You’ve Got Higher Power Set Up as a Version of You — My Sponsor’s One-Line Cure for My Funky Higher Power – Valerie D.

My name is Valerie Downing and I am an alcoholic and I'm very honored to be here. Thank you for having me. I'm from Richmond, Virginia, so I'm going to break it down Southern style for you. I like that. My sobriety date is October 13th, 1992. My home group is the Jaywalkers group and we meet on Friday nights and Tuesday nights. Tuesday nights we have a meeting just like this. It's a speaker's meeting. We actually have two 10-minute speakers, though, and a break, and then our main speaker. And our Friday meeting is we have a beginner's meeting for 45 minutes of break and then we have a closed discussion meeting. And our topics come out of the big book. So I'm supposed to tell you a little bit. Oh, let me thank Will and Donnie. They have taken beautiful care of me. And actually, I saw Will got so... We kind of got sober together and we miss him, but, you know, we're glad that he's with y'all. So he's gotten a lot better. That's good. But I just love him to death. And him and Donnie have just taken beautiful care of me and very happy to see him and meet her and meet Tom, of course. Tom needs recognition. We all know this. Right? Anyway. Let me make sure I have this right. I can't read that watch. Okay. So I come from an alcoholic home. My father was an active alcoholic. So in all the insanity that that entails, he's now sober 20-plus years in the program. But I grew up with a lot of uncertainty and very violent. Lots of screaming and yelling. Lots of drinking. Lots of him bringing strange women home. And my mom going into conniptions. And it was really entertaining at our house. And they got a divorce when I was seven. My mom married a pilot in the Navy. We moved around a lot. You know, when I think back to that time in my life, before I ever picked up a drink, there was something wrong with me. I always felt very separated from everybody else. I absolutely felt like that outside. I was a very shy outsider looking at other people and not being able to fit. I always said the wrong thing. I always seemed to do the wrong thing. Very inappropriate. And I didn't mean to be that way, but it's just the way I was. And a tremendous amount of fear. Very afraid to talk to anybody. Very afraid to look people in the eye. Very uncomfortable in my own skin. And for a long time, I thought that I was a very uncomfortable person. And I was very afraid to talk to anybody. And I thought that the reason that I was so thwarted was because of my upbringing. I've come to find out that what I have is alcoholism. While my upbringing may have put a nice little spin on my personality, it had nothing to do with alcoholism. Anyway, you know, my sponsor used to talk a lot about that we are power seekers. And I identify with that. I've absolutely been a power seeker my entire life. And I've been a power seeker for a long time. And the first place that I found some power was in being a thief. It was relief for a very short time. So, you know, I used to steal my friend's toys. Or my one friend. I used to steal her toys and hide them under my bed. And that continued for the rest of my life. I've been a thief in every way that you can be a thief. Not just taking material things but emotional, mental, spiritual. I've been a thief my entire life. I've been a thief by the gate. I've been a thief by the door. so I had my first drink when I was around 14 and it was such magic for me it solved that internal problem that I had the huge hole in my gut so beautifully that I pursued it with a vengeance at the expense of everything and within a period of year I was labeled ungovernable by the state of Florida had been in somebody relates and habitual runaway habitual truant and juvenile detention centers transient use centers and those were all consequences of my drinking or me trying to run away from my drinking any responsibilities that I had I I did not fulfill them anymore because literally drinking became the central fact of my life and my parents started sending me to psychiatry and psychologists trying to figure out what was wrong with me and this one drink that they sent me to said your daughter's got a drug and alcohol problem so in 1982 and I was 15 I was put into a treatment center in Jacksonville Beach Florida and spent about three months there and that's when insurance was good that's when you pay for the whole thing for three months and it was like a resort and I was not a good treatment center participant I did I broke the rules you know one of the things that I heard Peggy Martin say one time she said you know the rules don't apply to me I live above the rules and I understand that's the story of my life I'll do what you want me to do while you're looking but as soon as you turn your back I'm going to do what I want to do and I don't care about the consequences they don't even come to mind so some people call that being a psychopath but um Anyway, so I was in treatment, and I wasn't a good treatment center participant. As a matter of fact, you know, if you're good and you do what you're supposed to do and all that good stuff, you know, you get to move up levels and get privileges and move up days, so you could be on, like, level three day six, and, you know, you get to take a shower by yourself or whatever. You guys take showers by yourself. I'm just being dramatic. Anyway, when I left treatment, I was on level one day one. I did not