Change Your Actions and Your Attitude Will Change — Art Cole Had It Backwards from Every Teacher – Matt J.

Good afternoon. My name is Matt Johnson. I'm an alcoholic. I'd like to thank the
committee for asking me out here. It's an honor to participate, and I happen to
like the weather. You know, it's nice to have weather. I'd like to thank my host
and hostess, Bill and Dorothy. They've been great driving us all over and stuff
and picking us up. So I come from a normal family. Both my parents are
alcoholics, and I was born in LA and raised all around the Los Angeles area. I
was an asthmatic and hay fever from a kid from birth. I was given shots of
adrenaline until I was old enough to swallow a pill, and then they gave me
this thing called Tedrol, which is an amphetamine, and it used to just
wire me up. And I can remember as a kid just sitting in a big, cool,
Naugahyde chair just fantasizing, and that's all I'd do. And I would just
sit there and do nothing but watch Bullwinkle and John Wayne movies and, you
know, and just fantasize and wish I was there. And I can remember as a kid I
never wanted to be where I was, and I was also real accident-prone and a real
guilty child. I can remember I couldn't walk down the street that I
hit by a car or just step in glass, you know. I just, I always had stitches and,
you know, I was always sick. So I had a pretty uneventful childhood until the
sixth grade. I hardly went to school unless I had to. I had, I had a learning
disorder. I just never liked school, and so I never learned. And I, in the sixth
grade, I can remember a teacher came up to me and said, why don't you, why isn't
your homework done? And I told her, I
said, my, my father was drunk last night, and there was a lot of arguing, and I,
you know, and I couldn't handle it. And she said, and she patted me on the back
and told me to go sit down, and I found an out,
you know, and I thought I fooled her, you know. Now she's probably sitting
somewhere reading a book, and I'm a functioning illiterate today because I
got out, you know, I never did any homework from then on. I, I always
fooled it and I always used my, the alcoholism in the family, as an excuse and,
I always used it and I always used my, the alcoholism in the family, as an excuse
and I always played the victim role and I played it well I thought you know it
became an easy vehicle for me hiya in the seventh grade with the help of
another friend I wrote a pornographic essay I got expelled from elementary
school and my folks were divorced at the time and they they rallied together and
I got I came home and I ran away from home and I got caught and they rallied
together and took me to this psychologist who they'd been seeing for
a while my folks had and she was a dream analyzer and I like that so much I used
to make up dreams for her to analyze you know I I just like hearing about me and
and she'd talk about what was happening but I can remember being I was sitting
there 12 years old looking around this little group therapy room and thinking I
don't know anybody else that went to my that's in my elementary school that's
going to a shrink you know and I you know I thought what am I doing here and
I
woke up in a moment and I formed a sort of like another mind and I got out of
there and I you know I learned I wasn't even paying for it I was lying to her
you know kind of thing and usually it's the other way around but I got out of
there I was still taking my tedBye-bye.
I never took him as you know prescribed I always took him as needed and I was
still taking those and I've been stealing my mother's Valiums and I I
with vodka and scotch and, you know, martinis and everything.
I knew what everything tasted like, and I'd been, I'd faked a few drunks.
I don't know if I was really drunk up to then, but when I was 15,
on, it was New Year's Eve, I helped put away a fifth of scotch with two other friends,
and I took a handful of these Ted Rolls and the Valiums that I'd been stealing,
and I drank this scotch, and I'll tell you, the feelings that I'd had up to that time was
I always had that feeling of running on incomplete information.
You know, I never knew what was going around, you know, going on around me.
I always, you know, I never felt like I had natural instincts.
And I got drunk that night, and I knew what to do.
You know, my one friend got puking drunk, and the other friend regressed in the corner,
and I just held a cool rag to my one friend's head, and I made conversation with the other one.
I put them both to sleep, and I stayed up and finished the rest of the bottle,
and I looked into the fireplace and, you know, and just contemplated life the rest of the evening, you know.
And that was...
That's the way it was.
I found the answer, and I, you know, I went on from there.
I was 16.
I was a dishwasher on the Redondo Beach Pier,
and they had a Christmas party that started at 9 o'clock,
and by 8.30, I had passed out asleep on the toilet.
And somebody had to break down the, you know, break into the door and tell me,
and, you know, you ain't going to be able to say,
pull up your pants and get out of here, will you?
And I got fired from that job for stealing beer,
and sent home to my mother, who I was living with.
And my mother called up my father and said,
come and pick up your son.
He's just like you.
And I got home.
You know, my father came and picked me up,
and I got home to his place, and we kind of clicked.
Now, my father was your basic fifth-a-day vodka drinker,
and sometimes a quarter-day or better.
And he would...
He was the type that he'd get drunk and turn into a big goober.
You know?
Tell you how much he...
He'd tell me how much he loved me and wanted to hug me,
and he'd be drooling, and he'd, you know,
or he'd fall asleep into a spaghetti,
or, you know, or he'd just start sneezing, you know,
and just sneeze, and I hated him.
And I just, you know, as a kid, I can remember,
God, I used to...
We used to do stuff like he'd come at you,
and I'd be bouncing on the couch, and he'd be drunk,
and I'd just put my hand on his head and bounce right over him and stuff, you know,
because he'd be so...
So drunk, and then, you know,
but he'd always end up catching me,
and then by the time I was 16,
I'd grown to about the size I am now,
a little skinnier, but, you know,
he'd come at me, and I could just put a head fake on him,
and I'd get away, and...
But we kind of clicked.
