Bob D. on the Spiritual Malady, Agnosticism, and the Working Hypothesis — Part 3 of 11 — Sandy B.

You get a cop in your rear-view mirror with his lights on, you've got conscious contact. The one is experiential and the other one is theoretical. And Alcoholics Anonymous, because our very lives are at stake, is trying to take us out of the theoretical and into the actual. Into a faith that works. That we actualize. On page 46, it talks about two things that are so simple. My big fear in the years I was in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous, my fear was is that I thought that I couldn't get sober until I believed. And see, I'm not wired that way. I can't believe something because you tell me. I mean, even if I know I should, I am such a skeptic. I think emotionally I must be from Missouri, the show me state. You know what I'm saying? I can't do it. I'll placate you, tell you I believe. But the truth is, doesn't mean I'm convinced in here. And I thought I had to believe and I don't. I have to do these two things. In the middle of page 46 it says, Yes, we of agnostic temperament have had these thoughts and experiences. Let us make haste to reassure you. First thing, we found as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice. Well that sounds simple, doesn't it? But it's not really. Because the problem, if you have an ego like mine, you have, what's prejudice? Prejudgments. And if you have an ego like mine, you can have a whole bunch of judgments and not realize you have any because those aren't judgments. That's really the way it is. The ego is incapable in the middle of a judgment wondering if it's wrong. I don't know, have you ever been judging something? Is this awful or terrible? In the middle that thinking, oh, that could be wrong. No, you're right. I mean, I'm thinking it must be right. So what happens is that I have all these prejudices and I don't know that I haven't been. Some of them are unconscious or subconscious. I found one to be very common with most of us and that is a deep-seated, unconscious sense that God judges us. A deep-seated, unconscious sense that on my very, very worst day, the day where I just did something I'm very, very ashamed of, at that moment, God's not going to be there for a guy like me. Now, that is not a conscious thought. It is an emotional, unconscious sense and all the education in the world all the intellectual knowledge that God loves me they told me that and I know God likes etc. doesn't really change that emotional disposition that it seems somewhere to be tied to my sense of myself which is where the unworthiness comes from Father Martin one time said that when intellect and emotion are in conflict with each other emotion always wins I can intellectually know God loves me but if I feel unlovable I turn away from the light I always did I was over in Florence a couple years ago and I went and I saw a statue of I'd heard about and I really wanted to see it in person a statue of Mary Magdalene by a sculptor named Donatello I have a picture of it later at the break if anybody wants to see It and when I went to see this statue and seeing It it almost, it just took my breath away I remember walking into this room and I didn't see It at first and I saw there was a big crucifix on the wall and I turned and then I saw Mary Magdalene it was unbelievable here's a statue unlike any depiction of Mary Magdalen you'd ever see this is not a woman with pretty hair and long robes and very beautiful this is a woman who has been beaten a woman that's evidently suffering from malnutrition a woman dressed in rags dirty filthy rags a woman who someone had kicked her teeth out and there's these broken little stubs a woman who had a sense and a continence of shame as if she'd been turning nickel and dime tricks on the back alleys of the Middle East for years and she's standing there with this her head is tilted just a little bit and her hands are like this So they're not in prayer. There's a hesitancy in her hands as if she doesn't feel worthy to pray. And she's looking up, and I look to see what she's Looking Up, and she's Looking Up at the Crucifix with this expression on her face as if She was saying to God, This could be for me? For me? And I'm standing there, andI'm looking at the broken teeth where she's looking and the hands I just start sobbing I couldn't help it in a public museum and I'm not a public crier and I am standing I couldn' t help it, I am sobbing because I am looking at this is my very soul as I came to you this sense of unworthiness because that is how I think most of us come here this could be for me. After all I've done, all the people I've hurt, the disappointment I've wrought, this could mean for me? And then the second thing it says, if we can lay aside our prejudice and express even a willingness to believe. Do not have to believe, but can I express a willingness? In other words, make a demonstration. Act as if. And what Alcoholics Anonymous asks guys like me to do is not to believe, but let's position ourselves in life as if this God you don't believe in exists. Let's do what the scientists would refer to as a working hypothesis. Let's see what happens when I start relating myself to life as if behind the fabric of the universe there's some sort of power that's there to help me. And little demonstrations like physically getting down on my knees and praying to something I don't even believe in as of yet. Starting to talk throughout the day to something that I don'T even think is there. And an amazing thing started to happen to me from the moment of approach from the moment I started to act as if maybe there was something there something started to materialize in my life it was uncanny and I'm a skeptic so the first 20 coincidences in my favor did