Emotional Sobriety Means Thinking About My Thinking Not About the Drinking — Permelia H.

Tonight, I am real excited to be able to introduce Pramila to the crowd again. She spoke a few years back and really seems like it's overdue. I love it when she shares. She'll tell you what the problem is, but she's always got a solution. Pramila, take over. Oh, well, gosh, thank God. I'm Pramila. I'm an alcoholic. You're a real good-looking group tonight. Thank you for being here. I tell you, I grew up on the south side of town, near the airport, College Park, Haightville, East Point. I'm real familiar with that area. And the more I stay sober, the better my childhood looks. I just had the normal stuff. I went to school, made friends. Had meals, did homework. Just the regular kind of stuff. There wasn't any drinking in my family. But since I've been in AA, I've begun to examine things that happened in my early childhood and to talk to my relatives about what their childhoods were like. And I could see... Strains of untreated alcoholism throughout my whole life, my growing-up life, things that I got to have things my own way. That was a good thing. My mom got to have things her own way. My dad used the silent scorn as a way of showing his anger. And see, I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that. I didn't realize that. I didn't realize any of this until I got to AA. My parents were divorced when I was about 11. And I guess I've been thinking over my childhood preparing for this story. And I guess it's like an onion, the layers come off in peel. And I think it was after the divorce that things started changing for me. I felt like I was an outcast. I felt different from anyone else. I stopped talking about my feelings, and I was hurt and angry that my dad didn't live with me anymore. And I didn't have any safe place to say that. My mother was hurt and angry also. And the way she chose to express that is that she bad-mouthed my father for many, many, many years. I took my first drink during that time. I was about 11. The word got around in the neighborhood that there were some boys down the street, teenagers, that were going to be drinking some beer that night. And I got around somehow that we were all going to meet down there. I asked my mother, could I go out? And wouldn't you know it, she said no. But I went anyway. And sat around with the fellas. I think maybe I took maybe one sip of beer. And got back to the house, and she asked me where I'd been that night. And I said real nonchalant, like 11 years old. Now, oh, I'd just been out drinking some beer. And the reaction was swift and powerful, believe me. But you know, as I've been thinking over my past and talking about it, that was the first time I had ever associated alcohol with the boys. And with romance. And with rebelling. And doing something that I really shouldn't be doing. Excitement. That's the first time I'd ever associated that. And as I was preparing for this story, I could see that I seem like I'm pretty much always covered up by feelings. I pretty much always haven't known how to deal with things. I've never known how to really deal with things. So I would cover up. I would cover up my feelings to a big extent. After my parents were divorced, we sort of became the outcasts of the neighborhood. We grew up in a neighborhood where there was a father-mother-kids. And so now it was just the mother and the kids. And it may not have been this way at all, but I felt like I was an outcast. I had to come to Aiken. I had to come to Aiken. I had to come to Aiken. To figure out that the way I was feeling may not have been how it really was at all. It's just the way I was feeling about the situation. So it was pretty much a battle. I just felt different. And of course, from that perspective, things are going to look to me like I was treated differently and all like that. I didn't really... I didn't really drink too much until later I went to grammar school, high school, all the usual stuff. And past all understanding is the patience that mothers, well in my case mothers, but the literature says mothers and other family members have with the alcoholic. Because once I began to... When I began to drink, it just unlocked something in me and I got real inappropriate. I know that's hard to believe looking at this, but I got very inappropriate and I took my first hostage at the age of 17. I thought that after high school the world ended. And... I just made... Might as well go ahead and get married. And after looking at it, since I've been sober, I realized that I was getting away from my mother. You know, what a load to put on a young man. A wife that's marrying him to get away from a mother. What a load to put on somebody. So... I really had to ask for forgiveness for myself. And for him also. When I was 19 and enrolled in nursing school, I had a horrendous car accident. And you may notice a little bit of speech impediment that I have right now. That's left over from that car accident. But... I don't know. After that, I really started to feel less than. And... It's just so amazing how all that centered on my speech impediment. Never was I grateful that I made it through the car accident. I could still walk. I could still talk. I could still eat, see, hear. No, it was all about the speech impediment. See, I felt different. I felt different from others. So I just focused on this one thing. Oh... If only things were different. And you know, that didn't change until I got to AA. And somebody just looked me straight in the eyes and said, Get off of it. And also, I saw a man who had his voice box removed. And had to talk through a hand-held voice box. And I just went, Oh, gosh. But for the grace of God. You know, drinking is not too much of an obsession with me anymore. It's my thinking that I have to deal with on a daily basis. You know, someone said to me, I've got to put up with myself on a daily basis. I have to wake up and look myself in the eye. So, um... I don't know. After I had that car