He lived in Hermosa Beach,
and I handled all the cleaning,
and he handled all the cooking,
and we got by just fine,
and I learned life down in Hermosa Beach.
I learned how to survive on the streets.
I learned how to...
And my problem was, at 16,
is how do you get alcohol when you don't like vodka?
I always associated alcoholism with vodka.
I never wanted to be like him, my father.
He drank vodka, and that was...
He was a lush.
And so I thought by...
I drank all the...
I was really into wine.
I, you know, good wines like, you know,
Spaniada and Ripple,
and Ripple Red and Ripple White.
And if we had any dough, we'd drink Akadama.
You know, that was good stuff.
And so usually it was...
I'd drink a...
I could chug a pint, or, you know,
or one of those...
A pint, and then if we were going to do any serious cruising,
we'd get a quart, and I'd sip on that.
And then I also, at that time,
adopted the philosophy of better living through chemistry,
which was, you know, I got rid of my Tedrals
and got these little mini-uppers,
and I would take those for motivation,
you know, just to get going
and to get talking,
and I'd be ready to do anything,
and my eyes would be like this,
and, you know, and I'd be grinding my teeth
and ready to go.
And then I'd drink this wine
just to relax my jaws,
because I was a real teeth grinder,
and I'd just...
I'd relax my jaws,
and then I'd smoke dope to appreciate the arts,
you know.
You know, I was a real concert-goer,
and, you know, kind of thing,
and a real movie-goer.
And I, you know, I never...
I never was one for doing much experimenting,
but I knew a few things.
I knew how to go to a movie,
and I knew how to go to a concert.
And so I would do that,
and we'd always take a lot of dope,
and always take a lot of alcohol.
And the problem...
I'll tell you, back in those days,
it was...
Or, you know, I'm going to spin off of the 60s there.
It was easier to get a hold of pot
than it was alcohol,
because at 16, 17,
they always checked you for ID.
I didn't start shaving until after I got sober.
So you'd have to...
You'd have to stake out the liquor store,
you know, and you'd have to get somebody
who'd get you what you wanted.
And I can remember one time,
I wanted just Red Ripple,
and the guy got me Pagan Pink.
And I got some barbecue potato chips,
and I'll tell you,
I remember eating these barbecue potato chips
and drinking this Pagan Pink Ripple,
and I puked my guts up,
and I haven't had any barbecue potato chips since.
You know?
I knew it was them.
So...
But, you know, I always mixed,
because I could never get enough of one thing
to really do what I wanted to do.
And I can remember,
we'd get high,
and I would take hallucinogenics, too.
I dabbled in that a tad.
And I would...
We'd go into Hollywood,
which was great.
And we'd go to these big movie places,
and we'd be just, you know, flying.
And I knew I was having fun
when I couldn't count anymore.
And we'd go up to the, you know,
to a movie,
and we'd see a movie we wanted,
and we'd go up,
and you'd just go like this to the girl.
And you'd just hold out your dough.
And hopefully she made the correct change for you.
Because by that time,
you couldn't talk either.
And I'd walk into the candy stand,
and I'd just hold out my hand.
And, you know,
point what I wanted.
And then, you know,
and then hopefully I'd have eye contact by then,
you know,
and so I'd give her that
and go into the cotton mouth routine.
And she'd go,
Coke?
And, you know,
and I'd just nod
and hold out my, you know, my hand.
And then I'd, you know,
go in,
and then usually, you know,
usually it was a mediocre movie,
and there'd be about five of us
laughing our heads off, you know,
that kind of thing.
You know, uncontrolled, uncontrollable.
And, but, you know,
those were the good,
that's the, those were the good times.
I really enjoyed that.
And that's what I looked for,
and that was the escape I wanted.
And I would go for that.
And I would just spend all my time
and all my efforts, you know,
into planning my highs.
I always made sure I had a lot of pot.
I always made sure there was alcohol around,
and I did that.
And I'll tell you,
I was obsessed with it when I didn't have it.
I was a morning user and a morning drinker,
I, you know,
I was, I drank when I was alone.
You know, it didn't bother me to go and buy a Bud.
You know, I drank quart bottles of Budweiser.
It never bothered me to drink that stuff alone
kind of stuff, kind of thing.
So, but about this time, I was about 18,
and my mother moved back into it
with us down in Hermosa Beach.
And I'll tell you,
things just kind of went nuts at that time.
Up to then, there'd been no family life.
My father was always gone.
And I can remember,
we just had Easter here.
Well, in California,
I'm sure you had it in here, too.
But I can remember on Easter and stuff,
I'd be sitting on the curb poking at stuff,
and I'd look up,
and everybody would be in little Easter outfits
and add baskets and things.
And I can, you know,
my sister left when I was 11,
and my father moved out at that time,
was kicked out,
and my mother was always asleep,
you know, kind of thing.
And there was never anybody around,
and I can remember,
I was always real lonely.
And then, I'll tell you,
when we got the family together,
it was hell.
My mother was a blackout drinker.
And as goober as my father got,
my mother got angry when she got drunk.
And she'd get drunk,
and she'd blackout,
and she'd go cockeyed.
And you knew she was crazed,
kind of thing.
And I can remember one day,
I was walking home,
I started surfing down there,
and I used to just spend a lot of time in the water.
And I would just,
I'd come back,
and I'd put my surfboard away,
and I was walking down our courtyard,
and you could look into their bedroom
through the window,
in the courtyard.
And I looked in there,
and my mother was ripping
this Sony TV out of the wall.
