Amends Without the Luxury of Being Wrong – Theresa F.

Teresa. And I'm short again. All right. All right, hi everyone. My name is Teresa. Again, I'm an alcoholic. Now that I've put myself back together, I might just fall apart again. Okay, here we go. So we got eight and nine. So now that I've looked at my defects of character, they're objectionable. I don't like them. I humbly say, God, please remove them. It's a continuous thing. But we're going to go in the order that the steps give me. And so now that i've seen this, I recognize the wreckage. I always think, my brother used to say, alcoholics make catastrophic decisions with reckless disregard for other people. That's what my Al-Anon is in the house. where we do this wreckage and this damage but didn't see it but the beauty remember I said I learned to go from shame to guilt and guilt says I can do something about this which is I can make restitution I can made amends I can clean this up so I got to put a list together and I get that list from my inventory what harm was caused to me it tells me I love this program you know I ain't got to figure nothing out I think I get into everybody writing things down I crack up because I'm like Do you know it's already written in the book? But it's okay. If you just open up the book, you'll find it there. There's like nothing original around here. I talk about my dad and everybody a lot. I remember my, oh, I didn't start this. My sponsor, he was telling my father, my father was very wise. I used to quote him like Confucius. And she was saying to him, you're so wise, Baba. Oh, my God. And my father Was like, I within myself, I am nothing. I know nothing. She was like, that's not true. Baba, you're very wise. He goes, no. You know that stuff I told you earlier? She said, yeah. You know the stuff I taught you yesterday? I know. I got that from somebody else. That was my daddy. Anyway, nothing original. So it's outlined in the book because it works. What an opportunity to turn around and go, okay, I've caused this harm. I recognize that in my illness. See, I saw everything happening in an illness. Again, I'm not a bad person. This is what it looks like when I'm ill. And when I am in my disease, this is what it looks and now that I am treating my illness, I get to recognize it and I can do something about it. So I write a list. Now it tells me to be mindful not to hurt others. In the beginning, I don't know that so I had to share with my sponsor. I just wrote down, I took it from the fourth column and I added other things but I started asking who is it that I have caused harm. You know what is interesting? When we first get sober, ego is a trip. When we first get sober, the very first thing we want to do is go apologize. Nobody ever did that? As soon as we come to awareness of the damage, I'm sorry, we don't do that anymore. We make amends, and to make ammends is to make restitution, to repair it. It's like if you get a ticket or arrested or something like that, you go to jail or you pay a fine, and when you do that, you don't have that on your, it's not haunting you anymore. See what I'm saying? That's the goal here. The goal is not for me to always feeling sorry and pitiful and all this stuff. The goal ist to clean it up, to take ownership of it and accountability to it. What an opportunity! And now I want to repair it. It's like a hole. You have a sock. We want to kind of repair it so I don't have a hole anymore. So I don' t go around saying I'm sorry. But the first thing I have to do is look at what is it? What are the things that I've actually done? And then I have be willing to do that. The only thing it asks me to do to say no never. Don't say no, never. I stay willing. And then I have to go out and find the people. But before I did that, I talked to my sponsor because I want to make sure I don't harm them. You know, not too long ago, my grand sponsee, she called me. She was so upset because some guy came to her and said he wanted to make amends. And he said, when we were out there in the street drinking and using together, I gave you a Mickey or something like that, and I raped you with a bunch of other people. She didn't know that. She didn'T know, you understand what I'm saying? And I told him, who's your sponsor? I mean, I'm such a Puerto Rican. Who's your sponsored? I know your sponsor didn'T tell you to do that. She didn'T know. I'm unable to go to people and say things to them that's going to cause them more harm. That's selfish and self-centered. I'm trying to free my soul by telling you something you don't know. Oh, I slept with your best friend. You didn'T Know. But there are people that you didn't know, then I get to go clean that up. And then I gets to say what is it that I can do to amend the harm that I've caused you. It's so simple. It's written in the book. I just go and I ask you. My first inventory, after I finished my inventory and I saw that, I went to New York. I got sober in California. And I got on a plane and I went all the way to New Yorke because that's where I was born and raised. 