follow the rules. But the good thing that happened to me there was that I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. They would bring meetings into the treatment facility. And I remember also this guy who was one of our counselors, and he was in the program in AA. His name was Dick T. And I remember he had all us kids, you know, and he was telling us about alcoholism and, you know, showing us the bad films, trying to scare us and what. And I remember him saying, there's maybe 30 of us in there. Only three of y'all will make it. And that's the only thing I really remember from being in that treatment center is that only three of us was, we were going to make it. And I remember thinking to myself, I'm going to be one of those ones who makes it, but I had no idea what I was saying. I just was like, you know, you can't scare me, old man. And anyway, I started going to meetings, and I started going to meetings in Orange Park, Florida, and, you know, having your mommy drop you off. But the AA clubhouse really sucks. So I would have her drop me off down the street, and I'd, you know, traipse on up there. And just on the bad side of town, this rickety old building, and this is when you could still smoke in meetings. So there was, like, the six-foot cloud of smoke hanging from the ceiling and the coffee pots in the corner and all these really old people in that meeting. And I sat in the back, which, of course, you know, we call Winner's Row, and sat back there and watched them all. And, you know, back then there weren't a lot of, out that way, there were not a lot of young people coming into AA. So I would hear things like, girl, you are still young. You have a chance. You do not have to do what we have done. You do not have to go where we have gone. If you will go home and just listen to your parents start going to church. And, you know, and I tried some of that. I mean, I've been saved numerous times. I've been dipped, dunked, turned over twice. I can't even. I can't even tell you how many times. But anyway, it's that whole Bible Belt thing. But anyway, so it became my personal mission to prove to those old crusty dudes that I belonged. And what I did is I stole a key to the clubhouse, and I stole their money, and I would use the money to buy alcohol, and then I'd take my friends to go party at the AA clubhouse. And so we were drinking in the AA clubhouse. And I got caught once. But we all hightailed it out of there. But anyway, so I was just trying to belong. So I was in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous for a couple of years. I never got more than three months maybe put together. I didn't understand what it meant to be an alcoholic. I didn't get a sponsor. I went to meetings. Some young people were starting to come in because of treatment centers. So I found some people to run around with. Sobriety really was to me. Just not. Drinking. And I don't remember a lot of the solution, how I understand it today, being discussed in the meeting. I may be wrong, but I don't remember it that way. So I never stayed for very long. And when I was 17, I got into a lot of legal trouble. My choices were A, either you're going to juvie, or B, you're going to get sober. And I chose sobriety. And at that point, I was in enough pain and frustrated enough, that I decided I'm going to get sober and stay sober for the rest of my life. And I meant that. And I moved out to Los Angeles, California. My dad was now sober like five years out there in LA. And I got a sponsor in name only, which is my favorite kind. And because of pressure from my father, because he was paying back a men's money he owed to me, and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that, so I did what he asked me to do. And, you know, while he was looking. But I went to a meeting every day. Went to the 13-step dances, that's what we called them. Hung out at the clubhouse. As a matter of fact, the clubhouse that I used to hang out at was the Covina 502. And our saying there was, who's on who at the 502? And I'm like, yeah. And I'm all over that. And as a matter of fact, this guy, Big Book Mac, he said to me one day, he goes, girl, you need to go to the clubhouse. And I said, yeah. And he said, yeah. And I said, yeah. And he said, yeah. And he said, yeah. And he said, yeah. And I said, yeah. And I said, yeah. And I said, yeah. Sit down, shut up, and keep your legs crossed. Because, you know, if it was walking, I was chasing it. I was one of those female predators in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? And just insane. Insane. You know, the interesting thing about alcoholism is that I can stop drinking, and I can become even more insane. I can become stark raving sober. Well, stark raving dry is probably a better way to put it. A friend of ours, a young person, who's a drunk one, North Carolina calls it so-dry-ity. I'm so dry. But anyway, I mean, nothing in my life changed. I was still a thief. I was still a liar. Very much a taker. Running through groups of people on Alcoholics Anonymous. Getting a reputation in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, that's bad when you're in a meeting and you're like, you, you, you, and you, and you. You know, and it's, you know, of men that you have carnal knowledge of. It's bad. And, you know, it makes it hard to stay in one place. Because it catches up with you. But that's what I'm trying to tell you is that I stopped drinking, but I was so spiritually ill and got sicker