wreck, I was just feeling so bad about myself that I began to drink and use drugs on a daily basis. Anything to cover up myself. And since I've been sober, I've had to look back over that time and try to find something positive about that time in my life. I was able to go back to nursing school after I had that... I had that accident. And graduate. And I worked for 38 years as a nurse. And you know, I had to have touched somebody's life during that time. So, that's what I just had to say to myself. Um... I finally just was hurting so bad. I was just hurting so bad on the inside. That, uh... People at my job intervened on me. I, um... Got a job with the Fulton County Alcoholism Treatment Center while I was on Boulevard. Now, can you imagine a drunk nurse trying to teach others how to live without alcohol? But I tell you, that's where the seed was planted. Because, uh... I can recall now one of the doctors saying, One is too many and a thousand not enough. And, uh... I could relate to that. I had to wait till I got to AA to realize that it was the first drink that set in motion the obsession. I was just... I was just stunned when I got to AA. And they said, If you don't drink, you won't get drunk. You know, how simple. If you don't put it in, you won't drink. Um... I was working the night shift at the Fulton County Alcoholism Treatment Center. And it had just gotten so bad that I would drag myself into work drunk. Set up the few little medicines I could. Make sure everyone was medicated. And then I would lay down on the couch there in the open room and go to sleep. And if one of the patients would come down and, uh... ask for medication... Detoxing patients now. You know how... And ask for some medication. Um... I can recall... Rising up and just cursing them. For waking... For waking me up. And, um... So they reported me. Uh... So I, um... They intervened on me. They called me into the office. See, the amazing thing... Today I believe that God set that up. Just the way it was supposed to be. Because at any other job... Every other job I would have... They would say, You messed up. You're fired. At the Fulton County Alcoholism Treatment Center they said, Let us help you. And that made all the difference in the world to me. Um... I got my... My first sponsor... Was the nurse who intervened on me. She only had one year sober at that time. And of course I used to hear stories about... Uh... About her, you know, the office grapevine and all. And, uh... So... She made a comment to me. Uh... She confronted me. She said, um... Well, we've had some, um... Reports about your inappropriate behavior. Oh... What are you talking about? Oh, no. Not me. Not me. And she said, Where there's smoke, there's usually fire. And through a set of circumstances... I was able to... Acknowledge that I was... Uh... Drinking... To the excess. And it was really affecting my behavior. Through a set of circumstances I was led to, uh... A halfway house. And... On to A.A. And, uh... I went into a halfway house to Evan Decatur. Well-known halfway house. Breakthrough. And, uh... I started going to A.A. meetings. Um... And started working on myself. And, man, it was painful. Um... I did a fifth step. And someone held me in their arms... While I cried. Uh... Over having mentioned, uh... Some things. And, um... I tell you, like a true alcoholic, I got real arrogant. And thought I owned the halfway house. You know. They quickly told me, It's time for you to go. Someone asked me for a fifth step. I was like, What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? family members have for us. My mother, whom I had much maligned, was there for me, as she's been there for me many a time, and she was there for me, and I lived with her for a bit until I went back to my apartment in Virginia, in Virginia Highlands, yes. Started going to the Dogwood Club when I was there on North Highland behind Johnny's Pizza, and was able to make some friends and have fellowship and all, and one day we saw this announcement up on the board about a New Year's Eve dance at the Tarragon. Tarragon Club in Hapeville, and I thought to myself, well, gosh, that's my old stomping ground. Why don't I go down there to that Tarragon Club? And then when I got to the Tarragon Club, this old fella asked me to square dance, and I felt like I had come home, so I arranged that I would move back to the Tarragon Club, and I moved back to Hapeville, and I've just been so happy. I just love the South Side. I just love the way the land lies down there, and the way that things come together and all, and I just love it down there. When I was nine years sober, I was able to buy a house in Hapeville. I tell you, they didn't explain to me that the grass was going to grow. to learn to for 18 years I mowed my lawn you know I got such a kick out of it um I don't have the obsession to drink anymore but it's my thinking that gets me into trouble um I'll go to meetings and they'll talk about selfishness self-centeredness that's the key to our problem and it never occurred to me that I was drinking because I was into myself I thought it was because all these people had done these things to me and I thought it was because I was different from everyone else but I got to AA and my first sponsor said get off of it you are no different from anyone else and they say that in the big book somewhere we doubt that we are any more different than normal people in in certain situations so um I tell you they talk about selfishness and self-centeredness and I raised my hand and said you know that is not me I always put the dollar in the basket I always smile at people try to talk to the newcomers but then you let something not go my way and you let somebody say something to me that offends me and then we'll begin to see the alcoholic come out with a nail there used to be a poster that with a cat hanging on by its by its claws uh saying everything I ever let go of had claw marks or I'm here to say I'm not a cat I'm not a cat I'm not a cat I'm not a cat