Acceptance Was the Answer — Reading Page 417 Until It Stopped Being Just Words – Brian B.

Let's have an A.A. meeting. My name is Lisa, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them, too. I must have this thing. So I have seen Brian around for several years, this meeting and different meetings, and I've always been impressed with his service work and just how he shows up and he's present, and so I give you Brian B. Thanks, Lisa, and thanks for asking me to do this. I'm Brian. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is December 1, 2015. I have a sponsor. He has a sponsor. My sponsor knows he's my sponsor. We speak usually once a week or more, and I see him at the home group. Speaking of home groups, I have a home group. It's the Fifth Tradition Group. We meet on Thursdays and Saturdays in person at the Embry-Hills United Methodist Church, which isn't far from here. Thursdays at 7, big book study. Saturdays at 7, speaker meeting. We usually have two speakers, a 15-minute and a 50-minute, and we go out for pizza after. Please come and join us. I'd be happy to have you there for any of those. If you're looking for a Zoom meeting, we have a Tuesday Zoom step meeting that we do two speakers speak on a step, and we actually have usually an out-of-town speaker come and speak on Zoom on one of the Tuesdays and just as an entire talk on one of the steps, and those are also really great. So if you're upset that you're at a speaker meeting and you don't get to share or that you have to hear me talk, I just hope you're grateful that you don't have to be the one up standing here talking for a whole hour. Back when they first started AAL, they had with speaker meetings. Sometimes they would have two people talk. Sometimes they would have three people talk, but they were always speaker meetings. Open discussion meetings didn't get popular until, I think, the 70s when treatment centers started becoming in vogue, and Nancy Reagan made it popular to go to treatment, I guess, because everybody heard about that. So I think that's a good thing. So once that happened, then everybody was like, well, we like what they do in treatment, so we're going to have open discussion meetings everywhere, and the speaker meeting kind of fell out of favor, but that's all they used to have. You read the big book, and somebody, one of the parts of the book, the guy says, when I came my first time to speak at a meeting, and he didn't mean like he got to share because he had 90 days, like he had to tell his story, and usually it was pretty early on they did that. Of course, the fellowship changed, so I'm not mocking or complaining about it, but that is how they used to do it. So the reason I'm an alcoholic is because, as the big book says, once I start drinking, I have little control over the amount I take, and once I stop, I obsess about when I'm going to get my next drink. I'm restless, irritable, and discontent without alcohol in my system. The way I like to say it is that I took up drinking because I liked the way I felt when I drank, and I continued to drink because I didn't like the way I felt anymore when I was sober. And that's what kept me going on alcohol for as long as I did. And it wasn't long, much of the times, but it got pretty bad pretty quickly each of the times that I drank. And, you know, initially it was just, you know, drinking with friends, you know, sneaking alcohol as a teenager. And once I got kind of some freedom and, you know, had a job, and a car, I would go out and drink a lot and had a lot of, you know, had a lot of fun. Just, you know, the most, immediately, like as soon as I had my first free summer after high school, I was just a complete drink all the time until I, you know, blacked out or passed out. As soon as the freedom was there, that's what I did. I had access to a friend who would buy me any alcohol I wanted, and who drank a lot of beer, and I learned how to drink beer, and learned how to drink beer. I learned how to drink dark beer very quickly. And there was all kinds of dark beer then. And there's Michelob Dark, and Heineken Dark, and Lohenbraun. There was probably even a, you know, Bud Light Dark, for all I know. But there was a lot of dark beer. And, you know, we drank a lot of that. And I liked vodka, and I'd just, you know, get vodka and just drink it until I couldn't drink anymore, until I couldn't pick it up. And even got sick from it one time, more than once, just drinking, you know, almost a whole, fifth, you know, at like 18 years old. And I was doing some other things too, messing around with other stuff, you know. It was not legal, and not alcohol. And there was, I had this sense that it wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. I felt like I was just being, you know, I was just, you know, I knew I was poisoning myself. There was something wrong. I don't know if it was my, you know, Catholic upbringing or whatever it was, but there was something that just didn't feel right about doing that. And I was kind of looking for a way out, but I didn't know how to stop. Like, I'm just like, what do I do? Do I, I can't just wake up in the morning and say, I'm not going to do it anymore. Like, here's, I have this stuff already. You know, I've got this little bag of stuff, and I've got the vodka under the seat, and the orange juice bottles under there, and, you know, the cups, so I can mix a drink whenever I want. And, like, the guys are going to say, hey, you know, let's go out and drive around tonight, and, you know, and hang out. And it's like, what do you do, right? There's like no, there's no exit strategy. And when, well, my parents went out of town, and my friend, a couple of friends came over, and we had a whole big party over there, and just getting loaded. Like, that was fun, right? Just getting loaded. Just hanging around, getting loaded. Just drinking lots of beer, and, you know, maybe some Whippets and some other stuff. And, like, that was really a lot of fun to get just wasted. It was like