Fourth Step Workshop Showed My Deepest Resentment Wasn’t My Wife or Sponsor — It Was Higher Power – Kenny T.

name is lisa and i'm an alcoholic welcome to the monday night blue chip speakers meeting at the nava club where a member of alcoholics anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story this reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of alcoholics anonymous each individual and our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with god these give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives we hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts and bad taste our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aa bluechipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say yes i am one of them i must have this thing so i've been um saying this this man around aa for quite a while he's looking all humble right now um and he delivers a really powerful message of recovery for men and women and um so i give you can you keep so a lot of people in here tonight everybody got coffee you know when i first came to a this guy looked at me and he's just like you like coffee i said no you want to get face over i said yeah it's gonna happen forgive me but the actual guy told me i hated coffee but before i even get i don't know anybody here don't like coffee they start like coffee many meetings started with the coffee and the resentment i've had some of the best coffee in my life in aa um but before i go any further my name is alexandre and i'm a co-founder of a coffee company and i'm a co-founder of a coffee company my name is kenny thomas and i'm a real alcoholic hey y'all and it is by god's grace and mercy the company i keep the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous a kind loving and patient patient patient patient sponsor his sponsor his sponsor wife some people say the enabler i'm saying the blesser um jails anybody here ever been to jail before you never know sometimes you go in there just like no i'm not being used anybody in here ever relapse all right all right so my sobriety date is july 14 2007 and um since that date to this date i have not found it necessary to pick up a drink or a drug i'm the guy that love anybody here love jack daniels i love jack daniels hey man i'm still here jack daniels i don't this i'm used to tell you when you tell your story you give me the flavors i drink it all man i don't care i drank rubbing alcohol once with sugar and lemon i had to come down man oh i forgot to add also add to that big book of alcoholics anonymous talks about the real alcoholic that does not mean that i'm any better or worse than any one of you in this room that is not what i'm identifying with i'm identifying with what this book talks about and this does in a couple places but when it first introduces it hey hold on i took off anymore i got a lot you got a baby and the problem with that is i got to give you your money back because i don't have you know it's still make it rain you might make it drizzle i don't know my wife tells me that i keep god very busy and so the judge um hell i forgot what i was about to talk about so it wasn't important i'm a real alcoholic thank you so in this big book of talking he gives us you know when i first came in this deal i was i didn't come to aa i came to aaa by accident i was talking with the buddy i don't he might even be in here now i don't know but i was at a meeting i first got sober i'm gonna just keep it real with you our first and there was aaa i didn't have an alcohol problem my problem was crack and cocaine so i went to the sister brother fellowship the one that came right after Alcoholics Anonymous whose co-founder got sober in AA for the sanctity of Alcoholics Anonymous I will not say what it is right now but fill in the blanks or see me at the meeting I'll gladly tell you anyway I went to this meeting I was at this clubhouse and they switched up the rooms so I walked in the room it's about as packed as this but they had different readings I'm like what the heck is this but the reason why I stayed in there is because I saw a guy that spoke at that other meeting the other day who I could we just clicked anybody ever there was just a vibe with him his name was Rocky Rocky does not mind me saying his name in fact he probably would want me to say his name loving guy I still love him to this day but I saw him in there and I raised my hand because my stomach was flipping I was jonesing I had a burning desire and my desire was about getting I had to go cop they were like that meeting is next door we're talking about alcohol in here I was like I'm not going to say exactly what I said to them the whole group but it started with an F word and there was some fingers that went up and I stormed out the room like an angry 3, 4, 5 year old kid because my feelings were hurt you can probably punch me in the day you might get hit back so don't try it but you say something to hurt my feelings I'm going to try to hurt you which lets me know right there I didn't know it that this was an inside deal so anyway I walk out the room this guy stops me and says hey man do you have a do you have a problem drinking I said not really man I got a problem crack he said what what did you do before you before and during and or after I said I always drink he said can you open up this big book can you show me something that this doctor said and at that moment Rocky shared with me the only opinion that's going to ever matter for you in recovery is the doctor's opinion I said what who's the damn doctor and the doctor jumps off I'm going to share this with you I read from this book I go by this book to the best of my ability so this doctor his name is Silkworth they used to call him Silky you know