I'm not a cat I'm not a cat I'm not a cat I know I'm not a cat I'm not a cat Don't think anybody, say that was too much that that is that is so for me it's a process to be littly girl scene so I went back Donna Tara and through a set of circumstances I had to move back in with my mother and uh she was still glad to have me there why because she can tell me what to do now see I had didn't say at that time she was going to名 makes me laid on the ground and say that Trayvon had a surprise dream plans for him where would you be there. why coming home? greatかったyavoralife.com Since I've been sober and not clouding up my mind, I can see these things. So, there I am, 35 years old, living with my mother again, and I'm upset because she doesn't do things the way I want her to. I am in her house, and I'm upset because she's not doing the things I want her to. I called up my sponsor and talked with her about this, and she said, I want you to go downstairs and look your mother straight in the eye and say, I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you. And I really had to pause a minute because I'm so caught up in what my mother has done to me, not what I've done. I've done to her, but it says, are you willing to go to any length? So, I went downstairs and did that. I looked her straight in the eye and said, Mother, I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you. And, you know, I expected her to say, well, oh, baby, that's okay. Don't worry about it. But what she said was, you have done. A lot to me. So, I can see it. It hadn't been really easy being my mother. But, you know, after I did that, things sort of shifted between my mother and me. It was just, it was really awesome. Now, I can let her stuff be her stuff. Most of the time, I can let her stuff be her stuff. I had, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was. I was about 20 years sober before I realized that my dad isn't getting any younger. I'm not getting any younger. My dad's not getting any younger. So, um, I just decided to start sending him Father's Day cards. We've been estranged for all these years. And, um, I just started, decided to start sending him. Father's Day cards. Father's Day cards. For about five or six years, I've been calling him up and saying, Well, I just wanted to say hello and find out how you're doing. And then the conversation will progress from there. And I realized that my dad's a human being also. He's got wishes and desires. And, uh, he has hope for the future. And, uh, he prays. And, uh, I just recently, um, was introduced to a book about, um, Now, it does say in the literature that we are to avail ourselves of outside help when it's appropriate. There are many fine doctors that we should avail ourselves of outside help. So, I just recently came across this book. It's about letting go your anger against men. And what it says is, start listing the things you like about men. And if you can't think of any, here's the list for you. It starts out saying things like, men are loving. Men are faithful. Men have hope for the future. Men pray. And I, since I've been saying that to myself, things have kind of shifted for me. Uh, men are loving. Men are kind. I've just started to say that to you, to myself. I've started going to a senior center in Hapeville. Because I retired from being a nurse. And after a year or so, it finally sank in that, you know, I would get up every morning and cry. Because there wasn't any place to go anymore, you know. Finally started to sink in that, uh, I'm retired and it is up to me to get out and do some things. So, I started going to a senior center. And this one old lady there just gets my gut. Um, like I was saying, I don't think about drinking anymore. In fact, someone pointed out to me that, uh, alcohol is only mentioned in the first part of the first step. The rest of the steps are about what's on the inside of us and working on our feelings. And I'm still not over that. I, I, I still, um. Can't even hardly bring myself to look at her, but it's because of fear. It is because of fear. There's something I'm afraid of, uh, uh, about her. And I've been able to say that to myself, something that I'm, I'm afraid of. And, um, I stopped smoking cigarettes about, uh, thirteen years ago. No, excuse me. About sixteen years ago. And the Tarot Club, they were still smoking. So I looked around and I visited the Napa Club and I just fell in love with this place. I love the people. I love what they have to say. And, in fact, I take what I hear up here and go back to Tarot and say it. And they'll think I'm a guru or something. I heard, I heard it up here. In fact, I heard it up here. In fact, I just heard something tonight that I didn't know. Tim and I were talking about the 24-hour day book. And I thought that my sponsor, um, mentioned that that was all that they had back in the sixties to, to read and all. And I just learned, uh, tonight, I hope I'm saying this right, that, uh, money from that book. Does not go to AA. I just learned that tonight. And, uh, my first sponsor was that lady who intervened on me at, um, um, Fulton County Alcoholism Treatment Center. And she really helped me. I called her every day. Um, and, and just talked with her. See, I isolated myself for so long. I stayed alone inside my head. I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, it was one thing. I did keep my rabb decisional methods into my head for so long that realizing that someone was interested in me and my welfare was a big thing for me. So, I did call her regularly. And after about a year or so, I did my first fifth step with her in the front yard of, um, the Halfway House. And after about a year or so, she stopped returning my calls. And I couldn't do anything. Not a single call. Not nor her. Every night I'd call her. Um, only everything. I couldn't ever really figure it out. Since that time, someone has told me that sponsors have lives, too. Sponsors have to work and to make meals, and they have spouses and all like that. But