the, that was the best time. It seems so weird now to think, like, that's what I thought was fun. But they came home early from being out of town, and I got busted with all that stuff. Like, a whole garbage bag, just full of stuff. You know, trying to get it out of the house, you know. And they were like, you know, you should get some help. You know, you get some help or you have to move out. And I'm like, well, I'll go see what the help is, right? Because I don't know about this, you know, getting out of the house thing, because I'm not even prepared for that. But I'll go see what the help is. And, you know, I did not go into the treatment center. They talked me into going one night a week, and they sent me to meetings. The guy there said, get to some AA meetings and find, you know, and talk to some people there. He said, get with the folks in AA. And, you know, I found some meetings. I found some people. And I had this immediate sense of that they understood, what I was going through. They understood how I felt. They drank like I drank. They felt how I felt. You know, I didn't feel like I fit in in the world. Well, they didn't feel like they fit in in the world either. They said they felt like somebody else had the instruction manual on how to live life, and they didn't, like their whole life. And that alcohol was the thing that made them feel like, you know, they were reasonably sane. Or like, you know, it just took that away. You know, a lot of people, when they tell their story, they say, well, I drank and everything changed. And I was this, and I was, you know, bigger and stronger and wittier and all this stuff. And I didn't have that. I had more of, like, it relieved me from just feeling like, you know, that everything was wrong. Somebody asked me one time what I thought my first memory was, and I said that something wasn't right. And I think I've always just felt like something wasn't right. And alcohol took that feeling away from me. Even if it didn't do anything else, it took that feeling away from me that something wasn't right. So, I had a really, I had a really good connection with these people that I started going to meetings with right away. You know, I felt like, you know, that I belonged somewhere, really, for the first time in my life. And went to a lot of meetings, started doing a lot of service work right away. Got really involved in that kind of stuff. We used to have a lot of dances back then. Dances were a thing back in the late 80s. And you could, you could put on a dance. For next to nothing. And I knew, I knew all, I knew four DJs. And, and you could get, you could get ice out of this building on Beaufort Highway. You would put money in, and bags of ice would come out. And you'd take it over, and you'd buy the sodas. And, you know, you'd rent the Dorville Rec Center for a Saturday night. And, you know, make some flyers. And people would actually show up, I know this is hard to believe. And the DJ would play, like, music that you would hear on the radio. And then people would, like, dance. They'd get out in the middle of the Dorville Rec Center. And dance. Sometimes just in groups of people, or somebody by themselves, or couples, or, you know, whatever it was. You know, it was a sight to see. You don't, we don't do that anymore. It's not a thing, you know, anymore to have dances. But we used to have a lot of them. We raised a lot of money that way for clubhouses and for, for different areas and groups and stuff like that. And, and it was a lot of fun. So I, you know, we did a talent show. You know, we just did all kinds of stuff. And I was group secretary. You know, I kept very busy. I kept very busy. I had a sponsor. We did work some steps. I do remember that. I don't remember being, like, driven, like, you know, here's the book. And, you know, nobody said, let's go through the book and do work the steps and we're going to study this book. You know, it wasn't, there wasn't anything like that. You know, there was step work being done. We did go through some stuff. I did do an inventory and, and, you know, I, I worked with some guys. So I did do, you know, I worked with some guys. I did do, you know, a little bit of that, but not, not in any kind of great amount. And so I remember getting to a point where, you know, other things became more important. Like, like I got married and we had a kid and I was really, really busy with that. And, and, you know, the other stuff seemed less important. And, and somehow I managed, you know, not to take a break. That. I finally kind of drifted away after I'd been sober probably about, I don't know, 12 years, 10 or 12 years, that first run. And I would, and I would consistently go back and try to reconnect. I'd come back here. I'd come back to the 1.30 meeting here and I'd go to, you know, some other meeting and I'd get a sponsor and I, you know, and actually we started going, taking me through the book and, and then something would happen. Like I wasn't home enough. Cause I had this job where I was off at home at work, you know, maybe one or two or three nights a week. And there was a meeting two or three nights a week and I was like, I just couldn't be away. It was like too much. It was too much stress and strain to be away. So it stopped, you know, coming. And, uh, I even found this men's Al-Anon group and I thought, these are my guys right here, right? Cause it's all programmed. There's like no disease and all they do is talk about program stuff. And I had this big book Al-Anon sponsor and he was doing me Al-Anon with the big book. Which is really cool. I still see that guy around. He's still in Al-Anon. He's not an alcoholic, so I can't say he's still sober cause, uh, but he's still in Al-Anon. Good fellow. Um, eventually what happened was, you know, I just, things just were not going well. I just wasn't happy. Right? I was depressed. I was on antidepressant medication. I kept going to the psychiatrist to get more and different kinds. And, you know, I was depressed. I was on medication. I