not convince me but eventually I can't tell you how many times in early sobriety I'd be wacky about something I don't know what's going on I just feel horrible and my head's spinning. And I'd go to some meeting and there would be a stranger there talking about what's going on with me. I can't tell you how many times I'd be starting to sink into another depression and the phone would ring and there'd be somebody in there having a problem with something and thought, found my number and wanted to talk to somebody. I remember one morning I went to work and my boss disrespected me. And I am enraged. he said some stuff to me I just wanted to punch him but he was a boxing commissioner an ex-Golden Gloves champion I'm angry, not stupid but I'm going to quit my job you can't do that to me I'm sober here I have rights whenever you hear an alcoholic say he has rights look out I'm not a doormat oh, look out or the one that should be engraved over the portal to hell It's the principle of the day. Oh, Jesus. I'm about ready to destroy myself when I say things like that. It's my right. See, I'm not a doormat. It's a principle. You can't treat me like that! I'm sober here. And I got this intuitive thought that instead of going to lunch and I was planning on going to launch and coming back and quitting my job maybe I should go to this noon meeting. and I got in my car and I went to this meeting that I'd hardly ever been to and I get in a couple minutes late the meeting's already going on and I'm not even in the room I don't think even a minute or two and there's some stranger in the meeting and he's telling a story about how his boss had asked him to do something but he didn't do it and his boss had to pull him up on it and confront him about not doing what his boss asked him zu do and how it hurt his feelings and he wanted to quit his job and he called his sponsor up and his sponsor said, no, you don't quit your job. You go make amends to your boss because you were wrong. You didn't do what he said you to do and he's your boss. And I'm sitting there and he is talking about exactly what had happened to me. And I am sitting there and even though I felt this big case of how I was disrespected and everything, I could see myself through his experience and I sat there and realized I don't have to quit my job. I've got to go back and make amends to my boss. And I remember going back to work and I was scared to face him and make that amends because I always feel like if I make amens I'm going to be weak. And I went to my Boss half in hand and I said to him I want to tell you I'm sorry you asked me to do that and I didn't do it when you asked Me about it I gave you a lot of excuses and a lot OF crap and I WAS WRONG. and he put his arm around my shoulder and he said to me he says, kid everybody makes mistakes and he went and told me a story about how he'd screwed up when he first got into the business and what had been the absolute worst job on the planet the job I am going to quit just like that became what a really nice place to work now the question is Who orchestrated all that? Who's pulling the strings that got the sense in me to go to that meeting? Who brought that guy there on that day to share that exact same story? Who's pullin' all of this? If you ever go over to Europe and some of the big cities in Europe, London's a good example. There are parts of the city of London where the streets are lit by gas lamps. And years ago, before they had the technology and the electric starters, what they had was a guy or several guys who would go up and down the streets, let's say of London at twilight, and they'd have a key and they opened a little door on the side of the street pole. The pole would help with a gas lamp and they turned the gas on with this key. Then they'd reach up to the pole with a flame on the end and they light the street light. And you could go up to the top of the highest building in London at twilight and look out over the city, and you could not see where the guy was lighting the lights. But you could see where he'd been. And I could sit in a meeting of alcoholics and I was two years sober and not see what God was at that moment. Man, I could see what He'd been in my life. And I was very fortunate to have been pushed into 12-step work and into the trenches, taking meetings in the detoxes and places like that when I was new. And there you get up close and personal to the hand of God. That's where you really get to see these hopeless cases be brought back from the abyss. And see, I could see God's hand in my life. and I guess that's the only way a guy like me who is wired the way I am with the skepticism and the cynicism that I have I guess it's the Only Way a guy Like Me could come to believe is I started acting as if God existed and He started to materialize and I tell you something in my sobriety I've had periods where I once again unbeknownst to me, taken an agnostic stance in life. You know what an agnostic stance is? That's where you're going to meetings and talking about how wonderful God is and how you've turned your life over to God and God's in charge and then you leave the meeting, you go to work and you act like you're in charge. I become the hypocrite again. And from the moment I start getting into the driver's seat what happens is the presence of God starts to fade in my life. And I think that's why Alcoholics Anonymous is an action program. The more I act like God's in charge and he loves me, the truer and the realer that becomes. And the more I acting like I'm in charge, he starts to fake. Kate. Excellent, Bob. I'm Kate, alcoholic. That story about the gaslight has always been one of my favorite stories that Bob tells because I think in AA we have such a tendency to be storytellers, and that's how we do so