and sicker and sicker because nothing changed. I just stopped drinking. And as a result, as a result of living that way after three and a half years of being dry, going to a meeting every day, having a sponsor and name only, doing what I wanted to do, I drank and it happened just like that. There absolutely was no effective mental defense against the first drink. And the rationalizations that my mind generated the next morning were, well, oh, and I found a man who wants to take care of me. That always helps. But the things that were going through, the things that were going through my head was, you know, that was just a phase. I was just young then. I'm better now. And I have this guy who wants to take care of me. He thinks I'm a diamond in the rough. He only knew. You know? I mean, we're such liars, you know. So, yeah, it's bad. So anyway, you know, and I drank. And I stayed out there for four years. And I moved from L.A. to Atlanta. I was in Atlanta a couple years, worked in the music industry for a little while. Did not want to be an alcoholic. As a matter of fact, I went to one AA meeting when I was in Atlanta. And I remember going in and talking to this gal and telling her, I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic. And she looked at me and she goes, well, you're here, aren't you? And I said, yeah, but I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic. And today, if somebody comes up and says that to me, and they're in an AA meeting, I don't say, well, if you're here, it must mean you are. Because quite frankly, there are people that get sent here all the time that are not alcoholics. And it is my job as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous to help them find out whether they are an alcoholic of our type, the hopeless variety. And it's my job to find them out. So that applause threw me off. Sorry. Anyway, so that was great for me. I left, and I never went back. And started running with musicians, and I liked the way that they lived. And started to get into some trouble, started to have some consequences. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Same thing moving from group of people to group of people. Burning bridges. Capable of some really ugly things. Did a lot of ugly things actually while I've been sober and while I've been drinking. I slowly, not that I had much of one to begin with, but whatever conscience I had was gone. I could do a lot of things and feel nothing whatsoever. No remorse at all. I would have these moments of there's something wrong though. And I would try to fix my life. And besides getting married, I decided I'm going to raise sheep. And so I got some sheep. And I thought that whole back to nature shoveling sheep do thing would do the trick. And then pretty soon I was drunk with my sheep. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I thought that whole back to nature shoveling sheep do thing would do the trick. And I was like, I'm going to do this. Way drunk with my sheep. And it's a good thing I'm not a man and I'm very serious about that. Very serious. I can easily see how that happens. I'm not kidding. Easily. I understand men who have that on their fist up. I understand. I do. Because, you know, everything looks good when you've been drinking. So. But anyway. So, you know, after a couple of years in Atlanta, you know, my then husband got transferred up to New York. And thank God because I was really starting to burn some serious bridges there. And I got pregnant. And I wish I could tell you that I didn't drink or do anything else while I was pregnant. But I did. And I had my son. I thought, well, now that I have had a child, you know, I'm like a lot of women who think, you know, this relationship is going to solve the problem. Or if I have a child, that this will solve the problem. Just incredibly spiritually immature. Just immature, period. But just that kind of bizarre thinking. And so I had this child. And I was not drinking when we. Went up there. And I went to go see the doctor for his checkup. And I was breastfeeding at the time. And the doctor said, well, you know, if you drink a beer, it will help let your milk down. The whole yeast thing. And I don't drink beer. I'm a liquor drinker. I think beer is for wimps. But it sounds like an okay idea. So I say, okay. So I start drinking beer. And I liked it. So I started. That's what started it all off again. Where I was back to drinking every day. And just drinking insanely. With no control whatsoever. And I did all the things that I swore I would never do. I really did a lot of damage my last two years of drinking. Because like I told you earlier, I lost any type of conscience. I was the kind of parent that would drop their child off and not come back because I started drinking. And I would take my child with me downtown to buy other substances. And my thinking was, well, I'm going in a minivan. So if I get caught, you know, I'll just tell my social worker, you know. I mean, just crazy. And I started carrying a gun. And I led a complete double life. I started representing artists. So it was like this fine art rep by day. And then I was hanging out in biker bars at night with a skull and crossbone do-rag on my head, you know. And not that there was anything wrong. I was just hanging out. I was hanging out. There was nothing wrong with that. But my life was a lie. It was complete two opposite extremes. And God forbid the two meet. And I did a lot of damage to a lot of people