was, uh, the marriage wasn't going well. I remember there was one time that, uh, you know, I think she even went with me one time to the psychiatrist to make sure that he understood everything that was wrong with me, right? So I could get the perfect cocktail of medicine and turn me into the perfect husband and father that I obviously was not. And I was ready to go along with that. And, you know, eventually though, you know, I got to the point where, you know, I'm sleeping in the guest room and I'm just watching TV. I'm watching TV when I'm not at work. And that's what I'm doing. I'm working and watching TV, you know. And, uh, you know, spending some time with my kid and, uh, you know, doing very little, you know, and around the house and that sort of thing. I just kind of, you know, had reached that point. Um, and I was working in a store, uh, in retail, grocery. I'd been doing that. That was like my whole career up to that point. And it was the first store I'd ever worked in where I was responsible for buying the alcohol. I was in charge of the beer and wine purchases, you know, the displays and all that. And it didn't bother me, right, because I didn't drink. I don't drink. I'm not a drinker. I don't drink. I wasn't thinking about drinking, you know, until I did. And, uh, you know, being in charge of it gave me access to it because I could stock it and, like, hide some. And I immediately, one night I just decided I'm tired of this sobriety thing. I need a break from sobriety. I'm going to drink. I know how not to drink, so I'll just come back. I had just picked up a 25-year blue chip at a meeting two weeks before. Just another random, you know, go to a meeting and pick up a chip, uh, kind of situation. Um, I will say that I know that a lot of people that that happens to don't make it back, so I'm very grateful to be here. And I don't have a, um, I don't have any pride around that. I'm free. It's a miracle that I'm here. So I just decided one night. That I was going to drink. That was, and I didn't think about the time I had. I didn't think about the time I was thrown away. You know, they say that thoughts won't crowd into our mind to, to displace the thought of drinking. Nothing crowded into my mind to displace the thought of drinking. Not my, not my age, not my sober time, not my job, career, my family, my safety, nothing. Started drinking, you know, drove home drunk. Started stealing it. It, and when all the other managers left and I was the only manager there, I found a way to hide it and drink while I was at work. I found a way to steal it that nobody could know I was stealing it. And which was, you know, we can get very creative and sneaky and sly when we want something we want. And I figured out a way to do it. So I had all this alcohol in the garage and I had it in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator in the garage, hidden under the old paint rollers, you know, that you always have in there that you never use. Um, if you, you know, paint much. And, uh, and I'm just drinking every day. I'm drinking at work. I'm drinking on the way home. I'm drinking before I go, drinking before I go to sleep. You know, the nights that I work late, you know, it's really easy because I'm drinking at work, you know, seven to midnight and I'm drinking on the way home. And it's, it's like, well, this isn't going to last. Like, I know this is going to stop at some point. Eventually it did. And I got busted and, um, you know, went to a meeting, picked up a white chip a week later, realized I hadn't had any vodka the whole time. So I thought it's only been a week. I got to have some vodka. You know, this is the guy who knows now not to drink. Right. So you could say, yeah, Brian, you know, you may not have been an alcoholic cause you didn't take a drink for 25 years. When I started back, I was immediately back into insane alcoholic behavior. And I drank a fifth of vodka and was drunk in front of my kid and, you know, and had to leave, uh, you know, the next day, basically, uh, get out of that house, which, you know, I understood, but you know, what I didn't understand though, was when somebody says you can't drink and live here, it means you can't drink at all. It doesn't mean you can't just drink one time or twice. Like it means you can't drink. I had this idea, like you can't drink and live here meant I can't drink all the time. This is how the alcoholic mind works. Um, and you know, I proceeded to find a meeting at this, uh, particular in this particular room, uh, meets at seven 30 in the morning. They sit at that table over there. Okay. And, uh, I got connected with some people and eventually I found, uh, somebody who was speaking at fifth tradition, went over there, got connected with them, joined that group. Uh, the thing about coming back into sobriety was I thought I knew something cause I'd been here before and I really didn't fully let go of any of my old, my old ideas. You know, it says in the, in how it works, you know, um, that we, you know, we, we have to, we have to let go. Absolutely. Many of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and it just doesn't mean our old ideas of the stuff that we've read about up in that, to that point in the book about being agnostic or how we feel about God. That that's any of my old ideas. You know, I have to be willing to let go of them. Absolutely. I have to let go of them all at once or I ain't going to have to let go of them, but I have to be willing to let go of all of my old ideas. And one of my old ideas was if I didn't want to have to tell somebody people things that was going on in my life. Because then I'd have to do something about it, right? So I'm driving with like, um, you know, an expired tag or I'm driving with no insurance or I'm driving, you know, I'm trying to get my life back together here. You know, some things are just going to have to slip, you know, uh, by the wayside, you know, and I'm getting tickets for that and I'm getting my car towed for no insurance