Chapter Five Diagnosed a Soul Sickness That Eighteen Years of Jungian Analysis Couldn’t Name – Scott R.

Our main speaker tonight is Scott R.
My name is Scott Redman. I'm an alcoholic.
Hi everybody. I'd like to thank the Secretary for asking me to come talk tonight.
I'd like to thank my friends for coming with me, and I'd like to welcome the new people to Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's great to be here tonight. It's great to be here with my good friends.
I have so many people who are important to me in this room.
If you're new, I'd like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous and tell you that I have a great life today.
And if you're new, I'm sure that just thrills the hell out of you.
I'm sure it just really excites you that I'm having a good time,
because I know I was so happy for the people having a good time in AA when I got here,
and I was overjoyed for them.
They'd talk about the new house, you know, and the new car and the family,
and I'd sit in my seat and I'd think to myself, you know,
I'd think, you know, maybe you go home tonight and maybe your house will blow up.
Maybe you'll blow up. Maybe you'll blow up.
Then we'll see how spiritual you are next week.
So if you're new here, I'd like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous.
If you're bored, I'd like to tell you my favorite story about being bored in AA.
Happened to this guy named Jeff D. who used to go to my old home group,
and he was a couple weeks sober, and he was shifting around in his seat and his conscience said, what's the matter?
And he said,
I'm bored.
And his sponsor said, well, you know why you're bored.
And Jeff said, no.
And his sponsor said, you're bored because you're boring.
That's why you're bored.
And it was like an acid moment for him.
You know, he went, wow, wow.
What a cool thing to say to a newcomer, you know.
He could hardly wait until a newcomer told him that they were bored.
Thirteen years later, Jeff was thirteen years sober.
No newcomer had ever told him.
He said that they were bored.
And he was at a meeting, there was a young lady there who was new,
and she was shifting around in her seat, and he said, uh, what's the matter?
And she said, I'm bored.
Jeff said, well, you know why you're bored.
She said, yeah, because I'm with you.
Oh, it can get cold in Alcoholics Anonymous, folks.
If you're new and you don't have alcoholism, I'd like to welcome you here.
If you're a drug addict, I'd like to welcome you to AA.
If you're a dope fiend, which is somehow worse than any of us,
I would like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous and suggest that you catch alcoholism.
Catch it.
You can have anything you want, but in addition to it, catch alcoholism.
We have a book about recovering from alcoholism.
If you don't catch it, you die from it, and if you catch it, you get better.
Very, very bizarre disease.
I did not have alcoholism when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.
It took me a while to catch it, and one of the reasons I love to talk to this meeting,
talk at this meeting, is it's in a synagogue, and I get to park in a space reserved for the rabbi,
which is the personal best for me, I'll tell you.
And I could not have possibly been alcoholic.
I was Jewish.
I was Jewish.
I did not drink, because it might dull the pain.
You do not want to squander any agony opportunity that presents itself.
In addition to being Jewish, I could not possibly be alcoholic.
I had been in psychotherapy for 18 years by the time I got here.
I was going to be dead, but I was going to understand it.
And in addition to that, I was not alcoholic.
I was a very complicated, dark, adventurous artist, but I was not alcoholic.
I was not an alcoholic.
I was like an artistic Jewish patient or something.
So if you're not alcoholic, I'd like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous
and tell you I caught alcoholism at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
We'd love to give it to you, all right?
But if you don't catch it, it can be a serious problem.
And if you're new here,
I'm like the other speakers you've heard tonight.
It's very important for me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings
where alcoholism is being discussed by alcoholics.
And if you're new here, you might want to read that book
because it might clear up a lot of the meetings you go to.
Because after you read that book, and if you read it with some people
who actually have a functioning knowledge of it,
you can actually start going to meetings and hear people talk and say,
oh, he's talking about Alcoholics Anonymous.
He's not talking about Alcoholics Anonymous.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Because you can actually go to an AA meeting
and not even hear a passing reference to God's big book of the steps.
You can go to an AA meeting and just hear about issues and boundaries.
That's fine. I'm not putting that down, but I'll tell you something.
You have got to not drink to have an issue or a boundary.
And if you don't drink, you'll have one.
I guarantee you.
You want to get in touch with your feelings?
Stay sober. They'll get in touch with you.
I guarantee it.
I was brought up in the Bronx to a completely insane family.
My family was completely out of their mind.
Did someone have a leak in their head?
What the hell is going on over there?
Completely out of their mind.
My wife never believed me about my family until she met him.
And my mom threw it in.
She had an engagement party for us,
and my aunt came and wore her wig backwards,
and it had a bun on it.
And, uh...
These are my people.
I wish I was lying about this.
I had an uncle who was one of the top ten welterweights in the world during the 1930s.
His name was Izzy Redmond.
He was fighting in Atlanta, Georgia in 1939.
He was nervous about anti-Semitism
and wanted his name changed to Izzy Goldberg.
So, no one would know he was Jewish.
If you're new here, all I have is good news.
My family did not have one single solitary thing to do with making me an alcoholic.
If they had, I could go to psychotherapy,
I could work out my family problems,
and drink properly.
But if alcoholism is a three-fold illness,
if it's a bizarre physical reaction to alcohol that makes it virtually impossible
for me to control it,
and enjoy,
to stop once I start,
and this weird physical reaction is mixed with some...
some fascinating thinking.
And you'll hear about it at the meetings.
You'll hear it referred to as alcoholic thinking,
and it's fabulous stuff, folks.
It's...
The alcoholic mind is like a perfectly tuned exact clock
that keeps the most precise time in the universe for one minute,
and then skips a century.
When it works, it is...
extraordinary.
And when it doesn't, it leaves gaps large enough to move an entire culture through.
