Big Book – Mad Dog Recovery AA Speakers Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – 1997 – Mark H.

Yeah. Get you a little current, baby? I don't doubt that. I don'T doubt that Oh, yeah, I can't start until Mark gets here. Thank you for two, please. A couple things and then we're going to have some fun. Inventory's fun. I have found out the hard way that I am responsible for seeking God. Nobody will do it for me. My sponsor won't do it, my group won't doing it. I'm responsible for Seeking God. I'm responsable for writing inventories. I'm resposible for the fifth steps. Attach yourself to God and God only. You are responsible and you will be responsible one way or the other. Every promise in the big book has the other side of it. That is if we don't do this, there's also something else that will happen, right? I prayed misery, depression, all the stuff on page 52. But you're responsible for seeking God. Nobody else. Don't give yourself over to anybody or anything. Screw the messenger. What's the message? What's what's the book say? Don't let anyone ever read your big book for you. What do I mean? Met a meeting. Guy says, I'm on the third step. I go up to him after me and I said, what do you mean by that? Have you done the first three steps in their prayer? Yeah. Well, how long would you do a third-step prayer? I did it a month ago with my sponsor. I said, why don't you write an inventory? My sponsor said to take my time. I said screw your sponsor. This is what the book says. We're talking about your life here. If your sponsor's telling you stuff that's not in the book, screw him too. We're talk of living and dying. We're taking conscious contact, the glory of God. You're responsible. It's in the Book. Don't let anyone read your book before you. Beware of sponsorship. It's a deadly game. It's a deadly game. Men and some women I've worked with, they'll tell you how I sponsor out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Joy calls me whining and says, well, did you pray? Open your book. Why would I do that? Because his life depends on it, that's why. There's killing things going on in Alcoholics Anonymous, the last thing I want to do is stand before my maker and have him say, I'm real curious why you decided to share your program with people. It's not your program, it's deprogramming. If you want to work your program, fine. Just don't do it with me. It's depogramming. Right? Killing things going on in alcoholics and autopsies don't be a part of it. I've had to make amends for some stuff I did until I was shown the message in here. Make amends to some men that I sponsored. They said, You don't believe in God, you're better. I sure didn't give it to you. I didn't sit down with you and work with you out of that book. I mean, some of the insane stuff you hear None of it is in the big book. At least if you know the big book, you get to decide whether or not to believe it or not. Follow me? So I'm going to tell you again, do not let everyone The other thing about sponsorship. You're killing sponsors when you put them in some kind of a, you know, my sponsor said. That's why I sat down with Andy with five months in Troy. I don't care how long they've been sober. If they have some experience with the steps, God will manifest through them to help me. Talked to a woman the the day she called me she's 22 years sober a lot of this stuff going on today this woman sponsored seven people she's got a fifth step her sponsor hasn't done the work in years she don't know who to give the fifth step to because none of the people she works with know her she's standing all alone in alcoholics anonymous has a home group speaks i said my god you see what your ego has done to you i said are you willing to do something she said yeah i said all right here's Here's what I'm going to suggest that you do. That you write that inventory and you pick six people to do fifth steps with, make sure about three of them have two years or less. You see what our ego's done? Well, I've got to find another sponsor, but it's got to be sober longer than me. I know people in AA who are 30, they say they're 30 years sober, they've taken a six-month experience and repeated it 60 times. I don't want anything we have. Beware of sponsorship. There's killing things going on now for all its anomalies. What's the book say? I mean, we're the only kind of people that'd be like, hey, hey. We're gonna rewrite the Bible. Well, I know what it says in John, but forget that. Let's follow him. Don't let anyone read your big book. All right? You're responsible for seeking God. It's in the book. It's a good thing. It's not in the Bible book. If I say anything here today and you can't reconcile with the book, forget it. Right? Stuff's important. Stuff's real, real important. Why? Well, sponsors die after a while. I see that happen a lot. Sponsors die just like this man or woman's walking around paralyzed. Why? Because guess where they put their dependence? Attached to God and God only. Right? To God and to God only, not to sponsors, not to groups, not the big book, not A, to God. Right? Live and move and have your being in God. See? You can't have my experience. I'm trying to give you tools, get you excited about having your own, right? So let's go back. I'm going to show you how I write inventory. I go through the first three steps. I don't just sit down with a pen and paper and start on the fourth step. I told you what happened the last time I did that. I want to tell you how powerful this program is. I haven't been married in three years. Judy loves to know. People who've done fifth steps, they know there's a God when that's going on. I didn't wake up one day and decide to keep married a lot. Driven, driven. A friend of mine said, Mark, you know, it's okay just to date him. Date him? What does he mean by that? There's a God. He works. So here's what I do when I sit down to write. First of all, it gets a class act. we're seeking real power here treat it like it's a class act get a new noble get a ruler sit down I go from the ABCs to the third step prayer why? because I have my chain of steps 1, 2, 3 don't I? A. I'm an alcoholic can't manage my own life B. no human power C. God couldn't would if he were soft and then I'm shown how any life run on self-will won't work and I'm showing the root of my problem I'm reinforced on my third step decision I state the prayer and then i ask god to help me go into a state of consciousness to write inventory See, there's different states of consciousness. Some of you will know what I mean. There's a state of consciousness you should be in when you're driving your car. Now, we're not always in it. How many of you have driven somewhere and got there and don't have a clue how you got there? Trust me, that was not the state of conscience you were supposed to be in. So I do this every time I sit down to write. I say, God, help me write inventory. Now, I'm going to do something with this theater of lie. I'm gonna take a piece of inventory I wrote. so we talk about a resentment inventory we make a list of people, institutions and principles that we're angry with by the way I've already done three inventories this year I just did a fifth step Wednesday night I'm talking current stuff that myself will has me up against I'm not talking about the past current, current stuff so in column one I had a I'm now at forgiveness yes so he's now an ex-friend his name is Mark he was in column 1 column two be very very specific in column two don't avoid truth what do i mean i've done fist tests with people and they'll go i'm mad at my dad why well he was never there for me and i'll say well what do you mean were you born did he leave well no he worked a lot