much relating. And this particular chapter, personally for me, I didn't touch this chapter for years because I didn'T think I was agnostic. I'd always believed in God. So, you know, when you are handed the book in AA, I don't know about you, I missed formal education. I cheated my way through school. I was grateful to get a diploma, but I got no education. And then when I come into AA, they hand you a book and you go, oh, you've got to be kidding me. You know, and back then there was no got it on tape kind of deal. We were still barely getting out of eight tracks. So that was not a good plan for me. I didn't comprehend well, you know, the run-on sentences, couldn't spell. I could read, but I couldn't comprehend. And so I skimmed over certain things and I really basically got the wee agnostics out of AA meetings and big book studies and still never really got it. But I love, it's one of my favorite chapters in the book now because I understand that I was never atheist, but I have current agnosticism. And that translates to me as, I don't think God can handle this one. I'm going to have to take over. And that's self-will. It's like, you know what, God, take away the drink problem, but I've got the kids, I've Got the job, and I've GOT my marriage. If I need you, though, if it gets bad, I'll call on you. But, otherwise, I'm pretty self-sufficient. And it's what I was talking about last night. I have relied all my life on self-will. I left home when I was 15. I'm a woman. Well, I was a girl back then. I pushed my way through school. I mean, I am so driven that it's like what Bob was saying about the water is, tell me I can't do it, oh, back up. I'll do it. I'll doing and more. And, you know, I was using the example of the watermelon in the pool. That came to me. I love the way the book always says when we look back, we see this part of us. And I remember we had the neighborhood pool. You know, it was the 60s and they threw that greased watermelon in there all fast leaned up. And they said whoever can get it out gets it. And I almost drowned. I remember almost drowning and determined that I was going to get that watermelon out of there. I did. And, you know, I don't know if I ate it or anything, but I remember being under that water thinking, You're going to drown and be in that driven. See, when the book talks about being driven by a hundred forms of fear, God's not in the picture anywhere. Period. Not anywhere. And this chapter is explaining that he is the source that I must have. And I don't know about you, that was not good news. That was not bad news. When I was sitting in my first AA meeting, and I of course was going to work the 12 steps right off the wall. I mean, you people may need to write them. You people may needs to do a little bit more, but I'll just sit here and read them. And check off, yep, yep yep yep. And the truth of the matter was, when I saw God, I went, oh, great. We're in a cult. I knew it. It's a cult to whack down people all Jesus freaks, you know. And then what I ended up grasping out of all of that and how the book lays out so beautifully is that this chapter says to me, all I've got to do is be willing to believe. I don't have to at that moment. You hear a lot of people in AA say, I'm on my second step. What does that mean? What are you, you waiting for the white light? You waiting for it? You waiting from the burning bush? It ain't going to happen. That drink will come way quicker than that burning bush. We're so confused in this area, and myself included. When I say we, I'm always including myself in this deal. And what I like to do, I've been in the fitness business for almost 30 years, back when, you know, Jack LaLanne was the hottest thing in the world, and then, you Know, 30 years of fitness is a long time. Now it's kind of expected, and you should work out, and you shouldn't do this, but not 30 years ago. And I tell people, I go, I'm in the fitness business. And you can tell by looking at me, I am in good shape. If I told you that I am capable of getting you to lose 10 pounds in one month, give me one month and you work exclusively with me. You follow what I tell you to do, what I tells you to eat, you show up at the gym when you need to. Do you believe that I could pull that off for you? That is a question I am asking you. Yes, you don't even bat an eye. Absolutely. You are in the business business, you can do that. Well, that's what we're bringing to you in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm just asking you based on my life, drunk to drunk, knee to knee, eye to eye, you believe you can have what I have? Yes. Then let's move on. See, that makes it simple as I make it for the new guy. Because we're just convincing you to follow that your power is not working. Period. If you think you're going to have some clear-cut message from God in this step, it's not going to happen. I mean, yeah, sure, you can possibly have the white light experience, but the odds are pretty slim. And if you sit on this step God could have a bullhorn screaming in your ear and you wouldn't hear it because you're so blocked with these prejudices that it's talking about. And prejudice to me is also old ideas. My old ideas almost killed me. They can kill you in sobriety too, right? And one of the things that I love is on page 44 when it's talking about what Bob said to be doomed to an alcoholic death. That is the turning point. The book uses the term we stood at the turning points. Now the only problem with the turningpoint is there's no arrows. You don't even know you're at the intersection. You just have pain. How many of y'all know that one? Yeah, when you're in pain, you're actually getting ready to either turn into self-will or God's will. Now, today, I prefer to turn into God's Will. I may give