A Legend in His Own Mind Who Couldn’t Change His Socks 😂 – Jack Davis.

How are you doing? My name is Jack Davis. I'm an alcoholic. Good to be here. I'm a little tired, long day, long ride, but always excited to do something for Alcoholics Anonymous because I never want to forget. It wasn't long ago, but a few years ago, two men who I didn't know showed me through action what Alcoholics Anonymous is truly about. And that's why I'm standing here with you guys today. And I never want to forget that that that is my purpose. So when I got a call from Ian a few months ago asking me if I'd like to come out here, I said, give me a couple of days and I'll give you a call back because once I have to find out who's going to come with me because it's a long trip. And I'm not used to doing a lot of things outside of my zip code. See, because my alcoholism kept me hostage in my zip code my whole life. So it's neat to be able to come to be invited somewhere and be invited back. That's really neat. It was nice to see you but please don't come back no more. And that's what I've been used to my whole wife. So A.M., thank you. also thank Eric who had to put up with me for 8 hours to drive out here yesterday and also to thank Matt for putting us up in a beautiful place to lay our head last night you know I think one there was three phenomenal speakers and I always think what can I say because they all touched on things that were so special to me and I used to compare myself to the man who was up at the speaker about his situation and what he was like. And truly, what grabbed my heart finally in Alcoholics Anonymous is how someone felt inside. The connection that I finally made between my heart and yours. Today we call that the language of the heart. And that attracted me. It wanted me to be a part of. And it wanted me to stay here. It gave me a purpose. And it wasn't always like that. You know, we only have a short hour. You know I'm not a guy, a big war story guy. I believe we all have our own and that's the worst one because we got to live it. But I also got to remember I can't come up here and not touch on that at all being dressed, standing in a podium because I got to remind me when I see a guy come up to a podium all dressed and I'm sitting down here my perception would say he don't know what it's like to be like me he never had it as bad as I did you know, look at him and it wasn't always like this my journey started a little bit over three years ago homeless on the streets of Philadelphia my scorecard read zero there was nobody or nothing left I didn't know that I made a conscious decision at 14 years old that I was going to put a drink in me that that was going to happen years later. I had no idea. I didn't know that I wasn't that I was going to choose alcohol over being a brother being a son being a student being a friend being a worker Fast forward, being a father, being a husband. I had no idea that I was going to part with all that stuff and alcohol won. Due to going through the solution that my sponsor showed me, my perception said my whole life alcohol took them things from me. Today I'm very clear and very honest with myself that I freely gave them things away because of the ease and comfort that I would get from alcohol. See, I couldn't put into words sitting around my kitchen table when I was yet a little guy feeling like, man, something's different about this family and they don't understand because it's just a struggle. Life is hard. life was tough I struggled with inside all the time I have a friend that says it's best down in Quakertown he said I felt like a piece of shit wrapped in skin and that sums it up that's pretty blunt but that's how I felt I didn't want to be me and I know you won't want me around if you knew who I really thought I was inside It was lonely. It was painful. It was hard. I just felt like it was me against the world. I grew up in the projects in Philadelphia. My father was never around. My mother raised us. I had a brother and a sister. I struggled in school. Until I was 39 years old, I sat with my sponsor and I finally admitted I couldn't read my whole life. That made me different. I was mad at God. Why did he give me this path so hard? We're poor. I struggle in school. I get laughed at. I felt like just a weirdo as a kid. Just never fit in, just wander around. Felt the best when I was alone. But selfishness and self-centeredness that I talk about today and I live by today and I'm able to look at through a constant inventory through Step 10, I've had this a long time. Way before drinking came. Like I was the kid where mom would say, Jack, you need to take out the trash. I'd say, sure. How much? I need you to rate the leaves. Not a problem. How much ? There was always something in it for me. Today I know to freely do for mom without a motive. But even then there was a motive and the only time I've done for you is when I was benefiting from me. I don't know I'm not a guy that gets up here and remembers dates, times, years they're blurs like there's years gone but at 14 years old I was sitting around the mailbox with a bunch of kids we all took that drink and I'm sure the drink did the same for everyone every one of us got everybody tipsy but at that moment that drink did something for me because up until that time I was the kid that don't shut the light out because I'm laying in bed thinking about my day the wheels are spinning and I'm thinking about tomorrow already and what school's going to be like and what I'm going to say to her and what she's going to say to me and I've got to and I just lived in constant motion of thought it didn't shut off there was no shut off button you know