And when this weird thinking is mixed with this physical reaction,
it creates kind of a sickness of the soul,
this kind of cancer of the soul,
because I start rearranging my life to accommodate a walk to a drink
that I keep promising myself I'm not going to take,
and as wives, and children, and dreams, and...
and all this other stuff is placed in between me and the drink,
and they either have to disappear or become papier-mâché,
less than real,
because I've got to get to the drink.
It creates this...
this bizarre cancer of the soul.
And if you're new here,
and a certain kind of thinking has become established in you,
and you're someone with alcoholic tendencies,
you're probably beyond human help.
Always good news for the new man.
If you're anything like me,
and you're new here tonight,
you are looking around this room right now,
and you are saying to yourself,
Alcoholics Anonymous.
How did I wind up in Alcoholics Anonymous?
How lame is this?
This is beyond lame.
This is beyond church, beyond synagogue.
This is some plateau of lameness I never even imagined was available to me.
Alcoholics Anonymous.
Welcome.
So I grew up in this insane family,
and I was put in therapy at a very early age
because I had some really bad stuff happen to me.
I was asked to leave a couple of educational institutions,
and I sold heroin to a New York City policeman,
and some really bad stuff started happening to me,
because what started happening as a result of the therapy
is I thought that this self-knowledge was going to get me out of this horrible alcoholic dilemma.
And in conjunction with that,
what I started to do was I drank until I didn't want to be a drunk,
I overcame my alcohol problem with marijuana,
and I like to welcome all the pot smokers here tonight.
You remember WOW, right?
Wow.
Wow.
And right after WOW usually came...
What?
What?
Wow, what, wow, what, wow, what?
Watching a pot smoker is like watching a dog try to run on linoleum, you know?
There's like a lot of activity, but no movement.
There's a lot of stuff going on there, man.
I triumphed over marijuana with pills,
I was victorious over pills with cocaine,
I triumphed over cocaine with heroin,
and then drank until I didn't want to be a drunk,
and I managed not to catch alcoholism until I was 33 years old.
By the time I got here, I was almost dead from it.
And my dad, who was a beautiful, sweet, kind, generous man,
had a massive stroke.
I was in my early 20s,
and I had shot some heroin,
and I showed up and just couldn't be there for him the night that he died.
You know, I just couldn't answer the bell.
I didn't plan it that way.
That's just the way it wound up.
And I knew what my problem was.
My problem was shooting heroin,
and I swore I would never, ever do it again, and I didn't.
And shortly after my dad was gone,
I met a remarkable, beautiful, intelligent woman.
She was exotic.
She was from Detroit.
And...
And to me, that was exotic.
I was a Bronx boy,
and I had never gotten out of the city, you know?
And I was acting in a Broadway play,
and she was an usherette in the theater,
and it was very romantic,
and we had great plans and great dreams,
and we didn't know we had alcoholism, you know?
And she became very sick from prolonged exposure to me.
And Nancy became so sick.
At one point, she came into the house,
and I had an idea to cook something,
and I died in the middle of it.
She came in, and I was blue,
and I had a pan of eggs on my chest,
and the stove was on,
and there was an empty vial of pills on the floor,
and she tapped me with her foot,
and she said,
How are you?
And I looked up at her, and I said,
I am really tired.
And she called a doctor and described the scene to her,
and the doctor said,
Why are you calling me?
Why aren't you calling the paramedics?
What are you doing?
You know, there's a blue Jew on the floor of the kitchen.
What are you...
Why are you calling me?
So she hung the phone up
and called another doctor for a second opinion.
We had two kids who became grievously sick from alcoholism.
By the time I got sober,
our oldest son was seven.
He was making involuntary clicking noises with his throat
that he couldn't stop making.
He couldn't stop grinding his teeth.
He was reading and writing years below his grade level.
At the age of five, he had walked up to me one afternoon,
and he said,
Dad, is there anything such as God?
And I looked at my perfect five-year-old baby,
and I said, no.
No, there isn't.
And I thought I was giving him a break.
I thought I was saving him a lot of time and trouble.
I thought I was giving him the real dope.
I didn't want him to get played as like a sap or a sucker
like the people out there.
And when Michael was born,
there were a ton of people around,
family, friends, phone calls, flowers.
And when Jesse was born two years and nine months later,
there was no one at the hospital,
no flowers, no phone calls.
And it's not because people didn't love us.
It just hurt too much to be around us.
And my father was lost to me.
I couldn't talk about him.
I couldn't look at pictures of him.
I couldn't walk into a hospital.
I couldn't hear the sound of a heart machine,
because all that happened was that horrible night
kept coming up for me again and again,
and the fact that I had failed my father utterly.
And on April 22, 1985,
I put a needle in my arm again after 13 years,
and I called my therapist of record,
my first Jungian therapist.
And I told him what I had done,
and he said to me that morning,
there's absolutely nothing that can be done for you.
And I said, what?
He said, I can't help you out.
The only thing I can suggest is you go to
Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous,
or we have you institutionalized.
On most other mornings,
I would have gladly chosen the institution.
That would have been fine with me, man.
I'd been with my people,
adventurous, colorful people, my folk.
Why I went to that AA meeting,
I do not know.
I went to that AA meeting,
I looked around,
and I could not believe it.
Everything was a miracle.
The furniture was a miracle.
The coffee was a miracle.
Miracle, miracle, miracle.
I mean, I couldn't...
And they get right up in your face
and talk that unsolicited AA crap to you, you know?
Usually a guy with one tooth with a cavity in it, right?
With a belt buckle large enough
to serve a whole fish.
Do I want what you've got?
No!
No, but thanks for spitting on me!
I couldn't believe it.
I'm a major guy,
and I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I'm waiting for them to start the Jew hunt, right?
I'm ready for that.
And I stuck around and I don't know why.
