Honesty and Emotion Are Good Up to a Point — So I Walked Out of Bible Study and Into AA 🙃 – Jim T.

Hey, welcome everyone. Let's have an AA meeting. My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, I'm Tim. Welcome to the Monday Night's Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. Okay, this is the AA preamble. It tells us what Alcoholics Anonymous is and what it's not. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for any membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution, does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor approves, nor proposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety. Hey everyone, I'm Paul. I'm an alcoholic. I'm grateful to be here sober when I get to read something. It's really good to be at this meeting. I think this is one of the most important meetings this elect puts on, or this meets at this place. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut ideas of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on the aabluchipspeakers.org, I heartily recommend that website, desperately in need will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them too, I must have this thing. So tonight's speaker, God, it's going on 10 years, we've known each other and have been walking down this road together, and he really cleans up nicely, I've got to say. Jim is one of the most, in his own way, in this program, we all do it in our own way, we take the suggestions in our own way, at our own speed, is one of the most earnest, nicest, most loyal, wicked funny, as they say up in the Northeast, people I've, men I've accompanied in this program. And he also has a high capacity for pain, which I think we're going to hear about tonight in some way, shape, or form. Amen. He's always just persevered forward, and usually when we've gotten together, sometimes a little time goes by, but you probably all have a friend or a sobriety companion who, when you meet them again, it's as if you had just seen them. You pick up right where you left off. It's always about trying to find what principle to practice to be able to maintain and grow a sobriety, and I really admire that about him. So with that, I give you Jim. Thank you, Paul, very much. Thanks for everybody who read. My name is Jim Thorsten. I am an alcoholic. Thank you. And I just want to say that about eight years ago, Tim caught me in the parking lot and asked me if I wanted to do this, and I said, absolutely not. I don't want to do this. I don't have a story. Well, I counted up these. This is the first thing I've done. I counted up way more note cards than I ever thought I was going to put together, like 37. So if I spend a minute on each one, that'll get us out of here in time. I'll be culling some of these as we go through. I want to say this, too. I mean it funny, but I don't. I hope not to disappoint. There's no high-speed car chases in this story of mine. There's no burning buildings. But what I do have in here is lots of insanity, some... Some insecurities, some fear, and ultimately, you know, saved by the grace of God. So doing this was great. It's like four-step on steroids, you know. It makes me peel back a lot of things that I either didn't want to or didn't know how to. And I'm still delaying telling my story by going on like this, but I'll get right to it. From my childhood part, and that's very important, I think, to me, who I am, because I've got all these vivid memories, you know. And so I share some of these vivid memories because I think, you know, it's a part of the fabric of who I am today. So with that, I'm going to get started. I came into this world April 18, 1960. My sober date is March 25th. So a quick math is, for almost 47 years, I did some crazy stuff. You know, or it's crazy in my own mind. Because I always thought drinking was wrong, but by God, I still did it. I thought my parents were quick. My mom, a fiercely strong woman from a coal mining town of Alabama that doesn't exist anymore. Never carried around. She had the Bible to beat us with it, but she knew the difference between right and wrong. She's still the matriarch of the family. She's 86 and tougher than a cockroach. My father, gentle giant, good-natured guy, fun-loving guy. Played football for the Oregon Ducks. Grew up in the Pacific Northwest. Was a Marine in the Korean War. Scared to death of my mother. About my size, but a little bit taller. And he was an alcoholic. So that's that. As far as me, I'm the middle kid. I'm sandwiched by sisters. Got a younger sister living down with her big family down in Florida, and my older sister is out in California. So my... My mom is here, Jim is here, and the kids have splattered everywhere. So as I go through the childhood, this will be pretty