well then what he worked a lot because your ego would love to tell i'd love to walk up to everyone saying my dad is never there but that's a lot right be specific so here's my second column on art Art and I have been friends for eight, nine years I let Art use my Visa card he ran up about $1,500 I let him use my phone calling card said he was going to use it a few times to the tune of about $500 now bottom line is Art owes me $2,200 and the SOB has disappeared won't call they'll return my calls and I'm just a loonling that's somewhat of an understatement I'm going to describe what happened by the time the consciousness hit me that I was getting a shaft here so now I get to my third column now based on what I wrote in the second column what I want to do let's see, Andy you come here there's a line in the big book when you get done writing looking at your first three columns the book spends a page and a half talking to you about we considered this third column carefully and it goes on to talk about that resentments block me from the sunlight of the spirit and it goes on to talk about in that state the wrong doing of others fancy or real has the power to kill and you remember I gave you the word condition we're going to look at the causes and conditions that made us drink and under condition it's called a state of being well I want to talk to you about the state of been I experienced behind this resentment and I want show you what I was fighting what I up against right so this is mark alcoholic right i'm right here so in my second column the first thing i wrote was my friend art so there's a state of being called friend i have a concept of how i think a friend would be so troy you come up you're going to play the friend here's what this is about in the state of bean of a friend i haven't idea what a friend should be how a friend should act sworn blood oath friends never lie friends are there for each other friends pay money back. Friends do this, friends do that. Okay? That was one of the state of beings. Now here's another state of being. It's in every man I've ever met and every woman and that's a part of us that wants to defend us and kill someone when we're angry. I'll call it Rambo. Gus, come on up here. You all know what I'm talking about. You threaten any of these states of being and there's a party that wants to kill. What do you do when you're free? Run or fight, right? I don't know about running, so Rambo. That's another state. Now here's another State. We're talking money. Money, money, money right? So I have another State of being. Joey come on up, you'd be money. What is this State of Being is about? Come here, just stand right here. The State of Beings is I need money to be okay. I need to be financially independent, right? My State of Been is determined by money. Now some of you think you may have problems with this. I'll give you one way to check it out. How do you feel the day before you get your paycheck versus the day you get it? The damn endorphins just go off when you get another. This is killed out. This state of being kills alcoholics. Got to have money to be okay. Got to be out of debt, blah, blah. Right? Another state of be. Now there's another state of been. I'll have you play that. Come on up here. This is called the victim. Every drunk I've ever known has a victim. this poor guy he's got a he's a strange duck he's a combination of a real alcoholic has one objective drink as much alcohol as possible till the day he dies and a very spiritual man in here so I want to tell you exactly what happened to me I've written a bunch of inventory around already done a fifth step and was being moved to that state of forgiveness and then I got another little phone bill for about $50 and I'll tell you exactly what happened I'm walking back from the post office box and I'm opening this thing and Rambo the first thing Rambo the first think I thought of because I know where Art's at is I envisioned knocking down that door taking a .38 shoving it right down his mouth knocking his teeth out saying I need to talk in a very spiritual way and I walked along a little bit further and my friend Art my friend Art, my definition of how a friend should be this man was devastated when Art did what he did and did not fit that state of being that's life threatening to him isn't it you understand what I just said what Art did in this state of been Art's saying, this guy don't exist. He's fighting for his life. Now I wasn't in the victim state yet, right? How do you think the state of being called money was doing at this point in time? Definitely wanted to hook up with Rambo and kill that son of a bitch. But before he died, he wanted his money. Because for him to be okay, he must not owe a dime. People must pay him back. Now, in the middle of all this, what's the alcoholic saying? Screw it! Let's go drink! Screw it, right? And I had just enough of a sense of awareness that I better go run. My blood pressure is amping just a little bit here. So I'm going for a run. And then she showed up, the victim. I'd done so much for him. How could that son of a bitch do that? You see what I'm up against? You see what I'm fighting? You see the tragedy of the ego? Multiply this one resentment times 100. And you're walking around living this all day long. This is what we're fighting. This is the tragedyoftheego. Now, where am I self-seeking dishonest and afraid? There's a few things you don't know. One is in order for the friend to exist, he's got to help everybody, right? the friend has known art is not responsible but the money person because he wanted to become a multi-millionaire in the construction business said yeah give me the visa card we need you to get the job selfish self-seeking period where did it come from? It came from this right here that and print totally I've known this guy 8-9 years he's never paid back a dime to anybody and the money man says Yeah, but God, we can help the world when we're wealthy. So let's give them your Visa card and your phone calling card. That's a great idea. Right? And I did. I did selfie, self-seeking, dishonest, fear. Now look at the fear of the money person's in. Right? Get that Visa bill, 19.8% interest. Every time I look at that, Rambo says, let's go. if you don't write inventory and you don' t ever see this and you multiply this times everybody in your life you understand what you're up against you understand why people drink why they blow their brains out this is what you' re up against and then I did that fifth step we begin to look at where self is self seeking dishonest and afraid and now there's another whole dilemma here which produced a lot of shame in me I'm the spiritual man at peace with the world love my neighbor as myself. And I couldn't pull it off. I wanted to kill him. So the spiritual man's very existence is threatened and right in the middle of the office, I like saying, screw it, let's go drink! You're all laughing because you've all been there. This is what the hell you're up against. I would hate to think if any of you sit in this room trying to sit here and live today off an inventory you wrote last year, let alone two years and three years and four years ago, because you can take this one example and multiply it times 100. And this is what we're up against when you're living a life driven by self-will, a state of being. Follow me? You know, in AA, we talk about the group, the group committee. Hell, we've all been in group therapy for years in a car alone driving down the road. What do you think, Rambo? Go to Dallas and kill him! That's what I think. Money person says, oh God, where's the next investment? You know where's my return on investment? Some of you that have been too damn