the name was Silky you know I like Silky anyway the doctor says the subject presented in this book seems to be seems to me to be of paramount importance to those afflicted with alcoholic addiction okay I say this after many years experience as medical director of one of the oldest hospitals in the country treating alcoholic and drug addiction oh snap they said drugs in the big book they said drugs in AA somebody got to get kicked out of the hospital somebody got to get kicked out of the hospital they got to go to a different meeting because we only talk about alcohol in here very facetious but when he shared that with me he's like dude you're welcome just come and don't say nothing in fact I encourage you to shut up so I did that was in 2004 maybe that was not my I was in and out of these rooms a lot trying to figure it out I go out and I come in here feel better identify with what you guys are saying relate drink the coffee with a lot of sugar a little bit of coffee a little bit of sugar a little bit more coffee you know and that began to happen but I kept on finding problems between the meeting and home never I was never drunk during a meeting never I was not the guy that would show up to an to an AA meeting drunk great waste of my I'm not wasting that's a waste I got shit to do I was sitting here wondering how long do I have to wait what the hell am I not doing right I thought I was doing the program what I heard was meeting makers make it I didn't hear the rest of it that they were saying get a sponsor work the steps and help others I didn't hear trust God clean house help others I heard get to a meeting don't drink don't use no matter what 100% right I don't debate that I'm the book I'm the alcoholic that this book talks about so it says what about the real alcoholic he may do crazy absurd tragic things when drinking and the problem with me was that I didn't see myself as a real alcoholic I thought I just had a problem drinking you know early on in this book it lets me know that it distinguishes the difference between a moderate drinker that's my wife since I'm telling this story let me go ahead and share this with you so we go out to eat she's just like I want a margarita I said okay I wonder what kind of tequila should I get I know this one I got it well I don't want anything expensive you don't want nothing cheap baby trust me why that's what I said cheap to me is crack you know I'm going to eat because I'm sleeping I'm on an alcoholic budget at this point I got to budget it out okay that shot there cost $15 and that one cost $3 yeah that means I got $24 oh yeah I'm going to eat with this one make that run but um anyway I ordered the drink first she started drinking and she drank she had like this much you guys see this this is like there was enough in there for like a big gulp I've had enough I'm feeling buzz and she didn't drink it yeah that's exactly what I said and she's done that many times over the years and I always looked just like I don't get it I don't get it and I share with her that that's the difference between me and you when you do that and feel the buzz you stop when I feel the buzz I'll come home I'll come home three days later a friend of mine Mel always says why is it that alcoholics and gophines always come to it's like three days he arose three days later there he is smelled like butane and beer Jim Beam Crown Royal Hennessy Hooch and rubbing alcohol my problem that I and I didn't even see the problem so you know my first drink took place when I was about 14 years well I was in 10th grade I don't know how old I was in 10th grade because I started school I might have been 15 and I started school and I started school and I started school I know it was 10th grade because that was the year that the movie Eddie Murphy Rock came out it was a little bit before most of y'all's time and I didn't even tell you guys I'm originally from Milwaukee, Wisconsin my mother and father split up when I was 8 years old but my dad was still in my life until the age of 10 at the age of 10 my mom remarried and we moved from Milwaukee, Wisconsin to Grambling, Louisiana let me just go ahead and preface this real quick Milwaukee's a city Grambling is a city Grambling is not I'm not country so these guys that moved down there I'm used to playing I'm used to playing soccer I'm used to playing sports roller skating doing stuff graffiti doing stuff in the city right and these guys are talking about going hunting I go hunting at the A&P man I don't want to go fishing I go fishing at the A&P too I don't know what the hell you're talking about they go hunting for coon what the hell is coon you know I had no idea what coon was and I ate some I was like this is coon this is coon this is coon this is good what is this the coon you know what coon is I had no idea and they said that's coon I said that's a fucking raccoon I hadn't been drinking yet it's picking up I want something right now anyway so oh by the way this is this is natural shit would not do that to y'all it would get us waste but I moved there and some things were happening I wasn't with my biological fathers with my stepdad and I wasn't with my biological father and I wasn't with my biological father and I wasn't with my biological father things are different in the south than what they are in the north like up north we just said yes and no down south you can say yes and no if you want to you're going to get smacked and it may not be by your mom and dad it might be by somebody across you know so I learned yes ma'am no ma'am yes sir no sir real quick no problem with that the problem I began having was that I kind of I just stood out I always wanted to fit in with the fellas sports was my thing and I was very good at it and I