I found sports along the way it would shut off for a little while and then the newness would wear off and I'd find something else. But it always came back. And alcohol worked. Alcohol worked at a young age. I'm not a guy that came in and I put alcohol in my body and it lasted years. I picked up alcohol at 14, I'm away at 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. In and out of institutions. Never stopped. It hit me hard and I ran with it. and at that time I dropped out of school I moved out of home and I started running the streets of Philadelphia and it wasn't pretty but I felt okay doing that like I felt okay with the runaways I felt ok with the kids from broken homes see because my mind somewhere comes up with this delusion of things that aren't true because I can tell you as long as I stay sober, the more in this solution my life wasn't too bad as a child. But I came up with this story it was so bad and I would use it when I needed it and my father's been in prison and yeah he's on death row and oh feel sorry for Jack and get him a drink like I used that for me. So I painted this delusion and I ran with it and I'll tell you through this process I didn't have a bad childhood mom worked hard she put food on the table we had morals we knew right from wrong you know we had to do our homework we had chores you know I believed my own lies even in a young kid as I said I was in and out I came to AA at 15 years old because I was court stipulated here and then I went out and then came in it was just something to do to keep my mom off my back keep my brother off my bag keep my sister or the judge you know and along that way there was lots of overdoses, there's lots of stints and being in jail. That stuff does not have me here on Alcoholics Anonymous with you guys. That just comes with what we do. That just come with it. It's a byproduct. I don't know, somewhere around 19 I remember being in Eagleville Hospital and Christmas and New Year's very lonely. I remember that moment. You know, God remembers I have slides in my head. I remember just no one around. By this time, I had a little girl that was born. A girl in the neighborhood. And she was 14 months old. And when I'm away, I had my son. So here I am at 19 years old. I have two children. And I can't change my socks. I'm lost, man. I'm lossed. But always a delusion that I'm going to not do to my children what my dad did to me. I want to get my kids better than what I've had but just believing in my lies you know, I was a legend in my own mind, we hear that a lot I believed in what I thought but the problem is I thought about it but it never made it to my feet I could never take action to change anything I was gripped up with fear scared to death come here and tell me what you're doing to do this because no matter which way I turn it just seems like I hit a roadblock you know I'm quick out of the gate when the race starts but halfway through it I fizzle fear crops up and I'm not walking through it I'm going another way and I left many things go in my life because of that voice that sat on my shoulder my whole life that says you're no good you're just a fraud who are you kidding Jack if they really knew who you were they wouldn't want nothing to do with you my whole life I fought that guy I didn't know until I met these men that that's untreated alcoholism I had no idea none I didn'y know there was a solution for that because he's been my friend my whole life. That voice spoke and I did what it told me. It always seemed like a good idea. I came to AA at 19 years old. I got out of that rehab and they say, kid, put the plug in the jug and go to AA. Okay. And I did. And I'm embarrassed at times to talk about some of this stuff but I think it's important because I don't believe I'm the only one. And I truly believe that God only needs me. He wants my experience. They don't care what I think. This isn't about what I think, what I feel. It's about my experience, it's about real. Because I came to Alcoholics Anonymous at 19 years old. And life got good. I was able to raise them children. I was ever able to move out of projects. You know? Opened a big company. Worked for Coca-Cola and Bottle & Company. Made seven, eight meetings a week. new pair of sneakers and sweatsuit on every day haircut every four days as he said, I relate to all that stuff dress up the outside and I felt good I did what you just told me to do see, but I didn't know about selfishness and self-centeredness I didn' t know my problem centers in my mind I didn''t know the only solution to my problem was a spiritual experience like I sat in AA for a lot of years And I wondered, did I just cover my ears? Because it says it right in A, B, and C and how it works. That's the solution. I didn't hear it. So things started happening good. Things were good. But I started doing things that were not so moral. In AA. Right here in AA. Right here. and I'd walk in and everybody knew me and my ego was big and I spill out whatever thing I read or heard to sound good for the day right and the fact was my kids were petrified of me my wife slept in another bed I worked for the insurance industry and I thought it was okay if I had more money I'd be more happy to steal so I started doing things right here without a drink that didn't work see but I was looking for relief I was doing things to make me happy again you know I'm also one of them guys I'm married and at five years sober my wife's not doing what she should so I think it's justifiable now I have a girlfriend in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's not too spiritual. Where's the principles there? But I didn't drink today, I'm a winner. You