The only thing I can kind of figure
is that I was out of plans.
And if you're new here,
I pray for you that you are out of plans.
If you're new and you have a plan,
it's probably abuse.
Don't use your plan.
Grab one of us after the meeting.
Tell us your plan.
We want to know the plan.
I stuck around here for six months
and enjoyed the gift of step none.
You know the gift of step none?
Nothing!
And I'd seen the AA drill hundreds of times
in just six months.
I just had been here six months
and I saw it hundreds of times.
People come in, do the work, change.
People come in, don't do the work, don't change,
get sick, get sicker, get to the podium,
share their gift with us,
and then share their way right out of the door.
And I'd seen it literally hundreds of times.
And what had happened was
my wife had reached out to the Al-Anon family group
and she had started to change.
And our sons had stopped being
quite so scared all the time.
And I knew I was going to drink.
I'd just seen the evidence around me too much.
And I...
And I...
AA was rearing its head in my house to spite me
and I asked the guy to sponsor me.
And he made sure I had done some reading
from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He got me over to his apartment
and he read chapter five to me
and he took me through the first two steps
and we got up to step three
and got on our knees
and made a decision together and prayed.
And then he finished chapter five
and he went back and he gave me instructions
on how to do a fourth step
from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I signed up.
And it took me three months
to do my inventory.
And if you're new here,
I just want to tell you that
if you want to read about the soul sickness,
the anatomy of it is described
in the fifth chapter of our book.
That this thing that happens to you,
that places you beyond medical or psychological health
is a resentment, fears, and sexual problem.
And if you're new, I'm sure it just thrills you
that you're going to get to do a sexual inventory.
And you hear sometimes people say
that they mostly resented that.
And I know that that's true for them
and I know it's absolutely not true for me.
I hated myself,
but nothing compared to how much I hated you.
I hated you so much more than I hated me,
it's difficult to describe it.
I'm not a suicide person.
I'm a homicide person.
I vastly prefer your death to mine.
I always have.
And I'm not knocking the suicide people.
This is not a put down.
I had a lot of work to do.
And I did my inventory,
came back to my sponsor,
nine months of sobriety.
I read it to them,
did step six and seven for the first time,
and it came time to do my eight step list.
I had to put my dad and my wife and my kids down there.
I didn't know what I was going to do.
My dad was dead
and I knew I couldn't go to the grave
or write them a letter.
I knew that that wouldn't work for me
and I know it works for other people
and please don't take my program
as an indictment of yours.
But I've been asked to talk tonight
about living joyously with the 12 steps
because that's what's happening to me.
And I knew for me that that wouldn't work
because I had imagined I was being followed around
by a camera crew my entire life
and for me that would have been
one more self-indulgent dramatic moment.
And I sponsored plenty of guys who go do that
and it works for them
but I didn't know what I was going to do.
And what my sponsor suggested
was that I do my job in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Let's see what I was going to do.
I'll make amends to the kids.
I'll sit down and I'll say,
boys, sorry you've had no life.
I'll sit down with Nancy and say,
sweetheart, I'm so sorry about this
eight-year trip to Hades.
I just start doing a lot of lame stuff.
I just start going to like flag football games, you know.
I had to start coaching Little League.
You know, when I first went,
my first Little League game I went to,
my wife shows up at the game
and takes one look over at,
there's the first base stands,
there's the people,
and there's me alone in the sun,
pissed off, right?
Out of my mind.
Going up and down two hat sizes.
Nuts in the sun, you know.
The kids were thrilled to see me, you know.
Mr. Redmond's going to blow up,
I'm telling you, man.
And it took me a couple of years
until the voices diminished in volume and number
for me to go and just sit with the people.
Just be with the people on the first baseline.
A couple of weeks ago,
my kid had a music recital
and I went into his school
and I sat in the auditorium
and I just, I looked around,
I almost started crying.
I'm just in the auditorium with the people,
you know, I mean.
And if you're new here
and when your head hits the pillow
and it becomes a rotisserie,
you're probably having a hard time doing that,
just being with the people.
Other than these people.
And the payoff for me,
you know, you guys told me I wasn't bad getting good.
You said I was sick getting well
and I believed you.
But the fact is,
I might not have been a bad guy,
but I did an incredibly good imitation of one.
And I felt like a bad guy
and I'll tell you why,
because I acted like one just about all the time.
And what happened,
because these are the guys and women
who I hung around with in Alcoholics Anonymous,
I started mimicking them
and I started doing good things.
And I started feeling like a good guy
because I was doing good things.
And down the line,
many little league games later,
a couple of years ago,
my sweet son Jesse,
my younger son,
received a great compliment.
He was intentionally walked.
And if you're not a fan,
that means they're scared of you.
They want to put you on base and stuff.
And he didn't want to be a geek
and jump up and down and scream and yell.
He just put his bat down
and he trotted up the first base line
and on the way up the first base line,
he turned and he just shot me a little stuff.
I was in the first base stands where I am
and he just hit me like that.
That much.
You don't want to do it too much.
It's the old man.
You don't want to be too lame.
Just give him a little hit.
Keep him coming back.
And I could have missed the whole thing.
I could have missed the whole thing.
And if you're new here,
again, I'm sure you're thrilled for Jesse and I.
Just another warm snuggly moment
you'll be taking to bed with you tonight
as the devil descends from your ceiling.
What a bunch of sadists, huh?
Unbelievable.
And my oldest son, Micah,
who had become so grievously ill,
he's just great.
He's just a great guy.
And Alcoholics Anonymous has smothered this kid
and this is a kid who was all alone.
You know, he's the kid who I told you
got so grievously sick
from being scared all the time.
All the time.
A couple of...
About a year ago,
my youngest son had broken his wrist
and my oldest son had messed with him
and it was a bad thing.