95% of my first inventory was to my abusers. Fascinating. I have most alcoholics who've caused the most damage in people's lives and don't want to go clean it up. And you now discovered how much havoc you've run through people's life and I went on a plane to go in front of the people who harmed me but I'm taking responsibility for whatever I had to do with that situation. Why? Let us be free. Let us being free. I need freedom from the bondage of self. I need free from the disease of alcoholism. If anybody's ever had cancer, chemo is not fun. Insulin is not fun. Changing your diet is not fun. Going to the gym is not fun. But if I want preservation of life, then that's what I'm going to do. Because that's the goal. I want a relationship with God, that's what I'm going to do. I had somebody bought me a couple and said, just do it. People think I'm hard, I'm hard on me, not people I work with, but I just do it. Most of my sponsors can't catch up to me. Let's go. Let's do it. I'm not going back to that life. I am sorry people. Maybe you have the luxury. I don't. There is a paragraph right before you do inventory that says we squander the hours. People have the ability to kill. This precious gift that is given to me called sobriety, I cherish it like a glass menagerie. If I got to go back and knock on doors and go in front of people and tell you I have caused you harm, and lay out exactly what it is, and what can I do to clean it up so that I can walk a free woman, then I'm going to do it. A lot of people have taken a lot of things away from me. I always share this. They've taken my virginity away without my permission. People have taken companies and jobs that I've created and started and turned around and said, now it's mine, I own it, we'll tell you what to do. I've had somebody give me keys to a home, I pay for it, take care of it, they turn around and said, I want my house back. Give me the keys. Get out of here. You got 30 days. I've had somebody say, we now want your car or they stole my car and they took it. I bet people say, I love you, Teresa. You're the best person on earth. And the next day you're a monster. You disgust me. Get out of my face. I have had cancer take away my brother, my uncle, my friend. Parkinson's, my father, even my nephew's mother. I raised my nephews until the day my brother died. And their mother showed up. She showed up and said, those are my kids. You want to talk about being heartbroken? He didn't give me a minute on that one. The boys thought they were coming with me. And I'm grateful she came up. That would have been a double whammy of abandonment, no? Ooh, that was hard on all of us. So she took the boys away from me. I've had a lot of things taken away from me without my permission. But the one thing you cannot take away from me is my sobriety. You cannot take that away from me. Nobody. Nobody. No, I'm not having it. You know what I'm saying? See, I don't know the reasons why you need to do eight and nine, and I know why I'm doing it. That's the preservation of life. That' s the preservation of my sobriet . That's the only thing I have that you can't take away. Only I can lose it. Only I can throw it away. Only I can rest on my laurels, get cocky, get comfortable, stop practicing and let the disease take over one more time. And I probably won't make it back to you guys. I don't think I'm coming back. So I'm going to do inventory. I'm gonna look at what I've done wrong. Whatever. I don' t... They say lead with the chin. I don''t know. I just did it. And I knocked on doors. And I believe that's why I saw God show off and show out. It's as though the prayer that I said in seven, I saw it happen in nine. That doesn't occur to anybody? If I'm asking this power to take all of me good and bad, but I'm entirely ready to be rid of selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty and fear, I tripped out in nine! How else would I possibly come to you and be honest about what I did to you if it wasn't removed. That's a trip, right? If I've been dishonest, afraid, selfish and self-centered, how do I knock on your door and say I did X, Y, and Z to you that was wrong of me? What can I do to amend the harm that I've caused? Who does that other than God showing off? That's how I knew God was. It wasn't me. It was the results of the prayer. I learned the answer to one step is in the next step. So the answer to seven is in eight. The answer to eight is in nine. And then it flows, it's so pretty how they have it laid out. And I knocked on doors and I see I became a woman and I really walked hand in hand with God. One in particular, there's two I get to, one in particular was I thought he was my boyfriend for years I thought he was my boyfriend, but he kidnapped me. He was my kidnapper. I was there for three years. He locked me up in a tower, I called it. And he only let me out when I had to go to school or work. And he waited for me. So I hadと be out of school exactly at 3 o'clock, 301. I got a lot of beatings, lashes that night. And the same thing with