Your Recovery Is Your Responsibility – Amy D.

Amy from Louisville Kentucky thank you Amy Spain Duncan I am an alcoholic okay so I've got to do this because my sponsors call me Kramer I don't know if you guys have ever watched Seinfeld but if there's an opportunity to knock something over or mess something up I will seize that opportunity thank you all for having me. My sobriety date is March 6, 2010. I have a home group. It's called Lambton. It's a three-legacy home group and my home group raised me. I do have a sponsor and she's doing the best she can but I'm a lot for one woman so my home room is kind of that for me because in my home root the bank teller, the bank robber, and the bank president will all be there and we have eight minutes of sobriety to 48 years and I love my home group where like I said when you get there they put you in service we meet three days a week and we also take a meeting into treatment or treatment we're doing treatment now we used to take a meaning into Corrections so there's a lot opportunity there and a demonstration of the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous we have regular business meetings we have a format we follow I love my home group. I've been with my home group 15 years so I've spent over 16 years and the first year of that I lived in a homeless shelter and I decided to get that out of the way I am a low bottom drunk I didn't have enough sense to get here when it got bad I let it get worse and worse and worse the book describes it as the annihilation of all things worthwhile and that's where my alcoholism took me. Sobriety Dates sponsor a home group. I sponsor women, and I love that. That is an incredible thing to do is to sponsor women and to watch the light come on for them. And I sponsor low-bottom drunks as well, and God's kind of a show-off. So if you take somebody that's relatively normal, maybe they're passing for normal in society, You know, and then they get better in alcoholics than honest. It's like, oh, that's cool. That's really sweet. But you take somebody who's, like, badly mangled, beaten under the lash of alcoholism, and you restore them, and I get to witness that, and that's pretty cool. And if I ever forget my miracle, I'm reminded by theirs constantly. So I love that. I love sponsoring women. and it's I've learned more about me sponsoring women than I ever did in my own first journey through the steps because it's a mirror they're just holding up a mirror for me to look at it and if they where do I do that and do you remember we used to do that or when you used to think that or do you still think that you know that kind of thing and this whole deal is about growth and evolution. I'm a little nervous. I just turned 16, and I remember when I first came in, people were like with 20 years of sobriety. I thought they have all the answers. I mean, look at them. They're so serene and calm. They don't look baffled. I am baffLED all the time, and so an old-timer back home said remember how you used to look at people when you came in that had 20 years I said oh yeah and he said you know they how they got that or when that happened I said no and they said between 16 and 20. They said get ready and I was like oh man uh so but God's making me real uncomfortable right now that's just part of the deal um but I want to talk uh you know anytime we talk is it's to bring hope to the newcomer so I don't want you don't wanna tell you how scared I am right now no it's gonna be fine everything's fine I want to tell you a little bit about what it was like and what happened so what it looks like for me was dark and bad and but not always I was second row center stage ACDC money talks in 92 that was a rockin good time after the police came it wasn't so cool but before that I was having a good time you know I'm saying and I used to go to bars and concerts and and feel proud from a little tank well I'm from Louisville my folks divorced and my mom remarried and we moved to a one-horse town in southern Indiana there is a sign that says population 85 so I was not happy about moving there I wasn't happy about about stepdad I wasn't happy about I miss my daddy I'm a daddy's girl and I wasn't mad at my dad only my mama was mad at my dad so I didn't think it was fair that she made that decision that affected all of us so you know in such a way so I was resentful at seven years old I'm resentful I'm mad at Mama and the thing is my first resentment is against the woman who would literally take a bullet for me I mean that's crazy But see, I struggle until I got here with you. I didn't know how to receive love. I certainly didn't give any. But the act of receiving love was difficult. I felt broken, different. People around me loved me. I was really smart in school. And I was always praised for that and encouraged for that. We had Sunday dinner at my grandmother's house. I played with my cousins. You know, I went to parochial schools. I had all kinds of advantages and opportunities. And nothing felt right. It just didn't feel right. And I was angry. I was born with this rage in me. I don't know where it came from. Through our program and reading the 12 and 12, it's more than rage, it's wrath. And wrath is, I will burn it down. You know? And that's the kind of temper I have. I will flip tables, I will hit you in the face I will burn it to the ground and I don't know where that came from and I had that at 8, 9, 10 years old that's the makings for