was very good at it and I was very good at it very good I was fast tough but I'm you know I didn't hear this term to move down south called red bone up north it was called mellow yellow so I don't know what the hell that's talking about you can't tell now but I had a I had curly hair I had curly hair when I got stoned sports was the avenue that kind of helped me to get in with the fellas but I still didn't feel at ease right and every year we would go back to Milwaukee and while back there I would hang with my best friend I've been knowing this kid I still call him kid I've been knowing him since I was about three years old and I was born in 72 we're both still alive so you can do the math on that because I can't my wife can't but I can right there so once it was Christmas we would go back every Christmas and definitely all during the summer so we're back there on Christmas and we're back there and I'm sitting there and he says yo man and we're in my grandparents basement my grandparents had a basement had a nice bar we were sitting there that's the spot we would always hang out at we weren't drinking we made a pact we're not going to drink we're not going to smoke any weed what we're going to do is we're just going to go on ahead we're going to go to college he's going to play football I'm going to play basketball we're going to make money drive Ferraris and wear t-shirts and sneakers I do wear sneakers and t-shirts I do not drive a Ferrari and I have not played in the NBA at all I did play college ball and I hated that shit weed man weed is a powerful drug too and so is beer so that's what happened but um we're sitting there and he was like hey man look this is what he I'm going to share something with him I'm going to share with you what he said and then what I heard so what he said was Kenny but you made it to the Junior Olympics but you know what and he's been drinking and smoking weed man that's what he said here's what I heard yo Kenny because Butchie has been drinking and smoking weed he made it to the Junior Olympics whatever one he said I was like man man I'm faster than him how do you make it and we sat there and there was like dead silence and he said man let's go ahead and just get us some of the drinks see what it's like cool so we're sitting there and I'm looking at what to drink I want to make sure that I find something that my grandparents don't really that they wouldn't notice right so I found this bottle this dusty old bottle it said N07 I had no idea that was going to be my friend for the rest of my life I ain't nothing but we drank it and I didn't tell you guys this but growing up I was a skinny kid I had curly hair by this age in my life I had acne I stuttered it was real hard for me to speak to young ladies you guys used to have cooties you got to be careful you got rid of the cooties you guys had exactly what I wanted I didn't even know what it was but it looked good but I couldn't see how it stuttered and then all of a sudden first my chest was on fire my throat was about to explode so I drank a little bit more and all of a sudden yeah my name is Kenny I need your phone number right now that's how I felt I'm strong I was a skinny kid my face was all of a sudden smooth I even grew a little mustache back then my hair was lean right I could play basketball better than Mike I was smarter than Einstein I felt like I touched life like the promises that we read I was painstaking about getting that drink down but what I said at that moment and I don't know if I said it out loud or if I said it out loud or in my head but what I said was I gotta keep this feeling for the rest of my life by any means necessary now there's a trick with drinking that I never mastered how many drinks does it take for me to get the buzz on one fuck let's go with the whole pack six pack yeah get another one and my nickname changed because I told you guys it was mellow yellow and red bone it changed it changed to earl real quick I drank that earl it was everywhere and that happened you know I didn't drink a lot during high school graduated high school go off to college went to HBCU in Tallahassee, Florida and before that before going to HBCU in Tallahassee I went to school down in Fort Lauderdale played basketball down there had more drugs played in sports collegiate sports than any time and I was like I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that up to that moment in my life I did and got to school there in Tallahassee, Florida and I drank because I was bored I drank because I had a job I drank because I had an A in a class I drank damn because I fucked the damn class I drank because I missed the damn class hey I got a job party let's have a party I got fired oh shit let's have a party but it was fun anything about Alcoholics Anonymous and it was introduced to me as a part of my life a friend of mine we were drinking buddies and she's an activist in this deal she asked me to not say her name so I won't but still good friends and me and my best friend were walking around she comes out we're walking we're getting ready we're getting in shape I was about to go out for the night so I did my pushups pull ups and everything walking around I'm brewing my hand because I just finished working out and that's what you do and she sees us we start talking we start talking we're going to come out with us tonight she says no I don't drink anymore I'm an alcoholic I said that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life she said why I said alcoholics drink she said no they don't I said yeah and she looked at me now my best friend drank me under the table she looked at me and she's like you think you're an alcoholic hell no now this is 1997 didn't know what this was damn sure