Bondage of Self – Workshop: Steps 1 – Part 7 of 11 – Local AA Speakers

all right you guys so we talked about powerlessness in the first session and did did you guys get it about that did you get it about the first step somebody's up here going totally powerless just absolutely powerless so one of the things i'd like to do before i start the session is i'd like it if we could say the third step prayer if you know it that would be awesome you ready God I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will and take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those that I would love thy power, thy love and thy way of life may I do thy wills I think I said wetness on this tape sorry gosh so came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity that one was a negative for me I had been raised with this concept of God and power greater than and I remember somebody told me one time early on that I could even call this big oak tree out in front of our clubhouse. Hey, if you want that to be your higher power that could be your highest power. And I was like wow a tree? They said whatever whatever you want it to be well for me with the upbringing that I had which was strictly baptist i could not imagine going to my father and saying to him daddy you know at this 12 step stuff they told me that i could believe in this tree i remember i went to my Father because i really did try to get an understanding of of this whole like God thing higher power thing and i would keep going to my father until finally my sponsor was like don't you think that's a bit insane to keep going to him and every time you go to him he's telling you that this is where you should be not over here at the 12-step program so my father said you know Angie here's one thing that I think is just really strange about that whole process he said now you came to me and you said daddy I ain't had a drink in a year. And my father said, well, baby, your grandmama ain't had one in 90. I was like, thanks, Dad. Go to my sponsor. My dad said, my grandmother's 90 years sober. He wasn't too happy about my little year. So my father decided that one way we could lick my alcoholism was that we could come back home, which is Greenville, South Carolina. We could have a revival. I could be dipped in the river and then he's going to try to do that little struggle again I had with him, this one. Right? So we had this big revival. Everybody came. Three days because they were going to get this out of me. and I remember I left there and I came back home and I went to a meeting and I talked about it and an old timer said to me you know you could have stayed closer saved you some gas money and just showed up here we'll get it out of you we might not dip you in a river but you know if you can hang out here and I started doing that I started going to a meeting where they talked about the first three steps. One, two, and three. Then they would go back. One two and three I went to that meeting for a long time and I realized that until as long as alcohol served any kind of purpose in my life as long as my ego continued to serve as the thing that I went through it would be very hard to turn my will and my life over to anything because what am I really turning over when, when I came in and they said will of my life, it just was like, you know, okay, well turn my will of my life over to the care of God as I understand him. Came to believe. How do I come to believe in this thing? What do I do? You keep coming back. That doesn't make sense to me. You do this, when you do step two, then you do step three. That's just all there is to it. You just do it. How do you do it? Well, you keep coming back. Well, I know, I know, but what am I, what do I do? Well, you just keep coming back. Empty some ashtrays. What? I'll smoke. Empty som ashtray. You'll come to believe. What the heck? Make some coffee. Fold up those 300 chairs over there and put them up. And all that's going to make me come to believe yeah for somebody like me I was the one that I didn't help fold up those chairs but I sat in one of them trying to figure out how you folding them up was going to help you come to believe and so the whole time people are making coffee doing all this service work I'm sitting in a chair trying to figure out how that's helping you and why y'all look so damn happy doing it it wasn't until I did it that I began to understand. And that's what I love about service work. I can sit on the outskirts and say, no, I'm coming to meetings. I got a sponsor. I'm going to read the book. But what helped me come to believe in a power greater than was when I started doing the service because when I got out of me, I was able to see you. I don't know about you guys, but I ain't much, but I'm all I think about. You know what I mean? So Hot Topic has always been me all my life. It's always been about me. Me, me, me. What you going to do for me? Look at me. Poor, poor, pitiful me. Look at it. Look at that look at me I had to be taught how to do something for somebody else. Just put the chairs up, Angie. You don't have to know the answer. Because I'm going to tell you something, when they bought me a little hit of crack, not once did I say, well, could you kindly read off the ingredients in those, please? Because I am not going to do it until you tell me that there is no fructose syrup in it or whatever. You know what I mean? So, I never had to know this stuff. But then I come into AA and I got to know everything before I do anything. Every time that they poured me a shot of whiskey, not once did I ask them for the ingredients not once did I ever sit at the bar and say you know I'm feeling a bit inadequate today so could I have a shot and then after this I'm going to go do a crack rod I should be okay after that you know what I mean so it's like my whole life has been about not really thinking about other people I like in the book where it talks about selfishness