can do anything you want to do in recovery wrong. They forgot to tell me there's a consequence. And I paid. And I pay dearly because I remember leaving a meeting at seven years sober being at a red light and that emptiness feeling that I've had my whole life and that voice I talked about is back. And tears would start rolling down my cheek and go, what's wrong with you, Jack? You're doing what they said. You haven't drank in seven years. That was the problem, right? I didn't put it in my body. I made a sober decision at seven years sober to leave you guys I was as sober as I'll ever get so at that point alcohol was not my problem I was my problem I never treated the problem I ran on self-will look at me the great I am and I ran everything right into the ground I left you guys at seven years and it took me nine years to come back here and there's not enough time in this hour to explain to you guys what has happened what occurred because a bad movie couldn't even put that into a picture of what happened a wife who loved me for 18 years had a restraining order against me, who divorced me kids who loved me who once said you are no longer my father a mother who the last time she seen me passed a bowl of cereal out on her step like I was a cat and shut the door and said please leave or I must call the cops how'd that happen see alcohol promised me everything in the beginning it made me whole what I found out is it lied to me and I was learning that through life experience by the people that loved me and the people that I cherished in my life who left one by one. People that could not stand being around somebody that just thought he knew it all. Nobody wants to be around someone like that. And I knew so much. I was broken. It took nine years. I was non-employable. My brother told me if you come to my town I'll call the cops on you. People on Alcoholics Anonymous I would walk in a room and they'd say stay away from him because he's going to get you drunk before we get him sober so I experienced hopelessness like I've never experienced it before because when the people on Alcoholics Anonymous give up on you something's wrong see and I didn't purposely do it I needed it just to get through life because see I've been in and out of mental institutions I was a kid at 15 years old who tried to hang myself. Like, I wanted out of here, man. Like, life was hard. So it got to the point either drink or kill yourself. And today I can truly thank God that I went this path. I really don't know what happened. I was homeless. I had a couple cases. I went away. And to look back in life when you see them God shots when I truly believe this God didn't work in my life I don't know I'm a guy everything has to be gone for me to look at my life differently you know and I need to share with you the kind of person I am when I'm putting a drink and other things in my body I'm sitting away locked up because I was trying to get sober and mom allowed me to come back in again and sleep in my bunk bed in my thirties on my Spiderman sheets and I'd lay there and I would say what's wrong with this picture Jack what is wrong but I'm going to do it this time self knowledge I have it, I know what I got to do I'm gonna go to meetings and I'm go to meanings but my skin just always felt like it was crawling and from the inside out. I could never get comfortable. So I would come and I'd sit down and I would sit on my chair and I was like, and I wouldn't hold on until tomorrow and Iwould pray that that head just didn't get the best of me until tomorrow so I could come in and raise my hand and throw up again and get some relief until tomorrow. And as I know it and Iwas doing that and I woke up one morning and I'm going to the bathroom and the voice hits you are going to drink today ok there was one problem I had no finances that morning so my mind told me it was ok to reach in my mother's pocketbook take her keys take all her jewelry rob my sister's house on the way and in 3 hours I have cops looking for me but I was willing to do that and to pay the consequence for me to get relief. And I was okay with that. I knew it. I knew what I just couldn't be in my skin no more, but I'm the kind of person I take from my loved ones. That's me. And I need to get real with that So they went to the cops and thank God they did because it saved my life. But I remember sitting in there and a moment of clarity of Jackie, what happened to you? What are you doing? And the big book talks about there's many times I'll give you thousands excuses of why but that moment I needed to be honest with me And the answer was, I don't know. I didn't want to do this no more. I know what it's like to go meet the bartender on the corner and be sitting doing what I had to do with tears rolling down my eyes, crying. Well, I hadto do what I hatte to do. There was no joy. There was not happiness. It was over. But I lost the power of choice. there was no, I'll do this if I feel like it. Them days were long gone. See, and I wasn't coming back to AA because I did what you just told me. That doesn't work. So I experienced hopelessness like I've never did. My brother who don't talk to me bailed me out that time. And I had no idea he was bailing me out but at that point, I wanted to get out. And I remember him saying to me, Jackie, try something different, kid. And he's my younger brother. Try something different. Try something, kid, it doesn't have to be like this. And I used to think he just don't understand me. And I want to be liked you. You know, I really do. I want To be like my brother. And it's funny, I just spoke to my brother five minutes before I come up here. You know? So I walked to AA