Well, a small Sony TV.
It was about three in the afternoon,
and my father was already in his pajamas,
and drunk,
you know, drinking his vodka.
And my mother ripped his TV out,
and had brought it in.
And by the time I'd made it in the door,
she had had a,
she had it in the sink with a hammer like this.
And I walked in,
and she looked at me like this,
and I thought,
oh brother.
And I went on an emotional adrenaline high.
You know, I mean,
I just started pumping.
And I thought,
now I can disarm her,
and take this hammer away.
I wasn't physically threatened,
but I was just freaking.
And I looked down at my father,
who was sitting there in his pajamas,
and for some sort of masculine reinforcement,
I guess.
And I looked at him,
and he goes,
oh honey,
don't do that.
And,
you know,
it was like,
you know,
one word from him,
and she did the opposite,
and she just destroyed the TV,
you know.
And it was that kind of thing.
My father,
my father also,
when he drank,
he was a,
kind of guy that liked to listen to the same song,
over and over and over and over and over again.
And if he liked one little riff,
he'd find it.
You know,
he'd sacrifice five songs for that one little,
you know,
song.
And,
he'd do stuff like wake up my mother,
and say,
come and listen to this song,
honey,
it's really beautiful.
And,
he'd play it for her,
over and over and over and over and over again.
And then,
he'd make mistakes.
You know,
he'd say,
what did you think of that song,
honey?
And she'd say,
I'll show you what I think of it.
And she'd walk over to the stereo,
and take the needle,
and just bend it straight up.
Or,
you know,
or she'd take the record off,
and just break it in his face.
And,
she'd start breaking records.
She learned early not to do the needle thing after that first time,
but she'd start breaking records,
and she'd go through everything.
She'd go through,
you know,
his Earl Garner,
and my Jimi Hendrix,
you know,
kind of thing.
Or,
you know,
or his Frank Sinatra,
and my,
my Jethro Tull.
And,
she just didn't know the difference.
And,
I'd come home,
tuned in.
You know,
I mean,
I'd,
I'd,
I'd gotten some good stuff,
and I was ready for some,
you know,
music.
I had the same problem.
And,
I'd go to my,
and there'd be my album cover.
It'd be sitting there,
and I'd look at it,
and I'd open it,
and there'd be nothing in there.
And,
we had a back door about right there,
that everything went out.
And so,
it got to be habit.
I'd just look outside,
and there would be a,
you know,
a pile of licorice pizza,
on the ground,
you know,
where she'd broken all the records,
all except for the Christmas records.
Those we had to listen to,
from October through February,
you know.
You know,
so,
she'd do that kind of stuff.
And,
talk about feeling,
you know,
that,
of incomplete information,
you know.
We never knew what was next,
or what was happening.
And,
I'll tell you,
I'd get this,
this kind of thing would happen,
I'd go berserk.
And,
unlike our earlier speaker,
I would go crazy.
I'd,
I'd split and go get drunk,
and I'd sleep in the car.
You know,
kind of thing.
Because I couldn't handle
what was going on inside.
And I couldn't deal with it.
And I just didn't know.
And there was nobody
that I could turn to.
And I,
you know,
nobody that,
that I saw around
that was experiencing
the same thing.
And I mean,
it would be a real joke.
My father,
I'd come home with my surfing buddies,
we'd ditch school,
and my father would be standing there
in his pajamas
with a bottle of vodka,
lecturing us on,
what are we going to turn out to be like
if we keep ditching school?
You know,
and we'd,
you know,
like I said,
we were in eye contact,
and we'd just roll our eyes
and go,
I'd go,
let's get out of here,
you know,
kind of thing.
And we'd head for the water.
And,
you know,
and that was about it.
But,
right around this time,
my mother tried to commit suicide
and didn't work.
And they went to this psychologist,
and the psychologist suggested
they go to AA.
Or,
they went to a doctor
and suggested they go to a doctor.
And this doctor suggested
they go to AA.
This doctor's wife
had,
had a drinking problem,
and she tried everything
from,
you know,
from Anabuse
to going to Raleigh Hills
and being sponsored
by Gale Storm,
you know,
and nothing had worked.
And,
but she'd been sober
two years in AA.
And,
so,
they tried it
and it clicked.
And I noticed
the attraction,
you know,
I noticed the change
almost immediately.
My father,
who had had,
he had lived
in Hermosa Beach
for six years
and never had a tan,
you know,
he had stayed sober
for six months,
you know,
and he had a tan.
And,
he had blotches of hair
that had fallen out
off the,
you know,
all the,
not just on the top,
but on the sides,
you know,
they'd just fall out,
grew back.
And,
you know,
my mother,
who was running around
like this all the time,
straightened out
and started making
tuna fish sandwiches again,
you know,
and,
and I noticed
a real peaceful change,
but,
you know,
the anger
had already caught up
with me.
And,
you know,
and that anger
survival mode
had taken over
where I had no more
feelings anymore.
I only knew one thing
and that was,
I just,
went out and got high
and it just didn't matter
what it was.
I,
I was a,
I graduated from high school
and I was a daily,
at 17 and a half
and I was a daily user
and it just didn't matter.
I drank beer in the morning
and I'd smoke hash
and I'd go surfing
and I'd come in
and I'd,
I'd sleep
and I'd,
you know,
I'd take some amphetamines
in the afternoon
and I'd drink beer
and wine all night
and,
or,
you know,
and Mai Tais
and just,
you know,
anything that I could
to get drunk.
