if I do that long enough, I'll drink. Now, I've been a long time from a drink, but it could be there. All of these, there's a drink behind all of these. These feelings. That was an important call. Trump's tweeting us. And so this exercise should provide each of us with tools and directions for how to get back onto the spiritual beam. We want to be on the beam with God, the path with God all the time. And when I'm off the path, I don't feel good. Now, how do I know when I'm not on the spiritual beam? Okay. I'm disturbed. I'm bothered. I'm afraid. I'm agitated, irritated. I'm uneasy. In fact, for a long time, I don't know about you guys, but you'll just be uneasy. You won't even know why. Because for alcoholics, that's a lot of the way we used to live. We're just uneasy. We're not okay. And it's designed to guide us through the areas of our lives that need the immediate focus of God's love. So there are going to be different areas of your life that you're going to need to focus on. And you're going to need to focus God's love each day, depending where you are. And it gives us specific prayers and provides a vision for our lives toward which we need to move. Now, does anybody remember where the word vision is used in the tenth step on page 85? It's a must, by the way. It says, every day we must carry a vision of God's will into all our activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will not be gone. It doesn't say you might want to think about it. It says, I must carry this vision. Why? Because if I carry that vision, then it says I'm using my will properly, which means that I'm following God's will and not self-will. And so it helps us when we're off the beam to get us back a vision of where I need to be in that area of my life that I'm not managing. Does this make sense? So on page 53 of the big book. It's in the chapter to the agnostics. And I've read this at this meeting a million times. It says, when I became an alcoholic. So when did I become an alcoholic? Well, they tell you when you're crushed by a self-imposed crisis. So you could be an alcoholic a long time. But when you're crushed by the self-imposed crisis, you cannot postpone or evade. It says you have to fearlessly face the question, the proposition. Either God is everything or else he is nothing. God either is or he isn't. What is your choice to be? Now, actually, this is the only choice in the big book. And actually, this is the choice that I make all day long. Is God everything or is Michael everything? Is God nothing? Either he is or he isn't. It can't be one or the other. So we want to be God-centered where God is everything. But unfortunately, the way I see it, I don't think God is everything. But actually, the way I was created, I get Michael-centered. So I have to stop and say, I'm Michael-centered and I'm choosing me and I want to get back to you, God. So I can access his power. Now, how do I know when I'm choosing Michael? I don't feel good. I'm bothered. I'm disturbed. I'm angry. I'm judgmental. I'm impatient. I'm intolerant. And so I've learned that this is how I get back onto the beam, how I choose God. And I stopped choosing me. Now, before I came in here, I didn't know that. I thought I was just, my motives were good and I was seeing things the way they should be. But now, after doing the steps, I know that's not the way things should be seen. I'm seeing them wrong and I have to change the way I see it. And I'm going to do this exercise every time I do it. So this has helped me a lot. Does anybody think this will help them? Yeah. For most of us, intellectually, now here he's going to talk about the intellectual world. Intellectual versus the true surrender. Intellectual, we said God is everything. Everybody agrees God's everything, right? Anybody not believe it? So if God's everything, why are we afraid to give God everything? Well, you see, that's the way we're made. That's the riddle of our existence. It says in the 12 and 12, if God can remove the obsession with Drake, why can't we give him the rest of our lives? And he says that's the riddle of our existence. And so each day we're fighting our self-centeredness and we see when it appears and we let go of it and we seek God. It says for the real alcoholic, the decision has to be made deep down within at the gut level of concession. See, it can't be an intellectual decision. It has to be a gut level decision the same way you had to admit you were defeated with your alcoholism. You have to have this gut level thing that God is everything. And then it's the same. It's the same. It's your go-to place all the time. Go to God. It says first things first. First, seek God. It comes from the scripture. First, seek the kingdom of God. And it says for the real alcoholic, the longest distance in the world can be from the head to the heart. In fact, there are a lot of roadblocks. A mental decision of this magnitude won't cut it for us. We have to admit to this concession the deepest level of our existence. For it to offer us humility and the amount we require to achieve success with serenity and to live a happily and usefully whole life. Remember, he talks about a humble man as one who is seeking to live in the image of his creator. He