to a meeting I'd been making for 19 years. And there was a man sitting in the front speaking who I've never seen before. And everybody knew me. Oh, he's back again. You know how we do to the guys that are in and out, right? Oh boy. I find today that's where my purpose is. I want to be the guy at that door shaking his hand and say welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. And hold your head up. There's no reason to hold it down. We are sick people just trying to get better. And I ain't here to judge no one. This man spoke, and I can't tell you what he said, but I felt something. He spoke about that loneliness like no other. He was able to put into words the way I've felt my whole life. Feeling like a misfit. Not fitting in his own skin. You know? He said it feels like there's a hole in my chest that a train could drive through. Nothing's ever filled it. And I understood that. I remember walking up to that guy after there was about 60 people in a meeting. I'm thinking, I'm going to wait in line to see him, right? Nobody's there. Today, I truly know God sent that man for me to hear him. And for the first time in my life, God allowed me to here and see the truth. And I went up to the man and I said, thank you. Thanks for coming down to our group and sharing. He said, you're welcome. How are you? and I remember looking at his sneakers he had New Balance sneakers on because I looked at the ground I couldn't look you in the eye could not look you in the eyes and I remembered saying I'm not doing too good and we talked for a little while and I didn't know what he was doing but 50 people left the meeting he's an hour away from his hometown and we're sitting in his truck and he's got one of them real big blue books we use the older guys use so he can see it he pulls that out but I have no idea what's happening but I can feel it like this guy understands and he says call me another blessing my sister bailed me out excuse me, my brother my sister who I emptied her house allowed me to move back in with her see that's unconditional love that I knew nothing about Alcoholics Anonymous has shown me what that's about it teaches me so I'm living with my sister and he says call me tomorrow we spend a couple hours and I'm not calling him because fear comes back in that window of willingness slammed it was open that night but it closed and thank God for caller ID because he called me twice for the next three days and I remember saying to my sister hey if that's that guy Chris don't answer he's got the good stuff I don't want to talk to him right? No, God forbid. Self came back. I'm going to run the show again. I know, I got this. I got this. Every time I said I got this, someone I love got their heart ripped down. Two weeks later I picked up the phone and I called him and he came and got me and I could tell you guys there's not enough time again to tell you the things that's occurred but the difference is what he's shown me is he said pack your things I'm coming for you I'm 39 years old at this time feeling like I'm 15 inside feeling like a lost kid and I remember him coming to find me in Philadelphia and he got lost and I'm giving him directions and I am all excited, fearful but excited I think it's lost a little too long and then he calls me I said hey why don't you come for me tomorrow see I know what's happening again I know what I'm going to do we can do this tomorrow see tomorrow never comes he showed up he took me back to a place called Quakertown which is really funny you see and I don't lie when I say I never left my zip code like I'm driving to his house and I'm looking out the windows and there's cows and I've got a car and I was going oh my God where is this guy taking me like I never see nothing in the world man I was sheltered alcohol and other things have robbed me from that but here we sat in his little apartment and we opened that big book and he talked about the history of Alcoholics Anonymous and I had no idea there even was one. I guess it just occurred, right? I just grew up out of the ground. I didn't know. But the first time in my life I could tell you the most spiritual things I said was, Chris, I don't know I can't stop drinking and doing other things. I can's stop hurting people and I don' t want to live like this no more. I truly believe that's when the miracle started I told the truth for the first time and shortly after that the best word I've ever said and the most spiritual word to date I still say is okay because see he didn't care whether I believed in what he was saying he didn'T care about what I thought about what he WAS saying all he wanted me to do was take some action and follow him and was I willing to do that yes well then we're ready to get down to causes and conditions and he talked about Dr. Silkworth and he told me he talked a lot about the allergy he talked abut the phenomenal craving and he was pumped I understood it I knew this guy was right where I was and I knew he wasn't like that no more by looking in his eyes I knew that he found some happiness some joy that he didn't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it I knew it but that voice that I talked about is now in his apartment saying this guy wasn't as bad as you it may have worked for him but Jack it ain't gonna work for you he told me that solution will quiet that voice that if I find God that God that God of my understanding will override that voice okay I did what I was told I did what I was told for a short time a very short time because my ego rebuilt Chris thank you I don't need this no more I went back to Philadelphia took my will back and I was homeless in two weeks again you see all these