in my last two years of drinking. On one particular evening, for whatever reason, it was a humiliating evening. And I'd had hundreds of those before. But for me, it was a humiliating evening. And for some reason, I believe it was God's grace, I was awake to the way that people were looking at me. When I was dropped off at my house and I'm, you know, stumbling up the stairs and my dress is in shambles. And I have no idea where my underwear is. That's gone. And the driver's looking at me like, you poor, pathetic, disgusting woman. And that registered I saw that. And I go into the bathroom because I'm throwing up because I'm a puker. And the woman who is watching. My son says, where have you been? You're supposed to be home hours ago. And I saw the look on her face. And the phone rang. And it was my father. And he, in essence, 12, stepped me back into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I decided, well, when I moved down, we were getting ready to move down to Richmond, Virginia. When I moved down to Richmond, I'm going to get sober. I'm going to give this another shot. And so, you know, a month later, I'm in Richmond. And I go to my first AA meeting at the Phoenix Group. And I was like, oh, this is appropriate. I'm going to rise from the ashes. And the grandiosity knows no bounds. And, you know, I go to the meeting. I feel like I'm home. I wanted to be there. I felt like I heard how it works read for the very first time. And I knew it was me and that all pertained to me. I knew I was in the right place. And I wanted to stop drinking. I needed to stop. I needed to stop drinking. And I ended up being drunk two more times. And I had no intention whatsoever of drinking. And I'm so grateful for that experience because it clearly demonstrates to me that I'm absolutely 100% powerless over alcohol. Like our book talks about, the alcoholic can have great need, great desire, great wish to not drink. And it's not enough. It simply is not enough. And my last drink was actually up in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I went up there to see an artist. And he had whiskey in his studio. And he just asked me. And I was serious about being an AA. Serious. Willing to do anything. And he just asked me, do you want a shot? I said, yes, I do. Just like that. And I was only able to have two shots. And then my now ex-husband showed up. And that is the worst thing in the world when somebody shows up and interrupts your drinking. You know, because you're just starting to taste it at two. And so anyway, he picked me up. I couldn't drink anymore. And he's disgusted. And later on that night, I'm sneaking out of bed trying to finish the job off. And I can't wait because I can't stand it anymore. I can barely live with myself. I'm so uncomfortable. And I'm trying to drink. And I can't get it down while I'm getting it down. But it's just, I'm having a hard time. And I just. I begged God. I just said, God, please help me. And I don't know if it was a sincere prayer. I don't know what happened. But since then, I have not had a drink. And that's absolutely because of a power greater than myself. I have nothing to do with that. And I'm very clear on that. I am just as powerless over alcohol today as I was the day I walked into rooms, the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven't grown new power. And I'm willing to do what it is that you guys asked me to do. So I stay in that position of neutrality. Because I don't ever want to live that way again. So I got sober. My first nine months, you know, they give you all kinds of suggestions in your first year of what not to do. I didn't listen to any of that. You know, I was married. And my sponsor said, don't leave your husband. And I left him immediately. And don't have affairs. I don't have a job. And I had two going. Because, you know, you always have to have something going on the side before you actually make your move. And so I went to a meeting every day, though. I called my sponsor every day. I wanted to be here. I was willing to do whatever you guys asked me to do. Anything. And but, you know, I was still really sick. Very, very spiritually sick. And I had grave emotional and mental disorders as well. I was, you know, an unlovely creature. And anyway, I left my husband. Going to meetings every day. Crazy as a bed bug. Bouncing off the walls. I don't know how to live. I don't know how to be self-supporting through my own contributions. I don't know how to pay bills. I don't know how to go to work. I don't know how to get a job. I dropped out of high school. No education. Just not a clue on how to live. Because I'd always found somebody to take care of me. So here I am, you know. Stark, raving sober. And bouncing off the walls. But going to a meeting every day. And around nine months I met some big book people. And started going to this meeting called Fourth Dimension. And it was amazing to me to realize that there were actually directions in that book. And that's actually where How It Works came from. I had no idea. I had no idea. I had no idea that there were directions. Like it was amazing to me that there were directions. It was amazing. directions on how to start and end your day in the 11 step. I mean, I started having, you know, little spiritual epiphanies, you know, and I was just on fire and, you know, little lights were going off here and there and God was a big billboard blinking. There is a God, you know, I was having an experience and, um, I