busy to go to AA and do the steps and help others. Who do you think's driving you through the day? Gotta get up, gotta go, you know, see my wife, make love with her five minutes, gotta get in the shower, gotta go to work, you don't... And you think you're making choices around that? Bullshit. It's a state of being, a condition. And anything that threatens this state of be is life threatening to me. Follow me? My God, what a horrible way they have to go through life. Make sense? Thanks. Give him a hand. Okay, I'm going to do another thing in the life of somebody. Give me a woman, give me a moment, give a moment. Where was that smart-aleck gal who talked to me about inventory spot? Come here! Inventory spot. By the way, just so you know, I can take anyone in here. Sit down. Do you have anyone you're resentful at? That didn't take long. I can tell already she did a bunch of drama in high school. Okay, don't be afraid. It's okay, we're not going to hurt you. Who's in column one? Is it a man? Oh, good. Is this one of like 11-y kind of things? It's not? Okay, what's in Column 2? Be specific. Oh, I'll bet you we can help here. What are you angry at this guy for? Touch it. Okay, all right, that's all right. That's good. Men, men, this will be good. All the women are going, yeah, yeah. A little inventory work for some of you, I can see. Okay, men. What's column two? what are you upset about men for come on ladies help her out a little give her some what do you mean okay okay so column two would be would be uh uh men don't take care of my needs properly okay all right men don'T take care OF MY NEEDS PROPERLY we need come on back up here joy okay good we're gonna name her in just a minute why else why else you present for the men they'll men will abandon me okay well not not taking care of me well i'd be a victim no i need another one come on up here yeah this this is going to be the victim this is gonna be the her role did you hear what she said men won't take care of my needs needy woman, needy, need needs, need woman here a state of being for her to exist she has a long list of needs here bastard take care of and then we have of course the victim they abandoned me see the great thing about what I'm going to show her is when we do the third column you turn the second into a complete lie. When you're doing inventory the way we're talking about the second column becomes a lie and I don't care what you've written in there. It becomes a lot. Why? Because all of my troubles are my own making where myself is self-seeking dishonest and afraid. Okay, why else about men? don't do what I say is that what you said don't do what I say okay so we got they don't take care of your needs we've got that one right oh I like this they will abandon me remember when I told you she's an agent of God and has these belief systems what kind of men do you think she's going to attract so they'll abandon her and now I can't trust them see if there's anything else do you have a specific man in mind you're just trying to generalize with I'm sure you have a little more experience it's not going to be just kind of whipping out here can't trusted, they'll ban me they can't take care of my needs emotionally unavailable does that ever make you mad emotionally unaviable they lie liars right? Thieves, liars and thieves. Okay. Anything else? We're getting some good inventory here, aren't we? Okay. What do you say? The user. Boy, I'll tell you what. Are you seeing the state of being that's most prevalent here? You seeing where all that's coming from? What does she need to exist, to be? She needs to remain a victim. She needs to be abandoned. She needs to not trust. She needs to assume no responsibility for her life. Wow. Selfish, self-seeking, dishonest and afraid. Now in the middle of all this, we have a sex goddess that's out there. Come on up here. Come Come on, come here. You don't have to do anything. You don' t have to anything. Because trust me, these men didn't just walk up to her one day and say, Hi honey, how are you? I'd like to take you out. Right? So there's always within every woman. And trust me the sex goddess has only one agenda and it's not spiritual in nature. Right? Okay, anyone pick out any other states of being behind that? She doesn't trust men, right? She doesn'T trust men. Now here's a whole nother piece going on. In order for her to say those things, what she'S doing is coming at it from a judgmental state. What she'S saying is, I'LL never abandon. You can trust me. I'Ll never lie. I'II take care of your needs. So she'S got another state of being that's pretty much got your shit together, right. Yeah. come on up here and be the self-righteous spiritual of course right that and self-richteous and martyr Good point. Now let's do something. Let's go to a third column. We're working with six or seven entries in the third column, starting with self-esteem. Who am I? It's a state of being. Who amI? Right? So what's our third column going to start to look like? Now again, let's look at the second. You can't trust men. no one should lie to me. Second column also is they will not meet emotional needs, right? Will not meet emotional needs. They will abandon me. So self-esteem, who am I? I'm a self-righteous woman. I will be there for a man. I would take care of his needs. I could not lie for him. I will not abandon him. Self-esteem. Who I am. Right? I'm a poor victim. I'm the poor victim, right? To be. Both states are going on. And we've got the little sex goddess who has one agenda in mind, right. Honey, once you've experienced me and taste the waters of the Nile, no other water will quench your thirst. How do you... You think the sex goddess' state of being isn't threatened if somebody abandons her that's experienced her? Follow me? Whoa. See? A man who's experienced these and leaves threatens her entire being, right? So what's her part? What's her party? What's the fear? Fear. Remember the book talks about fear? We set the ball rolling. Fear of probably being alone drives her to go see men now she gets into all this dynamic, where's her dishonesty because here's the truth, not all men banded there are men you can trust, there are men who will be there so what she's saying is not true you follow me? but if you don't look at it in the third column, she's going to go through life with a belief system with that belief system, what man could ever go out with her it's like if she's really going to do it here's the way to do it. She'll walk up and say listen Mark I find you attractive. I'll tell you what I'll make a deal with you. What's that? If you will not take care of my needs abandon me and lie to me I'll go out with you right how could she ever have a relationship with this dynamic going on with a man she can't she can and the biggest one I've heard is number one self righteousness. She sees Boy, would I like to listen to your fifth step. She really believes she's never abandoned a man. And she really believes she's always been there to take care of his emotional needs. God, that's a whole nother... You can do a whole other inventory around that. You're looking for anyone to takecare of your emotional needs, you're screwed. That's your responsibility. It's not a man's responsibility, it's your responsiblity. Follow me? But as long as she doesn't assume that responsibility, she can keep blaming men. She is responsible. Follow me? Wow, that's a whole new ball game now. Follow me. See? Bingo. Bingo You see what she's up against? I understand because these beliefs because these states of being are still going on within you. They all need to die. Why? What did God tell us? Love me, love thy neighbor as thyself. Here's what God wants me to do. He wants me to