work. And I stayed there for 3 years. I was 14. And I escaped at 17 saying mommy was going to put me away. She wasn't thinking about me. But I had то go back and make amends to him. because he was haunting me. You know how many years I was, I hadn't seen him, but anybody that looked like him, sound like him. He used to like, he would always make this meal. He treated, it was very weird. I don't know. I saw a movie with Sandra Bullock and that's how I was. I didn't even know what was happening. He used treat me like a doll. It was strange. But he used to, like this meal, it's called Ropa Vieja. It's shredded beef. And so anytime I saw it, I'd be like, slowly I turn, step by step. You know, like Martha from I Love Lucy. Rabbi Yeha would freak me out I'm not even with that man anymore the nice thing was going to help me be free of that I'm not condoning the behavior I'm telling him it's okay I've had molesters and rapists I'm saying is I'm going to take ownership that I've given you permission to rob my peace of mind my serenity and remain in a state of victim consciousness. And if I don't own this, I'll never be free. And I walked up to go see him and I brought a friend of mine and somebody in the program and someone I grew up with and we walked into where he always is at at this park and the moment I saw him, I froze. I saw those piercing eyes how he looked at me. Oh, I was so scared. And everything I was wearing was everything he told me I could never wear. And I was smoking a cigarette. I couldn't smoke. You know, I had tight clothes Oh, I freaked out. I was like, and they said, we did the serenity prayer. You could do this. And I went up to him, and I told him I did not have a right to continue to character assassinate him, blame him. You see, I went home with him. I knew exactly who he was when I left with him, his cousin told me. The last woman he had, he put her in the hospital, And I went home with him. I didn't have a right to do that to him anymore. And I cannot tell you what he said back to me. I don't remember what he said. I remember saying, what can I do? And I think he said, I remember him saying nothing. He apologized or something. And then what I remember, man like yesterday I turned around to walk away, and I started walking away, and I never looked back. And I didn't feel, you know what I mean, him coming behind me? You guys, have you ever been abused like that? That was so big. Oh, my God. You don't turn your back on your abuser, folks. I would never turn my back on him, never. And I turned around and I walked away and I've never looked back. That's the freedom of nine to me. There's a new sheriff in town. I am no longer the CEO of Teresa Incorporated. I got a new employee and a new director. And he's bigger than everything and everybody. And I cleaned house with that man. I remember he said nothing, and I walked away. Never looked back. He doesn't haunt me. I don't see him in my memories, you know what I mean? I don'T see people that look like him, andI panic. I now see Ropa Vieja on the menu. I'm like, oh, Ropa vieja. I mean, it's like those things may not be big, but they are to me. And the biggest one was mommy. When my brother, think about Tony. I did my brother. I'm a star with Tony. I'm grateful for the one with my brother and I went and shared some stuff with him, but I didn't realize that I was still carrying a bunch of stuff unresolved with my brother and he came to live in California on the same block I was and that's as a result of the first amends you know I made to him at one time when I first got sober I sent him a letter and he sent it back to me in ashes oh that's what he thought about that one and then I did the correct amends when I went to New York and I think it helped to establish, reestablish our relationship again enough that he said, I'm going to move to California. He was breaking up with the mama, whatever you call the baby's mama and he was coming to California and he wanted to live where I was and if I could help him raise the kids. That was huge. I'm the baby. But as he was there, one day he came to me and he said I'm trying to have a relationship with my sister in today. why is it that every time you and I get in a conversation we always end up in 860 that's where we grew up, 860 Columbus Ave why do we always end up there what do I need to do to amend any harm I've caused you what's going on here because I couldn't leave him off the hook, do you know what I'm saying my brother was used to physically abuse me and I was terrified of him terrified But any facial expressions, I always felt like a little girl every time I was around him. Anybody who always knew me, I would ask them, if my brother says so, then we can do it. And he said to me, I want to know how to have a relationship with my sister in today. You see, that's what the steps do. They bring me in today, and I wasn't having a relationship in today Every time I interacted with him, it was in yesterday or what's going to happen tomorrow. I said I don't know as usual what did I say give me a