Bob D. Addressing the Illusion of Control and the Spiritual Malady

About This Speaker Tape

1977, a halfway house in Pennsylvania. Bob D. is washing dishes and cleaning rooms, feeling like he is doing time. He is a "pretend human being," a man who spent his life chasing the magic of a pint of 151 rum to silence a spiritual malady—an incompleteness in his center that existed before he ever took a drink. He describes the wreckage of a life lived in the grip of a progressive illness: shooting meth until he dismantled car dashboards looking for FBI microphones, and later, the desolate reality of urine-soaked pants and sores that wouldn't heal.

He speaks of the "diminishing returns" of the bottle, comparing the attempt to recapture old highs to paying rent on a house that has already burnt down. After a final, catastrophic hit-and-run in a borrowed car, Bob finds himself in jail, unteachable and unsponsorable. He details the collision between his inflated ego and the blunt truth delivered by an old-timer named Woody, who saw a man insisting on staying at the helm of a shipwrec...

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Timestamps

• 0:00 Bob D. opens with his sobriety date: Halloween 1978.
• 4:15 Bob describes the 'pretend human being' facade and the relief of 151 rum.
• 10:30 The transition from alcohol to meth and heroin to reproduce the 'pint of 151' effect.
• 16:45 Discussion of the 'phenomenon of craving' and the inability to stop once the engine is revving.
• 22:10 The 'I know guy': Bob explains how the ego grows during sobriety and leads to relapse.
• 28:50 Laughter: Bob recounts the pathetic nature of his blackout drinking and the Bruce L. story.
• 35:10 The 'last drunk' and the hit-and-run in a borrowed car.
• 42:20 Meeting Woody: The encounter with a 'creepy' do-gooder who tells Bob he hasn't hit bottom yet.
• 51:15 The 'cowardice' that saved his life: Bob's realization on the bridge.
• 58:30 The five habits of survival: meetings, prayer, reading the Big Book, service, and transparency.
• 1:05:10 The hospital encounter: Bob helps a sick alcoholic and experiences a spiritual awakening through self-sacrifice.
• 1:15:40 The redwood tree metaphor: the necessity of intertwining roots to avoid toppling over.