became an evangelist and excited and, um, um, started to become a member, not only of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I started to become a member of society and get a job, even though I didn't work very well. Um, it took a long time for me to be willing to work, um, to give myself completely to that when I'm there because I'm so very lazy in every way that you can imagine. Um, but anyway, so I was just on fire and, uh, still a lot of unmanageability in my life. So a lot of unmanageability with relationships, you know, speeding tickets, not paying my bills on time, but at least I'm trying to pay them. Um, I'm, uh, you know, being taken through the steps. Um, I started to feel resistance within me and I paid attention to that. Um, and I didn't talk to anybody about that. Um, and in around three and a half years sober, I hit my dark night of the soul where I was on the floor depressed. Uh, suicidal, homicidal, could not work at all. Hated AA, hated the people in AA, hated God. I thought you're all full of crap. I thought AA doesn't work. I didn't understand why it was happening to me. Um, a messy breakup. Um, I mean, it was just awful. People in AA, uh, were saying, uh, stay away from her because I went nuts. And, um, one gal said, you know, you need to be committed. You need to go away for a little while because you're crazy. And, uh, my behavior was, uh, um, very erratic and very violent. I started going after people physically. I'm happy to report that I haven't had the cops called on me in sobriety in a very long time. Um, at least a good eight years. And, um, um, but I was very angry and it's like all this stuff just showed up just complete, utter rage. And then on the floor, depression. And, you know, I was told I needed to go away. I was told I needed to be on medication. Um, I was told a lot of things. And, um, and I was very, just very angry at God because I, I didn't understand what was happening. And I, I thought God was doing it to me. And, you know, I'm sensitive and I don't suffer well. And I'm like, you know, giving God the finger. And I'm like, why are you doing this to me? And, um, you know, you suck. And after everything I've done for you, I'm like, I'm not doing this to you. And, um, and I'm like, I'm not doing this to you. And all these people I've tried to help. And I mean, you know, King baby, you know, but it was very real at the time. I meant it. I, I truly did not understand. And I met this woman, um, in Louisville, Kentucky. I was hosting her at a conference in Virginia beach and I heard her talk and, you know, it's a miracle. I was even asked to, to host her because the people who put on that conference thought I was a lunatic. So I really think it was a God thing. God was saving my life. Uh, I really believe that God is saving my life. And I really believe that God is saving my life. And I really believe that God is saving my life. And I really believe that God is incredibly merciful. Um, but anyway, I listened to her and I loved her because she talked about being 12 years sober and crazy as a bed bug. And she was standing at the door, um, waiting for her boyfriend to come home. He was out drinking and gambling and she was waiting at the door with a shotgun, just waiting for the old boy to walk on through. And I was like, yeah. And, uh, I understand that kind of rage. I mean, she got me right where I was living and, but she was talking about, but what I was doing was I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was worried about her because I wasn't really sure how Uk怅x was viewable. Only for over a year or two. but had the time to get away and try a do't come out here. that time to get away and try a do not come out here. Is that really us? was really my health?ハ Ал the certain goal in her life? Hu, I always dreamed that my year was pretty bright. And she'd say, Oh girl naw, about two steps at a time. come one extra step. And I found it was just so exciting. you all the time. Wow, my parents were so smart as p e. There'a people out. There's a lot of guys out there who do � n達ac. mad dog. And like those Louisiana psychics, she goes, and you're going to die. And you're going to die if you don't get this. And I knew that. And it's like either I better get it, or yeah, I am going to die because I can't stand this, if this is sobriety. And not to be corny, but drinking really wasn't an option. That wasn't present. That had been removed. So anyway, she had me look at the circle and the triangle. And she said, are you willing to submit every area of your life to this circle and triangle, our three legacies? The 12 steps, the traditions, and the concepts. And I said, yes, I am. And she started asking me some very specific questions. She said, well, let's talk about what you've done with the steps. This is what we do here. Have you done this? Have you done this? Have you done this? And there were some things that I had withheld on my fourth step. So I had to be honest there. There were some amends that I was absolutely unwilling to make because those peeps didn't deserve it. I was going to say another word, but I'm at the podium. Because those people did not deserve my amends. And I'll work with others when it's convenient for me. And she goes, we've got a lot of work to do. And then she had me look at the tradition. She goes, what's your conduct like in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous? What's that been looking like for the last little while? And the