dangerously antisocial later on I mean, I was kind of born with that in me I remember the first time I drank my cousins and I had uh we i'm gonna date myself here uh there was a show called get smart and it was about spies i love that show and uh we got out of we drew a map and and uh there was a gang i was the leader and and we were going i was going to cause a distraction and this one was going go in the side door and that one was going to reach out from under we're going to steal a beer and all meet back at my grandpa's bedroom on the other side of the bed And the plan came off without a hitch. And I didn't get drunk that day, but I remember liking that. You know, I like the criminality of that. I say, I never went to school to study to be a criminal. It's just natural in me. It's funny because today I work as a consultant. One of my jobs is consulting, and I consult on policy and procedure because I understand government regs and oversight and state law and regulation. People are like, you understand all that? And I say, I do. Oh, I've always understood the rules. I just don't follow the rules and I'm really good at finding the way around the rule, you know? My brain just naturally does this thing but I remember the excitement of pulling off a crime, you know, and we drank that beer and nothing happened And then it was years later, and I was probably in junior high when I finally got a chance to drink. And I ran with older people. And listen, in that one horse town, there wasn't a lot to do. But we'd meet in fields. And we would meet at creeksides. And we Would meet in the back of people's pickup trucks. And we WOULD drink. And usually it was with older People, older kids. and I remember drinking and loving it. Just loving it Listen, the parochial schools, daddy's and mama's divorce none of that makes me an alcoholic. I am a textbook alcoholic as defined in the doctor's opinion of our literature I have a physical allergy to alcohol and that sets off in me a phenomenon of craving meaning when I drink I get thirsty-er And the other thing that happens for me is I can't stop thinking about drinking. And my friend Tim says, I'm either thinking about drinkin', you know, I's gonna drink or when I'm gonna drink, how I'm going to drink. I'm thinking about thinkin' or I'm thinkin about me. And there's only two things I'm thinkin' about at 13, 14, and boys. I did think a lot about boys, I gotta say. I did. I had hot pants. I was the girl that your moms would call my mom and be like, you keep your daughter away from my precious son. And I'd be like going to get him, going to give him. I did some damage, Lord. i have a precious son of my own now so just know it's come back around uh but but i needed that validation and i needed to feel accepted and i needed to fill approved and i need it to i needed your attention and i did all that to make me okay and i didn't know i had a spiritual malady I didn't know that that thing in me that says I'm okay you're okay was broken because I never felt okay so I would reach outside of myself for things that made me feel okay even if it was just for a minute even if it was for a moment if I could feel okay and I could quiet the noise up here it was worth the cost of the drink my behaviors were absurd and tragic all right my mom sent me to an all-girl parochial school because that's what you do with girls like me that didn't work um because next to the all-girls school was the all-boys school they were all right there together I mean just like fish in a barrel you know I couldn't resist that and I started getting in trouble there and and back in the 80s you know love today I love it for my children and my grandchildren you know but when I grew up a woman with a reputation was a hard thing to be there's a hard thing to beat you know boy with the reputation was the hero a girl with a reputation it was a heart thing to me and I was that girl and what I do is if I can't fix it and I don't know how to fix it I just lean into it and I'm going to be a bad girl, and I'm going to the baddest girl you ever met. And I'm gonna go ahead and wear that crown because I don't know anything else to do. So I just start drinking harder and partying harder and I become a party girl. The other thing about me is I can fight. So if you said something to me, I'm just going to hit you in the face. And I became that girl. And I am getting kicked out of places and I am being thrown out of place and I get told don't come back to these places. And I've got to find a place. My daddy said I always look for a place my unacceptable behavior would be acceptable and there are places for women like me to go where my unacceptable behaviour can be acceptable in fact on the way down Hopi and I saw on the news they rated about three of those places today and they were biker bars and clubhouses and i like being my sister says i like them big and dumb i love it i white man buddy uh i ended up having my first baby at 18 and and she was born to an alcoholic woman and i didn't know that i didn'd know i had alcoholism i knew things weren't going great for me but i thought it was your fault i thought because my daddy wasn't there my mama didn't love me right and he broke my heart and she wouldn't be my friend i thought i was a victim And my problems were related to those teachers, those coaches, those people, the cops, that job. But they were not alcoholism. I could not connect the dots between my drinking and the