minute and I looked and I had some unresolved stuff and I also had to forgive him because I continued to blame him you know what I mean like I want you to understand that I've changed but I don'T let you do that you know WHAT I'M SAYING like WHAT IF HE'S NOT THE SAME PERSON AND I WASN'T GIVING HIM A CHANCE AND I HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT I DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HIM A CHANCE to be somebody different. And I'm so grateful I did that because it changed the relationship him and I had. And we now started seeing one another in today. And how did I know that that was happening? There will be situations that will come up, disagreements, right, conflict, and it will come out and we would address it in today Do you ever notice there's a difference in that? There's a nothingness of the past. Like, I remember I was teaching my nephew Spanish He's in the kitchen. I'm talking to him about his Spanish, about his Spanish class and my brother's like stop with all that broken Spanish. You don't teach my son Spanish and then he's yelling. And I just went hmm. I said you know that hurt my feelings. If there's anybody who speaks more Spanish here dominantly as me I'm trying to help him. In what way am I causing him harm by showing him Spanish? And he said you're right. I'm sorry. It's just that the teacher told him Don't speak to other people. Just learn, you know, the curriculum in the class. Y'all looking at me like that's easy. Look, I was in the moment. You follow what I'm saying? That was big. That's how I knew it was working. Because normally I didn't go to, oh, he thinks I'm stupid, I'm a horrible person. You see what I mean? None of that came up. I'm an horrible person, no. That hurt my feelings. And one way was I hurt, that was so healthy. I was like, oh my God, this program works. Do you know what I mean? I don't know about you. I'll be like, oh my God, this works. This program works. I was addressing things with him in today. In the today, I knew that I loved him, that I cared about him. I was able to say it. We began to share our stories with one another, what our perception was growing up and we learned so much more about one another. And then when he got sick, he had many illnesses and particularly cancer. He was angry and he would pound on the table and he'll get frustrated And I didn't take none of that personally. Had I not done the work, you know what I'm saying? I would have swore it had something to do with me. It had nothing to do mit me and allow me to be present for that journey with him. And to think, I used to hear him telling people, can you believe it's Terry taking care of me? He couldn't believe it was me. And I did not treat him like a mad black woman. I don't know, that is a movie where the man's husband is bad and he treats him, you know, the wife treats him bad. And when he got sick, I loved him and I cared for him. It wasn't like, now I can get back at you. You know, that's a result of cleaning house and making amends. There was a financial one with him, and I remember him coming to me. I said, I have too many people talk about finances. I owed him. Why he sent the letter in ashes, he was surprised. He gave me an American Express card, andI jacked it up so bad he had to claim bankruptcy. And he was so surprised. I had never done that before. And I came to him, and I said, I have to. That's one of the amends I have to do. And he said, I'm not taking your money. I don't want your money, but when I need you, I need to be there. And so every time, I started taking care of the boys instead of getting a babysitter, right? Because I hadn't been working. I haven't worked since 2005. I'm taking care of my family. So he knew I didn't even have a check to give him from, right? So I started with take care of him. He didn't have to pay for babysitters. If he needed anybody to clean the house, I did it. He didn' t have to pay for caregivers. And so I don' t know what it added up to, but he kept count. And every time he asked me, I always showed up and he didn't have to pay somebody else to do it. It wasn't until recently after my brother died and we were blacklisted with American Express, could never have one again. And not too long ago, it was so weird, it came up and it said, you pre-qualified for American Express? And I was like, no. No way. I'm like, I don't know. I want to see what happens. And I put it and it said yes. I called my sponsor right away. I was, like, it was for the same amount that I had. You know what I mean? The same exact amount. It was like my brother going, you know what i mean? We're good kid. You don't say you're good. You see we're solid. You're responsible. That's how I seen it. My brother in spirit said we're good. You've paid that off. You made a resolution. I am now responsible. I now have a card that I'm accountable and responsible for and I know how to use it and I learned. You see what I'm saying? That's how I saw it when I got that card and I respect it and take care of it and I use it mainly for