steps didn't apply to me I'm going to pick and choose I'm gonna do what I want you know I don't need no prayer and meditation thank you a little busy for that you know what I mean don't you know I got a busy life here that's my head busy working thing going on right half delusional like Jack you were just homeless but it rebuilds fast God or the ego Which one is it today, Jack? All or nothing. You know what I mean? And I'm no. My ego wants to kill me. I truly believe that. Truly believe that through the gates of grace of God. I met some people when I was in Quakertown that took a liking to me. A guy woke up one morning. God again. I know it now. God again Richie wakes up. He gets a feeling Jack's in trouble. Puts on his sneakers. His wife said, where are you going? He said, I'm going to look for Jack. She's like, what? I've known the guy a couple of months. He hops in his car and he comes looking for me. I'm on the run. He don't know what Philadelphia is about. He don'T know where he is. And he calls me. I finally answer the call. He said hey, it's Richie. I just was with your mom. I'm like, so what? Right? Then my thought is I can get some money out of this guy. Where are you at? I'll come meet you. Right? Philadelphia is a big place. The guy was looking for me for two hours. When he told me where he was, we were on the same street, one light from each other, one block from each another. And a voice in my head said, it's over, Jack. The gig's up. Don't have to be like this no more. So for the first time, Alcoholics Anonymous went from here to here and I never experienced that. see it was ok to do what I was doing when I didn't know but now I know there's no excuse I know there's a way out it's in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous I was shown the way out and I chose to do different and I got the results from that so I knew when I come calling back here on February 10th of 2007 feeling this big and my head telling me get out of here I was right where I needed to be. I was broken. And I remember calling my first sponsor and it's my first night back and I'm laying in this bed I'm in an attic up in a bedroom and I said this is my grand sponsor at the time I said Greg all I can tell you is I feel like I'm on the side of the road naked with no clothes on and empty just nothing left and he said Jack it sounds like you finally have none of your own plans and designs left and the only place to go now is to God, He's been waiting for you and let Him build you as he would like to and you get out of the way and I remember hanging up that phone and hitting my knees and praying like I've never prayed before not just going through the motions so I could sit in a meeting and talk about how I prayed this morning like praying like my life depended on it things started to happen fast man I was blessed I walked into my home group and I sat in the back because I went to hide in a corner and they lined up to come shake my hand and hug me and say welcome home. And I heard that word home because I don't know about anybody in this room, I've never had a place that I could call home. When I was married, when I had children, whenI was dad, wheni was in my I just never felt home and I truly felt here in Alcoholics Anonymous, I was home. and was I willing to go to any lengths to do what my sponsor asked me and then would I truly believe God would want from me and that's the question because this wasn't between me and my sponsor he told me that Jack, I'm going to put your hand into a God of your understanding and on the back of our coin it says to thy own self be true you've got to get right with you inside Jack I remember him pushing his table away you know we talked a couple people talked about step one and I can tell you my experience I knew I was powerless over alcohol other things in my life as a manager for my whole life I knew that my experience only just knowing that means absolutely nothing unless I take action I ran the streets for years knowing I was unmanageable and this stuff had a power over me me coming to AA and just admitting that for me means nothing unless I take action unless I follow up with the next step after that which is I'm insane I need a God I need to clean house I need it I need you to get right and I need ask God to mold me as he sees fit and then go to the people that I ripped their hearts out and have an opportunity to make my wrongs right. Keep in touch with him, right? Do an inventory and in 12, continuously think of others. That's a solution to my problem. The question is, am I willing to do it? When your scorecard read zero for me, I was willing to go. I was going to do It. I got to a spot there was nowhere else left. There was nothing else left but Alcoholics Anonymous. you know and I always ask myself did you get to that point where you're sitting there and nothing else works and that pain is so great that you're willing to listen to somebody that's just been on a path before you are you willing to look at his back as I'm looking at my sponsor's back on the same path and just following each other am I willing to stay right sized you know when the pain was great for me I'm willing to do all that it's just when things got better I let up off the God pedal I could put it in neutral I'm good I truly believe for me it's a constant battle between good and bad these principles I live by today is truly like petting a cat backwards right? goes against every fiber of my body. He did a third step. He got on his knees. He moved his coffee table. I'll never forget the moment. And he said, join me. And I remember getting on my knees with that man and feeling for the first time I wasn't