says that in step six. And so it's this humility that I need the power of God all the time. I am powerless over alcohol forever. And I'm powerless to manage my life. And I never have power to manage my life successfully. And I never have power over alcohol. I don't have power over alcohol today. But I have a choice today. And the choice I have today is do I seek God? And if I seek God, then God gives me the choice not to drink. If I ever think that I have the choice, well, I'm in trouble. Because alcohol is the drug of no choice. We talked about that. We don't have any choice over alcohol. If we did, we wouldn't drink it. And so I have to have the humility. And I have to know, gut level, that I can't run the show anymore. God has to be everything in my life. And it says, since most of us blow right past the second step proposition, we hit step three still operating within our minds. You see, it's an intellectual thing we're doing step three. We're going to surrender. It's a great idea. I'm going to say the prayer. This really makes sense. I'm going to make this decision. But if it's only in our mind, and usually it's only with respect to alcohol. A lot of people come in here that just don't want to drink anymore. And they want to have a little less pain. And they want their lives to be a little bit better. And so they agree in their mind to have a new director and to let God tell us what we should do. We agree to be God's agent and to let him empower us in the works we do. And lastly, we agree that God is going to be our new father. He will provide what I need if we keep close to him. And perform his work well. Like a good father, God will love us unconditionally. He will provide what we need. And if we get out of line, he will correct us back on track gently. And that's from page 63, right? So I said that. I read it. But I must not believe it or I wouldn't still try to run my life. See, if I really believed it and truly believed it, why would I ever want to manage my life again? You see the paradox? And it says, so with respect to our drinking, our AA life may seem somewhat manageable for a time. So people come in here, they surrender, things get better. It always gets better when you quit drinking. And then for a while everything gets better. And then you start to live your life sober. Now what's the problem with being sober and an alcoholic? That's when the disease is. After you drink, the consequences of drinking are the result of putting alcohol in your body. But the disease of alcoholism is when you're sober. The self-centeredness, the spiritual malady, the unmanageability, a life full of fear, anger, resentment, harming others, shame and guilt. That's sober. So how are you going to live sober with those kind of feelings and not drink? Because that's why I used to drink. And that's why it's important to do the steps as soon as possible. Because when you're sober, that's when the disease is. And we don't know how to live sober in peace and harmony with the world and not drink. If we did, we would never have drank. And so we have to learn how to do that. So he's talking about, and it's subtle, but you say all this and then you get in your car and you start managing the world. And so the decision has to be followed with a series of actions designed to follow through in that direction. So it says it gets better. It always gets better when you come here. It gets better. We have surrendered. We have given up an immediate defeat, conceded to our innermost selves that we're powerless. And we may have actually stopped trying to run the whole show. But here's what happens. And this is why people don't make it. Because they all come here and they all want to quit. And they love it. They love the meetings. They love this place. Oh, blah, blah, blah. Love the book. Love everybody. Life's great. The promises are coming true. You hear that a lot. You're in here a week. The promises are coming true. And they mean it. And then we're happy for them. But here's what happens. They've only, they conceded to their innermost selves, their powers. And it says, but now he can't, he starts to have trouble. He's sober. He's only conceded steps two and three. And he's got a lot of energy in his mind. He can't figure out why he's having trouble in several other areas of his life. Well, you know, I stopped drinking. You know, why is she treating me like that? I stopped drinking at work. Why don't they, why are they acting the way they are? You see, we think we stop drinking and then everybody's going to change. The whole world. But nothing changes. Because we haven't changed. And he can't figure out. So his AA life seems okay. But the rest of his life starts to unravel. And if it unravels enough, that's what happens. You don't see them anymore. They drink again. That's why the success rate is so low. Because sober without program and God, you are living with a disease. And you can live a long time with untreated alcoholism and not drink. But who would want to? And some people end up taking their lives. I mean, they just can't stand to live sober without alcohol, with the disease of alcoholism. And it says his AA life, it starts to unravel. He can't figure out what he missed. Now, this is a