self-centeredness we must be rid of it we must be rid of it. And I was so selfish and self-centered and I didn't even know I was selfish and self-centred. That's what's so crazy about it. I was self-sufficient. There wasn't anything that I did in my life, looking back, and my track record is conclusive. There was not one thing in my life that I really ever did for somebody else out of the kindness of my heart. I always had an agenda. Always had a motive. always when I tried to help you you better believe that I had that little voice back here going let me see if you help him see when you do this that and the other you can go back to him and you can say hey remember when I fixed your flat tire I mean did you pay my rent laughter that's how I thought you know what I mean it was always something it wasn't until I started doing of these little things that they were asking me to do in AA, the stuff that made no sense to me at all. It was like, I remember we were at a Spring Fling. It was 1,000 people there. 1,00 chairs. My sponsor said, I'm going to need you to help them fold up those chairs. And I said, well, you know what I usually do. She goes, I know what you usually do but today I strongly suggest don't you hate that it's sponsored I strongly suggest you ain't suggesting nothing, you telling me what to do and she said fold up ten of them for me Angie and I got in the mix and I folded up those ten chairs and in the midst of folding up those 10 chairs, I was talking to other people, which was something that I really didn't do. Like, I didn't really want to like like I wanted to be here, but I didn'y really want get to know you or anything I mean, what if this, you know, it's contagious or something, you now what I mean? So I don't really wanna get, I don'y wanna get to know you, I just kinda wanted to come, go to the meeting get shot by osmosis with some spirituality juice and then I'd be out of here but it wasn't until I took action that I began to see and I didn't see God working in my life guess what I saw him working in yours because while I was folding up those chairs you were telling me stuff about yourselves about AA and what you guys had did and all didn't have much fun you had and because I wasn't laughing when I got here I don't know about any of y'all, but I'm fearful of people that come into AA and they get a big book and they're like, I am so thankful to be here. Oh my God. I'm so happy to be here. Where do I sit at? Those are the ones I'm afraid of. Really? I can't wait to work a step. Oh, okay. Well, I think your sponsor is all the way in that corner over there. You know what I mean? And it's because I didn't come in here like that. I was just, I didn' t know. I didn''t know. This thing was scary to me. I didn ''t know what to do. I did'nt know what you wanted from me. What do you want from me? That's why I always ask my sponsor, what do you wan for me? I mean, okay, I'll work your steps and I'll climb your stairs. You Know what I Mean? what do you want from me? She goes, I don't want anything from you. What do you have to give? You don't have... I remember when my sponsor told me this, I was heartbroken. She goes you have no money. She goes You got too many ain't got nos. That's what she said. You got too many aint got nos to have an attitude. That's What she told me. My sponsor. A white woman. She said You got too many ain't got nose to be sitting. She was from England. Oh my God. To be like, have your rights read by somebody from London. It's just ridiculous to me. And she was like, you have too many ain't-got-nose. And I'm like, what's an ain't gottenose? What is that? And she goes, I'll say it in your language then. Ain't got no. And then I was like oh okay. She says, you have too many ain't-got-nos to have an attitude. You ain't got no home. You ain' got no money. You ain'T got no friends. You ainT got no house, no apartment. You ain''t got nothing. And I was like, wow. You said that with, like, an accent, man. You're right, I don't have any. So what do I do? Finally, my sponsor got to the point, because I told her, I said, you know what? With this whole civil rights thing and you being white and me being black, you know, this is probably going to be an issue. You know, with slavery and, you know, everything. I mean, you keep wanting me to turn stuff over, but you've got to understand where I'm coming from here. You know, this is a really white society here. And you're asking me to turn something over to something I don't... And she goes, Really? She goes, Who do you personally know that was a slave? I was like, Well, I don' t know. You know personally, I dont know a slave. She goes I want you to tell me right now a conversation that you carried on with a slave! I said, wait. You know, I don't know the wife personally. And she goes, well, until then, we won't be having this conversation again, will we? I was like, wow. Always after me lucky charms. You know what I mean? Always after my lucky charms you are. So, and she goes stop making fun of me, that's Ireland. I was, like, oh. You know, it's all the same to me. All the same to me So I began to do this stuff. So the first thing I had to do was I had get a home group I'm like, why I gotta get a home group? What's that got to do with me coming to believe in a power greater than myself? What does this got to with me Get a home group. But let me tell you first why I picked my sponsor. Cause everybody was saying, well you need to get a sponsor that you want what she has so I'm sitting outside the clubhouse and this woman pulls up in a candy apple red sports car I want that I want that, I could use that and then she had like a little Mr. T starter set you know what I mean I said, I want that. And then it's like, you know how when you're new and somebody in AA that's got some sobriety walk and they kind of flow. You know what I mean? She was had on this flowy thing. She's walking and it was just