be kind, loving, honoring, self-sacrificing with you. With these states of being going on I can't do that because every interaction with you means I want something. Kind, loving, honoring, self-Sacrifice and love thy neighbor as thyself. With this going on that's impossible. You understand what I just said? Can you love someone so much if they want to leave that you can let them go with dignity? know in full well that that's what they've got to do? Well, you can't. Bingo. You can't do it. It can't take place. With these states of being going on, do you also hear what she said? Remember when I talked about I saw kind of this stuff in inventory so I went eight months and I was going to become celibate to be a monk, and then I got married in five weeks. See what she's doing? Both are extremes themselves. She looks at this, lives in her second column, says that's what's going to happen, so goes over here and says, screw him! Her little sex goddess rambet rears his head. So he'll leave. You hear what he just said? I just saw this in inventory. I submit to you that if this doesn't die if she met a wonderful man and there are many of them don't kid yourself women if she had a wonderful man who would be there and be honest and not abandon she would drive that son of a bitch away so fast to make his head spin because there's a part of her that's the victim in order to exist must be abandoned I was when I did this inventory Wednesday night and I was telling Andy and Troy, and they had some similar experiences. There have been three women in my life it's like God must look at me and say, how many more do I have to send to you? Wonderful, wonderful women. God-fearing women, honest women, wouldn't cheat, wouldn't betray, wouldn'T abandon. And you know what I did with all three of them? I literally woke up one day and said, I'm out of here! And yet every inventory looked just like hers. She abandoned me, she abused me, he abused me. Let me tell you what happens in Southwell. This is a great example. Judy knows this lady. I walked up to this lady and I was being driven by Southwell and this is what this woman said to me. She said, hi, my name is Carl and what I'm going to do is I'm gonna be the most abusive human being you ever had in your life. I'm going to take your testicles where I'm around my neck. I'm gonna put you in so much pain you're gonna wish you were back in Vietnam. And because I was in self-will, you know what I heard her say? Mark, I'm the will of God for you. Mark, I will be here until the day you die. I will take care of all your needs and never abandon you. I'll worship the ground you walk on. And three years later when I got my nuts back that's what happens when you're driven by self-will follow me see this is the tragedy she's up against if this stuff don't die if she met a man who would meet a sane and sound ideal she would drive him away because there's a part of her called the victim that doesn't deserve a man like that god the tragedy of the ego it's incredible just incredible does this make sense see see that's the great news my troubles are my own making I absolutely know if I continue to do this God will move me toward wholeness if he wants a woman in my life to grow old with to love to be with that will happen I absolutely know right faith hope I know that that can happen thank you give me a hand Inventory is fun. Inventary is fun, right? See, when you write inventory this way, one of the things I do when I get to my third column is I try and ask myself what state of being was going on here that created this resentment, right. Let's do another. I want to do one with I guess we'll do it with a man. Any volunteers? Oh, come on up here. When you ride inventory and do a fifth step, you detach from those states of being. That same woman that wore my testicles for three years, actually that's not true, I gave them to her. but it's easier to tell you that she took I was talking about the power of us but I want to make a point of something I kept doing this work and what I will tell you is that woman and I have made amends and I pray for her every single day and I wish her well all the days of her life and we're talking horrendous pain and harm aren't I June? Horrendous that's what this program does show mercy follow me you do enough work with inventory you get pulled out of those states of being forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. You're not doing work with one through nine, that isn't going on, you're in that state of being. That woman with that I started working with at 29 years of sobriety, I've never seen anyone so tightly compartmentalized in my whole life and breaking her apart was absolutely incredible. She had Miss A.A. None of them knew the others existed. They were strong and rigid. You had a mother, children would never or paying her enough respect, and you had to miss AA, and you didn't like God as a pro. That's why she's on her fifth time through the steps in two years and why she has so much peace today because all these states of being die. At one, one with God, at one with yourself. Now, let's do another one. You have someone you resentful at? Okay, man or woman? A man, okay. What's column two? What are you mad about? Okay, you weren't born. They didn't give you what? Okay. Any other reasons you're mad at him? We got some inventory here. Okay. What else? Now, Troy, come on up and play the... I pick on Troy. He has a state of being around money that's real strong that has to die. You all hear the one state of be? We've heard a lot about money here. For him to be, for him to exist, certain things must go on. He must get his money, anything associated with money, must be paid on time. Why? Because he gets terrified if it doesn't happen, right? So that's one. Now we have another called the employee of the century. Come on up here, Bruce. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah! This is a gal who's ridden the inventory for years because she didn't get an employee of her life. Oh, he casually throws in it's my father. Bruce, come on up and play the son. Come on up and play the son, the good son, prodigal son. This is like a story in the Bible. You got the one who went away and did what we did, drank, raised hell, did all that, came home, you got the other brother to stay home, work, did all the stuff. Then the dad said throw a piece and he turned around and said, what? Where's Bob? So we got the son. Son who helped his father. Got that. We got the money man. We got misemployed. Of course, we also have sitting in the chair the same thing. We have the alcoholic and the spiritual man. By the way, I haven't done something that I meant to do. If you do not write inventory, when it comes to amends, you can take these states of being and they'll give you reasons why they're not going to make amends let me go back to my first example with art if i never wrote an inventory forget about ramble making a man that don't exist in his belief system what about the friend if i've never seen them would the friend have to go make amens no why because he took advantage of me the victim in there would the victim go make him ends of course not He's a victim, right? With the alcoholic? Forget it, Jack. The only one who might even consider it might be the spiritual man, the member of AA, and he would probably say, well, if I ran into him in an elevator someday, maybe. Follow me? As long as those states of being continue to exist, you'll never go make amends. You'll never be able to forgive. And they all come from states from Southwood. Now, are there any other dynamics any of you have seen in here? we got the good son right got that employee that hard worker honesty say what I do do what I say