AA because I had always wanted it because normally I fly without money and people buy their tickets and all that stuff before they come and I usually can't or you guys put like a credit card in the hotel and I'm always embarrassed I don't have a debit card. I can't do it. I don' t have $50. Whatever. Can you please put your card? Anyway, and then now that's why it was a Delta. It was the Delta American Express. And now I can go, I can put a card down like I did when I came here. I was, I'm like, I want to put it for the hotel. Let me use my card. Oh, my God. Anyway, so I'm grateful for that. That was with my brother. And the biggest one I got, okay, the biggest thing I got The biggest one was mommy, of course. I say, of coarse. it took me nine years to make amends to my mother they said stay willing stay willing I was willing that was a tough one for me y'all mommy was something me and mommy were something boy I've been taking care of my mother my entire life and mommy got Alzheimer's earlier on it was a result of a stroke and mommy man that was hard for me every time I thought I was getting away from her there I was again you know that was always my assignment damn I remember telling the doctors you're calling it Alzheimer's but mommy's been like this my whole life now you got another name for it and what's the difference then than it is now. And he told me the difference is if you don't show up, she can't do it for herself as opposed to before. She would have to figure it out. And I remember him saying, I know my relationship with women will never heal if I don't make amends to my mother. The love that I need to find for myself will never happen if I do not make amens to my mother. For all the women, you are my reflection and you are my mirror. Remember I told you, Mommy was always my reflection of all the things I don't like about myself. And the same thing used to be for my mother. Mommy made amends to me when she, because she was four years sober before I got sober, and she took me to some ballet, brought me to California. I didn't even know what she said, and neither did I care. I remember I said, good for you. I'm happy. Oh, you're all happy. I'm all jacked up. You know what I'm saying? You done jacked me all loving you want to make amends, that's how I was with her amends. And I knew I wasn't going to heal. I wasn'T going to find the freedom that I need to find in this program fully and utterly in my relationship with God if I didn't do this work with mommy. I was willing. And finally I went to what we call the mother's grove in our tradition is the mother of all mothers. I'm a priest in my tradition and we do a lot of rites of passage and ceremonies, I'm the mother of the underground, it's this whole thing. And I go to the mothers and I say, I have to do something with my relationship with my mother. I talk to my sponsor and I've come here to go into silence and meditation and prayer and how do I heal this relationship and make amends to my mother? It was hard, guys. It was so hard. I can't explain to you. I was willing but oh, I don't know if I wanted to give her that. Because there were times mommy would look at me with disgust and it wasn't, I began to see it was just because she couldn't see the beauty in me because to admit the beauty in me would mean the beauty in her. Oh, she had a hard time with that. I needed to heal that relationship and the woman told me a story. I got a couple minutes. Yeah. She told me a story and she talked about this woman. It's an Indian fable. It is called The Initiation of Women and she said it was the queen of the upper world called Inanna and she basked in the sun and she had jewels and beauty of the sunshine and the flowers and the trees and then her sister I call her Esguerrolda, she has another Indian name I can't pronounce it but she's the queen of the underworld and Esguerolda has now lost her husband and she's grieving and she's having labor pains and she is in pain and Inanna decides to go see her sister but before she leaves she tells a maiden I'm leaving to the underworld and if I don't come back in three days send somebody when Inanna gets to the underworld she goes to the gatekeeper and the gate keeper goes to Esgueralda and says your sisters is here to see you. And she says, she must pass through the nine gates, the seven gates, like anybody else when they come to see me. Finally, Inanna shows all shriveled up in her you know, all the gold and everything she had is just torn to pieces. And Esgarelda at this point is having labor pains and grieving the death of her husband. As she looks at Inanna, she picks her up and she throws her on a peg to rot. The maiden goes, oh my goodness. She goes to the kings and she says Inanna has gone to the underworld. She hasn't come back. They said, nobody goes to the underworld. She shouldn't have went down there. Ain't nobody going to get her. But a prince overheard the maiden and said, I'll show you how to go into the underworld and get Inanna. And he disguised the maiden as a mourner. The maiden