and all this other stuff, you know, and it just, I work it out so to speak. But you know, this, the weirdest thing I, the weird, you know, I'm like getting a hit and run. I'm driving in the rain and I hit somebody and they didn't have insurance. So the guy's trying to chase me as I'm driving away. You know, he's chasing me for a while and you know, this is, this is me as a sober alcoholic. This is how I behave. Um, you know, I, I, I managed to stay sober a year and a half and just, you know, I wasn't, I really, I wasn't fully honest. I wasn't telling somebody everything was going on with me. Everything was bothering me. Everything was on my mind. I was just like, I'm here. I'm good. I know how not to drink. Uh, and I, you know, I drank again in a year and a half and I got another year and a half and drank again after that. So, you know, it was just the same cycle continued. I thought I knew something and I thought everything was fine. I thought everything was great. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. I had good sponsors that were taking me through the book. Uh, but you know, I was doing things like, you know, I was, you know, I was, you know, getting into, uh, relationships at 90 days sober. I was doing things that, you know, they, they discourage you from doing for a reason. You know, that relationship ended and I was really broken up about it. I had nothing to fall back on. I didn't have any sponsees. I didn't have any service commitments. I didn't have anything. And, and, um, it was one of the things that helped take me back out one of those times. Uh, but I came back in December of 2015. Uh, and that, you know, my, my, my last drink was, uh, the point where I had just decided I wasn't going to live anymore. I'd wrote all the bad checks I could write. I had, you know, used up everything I could use up. There was nothing, nothing left to drink and nothing left to eat. And I was going to off myself. And I was sitting there thinking about how I was going to do it. And I looked it up and I, and the, and the statistics are not, weren't in my favor of being successful. I'm like, well, I'll be fine. I'll probably screw this up too. So let me just call the friend that's been trying to keep in touch with me and give this thing one more shot. So God intervened. And, uh, and I don't know how this guy knew how to call these two people, but he found the two people that I was closest with in AA. One of them came and got me, took me to a meeting. And that guy's been my sponsor ever since. And I've been at this same home group of Fit Tradition ever since. And what I did different was I knew that I had to understand what I was doing. Understand that I didn't know anything. And you hear people say it all the time. Like my sponsor told me, I don't know anything. And it's like, what you think, you know, you don't know what you know, you don't know. And, and, uh, you know, you know, I couldn't hear stuff like that, I guess. But I, I had to realize that I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about what was in here in this book. I didn't know anything about what was going on in AA. I didn't know anything about sponsorship. I didn't know anything about anything. And just let somebody else tell me what they did and do it. And I had a very different experience working the steps this time. I was, uh, do, I was, uh, working a sobriety job at a burrito place. And I had been working on my, my fourth step. And, uh, finished the fifth step. And I had a different experience when I went to work that night. I saw everything in the world differently. Uh, it was a, it was not, it was not something I can explain. But my sponsor took me through this book. We went page by page, word by word, paragraph by paragraph, and talked about all the stuff that was in here. Uh, you know, I really had to look at what I believed in as far as a higher power. I knew I was powerless. I knew my life was unmanageable. Those things were obvious. But did I really believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity? And when I came back this time, I didn't. I wanted to kill myself because I didn't believe that I could do what God needed me to do for Him to help me. I didn't think that there was enough left in me for God to be able to help. So the fact is that I didn't believe. And I think the reason that I wasn't able to get in space over and that I wanted to kill myself is because, because I didn't believe, then that was what was true for me. The fact that I didn't believe. And when I came back this time and decided that I was willing to believe, that's when I was able to actually get that belief. And, you know, it even says in this step too, is that, you know, in the, uh, in the agnostics, does, does he now believe or is he willing to believe, you know, the person you're working with? Are you now a believer or are you willing to believe? And that's all it takes. I just have to be willing to believe. I don't need, uh, to believe. And, you know, when I, when I can get there, uh, with that, and when I can get on board with that with anything else in AA that I'm supposed to do, willing to believe, then, you know, I can actually have some willingness to do some things that, that I don't want to do. Uh, and I did that inventory and I, and I had that fifth step experience and it looked like the world looked different. Like God had turned up the dimmer switch. The, the people looked different. They, they sounded different. They, they, they just, I had a different perspective on everything. Uh, and I was very grateful, uh, and very fortunate that my sponsor took the time that he did with me to do that fifth step inventory. Uh, and, you know, I just, I had a lot of, you know, a lot of experiences. Uh, my experience with doing, uh, six and seven was reading it in the 12 and 12, uh, after the fifth step. And then by, uh, going through with the rest of the steps, right? Doing, starting my amends, making my amends. And, uh, you know, I would go back to six and