phony. Feeling for the first time, maybe, just maybe this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous and helping others is for me. I immediately, thank God, God set it up again where I didn't have an opportunity to say give me a call when your first step's done. I deal with a lot of guys like that. God set up where I had nowhere to go. He said here's a pen and paper. I'll be doing some things around my house. Let me know when you're done. Oh, why so fast with this, right? But I wasn't a brilliant guy. I didn'T know what a resentment was. he said people you're pissed off at I said I can do that and I just started writing I asked God like he asked me and the pen just started going up until that point in my life my perception everything happened to me for a reason to me something magical happens when one alcoholic sits with another he's able to paint pictures about my life in a way I can't see it and he let me know early on that Jack I can see the spot on your shirt perfectly you have a problem seeing it that's why you need me it didn't take long for me to see that I was the problem all along and I didn't like it I didn't like when he held up two pieces of paper one sex inventory, one resentment and one fears he said Jack it's a no wonder you can't be in your own skin because you walk around with this every minute of every day and I've been for years here was an opportunity to let it go to let if go because the things I did I thought that made me who I am but I didn' t realize they were just things I d they're not who I m the fact is I'm just a scared little kid inside that had a hell of a time through life being a son being a brother being a worker being a husband being a friend I didn't know how but I could never tell anybody I had to act as if it's horrible to act like to act as if your whole life just to fit in, just to feel a part of. And I felt for the first time in my life I could be whoever I was in front of this man and at that time I was a broken, broken, empty human being. You know he told me me relying on me I better be fearful. That's where my fears come from. I got that. You know our fifth step I hear a lot we reviewed our fourth I knew what my fourth was we were done with that when we got down to the fifth now we're going to talk about things we've never told anybody things that I thought I was taking to the grave the things that made me separate from you the things that just eat me up are the things I did that nobody knows about but I do I had to get right with that and I did God again because the willingness was there we got on our knees we did six and seven. He made me write a list immediately. Immediately. And let me tell you, six and seventh is a tough one. I find the longer I go, the tougher it is. You know? I was talking to someone today at lunch, you know, being in early, so early on recovery, all I had to do was not drink for the day. Make a meeting and hang out. My perception was like, that is so hard. And I find out today, as the big book talks about, God will have a life built up around you. more responsibilities. Things start to happen. And I've got to remember nothing can come before this. So for me, it's much easier when I'm desperate, when I're in pain. I'm good with these principles. When my life starts to come back together, I've gotta remember this has to come first. So the second time around I started doing 10 and 11. and 12, helping others. I fell in that delusion for a while. Wow, I'm doing 10 in my head. I'm just revealing my day. Until I found telling my sponsees, is that what the book says? And I heard myself say it, so now I read it out of the book. You know what I mean? It says on arrival, on awakening, open it, read it Jack. You know What I mean. I'm Just doing it in my Head. Again, I want to put my stuff in this program. And it gets painful at times. It comes in uphill battle. Keep it simple for me. Basics. Life is different. I got to make amends. I've been to Jackson, Georgia. I haven't seen my father in 19 years. I didn't know the man. I hated him. And my perception changed of, oh my God, I left my dad. And I was able to hop on a plane and go sit across from him and haven't see him in 19 year. He's been on death row. He lost his life to this disease. And I'm going to be able to sit in front of him and own my part. Not say I'm sorry. I might as well spit on you, right? Owning my part about walking out of his life because he had the same disease I had. And then him sit for the following day and get to make amends to me. And then to sit with my mother and converse for hours. See, because I'm delusional thinking I know what I need to make amends for. That could be selfish too for me. Ask the person you hurt. Ask them, is there anything I forgot? Is there anything you'd like to share with me that my delusion seemed to forget? Hear the truth. Let it hit home. See what I've truly done to people while I was in that delusion. And alcoholic torture. Because nobody drank in my home. But they suffered dearly from my alcoholism. I have children who are pretty, pretty bad off because of my disease. Bad. Like I was a father, I'd wait outside my daughter's work begging her for money. Had a son that didn't talk to me for six years. I just talked to him an hour ago. He got his 57-day chip yesterday. My daughter is also in this program. It's like God gives us a second chance. Like, I believe we're so blessed that we get to live two lifestyles in one lifetime and have an opportunity to make our wrongs right. Who gets that? Who gets it? life's good but I never stop I'm constant I was telling Greg earlier I truly believe lately for the past six months something's hit me like I truly