didn't care what this was and when every time I saw a group of you people together you guys were crazy it's still true we are crazy but we're crazy together that's our goal I love it my first introduction I had to AA was through her she asked me if she thought I was an alcoholic and I was like you didn't ask this why you gonna ask me you didn't ask this cat went out and drank Frank got arrested I didn't and it was so fun what began to happen was there was some type of consequences I would get um anybody ever hear dodge the pink elephant when you're driving okay yeah that happened to me or or even hit me joker and I'm wondering what happened it's called blackouts I guess and one time I was drinking I wanted to find a way to control it where I didn't throw up and I wanted to drink like a gentleman I found it it's a nice powdered substance that you snort in your nose I found a new sweet spot I hit that sweet spot and I was off and then I found another way to smoke the sweet spot and that's when things really started going I my intentions were to just do this amount and I'm gonna go ahead and hang out with the fellas and that never happened or by this time I was married um with kids I'm at home my wife was working at night and this is where stuff was really starting to get crazy that I could realize it was getting crazy and I was like the kids at home and go cop and get drunk and bring the stuff back home or do I take them with me two favorite words I'm gonna go ahead and put them in the car I mean buckle them on there you guys know me nothing's gonna happen to them and there's been and this is in south Florida where there's you know every major city's got got its spots although I did grow up in the spots this is my own personal belief most parents that I know I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that I try to do better for the kids and that was a that was a tight one that I had there um flash forward a lot I um I was out one night got busted I used to I used to brag about I had a bunch of friends all of them got arrested for anything I'm like I beat God black man in America I got no record and um they said I had a gram of dope and they said I had a full fifth I didn't know what kind of it was some ABC liquor I said man if that's a fifth and that's a gram go ahead let me drink a smoke there right now and then take me in because it was not right they took me in anyway and there was a consequence that I had and the consequence was like I know this feeling because this happened it'll never happen again and about not even two weeks later I'm back at it again and see by this point I started coming to these classes and I was like I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I didn't call these meetings these were classes and I had to get that piece of paper signed anybody else had it you got to raise your hand on it I know you're here but I did hell I should sign my own I'm beating the system they beat me I'm gonna get mine I sure did get mine I got locked up again I got mine for the same reason and I remember the first time that I I made an honest sincere desire to stop and I said to get sober was in April of 2006 and I can remember that day as clear as a bell and just cause I remember that day as clear as a bell I didn't stay sober what happened to me and what I see happening to a lot of guys and gals is get in here stuff starts getting good I was getting guys sober not the workings of Alcoholics Anonymous that introduced me to a power much more much greater than me I call it greater than no I got these guys sore yeah sore they were sore at me but they sober that's a crockle you know that's not it I don't have enough power to get myself sober so I cannot get not a single solitary person in this room or any place else sober or drunk I don't have that power I know it today but I didn't know it then so during that time frame I had a sponsor his name was Rocky the same Rocky dude took me through these 12 steps and I did begin sponsoring guys and things began happening great in my life got a started a career became a productive member of society and I started I didn't do what I was now told to do like plan my day around a meeting at least one call and talk to I had to call five alcoholics every day and talk to at least three besides my sponsor I didn't do that I was going at meetings I was talking at people I knew what needs to be done and to make a long story short I had 14 months and two days in relapse anybody ever have those using dreams well 14 months and two days that shit was a nightmare if anyone's ever relapsed before they can always tell you the same thing I'm about to tell you it sucks ain't nothing fun about it not a damn thing that's fun I stayed out for six weeks felt like I don't know felt too long there was out of six weeks I probably had about four hours of fun I just couldn't stop so when I came back in here July 14th 2007 I was sitting in my apartment we bought a house up here my wife and kids was up here I was down in South Florida still working and I was sitting in my apartment and I sat there and I said my old famous words I'm going to say the exact same words but damn I just said I wasn't going to do this and I did it again I tried AA I tried the other fellowships acupuncture reiki full submerged baptisms changing religions again and again getting married getting divorced getting married again I tried to do all these things to be responsible I tried to find sufficient reason to stop or to moderate that's a hard drinker she don't work for me I am the alcoholic that this big book talks about that everybody's got to be everybody shares about me every meeting you ever go to or even think about going to I am powerless over alcohol and drugs mentally