It was in a growth plane
and dangerous stuff, you know,
and I got right up in Micah's face
and I chewed him out because it was unacceptable.
It could not happen again.
And I got right up here and I yelled at him
and he walked away from me
and he went into his room
and he slammed the door.
So I went to the room
and I opened the door
and I went like this
and before I could say anything,
he said,
hold it.
I didn't tell you you were wrong out there.
You were right.
But a big guy just got in my face
and screamed and yelled at me.
Don't tell me I can't be mad.
What's that?
What is that?
That's Alcoholics Anonymous.
That's freedom from fear.
That's freedom from the bondage itself.
That's what's happened in our home.
Nancy and I have stopped working on our marriage.
My idea of working on a relationship
is to talk to you until you change your mind.
Man, that sexual inventory on page 69,
when I started applying that to my marriage,
where have I been selfish, dishonest and considerate,
unjustifiably aroused jealousy, suspicion and bitterness,
unbelievable stuff started happening.
Where was I dishonest?
You might think a grown man should live in a clean house, right?
That would be a grown up thing to do,
but I'm not cleaning the house
to live in a clean house like a grown man.
I think in the back of my head
that a certain amount of housework
should equal a certain amount of sex.
That there should be like conversion tables
on the back of cleaning products
of housework to sex.
I had to start cleaning the house
to live in a clean house
and I don't want to do that.
I don't know how to do that.
I'm a snot-slinging drunk.
I don't know how to do that.
So I say,
Father, I'm cleaning for you.
You talk lame.
And I do it for God.
I clean the house for God.
Not for why I used to clean the house.
If you're new here,
I want to welcome you to AA.
I want to tell you that I think
you're in a very dangerous situation.
We're going to ask you not to drink
and we're going to tell you
you do not have the thing necessary to stay sober,
but please don't drink until you have it.
Some years ago,
I was on the phone with a guy
I had met in a meeting
and he called me when he got home.
He had two weeks of sobriety
and he talked to me for one hour.
I said, uh-huh, four times,
so he'd know I was not dead.
And during this hour,
he explained to me
that he had been stalking several women.
He had restraining orders taken out against him.
But it's all different now.
He's two weeks sober.
And at the end of the hour,
he said, I feel so all alone.
I said, well, I hardly even know you
and I just listened to you for an hour
without interrupting.
What do you mean you feel alone?
He said, I mean, I don't have a woman.
And I said, well,
what exactly would you be bringing
to a relationship right now?
Besides stalking skills.
What are you bringing to the party, pal?
People two weeks into remission from cancer
are not having dating problems.
But alcoholic stalkers,
they don't have alcoholism yet.
You know, sometimes people say youth is wasted on the young
and sometimes the knowledge of alcoholism
seems to be wasted on people who need it the most.
You know, if you're new here,
I want to urge you.
I want to urge you to stick around long enough.
Is my mother here?
I want to urge you to stick around long enough
to get a diagnosis.
Just stick around long enough
to find out if you have alcoholism.
And I guarantee you,
you'll find the Alcoholics Anonymous
that's perfect for you.
I was talking to this newcomer on the phone
a couple of years ago
and my wife walked through our room
and all she heard me say on the phone was,
let's say the aliens are coming.
She stopped short.
She ain't missing any of this.
I said, that's an outside issue.
I'm not telling you the aliens aren't coming.
I have one question for you.
Why are they coming for you?
You have no life.
You're 11 and a half minutes sober.
Why haven't they traversed the universe
for your sorry ass?
Plus, he's sleeping with the Bible on his chest
to ward them off.
So they're going to traverse an entire galaxy,
walk in his room and go,
oh no, the Bible lets go home.
If you're new here and the aliens are coming for you,
welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Welcome home.
Thanks for having me down, folks.
The format of this meeting is two 10-minute speakers,
a coffee break, and a main speaker.
Tonight, our first 10-minute speaker is John L.
Hi, my name is John Licky and I'm an alcoholic.
Before I get started with my totally pathetic story
and self-obsessed story,
I'd like to thank Judy for asking me to speak.
I had to fill in for Frank Jones last Friday night
and I was so upset.
I was so upset.
Before I started my talk,
I told them they were lucky to have me there.
I was much more well-balanced than Frank,
even though he has more time than me.
Then I proceeded to tell them
about how I got in a fistfight in Bank of America
at 10 years of sobriety.
So, you know, I'm 11 years sober.
And...
And, you know, I love it here in the Pacific Group.
I've been warned repeatedly about the Pacific Group
and I was actually going to Pacific Group meetings.
I didn't even know what...
But I liked what was being done here.
People were paying attention.
Everybody sat down and shut their mouths
and paid attention to what was going on.
And I'd like to thank Clancy, my sponsor,
for forming this group.
You know, the message seems to be getting lost a little bit, you know.
This is the last house on the block for a lot of us, you know.
And if it's a little too oppressive here
and you can't respect our traditions we have here,
you know, there's plenty of other meetings where
you can go outside and talk during the birthdays
and BS and walk around and get coffee, you know.
But I love it here and I've thrived here, you know.
I haven't got everything I want,
but I've got everything I need
and I think we can all say that tonight, you know.
We're sober.
And it's a great way of life, you know.
And I had doubts about what was really going on here.
When I got here, I couldn't figure out what was going on, you know.
I didn't know if the guys were taking the shorts or what, you know.
I didn't want anybody hugging or kissing me, that was for sure.
And I stayed away from them.
Spoked up with Jill and Andy
and they drugged me around long enough
until I finally got this thing, you know.
Because there's always an angle to me to everything in life, you know.
I was baptized a Catholic.
I went to Catholic school
and my stepfather was an alcoholic.
I'd see him cry in church
and come home and get drunk
and beat my mother.
You know, and I just didn't trust anybody or anything, you know.