quick. Years one through six, I don't remember much. I don't remember hardly anything except my pop's grandfather's funeral. It was cool. We got to ride in a private car and train. He was an executive for Southern Railroad. He came up for nothing. Didn't finish high school, started security, knocking hobos off the bottom of trains, and grew up to be the head of security for Southern Railroad. So as a kid, I got to go in a private car from here to a place close to Jasper, Alabama, where he was buried, and I got to see the grief involved in family death at that time. But the rest of those years, I just remember seeing myself smiling in pictures. So I assume everything was good. I didn't know how to fake it, I don't think. So in 1966, my dad got a promotion. He was a career sales guy. We got reloaded to, he got reloaded, and we came with him, to Chicago, Illinois. Lived in a nice suburb of Chicago, north side, a place called Deerfield. And just a middle income, middle class, never wanted for much, never went hungry. Just, you know, just a little bit of everything. So that was it. Just good stuff. But here's where the vivid memories come in. So we got there, I went into first grade. And I remember my elementary school teacher's name better than I do my favorite college professor. I don't know what that says. So anyway, Mrs. Hollingman, my first grade teacher, she recognized me as a new kid coming up from the South. And so she contacted my mother and said, we're going to hold him back to kindergarten, because there's no way he's been prepared. He's been prepared for the rigors of the public school system in Illinois. Well, George Thorson wasn't going to have none of that. So I started first grade right on time. But when I started that, Mrs. Hollingman got her last digs in by nicknaming me Johnny Reb to the rest of the class. And I had no idea what Johnny Reb was. So six-year-old kids, they took Johnny Reb and turned that. into Rebel Butt. So I became Rebel Butt. And, you know, not that I remember this. So that happens. And then I become the fat kid. What you don't know about Deerfield, Illinois, maybe plenty of you, that's the headquarters of the Sarah Lee Baking Company. And they had an outlet store up there that my mother used to, go and grab every two-day-old Sarah Lee pound cake and that and chocolate ice cream would make a six-year-old kid fat. So that's what I did. Funny story, and I want to include this. No, I include it because it's important. It was probably the most embarrassing moment of maybe of my life. At the Deerfield pool, you had to go in. Everybody had to take a shower. Girls in the girls' shower. And boys had to take a shower and you had to peel down your bathing suit. And back in 1967 or 68, with those wonderful fabrics, everything made of polyester, everything clings to you. And when you're a fat kid, it really clings to you. So I'm doing my business in the shower, and I can't get my drawers back up. And so the lifeguard in there thought it was funny. So he went and gathered up all the girls from the girls' shower and brought them in. And so I don't wear bathing suits to this day. Kidding. This was the first time I became aware of mom being mad at dad. And I had no idea what it was about. Their bedroom was right next to my bedroom. And I could hear the word drink, drinking. I don't know what that would be. Six, seven, eight years old. I didn't. I just. I didn't know what it meant. But it happened every night. It seemed like it happened every night. And my relief was when my father went out of town on business because I knew that there was not going to be that screaming at 2 o'clock in the morning. And that affected me in a bad way. And my two sisters and I, we never talked about it. We just didn't talk about stuff like this. It just happened, and you just shut up. On the outside, everything looked really good. I was a Cub Scout. Had a new Schwinn. Stingray. I wish I had it today. I could sell it for a lot of money. Little League Baseball. Model rockets and airplanes. I was a pretty good trombone player. Played in the Illinois State Orchestra as I grew up a little bit. Snowball fights. Sleigh rides. Not sleigh rides. Sled rides. That was stuff all done during the day. But at the end of the day, literally, there was this night anxiety. On top of that. And where we were in the Midwest, it seemed like there was a tornado every single day. So I got to learn about tornadoes. And I know that they ripped roofs off houses. Happened to our neighbor. And running home from school under a tornado warning. But that didn't compare to the evenings where the three, four, three kids, mom, the four of us would be eating dinner in a fifth plate with nobody sitting there. And I know that my