life I was living. Even though people had said since I was 14 years old, you shouldn't drink. Right? It was suggested. I didn't listen. What do they know? Anyway, I was institutionalized the first time at 15. I was locked away for 30 days as an out-of-control teen because, you know, I'm defiant and I cause problems in my home. I heard a speaker we were listening to on the way down, and an old-timer told her, you took your gutter and dropped it right in your mama's formal dining room. And that's what I did as a teenager. I didn't go out to the gutter. I brought it straight into my sweet mama's former dining room, And my whole family was subject to my insane behaviors and my alcoholism. After Sarah was born, I started working at a bar. I think we should all work at bars. That was a great job for an alcoholic. It really is. If you pick like perfect job for alcoholic, bartender, cocktail waitress, that's where you want to be. It was like heaven. And I was young and cute and men would buy me drinks and my mama was watching that baby and I was slinging drinks at Jim Porter's Good Time Emporium. And Jim Porter Good Time Emporium had bouncers and I started dating one of them bouncers because I like to fight and he likes to fight, and we'd get drunk and beat each other up. And that's what that was like. In my fifth step I told my spouse, trying to elicit some sympathy, so I told her how he would hit on me and she said, Amy didn't you say when you drank you're aggressive? and violent? I said, oh yeah. She said, was he ever defending himself? Well, mostly. Mostly he was because I will start a fight. I will climb you like a spider monkey. And I'm carrying a weapon so you got to get me off you. I think most of that was probably self-defense. I got pregnant again and he took off and I was mad at him so I started dating his little brother and before you get too upset just know that I always say I am from Kentucky but he wasn't my brother and I think that's important that was his brother and here was the thing he didn't like his brother either so it felt like we could be successful on that shared resentment and we were for 10 years. We was married for 10 years. And he's a good guy. I just saw him two days ago. He's a good guys, a good grandpa. My granddaughter, I got a granddaughters twins that are in their age and one of them's just got it in her head. She keeps asking why I'm not married to her papa anymore, her papa. And I'm like, uh, me and papa didn't really do well married. She said, why aren't you married? I said, I need a more agreeable man. i like an agreeable man we we didn't get along too well uh but she's so she's got this in her head she's gotta figure this out she said he's a good man i said honey i know he's he's a good pep ball he's good at that well y'all give him that he's a good people he is and he's a good dad and he tried to be a good husband but it's hard to be husband to an alcoholic woman. An alcoholic woman who's never satisfied, who can't receive love, who's emotionally unbalanced, who is drunk all the time. An alcoholic women who puts demands on the people around her, expectations on the world. You know it's hard. It was doomed from the beginning because alcoholism was part of our home, and we didn't know that. When I was about 25 years old, he threatened to leave me. And listen, by this time, we live in a three-bedroom ranch. There's two cars in the driveway. He's an electrician studying to be a journeyman. I've gone to LPN school. I'm a nurse. We've got these two cute little girls. There's a creek behind us. On the outside, everything should be okay. but on the inside is me and my alcoholism. And he threatens to leave me, and I'm 25 years old. It's called frothy emotional appeal, and usually it doesn't work, but for some reason, I finally started to connect the dots between alcoholism and what was happening in my life. And the reason was, I would tell you my life was a mess because I didn't have the right relationship. I would say, I would still tell you my life wasn't a mess because I don't own a home because I didn't have the right job because we didn't have a car because the money was funny. You know, and all those reasons were gone because there it was picture perfect and it's still not okay and that forced me to look at my alcoholism. The other thing that happened is when I turned 18 my daddy got sober and he came back into my life. My dad's sobriety date was February 16th, 1989 and that's the year I turned 19. I turned 17 and my dad had been He died in 2019. I miss him. So my daddy was sober. And so I called my daddy, because he had about seven years sober then. I said, Dad, I think I got what you got. And my dad took me to Alcoholics Anonymous and he turned me over to the women and I got sober. And I want to tell you something about getting sober at 25. It was easy. I just didn't drink and I came to your meetings. I drank your coffee, I held your hand, and I said your prayers. I didn't go through DTs, I didn' have any shakes, I didn''t have any insane noise in my head, my eyesight didn' flutter, none of that. I just didn' drink. And I hung out in AA, and that's called fellowship sobriety. The fellowship is a beautiful and wonderful and magical thing. It really is, but it's not the program. I didn ''t work the steps, I did ''t read the book. I had fellowship, I went to a lot of meetings. They say meeting makers make it. and I did for a long time. I made a lot of meetings