it a whole day of self-Will until I'm, you know, beaten down. But the truth is, is I turn much faster to God's Well. And that's what the book is constantly referring to, Turning Points, page 25 also talks about it. And as we go down to the bottom of that page, it says if a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism. Oh my gosh. I mean, how many of you guys started out with this moral fiber? Right and wrong, your parents taught you well, and then you stole some candy. Kind of fun. A little bit of thrill in that. And I got it. And didn't have to rely on anybody. And then the next thing, and then you start pushing that envelope. Pushing that envelope for women especially with sex. You know, you talk about incomprehensible demoralization. I was gripping with Bob and Charlie one time about the power behind women and making the decision for sex, right? We say yes, it's on, we're on. and Bob said I was out there doling it out but nobody was taking the you know over here Bob you know we girls just got to go you want some sex absolutely you want you want some sex ladies we're like no thank you see when you talk about when you're talking to women and you're talking about that code of morals we go down we go down hard and fast behind sex Just the way it is. Not that you guys don't, don't get me wrong. But that starts checking off faster and faster for us. You can't pour enough booze in us to take that pain away. Morals? Take away my children? Tell me that you're going to take away my kids if I can't stop drinking? Check it off the list. See, kids cannot sustain sobriety for you. They can darn sure get your attention. Oh, it'll get your intention. And the world sits there and looks at us and goes, you could give up your children? Absolutely. Absolutely. That's alcoholism. My passion is to work with the women in Family House back in Austin because we've got a government grant that says if, well actually I don't know if you guys know this, most of us are beyond the childbearing age, thank you Jesus, But in Texas, they have a – oh, I was going to go down another road. I decided not to. No, I'm going to. Let me get buckled in. I swear, I just cannot figure out why you guys can still be shooting the real deal at 80 or so. Do you know what I'm saying? we get a cut off you should get a cut off too don't you think so okay I said it so rebuttal yeah rebuttle rebuttable but so in Texas what we have is the government or actually I don't know where if it's a state deal or what the law is on this but if they believe that you might be a mother that's been using drugs or alcohol they can drug test your baby And if you do, you go into the hospital and have this baby. Bam! In comes a social worker and says, You either go to treatment or we take your baby. Isn't that something? Yeah, that's a wake-up call, isn't it? Now how would you like that information when you've got no desire to quit at all? And they go, Here's the gift. You don't get it. Yeah, it's pretty painful, isn' t it? And your parents are going, my God, you're going to drink behind that baby? Absolutely. See, if a mere code of morals or better philosophy for alcoholism, it'll get my attention, but it won't sustain sobriety. And so we go on and we say, down on page 45, second paragraph. It tells us right there, I think God did a beautiful job about lack of power. I'm going to jump on to the next paragraph. Well, that's exactly what this book is about. It's telling us right here. This book is getting ready to take the journey. it says its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problems now I don't know about you but I'm going to assume the majority of our brains all think alike in here it says did that just tell me that God's going to solve all my problems all my troubles it doesn't say God's gonna take away the drink problem and you better take it from here matter of fact you're gonna have money problems you're going to have relationship problems, you're gonna have kid problems. The old idea that I believed is that when I got sober, I was going to be problem free. I don't know where I thought that. Did you guys think that? You take away the drink problem and I'm gonna be fine. Well, that could mean that I'm going to lose a job. That might mean that rent's It's looking pretty tight. Might mean my kids get sick. I didn't think that. And when those problems started coming at me, I once again bellowed up with self-will. I've got to fix these problems. And when the book says, we'll solve your problem, I want you to know that that's also discussed on page 45, or excuse me, on page 14 and on page 63. You might want to make a little note of that. I might have 14 wrong, it might be 20. I'll tell you later, don't write that number down yet. Is it 20? All of a sudden I went blank on my we'll take away my problems. Oh no, it's page 14 isn't it? My friend emphasized the absolute message. Yes. And so what we're moving towards is that God will solve our... Page 13, thank you. I knew I was close in that area. The bottom of page 13. My friend promised if these things were done, I would enter upon a new relationship with my creator. That I would have the elements of a way of living which would answer all my problems. And that's what this is moving us to, right? Well, the only problem is it's getting us off the mark of all of our old ideas. One of the other things is we have at the bottom of this page, page 45, it says it starts to talk about our childhood God. And I believe Sandy B does such a spectacular experience about sitting in church with his sister and looking up at the crucifixion and seeing Jesus on the cross. And he's got his sister sitting next to him, and he thought, Oh my God, I want nothing to do with these people. They basically nail you to a cross and leave