seven, uh, later. You know, definitely praying for the defects to be removed and feeling entirely ready. Um, but revisiting that, uh, over the, over the years, has been very helpful to me. It looks different every time I read it. I take those two, take those two chapters out, read them, and I see something different. What sounded ridiculous and stupid to me the first time I read it makes complete sense to me now. And I know it's supposed to make sense to me, but it sounds dumb, right? You know, like, this, I will never give up. I'm like, I don't go around making declarations of stuff. Like, this isn't even me. Like, of course, so of course I'm not going to understand it because I'm finding something wrong with it. You know, later I realized, the declaration of this, I will never give up, is me continuing to participate in that defect. I might as well be shouting that I'm never going to give it up because I keep participating in it. Most of my amends were financial. I did go back to my son, who I'd lost a lot of time with, uh, when I had gone back out the last time. And it took me seven months of sobriety before I was even able to contact him, before I'd get up the nerve. And, uh, and he wasn't real happy about it, but he said, you know, I don't expect, I don't put you on a pedestal except, expect you not to drink, but if you have to be away for any length of time, let me know. And I said, you know, I can do that. And I, you know, it was like the commitment that I made to somebody. Uh, haven't had to do that, uh, since then. But, uh, you know, I, I met with him and made amends at some point after, you know, reaching out to him. You know, people say I have a hard time getting my family back in touch with me. And, I called him every week and left a message. And there was, uh, somebody in my home group that said, just call every week and leave a message. And, uh, her father had passed away from, from alcohol addiction, alcoholism. And she said, you know, if my dad called me, you know, I probably wouldn't want to talk to him, but I'd talk to him. So, you know, just call him every week. Um, so, you know, I did. And eventually, you know, he started, he started calling me back. And we, you know, met and I made the amends. And, you know, we formed what became a very good relationship that is still good today. And we spent a lot, we spent a lot of time together. We've gone on trips together. Uh, we've, uh, you know, I used to go, when he lived closer, I'd go see him once a month. And we'd have a, you know, we'd go out to eat or eat at his place or whatever. And, uh, you know, just, uh, develop that. And my relationship with my other family members, uh, you know, you know, I didn't really think about this until, I don't know, maybe this year. It really hit me. My mother, her father was, uh, an alcoholic. And she doesn't want to talk about him at all. We know very little about him, uh, from her. And she doesn't want to talk about him at all. Uh, I don't know if her mother is, but her mother definitely drinks a lot. Her, her only brother, my only blood uncle, died from what I think was some sort of addiction thing. But even, she's really not very clear about it. She's very clear on, on that. She doesn't really say that very much about him. Just, you know, that, I just get the gist of what I hear, that, you know, she was lost, um, he was lost to, to something like that. And, you know, it just, I realized, you know, it dawned on me for some reason, I don't know why it didn't before, uh, this, this year, this past year, was that, you know, she had to watch her, her sons go through that too. You know, and we're both sober now, but she had to watch both of her sons go through that same thing and wonder if they were going to step with the same fate as, you know, the people that, uh, she had seen, you know, go before us. Uh, I, I call my mother almost every Sunday, same time every week. Um, I'd like, I'd like to think I should call her more, but I used to not call at all or not very often. We call, we talk every week. Make it a point to go and spend time with her. She doesn't live far away. Make plans with her. And, uh, you know, those things are very important to me as a sober alcoholic. Uh, the financial amends were tremendous. I had to make a lot of financial amends. I had, uh, a lot of financial debt. I didn't think I was ever going to be able to pay it. And, uh, I just started making, you know, small payments. And, and just, you know, eventually it goes away, right? Eventually it goes away. But the, the feeling of getting, you know, one, one more big financial amends taken care of, uh, was, was always a big burden off of me. It was always a very big burden off of me. Even the, you know, the ones like the, the, the, uh, stores that I work for, those companies, you know, stealing from them and calling the offices saying, hey, when I work from you, I stole from you and I want to send you some money. Can you connect me to loss prevention, right? Or whoever. And I'd get somebody on the phone and they would say, okay, yeah, send us a check, however much you think it was. Like, I guess they're used to it. Like, I guess they're used to it now. Maybe there's so many of us doing this thing. They're like, oh, there's another, there's another alcoholic, you know, trying to make amends. Um, you know, and I wrote checks and, and, uh, and sent them in. Um, you know, and I went back to the, I pulled out my bad check file, which I had neglected. I'd been paying all these other things, you know, the, uh, back child support and the, the evictions and, you know, all those things. I was paying those off, but I still had those bad checks that I had written right before I, I, uh, got sober. And, you know, I, and I took them out and I, and I paid all them too. And it was hard. Like, it was work. Because they, they didn't know who I was. Like, they, somebody else has that one. I'm like, no, I'm trying to give you my money. Like, stop making this hard for me. And I got, why am I complaining