And so I figured I'd be an angle to what was going on here
and I don't know when I heard it or what I heard
but when I realized this thing worked, I couldn't get enough of it, you know.
And like I said, I love being sober
and it's a great way of life, you know.
So, you know, welcome to you all.
It's a great way of life.
You know, I was born and raised here in Southern California.
I was born in 1948.
I'm 47 years old.
I'm getting up there, you know.
And most sobriety anybody had in 1948 was 13 years of sobriety.
So it's a very...
And mankind's existence is a very short time of sobriety
we've had here on the face of the earth.
And, you know, it's a very precious thing we have here, you know.
Because if alcohol is your problem, then quit drinking.
That's what I did.
I didn't drink for a year.
And, you know, for the first three months,
it was great, you know, because I started running again.
I lost all that bloat.
I started wearing clothes I hadn't worn in a long time.
Because, you know, I boxed for five years.
And when I quit boxing, I blew right up.
I went from a middleweight to a heavyweight in a heartbeat.
You know, I was just this fat, bloated pig
and I started losing all this weight, you know.
And I started trying to expand my business
and took all these Yellow Page ads
and bought this beautiful golden retriever.
And, you know, I just thought I was going to work, you know,
and it didn't work, you know.
And my life just became a living nightmare, you know,
because I'm an alcoholic.
And without alcohol or AA meetings, you know, I'm crazy.
And, you know, I was an absolute wreck by the time I pulled in here, you know.
And the only thing that kept me coming back,
there was girls to stare at and cookies to eat.
That was it.
There was nothing else that kept me coming back, you know.
But they say it's a program of attraction,
so I kept coming back, you know.
And anyway, so like I was saying,
you know, I was born here in Santa Monica in 1948.
And, you know, I was a super underachiever growing up.
I never excelled at anything.
Trying to divide my life up into a couple of different areas,
a couple of different stages,
and one through 26 where I accomplished absolutely nothing,
except for getting arrested 12 times
and wrecking three cars going down the same street.
And I had my doubts about being an alcoholic, you know,
when I got here.
And when I started boxing, I was 26, you know,
and I found out about conditioning and competition and pride.
And, you know, I trained down at the gym on 7th and Hoover.
I was about the only white boy down there.
I loved it, you know.
That gym was named the War Zone.
And the baddest cats in the world were down at that gym, man.
I loved it.
I absolutely loved it.
I loved everything about it.
The history, the competition, being alone out there.
Because when that bell rings,
you're in the loneliest place in the world,
and you're alone.
And, you know, three-time champion,
Diamond Belt, AU, and Golden Glove champion.
And my last fight was at the Olympics.
You know, I've been partying, having fun with my nasty girlfriend,
and you're not supposed to do that stuff.
And it all caught up with me, and Tony sort of banged me out
in 54 seconds of the first round.
I screamed at the referee when he stopped the fight.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm stopping the fight, John.
I don't want you getting hurt.
Found out two days later, I was down twice.
And as sick as it sounds, it made me feel better, you know?
And I'll tell you something about our alcoholic thinking.
When I won the Golden Glove, you know,
I was so sick with fear the day of the fight,
I had to go to the doctor.
I was sick to my stomach with fear.
I was fighting this guy, a defected from the Yugoslavian boxing team.
He had 107 fights.
I was having my 12th fight.
I was sick to my stomach with fear.
I had to go to the doctor.
I knocked him out in the second round, got best fighter of the tournament award.
I was walking on air for three days.
And after three days, you know, my head tells me,
you know, that guy was a bum.
You're a bum.
And then, you know, like when Tony sort of banged me out at the Olympics,
you know, my head tells me,
you took the easy way out.
You're a coward.
And, you know, going down twice and getting ripped apart against the ropes
is taking the easy way out.
I want to see the hard way out, you know.
But that's our thinking, you know.
And if you stick around, you see we have all these common little traits that we share, you know.
And I think that's maybe where I started identifying as being an alcoholic, you know.
And, you know, I swore up and down I'd never go down to that gym
before I quit boxing.
I'm down at that gym and I'm drinking.
And I'm just this fat, bloated pig.
And I don't know what's wrong with my life.
And I'm crying all the time.
I just don't know what's wrong, you know.
And, you know, I'm down at that gym and I'm drinking.
And I'm politely told to take it outside, John.
And I just don't know what's wrong, you know.
And I started seeing a therapist.
And I begged him to put me on anabuse.
He thought we could drink.
And he suggested AA meetings.
And I told him I'm not that bad.
And, you know, one of my friends I grew up with, he drove by one day.
And I was working and he came up to me and gave me something to drink, a Pepsi,
and started talking AA to me.
And he was on that pink cloud that we all get when we first get here, you know.
And I told him I don't need AA because I'm not drinking.
I didn't know anything about white knuckling, because that's what I was doing.
And, you know, he got me to go to AA meetings, you know.
And, you know, I made it and he didn't.
And Marvin just got out of jail.
He did about a year for nude conduct with a child, his brother's daughter.
And I don't know where his alcohol is taking him, but I'm here, you know.
And, like I said, I love it, you know.
And I just don't know what I'd do without Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know, I've been through all those things.
I had conditions on my sobriety when I got here.
And I've been through them all.
I got married, got divorced.
My beautiful golden retriever got sick with cancer and died.
And, you know, I cried myself to sleep for a week after that, you know.
And, you know, right around last Thanksgiving I fell in love with this little Vietnamese girl.
We'd been going out for a while.
We'd been working out, you know.
I've never been crazier in sobriety.
I've never been restless, irritable, discontent, and bored at the same time.
And I was.
And, you know, I didn't want to go to AA meetings.
My whole world was turned upside down, you know.
And I didn't want to come, you know.
But I've seen what happens to people that don't come back, you know.