you. and his sister went on into that same religion and I don't know what religious denomination it was and just became a huge part of her life. Isn't that funny? But the two of them would be sitting there, blood related and one's experience was one way and another was another. And my childhood God was, I was raised Catholic and I do not know about you but we drank and partied And it was in the early 60s, and he was still speaking Latin. And I don't know what you think about that, but that's where you just want to pinch your sister, flick a booger on her, try to get her attention in any way you can to gether to laugh out loud at church. I mean, didn't you feel that way? I'll reach over there and pinch her and upset my father. That was what church was to us. You had to wear a little doily on your head. And I didn't get all the semantics of the deal. And then I remember my mother taking me in there and saying, you need to go into the confessional. And it's that little room in there. And I remember thinking, what is up with this? And she said, just talk about everything you've done wrong. And I went in there, and I thought, okay. And so I went on with it. I stole this, andI did this,and I lied, and whatever, And I waited and I waited and nobody said anything. And I thought, oh, I am going to hell. This is not good at all. And then all of a sudden I heard this voice. He goes, my child, begin. Forget it. I've already said it. See, and he wasn't even in there. And I went, I got no sense, dude. I'm out of here. And I got anything, you know, say several Hail Marys and all of this and I got out and I thought Hail Mary, Hail Mary you know I mean I so didn't get it and I went through Sunday school and everything I just don't I don't get teaching I don' t do the teaching thing well but you can sit here and tell me a story and I get that see that's why I think once again drugs just we're storytellers and we tell stories and that ties it in and that makes that paragraph come alive And that's what I just absolutely love about Alcoholics Anonymous, is I get this loving God. You tell me to do the work, I follow the work. But I just didn't get that other stuff. And once again, in AA, I believe that I got a lot of my AA for the 10 years I was in untreated alcoholism in meetings. And I hear people say, I'm a recovered Catholic, you know. And I thought that was so funny. And then I read Re-Agnostics where it clearly tells me I don't get to get away with that line. Right? It says we don't gets to bash religious people. Matter of fact, we need to see what they have to offer us. It's amazing what happens when I read the book. But some of the other things that I was sitting over here thinking about was the new guy in AA will, especially if you're on the firing lines and you're working with a lot of people boy do you get an insight of what Alcoholics Anonymous is really about if you don't do much sponsorship I hope by the end of this weekend you do because that's where you learn A. how to carry the message and get in touch with this power one of my favorite lines is got myself all mixed up on my pages here I believe it's page 14 and it says at the very bottom of the page and we're talking about spiritual growth right, we're talk about we agnostics it's just saying just trust it says my friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs particularly was it imperative to work with others that's pretty important he's telling you right there all right, as he had worked with me. Faith without works is dead. It's the action that Bob's talking about. You can have all the faith in the world, the 12 and 12 says, and leave God completely out of the picture. Right? You've got to have the action. And it says, and how appallingly true for the alcoholic. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life, most people assume there's a period there. There's not. It says, through work and self-sacrifice for others. He could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. So it's telling me that I'm going to grow so much spiritually by helping you. I didn't see that coming. I didn' t know that. I thought it was all through this prayer and meditation hall. That's a very important piece of the work. But it's a piece ofthe work. I grow so much when I see you bring a problem to me that is me and it's like oh I am so blinded to self-centeredness but when you bring it to me God gave us the beauty to be able to see it in you I don't know how that works but I could take that same problem to a counselor that wasn't one of us and you know what they'd say well let's talk about your feelings and, oh, we're entering a dark, dark spot, right? But you take it to another drunk and they say, so my problems are of my own making. Let's see where we can go with this. And that is where God, the power of God is so unbelievable in Alcoholics Anonymous. The new guy doesn't know that, first of all, they don't give us enough credit for having a solution and they don't know how much trouble they're in. They do. The delusion of this disease is unbelievable. When somebody comes to you, they show you all their problems, right? The new guy got all their troubles here. They astonishingly pile up on them. Probation, going to take my kids. And we know the problem is alcoholism. The problem's not the probation officer. The problem's not, it's the outside circumstances, right? See, God will take care of all of that if we stay close to him and perform his work well. And that's, we're just trying to get you on this path. Man, just step a toe in that water. Step from bridge to shore. The old ideas, the prejudice, the current agnosticism as I like to refer to it, Somebody had coined that term, my dear friend Mark Houston coined that term current agnosticism and I remember when I heard