really key point. The answer is real as alcohol is simple. We've only conceded in our mind. We've left our ego unchecked so it can rebuild. And that's what happens. People come in. You see them. They're beaten. They're absolutely defeated. And they come every meeting for like two weeks, and then you don't see them. Something must change. The ego rebuilds quickly. So you have to. You have to. You have to get God in your life enough access to God's power to fight your ego to stay sober in the beginning. And so that's why it's important to start doing the steps right away. Dr. Bob took people. They had a five-day program in Akron. They went in the hospital. They let them sober out for a day because they took people who are at the end of the line. And they let them sober out for a day, and then they worked the steps, and then they left five days later, and then they were sponsoring somebody. They didn't waste a lot of time. It says here's what happens. First, the big book tells us where the problem of the alcoholic resides. The main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind. Does anybody agree with that? Our mind is trying to kill us. We have this thinker. I call it the thinker. Some people call it the ego. It's giving me information that I believe that's ruining my life. So what I've learned now is when my thinker talks to me, I say to my thinker, what's your source of information? Because it's usually crap. I'm sorry I recorded that. We can't edit it, but that's true. There's a lot of crap that comes out of this mind of mine, and I've learned not to pay attention to it. It's just nonsense. But when you're new, you don't know that because you haven't worked the steps. Now, if your mind is the cause of your problem, your thinking is the cause of the problem, how are you going to think your way through your disease? You see, you can't think your way out of this. Your thinking will kill you. And so when you're just thinking that you're going to give your life and will over to God, but you still think you've got a plan, well, you're still managing. And so it doesn't work. So the main problem, the alcoholic center, is in his mind. That's why the big book doesn't have a chapter on what do you think. How do you feel about this? Let's think our way through this. There's no chapter on grief. There's no chapter on group in here. There's no chapter on triggers in here. How are you going to think your way through triggers when your mind's the trigger? And so your mind is the problem. So you can't rely on your mind to fix this problem. What did we read in There Is A Solution? It says if you want to get over this and you're asking yourself how these people got over this, what does it say? It says you're supposed to ask, what do I do? And it says the big book answers this question specifically. That's why we're studying the big book. It tells me specifically what I need to do, not what Michael thinks he should do. And when I follow what the book says I should do and not what Michael thinks I should do, my life is good. And when I start following Michael, I get into trouble. And now I'm lucky because at home I have somebody who keeps me out of Michael all the time. And, you know, I've got a higher power in the book. I've got a higher power at home. I've got God. And so that's working for me. It is. It's the trinity. That's the holy trinity. There you go. Everybody should be as lucky to have as wonderful a wife as I do because she puts up with me. It says we can't differentiate the truth from the false. You see, alcoholics are masters of delusion. Does anybody agree with that? Because we can't see it and we think it's true. Our mind tells us it's true. We have ideas and we act on them, but they're not true. The alcoholics, it says, cannot, after time, differentiate the true from the false. Well, your mind told you you could have a drink, didn't it? Your mind said you can have a drink. Nine in the morning, you swear off. You've written in the Bible. You've thrown the keys away. You've had all the money gone. And an hour later, you're trying to find the keys, trying to find the money, and get a drink or a drug. So you can't rely on your mind. You have to have God directing your mind. And so when you get the thought to drink now, if you have access to God's power, God will say, bad idea. You don't want to do that. And that's called seeing the truth about alcohol, and that's having sanity return. And it says on page 85, when you're living in the world of the spirit with God and you're in the now, what does it say? We will recoil from alcohol as a hot flame. The problem has been removed. God removes the problem. I don't do anything. I just allow God to let go of the things in me that are blocking me from God, and I access God's power. And he says, bad idea. It says we're placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. Now, to do that, we have to do the work of steps one through nine. If you don't do the steps of one through nine, you're not in the world of the spirit. You're still in self. So it says, we lie to ourselves better than anyone else. And here's the true statement. I believe my own lies. It is amazing how when you look back, you look at the things you