dad, and he just didn't come home for dinner. He was doing something else. So mom crying at the dinner table and the kids not saying anything and seem like they're eating pot roast every single night. So just anxiety until going to bed. And I would close the door and sit up in my bed until the headlights came in. And that could be. I have no idea. So, you know, a little tired in the morning, but that was every night. There was such relief when seeing the headlights. And then it gave me time to put the Kleenex in my ears before the screaming started. A little bit later, I was 13 or 14. And I guess back then they still did the talk to your dad, talk to your son about the birds and the bees. So it was announced to me that I was going to go on a business trip with my father down. Down to the. St. Louis during the summer. And that's cool. Maybe we can go to a Cardinals game or something while we're down there. And so we drove down, had a pretty good time driving down from Chicago down to St. Louis. And we'd be but we'd be sitting in the hotel room at night watching TV. And then dad would pop and say, I got it. I got to jump out just for a minute. You know, and three hours later, he'd come back. And the second night happened. I remember we were watching Andre the Giants wrestle. My memory's awesome. And so I started getting worried. And at holiday inn, I went downstairs and I found the lobby. Then I found the lobby bar. And sure enough, there was my dad, you know, sitting on a bar stool. And he never saw me. I turned around, ran back. And, you know, again, never talked about it. I don't talk about this thing. You know, my. My feeling is, why do you take me on this damn trip and not and not be with me? So, you know, hurt my feelings. And then the birds and the bees conversation on the way back. That was one of the most awkward 45 second conversations. So I'm the fat, insecure rebel, but kid unhappy at home. Yeah. So then then then everything switched. You know, I became suddenly important. I belonged. I fit. And what had happened was back then there was something called the President's Council on Physical Fitness. I couldn't run. I couldn't do pull ups. But God graced me with an arm where I could I could throw things a long way. You know, so the fat kid, the softball throw starting in third grade, you know, held the record for the furthest softball toss every year. Now, I realize today that the other kids and teachers didn't give a damn about that. You know, but I did. You know, it made me feel like somebody. So that was really the first shot of, you know, I am something I felt accepted, you know, and I think about it today. What that means is, you know, just being me would would never be enough, you know, that I had to be something that I said I wasn't. So fast forward a couple of years, 1975. Come back to Atlanta. I read. The reason we came back to Atlanta was my father lost his job because of drinking. He embarrassed his boss at a big national meeting being wrong. So and mom said, I've had enough. I'm moving back down south and I'm leaving your ass tonight to my father. Well, my dad is a good salesman. He sold his way back in. He found a job in Atlanta. And so so we're back. And before moving back in the pain, all the pain was worth this. I know. Longer was the fat kid because I got this horrible condition called Osgood slaughter and in my knees, which just means I'm growing too fast. Ligaments were pulling. And I mean, I was like morphing out of what I was. So I arrive in Atlanta is the is the lean, mean fighting machine. And, you know, I feel good. So I got a brand new start. I think my father slowed down drinking. I actually remember seeing an AA pamphlet or two laying around and life was good. You know, so going to Peachtree High School, which is now a beautiful middle school, my high school looked like a like a penitentiary, yellow brick and everything else. But, you know, through this gift, the guy gave me this, this bionic arm, you know, in my own mind, I became a legend, you know, pretty good baseball player and, you know, we did well and pretty. This girl in school was my sweetheart. And, you know, they didn't know about the fact that couldn't pull his his his swimsuit, you know, they just I who the new kid coming in and he can he can throw the ball really hard. And so that was all great. And I was still the insecure kid underneath, but I had this armor that was indestructible. I mean, nobody would slow me down and it didn't happen. For. A while, but so the good times roll, get a baseball scholarship to a place I never could have gotten in because I didn't care that much about school. But once Georgia Tech played baseball for Georgia Tech, well, I'm a backup. I'm just just just to hear