And then,
we,
you know,
I'd go to the same thing
over and over and over again
and I'd get jobs
and it wouldn't work
and,
you know,
I can remember
I got a job
sanding cars
and the only problem is
is it takes all the calluses
off your fingers
and I could never
keep a roach clip,
you know,
kind of thing
and I had to make
a big decision,
you know,
either get a roach clip
and keep it
or quit this job.
So,
I went off
into the movie business,
you know,
and I started
a ticket taker
at a thing,
so,
at a theater,
you know,
it was a big decision.
So,
I did that
and my folks
got active in AA
and I would have
situations
that I'd have
to move back in.
I had a friend
came up to me
and said,
let's go surf
the Gulf Coast
and,
you know,
being Mr. Spontaneous,
you know,
kind of thing,
I could,
nothing was ever
any fun
unless it was spontaneous
and so I said,
let's go
and we got to
Corpus Christi, Texas
to find out
they don't have
any waves
in the Gulf Coast,
you know.
The only time they do
is when there's a hurricane
and there wasn't
hurricane season,
you know,
so,
but they,
they do have something
which is pretty good,
you know,
they got this stuff
called Everclear
and,
and so I just
stayed drunk on that,
you know what I mean,
I just carried a pint around
and this guy's mother
asked him to ask me
if it was necessary
that I drink
in the mornings
and I thought,
you bet it's necessary,
it was like 1969
and I had long hair
in Texas
and,
you know what I mean,
let me put it to you,
it was like,
even the woman
wanted to kick my ass
down there,
you know,
so,
and I could feel
the vibes
and,
so,
we split Texas
and came back
and I got home
and I,
you know,
I moved in with my folks
and,
and it was really funny,
Stan,
this guy Stan
came up to me last night
and he said,
you wouldn't happen
to know a guy
named Byron
and I said,
you bet I do,
I got back from Texas
this time
and my father
sent me to Byron
to try to straighten me out
and I said,
you know,
you're probably great
with 40-year-olds,
Byron,
but see you later
and,
so I,
you know,
I went on
and I just,
I got a job
working at Sears
and the tire department,
you know,
$2.50 an hour
and all the glue
you can sniff
kind of thing
and,
and I did a great job,
I'll tell you,
I did a great job
and I can remember,
you know,
I can remember
I had this great
big wide mouth bottle
of vulcanizing glue
and I'd be sniffing
this glue
and I think,
I wonder how many
brain cells
this is killing
and then I'd start
rushing and I'd think,
who cares,
you know,
and,
and so I did that
and I got promoted
all the way up to assistant,
I was the youngest
assistant service manager
there
and,
and I was doing real good
but I,
I didn't know how
to read or write
and,
you know,
it's a prerequisite
that you,
you know how to spell
Plymouth at least,
you know,
and I couldn't do it
so,
I would get,
you know,
I got bounced around
and I was ripping off
Sears like crazy
and I was just
going crazy
and my father
one night asked me
if I'd like to go
to a meeting with him
and I said,
yeah,
I think I'd like to,
I'd been to Alateen
but my problem,
story of my life,
you know,
I've always been late,
I got to Alateen
when I was 20 years
and one month old,
you know,
so I never felt,
fit in
but I used,
I still used to like
to hug the girls
anyways,
you know,
hi,
I'm 20
and,
but I got into
young Alateen,
I'll tell you,
I always got into
things late,
you know,
I'd always have,
I'd have cuffed pants
when I'd go straight,
you know,
kind of thing.
Now,
you know what,
I'd like to have
a mohawk right now
but it's too late
for that too,
you know,
you know,
I'm always out
but,
but so I got,
I went to this
Tuesday night
Ohio Street meeting
and I met a man
named Art Cole there
who changed my life.
He started suggesting
things to me,
I didn't get sober
but he had,
he became my advisor
and he started to talk
to me about stuff
and he said,
you know,
he says,
Matt,
if you change your actions
your attitude will change,
you know,
and I tell you,
I'd only heard it
the other way around
from all,
my whole life,
you know,
you've got a bad attitude,
why don't you change
your attitude,
you know,
you've got potential
but why don't you
change your attitude
and I'd be slammed
against the wall
by teachers,
you know,
by employers
would corner me
and tell me that,
you know,
why don't you change
and it wasn't that
I didn't want to change,
you know,
kind of thing,
I've always wanted to be
a good guy
basically,
kind of thing
but I just never knew
how to do it,
you know,
and Art told me
the difference
and I started to change
my actions
and I started to take
the right actions
and I went out
and got a haircut
and I just,
you know,
I started doing this stuff
and I hadn't been out
on a date
in about a year
because I was,
you know,
I always thought
I was limited on funds
and I'd rather spend
the money on beer,
you know,
kind of thing
than romance
and anyways,
I had a Volkswagen
that I had to stop
with a handbrake,
you know,
and it's kind of hard
to explain,
you go,
oh yeah,
been in any good movies lately
and you know,
you just stop in your car
like that,
so,
you know,
you don't have to romance
a bottle of bud,
if you know what I mean,
you know,
so I just hadn't been
on a date
and Art said,
why don't you ask a girl out
and I did
and I,
she said,
I said,
I'll pick you up at 7
and she said,
fine,
so on the way over there
I drank three cans
of Colt 45
and smoked a couple of joints
and I passed out
and I couldn't understand it,
you know,
and I called up Art
and I said,
I don't know what happened,
I passed out,
I didn't wake up until 10
and she was gone
and he said,
man,
it sounds to me
like maybe you have
a problem with living,
he says,
what I suggest you do
is try going to 30 AA meetings
and if you do decide to go,
I want you to be considered
the alcoholics
and not drink
or take any drugs,
you think you can do that?