like she was just saying. wind was blowing lightly and her hair was blowing and this thing was blowing and I jumped out in front of her, I was like hey lady you want to be my sponsor she goes I'd love to be your sponsor I was Like can I drive your car and she goes oh my just keep coming back and so I hung out with this woman we were two totally different people two totally different paths but we both had this thing called alcoholism and she had a problem with black people and I had a problema with white people I had problems with brown people blue people and green people because I had problem with me I had to problem with everybody and me and this woman i'm telling you but i will i will never ever forget the time that she put into me and the depth that she went to show me that it was necessary for me to come to believe in a power greater than if i was to move to the next step and i started doing all this stuff so i'm making coffee at meetings. And I'm not happy making coffee. I just heard a lady say, you know, if you're going to make eight cups, you have to put eight of these little things in there. And that's what they used to always tell me. I'm like, why can't I just put as much coffee in here that fits? And then add some water to it. I mean, it's coffee, for God's sake. I didn't drink coffee. Let's just make it. And people's like drinking my coffee, going good. Lord, this is going to kill me. So I had to learn every single thing. I had learned you guys how to not be in this head that was directing my life and causing me to crash on a regular basis. I had learn how to be without this head. How can I get rid of these thoughts? Because I don't know about you. I thought, man, I thought people would say, what are you doing tonight, Angie? I'm like, I'm going home. I'm just thinking. I just need to sit down and think. We're going bowling. I ain't got time for bowling. I got some serious stuff going on here. And I would go home and I would sit like this. Until I got sick of my damn self And guess what I did when I got Sick of me He said drink Oh honey keep Coming back Keep coming back He was quick with it so he said just drink you take a drink that's what you do he's like aww somebody get with him that was great man oh he said coffee now he said coffee you drink coffee no I know what you meant brother so what I did when I got sick of me was I began to hear things that my sponsor was saying. Why don't you just get on your knees and just say that third step prayer. That's the kind of stuff she just get on you knees Angie and if you have a hard time getting on your just put your shoes right under your bed and when you go down to get them just stay there for a minute. And when I got so sick of me when I tried to call everybody there was to call and nobody was answering. I remember for the first time living my life with a dad who's a minister, for the first time getting on my knees for no other reason than I needed relief. I like in the book where it talks about in every man, woman, and child there's a fundamental idea of God. I never knew who God was. All I knew was what I had been taught by my parents and the one thing I love about sponsorship is that I remember I was having a conversation with my sponsor and I for the first time said I don't believe in that God that my parents keep telling me about she said honey you don't have to believe in that and I said but see they have this heaven and hell thing going on and it just don't sit right here it doesn't sit right in my spirit I don't want to believe in something like that and the freedom that came first of all from acknowledging the fact that I don't know anything about God I know what other people have told me but I've never experienced it for myself and I didn't experience it you guys until I began to do things for other people even when I didn�t want to. You couldn�t have told me to help and fold up chairs or empty ashtrays. I remember I went on a 12 step call with my sponsor. Man, I was like 60 days sober and she took me on a12 step call with her. We went into a bar and picked up a woman And when we walked in, it was like, cheers. Everybody's like, Angie! I had just left there 60 days ago. And it was like, Cheers. Everybody knew my name. I just couldn't, I didn't understand why we were going in that bar and getting this woman and taking her to a hospital. And she was in, I was in the back seat. The drunk one was in the front seat. My sponsor was driving. And the whole time, this woman is just belligerent. And I was sitting in the back and I was like, because I was a fighter when I got to AA. So 60 days, I ain't been, you know, I wasn't past swinging. I'll tell you about that a little later. About my first sober beatdown. I had many drunk, but sober it hurts worse. so we rode down to this detox center and the whole time this woman is drinking Mike's lemonade down in each and every one turning around to the back seat going what are you looking at I was like girl you better go in I'm somewhere with that crazy stuff drinking more and she's like I feel like just reaching then she was like this that's how she did from the front seat oh she's like you're lucky i don't knock your block off and i was like she said she was gonna knock the black off of me so i still don't have any understanding why we're taking this drunk woman on a long ride a ride period but a long one so she threatened me the whole time I'm sitting in the back seat looking at this woman I said I don't understand this at all then all of a sudden she said looked at my sponsor she goes you're closer I ought to sock you in your ear my sponsor pulled over to the side of the road put that car in park and turned around and looked at her and she goes we may have given up alcohol but we have not forgotten how to kick ass I was in the back seat like That's what I'm talking about Come on Let's roll Let's do it Let's Do it I'm ready She done talked about knocking the