my my first my first drinking came when I was a junior in high school and it was just social drinking me and buddies. The guy showed up with with a case of this hard stuff called any greens brings wine and it was just social drinking me and the guys would walk around the neighborhood and flip over sewer caps. That was that was that was our big night. That's what we did. And that's where it started. Good time to roll. And I'm in Georgia Tech and I moved down there. I'm no longer at the house with the bomb. Who? Loads drinking. The few times I by dad noticed that I was drunk coming home, he said, and I did, you know, but I get down there and I'm living, you know, living it up. Fraternity boys, you know, fraternity. Price didn't say it in here, but I was and drank every night having a good time. Just what college kids do. No worries. You know, everything was good, you know, with the class when I could make it. And, you know, set a baseball record, an all time record at Georgia Tech for I was a pitcher and most victories by a freshman, you know, I mean, that that records was broken, but, you know, it didn't surprise me and nothing could stop. Nothing can stop me. And then suddenly it all goes down in the last quarter of my freshman year at Georgia Tech. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer. He only made it through one round. It. You know, so he went quickly, which I think is a blessing. I am a blood clot in his lung. Kill the embolism is what they call it. So he didn't waste down to nothing, but he was gone. So I think about six weeks from diagnosis to him being killed. But so that was good. That afternoon, my father died. Bob Bingham, our deacon at the church. Why? You can. We're a Baptist church came over the house and saw my mom and had three sisters and and then came back to me and gave me a stern talking to. Well, I was I was upset and crying that he shook me and said, you know, you've got to grow up. You have to take care of your mother and your sisters. And I was I was a 19 year old kid. I didn't I didn't handle that all too well. A few weeks after that, Georgia Tech sent me a letter. They weren't overly impressed with my academic performance. And they said I had flunked out. So goodbye scholarship. No more big man on campus. No more scholarship. No more debt. And then along with that, I guess it finally sunk in that my high school sweetie had dumped me like six weeks before. I mean, I didn't even think about it until I started losing everything else. And, you know, I was all alone and just not handling things too well. But I don't know how this happened. A few weeks later, I got another letter from Georgia Tech. A horrible error has been made. You know, we're removing your D in calculus and giving you a D, a B in calculus. And you were fully reinstated. And I don't know if my coach intervened on that or what. But I was back. I was back on track. By that time, though. I had already taken. A job that tech athletes were given in the offseason, the Delta Airlines. So I was unloading airplanes and making good money for a kid at the time. And then going out at night and drinking up my wages, just having a good time. So the whole thing about that was I didn't play any summer ball, didn't stay in shape. Got a new coach, went into sophomore year and I blew up my arm. My elbow. And so I was hurt and couldn't perform. So that was that was not good for me. So then it all came back. I became very resentful, mad at the world. Why this happened to me? My dad's still dead and realize he's never coming back. I don't have my girlfriend and I'm hurt. So I'm, you know, what? Who am I again? I don't have this this outer image to to say that's me. So I just became resentful. And my way of handling that was going over next to a little bar next to the varsity on North. That was actually on Spring Street next to the varsity and drinking about two and a half pitchers of beer for lunch and going to baseball practice strong. I was doing everything drunk. And there was still no worries. That's just what college kids do. You know, I'm just going to drink. And so that's what I did. So that's when I figure. I really started drinking like that, like an alcoholic. You know, when you when you're on the baseball team and you're drunk at practice, it's probably not good when you're when you're 19, 20 years old. But I was too drunk to from all my celebrity the year before I was. I was picked as being the escort to a girl by the name of Judy Collins, not the singer, but who was on the homecoming court to be to be her date. For the. Homecoming court. Everybody gets on the field and they they told me I was over served, but I couldn't go out on the field that day. So that sticks with me a little bit. So every