and physically this very second I have no power because further on this same book on page 30 says we know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control I accept that with all of its glory I ain't going to recover it I've used up my card I either smoked it up or drank it up but I don't have it anymore hey hey can you take it see I had to come in here like this I don't know what to do what y'all what do I got to do because I was missing something all forward in my in my life has been the word something and I never knew why until I came back into this deal and began asking questions the question was not why hey when I came when I got sober was is alcoholism is are you born wicked or did you learn it I remember sitting in meetings I used to go to the triangle club a lot it was like hey look I don't care which one it is I got it how do I get this off my back so the very next day on July 15th which was a Sunday I was staying with my sponsor Rocky and I wake up the next morning feeling like crap and I said hey Rock look I know we're going to go to some meetings I'm going to get these white chips we're going to go meet and hop he said yes I said okay he says but I'm about to go to church hey Rock you know my feeling about church he says well I'm going you want to go and I had to sit there and honestly look at it look at my situation my exact words pardon me Tim ain't shit else working let's go nothing else is working in my life maybe this will work I don't know but something's got to work because my way is is horrible and we got in the car we go to this huge church down there and my head is down my whole time we're standing up longer than what I've been standing up here mind you I just came off a run and I'm standing there I'm sweating and I'm freezing I'm sweating and I'm freezing and I'm like somebody give me some candy I feel like a mother died it's hot you know come and we sit down and I want to share this with you guys because it's something that grabbed my attention I'm not a religious guy but Alcoholics Anonymous in this big book tells you to be quick to see what religious people are like if you haven't gotten that far in your book get your response and get that far if you need any help with that send me out to the meeting we got some other guys and gals in here willing to help but this guy got up there and he said right now I know somebody's in here he said Joneson coming down stomach's flipping I'm like he said y'all remember when I was an alcoholic a dope for you in the pimp I was like that's my dude I'm joining sign me up not gonna be his right hand man though right and he said hey bring it here and your life will change and I was like I'm sitting there saying to myself you know how many times I've gone to the altar you know how many times I've gone to the mosque and prayed or to the temple and prayed to a Buddhist temple I've you know how many times I've gone to the altar you know how many times I've done that before pleaded and begged for God to help me out God had it out for me that was the feeling that I had I went up there anyway and leave out of there get in the car and I made a phone call to my dad my dad's just like hey you called your wife no hell no hey man I got some peace right now you want to talk to her hell no well call her let her know that you're alive did you talk to her no he said yeah I was like she knows I'm alive and the reality is that I didn't want to dance to the music I don't like dancing to the music we have steps to dance to the music those are called amends but I gotta clean up some stuff before I get into that as I'm dialing the phone I shoot up another prayer hey God if you're the you know give me one more chance I'll do anything to not get back to this situation again anything so the phone rings and she answers it going off and then she says I don't know why I'm saying this but I'm going to give you one more chance you're on time you're on time ain't you okay but there's a condition you know you gotta pack your stuff until your job you're leaving me and your father will be there on Wednesday and this was Sunday I had a job I think I thought I did wasn't sure because it didn't show up in a couple days and I'm in town and I was in sales still am now so I was in sales and I was like I don't know what happened come to work on I couldn't I came to right on Monday I came to work on Monday and I left to know that I'm leaving I'm going crazy they come and get me we get up here and everything is different up here in Georgia everything y'all ain't got no ocean breeze no I still this day refuse to eat seafood here in Atlanta unless it's from fresh water it's just different I came to these meetings y'all was doing meetings wrong wrong mind you I only had like three days sober but still doing meetings wrong and I came in here with a huge resentment because I didn't share this with you but I went to high school in Tallahassee as well and while there a whole school year I was called the N word every single day and it wasn't by people you know it wasn't by my folks you know what no it wasn't like that it was like get out KKK type stuff and it left it left resentment so I came in the AA with resentment if you're a white man with a twang in your voice from the south we got a problem oh forgot to tell you my stepfather was a black man I told him I'd kill him he hit my mother so now I have resentment trust issues with black men I'm a man it's not easy doing that in the south or anywhere I don't like any men wait a minute hold on I'm a man you know it was a problem and I came here with that now I live in Conyers so I went to a meeting out there in Conyers my very first day and I told him you move up here go to a meeting put your bags down put your ass