because that's what meeting makers make. They make meetings and I went to a lot of meetings and I, and I get a lot of service and let me tell you about the power, me and Ben were just talking about the Power of Service. They got medicine now that helps you reduce cravings and I told Ben, we was laughing, I said, you know what else reduces cravings? Service. Moving chairs, bringing in taco mix, greeting at the door, sitting up front, chairing a meeting all of those things all giving a ride sponsoring a woman all those things reduced my cravings and it was easy to not drink and i loved you i that's a gift that i got i received i believe from my higher power i never didn't like i was never a don't like aa girl i love a listen i'm a bar drinker i love us i love hanging out with us we tell the best jokes we're funny we're good looking like i love alcoholics and so here we all were and we were just sober so i was fine with that and i love a good story and nobody can tell a story like an alcoholic you know and and we're good joke tellers we tell the funniest joke and i loved it and i loved the laughter i love the music of aa i really did and and listen y'all it's messy in aa too sometimes if If you're down in that part, AA, I mean, like if you like it. I've seen fistfights, and I thought I had to go to a bar to see one. You don't? We don't like it? It's not going to happen here tonight, New Lake, I promise. But well people don't come here. Well people are doing whatever they're doing on Thursday night. They just don't, andI love sick people. So I like the AA. That's the bottom line. I feel at home with sick people, you know. i'm like i know i think i'm all right and so i had a home group and i had service and i went to a lot of meetings and it was wonderful and it would sell good me and him bought a bigger house and we moved further we i moved back to population 85 and we had two more children and uh but i hadn't worked those steps so i'm coming into the you know i want to be i want work off my guilt See, I've got all this guilt, shame, and remorse attached to my drinking, attached to the type of mother I was, the type of wife I was. I'm an adulteress. I will verbally, physically, and emotionally abuse those around me. I cause damage and harm. My children used to hide in their closet because mama was busting the dishes in the kitchen. And I had no relief from that. I had no relief from that so I wanted to be a good mom and I was a homeroom mom and a vacation bible school mom and a soccer mom and a girl scout leader and a boy scout leader I mean I was in the car I was mom PTA mom you name it I was Mom and I dedicated every ounce of energy and effort and time I had into being their mom Not because they deserved a good mom, because I needed relief from my guilt, shame, and remorse. So even in these actions, they're self-seeking. Because what I want to do is I want to feel better, so I'm going to smother my poor children. They can't look up without, Mom, what do you need? How can I help you? I'm obsessed with them. because I'm trying to relieve the pain in me. I didn't know that. But when you're busy doing that for four kids, you're too busy for meetings all the time. And even though meeting makers make meetings, I'm going to have to skip a few because I need to be a mom and I fade out of Alcoholics Anonymous because my friend Jack W. out of Colorado, he talks about missing his home group to stop and go trout fishing which is a good idea. He said but the worst thing in the world happened that first time he skipped home group? Nothing. So it's easy to do it next week too because nothing happened, and nothing happened, nothing happened. And suddenly I'm not in the habit of going to meetings. Those trained feet just quickly became untrained. And then I'm doing drive-bys in AA, popping in right at the top of the hour, saying hi to a few people, leaving out early. Yeah, I'm not doing all those meetings and I'm getting there early and I don't have time for service because I'm a mom and I forget that moms get drunk too. And I forget that I'm the real alcoholic. See, I haven't read your book yet. I was 30 years old. It was my 30th birthday and we were on Beale Street in Memphis, Tennessee because I love the blues and I love the horns and we'd gone there to celebrate and I looked across the bar at my husband and I said, you know what honey, do you think I could have a drink tonight? And he said, sure, you ain't drank in five years because he don't know about alcoholism either. And you know what happened that night nothing insidious foe appearing harmless but it's deadly nothing happened i didn't get thrown out of the bar the police didn't come we didn't fight we had a lovely evening and so when we got back home guess what amy's gonna do control and enjoy her drinking because my brain registered success because nothing happened it was uh nine years before i got the sobriety date i stand on and a lot happened in nine years um i got divorced obviously my kids grew up and I wasn't there I ended up homeless not right away it's slow I love the way Bill Wilson writes no one knew that that was the last honest job I would hold for five years when I lost that job right after the divorce I didn't think only thing to do now is prostitute that's not what I thought I thought I'd get another job on Monday. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you all have prostitutes in Tennessee? Well, back home in Kentucky, you can sell that shit. And I sold it. I'd been giving it away for free a long time. I think I'm going to have to market some of this. and uh but i i want and you know at first that was okay too and and i did what i had to do to get what i needed i promise you that i promise you that and i needed a lot the book describes blotting out the intolerable consciousness of my existence see if it comes to me that those kids what i've done who i am see i'm suicidal and i'm gonna eat a bullet or i'm going to take a drink and i have to keep taking a drink bill wilson writes two bottles of gin and oblivion that's where i haveと be all the time and i lived in that darkness for four years I don't remember a lot of that four years. A lot of it was a blackout. I took a lot of hits to the head because I'm still real mouthy and I like to fight. And this is when it got really dark for me. And you don't consider yourself homeless just because you don' t have a home. That's not what homeless is, right? I remember when I got to the homeless, they're like, you're homeless. I'm like, I'm not homeless. I stay with Joe. I've been staying over at Joe's house. They're like, yeah, that's Joe's house. You're a guest. You were actually homeless. And I'm like, damn. Well, when you put it like that, they say, if your name's not on the lease or the mortgage, it ain't your home. You're homeless. And I was. I lived in my car for a while and then they towed my car. That was upsetting. Everything I owned was in it. But I'd gotten into some outside issues and I got a little paranoid, I used to listen a lot. I'd stay up a long time and listen. I like to pay attention. they towed my car so I decided, because I just make stuff up, that if I went to pick up my car, SWAT was going to be there like something on the movies and they was going to arrest me because of stuff that might or may not have been allegedly been in my car. so I just never went to get the car because that's my solution to that I guess I'm on foot now get me another car someday and I used to borrow your car and not come back because those were bad days but I became a thief and I mean it was just pitiful I lost a lot of weight, I lost some teeth and I lost my dignity March 6, 2010 my dad picked me up off a street corner and took me to that homeless shelter and he said Amy please go in there and see if those women can help you because you're going to die I was about 40 pounds less than I weigh right now you could see the bones in my back I was wearing a size 1 clothes Something happened March 6th, 2010. One of my favorite lines in anything written about Alcoholics Anonymous was a guy who wrote about the night that Bob and Bill met and talked at the Cyberland Gatehouse up in Akron. And he writes about that night. He wrote a lot of stuff about that tonight. But there's one line. And it says, something passed between them. Something happened to me March 6th, 2010. My friend Bob says something is God's way of staying anonymous. I walked in under grace. First of all, it was March 6 and prostitution, and a Saturday. It was a Saturday, first of the month. Y'all probably don't know this because you're good and decent folk. But for prostitutes of my caliber, checks come out at the first ofthe month, and I'm coming for yours. So I'm not going to get sober at thefirstofthemonth, and I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO GET SOBER ON A SATURDAY BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL BUYING DRINKS AT THE BAR. I'M GOINGTO GET SOBRE COME MONDAY. MONDAY WAS ALWAYS MY PLAN, NEVER A SATIRDAY. So I know that I did not pick my sobriety date. It was a gift. It was an undeserved and unearned gift. And something happened. And I walked into that detox, and it wasn't the first time I'd been in that detox. But something happened that day, and I laid down. And I said, fine. I give up. I surrender. It was my first surrender. I surrender, tell me what to do. I don't know what to do. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, and I started following direction for the first time in my life. I started asking questions and following direction. I'm 16 years sober. I still ask questions, and I follow direction. That's all I know to do My first sponsor was not nice, and that's not a requirement, and thank God, because if you were, I would have borrowed her car, you know, if she had been like nice or sweet or something. I needed somebody. she was only about three years sober at the time and she had come from the streets like me and I could hear Rhonda. I could hear her and I remember calling her up one time whining about something because we feel sorry for ourselves and Rhonda said, the only people we're going to feel sorry for is anybody that met you and she hung up on me. And I thought, I should report her to, like, central office or something. I should call somebody because the rest of you had always been so nice but not Rhonda. She gave it. See, she was... And she yelled at me. She said, do you want to live or do you wanna die? Yeah, God dang, why are we yelling? I called her up. I'd say, can I get a ride to the meeting? Some of the girls, their sponsors pick them up for meetings. She said, did I ever take you to the liquor store? No, ma'am. Your recovery is your responsibility. Okay. And I'd take a bus and I'd walk and I got there. She showed me in Dr. Bob's Nightmare with one half the zeal. She said did you get everywhere you needed and wanted to