black off of me too Let's Do it I can't beat up too many sober people But she drunk I bet I could have that She pulls back on the road And we go to the treatment center The girl don't say another word she just drinks we get her there I looked at my sponsor in a whole different light see I would have not known how to pull over and say anything to this woman the first thing I would have did was swung but my sponsor merely stated her truth wow she said we ain't forgot well don't get it twisted we haven't forgotten you can't keep talking to us crazy I remember there is a God neither one of us are going to jail we dropped her off we came back my sponsor talked to me about turning my will and my life over to the care of God coming to believe that I could be brought back to some sort of sanity but I had to believe I was insane track record was conclusive I was insane anybody that drinks alcohol smokes crack and stares out a window for hours thinking that somebody's coming we don't know who it is but they're on their way anybody that drinks alcohol, smoke crack and run in the closet and tell all ten people that's in the room to get in the closet too because they're coming. That's insane. And they dumb butts are like, why are we in here again? They're coming and because I had been in AA I thought it was going to be like millions of white people with huge big books going oh we, you know what I mean? I was like, get in here! Alright, here's somebody walking through the hall people way back there I'm like I think that's my mother everybody down on the floor it's like we got to get on the floor in the closet ten of us in the bathtub what else gotta happen my will and my life be restored to some sanity am I insane absolutely anytime that I got my gas and electric bill in my hand and somebody else tells me, convinces me that candles would be better. Girl, keep that money. I got candles. And I'm like, you know what? Candles do work. I'm living in an abandoned building with a key. And I've got a key to my house. I'm calling it mine. I'm charging people to come in and drink In an abandoned building that don't belong to me But I had a key man Yeah go on in and have a seat They was like Okay Insanity Going without sleep For days Insanty I remember one time you just can't have parents like mine man because they I remember once my mother set me up I had been stealing out of my mother and my sister's purse so much I only came over on their payday and one day my mother stuck a 20 out of her purse slightly enough for me to see that it was a 20 and they knew I was coming so I showed up drunk I walked past her purse and I said Is that a 20? What's mine now? My mom comes out of her bedroom. She walks over to her purse and she said, Angela I need you to give me my money back. I was like, oh my god. You think I took your 20? I don't even believe that you think I took her 20. and I'm ziggy boo my eyes I can't blink I'm just crazy I can' t blink to save my life I'm jut like this oh my god I cannot believe that you think I should go 20 she goes Angela you took my 20 I just can't believe that your a minister's wife and accusing somebody as innocent as me of taking your $20 dollars. She said, Angela, I'm going to count to 10. And if that 20 don't appear, I am going to beat you like you stole something. I was like looking at my sister, can you believe that? She's like, give her our money back. I don't have it. Now I don' t convince me. Right? You ever done that? Like you have acted so hard that now you believe it. I have convinced me that I did not take that 20 that's in my bra. My mother hit me in the throat. Listen, like she was George Foreman. I was standing here and she was there. She said, Angela, give my money. Dude, that's how she did it. She tricked me. She said... In my throat, I was like... don't ever come in my house again yes ma'am am I insane yes absolutely but I can't come to believe in nothing if I still think that stuff's working in my life I have ruined every relationship possible I was insane and when I had that conversation with my sponsor come to believe thank God is a process not an event and for every time that I did the service work that my sponsor asked me to do wait a minute what y'all doing now what y�all doing what y''all passing around Oh, yeah. Yeah. Cut the piece. Oh, God. No, as important as that was I just figured it was holy gum That's why I wanted a pizza thank you so anyway I began to come to believe in the power of greater than and I began to listen to people's stories and I begun to hear a little bit about me but I had to be willing and that's what my sponsor told me from day one willingness is the key are you willing to believe that maybe just maybe there's something that can come into your life and help you become a better woman because that's really what I've wanted all my life you guys I don't know about you my favorite answer to my family was I don' t know Angie why did you drink that much I don't know I just did why didn't you stop I don' t know you know who had that same answer for me my son who's 31 who is now in prison for almost the rest of his life based on a decision that he made under the influence of alcohol and when I say well, honey, what would make you do something like that? He said, I don't know. Man, I understood that. I understood that I don' t know. The difference between me and my son is that I got a heck of a lot more chances than he did. He came right out of high school. Scouts wanted him to play basketball all over the place and he comes out and joins a gang and they do something under the influence that was that almost took the life of an individual and all three of them are in jail it's been in there for a little while, but the one thing I'm grateful for you guys is that in institutions people take meetings and all my son needed was for you to bring Alcoholics Anonymous to him for him to see that he got a drinking problem. And I'll