see he's judging isn't he and then we got this state of being around money anything else then we got the drunken oh yeah of course of course we need a victim come on guys so you see where second column came from So here's what happens. First of all, you've got this employee who's doing all this good work and not getting any recognition for it. For that person to exist, must have recognition. State of being around the money, must have his money. To exist, to be, to be okay, not going on. Think that person isn't a little mad? Of course then there's a victim. Then we've got the good son, right? Some of this stuff fit? Now, Now, let's look at selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid. Why did you choose to go to work for your dad? That's the only thing he could get at the time. He chose to go to work first, Dad. Now, you didn't just meet your dad, did you? He's probably known how his dad's acting for years, but because of fear, selfishness, and self-Seeking, he went to work for him anyhow, because it was going to be different this time. He's just like me and my friend Darby. his life for nine years. And I say, the money man says he won't buy this time. You start to see it in your part? Bingo. So all of a sudden you start to look at what we're looking at and all of the sudden the second column's a lie, isn't it? It's a damn lie. You follow me? But if you don't do inventory he's going to go through the rest of his life eating his dad. you see what you're up against these four are fighting for their life it's a state of being the third column is a state of being if you get nothing else get this it's a state of being and in that condition you will go drink and multiply this times 50 resentments or 100 resentments and we wonder why we go get drunk and we're restless irritable and discontent you can get the feel for this this is the tragedy the people of the life. These are states of being that come from self-will. That's why the big book says, Mark, in that state, fancy or real, it has the power to kill you. Why? Because in that stage I'm blocked from the sunlight and the spirit and I don't care how long you're sober, you all got them. It's your job to find it out. Don't care how long you're over, you're screwing someone over, your job is to find it out, to find it out because it's not right That's why. Because you'll drink. That's Why. Does it make sense? You starting to see this? But inventory is fun. Now let's go back and say, let's say you never saw this and I'll give you an example on the amends. Tell me why you won't make amends to him. I went to work for him. I helped him out. Did him a favor. Yeah. Of course, we've got the hard-working employee, right? Screw it! He ain't getting no five-day credit from me, by God. Right? And then we have a victim going to a lot of different AA meetings saying what? My dad cured me off. Right in the middle of all this alcoholics say, Let's go drink! Let's Go Drink! we'll show him if I get drunk remember the line in the big book in the 10th step we've ceased fighting anything or anybody even alcohol anything you're fighting you're fightin' alcohol don't ever think anything different you're Fightin' Money you're Fighting Alcohol you're Fighterin' Relationship Problems you'refightin' Alcohol this is the tragedy this is why less than 5% of us will die so and if you're not doing a lot of work 1 through 9 how in God's name are you ever going to see this? You know, he's sitting in his family. Give him a hand. Thanks. It's an inventory. You write a lot of inventory. Right? But the more I do this, you know, when Troy and Andy and I did that fifth step Wednesday night, I said, my God. And then I'll tell you something else that happened to me in the middle of that inventory. Thank God that God is a merciful, graceful God because as I sat and listened to the three of us and I thought about the pain we were putting out in the universe to ourselves and to other people. he said thank God it's a merciful God and when I'm in self-will that's the kind of stuff I do suddenly cuts him off from his father wants to blame the father and he's the one that's selfish and self-seeking dishonest and afraid look at the pain that it causes right God Almighty if you're not writing inventory you'll never see this how in God's name can you love your neighbor as yourself how can you be kind loving, honoring self-sacrifice shit you can't hated that about knocked me off my feet on Thursday the more I do this the more I get in touch with that there's a cruelty in alcoholics that comes from ignorance from the battery from alcohol and drugs and I mean a cruelty cruelty that comes from the battery you've taken from alcohol and drugs and the more work you do at this step the more that can stop the more that can stop it's in the fifth step doing the fifth step write an inventory like what we talked about and do it with men and women who understand let me tell you something about the fifth step in the big book. It says it's life and death. You know what they're talking about? They're talking about the death of self-will and the life of the child of God. You're doing this fifth step because people don't understand what we're doing up here today. How many of you ever done this written inventory in the third column? We'll do a he left or she left. And under self-esteem, you wrote I felt bad when he left. You ever done that? All you do is write in the first column from the state of being that created the damn thing to begin with. You never see anything. I do fifth steps and people understand what I'm trying to get at because my very life depends on it. What life? A life with God, in God manifested through him. The death of self. Big Book gives you a bunch of instructions on who to do fifths steps with. Those of you if you haven't done inventory for a while please, I beg of you, go through, write some inventory find four, five, six people go read the inventory to them. You won't believe what happens to you because you totally disconnect from those states of being. It's awesome. It's incredible. You literally feel yourself being pulled away. Pulled away. Next day after we did that fifth step, Andy, it was humorous because he'd go into meetings and people would talk. And Andy's one of these guys who's been around AA for like 25 years. Got like five months, right? And once he heard the truth, I mean, he's heard more BS than 10 of us together. So he'd be going to meetings and what his ego would do is someone would say something. He'd say, I'd like to get a newsie and shoot that guy. He's lying. And his head would do that all through the meetings. And after we did that fifth step, he went to a meeting Thursday and he said, I only had one thought in that meeting of killing somebody. Why? Because he disconnected from his ego when he did that sixth step. Sixth step, you look at all these defects that come from self-will. You make a long list of them. Are you willing to let go of them? Are you unwilling to let go of this stuff? Do I think God can take them all now, every one? If not, I ask God to help me be willing and then I give them to God in the seventh step right my creator I'm not willing you have all of me good and bad see the seventh steps for me particularly in the last two years is becoming the experience of all of be good and that all of you do enough work with one through nine any self-righteousness you have or spiritual pride will sure go away quick what you start to get in touch with is how common you are with everyone else your oneness with everyone else how much you fall short in thought word indeed you take that to god in the seventh step you connect with god in the seventh stepper now we make our list of amends in