did, and you thought your motives were good, and you thought it was a great idea, and you made a mess of things. Now, here's some more about the ego. So it talks why you don't want to concede just in your mind. And second, you don't want to leave your ego unchecked so it can rebuild. So he talks about the alcoholic ego. And how it rebuilds if left unchecked. Does anybody believe that? Yeah. Because how many people surrendered and then drank again? How many people honestly wanted to quit and then drank again? Everybody in this room. And the ego is not our enemy. It's just living on false information. It's false information. And it's developed from my self-centeredness, you see. And I don't know that it's not true. I lived my whole life on it. We lived our whole life that way. And when you do your fourth step, you see what it looks like. It's not pretty. So Henry T. Bolt, he went to AA in 1940, right after the book was published. He was a New York psychiatrist. He was a very good friend of the people who wrote this book. And he went to AA meetings to see how it worked. And he was very involved in AA. And he says, the typical alcoholic is a narcissistic, egocentric core. Wow. So when people ask you what's wrong with you, you say, well, I'm a narcissistic, egocentric core, and I need a drink. Well, what it means is you love yourself, you're an egomaniac, and you're the center of your own world. Anybody relate to that? Remember, I may not be much, but I'm all I think about. And he doesn't say this is the exception. This is the exception. This is a typical alcoholic. So when you do inventory with someone, it's always the same. You know, we all want approval. You know, we're all fear of rejection, fear of failure. But then we all think about dominated by feelings of omnipotence. Omnipotence is probably not good. It means we think we're all powerful. And so when people don't treat Michael, the all-powerful, wonderful one, right, I get angry. I get angry. I get angry. Look how they're treating me. Don't they know? Like, if I have to wait in line at the store, don't they know that I'm Michael the Magnificent? Why should I have to wait? You know, look at this lady with all the coupons. How could she be in my way? People cut you off. People have road rage. Anybody have road rage in here? Unfortunately, like I've said before, I don't have it, but my wife says I cause it. But road rage is just you not wanting anybody to get in the way of you, the Magnificent. And it can be. It's in all areas of your life. It comes up all the time. And we're angry all the time. People aren't treating us the way we think we should. And we want to intend on maintaining at all courses its inner integrity. Now, what this means is this is why we die. We don't want to give up on ourselves. We want to maintain this narcissistic, egocentric core, and we want to maintain these feelings to death. And the real gift you get is when you can see that you're completely free. That you're completely defeated. And when you can see you're completely defeated by you and living your life, then you're willing to let go of this. So when you work with an alcoholic and you see they're not willing to do the deal, they're not bad people. They're just not willing to give up on themselves, their plans, themselves, their way. That's why people die on the hyphen. Most people come in here and know that drinking's bad for them. And they know they can't keep from drinking. But the hyphen is they can't see it. The hyphen is they can't see that they've made their life unmanageable. And they left a word out. It says, our lives were unmanageable, but it's by me or by us. And so they don't want to give up on that. They always have a plan. They'll tell you what they're willing to do and not willing to do. They're not completely defeated. So everybody in this room who's completely defeated, I think that's a gift from God. That one moment when I couldn't tell myself the lie. I was true anymore. I could not argue with the truth. I could see the truth. And I always want to keep that moment alive. So he says, inwardly the Yakalhawk brooks no control from man or God. It's the story of the lighthouse and the battleship. I've told this before. The battleship is on the sea and it's dark. And the battleship is headed towards this course and it's set its course. And it's got to go. And it's got to go in this course. And they see this light ahead. So they signal the light and they say, you need to move. You're in our way. And they say, well, we're not moving. You're in our way. They say, well, no, you don't understand. I'm a battleship. And then the light says, I'm the lighthouse. See, we're the battleship and we're in our course and we hit the lighthouse. And then we do it again. And we keep doing it again. And... And we say, well, I'm not going to hit it this time. But we're laughing. But we're laughing because we can relate. You see? And our lives were just... We did the best we could, but we had one problem. When I looked at my whole inventory, I only really made one mistake. And the mistake was that I was my director. And I thought that was okay because I didn't know better. Who did I know was going to fix my life and make me feel okay? Remember, it