him say it I thought what? Current agnisticism? You're going to have to explain that more to me. Prejudice. Believing God can't do it. The ego. Old ideas. Oh my gosh, I have so many old ideas. I have whatever all through my life. I just picked them up and put them in a bag back there, just drug them all through life. And the only way I really know I have an old idea is if you bug me. Right? You bug me bad enough for me to pick up the phone and call my sponsor. And she pulls out my old ideas. I go, son of a gun. You're exactly right. There's another one. Women should, men aren't. Kids ought to be. The world is this, politics are this. You know? It's unbelievable. And I've still got so many more that I'm not even aware of. And that third column in a four-column inventory is what's going to pull up my old ideas. We had to let go absolutely. That's what this chapter is all referring to. Most people assume prejudice is based on skin. It's not at all based on skin. But we use that term because in the 60s, for us That was what it meant. There's a lot of words in the big book that if you get a 1935 dictionary, you'll be blown away at what he meant by them. But we hear a word. There's an old idea. You know, I have so many prejudices. Bob knows well enough, the male and female. Don't even get me started, you know. And don't think that I cook just because I'm a woman. I don't. I love to mow the yard. You know, I mean, you talk about old ideas. People come together. Two drunks come together all. Well, it's just fireworks. We come together with old ideas and mine are right. I love the line in the book where it says, The victor only seems to win at war. You know people always say in AA, I always love this line, Would you rather be right or happy? I want to be both. I wantto be happy and right. And I'll tell you I'd rather be happy. Oh, I am so lying. I am so liable. You know, who isn't? And you know, when it says the victor only seems to win at war, it's like when the sponsee calls you up and they have got that justifiable done wrong. And it just amazes me because it's like, well, the truth of the matter is it could be a bloodbath. And I do believe you're probably right here. Is this the battle you want to fight? Is this a battle where God's going to take away your difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those you would help? Because that's what we're working towards, is take away my problems so that I can help you. It's not take away My problems so I feel good, and then I'll want to help you, see, that's how I always understood that. See, I've got problems, man. I'll help you when I take care of these problems. But I'm really of no value to you until I take care of those problems. Does that sound familiar? And God says, whoa, no, no. Let me take care of your problems. You go help my kids and then you'll look on your shoulder and you don't have those problems anymore. How did that happen? See, lack of power. That's what It's tying it all into. And, oh, Bobby, put your watch back on. Thank you. I was glancing over at your watch. So here's the other deal. With this, we agnostics, we are completely blocked, like I said. If God were sitting right next to me, if he were the human, the vision that we have is always that childlike God. Talk about needing it to be cast away. It would be no different if I went up to him. I quit believing in any sort of God at nine. My mother died when I was nine, and back in the 60s, everybody said God needed her. That was the catch-all line in the60s. Do you all remember that? Whenever anybody died, they'd always say, well, God must have needed her, I thought, well he can kiss my, you know what I mean? I needed her and I just shut it off right then. I thought I'll have no business with you, Santa Claus, God, that kind of deal, And what I began to understand is that it would be no different if today, at 52 years old, I go up to a 9-year-old and go, hey listen, I'm trying to grow spiritually. You got any insight for me? Because I need the God of your understanding. Can you help me out here? Because that's what I did. When I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous, I brought that 9- year-old God with me. And that's who I operated on. but you see the insanity if I were to go up to a nine year old and go what do you got for me you know what's the God of your understanding help me grow here it's amazing it's that childhood every the rest of us grows you know when we go back and look at our old elementary school doesn't it look teeny yeah it looks teeny all of this and yet the God of my understanding gotta stay right there I'm not budging off that mark That's still the same. Everything else may look very different, right? Well then, the other thing too is the book will refer to so many times as the willingness. The willingness, guys, to me, this new God of my understanding that I'm getting ready to learn about, I'm on the journey, I'm trusting that whatever it is, is out there. This willingness opens the door. That's all we ask. And I love the way the book ties all of that willingness, willingness, willingness into this deal because without it, it's like the key, the spiritual key. I don't necessarily get it, but it says on page 47, second paragraph down, it says, We need to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe? talk about that's all we're asking are you willing to be open to this idea and we're not asking you to understand it but that willingness in spiritual law is the difference between self will and God's will God said I made you so special that I gave you self will unfortunately we I mean, alcoholics are an extreme example of it and we don't know it. But we take that level of self-will and we burn it down, right? We burn it now. We are a tornado roaring