the eighth step and we begin to go make amends from the eight step into the ninth step we connect with our fellow brothers and sisters to achieve that one one but have one with God myself you free to go anywhere so any describe something we went to a meeting last night everyone there that meeting was new and they both talked about how they were able to come to a town and meet a whole bunch of new people and sit in the house in the meeting totally at peace and ease if we hadn't done that fifth step monday trying to drag any hearing he would have been no no he would have be terrified how come he can sit there last night in perfect peace and easy see why because of the work that's happening detached himself touch with his true so. And now I make my list of amends, and now I go out to connect with the world. I step past my pride, step past my ego, step past many defenses to set right the harm that came from self-will. Right? And I go make all these amends. All of them. For any harm that comes to mind that you put out in the universe, of any kind, there's something you can do. I don't care if you stole a candy bar in seventh grade. Trust me, I wish that's the only amends we had to make, but let's tell our friend at the end of the day, you know, we don't mind making amends if we just hate paying the money back there's six pages of instructions on a man that cover everything they're very specific so much freedom in getting free you know there's an analogy i heard one time that i love it describes me so much when i'm starting to work the steps i'm like a little field mouse in a tall field of hay and all the bot scars behind me are all the harm i put out in the universe. So I'm pulling a lot of them. And I get to the ninth step and I get through my amends and now what happens in the tenth step, I've entered the world of spirit and now all I'm doing is I'm seeing the world through the eyes of an eagle. Little bit different view I think. See the first nine steps as a result of experiencing the death of self-will, pulling away from self- will, a sense of true self, child of God, you know it, you don't believe it, you know it, a connection with God and your fellow human beings. That's why it says in the 10th step you've entered the world of the spirit. Your next function is to grow an understanding of effectiveness about what? In the world of the Spirit, being guided by Spirit. And then those incredible 10th-step tools. 10th Step's not about ego, it's about good. There's a little story that sums up the 10TH Step better than anything I can tell you. A friend of mine, he's got a number, the guy's kind of mean, he'S got a cousin, a little shy up here. they have a horse range. One day the uncle's sitting there and he's shooing some horses, he's got a horseshoe and he've got it in in a hot bed of coals. Throws it up on the table. The guy that's a little short comes in, the uncle says, pick up the horseshoe. He went down, he picked it up, dropped it real quick. His uncle said, that's hot, isn't it? And he said, no, don't take me long to look at a horseshoot. That's what the 10th step is. When that forced self-will comes on you, we watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When that force comes on you turn don't look at the horse you turn turn to god turn to good get that force away from you the eagles gather where the mind goes when you set yourself in fear turn remember the instructions in the book of the tenth step we watch we ask we turn then you can begin to experience tenth step promises what we've ceased fighting anything or anybody even alcohol if you haven't done the first nine steps, don't even begin to read ten. Because you can't do anything with it. I could spend the rest of my life picking up the ten step tools. The ten step tool says along the line of his will. If your soft will is still intact, you can operate in the universe along thelineofhiswill. How can I best serve thee that thy will not might be done? Along that line, I can do anything. Anything. The line of whose will. Talks about a new sixth sense. powerful stuff in the tenth step. The tenth step is like an abyss for me. One of the things I do with that, some tools I'm working with, I carry little three-by-five cards with me. And on that three-bye-five card I'll take one word which is a spiritual tool and I'll work with it. Watch. Watch is a spirit. It's a spiritual toolbox for what? Watch for ego. Watch for self-will. Watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, fear. When I see it, ask God. It wants to remove it. Ask is a special tool. Turn to someone I can help. smile in an elevator open a door, turn get the force away from you take God seriously, don't take yourself so serious 11th step prayer and meditation meditation to me the heart and soul of the whole program sit at one with the Father with the glory of God sit in meditation with a quiet mind because of the work you've done sit in meditation prayer and meditation 11th step talks a lot about thought life think about this God's given us all free will right free will is dictated by your thought life what if your thought like centered in self whoa then your actions are going to come from that state the whole 11th steps look how many times the 10th 11th set talks about thought life a thought life centered in God see you keep doing the work in 1 through 9 what happens is God can manifest through you his goodness, his love his patience, his kindness will show up in spite of yourselves that's what can happen in the 11th step great tools in the 12th step I'll tell you presently what I'm doing with the 11st step right now and I'll start with the evening review when I go home normally somewhere between 5 and 8 o'clock at night I'll take the paragraph where it has the review and I take a notebook and it says, Mark today what you resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid and I write it out. And it goes on to ask me some more questions and I answer them and I'm going to write it up. And at the end of that review it says I ask God for his forgiveness and I'll write down what corrective action I can take when tomorrow morning. Then I have my other notebook I write my plans for the day. I can tell you if I can't take my corrective actions that I've seen put it on my plans for the date. The other thing when I'm doing an evening review that works for me is I start from the last person I talk to and I go back through my day. One of the ways I begin to see this cruelty that we have is I begin to pretend if I would interact with somebody I begin to pretend I was them and how would what I say affect them? How would what I do affect them and I begin to see this cruelty that was in me that again I believe comes from ignorance not realizing how what I say impacts people the harm the pain it's a program of mercy you're looking for justice you better go drink or do more dope it's about total mercy the more you look at this see I told a friend the other day I cannot do by mistake what I used to do on purpose I cannot stand harming one of God's kids it's too painful for me anymore too painful that's how I do my evening review when I get up in the morning I open the big book and I read the 11th step and all the prayers that are in there and there's so many ask God to divorce my thought life from what self-pity dishonest self-seeking motives it's a prayer if i have to make any decisions i ask god for inspiration intuition or the right decision i relax and take it easy what a way to go through the day a little different than this i relax take it he goes on to talk about in meditation freedom from self-will freedom I ask God for freedom from self-will. What's my next step to be? Give me the strength to