arrives, and immediately the gatekeeper takes her to Esguerralda. Of course now she's really screaming. She's having labor pains for days and grieving the death of her husband. And she looks at the maiden, and she says, what do you want? and the maiden looks at her and says for my dearest mother I do not know the depths of your pain that I've come to cry for you and as Geraldo says nobody's ever cried for me what can I do for you she said I'm here for your sister Inanna she takes her off the peg and she says she can go back up on the one condition she sends someone down in her place And the rest of the story is the journey that Inanna has when she returns to the upper world For it's not the same ever again It's called initiation of women And so the elder tells me this story And I look at her, so at the time I'm emotional about it now But at the same time I was not connected So I was like, that's a cute story Thank you, thank you very much I don't really know where it fits, but okay And then she looks at me and she says Tell me your mother's story I said well I know that she had like incest you know what I mean no no no tell me your mother's story and I got it I emailed mommy and I said I need to see you when I come back I was on my way in Montana what's interesting is that my mother I come to find out that mommy was always prepared for me to do the work around here and to finally arrive at a place of saying, I don't need to have you in my life anymore. And I went to my mother as a mourner, as the maiden, because I realized in that story, I mean, Anna, I always stood before my mother and said, what's wrong with you? Get it together. Why you act like that? Do you know what I'm saying? basket you know what I mean I was always at her like what's your problem even with the program I'm like work a step talk to your sponsor what's you're issue you know I'm saying I would go to mommy's home group we're like this her home group where's her sponsor I remember one time it was my brother and mommy kept saying I need him eating I need them eating I'm not going to eat I'm going to read a grapevine call a newcomer that don't keep you sober My brother was like, can I talk to you for a minute? He was like You know what Terry, I don't know what happens to you I don' t know whether you need a meeting or don't But what I will tell you is that Every time mommy goes to a meeting she comes back better Find her a meeting See what I'm saying I was always in honor But this time I went to my mother as the maiden For my dearest mother I do not know the depths of your pain, and I have not walked in your shoes. For I've come to cry for you. And my mother started trembling and shaking because no one had ever cried for her before. And that's how I ended up doing amends to mommy. And it don't mean that we tippy-toed through the two libs and we walked out of there like BFFs. what it did was it opened up the door, the opportunity for her to become my greatest teacher she was my mirror, she was my reflection, I became open to see the lessons that she was teaching me about my mirror and my reflection through her and I believe I was able to do the same for her I began to find compassion and sensitivity and patience and love because I don't know her story I'm no longer the Inanna walking around thinking I know better than mommy because I cannot imagine that if I had a daughter looking at me right now or some years before telling me I should be something other than all I am, I'd probably want to kill her for all the stuff I've been through. You know what I'm saying? In life. And I know I heard people around here say, oh, they did the best they can with what they had. That wasn't sufficient enough for me. But that story changed me. And I'm grateful for that because it allowed me to show up, be present in her life, begin to have patience and understanding and to let her teach me. And what I learned, I'm telling you, it happened every single time that I paid attention to mommy. I began paying attention to her. And she would do things and it would disturb me. You know that third column is a disturbance. What did you say? Disturb whatever the thing you have on the thing. Disturb. I'm cool, cool for Coco, but you're disturbed. Why am I disturbable? Whatever. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Right? That's her quote. You know, I mean, she has the quote, I have Coco for Coco balls. Whatever. Okay? And so I started paying attention. Why is that? Why do I, oh, what's happening to me? And I started paying attention and I would clean house and I will look at where am I at fault and I'll clean house and do you know that mommy stopped bringing it up? It was so interesting that whenever it was so I'm telling you, I swear I'm not crazy she would stop doing that she would literally stop whatever that was that would bring up this to me it would either stop or maybe my perception changed but I know it wasn't happening anymore to the point that I would say about a month or two before mommy died it got very interesting and I knew