Well,
I had,
I'd had Alan on training
by then
and I said,
I think I can do it
one day at a time,
Art,
and he said,
great,
and he said,
I'll tell you what
I want you to do,
he goes,
I want you to go up
to three new people
you don't know
and I want you to
stick out your hand
and say,
hi,
my name is Matt,
what is your name
and then make small talk
and I thought,
that's great,
Art,
but if I knew
how to make small talk,
I'd still be out there,
you know,
I'd reduce my vocabulary
to I'm hungry,
I'd have you scored
anything lately,
you know,
kind of thing,
and I really wasn't big
on,
you know,
making sentences
and,
so,
you know,
he said,
just try,
you know,
take the actions
and,
and I did
and I'll tell you,
I stayed sober
for 45 days,
I was out on dates
and,
you know,
I'd done everything,
I was making conversation
and I thought,
I found the key,
you know,
you just make conversation
and I went out
and I got drunk,
I thought I had the answer
and I caught myself
sitting in a chair
at a party,
the only single chair,
staring at people
I'd like to talk to
and couldn't think
of a thing to say
and,
you know,
and I'll tell you,
I thought,
this isn't the answer
either,
and a bud one,
I was drinking Budweiser
and smoking joints
and I thought,
you know,
this isn't it
and I,
once I,
my mind wouldn't stop,
it wouldn't turn off,
it wasn't doing it
and I'd been drunk
for three days
and once my body
sobered up enough for me,
I went and had a,
the local Sambo's
and drank about
50 cups of coffee
and that was May 27th,
1973
and I haven't had
a drink since
or anything
and I was 21 years old,
I didn't feel like
I belonged in AA
when I came back,
I thought,
God,
I can remember,
it seemed like
everybody that got up
here to participate
had been through
WW2
and had Jake laid
and had,
you know,
wives and families
from here to New York
and,
you know,
I'd never had
any of that kind of stuff
and I'll tell you,
I was sitting there
and everybody was
patting me on the back
and saying,
you're so lucky
to be in AA so young,
you know,
you've got the rest
of your life ahead of you
and I can remember
sitting in the back
thinking,
yeah,
great,
only 50 or 60 more
years of this,
you know,
you know,
kind of thing,
so,
and I'll tell you,
it wasn't that exciting
and,
so,
I've been sober
about 11 years now
and it's only
30 or 40 more years
of this,
you know,
kind of thing,
but I,
I did nothing
my first couple of years,
I,
my folks,
once I sobered up,
you know,
I thought,
now that I've sobered up,
my folks would just
take me in and feed me
and everything would be okay,
my old man booted me out,
he said,
get out then,
you know,
it's time to do it yourself
and I moved into
a one room place
that was no bigger
than this stage
and,
and the,
the story of my life,
I only moved into it
temporarily,
you know,
so I never put anything
on the walls
and I got a refrigerator
that my sponsor gave me
and I plugged it in
and it didn't work
and when I moved out
three years later,
it was still there
with the same six pack
that I'd bought
the first night,
you know,
a Coke in there,
you know,
in the refrigerator
and three years later
there was still nothing
on the walls
and the only thing
that I had is
I'd won a Mr. Coffee
at a New Year's Eve party
and I had that
and my dresser,
a bed,
you know,
all you needed,
all you needed was a bed
and a Mr. Coffee earlier,
you know,
I had a Mr. Coffee,
my dresser,
and my bed
in there in a bathroom
and that's all I had
for three years.
I had,
I went downhill.
I'm one of those types
that I came into,
I had like,
back at then
it was double knits
and that kind of stuff.
I came in with double knits
and worked my way down,
you know,
that kind of thing.
I had a pickup truck
and I,
I reduced myself
to Levi's and tennis shoes.
I had my pickup truck,
uh,
repossessed
because I didn't think
it was necessary
to pay bills.
I mean,
what do they want?
I was sober
kind of thing.
I,
uh,
I took my fourth
and fifth step
to art.
I had been dealing dope
and,
uh,
and stealing from Sears
and,
uh,
you know,
I had to make amends
to Sears
and art goes,
you have to make amends
to Sears.
And I said,
yeah,
that's great art,
but Sears prosecutes
for a drill bit,
you know.
You don't know them
like I do.
I'd worked there
for about three years,
you know.
He says,
no,
you make amends.
And we made a list
of the stuff
and they were flabbergasted
that I'd come in
and turn myself in.
And they only made me pay
for the things
that I had on hand,
you know,
which was,
uh,
things that I figured
they owed me.
A 35 millimeter camera
and,
uh,
you know,
a tape deck
and a few other things,
you know,
a couple of batteries
and stuff.
And,
uh,
you know,
but about 500 bucks
for the stuff.
And I,
you know,
I made,
they set me up
with a program
to pay it back
and they didn't ruin
my employment record.
you know,
they said,
go ahead and use this
as a reference.
And I,
you know,
I mean,
it's like unbelievable.
And so,
I paid them for about
four months
and I thought,
they don't really need
the money either,
you know.
And so I stopped
paying them.
And the other problem
was is this Sears
was right in Santa Monica
and all my meetings
was right in Santa Monica.
You know,
so every time I'd drive by
I'd have to kind of
duck down
or drive all the way around.
You know,
the Sears took up
right where the freeway
let off,
you know.