to a meeting that's what I did I go there to this meeting in Conyers and I see pickup trucks and I'm like alright well I'm bigger now fellas I weigh 168 pounds I'm bigger now all love and what happens is these guys share with me that I need to get a sponsor and I was told that multiple times up here face to face I hooked up with this guy his name is Don Bryan if you guys don't want to know who Don is every third Tuesday of the month the 10th Street group has a night to remember it's an AA speaker meeting Don's a cool guy with the sunglasses on he has white hair my beard is platinum his shit is white just want you guys to know that alright alright alright that's a joke y'all can laugh whenever you want to but it's the real deal anyway I started working with Don and Don and I got busy with these steps and I started feeling I wanted to feel different he shared with me if you want to feel different you got to be willing to do something different your way and he said if your way works keep doing it but if your way don't work sit down shut up and say that and listen see when I came in here they told me to be quiet sit down sit up front I was new they told me the new folks sit in the back oh they about to get high Kenny wants to be back there with them hell nah hell nah they can't be back here in the back peace stay in the back I'm up front do I take notes what do I do shut up and listen I had mess ask the meeting oh Kenny how much time you got 17 days oh 17 days talk to the guy over there that's got two get his number should I give him mine no you get his number and you call him hey Kenny while you're at it why don't you go on ahead and be a greeter at this door at the triangle club and every meeting you go to you got a greet I went to every damn meeting that they had because I was afraid to go home and be anywhere by myself and I had a family still do the process of life began to change my home group is a heavy hitters men's group of alcoholics anonymous we meet every Saturday at 5 o'clock at 1933 Walden Avenue any man in here that wants to know about that meeting see me after the meeting any man in here who's thinking they need some help or you want to do this on your own catch me after the meeting I would love to talk to you and I don't help God works through me so um I don't have enough power for any of that stuff but these 12 help with that I'm talking fast because life has gotten so well I want to try to identify with everybody in here I really want to convince the new guy and gal in here that this works I know this I always talk about meetings that shouldn't try to convince but I told y'all I tried I tried I tried I messed up the thing with trying is that it doesn't exist I'm either going to do it or I'm not I'm either going to do the 12 steps outlined on the wall thoroughly given to me in this big book where my sponsor pronounces it to me by word of mouth and tells me and shows me how to do this a day at a time these guys my I asked him I'm taking this up at 9 o'clock I told you I'm trying to go up I know but he's joking I've always got to go I got stuff to do all day tomorrow so check this out we read and how it works 58 in the big book I'm going to share something with you guys if you've decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it hey Don what's it how do I get it well the first thing you got to stop doing is asking why what do you mean okay because why is it relevant why is it relevant what the hell what do I do great question how do I do it another great question the big book in these 12 steps the big book in 12 steps I'm going to show us exactly what to do and how to do we're going to learn how to live in the now what go to the hitters meeting let's see you later on so I go to this I go to my heavy hitters meeting leave the meeting these guys like I can't even go out to eat you want to go with us no man I got to drop this thing off to this to this guy named Bill Sanders so I can go to the Atlanta Men's Workshop which is a men's spiritual retreat where 400 men get together in the woods whoa whoa hold on Don I don't do that what I don't do woods and I don't do 400 dudes there's not going to be no women in there no alright so we going to go is this what you do yeah man it's just what we do alright so I go out to eat with these guys and these guys are sharing stories with me about you know different events that took place in their life during the past week or two and what's that problem is and I'm sitting they got like a third guy and I'm sitting there eating and I was like hey and by the way I had some nice Jamaican food brown skewer rice anyway I love food so food goes figure that shit out and these dudes are sitting there talking about these problems I look at them I'm like yo y'all taking this stuff a bit too serious right and they all look at me like you're down I'm right man this is life or death and they said yeah this dude Doc was sitting and Doc was yo man how much time you got I'm like I got 54 days how much time you got and these guys went around the circle for 16 years 18 years 34 years 28 years 10 5 3 1 1 54 days and I was inspired because these guys were on fire they were talking about God there's 12 steps and you better get you a sponsee get you a newcomer you don't have one no get you one you can't find one here no go to meetings and find them and if it gets too bad go ask who a treatment center and if it gets real bad go to the club and hang out but don't go by yourself think about 3 or 4 guys I haven't had to go to the club but I've gone to AA clubhouse NA clubhouse to see I what I'm experiencing at that moment was living the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous there is no differentiation between ok we're going to talk