night was a party and every day was looking forward to the next party. Everything took a backseat to drinking baseball, school, family, everything. It was all about drinking, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. The high school sweetheart. She tried to get back, had to try to get us back together. And even though I said I think I tried, she wasn't worth giving up drinking. You know, and again, I'll never forget this. I was over it over at her house and I had to look up the word later. But her father came out and rebuked me, which means disapproves of me strongly. So I never saw her again. Somehow I managed to stay in school. I'm not flunking out. I think I did that because I was done with calculus. If I had another calculus course to take, I don't think I would have gotten through. Somehow graduated. Oh, this is funny. It's called a mini drinking story. It's interspersed with one or two of these. Graduating quarter on campus interviews. The company that I eventually went to work for. Great company. The name of West Vaco, West Virginia Pulp and Paper. They did on-campus interviews and I was really fired up to interview with them. Headquartered in Manhattan. And, you know, I was going to join. I mean, I wanted to join their marketing department and sales department. And I read a lot about them. So I went, went out and bought a pair of new shoes to go with my suit and went to the on-campus interview. I have no idea how the interview went, but I said I'm going to celebrate. And went to the. A. Buzznest or something, Marietta Street, and woke up the next day wearing my suit, but not my shoes. So I only wore their shoes once and I never know where they where they ended up. But I ended up getting the job. Spent the three first three months of that job in New York City. Put me up in a nice apartment, me and 10 other college kids. I mean, boys and girls. So you imagine what we did and I, you know, we were even told we wanted. We want you people to learn how to entertain people. Well, OK, I guess we could do that. But somehow made it to training every day. And I was a lot younger than at the end of that training period. I went out to Los Angeles. I accepted a job. Los Angeles went out to Hermosa Beach where I lived and worked for. The envelope division of West Faco, selling envelopes to utilities and, you know, papers, paper did so well that after the second year I was invited to the regional super meeting down in San Diego at a fancy club and went down there and much like my father, the second night of this meeting, while drunk. Uh, I decided. To pick up the, uh, the divisional vice president, give him a bear hug and I broke two of his wrists. I wasn't fired, but a, uh, let's just say a transfer came my way after that to go to go to another division. Um, and I, and I took the transfer back to Atlanta, um, came back here in the division, went to Newark, Delaware, just kind of something where drinking was fun. Uh, and while there I was, uh, I had a special friend who was the bartender at the Holiday Inn where, where I was holed up for these two months and she knew George Thorogood, the, the, uh, performer. And, uh, so I spent a long night with George Thorogood and the Delaware destroyers. And like I said, that was one of the, uh, that was one of the cool things about, about drinking, but not many. Uh, after settling down in Atlanta, I met my first wife. She was a pretty girl. Uh, I thought she was a drinker. I met her, met her at a, uh, happy hour. That was in the same parking lot. And, um, but she certainly wasn't in my league. Uh, we got married, bought a house first, got married in 1986. Didn't hate each other, but we were oil and water. Uh, greatest thing out of, and I mean this very, very sincerely. Greatest thing out of that union. Was the birth of my daughter. Uh, her name is Sydney. Uh, can't even say her name without breaking down. Um, she was born in May of 1990. Um, I could have slept at the hotel the night she was born and done the five-way thing, but it was, but Piedmont hospital, they didn't have a bar. So I went home and got drunk. No problem. Um, by the time Sydney was two, wife made me an ultimatum. Stop drinking or get out. So I actually came to AA before 2007, 1990, uh, or 92. I came for a 30 day stint, picked up my 30 day chip, uh, brought it home and showed it to her. And it seemed like it was right then and there. I don't care. I'm leaving you anyway. You know, and there's plenty of reasons for her to leave me. Um, but then I plotted my revenge over the next 30 days. And, uh, said, I'll go out and get drunk. And I did that. And I stayed drunk until 2007. So I was like 15, about 15 years. Uh, so during that dark period, 1992 to 2007, I lost four jobs due to being