be forever grateful for that. And so when we do talk, when we do write we write about stuff in the big book. I send him prayers but man had I not been willing to at least be able to hear something other than what I thought I would have never come to believe in a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity I believe today that I have a little sanity. I'm thankful for that. But I know that this process doesn't stop. That's what I love about AA is that it's a continuum of learning, a design for living. That what I did yesterday, that's cool. But what I do today is even more important. What I do today is the deal. My sponsor always asks me, did you help somebody today? There's a song I heard it about maybe about a month or so ago and it's called It's a Beautiful Day. You could have never told me that I would be tapping my foot to some country woman singing about a beautiful day. but once i became willing to come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity things started to look different and you know why things looked different they were still the same but things look different because i was different folding up a chair chair in a meeting going into a jail i remember the first institution meeting i went into they had the little thing that you walk through, the metal detector and it dinged when I went through it. I was up against the wall in like two seconds. Everybody else that went with us was like really Angie? I mean as soon as it dingged I was like Really Angie? And they're all looking at me and I was Like oh okay I know y'all ain't never been to jail right? But the longer I did service work and the longer I do service work. You know, right when Robert called me and asked me to come down here, I think it was like maybe a week, maybe two weeks later, I got offered to do a comedy gig. That was going to pay big money. Big money. Man, I stared at that date on that calendar. Prayed to God. God, you know I'm broke. now I think what you would want me to do God is go on and get this money and then I thought about the conversation I would have to have with Robert and not that it would have been crazy or anything but just the fact that I would be making a choice to change a commitment I came to believe by committing and following through with that commitment no matter what because we're undisciplined people. My sponsor said your word is your bond. When you tell these people you're going to come to Atlanta to speak I don't care what's up you go to Atlanta. I'm like did you hear how much money I said? She said I don'T care nothing about the money you go to Atlanta I got six dollars you go to Atlanta okay here I am and I stand here in front of you and I'll tell you what it ain't no amount of money that can make me feel the way I feel while I'm in the loving arms of you guys priceless because I know what I get from you today and the love that you sending up here my way can't get no money for this man all my life you guys I've been trying to find somewhere to fit in to be a part of man to be somebody's sister to be everybody's friend somewhere when I walk in you glad to see me man people wasn't glad to see me in the end so I've come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity and as the result of that I get to keep coming in man and getting filled and filled my heart gets full every time I get to be with you guys I've never met any of y'all this is what I'm talking about that came to believe I've never met any of y'all but I bet you we could sit down one on one and have a conversation and talk as if we'd known each other all our lives that's because he says where more than one is gathered I'm there so I get the gift as a result of coming to believe as a resort of being willing to as a result of being able to look at my track record seeing that it's conclusive I get the opportunity as a result of coming to believe in a power greater than letting that power direct my life and I'm going to tell you something I could have never did it the life that I have today I could've never created all I wanted when I first got sober was a job in an apartment and a car that ran most of the time. And what I've gotten is so much more, man. What I've got is so much more. In 2005, I got a phone call. Phone call said, hey, this is so-and-so from World Services in New York. We were wondering if you'd be the opening speaker at the International Convention. I thought it was this guy named Big Book Tony. I was like, man, quit playing on my phone. And about this time, they had a caller ID. So I ran to the bedroom and it said New York. And I went back to the phone and I was like, my bad. He said, we heard your CD. And Bob Darrell had sent it to New York and I wasn't going to Canada because they said felons couldn't get in. So I was like, well, I ain't going. I mean, anytime my felons can't get across the border. And he goes, I need you to call this guy at the Canadian consulate. I need to do this, that and the other. And the day that I was leaving to go, it came in the mail and said, welcome to Canada. Me. I got 26 felonies. And God said, I got something I want you to do in Canada. and I went over there, man and I went into that stadium and it was empty and I thought this is cool. This is nice. Master turf. And then the Friday night opening it was packed and I'm in the green room going what made me think I could do that? Why are they setting me up like this. So I had to melt down in front of one of my sponsees. She's patting me on the shoulder, I'm crying for my mama. And I walked out on that platform that night and it was a life changing experience. And I've gotten the opportunity to speak in countries all over the state. Just a place I'd only seen in brochures man. And I believe that I had to be restored to some sanity for the power that I believe in to ever bless me with something like that. Okay, we're going to take a break. See you in a few. Thanks for listening.