probably her end was coming there were no more lessons there was a nothingness there was no disturbances I had nothing but compassion it was a pureness of just love compassion it was like oh I think our time has come you know what I'm saying our soul contracts are ending and so I'll continue to do the healing but I'm grateful that I made amends when I did that allowed me to be of service to her in the way I did and then someone said to me and it was here in Canada I used to watch mommy I don't know if anybody's seen when I was a year I used carry mommy around in an iPad to go with me everywhere right because I always had to watch her and I would go everywhere with you guys and I'd just be like no no mommy put that down get away from the refrigerator No, no, stop, stop. And I forget, Neo, I think his name, he took me to eat before we went to the airport. And I'm watching mommy and I'm talking to her. And I am like, oh God, I got to get on a plane and get her settled. And then he said, you know, that's very interesting. What an interesting way for your mother to make amends to you. Does she make amens to me? That's a different perspective. I'm not seeing it. pray tell tell me more he says you know you've had a lot of people I've heard abuse you, you've taken care of a lot of your abusers like your brother your uncle, your mother and particularly your mother isn't it something that your mother is completely relying on you feeding her changing her she can't do nothing without you that's huge he said you don't see that as an amends the vulnerability that she's now in your life that you determine everything where she goes what she does I thought that was an interesting perspective he said to him that was mommy making amends to me I decided if she left, if she stayed, how she dressed. I should dress up like me just because I lost her. I said she looked like me. She dressed like me, whatever. I don't know if it's true or not because mommy couldn't talk enough to say it but that's an interesting perspective. It helped me to have just a little bit more kindness and God gave me kindness in my heart to see that here is a person that has now become so vulnerable and then I started seeing this compassion where I would feed her and go, oh what a tangle web we weave. And I would be changing her, bathing her and I would say to myself if I got out of self God please remove my selfishness, my self-seeking, my dishonesty because I don't want to do this, you know what I'm saying? And then when I would ask that I would turn around and go what must that be like for her? What must that be like for the daughter that she never wanted? Couldn't stand, tried to kill me, gave me alcohol, gave my drugs. What must that be like her that is now changing her, bathing her and feeding her? And I don't do it with bitterness or remorse as a burden, with frustration. I'm just doing it with love. What must that be like for her? That's the beauty of the ninth step. It heals our relationships. It heals me. It shows me that God's in charge and I'm not. We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the way we've outlined here. Young lady newcomer says, I want what you guys have. How am I going to have it? It's available to all of us. I love you. Teresa, I want what you have. Are you willing to do what I've done? You see, we don't get this through osmosis. I've been willing to go to any lengths. I do the uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable. I will find the time to make my list, to get on a plane, to talk to somebody, to knock on the door. Why is it about preservation of life? Preservation of my sobriety. If I got to heal my relationship with mom, it took me nine years, but I did it. If I gotta do it with my brother, I'm gonna do it. You give me several propositions. You tell me things to consider. They tell me, you're going to take the spiritual path or you not? Only the alcoholic goes, let me think about that. Only we do that. But I said, I'm going to take the path and I'm doing it. And I've been doing it for 33 years. And it's been working. If it ain't broke, why fix it? But the interesting thing is I only have today. I only have today, it don't matter what I did yesterday. It don't even matter what I'm gonna do tomorrow. it only matters what I'm doing today right here right now, today and so I'll continue to clean house I'll make amends if I need to make amands I'll show up where I need the show up the one step, most people don't like the fourth step I don't care for it it's the most freeing I see God show off but you know what we get to do around here we get too avoid it you see I grew up saying that in the AA that this is a spiritual program of action and I don't keep saying sorry all the time because I'm not paying attention and now we're going to get to hear about step 10 because now I'm awake and aware and awoke and what I get to do is I stop getting you know what I mean I had to learn not to always end up making amends making amens that's like come on now so that's another thing that I added to my