truth of the matter was, I had a home group, but I showed up when it was convenient for me because I take action based on how I feel. That's how I lived. If I felt like going to the meeting, I'd go to the meeting. Or if he was going to be there, I'd go to the meeting. I didn't always show up on time. I didn't stay late. I didn't keep commitments unless it was convenient for me. I didn't know anything about group conscience. I didn't know anything about showing up and doing it consistently. I didn't know anything about the traditions. And I didn't know how to conduct myself in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Still very much a taker in Alcoholics Anonymous. And we talked about the concepts, and she said, of immense value when you start to become of service to the Fellowship. And we'll talk about that more later. But anyway, she said, Valerie, we're going to start at page one, at the very beginning, actually at the blank page. And we're going to go through this book. And when it says pray, we're going to pray. When it says write, we're going to write. When it says go here and do this, we're going to go there and do that. It asks a question. We're going to answer it. Are you willing? And that's all she asked me. And she didn't care what the answer was. But she wanted to know what I was going to do. She was not attached to whether I got it or not. She didn't care. She was just willing to help me if I was willing to do it. So I was willing to do it. She got me up to fourth step. I went home. I wrote inventory. Went back. Fifth stepped it with her. Well, no, actually, there's a little story here. She was, at the time, I thought she was a mean old woman. I got there with my inventory, and it was a very sensitive, very sensitive inventory. You know, I had reached new levels of honesty in this inventory. I had tried very hard not to edit in this inventory or withhold in this inventory. I was laying it all out on the line. You know, and when you're still in that place, you think you're so different from everybody else. I mean, you really do. Or I did, anyway. And I thought that nobody else thought that way. Nobody else took those actions. Because I did, you know, because I am such a liar. Well, I'm just the actor. This is what I want you to see. And, you know, there's nothing to see here, you know. I'm an actor, and I was a liar. And she knew that about me. So what she did is she sat me in her little sunroom, and she sent somebody in there that I didn't even know, and she said, read it to her. And I was kind of upset about that. But I said, okay. And then when she was done hearing it, she sent in another woman, and I had to read it to her, and I didn't know her either. And then she sent in another woman, and I had to read it to her. I didn't know her either. The benefit of that for me was that my ego was smashed at depth. She knew what a liar I was. She knew what an actor I was. And the reality is, is that the more people that know the truth about me, the better. You know, one of the things I see on these cards is stay transparent. It's so important for us. Because or for me. Because I can fall into leading a double life like that. Or thinking I'm different. Or thinking, well, I shouldn't be doing that now. You know, I should, that character defect should have been removed. So I'm not going to tell anybody about that. Because I'm embarrassed. Or because I keep, I still want to do it. You know? And I know it's wrong, and I don't want to talk to anybody about it, because then I might have to surrender it. You know, stuff like that. So it smashed my ego at depth. And people knew the truth about me. And they knew the truth of what I was capable of doing. And it was a really powerful experience for me. And, you know, did six and seven. And that was an amazing experience. To backtrack a little bit, she, you know, when she took me through the first step, you know, word for word, she said, ask those questions. Ask me if I identify, can I bring my experience to what they're talking about when they're describing alcoholism, being powerless over alcohol, and also in manageability. I had a real experience with the first step that I'd never had before. And it was awesome. I finally got it about I cannot do this on my own. I can't. And I've been trying to will myself through life and through sobriety. And I keep failing. And I started to understand why after doing that, my first first step in that way. It was a powerful experience for me. Aside from the knowledge of knowing that I already knew that I couldn't drink. That was clear to me. But this unmanageable, it's a new word. That's what we say in the South. This unmanageability, I hadn't fully gotten. And you know, when we went through we agnostics, I was still really angry at God. And I had a lot of issues with God. I had a lot of issues and concerns. As a matter of fact, I remember, and it's taken me a long time to come out of that. And thank God for strong, effective sponsorship and the willingness to be sponsored because they helped me look at my ideas about God. Because I had some funky ideas. I absolutely believe that God had favorites. I believe that God had favorites. I believe that God had favorites. I believe there were the haves and the have-nots. And I was a have-not. I believed you had to do this thing perfectly or you would never get it. Because I would hear these people talk and they seemed to just have something that I just couldn't grasp. I didn't understand why things seemed so easy for them. And I hated them. Because I was still at war with everything. And at war with myself. Couldn't change if my life depended on it. And couldn't let go. I mean, when I would hear them say, it's going to be okay. Trust God. I mean, I wanted to. I mean, I hated that. I really did. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me that I could not get this. And I remember calling up Don one time later on down the road. And I got my knickers all in a twist about something because I'm in a pain. And I feel like I have to pray just right. Because if I don't pray just right, I'm not going to get relief. And I want relief. And he goes, well, what are your ideas about God? I'm like, well, right now I think God is punishing, vindictive, angry, judgmental. And he goes, well, you've got God set up as a version of you. And I'm like, ooh, low blow. You know? That stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't want to even say, oh, honey, it's going to be all right. You're going to get it. God loves you. You know, but no. You've got God set up as a version of you. Because I am all those things. I am punishing, vindictive, play favorites. I do that not nearly as much. But that's me. That is me. And perfection from others. Or I won't just love you. I assign you a role. And if you will behave according to this role, you get, you know, my attention. Works for me, you know? How bad do you want it, you know? Yeah. So, I mean, I've had to look at a lot of my funky ideas. And my mind, you know? I remember saying to Don one time, and the guy that was up here before me, I can't remember his name, and I was like, I understand that totally. But being afraid of your own mind. You know, and my sponsor saying to me, you have good reason to be. Don't trust it, you know? Because I would go do what I thought, you know? And it wasn't always a bright idea. It wasn't. It wasn't always a good thing. So, I mean, they really helped me start to look at that and to stop relying on my mind. And they talked to me a lot that this is about the realm of the spirit. You know? And they helped me step from bridge to shore. They helped melt my icy intellectual mound because I love things that satisfy the mind. I mean, I used to love to navel gaze and delve into my psyche. You know? And that's not what this is about. Interesting stuff, but that's not what this is about. Interesting stuff, but it won't solve my problem. So, anyway, I've had a lot of really interesting experiences in we agnostics. And then, of course, you know, turning it all over. You know, one thing, too, I'll share with you. I called Don up one time, and I had to read him some inventory. And he goes, I get to the fourth column, and I go, well, here's my part. And he goes, what'd you say? I said, this is my part. And he goes, where does it say that in the big book? I was like, in the fourth column part of the book. He said, really? Go find that for me. So, I really believe it's there because I hear it in the meetings all the time. I really believe it's there. I read something that isn't even there. It's not in the book. It doesn't say my part. And, you know, what was interesting is I was reading to him again and resentments that I had been writing on over and over and over again that I just couldn't get free of. The reason I couldn't get free is because they, they still had a part. I had my part, and they had theirs. I had not disregarded the other person involved entirely. Entirely. So, I never got free. So, now, it's just funny. I mean, I just laugh at myself. I mean, it wasn't even in there, you know, and I thought it was. You know, and that's, you don't want to say that to your sponsor, but he forgave my naivety. But anyway, so I got free of those resentments. Six and seven are really powerful to me. Not to, you know, offend any big book fundamentalists, but one of the things that I really like in the 12 and 12, even though I know they're essays, is that the six and seven, they say, separates the men from the boys. Very true. The girls from the ladies. That is, to me, where a lot of, a lot of, not magic, but there's a lot of power in those steps. I have had amazing experiences just by following the directions. They're short, simple, to the point. There's no BS. Just do what they're asking you to do, and you will be changed. It's that simple. And then, of course, it's none of your business what you're, what's removed and what's not, which, you know, I had issues with that, too, but whatever. I got issues with, you know, because, you know, I want to be, I want to be so, I used to be so afraid of pain, so afraid of spiritual discomfort. I was afraid of making decisions. Because I didn't want to make the wrong decision. Because if I make the wrong decision, then I'm going to have pain. And if I have pain, I don't know what I'm going to do. And I'm just screwed. And so I wanted to get so spiritually fit that I experienced no pain. And I was telling Don my theory on this. And he goes, I said, I'm just trying to get there. You know, there. And he goes, Valerie, there is no there. There's right now, but there is no there. So now I don't fear pain. Not that I'm asking for any, but I don't fear it. Because I've also learned on the other side of pain or suffering or whatever you want to call it, are great, great blessings. I've always become much more effective in every area of my life when I come out the other side. So it doesn't scare me anymore if I go