And my wife's one of them.
She had ten and a half years of sobriety.
And her education got a little too important.
And she quit going to meetings.
And she ended up going out.
And she's been out there for eight years.
And I'd like to thank you all.
God bless you all.
Our second ten minute speaker is Brenda W.
I'm Brenda Watson and I'm an alcoholic and I want to thank Judy for asking me to share tonight.
It's a privilege because it gives me an opportunity to take a look at what I used to be like, you know.
I get a little bit comfortable in being sober and being in this group
because the quality of my life is so much different than it used to be.
So I tend to forget how, what a bad drunk I was.
And the last, let's see, I had a baby about three months ago
and right before that I was in bed rest so I didn't make as many meetings as I'm used to making.
And I just started to get back into the swing of things about a month ago.
A little bit before that, right around my class banquet.
And the last few weeks I've been going to a lot of meetings.
A lot of meetings.
I've been going to a lot of meetings around my area.
I haven't been going to a lot of Pacific Group meetings.
Let's get into that.
But, you know, but I don't want that to stop me from going to meetings.
The fact that I can't make it to Pacific Group meetings, you know.
And I think that's really important.
And I'm here to tell you that Alcoholics On Armour exists everywhere.
And it's, it's allowed me to appreciate what we have here.
I mean, I tell you, we have to do this every once in a while.
Get out there.
And take a look at what we have here.
What this means to our life.
And a lot of them are very good.
Excellent.
But I'll tell you a little bit about what happened.
I'm a real alcoholic.
I love to drink.
And I love to party.
Heavy duty.
You know.
I mean, I was not a little.
We were talking with a guy the other day.
And I was not a little cocktail drinker.
You know.
He asked me, what was the longest time you ever drank?
And I thought, well, it was about a month.
You know.
I didn't think.
He was talking about, like, hours.
You know.
And I thought, well, it was about a month.
You know.
I didn't think.
He was talking about, like, hours.
You know.
And I said, a month.
And he goes, that's not normal.
And I said, no.
No.
No kidding.
And, you know.
I mean, I wasn't drunk the whole month.
You know.
I was.
You know.
I can't possibly.
The way I drink.
You can't possibly go 24 hours drinking like that.
You know.
I drink tequila.
You know.
To kill you.
And I like to get to the point where I hallucinate.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
And that, to me, is being in the same frame of mind as you.
You know.
Or so I think.
But anyway, I went to a meeting not too long ago.
A couple of weeks ago.
I went to this meeting.
And I sat there.
And I was in such need of an alcoholic from all these meetings.
And I walked in.
And this girl got up.
And she started her talk.
And she started talking about drugs.
You know.
And I took a lot of drugs.
I took a lot of drugs.
Don't get me wrong.
But.
But I was.
But I was really.
You know.
Alcohol was really my favorite thing.
It just.
I felt.
I felt like I had control over it.
You know.
I felt like I could do anything.
I mean.
I drove 2,000 times before I ever got arrested.
You know.
So I worked.
I did everything under the influence of alcohol.
And really, when I smoked pot, I stared at a trash bag for three hours.
You know.
That was.
That was just not my thing.
You know.
And.
And I did a lot of coke.
Just because every time.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
You know.
I did a lot of coke.
Just because everybody gave it for free.
You know.
So.
I wasn't about to buy it.
But.
Anyway.
This girl started to talk a lot about drugs.
And 20 minutes into her talk.
I said.
This is not Alcoholics Anonymous.
This is not Alcoholics Anonymous.
And it was a big meeting.
All women.
And I was sitting way in the back.
And I thought.
I have to get up.
I have to get the courage to get up.
There was another AA meeting around the corner.
I have to get up.
But.
You know.
My mind.
Was talking.
John was talking about.
You know.
What it was like.
You know.
You know.
Talking about.
You know.
What goes on in our head.
And our bodies.
Reacting in a different way.
But finally.
I just got up.
And I got out of there.
And I went to this other meeting.
And I walked in.
And this woman.
Was talking about.
She had 18 years of sobriety.
And she was talking about the 10th step.
And it was exactly what I needed.
I needed to hear.
Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know.
I needed to.
I needed that identification.
Of one drunk talking to another.
You know.
And I felt in that room.
And I felt like.
So.
I said.
I felt such a euphoria.
That.
You know.
It's almost like the same high.
That I used to get.
From drinking.
You know.
I felt so good.
To be at a place.
Where.
They were talking about.
My illness.
My particular illness.
Which is.
Alcoholism.
You know.
I.
Like I said.
I had been sober.
A little over nine years.
And.
You know.
I drank for as long as I could.
I drank in.
I had my first drunk.
When I was 15.
And.
I came to the United States.
When I was 17.
And.
You know.
I drank.
And.
I drank for.
Like.
10 years.
You know.
In Hollywood.
And.
Hollywood.
My.
Was my stumping grounds.
And.
I didn't know.
Where.
I fit in.
I.
I thought I was a little bit crazy.
Because I was always hanging around.
Some really strange people.
And.
I never knew.
That there was a name.
For my illness.
You know.
When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous.
And somebody.
Talked about alcoholism.
It hit me like a big brick.
It was like.
No.
Finally.
Somebody.
Somebody told me.
What was wrong with me.
You know.
And.
I know that.
Some.
You know.
50 years ago.
60 years ago.
There was no name for this disease.
So if there was.
There was no solution for it.
And I have found it.
Here in this room.
You know.
And.
I.
I talked to a couple of people tonight.
Who are new to this group.
Some who have been sober for a long time.
And.
Some who are brand new.
And.
One of them made a comment.
About the fact.
That they didn't like the.
You know.
The rules.
That the Pacific.
Group has.
You know.
And.
I told her.
You know.
That in the big book.
It talks about.