And so I'd drive
all the way around
and I just ducked it
and I,
you know,
it's that,
your basic,
why put off today
which you can put off
for about four years,
you know,
kind of stuff.
And so,
I put that off
and I just,
you know,
I had to hit a bottom,
I had to hit a bottom
after I hit a bottom
on the program
before I could start
growing again.
And I finally
was shot all the way around.
I had had a knee operation
and I was shot
physically,
spiritually,
everything.
And I wasn't drinking
and I started
all this stuff
and I had to come up.
I,
I met a friend
named Cecil
in July
and I had a meeting
and I'd work with him
kind of stuff
and we'd sit
and talk
and talk
and talk
and,
but I was,
I'm your basic jokester,
you know.
I like to stand
in a crowd
and put people down
kind of thing.
And I heard
a woman participate,
a woman named
Marianne Kay
talk
and I just really
identified to the fact
that when I got here
I knew,
had no opinions
and I knew nothing
about current events.
And so,
by putting you down,
and making you laugh
was my survival mode
hoping that you
wouldn't ask me
and find out
how shallow
I really was
and really am
and you know
or really was
kind of thing
and I did that
and I,
it took me a long time
to break out of that
mode
to where,
you know,
I could be serious
with a friend.
Mike,
I remember my friend Cecil
was crazy
and he sat down with me
and I just started
putting him down
and making jokes
you know,
you wimp,
come on,
you know,
and he said,
why can't you
ever be serious with me?
You know,
he says,
I need some help here
and you know,
and it just dawned on me,
you know,
why can't I be serious?
And I sat
and I'll tell you,
Cecil's a man
that I love today
you know,
kind of thing.
I,
we're real close
and I was able
to become more serious.
I was able to find out
who Matt was.
You know,
that was the one thing
I never knew who I was.
I switched sponsors,
my sponsors split
and up to San Francisco
and I got the,
the local guru,
some guy named Clancy
and he's the kind of guy
that's not afraid
to hurt your feelings
if you know what I mean
and so I,
I wasn't,
I had,
you know,
it's funny,
one of his first directions
was I had gotten fired
from a job
on a Friday
and Monday morning
at,
at eight o'clock
I was at the
unemployment offices
and it was July
and I got in line
and I,
by 8.15
I was home in bed,
back in bed,
naked with this
unemployment thing,
laying on my chest
and I was rolling
back and forth,
you know,
thinking all month
or all rest of the year
with unemployment,
you know,
I'm going to have to
work again.
You know,
I thought,
well,
I'll buy a new surfboard
and I'll start this stuff
and I rolled over this way
and the phone rang
and it was my friend
of mine named Claude
and he said,
Matt,
you've got to come
out to the valley,
I've got a great job
for you,
answering phones,
working for an importer
and I thought,
God,
Claude,
this is great
but no thanks
and I hung up
and that Tuesday night
at the meeting,
you know,
Claude goes up,
Clancy goes,
Clancy,
I got Matt a great job
and he won't apply
and,
you know,
Clancy,
he just says,
you will apply
and I went out there
and I'll tell you,
it was really great.
I went out there
and I didn't wear a tie
and I wore my sneakers
and,
you know,
I hadn't had a haircut
in a while
and I just sat down
and I kind of put my leg
up on the leg
of the chair
and this guy,
you know,
and he goes,
are you an example
of a guy
and I said,
I'm probably the best
order taker
but I don't know
if I like working
in the valley,
you know,
I mean,
it was one of those things
I was not trying
to get this job
and it turned out
this guy had been
a corporate,
you know,
a big time corporate man
in the IT&T chain,
ties and,
you know,
blue blazer,
white shirt
and he was really
just tired
and sick of it
and he liked
the style
and,
you know,
I mean,
it was like,
he was more arrogant
than I was
kind of thing
and he appreciated
my arrogance
and so,
he said,
great,
when can you start
and I thought,
well,
my last chance,
I can't start
for two weeks.
He says,
fine,
come to work
on the 26th
and I thought,
oh,
brother,
so I got this job
and I'll tell you,
it's been,
he gave me a $100 raise
to what I was working
before,
I mean,
it's like,
it's hard not to believe
in God
when these kind of things,
you know,
it's like,
I'm the kind of guy,
I have to have,
I have to be whipped
by an antenna,
you know,
with an antenna
by my God
before I really believe,
you know,
and I'll tell you,
he did it.
I got this job,
they gave me a raise
to come out,
you know,
they gave me an extra
$100 for a gas
to drive out
to the valley
which was about
30 miles
from where I lived
and he,
you know,
and they gave me
this thing
and I was,
I did such a good job,
they gave me a territory
but it was like jokingly,
you know,
they go,
here's a territory,
nobody's been able
to do anything with it,
you know,
go ahead
and I took this territory
and I turned it
into a producer
and,
you know,
I was doing fantastic
to the point that
they offered me
a promotion here
a year and a half ago
and I was selling
Volkswagen and Porsche parts
into Northern California.
They gave me an opportunity
to be an on-the-road salesman
selling BMW parts
in Southern California
with a car
and an expense account
and,
you know,
I said,
no,
I can't take that
and so I,
but I took it anyways.
You know,
I mean,
I don't deserve
that kind of stuff
with a,
you know,
I don't deserve
I couldn't believe it
and,
now,
it's been a hard road
but I,
you know,
to tell you what,
I've done it
and I've been working
out of it
and I did a real good job
and I had the good luck.