through difficulty. I mean, it's going to happen. Now I'm like, just bring it on, whatever. And that's a great blessing. That's a great blessing. That's a great blessing. That's a great gift because I used to be so afraid. I've had to do a lot of amends. I owed a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of money because I've been a thief for so long. And I was one of those people that stole from friends, from family, from anywhere. I mean, if I was there, I stole. And I owed a lot of cash. And at the time, I was making, I think, $13,000, $12,000 a year. It was inconceivable to me to pay this debt back. And, of course, my bright idea is, well, I'll just start saving. And when I have it all, I'll pay it all back. Seems like a good idea to me. And my sponsor told me, no, you took it out of the world. You've got to put it back into the world. And we're going to follow the directions, which says you contact, and you arrange the best deal that you can. And if it's $1 a month or $5 a month, you pay it. And you pay it regularly. And I was very resistant to this idea. I did not like this. This is my money, and I have so little. Don't you understand? And my sponsor didn't seem to care and said, you agreed at the beginning to go to any length, any length. So do it. Or find somebody else to work with, because I ain't playing. Do you want what we have or don't you? So I started writing the checks. And strangest thing happened. Once I started to pay back that money, more money started to come into my life, which enabled me to pay off even more of those amends. And then more money came into my life. I was able to pay back even more amends. And I'm happy to report. I'm almost completely finished paying off over $40,000 in debt of what I owed. And the majority of that was stuff that I stole. And I had to pray for amounts and all that stuff. And what's interesting is new stuff pops up all the time. I'm like, enough. Jesus, what was I doing? I mean, it's like, can there possibly be any more? And then more shows up. I'll remember, like when I stole from the Piggly Wiggly. It's like, you know. And so anyway, but I'm willing. I'm willing to. It is so important to me to make amends today if I have caused harm in any way. I used to get very uppity and uncomfortable about that too. But today I'm like, screw it. This is what this asked me to do. It hasn't hurt me yet. If I'm humbled, great. I give up. I want to be what God would have me be. And I'm willing to pay that price. You know, and my sponsor used to tell me all the time, there's a price to pay here, Valerie. Are you willing to pay it? I mean, I heard that constantly. Price to pay. Price to pay for everything. And am I willing to pay it? I do the 10th step regularly on a daily basis. One time I really got into the habit of following the directions. And. How that happened was I used to call Don up and I wanted him to run my life for me. And because I wanted him to be my higher power. And he said, Valerie, quit trying to steal my experience. You're such a thief. Why don't you follow the directions when you face indecision, like you're directed in the 10th and 11th step? And let me know what happens. You know, because I'm one of those people. Tell me what to think. Tell me what to do. Tell me what to say. Tell me where to go. Because I don't want to take any responsibility for nothing. I used to hate it when I called my sponsor. My sponsor would say, oh, you're just growing up. I mean, I hate that. I just heard that recently. Oh, you're just growing up. Or you need to grow up. Because I just don't like it. So, but anyway. Currently. So I do that with the 10th step. And it's become an active part of my life. Of talking to God. Seeking guidance or talking to another alcoholic. And then making amends if I've caused any damage. The 11th step today has been boiled down very simply. This is just where I'm at currently. Three months from now could be something very different. I've been, something's moving around. I don't know what it is. I'm a little uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't know if it's because of the death of my sponsor or what. But the only thing that I've been able to do is say that peace. And the 11th step, which is God, I pray that your will be done, not mine. And actually I say, merciful father. I pray that your will be done, not mine. And it seems to be the only thing that creates a place within me. That I can rest. Where I'm not taken, you know, hostage by my head. Or by my emotions. Um. And I'm very, very grateful. I'm very, very grateful. I'm very active in carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. I sponsor a lot of women. Very active in my home group. Very active in the fellowship. We just put on a conference. We put on talent shows. We go dancing. We go out to eat. We gather at each other's homes. And it is the fellowship that I craved my entire life. A friend of ours named Paige says, I'm way overpaid by Alcoholics Anonymous. Way overpaid. And that is my story today. And I'm not talking about money. I am way overpaid by Alcoholics Anonymous in every area of my life. On paper, I should not even have the life that I have today. It's not possible in the world. But in the realm of the spirit, it's been possible. And it's because of y'all. It's because of strong sponsorship. And a willingness to show up and do what I was asked to do. And that's my story. And I'm sticking to it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.