Content prior to.
Investigation.
And.
I heard a lot of stuff.
About the Pacific group.
But the one thing.
That I respect the most.
Is the fact that.
You do talk about.
Alcoholics Anonymous.
You do practice.
The program.
Of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Like it's laid out.
In the big book.
For the most part.
And.
And.
You respect the traditions.
Of.
You know.
Alcoholics Anonymous.
And.
That is not so.
Like John said.
You know.
And a lot of meetings.
People are getting up.
And talking.
And just not.
They don't have.
A common welfare.
In mind.
You know.
And in this group.
I can say that.
That is so.
You know.
That we have.
I tell you.
We can.
Dislike you here.
But if you're in trouble.
We'll help you.
I mean.
I've been helped.
By people.
Who I know.
Don't like me.
You know.
And.
Some people.
You know.
Some people were calling me.
On the phone.
And I was like.
Who are you?
You know.
I never.
And they were calling me.
And really concerned.
About my health.
Or.
Or they were trying.
To get out of themselves.
Who knows.
You know.
But the point is.
That they called me.
And they cared about me.
And they.
You know.
They tried to ask me.
About how I was doing.
So.
I'm forever grateful.
That.
I have stayed.
All this time here.
Because it isn't about.
Drinking.
When I came into.
Alcoholics Anonymous.
Through.
A DUI.
You know.
Because that's how.
I got introduced.
To Alcoholics Anonymous.
Is through a court court.
And.
I didn't think.
I belong here.
You know.
Being forced.
Into Alcoholics Anonymous.
And then.
Finding that.
I'm going to find.
A quality of life.
You know.
Beyond my wildest dreams.
In the Pacific group.
It's a whole different.
Ball game.
And I.
I urge you.
To stay here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You'll find her wandering.
The halls.
After the meeting.
We celebrate.
Birthdays.
In Alcoholics Anonymous.
And around here.
A birthday is.
365 days.
All in a row.
Free from.
Alcohol.
Marijuana.
Any of the items.
That.
That Scott mentioned.
Um.
Definitely.
Any of the items.
Scott mentioned.
Or anything else.
That might affect you.
before the meeting and then we'll sign up with renee tonight we have a lot of birthdays as is
our custom here to sing briskly and speak uh briefly again we're going to do what we did last
week which is sing brisklier and speak brieflier and please don't talk to me about it i know they're
not words just be quick our first birthday is for one year for jim g have jim gregory and i'm an
alcoholic i'd like to thank tim my sponsor i'd like to thank all my a or brother a brothers and
i'd like to thank all of you in this room tonight thank you very much
happy birthday jim we have another one year birthday for dino h
my name is dino and i'm an alcoholic i'd like to thank god first i'd like to thank don
for this one year sponsorship i could thank clancy frank jones don newcomb and the men they sponsor
and just real quick i'd like to i see there's a lot of people
here from the log cabin i'd like to thank them they put up put up with me for eight
eight years and uh thank you all
happy birthday do you know we have another one year birthday for shannon d
hi everyone my name is shannon i'm an alcoholic i'd like to thank my sponsor karen i'd like to
thank brenda watson for her previous sponsorship i'd like to thank my husband i'd like to thank god
alcoholic phenomenist and pacific group thank you
happy birthday shannon we have a two-year birthday for jennifer s
hi i'm jennifer i'm an alcoholic i'd like to thank god my beautiful sponsor renny
my previous sponsors rita g and heather m my a sisters clancy clancy and charlotte for the yard
pacific groups um women's softball team pacific group all of you
happy birthday jennifer we have another 2-year birthday for ashley b happy birthday
i'm ashley i'm an alcoholic i'd like to thank andy for giving me my cake
millie and andy for sponsoring me this year john c and all of you
happy birthday ashley we have a three-year birthday for sheree w
hi my name is thierry and i'm an alcoholic i'd like to thank god chuck i also want to pay honor
of my first sponsor um brett h who passed away with 30 years sobriety from my hometown liberty
alabama um and all of you thank you happy birthday cherie we have a four-year birthday for bethina d
have an alcoholic i want to thank judy for allowing me to take a cake here i want to
thank my sponsor karen i want to thank lisa and all of you and clancy
happy birthday bethina we have another four-year birthday for bob t
hi my name is rob trussell and i'm an alcoholic i want to thank tim for giving me that cake in
three and a half years a great sponsorship uh bob fuga for my first six months and my foundation
classes for the structure pacific group and all you
lets do is say piecemtips crap happy birthday guys happy birthday molly
play with you
happy birthday bob we have a five-year birthday for sally s
hi i'm sally summer's alcoholic
and i'd like to thank my higher power my clancy my wonderful sponsor kate
and all of you out there with whom i could not have done it thank you
Shannon Sullivan, I'm an alcoholic.
I'd like to thank God, Rita, Clancy, Pacific Group, and all of you.
Thank you.
Happy birthday, Shannon.
We have another eight-year birthday for Susan D.
Hi, my name is Susan Dobson, and I'm an alcoholic.
And I'd like to thank Mary, my sponsor,
for another year of sponsorship and patience and love and guidance and support.
It was a big year.
And, Clancy, I'd like to thank you for your loving support and your kindness to me and my family.
And living in Santa Barbara, I really want to thank you for the structure of the group.
And a special thank you to my husband, Kevin, the girls I sponsor.
And I witnessed a miracle last night.
I was at my daughter's watch.
Happy birthday, Mariah.
Thank you all.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Susan.
We have a 10-year birthday for Jeffrey E.
My name is Jeffrey Everett.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'd like to thank God for my sobriety.
I'd like to thank Clancy for the best sponsorship I could have.
And I'd like to thank my mother for bringing me into AA.
Thank my family, like my dad, for understanding these last few years.