match any problems. Another great spiritual tool. I pause when agitated or doubtful and ask God to give the right thought or action. If you're in self-willed, you will never pause. Zoom right past pause. It's impossible to pause in self‑willed. Pause is like in the middle. God, give me the right thought or reaction. Constantly remind myself many times throughout the day thy will not mine be done to receive the promise that I'll avoid the danger of excitement, fear, anger worry, self-pity or foolish decisions what a way what a ways to go through it see what gifts we've been given in this book there's no end to this book this thing of I had a call just today it was a call on my answering machine this guy's six years sober here's what his question was he said Mark I've been doing a lot with some Christians Christian fellowship and I think I'm going to leave AA I'd like to talk to you about it. His ego's turned him into a spiritual mystic. He's just going to shift right on out of here. Right? There's no end to what's available to us out of the big book about college and knowledge. Follow me? Just incredible stuff in there. But I have learned it takes work with one through nine. But it's fun. And remember all the promises that come behind every single step. Right? There's just no end to this thing because there's no end to God. I'm going to stop now and see if anybody has any questions. Anybody got any questions? Anybody can have this experience. There's nobody special in AA. I've got to make sure I get all my prejudices in so let me think if there's any more. Yeah. I hear that you just demonstrated that that's over an hour and a half talking about it. What you're saying is, if you want to... Yes. Yes, sir, I am. Yes, because you cannot defeat your ego. It will come back. Pardon me? Yes. Yes. And you don't have to take long to do this. Troy and Andy and I will be on the ninth step next week. We started six weeks ago. We wrote very thorough inventories, very thorough work with the first three steps. We swapped fifth steps, did sixth and seventh. We'll be making amends in six weeks. Don't drag it out. Talking about your life here, right? It's a program of action. You get to decide. You get the choice. How much of an experience you want with God? self-knowledge avails you nothing about what? about God we must experience God if you said to me Mark do you believe in God I would say no I absolutely know He exists far deeper than belief far past emotions closer to me than breathing closer than my hands closer than the world closer than feet experientially I know that see actually easily once I do the satisfied prayer I haven't done this a lot of times I don't sit and read every single sentence one of the things we did this time that was different is we went around and talked a lot about our drinking it was a new experience and then put that into some key sentences from the doctor's opinion through page 23 then we took pages 23 to 43 and we talked about I talked about some states of mind I've been in the last few months I should have got drunk behind and some states of mind when I used to drink. And then we did the same thing with page 52, so we didn't read every word. That's how. I think the first time through, I will take people slowly through, but I have to use... I'll give you an example, you. My intuition is pretty good. You are dying of untreated alcoholism. If I was down here working with you, your ass would be in inventory tomorrow. If he don't get some freedom, he's going to die. I looked at him and I saw myself at nine years that's all he's got to do find someone with some experience spend a few hours in the first three steps do that third step prayer get his butt in the inventory do about six fifth steps next weekend six and seven make his list of amends go make amends and you won't even recognize him you learn intuition after a while he's not one you want to say what they call having do the workbook for nine months he'll die so every time through you allow the spirit to guide a little bit yeah when I do a fifth step we always open with 10 to 15 minutes of meditation invite God in I do some other weird stuff here if I myself was saved there's a lot of icky stuff that guys throw my way and then we read the instructions in the big book which start on page 70 through 75 every word that's crystal clear why we're there and what we're about and then I make them tell me what we have to do and why we have to do it like the big books says then we stop and then we start in and I have them read the first, second, third column and we're going after it in the third column My goal is for God to use me to help him find out his truth in the third column. Make the second column into a lie, and that's what I do. Now I'll tell you something about fifth steps. I've done well over a thousand of them. What's the moral of the story? Experience, experience, experience. The more of them you do, the more of an agent you can be. A lot of people don't want to work with others because it's work. It takes time. It takes times. But this is give, give, giving. You give, you receive. The prayer of St. Francis, better to give than to receive. You're in self-will? You can't experience that. So that's what I do in a fifth step. And I understand, A, I'm always honored. B, I understand it's life and death. I'm not there to make him feel better. I'm there to use this in aging to God so he can get pulled away from self-willed. Like that poor lady talking about what she wrote in her second column. God, hopefully she's got some people around her she can do fifth steps with to make that change. See? Who you do fifth step with is crucial. Someone who will understand and approve what you're driving. Let me give you a quick example of that. There's a lady called me, six years, dying of untreated alcoholism. She lived down in McAllen. She drove up and took her through the first three steps. She wrote inventory. She did a fifth step of three women down there. This woman had probably about 100 names. Been married and divorced four times. Some husbands that beat her. she came out of that experience with eight amends she called me and I said what she said yeah I said look I'm going to be down at Corpus Christi why don't you bring that inventory she brought that inventory and me and another friend of mine Dan saw it down let me tell you something by the time we were done she looked at me dead in the eye and said those husbands should have killed me when she was done she had 87 amends and her amends story was beautiful because most of those were back in Iowa two of those ex-husbands drove around to make her amens because she cleaned her shit up with them. That woman would have died based on that fifth step she did with those three women. They were doing stuff like, oh you poor dear I can't believe those men treated you like that. That's the kind of fifth step where well I owe it to men and to myself and maybe mom and dad. Pardon? I only have to talk with someone a few minutes to know if they're experiencing... You know there's two fellowships today the big book talks about? One of them is the spirit of the fellowship. We're experiencing this today. There's another one talked about on page 164 called the fellowship of the spirit. Anyone who's done 1 through 9 is living in the fellowship with the spirit I can do a fifth step with them. My intuition will tell me that. See, I'm not interested in length and sobriety it has nothing to do with anything. I don't know if you found this out but God's not really interested in seniority is what I thought. I'm looking for people with experience, follow me, who understand and prove what I'm driving at. Some of you, how many of you have ever