Now,
tell me,
I don't know why
I was given this job
and even after
everything I did
except for the fact
two years ago
his wife's
best friend called me
and said,
Hans has a problem
with drinking
and his wife
is going to leave him
and write him a letter.
What should I do?
What should she do?
And I got a phone number
of a guy
who lived in his area
and I said,
write him a,
you know,
just tell him in the note
that he should try
going to AAA
and try calling this guy
and he did
and this Memorial Day
he'll have two years.
You know,
so,
you know,
I just wonder
if maybe I was just
placed there to,
you know,
my purpose was just
to sober him up
so he could become
a goddamn millionaire
and I'll just,
you know,
I'll cover Southern California
for him,
you know.
But he's sober now
and doing well,
you know,
I mean,
he turned into a drooling drunk
where he'd lay in his chair
like that
and now,
you know,
he's an active member
and,
or he's not that active
of a member
but he's a sober member,
you know,
kind of thing.
So you wonder,
now,
my life,
I've,
you know,
I've,
I learned from my friend
Claude too
and Clancy that,
and it's the hardest lesson
I ever had to learn
and I still have to work on it
and that is,
it's okay to be successful
in AA,
you know.
I'm the type of guy
that I'm not happy
unless my truck's repossessed
or I'm,
you know,
I've got a lot of bills
or I'm overextended,
you know,
I'm not happy
unless I'm climbing
out of a hole
kind of thing
because I know
what direction to go
but what do you do
once you get on top?
You know,
what direction do you take?
You know,
I just,
you know,
it was one of the hardest
things to learn how to do
and I,
when I got eight years sober
I did a lot of stuff
and it was all
success-oriented
kind of stuff
but it was all stuff
that was done
without a higher power
in a sense,
I think.
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I quit smoking.
My mother,
I'll tell you,
my mother got cancer.
I quit smoking.
I,
I got married.
I invested some money
and I,
I started another business.
I switched,
I went from that portion
of the BMW business.
I just did a lot of stuff
and I did too much stuff
and I'll tell you,
I just thought it was all me.
I didn't think it was
anybody else
and I got to a point
with Clancy
where I couldn't talk
to him anymore.
You know,
we were great friends
but I,
you know,
I couldn't share with him
and so I had to switch sponsors
and I switched to a guy
named John.
John A.
Who,
who's,
you know,
who turned out to be,
who reminded me
what AA was about
and he would do things like,
he'd give me simple answers
to complicated questions.
You know,
I'd tell him,
you know,
I,
I love to take that victim role still
especially in my marriage.
You know,
you know how much money
she spent?
You know,
I'd get,
I'd call John
and he'd say,
have some patience,
kindness,
and understanding for her.
And I thought,
John,
you know,
that's not what I wanted to be.
I wanted him to say,
why don't you divorce her?
You know,
and,
you know,
it just didn't work.
And,
and I'd try that.
And he'd say,
give it some time.
It'll work out.
You know,
and I didn't want to hear that.
And he'd say,
why don't you try
going to a step study meeting?
And I didn't want to do that,
you know,
kind of thing.
And I went,
and I'll tell you,
I always go
the night
that I need to hear.
I went to the night
that was the third step
and they talked about
replacing fear with faith,
you know,
kind of thing.
And I thought,
huh,
you know,
because I'd had a lot of fear.
I had a fear
of losing all my money.
I had a fear
of losing my job
and not being good.
I had a fear
of being divorced,
you know,
and having,
or my marriage sour.
And I thought,
you know,
I wasn't living up to
the way my father thought
I should live
with my grandmother,
you know,
with my mother dying,
kind of thing.
And,
you know,
and I did that
and I just turned it over
and I,
I got a conscious
contact with a higher power
that I understand.
Not anybody else's,
you know,
I haven't been to church
other than,
on a wedding
in,
you know,
in 20 years
kind of thing.
But,
I,
this is probably
your water,
huh?
I,
but I got in touch
with my higher power.
And I'll tell you,
I have a reading disability.
You know,
I just can't read
unless it's the sports page.
And especially
the big book,
I can't read it.
So I fooled myself.
I bought it on tape.
And,
as I drive around,
I listen to the big book.
And I'll tell you,
there's no excuses
for not getting the program
one way or the other.
Either having somebody read it
or listening to it on tape
or reading it yourself.
And,
and so,
I started listening
to the big book.
And,
and I also went to
this other step study meeting
where they talked about the,
you know,
the sixth step.
Now,
now I took my steps
originally when I was 21.
You know,
and I hazed right over
that character defects
because,
because,
I figured I wasn't old enough
to have any character defects.
You know,
really,
you know,
I thought I didn't have any.
And,
and I realized that I did have a lot.
I'm a perfectionist.
And you've got to run it my way.
And,
you know,
there's just a lot of areas.
I,
I don't have patience with people.
And,
and I have to have it done this way.
And,
and,
you know,
and I learned that I had to,
you know,
I really had to turn those over.
And,
and to look out.
I,
getting married has been
one of the more interesting things
I've done in AA too.
Uh,
I married an Al-Anon.
No offense.
Uh,
she's,
but she's a great gal.
She's a real active woman in AA,
in Al-Anon.
And,
uh,
pretty girl.
And I,
and I married right into a family.
She had a small boy.
And,
uh,
kind of thing.
And I've had to learn to work through that.
you know,
and it hasn't been easy for me.
Uh,
you know,
I,
I want it done my way.
And it just doesn't work out.
Uh,
I have to really,
uh,
have patience.
I had to learn how to,
you know,
I'll tell you,
that works,
it works in with the word love.
I've never been one for love.