says the alcohol is under the delusion that I can rest satisfaction and happiness if I do what? Manage it well. If I could manage the world, fix everything out there, I'd be okay. I tried my best. It never worked. It never worked. You can never get... You'll get the ducks in a row for maybe a day or two. And then they'll get out of a row and then it gets all out of a row. And then you try again. You keep trying. You say, I'll do this. I'll get this job. I'll get this person. Blah, blah, blah. It never works. So it says... Here's what he says. He will fight to preserve. If the alcoholic can truly accept the presence of a power greater than himself, truly accept that. See, that's a gift. When you're willing to believe, we give lip service to it a lot of times at meetings. But it says, can you believe or are you willing to believe that there's a power greater than you? Okay. If you can truly believe that, then it says what? What does it say that in the book? Anybody know? I know. No. But that's close. Good guess. I like that one. Page 47. It says, we need to ask yourself but one short question. It's a short question. Do I now believe or am I willing to believe that there's a power greater than me? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Now, it sounds really simple, but for an alcoholic to truly give up on yourself, to really mean this and believe that there's a power greater than you that you can go to and run your life, and it says as soon as a man can say he does believe or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. Now, you hear these people say they don't like God. Well, what they're really telling you is that really they don't want to give up on themselves. But they're using like they don't like God, they don't like the God term. That's an excuse. They just don't want to give up on themselves, but they can't see that. And it says if you do that, it's repeatedly proven that upon this simple cornerstone, a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built. I'll read a couple more lines and then we're going to open up. So he, by the very step of truly accepting this power, look what it does. And this guy was a brilliant man. It modifies at least temporarily and possibly permanently. His deepest inner structure. And when he does so without resentment or struggle, then he's no longer typically alcoholic. Now, what he's saying, it's complicated because he's writing in this very intellectual manner. But if I can truly give up on me and accept the presence, the power that there's a God available to me, and the big book in chapter 8 of Genesis, it tells us where God is. Where is God? It's deep down inside of all of us. But we obscure it by what? Calamity, pomp, worship of other things. See, AA tells you that the road to God is wide, it's all inclusive, open to all those who seek him. And the big book says God's right down in here in all of us. And what we need to do in the final analysis, we see that and we peel away in AA everything that isn't God. And then we have the power to access us. That's what it's all about. It has nothing to do with alcohol. Now, alcohol comes in the picture if you don't do that. And you're living a self-centered life. And you're a narcissistic, ego-centric whore with feelings of omnipotence, you're not going to feel well. And then you're going to drink to relieve your, give you a sense of ease and comfort. You see how it works? And it says if you can do that, then he's no longer typically alcoholic. And the strange thing is if the alcoholic can sustain that inner feeling of acceptance, he can and will remain sober for the rest of his life. Now, and look at it, it's in dark writing. How do you sustain that inner feeling of acceptance? Are you working the steps? Are you praying? Are you meditating? Are you doing inventory? Are you reading that paragraph in step 10 every day and doing it? Do you watch for selfishness, anxiety, resentment and fear? When these crop up, do you ask God to remove them? Do you discuss it with someone immediately? Do you make amends if you've harmed someone? Do you turn your thoughts to someone you can help? Love and tolerance is our code. It's not complicated. And so if you have this feeling of acceptance, then you're not going to be able to do that. If you have this feeling of acceptance, then how do you know that? You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is you ask God to direct your thinking. You know you need God's help. You know you constantly need God in your life. And that's the humility. And when you truly have that and you keep doing it, then you're no longer typically alcoholic. And your life gets a lot better. I'm going to open up here. Now, somebody remember where we were so I don't review like I always do. And then we're going to look at some things. And then we're going to read more of this next week. And if you can, you might even read this. It's good stuff. And then you're going to see how it gets to fear, these areas that you haven't applied to, to having given to God and how you learn these tools for fear. So we've covered a lot. And I'm going to stop there. And people can relate to this information, see if it's helped you. Did it help anybody? No.