about something that needs to be done? And it's my fault, you know, in the first place. And I just did it. And I was able to do it. You know, I had, I had the funds to do it. You know, it's just like any time most people, when they get sober, you know, they don't have a good job. Maybe they get a little better job. Maybe they get a little better job. Well, I'd gotten, you know, a couple little better jobs. And, um, you know, was not, you know, wasting what I had and was able to, to, uh, to take care of those things. And what a, what a great burden it was to be, to have that lifted. And I borrowed cash from people in my home group and I was able to pay them back. Uh, and, you know, I paid off all of those. You know, I paid, you know, all those financial loans that, that are, that were outstanding. You know, I've got, I've got, um, the back tax burden coming up from the years I didn't file for taxes, uh, is, uh, that's in process with the IRS right now. And that hopefully is the last thing. Uh, but, you know, I, I didn't try to do it all at once, but I'm not hiding. You know, I'm not hiding anymore. I know that, you know, that's going to be, more of a burden than I want to deal with, but I know I can deal with it and that God is with me and that God's taken me this far. And it's, it's not about what I get. You know, it's about what I can give. And I wanted to talk a little bit about a couple of other things. Let's see, it's continuing in about 15 minutes. The, uh, the home group's been very important to me. My home group is, uh, is like the lifeblood of AA. Some of my experiences there have been, uh, the ability to practice with the principals and all my affairs has shown up a lot in my home group. When I came back this time, I had already been to that group. And, you know, uh, somehow the guy that my friend put in contact with me was the guy that I trusted and liked the most at the group. I don't even know how he knew to call this guy. And that guy was, you know, is my sponsor. And, uh, but nobody else at the group, you know, they didn't care if I was there. I really wasn't buddies with them. I really just, I was there because I had to be. And I was doing what I was supposed to do. And I was committed to this sobriety thing. And this is the home group, so I'm going to have to do all this stuff. But I didn't like them. They didn't like me. Uh, they didn't care if I was there or not. You know, some other guy named Brian B. was picking up a, a medallion and they had announced it. And some guy asked, oh, you're picking up another medallion? And I said, oh no, I relapsed. And he goes, again? And I was so mad. And he's like, God, that's, that's everybody. Here comes Brian again. He can't make it. You know, it was all that. And, um, you know, my sponsor gave me some prayers to say. Uh, this was probably during my first year back. And, you know, he said things like, pray for, pray for God to show you how to love people as he wants them to be loved. And I would pray that prayer. And I'm like, that's not doing anything. And I'd pray that prayer. And I would continue with my steps. You know, I was doing my step work. And, and, uh, you know, trying to figure out how to find people to work with. And, um, one day I got to the meeting and I realized that that was gone. I didn't feel like that anymore. I felt okay with everybody there. And there was a fella getting out of his car, one of the guys that had started the group. And, uh, we both had a big laugh because we both knew what I meant when I said this. I said, I don't know what you did, but everybody here is so much nicer than they used to be. You must have really helped them work on themselves. It's funny how that when we change, we don't realize it and everybody else looks different. I think that's what the steps do for us. When I had seven months sober, I spoke, I was the 15-minute speaker at my home group. And, uh, afterward, a fella came up to me and got my number. He was about my age. He said, can I give you a call? I said, yeah, sure. He calls me the next day. He said, man, I got 24 years. And I think I'm about to go back out. You told my story last night. Wanted to see if you could, you would take me through the book. I'm like, I can't take the guy for 24 years to the big books. I called my sponsor. He's like, yeah, I don't know. I called his sponsor. And he's like, yeah, I know that guy. It'll be fine. Go do it. So I met with this dude. And I didn't take him to the book. I didn't sponsor him. Like, I was like, I'm not going to tell you to pray. He's like, yeah, don't tell me to put my shoes under the bed. You know, so, you know, it's this kind of stuff. So I don't forget to get on my knees. I'm like, yeah, we'll just, we'll just talk and we'll meet. And we met once a week and studied the big book and shared our experiences. And, you know, I didn't do this. I didn't do any of this. My sponsor says, take him to the roundup. I was like, oh, he's speaking on Friday night at 9 o'clock meeting. It'll be 11, 10, 30 before we get. He's like, invite him to the roundup. Invite him to the roundup. I was like, yeah, all right. So I invited him to the roundup. And he's there for 10 minutes and reconnects with his first sponsor and some guys that he got sober with back, you know, 24 years ago. And, you know, has since, you know, joined a group with them. I think started a group with them or something, you know, and the guy's still around. So, you know, it's what that says to me is that one does not have to have the experience that I've had to have to have the journey and to get what I've gotten from AA. And you don't have to have that experience. But, you know, it's possible, you know, to get reconnected. And I didn't think it was. I was not able to get reconnected. So even if you're lost and you don't feel like getting reconnected, I've seen where you can. And if you've gone back out and you're coming back in and don't feel like you can get this, I've seen where you can. A lot of people that have double-digit