Anytime I hear somebody talk about it in AA,
it's one of those words that just clicks me off.
And,
uh,
and I'll tell you,
I still don't love a lot of people.
But I learned to love my wife.
I learned to love my parents.
And,
uh,
you know,
and I have love for people,
Keith and Sally,
who's here,
uh,
has taken care of me,
uh,
looked after me.
Keith used to take me to football games,
you know,
pat me on the back and buy me hot dogs.
And if I didn't have any money,
it slipped me money,
kind of thing.
And,
and just looked out for me.
you know,
I have,
I have the ability today to love people.
Uh,
you know,
but I,
I like,
I like people,
I like the word like better.
You know,
I like a lot of people.
I only love a few.
But,
uh,
you know,
I'll tell you,
I never felt grateful in AA.
I never felt grateful for being here.
I always thought I was sentenced to AA,
you know,
but I'll tell you now,
I've been sober a third of my life.
Uh,
I was,
uh,
I'm 32 now.
I've been sober almost 11 years.
I,
uh,
I,
I wouldn't trade it today
for what I had before.
I had,
I had 21 years of hell.
You know,
I had 21 years of suppressed anger.
You know,
I hated my family.
I hated what was going on.
My sister married interracially
and had two kids.
We could never deal with those feelings.
What,
you know,
I never knew what to do.
Uh,
uh,
or how to deal with it
other than I had to learn from Clancy
that just treat my nephew and my niece
like a,
like they're newcomers
and learn to love them.
And I did.
I mean,
I love my nephew.
It's really funny.
My nephew's 17.
He's living the,
he's living the legacy on now.
Uh,
he's only been arrested six times.
And,
uh,
one was for drinking a beer
in the morning
on the way to school.
And that wasn't so bad,
but he had,
he was,
he was under the possession
of marijuana,
you know,
or had,
and so they busted him for that.
And,
uh,
you know,
and he just doesn't understand.
You know,
I try to tell him,
Stuart,
you don't have to do that.
Don't be a victim to this stuff.
You know,
uh,
you know,
be an aggressor.
Get out there and get him.
And he says,
yeah,
great,
Matt,
okay,
but I just got a job
at a liquor store.
You know,
so,
he'll be there for a while
until he's in jail
and then,
or sobers up,
I guess,
I don't know,
but I've got my niece
coming over next weekend.
And,
uh,
you know,
and I'm going to live with,
you know,
I'm going to deal with it.
I,
uh,
my folks,
my mother,
who was supposed to die,
uh,
uh,
six months after they told us,
you know,
the doctor was real cool.
He said,
Lewis,
everything's going to be okay.
And then he told us on the side,
he goes,
she'll be dead in six months.
And,
uh,
me and my sister,
it just devastated us.
We couldn't deal with it.
And now,
uh,
December or January 1st,
she just celebrated 14 years of sobriety,
you know,
kind of thing.
And that was three and a half years ago
that she was supposed to die.
And she's supposed,
she's in total remission.
Uh,
and it's pretty heavy.
Uh,
uh,
we,
but there's still anger,
you know,
we're still frightened.
It's still scary.
And then we still don't know how to deal with it
kind of thing.
But it's,
I'll tell you,
I'm glad I've got,
I'm glad I've got,
I'm glad I've got AA to call on.
You know,
I'm glad I've got the things that I've got today.
I,
uh,
uh,
I really believe in the spiritual aspect of this program.
I believe that everything does have a purpose.
And I believe that there is a simple answer in AA
for every complicated problem there is.
And,
uh,
I've been real lucky.
This year,
I've got to sponsor a bunch of guys.
And I got one,
I got two guys right at the same time.
One guy had two months more than the other.
And after about three months,
I told this guy,
I always tell him,
I want you to call me in the morning.
And,
and,
uh,
I told this one guy after three months,
I said,
you don't have to call anymore.
It's,
you know,
just check in with me.
And he went out and he got drunk.
And so I haven't told the other guy yet.
And he's got almost,
he's got eight months,
you know,
kind of thing.
And,
you know,
it's really funny.
Uh,
AA,
you know,
God works in funny ways.
I,
now,
I can tell you,
uh,
how the Dodgers are doing.
But as far as any other current events,
I have no idea.
I sponsor guys,
like this guy that I'm sponsoring,
teaches,
teaches Elizabethan,
you know,
at this place called the Renaissance Fair out in,
you know,
California.
And he's,
you know,
he's well-read and he can tell you anything.
And he can fix his own car,
you know,
and,
uh,
and he's a,
he makes cartoons and he does,
you know,
he just does all kinds of stuff,
right?
And I'm thinking,
what am I doing sponsoring this guy?
You know,
he should have an intellectual.
And I'll tell you,
God works through that.
I got another guy who's got about six years who,
you know,
who studies Nietzsche,
you know,
kind of thing,
or studied Nietzsche and,
uh,
and understood it.
And,
uh,
before he got to AA.
And,
uh,
now he's,
he's a slumlord and,
you know,
in Venice,
California,
he's doing,
you know,
I mean,
the guy financially,
he's unbelievable.
But,
you know,
we have a,
I have a,
I have a happy story or happy ending to my story,
you know,
kind of thing.
We're all today working a program.
We're all trying,
you know,
and I mean,
what more can you ask for?
I'm grateful for AA,
uh,
totally.
I,
uh,
I love AA.
And,
uh,
uh,
I'm,
you know,
I'm honored that somebody would want me to come all this way to participate.
And I'd like to thank you all for listening.
Thank you.