I tell you, I ran into Jan a couple of years ago at a meeting on the south side, and she was trying to get back from a relapse. She'd had 20 years sober and was trying to get back from a relapse. And I thought, oh, my, my, my. Someone, I recall someone saying that be careful how you treat the new customers. Because they may wind up being your sponsor one day. And it's really kind of a sobering thought to me. My second sponsor I found at the chair club named Eleanor. Just a graceful, older woman who had many years sober. And she was kind of a stabilizing force in my life. I'm telling you, I was. I was so out of it when I got to AA that people had to tell me that when you get an unexpected bill in the mail, don't ignore it. Don't put it off the side and ignore it. Call them up and find out what's going on and pay or either promise to pay the bill. So it's just life-altering. And I think on life terms, things like that, that you people have taught me to. I tell you, I overheard once that someone said that he knew he had arrived when his driver's license and checkbook both had the same address on it. And I feel like I pretty much arrived because I paid utilities. For the past 20 years. If they ever dare to put a late fee on my utility bill, I am on the phone. Talk about, I have been a long-time customer and I don't know why you would do this, but will you take it off? And I'll be damned if a lot of times they won't take it off. Because I pay my bills now. You know, I'm not. I'm buying extracurricular stuff. And when I stopped smoking and came to the terror club, I was looking for a sponsor. And I overheard this woman sharing about a joke from the grapevine that, let me see if I can get this right now. The woman said, and this is... It was printed in the grapevine. I couldn't hardly believe it. I wish I could find that copy. But she said, when I take a drink, my panties fall down. I can relate to that. Because I had to have a drink. I had to be drunk to have any type of social interaction of that nature. But that woman told that joke, and I thought, well, that's the girl for me. She understands. Had a large body, long-term member of AA. Helen Moore was her name. And I'm certain she wouldn't mind me saying that. But she helped me, too. She helped me a lot. Becoming mature. Becoming mature. And someone to talk to and all. But as things happen in life, she came to an age where cardiac problems and all began to show on her. And she eventually had to move to Smyrna in a... A city. An assisted living facility because her health... She became impaired in her health and all. And I was just praying one night or saying affirmations or something. And it came to me that I should really try to be there for her. So I would, at least once a month, I would go to Smyrna and pick her up and bring her to a meeting. And I had her back. And she was here at Navajo. And I must say that I am proud of myself for doing that. I must... Sometimes it's for selfish reasons. Because we'd come into a meeting and y'all would say, Oh, thank you, Pamelia. Thank you for going by after Helen. My chest would just swell. And oh, what a good AA member I am, you know? Going after my... Going after my wife. Going after my wife. my sponsors but at least uh i can say to myself that i did try and i've learned to say that about my parents i don't want to have them pass away and uh and have me say to myself that uh well i wish i had seen more of mother well i wish i had seen more of dad i try to call my dad three times a week just to say hello and say how you doing and i learned to do that right here in these rooms someone told me suggested that i do that um i tell you life's pretty good for me right now i'll be coming up on number 30. big number 30 in september yes and uh uh sometimes i just can't hardly believe it seemed like i've still got two and a half years sober two i seem like i was two and a half years sober for five years seemed like time would never move and now look you know i just uh kept going to meetings uh i do go to meetings because i feel love here you know i love what my friend says quite often um about he heard something from someone talking about i can go to bed at night in a wonderful mood and wake up in the morning and my clothes don't fit right and nobody likes me i can relate to that i can go to bed feeling just great and wake up and just be scared to death go to bed now they don't right now but somehow manage to i'm being so lucky to go out from this school now that some children can just to go to them and catch their breath there's no chance for me then not just to wake up in the morning you walk to school i guess the pain the misery um some kind of hug with myself at play let you know that i'm feeling my life is so much better You hypocrites. Point my finger at them. I get sober, and I realize that they're the ones with the paid-off houses. They're the ones with the children and the paid-off cars, and their kids go to college. And, um, I've just realized so much since I've come to this program, and, you know, I like myself on most days. I like myself. Um, back to this, I'm going to wrap it up, but back to this speech impediment. I was just so upset because I have this speech impediment. Until I realized that... I can call up the banks, and they will give me my balance without my PIN number, because they recognize my voice, and I thought, well, gosh, well, maybe it ain't so bad, you know. I mostly have a lot of fun in the age. Sometimes I get so deep into myself. The... I could just scream, but I come to AA, and I hear the laughter, and I can laugh back at people, and, uh, I'm reminded that, um, this place really, this place has really changed my life. I'm pretty happy today. Thanks to y'all. Thank you. Thank you for that, Amelia. You just cracked me up. I love it. I love listening to you share, too. If that river keep a-risin', water's gonna overflow. If that river keep a-risin', water's gonna overflow. Just like that old river, it's time to go. The banks are...