sobriety and go back out don't come back to AA. They die. You know, they're still out there drinking. You know, it's miraculous that I've been able to do this. I was doing that fifth step and I had this boss. I knew him from the program. And he was really helping me out. Like, he was helping me with a place to live and, you know, helped me get around. And I finally, like, got a car back and was, like, going to go work somewhere else. But, you know, I finally did. But, you know, he annoyed the heck out of me. He was just one of those guys who would always try to get your dander up. You know, he'd make some comment or, you know, insult you. And I tried everything to get him to stop. I thought of the worst insult. I thought of the meanest things. I would mess with him and all kinds. Never. It didn't help. He wouldn't stop. And I didn't feel any better. And then I came across this prayer in this book that says, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. And every time I felt that coming on, I would say that prayer. And my guess isn't going to do anything. But one day he needed to learn how to use something. WebEx or something. And he's like, I can't figure out how to use this. He was pissed. Very technically challenged, sort of. And so I just learned how to. I said, I'll learn how to use it and I'll teach you. So I learned how to use it and I taught him how to use it. And there were some other things that, you know, that I was able to do to be helpful. And then one day I realized he didn't make me mad anymore when he came into the office. I wasn't upset when he came into the office. These things that we think don't do anything actually do something. You know, when I'm asked to show up early and set up chairs for a meeting or to stay late and clean up or to make a commitment to do those things, I don't want to do that, you know, most of the time. But, you know, those are the things that often have kept me here. You know, I know I got to be at the meeting on Monday night in Napa to speak, right? I'm probably not going to go drink if I don't have the service commitment. But I got stuff that I'm committed to be doing. And, you know, and I'm thinking about, well, you know, I'm going to be speaking at a meeting. Like, I need to be focused on, you know, what I'm going to say a little bit. But mostly I don't. Mostly I just pray and whatever comes out comes out. But I want to talk about step 11 and 12 a little bit. For step 11, well, you know, step 10, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And those come up in step 11, right? I'm doing an inventory to see how good my step 10 was that day. So that's, 11 is really everything. All the steps before that. You know, it's really, you know, 3 through 10. It takes me back to 6 and 7 if I need it. And I wasn't doing a consistent nightly inventory or a consistent morning meditation. When the pandemic hit and I knew I was going to be spending a lot of time by myself and wasn't going to be seeing a lot of people, the thing I thought for a while that I need to be more disciplined. I need to be more disciplined. I don't even know what that is or how to do it. The thought came to me, well, why don't I just start going to bed an hour earlier and getting up an hour earlier and spending time in the morning doing meditation and doing an inventory every night. And that was about two years ago. And I haven't missed hardly any since then. I'm not saying that because I'm proud of myself. I'm saying that because I've really seen a difference in what 86 through 88 looks like by reading it every day. It looks different. It sounds different. I word it different. I change some things, you know, and even suggest, you know, there are other books that we can read. You know, there's all kinds of people that can suggest stuff and different AA speakers and AA teachers, you know, have guided me to find some things to read. And so I read something else in addition to that in the morning. And, you know, a lot of it, you know, is the same thing that we talk about in here. It just says it in a different way. But, you know, through, you know, morning meditation and, you know, discussion of these things with people, you know, I get reminded, I get reminded of stuff and was talking this morning and about the other book that we were reading and it reminded me of this passage. And we don't talk about this a whole lot in AA and Atlanta, but I remember I was at a meeting and people were talking about it and they were saying, you know how we used to always go around and say to each other, 417, 417. And 417 is from the story acceptance was the answer. And in it, the doctor who wrote this story says, and acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. What I'm disturbed is because I find some person, place, thing or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it's supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake until I could accept my alcoholism. I could not stay sober. And unless I accept my life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. And I could go on. But, you know, that's, that's, so like I could do, like morning meditation, but reading something like this, you know, every day for a little while, it changes the way I see things. And I talk to people about it. And I say, hey, I'm reading, you know, this. And it brings this to mind when I read it. These things come to mind. It's like I didn't think of it. You know, I don't say I thought of this because I didn't think of it. Things come to mind. So things come to mind of how I can practice this. And a lot of stuff just happens by accident. I was kind of half joking with a guy in my home group that I have a lot of respect for. I said, you know, it says in the big book when we, when the Spirit of God comes and there's some maladies overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. But dude, what about emotionally and financially? Come on. Tell me about that. And he goes, and all he said was, I'm going to send you a talk. So, okay. So