don't believe I'm here for me I don't think I don' t believe this blessing is for me like I know in my heart God has given me these blessings to be able to go back to the people that I hurt so bad that I ripped their hearts out time and time again so I could shoot up and show up and make a difference in their life that's why I was blessed with this today and I know my heart God's got me it's just a spiritual principle the more I give of me the more an abundance comes the more you give away the more it comes back like how magical to take someone as self-centered as me and I'm going to tell you something I went to a counselor for years and paid him 100 hours an hour to talk about me that's pretty selfish I love talking about me I've done it my whole life to come to AA and have a shift to know, Jack, you're not that important. You're not that important to be able to go back to the people that you hurt and to see their look in their eyes and to sit around and have coffee and they're not hiding their pocketbooks and take them places and do things with them. I never dreamt I used to hear that beyond my wildest dreams I'm like, oh, here goes one of them guys again. It's truly occurring. I never dreamt of this. I'm lucky I have my mother around to be able to shoot up and show up for her. This is about putting the big boy pants on for me. My whole life I want them little guys on. I'll keep these on. I don't want to be responsible, right? What are you going to expect of me if I've got to act responsible? I didn't know how. I had friends that drove with me to show me you know what I mean the right way but when I don't know I asked most of them say did you go to God and of course someone the blessing of helping others has been the biggest gift that God has truly blessed me with I've gotten to meet some wild, wild, wild characters. I've got them to have some great friendships. My heart is broken to watch people that you sit with today and next week they're no longer on earth. Like this is real. Not everybody gets this gift. That maybe just maybe when you leave here, you may not make it back. Maybe, just maybe, if you're struggling right now, it's your turn. If you're sitting here for the first time and never went back out, if you've been in Africa or if you were sitting here for your 10th time and you've been in and out for the last 5 years if you're just coming in from jail or the parole officer sent you here today or your wife wants you here because you're a better person here but you're fighting it I truly from the bottom of my heart want to welcome you because I've been in every position I know where you're at I didn't read it, nor study it. I lived it. And I truly believe that's what makes the difference of our hearts connecting. We understand each other. There is nothing to read or study here. There's actions to take. God is not between my ears. I find that God is in my feet. there is a reason the group I come from is named feet first what am I doing? am I sitting here stealing from AA? did they bless me with a life second to none but I don't have time for that person walking through the exit sign what am I doing with this gift and I'll tell you life's different for me today than it was when I came you know I'm in my fourth town I'm 43 years old I was unemployable that whole picture I painted things are different I just finished my second year of school couldn't read that's wild you know I'm around a bunch of recovering people all day Alcoholics Anonymous comes first it must for me come first my purpose I truly believe is for the guy that's sitting here looking at his shoelaces wondering what am I doing here what is this guy talking about I feel like a misfit and he's got that voice going on that's saying it'll be different this time you don't need to be around these people that is the guy that's going to save my life today that is my purpose see I came to Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time and was stuck in self and I couldn't get out of my own way it's not about me I'm not a guy that goes to my meeting and I sit in the back with a bunch of my friends and play pinochle and hang out and we laugh because this is a great life to be it's a good corner to hang on but am I truly looking for the new guy or am I hanging out and then practiced them in all my affairs what I've learned is I was so delusional I thought that's just alcoholics only and what God has shown me over the past couple of years is that it's everywhere, Jack. If it's the woman in the convenience store that I'm getting a Red Bull from, right? Who I just think she's being nasty to me because it's all about me. Like I have no idea if her husband was home drunk last night smacking her around. And I might be the smile that says good morning to her when she was just thinking about ending it all. you know as I just spoke for 50 minutes where I come from someone just died someone just did a stick up to get what they had to get someone just got a DUI someone just got beat up by the cops been there and there's some little kid watching his mom get the shit smacked out of her because dad just came home drunk and he ain't happy with dinner I want to be the man standing at the exit sign welcoming that child's father to let him know here on Alcoholics Anonymous we have a solution and it's not put a plug in a jug to get down to causes and conditions to find out why I can't live in my own skin without a drink in me. And take what I learned and just share it with you. And then you get to pass that forward. What a beautiful gift. Truly, what a beautiful gifts. And I am so, so grateful and honored to be a part of it. And I hope you are too. Thank you.