I'd like to thank all my past previous roommates for giving me experience these last three years.
And all of you for sticking beside me.
And all of you for being beside my side for the last 10 years.
Thanks.
Happy birthday, Jeffrey.
We have another 10-year birthday for Kevin A.
Happy birthday.
Hi, I'm Kevin.
I'm an alcoholic.
I want to thank my higher power, Ray T., Robert C., Richard W., Class of 86, and all of you.
Happy birthday, Kevin.
We have an 11-year birthday for Teresa.
I am happy to be a part of your family.
My name is Teresa Munoz, and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic.
I want to thank Pat H. for giving me that cake for six and a half years of sponsorship and for her care and support during that time.
I'd like to thank Sheila L. for four and a half years of sponsorship and giving me a good foundation.
I'd like to thank Clancy for the structure of this group, which I need.
I'd like to thank the Class of 85.
And more especially, I want to thank God for keeping me here and giving me this opportunity.
Thank you.
Thank you for giving me his strength.
Thank you very much.
Happy birthday, Teresa.
We have a 12-year birthday for Bob K.
I'm Bob Kaplan.
I'm an alcoholic.
I guess I have to thank Clancy for two cakes this year.
But much more than that, for the love and guidance and direction that he's given me this year, I couldn't have stayed an Alcoholics Anonymous this year without him.
And he's the well that never goes dry here.
If you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, I want you to know that it just never gets better.
If you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, I want you to know that it gets better.
Then sober a member of the Pacific Group of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Happy birthday, Bob.
We have another 12-year birthday for Ralph W.
Happy birthday.
My name's Ralph .
I'm an alcoholic.
And I want to thank for giving me the cake, and also for being the example that he is.
And also a special acknowledge to Mike Ross for all the help he gave me over the years.
over the years and i also want to thank all the people here that make possible the level of
dignity that we experience at this particular group is very important to me and remember if
you're not here after what we're here after then we'll be here after you're gone happy birthday
ralph we have a 13-year birthday for chris t happy i'm chris tucker alcoholic
i'd like to thank all the guys who rode out from orange county with me this last year i went to
dinner before the meeting and all the guys went out afterwards to coffee shops and movies i'd like
to thank clancy for his uh example and for uh especially for his tapes on the steps and i'd
like to thank my sponsor gene for another year of support his love guidance and direction and
all of you thank you
happy birthday
we have a 16 year birthday for judy g i'm judy german i'm an alcoholic i want to thank god for
getting me sober and giving me the gift of willingness i want to thank my sponsor marilyn
who's just been a total angel in my life ever since i met her i want to thank clancy her sponsor
for creating this wonderful group i want to thank my wonderful husband buddy and i want to thank god
again for putting buddy in my life i want to thank the women i sponsor who really do keep me sane
although it's not always evident
and i lastly want to thank ben my dear friend who's not
with us anymore who brought me to the pacific group thank you ben and thank you all
happy birthday judy
we have a 17 year birthday for jim h my name is jim hopkins i'm an alcoholic
i want to thank god for getting me here tommy r and teddy m for my first year in the.t.c. group
Clancy for sponsoring me and sticking with me the last 16 years
and for giving me that cake tonight.
I appreciate it.
Thank he and Charlotte also for the art.
I want to thank the Thursday night Hook the Mouth gang.
All of you in the Class of 78.
Thank you.
Happy birthday, Jim.
We have a 21-year birthday for Sam E.
My name is Sam Eisenberg, and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic.
Clancy always wants to get into the act, even if it doesn't belong.
On this particular occasion, I know I have just a few moments,
so let me tell you briefly from the heart how I feel.
I've been married quite some time.
My wife is a wonderful woman.
I have three great sons, a handful of grandchildren,
and I'm just one of the proudest,
the happiest men in all the world.
And I have A.A. to thank for most of this.
Of course, A.A. gave me the background, gave me the feel,
what was needed of me to proceed to become what I am right now.
And even though I use that walker, that's not a handicap to me.
I feel I can overcome most anything.
Just give me the opportunity, and it can be done.
Thank you.
Thank you all for listening.
I thank you all for your time.
And thank you, Clancy, again, for all the help you've given me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
happy birthday sam we have a 24 year birthday for beverly a
i'm beverly alcoy and i'm an alcoholic
i'm feeling like my skirt was coming off
just a feeling yes
i love this group and i've been here for 24 years
i i love the community of the pacific group i love the community i live in west hollywood
i love the program of al-anon i want to thank my wonderful sponsor evelyn
um she is uh been my sponsor for 19 years and um
um
She tells me the truth sometimes when I don't like it, but I love her very much.
And her sponsor, Clancy, who I love because he can get me to laugh at myself when nobody else can.
And I have the Morris family, Carol and Barney, who have invited me to their home and made me a part of it.
And I love you both very much, the Grovers who are here tonight.
I've been very blessed over these years, and I've said this in my other cakes.
Half of this room, or most of all of this room, could give me the cake because it really belongs to all of you.
Thank you.
Happy birthday, Beverly.
We have a 34-year birthday for a former secretary of this group, Irv G.
Eat your heart out.
My name's Irv George, and I'm an alcoholic.
And I'm telling you, you know, it's a normal thing to say I'm glad to be here.
I'm glad to be any place at my age where I'm still standing up.
But in a moment of serious mood, I want to say something, especially in a way of thanks to myself.
To my sponsor, Clancy Emerson.
He, I met him when he came into my life, I should say, when I was 15 months sober and not doing all that well.
And he not only put a outstanding AA life in my, gave me an AA life, but also my just other living was made entirely more beneficial.
So, through him, I'm also grateful for this group.
I've been with this group from the, about the third year of its start.
And you're a beautiful bunch, and I'm just proud to be a part of you.
Thanks for being here.
Thank you.