through the lives of others. We destroy everything in our path over and over and over again, right, and that's the place we have to come back to is saying, so you want me to surrender this self will for God's will this is going to be a tough piece of work wouldn't you agree I mean we're not sitting here if we didn't think this was a tough job so all I have to do is be willing to try to believe that this God's power can grow and that self will begin to drop down and that's what happens now it resurfaces but it'll go back down and you get a lot of this pendulum swing right but it eventually comes back center it always does I think too one last thing I want to end on before we're completely done with this chapter is give me one more second page 50 the promises are all throughout the book it talks about an attitude that we have to have a new attitude well I always looked at that word and thought I got a good attitude let's go on right? I mean wouldn't you certainly think that that's it well it says on page 50 is here are thousands of men and women worldly indeed they flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a power greater than themselves to take a certain attitude towards that power. So it's an attitude towards that power, it's not an attitude on life, it' s not an attitude on it's a pretty day, it is an attitude toward that power and to do certain simple things which is talking about the action. See like I said, do you guys believe I could get you to get in pretty good shape in a month if you followed my lead? You absolutely do believe that right? But if you sat here on your butt and did nothing and the other half went out there and followed my lead, they're going to have the results. Because it's talking about the action that's going to be the meat and potatoes of what we're getting ready to talk about. So it says you have to have a certain attitude towards that power and do certain simple things. There has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of total failure of their human resource they found that a new power, peace, happiness and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements. Once again whenever you're working with that new guy, which I always love that big book studies are designed for you to be able to help the new guy. That's what this deal is about, right? is carrying this message on instead of not just only for me but so that I can take away my difficulties so that i can help the new guy is it's telling me right there in that second step we're just asking you if you're ready to do the work do you believe that that first step is your problem do you have a hopeless condition of mind and body that that allergy and that mental obsession are going to take you down such a terrible path and we're going to offer this God of your understanding and now we're getting ready to get into the meat and potatoes of it. Thanks. Let's take an 11 minute break. I'm Bob Darrell, I'm an alcoholic. Hey Bob. We're goingto break at 12 noon from 12 to 2 for lunch I'm told that there are some things about different local restaurants over there with some coupons and directions etc etc ready? oh yes so ok lack of power is our dilemma we saw that if we could lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe that we'll commence to get some results but I think for most of us those results are transitory how often we see people come into the program and they will they'll get through the step two or step three wall and all of a sudden, okay, they've gotten rid of their prejudice now and now they're willing to believe in God. And there's a sense with some of us at that point that we've arrived somewhere, right? And it's really only the beginning. It's really только в начале. Because what will happen inevitably is that whatever surrender has occurred will evaporate in time. And we will be blocked again from God. So how do we access that power? Well, it's really through a process that's designed to do just that with the remaining steps. And on page 55 is a vision of exactly what will happen to us in steps 4 through 9. And it's a vision about how, where and when we will access this power. Years ago, I heard a story probably 30 years ago. And it really defined what had happened to me in about seven years of relapsing in Alcoholics Anonymous. And the story was about this young boy who lived on a farm out in the country. And they were self-sufficient. and one day he was out along the front of the property on the highway mending fence for his dad and he looked up and there was a telephone pole along the road and on the side of the pole was this big bright yellow poster and it said circus and had a date on it that was in a couple weeks away and onthe poster it had pictures of clowns and lions and he didn't know what a circus was but it looked like it was something very exciting and it said price of admission was a dollar. And he went back to the house and he was excited. He said, hey Papa, there's a circus coming to town. If I work hard, can I have a dollar and go to see the circus? And his dad said, well sure son. The day of the circus came and he wasn't going to go. He was up before dawn. Did his chores and his dad gives him a silver dollar and sends him off into town. He gets into town and he gets up to Main Street and there's this big crowd of people on the main street. And because he's a little kid, he kind of weasels his way up through that crowd, gets right up to the curb, and as he gets up tothe curb, coming down the street is this parade. And leading the parade is a bunch of clouds and they're juggling stuff and they have brightly colored outfits with all kinds of makeup and big red noses and weird hair. I've never seen anything like it. Behind the clouds were these beautiful white stallions and these