be? If there was dope or a boy or some money on the other end of that trip? I said absolutely I did. she said one half the effort you went about to getting your next drink to being sober she told me my recovery was my responsibility and i'm so glad she did she told me to get to the meeting early shake hands with at least five women i was instructed to sit up front put my chair away somebody else's thank the speaker or the chairman ask if there's anything i can do before i leave she taught me to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous she took me through the steps and I did them to the best of my ability and listen when I got here y'all I did this thing I'd make this little clicky noise with my mouth and my shoulder would jump up it was weird but I've been listening a long time okay a little twitch you know took a while for all that to level out you know i'm saying took some hits through the head oh lord and veranda was probably the only one would mess with me you know they probably drew straws in the back like who's gonna sponsor her thank god she was willing thank god he was willing and she took me through those steps and things started to change in my life i had a spiritual experience as the result of those steps. Step seven, I had a white light experience and I won't go into it tonight but God is real and AA works. That's what I can tell you from that night. I made those amends and I stayed in 10, 11, and 12 and that's what I do today is 10,11, and12 and every time I take a woman through those steps, I'm going through them. I'm calling my sponsor. One of the other things Rhonda told me was to be in a literature meeting every week. I was to be at a literature and a women's meeting every week, and a meeting where she was. Those were my three like meeting assignments. A home group, a literature, meeting a women and a meeting with her every week and you know what I do now is I go to a women literature meeting and double them up. Yeah I'd be smart about this. And I've invited Brittany to it because I'm like you'd be in a women's meeting, a literature meeting, and a meeting with your sponsor. You've got to fit it in. Man, we live busy lives once we're sober, but I cannot let up on this program of action and rest on my laurels. My life is on the line, and I won't quit going foot to pavement. I love what I have here, and I don't want to lose it. Let's see, when I got... Here's the other problem with me. Rhonda, I talked reckless. I cussed real bad. I'd say profane things. I mean, I talked the language of the streets and where I had been. It was the only language I had. I hadn't learned the language over the heart. So I brought what I had, you know? It was kind of messy and a little abrasive. It scared people a bit. But I'd gone through the steps a certain way, and I'd gotten sober on recovery dynamics. That's what they taught at that homeless shelter, and thank God for it, and Joe and Charlie and the work they did. I was in those literature meetings. I was getting this message. I went to inner city, and AA meetings were like church. Mine, and I'll say something, and somebody in the back is going, say that! I mean, like we talk back and forth. These are like, we're fired up about this mess. You know what I'm saying? And so that's the way I was bringing the message, and my home group would, they coined the phrase, they said I 12 stomped women. And I was like, why do they keep asking me to sponsor them? I don't pretend to be nothing I ain't. I was just nuts. Good Lord. Rhonda ended up going back out. And one thing I learned in six and seven about my character defects, I'm a bully. I use bullying and intimidation to keep little Amy safe. That's how I want you to know I'm the biggest dog in the yard because I don't want you to jump. And it's because I'm scared. And I didn't know that. So I talk real rough and I act real tough and it's cause little Amy's scared to death. That's why I bark so loud. And I Didn't Know That. I thought I was just tough. I'm not. I was scared. And I was tired of scaring people. Once I realized and recognized my own fears and how scared I was of everything, it didn't feel good. And I didn't want to scare anybody else. And Rhonda went back out and I wanted a sponsor who was nice because I thought I should learn to be nice. It needs to be taught to me, but I think I could learn it if it's modeled enough times. And I got Miss Delinda to be my sponsor and she's so nice. See, she looks nice. But she will hit you with some trash. like ow did you mean to do that well you need to take a look at it dear like oh she's sneaky mean you know but you'll call your sweetheart the whole time she does it all right and mr linda said why are you yelling at everybody i said so they can hear the truth and uh she said honey the truth just stands there all by itself she said your job is to give them the information what they do with that information is now between them and God it's your only assignment mr. Linda taught me about grace she taught me about forgiveness of myself and others she demonstrated service and love unconditional compassion she said Amy all those girls had and then my Responses would cry. They would literally cry. I'd have to call her up and be like, they're crying again. She's like, what did you say? I just told them the truth. She said, how'd you say it? Raw and uncut. And she'd say, Amy, honey, you're breaking broken women. She said truth without compassion