give me a minute to avoid step 9 so I already told you how to do it let me tell you how to avoid it remember I said give me an hour give me one minute that helps I ask God to give me direction, pause, look at my character defects, admit at once. But I don't want to admit, so this is what I do. Don't tell nobody. Keep it between us. Because then if you find out, you're going to know when I do it. Whenever I start getting upset at something that you're doing, I put my hand over my mouth. That stops from something coming out. Do you understand? When you get in trouble. You have to clean. I do, and now most people know me. They're like, uh-oh. I'll be like do my hand over my mouth and I do inventory while you're talking while it's happening all I know is your mouth is moving I don't know I'm going what is this affecting okay oh my god my pride oh child affecting my pride okay my self esteem I used to do this in staff meetings. And we'd be taking notes. They thought I was taking notes for the meeting. No, they would have called 911. I was like... I was writing inventory. Okay. So I won't kill everybody in the staff meeting. And it's just like this. I do that and it becomes second nature. I do not remove my hand until I pray for you your spirit is sick as I am too God save me from being angry and I do the fourth you know what I mean, I ask myself questions where am I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest and afraid please God, I can't turn around and call my sponsor I may tell on myself if I have to I'm being selfish at the moment you haven't been around healthy people, they do that you know that normies do that you haven'T been around people who are not alcoholics They'll do something and go, that was selfish of me. He'll be like, that's impressive. You didn't have to call your sponsor or anything. You just said it. That's right. You haven't heard them like, wow, okay. And I do not remove my hand until I've cleaned house. And then one more time, I watch God show off and show out. and I remove my hand and go I can see how you see that very interesting and most people say to me Teresa you're so kind and considerate and loving I'm like oh no no no let's give all the glory to God because in the beginning of this relationship I was going to punch you in the face but see I want to avoid doing nine and come back and have the men for punching you in the face so I put my hands on my mouth. I clean house and then I see how I can be useful and purposeful in this conversation and what can I contribute to it as opposed to what I can get from it and what I believe is important about it. And that's the beauty I've gained so far with these steps one through nine. They're tools designed for living. They're tubes laid at my feet. I put down the drink. I put down all the extracurriculum activities and then I pick up the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous I got no gray area folks, either we doing this or we doing that and so why not put on the tool belt of the 12 steps and 12 traditions and I walk through life like a western movie because I like movies and I wore, you know with the guns maybe because I light guns, we come from guns but I walk around like a Western Y'all have westerns here in Canada, I'm sure. Calgary, they gave me a white hat. I don't know. They told me I was special. And I walk around like the 12 steps and 12 traditions just so you can visualize it. And I work around and things are happening and I go do-do-do. You know the music? John Wayne, do-Do-Do, right? Do-Do. And I'll be walking around. Do-do Do-Doo. Shh. Ha-ha-ha. Do-da-do shh. Take that step. So I hope you can visualize that next time. That as we're walking through this life, that's how we apply the steps. They're these spiritual tool belts that we have so that we can walk hand in hand with AA, with God in us so it can shine and become purposeful and useful. And I'm now living today. That is the fourth dimension, guys. It's not la-la land. It's no floating on a lotus flower. is being present in the here and now, and I'm no longer in the bondage of yesterday and what I think you want me to be or what I'm going to be tomorrow. That, to me, is the benefit of 89. And we keep doing it, and more and more gets revealed. And so one day I may think I've done them all, and then real quick, I show up at a situation, I'm at a party, I want to say this one, I show about this party, it's a Hollywood party, I see a guy walking around, I go, he looks kind of familiar. And I go up to him, I said, you probably heard this, but you look kind of familiar to me. Do I look familiar to you? Familiar, I know who you are, you're Teresa. I gave you a ring, I bought you a house, I asked you to marry me and I ain't seen you ever since. Talk about adding insult to injury. I didn't go upto him and say, I've been looking for you for years. I said do I look, you look vaguely familiar. Could you imagine? make direct amends whenever possible so that happens too so always stay open thank you so much I'm looking forward to talking about 10