drunk. Um, I married my drinking buddy in 1997. It was getting smart. You know, he was going to bitch at me about drinking anymore. Um, uh, I had an embarrassing and awful relationship with my daughter. Uh, I'm ashamed of myself to this day for it. Um, but I couldn't, I just didn't stop drinking. I just couldn't do it. I lost the car. I lost the house. Uh, played a lot of high stakes, uh, golf, drunk, lost a lot of money. Um, you know, I've got, I've got a million drinking stories, but I'm only sharing the ones that are just really there. Um, I was in Charlotte, North Carolina. Uh, I had more frequent flyer points. I could have gone to Mars if, if one of the airlines flew there. Um, so all I had was, was the suit I was wearing. And I got on an airplane and went to the, I went to Nassau, Bahamas. And, um, got a cab, went over to the, at that time it was called the Paradise. And, uh, I had them stop. I bought a half gallon of, uh, Beefeater gin. And, uh, chatted with my wife. And, uh, she said, you know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? So I got a cab, went over to the, uh, at that time it was called the Paradise. disks Uh, I not had them stop. I bought a half gallon of, uh, Beefeater gin. And, uh, checked my hotel room. Uh, only, uh, never laid down on the bed. Just drank, and gambled. Uh, by the end of the first night I lost everything. Um, and uh, in, in Nassau, you know, you gotta have a little cash to get outta there. You know, just buy your way out. Not much. But, you know, probably, probably $35 an hour. But, um, the flight was pleasant. I don't even know if I had money in the ATM because I think I just spent it all. But anyway, there was some complimentary keynote cards. I said, well, I'll see what I can do with these. Dumb luck or grace of God or something. I went and took the keynote cards, one on those, and then went to the blackjack table and turned it into just a ridiculous winning and thought I was a hero, got out of there without sleeping for 48 hours and probably about to kill myself. That was good times. Fell down a flight of stairs. Had a puppy dog, greatest dog in the world, Lindsey Scott, bulldog, deaf, and I'm a yellow jacket and got a dog named after Georgia's star. That was my drinking buddy's idea, wife. But I fell down the stairs drunk at 2 a.m. I, for years, blamed my puppy dog that I tripped over. She wasn't even around. She was sleeping like she should have been. But I landed directly on my shoulder. And that was very fortunate. I could have landed on my head and broke my neck. You know, the doctor would say, I don't know how you landed where you did, but your shoulder's destroyed, but we can try to repair that surgically. That was a little problem, but as far as drinking, but I figured I could handle that too. After the surgery, I enhanced my drunkenness with OxyContin. Fortunately, that was into the 2000s. That was about 2005, so that only lasted a couple years before my ass went splat on the bottom. And, you know, hip-hop. And when I said, I just can't do this anymore. We're getting out and getting back into life. Months before my sober day, my mom went down to Florida with a friend, one of her girlfriends, and she fell and shattered her hip, her shoulder, something else. I got a call Friday afternoon, 5 o'clock, from the woman that she went down. There was a gym. Your mom's fallen. She's in the Halifax Hospital. You need to come down here and get on an airplane. She's going into surgery tonight. La, la, la, la, la. And I couldn't because I was wasted. And that did something. It took me right to, you know, I said, I'm the only kid here living in Atlanta. My mom needs me. I can't be there because I'm drunk. You know, after everything, she's, you know, she's my mother. So I was able to get up the next day and get down there. But before I went, I hit my knees and said, guys, you've got to help me stop. You've got to help me stop. Got her out of the hospital. Eventually, a little rehab, and then back up here. I didn't come to AA after that. I went to church. I bought everybody. I bought the Bible that they had, every different version. I started with King James. I couldn't understand that. I went to the King James Light, and then there was an international version. But I've got a walled Bible at home, which was great, but I still drank. And I've got nothing against the church. You know, I admire what they do, but it just wasn't the right thing for me. God was still in my corner. I needed something, and church wasn't doing it. In addition to going to services, I didn't just join. The Bible study group, Sunday school, I joined the advanced men's Bible study. Because I needed it. And so, these guys, you know, everybody's talking about where they went