women were standing on the back of these stallions right down the street. He'd never seen anything like that. And behind that were this wagon with this giraffe's neck sticking out the top of it. He'd Never Seen a Giraffe. It was just amazing to him. And behind the giraffe were wagons with cages with lions and tigers and bears oh my and he's just enthralled and more acrobats and more clowns and then elephants a whole bunch of elephants riding down the street with people on top of them and then finally at the very end of the parade is this one little clown he's kind of dancing around down behind the last wagon and the little kid realizes it's the end and he has the silver dollar and he shows it to the clown and the clown tips his hat the kid doesn't know what to do So he throws the silver dollar. The clown catches it, puts it on his head, bows to the kid and dances down the street. And the kid goes home excited to tell his dad about him seeing the circus. The problem is he never saw the circus He never got into the big top. He only ever saw the passing parade. And I was seven years in Alcoholics Anonymous and I never got in the big pop. But I was part of the passing brigade. And sometimes the passing parade is the parade on its way to the graveyard. And I was part of that. And the sad part is I didn't know that there was more here. I didn'T know because if you're suffering, whether you're brand new sober or you're 10 years sober, and you're sufferING from alcoholism, and your emotions are just on you, and everything that it talks about on page 52. It says, having trouble with personal relationships, couldn't control our emotional natures, a prey to misery and depression, couldn't make a living, had a feeling of uselessness, were full of fear, were unhappy and couldn't be of real help to other people. That coupled with what Silkworth referred to as we become restless, irritable, and discontent is a pretty good description of what it feels like having alcoholism without the benefit of any type of emotional anesthetic. And if you're suffering from that Or maybe you're brand new and you just burnt your life to the ground and you're full of hopelessness and remorse and depression. And you look at the steps. There's never been a case yet of an alcoholic in that position looking at the steps and going, oh yeah, that would work, yeah. The steps don't look like they'll work until after you try them. Until after you tried them. and you don't know that the power is there until you know that the power is here you don' t access God until you access God and what happens to most of us it talks about this in the 12 steps and 12 traditions is that we are brought here not by virtue I don't even think it's our decision it's through a lack of alternatives and circumstance there's like nowhere else to go you've tried everything haven't you and there you are it's all failed absolute collapse of all human resources and on page 55 it starts to tell us or give us a vision of what we're going to find in steps 4 through 9 It says, actually, we were fooling ourselves. For deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. Deep down within me. I remember watching Chuck Chamberlain after he spoke at our intergroup meeting and I was standing in the line to thank him. And there was a guy, a couple people up ahead of me in the lines that asked Chuck when he got up to the head of the line said to Chuck where do you find God? And I remember Chuck tackling with this funny little laugh and pointing at the guy's chest and saying he's not lost he's right in there. I used to hear the old timers talk about listening to the still small voice of God within. I remember one time being at a meeting I wasn't sober very long hadn't worked the steps yet and I just started praying I've been praying a little while and this woman talked about how she'd just like to be alone without the TV, without the radio just her communing with herself in God and I remember thinking yeah, that's good I'm going to go home and be quiet just commune with me and God and that just sounded like a great thing to do and I went home and I just didn't turn the TV on, no stereo, just me alone with me and God. You know what happens to me with untreated alcoholism? When it gets quiet out here, it gets very noisy in here. And I don't run into God when I go inside me. I run into Legion. I mean, I just, it's like, wow. 30 seconds, I'm turning the TV off. I can't take it anymore. So what's this about? Everybody says that this thing is inside them And I don't run into God inside of me I run into just a massive, crazy, insane clamoring Well because this thing inside me Is blocked from me And the book says it may be obscured It may be blocked By three things And oddly enough These are the three things that are addressed primarily in step four. The first thing is by calamity. Bill Wilson uses the word, the things that caught him off from God are worldly clamors. I'm a guy who likes calamity I just, I get it, I like excitement. I like the edge. I don't like going over the edge but I like to view from the edge I'm the kind of guy that goes to an amusement park and they might have one of those make you scream and think you're going to die roller coasters and then a little merry-go-round I won't even notice the merry-ground I saw that roller coaster from the parking lot whether I go on it or not it's got my attention if I'd have walked in here this morning and set a half gallon of vodka on this table and then a bottle of milk everybody in this room would have seen that vodka Some of you might not even notice the milk, but you'll see the vodka. I am one of those kind of guys that just gravitates towards that kind of stuff. I'm a producer, as it says later in the book, of confusion rather than harmony.