about recovery ok now we're going to talk about life oh everyone I've ever seen do that keeps getting white chips I want to be part of I like blue chips called the blue zone I love it but I did not know what else was going to come down I didn't know so I go to this men's spiritual retreat we get there and we're sitting there and Don's talking about you know we sit down and do this this damn fifth step I had to write down this stuff and this fourth step and let me tell you this nice gentleman told me to redo it again I thought I was going to bust his ass I thought I was going to bust him in the head do it again you know I'm mad man what you talking about because I was hurt I'm feeling are hurt easily hurt I'm relying on me that's called a defect there's a spiritual principle to solve that awareness a conscious awareness of a higher power we call that step 11 I didn't know that then I go sit in this workshop they had a four step workshop and talk about resentments my resentment was not towards my sponsor who I thought it would be not towards my wife who happened to piss me off again it's to God I'm going to the clear blue it's just God how come God God made me an alcoholic and a dope thing he took my grandmother from me my grandfather from me the two people I love dear my two best friends were like brothers to me effem that's not exactly what I said but hand clap attaboys all this cool stuff you're in a great spot and what happened was I get up we had a break and I go outside my mouth never opened I'm smoking a cigarette and I'm like alright God if it's a real deal prove it and I don't hear them birds either and this guy comes walks around the corner and says hey man I heard you got a problem with God to this day I don't know who that man is but I was inspired to touch at that moment and I was thrust forward to continue to move and do this deal and later on about three months later I go to this man who was he used to be a great grand sponsor and he passed away Bill Root and I'm going to talk to Root quite a bit and he had a celebration and I went there and there's a partners book where I feel it says we feel safe and secure like and I sat there and I felt that way for the first time like confident like man I can do anything just confident with it not cocky just like first time I ever felt that flash forward a couple more months actually a whole other year goes around and Rusty Jones would always he always shared that you hit a bottom you hit a bottom Mr. Brack and they suck I just do I can't blame it on the dope and alcohol no more my bottom was I was I was fired from my job that I had it was a fear I was like oh shit what the hell do I do and I've always been the guy that looks like well ain't nothing else working but this deal I'm going to trudge harder into this see what happens and we got through it and I had a low spot got real depressed I thought about killing myself I'm going to share with you real quick before I go what AA has really done I came in here angry I came in here with destructive motives and I sat there in my garage that day cold home after being told no four times from interviews overqualified I was like you know my family would be better off without me go ahead close the garage door down crack this window let this joke ride out I don't even know what song I was playing and then all of a sudden my kids come to the door happy to see me my wife comes in happy to see me I'm like have y'all been smoking dope as hell what are you happy to see me for and immediately I stepped out of myself and started like I got to be there to help them they're not alcoholics but my job is to be my children's sponsor because they're newcomers to life I've learned that here in AA and AA's messed up my anger it's helped me to laugh which is a healing crying which is the cleansing and I had to get involved with these 12 steps with a sponsor and I've gone through these 12 steps many times but I've been through them with my sponsor once y'all hear me I didn't sit around waiting for Don to take me back through the 12 steps Don told me you're going to go back through them again with another guy Don thank you you want to thank me do this for the next guy it ain't about me alcoholics dominance is not a selfish program it's a program of love dedication perseverance and trust so I'm going to read one thing I'm going to walk off the door there's a promise anybody here ever heard the promises I know you're tired raise your anybody here ever heard the promises damn you feel all alone no there's more than just we hear it a lot and they're great and wonderful and I need to hear them I need to hear them there's another one there's a lot more at least a hundred of them this will cut from page 75 we pocket our pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character every dark cranny of the past once we have taken this step withholding nothing we're delighted we can look the world in the eye we can be alone in perfect peace and ease our fears fall from us we begin to feel the nearness of our own our creator we may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience the feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly we feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand in the spirit of the universe may God bless you and keep you thank you wonderful I have asked Gail to give out the chips an alcoholic hey Gail alright in AA we use chips to mark our time we'll start with the white chip give out the chips if you heard something you like and you want to walk this way or if you're coming back in you want to pick up a white chip anybody need a white chip tonight a silver chip for 30 days anybody got 30 days 30 days and 30 nights what about 60 days it's strange to me but it's true