he emails me this talk that Sandy B. gave me. He gave several talks like this. It was called The Program in Two Words and it was let go. He said he can sum up AA in two words, let go. And he does a whole talk about the steps and different things. And I'm listening intently because I want to have something to take back this guy because I'm not a talk listener, right? I don't, I don't listen to a lot of recorded speakers and like I want to, you know, he's taking the time to give me this. I'm going to take something back. And right around, right around toward the end of the talk, Sandy says, I wish I had a spiritual watch. That way, anybody asking what time it is, I could say, it's right now. You ever go there, that millisecond between resentments of the past and fear of the future? It's right now. It's always right now. It's never not right now. And that had an impact on me in that moment. And I went back in and talked about that. Now, every time I see that guy, one of us asks us what time it is. And it's just a reminder to stay in the moment. And, you know, you hear people say things like be where your feet are and stuff like that. You know, my practice became, is there anything I can do about this right now? And I keep threatening to make this flow chart. Then I think I'm too somebody if I do that. So anyway, I don't have a flow chart, but the way it would go if I had one is what the practice came for me. Like, I'm sitting at work and I had a recruiting job and it was really tedious and I wasn't doing well at it and I didn't like my living situation and I'm sitting there thinking about the living situation. Like, yeah, that sucks over there. Like, I got to get out of that. What can I, how can I fix that? You know, that lady's crazy and that, you know, that owns the place and her boyfriend that's in AA, he can't stay sober and I'm trying to help and like, you know, she's got a thing for me and like, he's drunk all the time asking me how to get sober. Like, I said, wait a minute, where am I? I'm at work. Okay, what am I supposed to be doing? Working. Okay, what's my job? Well, I look up these people on the computer that might want to have this job that I have and I call them and talk to them about this job or see if they know anybody that might want it. Okay, do that right now, Brian, because I think that's what you're supposed to be doing. So, I would focus my attention entirely on that and that doesn't work right in everything in every situation but that's the practice. A lot of times, there isn't anything I can do but I can call somebody. I was having a day like that and I called a friend of mine who had just gone through a breakup and he just talked and talked and talked for 20 minutes and when I got to my destination I had completely forgotten how upset I was about, you know, the crazy lady and the drunk guy. It was gone. And, you know, that, in spite of how bad I think things are, you know, things are actually really good. You know, things always look like there's something wrong but there's so much good going on. You know, that lady charged me 75 bucks a week to have my own room in a house. Yes, it was smoking in there and yes, she was slipping me notes because I was drunk and, you know, all that. But, you know, I had a place to live and I didn't have to pay a lot for it and like, you know, it was, and I knew it wasn't, you know, it wasn't, it wound up not being forever but, you know, the thing about it is, is that, you know, I had a lot of opportunity to practice a lot of growth and learn a lot from being in that situation. I know, you know, how to deal with things maybe differently and more spiritually and, you know, so that, the practice becomes, if I, is there anything I can do about this right now? No. Or, yes, well then do it. Okay, was there anything we can do about this later? Yes, make a plan to do it. If the answer is not now or not later, it's give it to God and do something else. Put my attention in another place, call somebody, you know, it's turning, we talk to somebody about, we, you know, we ask God to remove, we ask God who wants to remove them. We talked about someone who wants and we turn our thoughts towards someone we can help and there's another thing in there too. But, you know, we do those things that are, that are, take us out of ourselves. You know, Bill mentions humility and I need to do this study on this because I think humility is mentioned in every essay in the steps in the 12 and 12. I think he wanted it to be in each one of those and, you know, the definition, I've heard of humility is, it's not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. And the last thing I want to do is think about other people all the time and do for other people all the time. But for some reason when I can ask for the power to do that, because I think that's probably what God's will is for me and I can get that power from God to do that, I am not worried about as many things as I am when I'm trying to think about when am I going to get mine, you know. Things seem to fall into place and I tend not to understand it and sometimes I tend not to like it because I think, you know, I should, you know, I should be able to do something. But, you know, if I can give those problems to the God in my understanding, the God that I don't understand and go and do something else, a lot of times a solution comes. Somebody said something profound I've never heard anybody else say and I've only heard it once. She said, I think there's only two solutions to a problem. There's solution one and solution two. But then I let go and pray about it and God provides me with the third alternative that I hadn't even considered. And in practice, you know, I've seen that work. So, you know, if you haven't had a sponsor that is really big on this thing right here, please find yourself one, if you're interested in getting some sobriety because this program, if you're as alcoholic as I am, this program does offer that. Thanks for listening. Thanks for coming.