to seminary, and this, and I'm just nodding my head. And then every week, somebody gave their testimony. This is giving a story. That over there is called giving testimony. Well, finally, my number came out. And... And I didn't have seminary stories. I mean, I had some stories that for in here aren't too raw, but for the advanced men's Bible study, it was a little raw. And the leader of that group, he said, he said, honesty and emotion are good up to a point. And I never sat down. I just walked out of the room and got in my car. And who had been working? Well, it was a guy who had been working for me for about a year. And he was a guy that was working for me. And he was a guy that was working for me for about a year. And he was a guy that was working for me for about a year. And he was a guy that was working for me for about a year. And he was my old drinking buddy from Washington, D.C. when I'd go up there for work. And we would... We would drink the big martinis at the Palm Restaurant and smoke cigars and act like we were important people. And I'd sell him stuff. And I'd take him to the Masters every year. And we went to the Doral Country Club on expense accounts. And... But just... You know, I'm having a big time. And so all of a sudden, Kevin calls me while I'm fighting this thing and hoping the church will straighten me out. And it's about Masters time. And I figured he wants me. And I go, I didn't want to go there. But he didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to talk about it. He doesn't drink anymore. And I go, well, what are you doing? And he told me about AA. And I remembered AA from 15 years ago. Yeah, okay. I said, I'm doing it for the church. That's all I'm going to do. I've already tried AA. It didn't work for me. And he goes, okay. You know, I mean, he's still one of the greatest friends I've got. You know, and he'd call again. We'd talk a little bit more. And eventually, when I said, okay, I can't do this. That didn't work. I got no other choice. You know, last house on the road. I showed up at 8111 for, I think, a noon meeting and picked up a white chip. And that was out of my way. But I didn't, I didn't realize how close NAVA was. So that's when it started. You know, that was March 25th, 2007, when I picked up, when I picked up that white chip. So what happened after that was 545 became my happy hour. Came to that every single day. I heard 90 and 90 is the way to do it. I counted them up. I did 137 and 90. I mean, I, I was scared to death to direct him. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I chose a sponsor. And a great guy. He's a wonderful guy. But I chose him because he was a sales guy. He was funny. He was outgoing. He's, you know, I could see myself wanting to be him. Because of that, that stage, I heard somebody talking about going out to the monastery. And I said, hey, listen, if I need to become a monk, I'll be a monk. I mean, they were talking. They were just talking about going out to do their fifth step. And so I do anything, you know, but I said, this guy, this guy can help me get sober and great guy. But I mean, it just didn't work out, you know. And then, you know, to get in my multiple meetings, I was going to the 730 a.m. meeting. And there's always this guy in there that just, he would share and I would just, after he stopped sharing, I noticed my head was still nodding like, like one of those dogs in the back of the car. And, and I worked up the courage to ask that man to sponsor me. And, you know, thank God he said yes. So I'm very grateful for that. Okay, so, you know, God gave me a, a big dose of, see this stuff really works when that obsession to drink was lifted. And I didn't have another one until whenever it was. And I resisted doing the fourth and the fifth step. And my sponsor can tell you how much I did. I just didn't want to think about myself. You know, I didn't want to drag this stuff up. But when I finally got around to it, it was after a year, I think, you know, just the first step and the fifth step. And then we eventually, we got to the ninth step. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, to a few people where there was another agenda in place, I started taking it seriously. Not that I wouldn't, not that I didn't think I was taking it seriously, but making amends to my ex-wife, that was fine. You know, then I told my daughter who was up in Charlottesville, Virginia, at the University of Virginia, that I'd like to come see her. And so, I mean, great time. Went out to dinner, went to a football game. Then after dinner, one night, I'm driving her back to where she was living, and she's about ready to get out. I said, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute, just want to, just want to say something to you. You know, and so I started making my, my amends to her. Fifty minutes, an hour later, you know, she, she finally went, got out of the car, and went back. That is the most important day of my life, to see that girl and how hurt, hurt she was, you know, by her father. You know, she, I thought she was going to say, don't worry about that. You know, don't worry about it. It happens. And she said, why? And, but the, the power of God that I felt afterwards, I knew that this program works, you know, because nothing else could, you know, that was seven years ago. So anyway, new playmates, new playgrounds. I thought this was cute. I mean, used to be a country club guy. I said, who would have thought trading in my country club golf buddies for my brothers in a motorcycle club would be such an important part of my sobriety? Well, it is, you know, I've been to the Rock only twice. Fabulous weekend. The closest thing I've ever come to that is, is to go on any one of our arm runs that we go on, you know, going out in the middle of the fields of Cochrane, Georgia. I mean, it is a, it is a recovery platform like, like no other, you know, and guys sit around and talk about real recovery. You know, it's, you know, we only some of the guys look scary. I mean, if you ever, if you ever need something, go up to an arm guy and just ask, you know, there to help. So, you know, my life's changing. I mentioned Mary, my drinking buddy. She, she's a, she's a great person, you know, and everything else, you know, I got sober. She didn't. She didn't. At first. And for a long time, it was being married and seeing that daily, because I get drunk every day, you know, and what I did, I made up double for the next possible day. And, but me seeing that, it reminded me of what I didn't want to do, didn't want to be anymore. And that was good for a long time. And, but that was like, you know, one foot in mud and the other one on concrete. You know, I'm trying to walk recovery, but it's just not working together. So right now I'm effectively, this is just only happened in the last month or so, but, you know, I filed for divorce. I think she's still going to meetings now that that's, that's great. But the goal of me doing that is I still have a life to live and you know, I want to live it in sobriety and not just not drinking, but in, but in true. So what I've been doing, got a nice place to live and everything else. So I just, I sort of this night anxiety stuff, you know, I just don't like the nights that much. I go to work, I leave work. I go try to kill myself at one of these CrossFit gyms that gets out at 730. And then I go to an eight o'clock meeting. Then I eat too late and I come home. I read and go to sleep. But the important part of that is I go to a lot of meetings now. You know, different meetings, you know, I do some great entertainment at some of these meetings, you know, that I hadn't been to before. I was pretty much a NABA guy, you know, but living out in Dunwoody now, I see some of those and I go to the club close to here, which they ought to sell tickets to. I'm just kidding. And the goal is to keep both of my feet in recovery and in closing, let's say, and part of that is when I went to Tim a month ago, two months ago. I said, I want to do this to me, stand up here and tell my story is part of that recovery. I've got no idea what time it is, but thanks for listening. And I'm done. Thank you, Jim. He had 30 days when I picked up a white shirt. Actually, he had a couple of days after I picked up a white shirt. He picked up a 30 night shirt. I was like, how did you do that? And what did he say? One day at a time. And it worked. I mean, that's all I had. That's all that was. He was the old timer in my book. So thank you, Jim. I'm glad you came up and shared with us. OK, let's get down to the chips. Richard, hey, buddy, you just got back from New Orleans, did a little Mardi Gras, brought some beads back. But we want you to give out chips, not beads tonight. My name is Richard. I'm on all time. Thank you. We're at the Monday night speaker meeting. We have a chip system. Let's do this pretty quick. We have a white chip. White chip. You're first coming in. She's coming back. Anybody need a white chip? You have any takers on a white chip? OK, after 30 days, you get a silver chip. Anybody else have 30 days? Three months, you get a red chip. Anybody need a red chip? Six months, a yellow chip. Nine months, a green. What do you have in birthdays? Years and multiples thereof. OK, I'm ready. Yes. We'll give the white chip one more time. Congratulations on the chip here. Welcome home. You got home in one piece. That's excellent. Thank you, one and all, for joining the blue chip speakers meeting tonight.