done work with that inventory that's a checklist? Raise your hands. You won't see shit. Get to the third column. My self-esteem is affecting my ambition, my pride, boom, boom. Fourth column, I'm self-seeking, dishonest, afraid. What's the next one? Your ego goes, boy, we like this. You don't see anything. Probably why it's not the big book. Not sure. See, why would you want to write an inventory other than the big one when you can get these promises? Let me read these promises to you. These are the fifth step promises. And they're on page 75. And I will guarantee anyone in here this. If you will do the first four steps out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous someone who's had an experience who can show you not tell you show you here's what will happen to you when you're done with the fifth step once we've taken this step we're holding nothing we're delighted we can look the world in the eye we can be alone in perfect peace and ease our fears will fall from us we begin to feel the nearness of our creator we may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience the feeling the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly we feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe some of the most powerful promises in the whole big book why don't you want to use someone else's form someone brings you up one of those forms here's the question are there a set of promises if i do your inventory like the ones in the big book what do you mean follow me question what are the mistakes that we in nature aren't that we us can do in the feeling of self hatred and then we arrive there what is the random intention so it's talking about a defect called self hatred which every alcoholic unfortunately has much of it comes from many different things it comes from perfectionism I don't know what sets it into motion. It doesn't really matter. But you've got to come face-to-face with it. It also has a lot to do with your conception of God. If you hate yourself because you're not perfect, then you're going to have a punishing God. The more problems you have with yourself, the more problems you're gonna have with God. I think that defect had a lot to do with some things that drove me last year. It's called self-hatred because here's the theme song of self-hatred. If it's good, that's bad. Remember I told you about these three wonderful women God put in my life and that was good and I woke up one day and a part of me said that's sad. I've seen it so many times in AA and I've experienced it. Wonderful men and women, they're doing great. They'll crack a relationship, they'll commit adultery, they'll do whatever, that gone. They'll quit a career, they'll lose a job. At the top of the heap. Why? Because there's something inside of me called self-hatred whose theme song is good, it's bad so let's make sure it stays bad. It's a state of being. I didn't ask for that state of meaning but I think that state of being had quite a bit to do. That state of meeting almost killed me in 91 and it was working on it in 96. My life in many respects in July of 96 in every sense of the word was the best it had ever been and in that state that defect will start working real suddenly real tough here's the thing I found experientially it's critical for me today I must have men and women around me who know every part of me there's two laws I work with. Andy and Troy, I have these two laws. Here's the first. The spiritual law of caring. If Andy and Joy through their actions show me they don't care about themselves, I cannot and will not care about them because I can't. What do I mean? I mean if they're not going to meetings, working steps, doing prayer and meditation, I ain't gonna have shit to do with about it. I can. Second law we must have is spiritual consent. They have spiritual consent if they see me in delusion to bring it to my attention would love and i have that with them and if you don't have that what you're doing is you have a secret light going on compartmentalized no one knows all the parts of you you show a little bit to this group and a little Bit to the sponsor no one's seeing the totality of you so you know i have a home group in austin texas they don't even begin to know me they see what they hear in the meetings i've got to have three or four men and some women around me who know me who loved me enough and I'd given spiritual consent to. Why? Because God made me, I believe that way, to be humble enough to say to these people, I need your help. You love me. You better tell me when I'm in self-delusion. We sat down and I'll give you an example of how important this is. Andy and Troy and I sat down and remember I talked about locating myself? Well, we located ourselves and neither one of those guys was in AA. were you and he'll be the first to tell you and then he said you know mark i got really pissed at you this guy almost died because nobody would tell him the truth but he saw the truth he was not an aa what's being an aa is knowing exactly where you're at in the recovery process oh i love it when says oh i work all 12 steps every day oh really isn't that cute anyone I've ever worked with will tell you exactly what step they're on you better know where you're at if I'm in Houston, Texas and I don't think I'm in Houston Texas I probably won't get home to Austin tonight so you gotta know where you're in so in recovery I just told you I'm on this week I'll be making the 8th step now I live in 10 and 11 I pick up all those tools in 12 I'm located I have a home group meets on Tuesday night in Austin, Texas I go to a lot of meetings I sponsor for a bunch of men. Spiritual advisors and some others and they have me as a spiritual advisor in spite of the fact that they've heard my fifth steps. I'm located. We did that with Andy and Troy and they both said Mark I'm not in AA. They both thought going to a couple meetings a week meant they were in alcoholics and monomers don't bullshit yourself. You're either in this thing on the fringes or out and drunk. locate yourself are you really in this right do you think going to a meeting or two is being in the program I'll take you back to something how many hours a day did you drink oh 10 to 15 a little too busy for AA though right see that's almost killed me big book says it's about way of living I will make this a way of life until the day I die and you know why because it's exactly where God wants me That's why. There's reasons you don't have long-term sobriety because as the ego starts to come back one day, all of a sudden it's not a way of living anymore. They got well. They got well. So you've got to ask yourself, am I in AA? Once a month we're going to start stealing steel again. One of the questions is, are you in AA today? And if you're not in AA, then I submit to you it's because you're a long ways away from step one, and you now are starting to have some reservations and options about being a real alcoholic in an attic. If you believe the big book. Oh, isn't that interesting? There's a bunch of you here that are in that five to nine, ten years sobriety that are not in AA. I assure you when you're dying of untreated alcoholism and your delusion is you think you're doing recovery, do an AA. What is AA? Seeking God through a course of spiritual exercises so you can have a revolutionary spiritual experience let me tell you about this revolutionary spiritual experience and if you're sitting in this room and this hasn't happened to you then by God get another sponsor and do it I'm talking real power put your hand in the bowl knock you on your butt power that kind of an experience and if haven't got it get someone work their first nine steps and get it thank you I'm done Thank you.