is just mean, honey. And I didn't want to be mean no more. And I'll tell you nasty girls, I'm not nice, but I am nicer than I've ever been. The girls before them, they'll see me talk to them and they're like, are you kidding me? That's all you're going to say? But I'm like, I'M NICER THAN I USED TO BE. I'm NOT NICE, BUT I'M NYCER. And that's what we try to do around here, right, is constantly be a little bit better and let God soften the edges, polish the turd, you know? it takes a while to polish a turd i've been here 16 years and i'm still not nice so i mean it just takes a While you know but but God's working on me and you're patient with me and and and I give myself love and I'm able to love you and receive your love and that's a miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous for a girl like me I promise you that I want to talk to you a little bit about those kids I came back I didn't come back to little kids that was happy to see mom my two oldest were in their late teens early 20s my two youngest were coming into their adolescence and they were pissed and they got their mama in them they don't need no they're real tough too like their mama you know and they was scared and they weren't hurt there was a long road of reconstruction and i had to be careful not to parent from guilt see i'd worked those steps so i'd gotten some relief from that guilt shame and remorse that i carried in with me you can imagine what it felt like i got sober the first time my oldest was five and then i screwed the pooch man and i didn't get sober again until that girl was 20. you can imagine the regret of not being the mother she deserved and it ate my lunch every day and it's the pain i drink over it's a pain i hide from and you guys told me you gotta use it for good. You told me in those ninth step that I would not regret the past and I thought how will I never not regret this? How will I make this right? Time, actions, consistency, persistence. And it's been, it didn't happen overnight but me and my kids were all in a good space and it hasn't been easy. I came into, those two youngest were in adolescence and I didn't know if we were all going to live through that shit she'd slam a door and talk out the side of her neck and i think i'm gonna snatch you up my little gut i'm like i'm you're gonna learn today because i i am i'm that mama you know i i'm not that and they told me put my hands in my pockets and i was like i need a whooper hands. You don't get to do that. I'm like, holy shit. What am I going to do? You're going to love her. Love her? She's mean. Kids are a scam, man. They will break your heart. And I'm doing my best and they're doing their best and we're forgiving each other and giving grace and we'RE having difficult conversations and they'RE watching me. They'RE watching ME. Gracie was 14 and I took her to therapy, and that counselor asked, do you worry your mama will relapse? And Gracie said, my mama won't relapse. And those therapists told her the odds and the statistics of how often we return to use and return to drink and returnto relapse, and Gracie's looked at that lady, and she said, my mama want relapse." You don't see what my mama does. not you didn't hear what my mama said not my mama promised me she would never you don't see what my momma does she was watching my feet she was watchin' my actions my commitment to recovery active recovery my commitment to this program my commitment to my home group my commitment to the women my phone calls with my sponsor she was watching my feet my actions and the family afterwards it says our behaviors will convince them more than our words and she was washing my actions I'll tell you my recovery has had a great effect on my family I'm the only one in AA but we're having a good time my middle daughter just started 33 she said to me about three years ago mama did you think you'd be the sane one in the family? I said, nobody saw it coming, kid. They call me when they want to know something. I was getting ready to turn 12 and I was at my mama's helping her with dinner. And I said mama, Tuesday I'm going to have 12 years. And my mom grabbed her chest and she threw her towel down. She turned around. She goes, what did you say? I said, Mama, I said Tuesday I'll have 12 years. She said, oh my God Amy, I thought you said you were going to have 12 beers I said well that'd be dumb, that ain't even enough but that's not, but her the fear, 12 years later, the fear in my mama's voice when she thought I had said that I was going to drink again 12 years later see they haven't forgotten what I look like behind a drink they haven'T forgotten what it means not just for me but for all of them if I take a drink see there's a lot riding on this I go to a lot of meetings I sponsor a lot of women I do a lot of things in Alcoholics Anonymous I have never let up on my program of action. I've never rested on my laurels. I move all the chairs, I take all the women, I read all the literature, I go to all the meetings, I say all the prayers and I do all the inventory because I don't know which piece of tape is holding this shit show together. So I'm not going to start adjusting it now. It seems to be flying pretty good and so we're going to keep on doing the things. Foot to pavement. If you want this more than, should you want this above all else. And when I got with you the gift of desperation was with me and I'm so grateful that it's never left. That's it. Applause