You Cannot Save Your A*s and Your Face at the Same Time – Kim P.

My name is Kimberly Ann Package. I'm a recovered alcoholic. And I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful to be sober. I'm grateful to be here with you wonderful people today. And I'm extremely nervous. And I thought I just lost the person that I traveled here with. So I was having a little bit of a fit in the parking lot. So if you were witness to that, I apologize in advance for if I offended you. And anyway, it was great to see Tom here. And I've had the beautiful experience of hearing Tom speak in a lot of different places over the years in my sobriety. And I like somebody who's very practical. I appreciate practicality. You know what I mean? And I have a great honor in front of me. I have a great obligation in front of me. And so I was just praying and asking God to kind of use me as a hollow bone. And, you know, I've got a little bit of a ways to come here today. And that is not a testament to my greatness. That's a testament to my God. And you never know where he's going to bring you. And I have seen some places. I've seen some places in my active alcoholism that alcoholism has taken me to. And I really feel like I'm in a far better place now being guided by, you know, the father of light who presides over us all. And I'm a big book woman. I got to tell you that. And... And... And it wasn't always like that. It wasn't always like that. And I spent the first five years in Alcoholics Anonymous white knuckling it and staying sober on fear and fellowship. And that was not because I had, you know, anything to do with that. I think where my higher power brought me, I was taught what I needed to be taught in order to be in AA and, you know, prepared for what was to come. And when I had five years sober, I met a wonderful woman by the name of Claire Keller. And she guided me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I do the best I can to continue to make direct amends wherever possible, not whenever possible, wherever possible. Except when to do so would injure them or other people. And I live in 10, 11, and 12 on a daily basis to the best of my ability. And on some days to the best of my willingness. Which can be different moment to moment. But... Um... I know that I'm standing here before you today through the grace of Almighty God. Because I wasn't smart enough to know that alcohol was a problem for me. Um... I say that very loosely because I really believe that I use alcohol as a solution. Um... And I didn't know anything about the disease. And I didn't know anything about detox or rehabs or halfway houses, treatment centers. Nothing like that. That's not my story. That's not my experience. I got sober January 23, 1994. And I got sober in a little one-story building called the South Philadelphia Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I shook and I rattled and I rolled for probably about the first 30 days in ignorance. Because I did not know that you could die from alcohol and delirium tremens. And so like I, you know, I itched my skin and my head. And my nerves were writhing. And a wonderful woman by the name of Marge said to me, Can I take you to a detox? And I said, I have 28 days. You know what I mean? She was like, okay. Okay. All right. You want me to give you a half a cup of coffee? You know what I mean? Because I was just shaking so bad that I would spill it all over. And I would call my then sponsor about 12, 1 o'clock in the morning. And I'd say, I can't sleep. And she'd say, you had 21 cups of coffee at the meeting. Like, no wonder. You know? And so my road was pretty long. Before I was introduced to the solution of Alcoholics Anonymous. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The program. Before then, I was kind of like a woman who shows up at Weight Watchers. And when they asked to introduce yourself, you know, I said, I'm Kim and I'm back here doing Jenny Craig. And they're like, well, what do you mean? This is Weight Watchers. Yeah, I know, but I like this better. I'm going to do Jenny Craig back here. And that's how I was living in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was living in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. Staying sober on fear and fellowship. And did not know that there was a practical program of action that was going to help me to recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Because, see, I no longer live in hopelessness. I no longer live in despair. I am free. Free. In every sense of the word, on the inside. That doesn't mean that life doesn't, you know, happen around me. And I learned that in Alcoholics Anonymous from a wonderful man. I had a lot of great teachers. I had a lot of great teachers in my life. And he sits in my home group and he says, everybody gets hit with the raindrops and we'll all go through some storms in life. But basically, if you trust God, clean house and help others, you'll see the sunshine again. And so that's how I live. So when things are happening in my life, I do the best that I can on any given day to trust God, talk about it immediately with another human being, make amends quickly if I've harmed anybody, and then get busy resolutely looking for somebody I can help and be of service to. And it doesn't only happen. It doesn't only happen in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. But primarily, I work with a lot of women that are, you know, working their way through the first 164 pages of the big book. How It Works asks me to tell you what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like now. Because it says something in Chapter 5. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like. Not what I did. Not what I had or didn't have. But what we used to be. What we used to be like. What happened. And what we are like now. And I can tell you the cliff notes is, you know, I was sick and suffering. God entered my heart and lives in a way that is indeed miraculous. And now I'm not living over there anymore. I'm living over here. But because I have about an hour, I'll try to elaborate. So let me let you know what I was like as a little girl. I was probably about four, five, six years old. And I was... Full of fear. And I was insecure. And I had no self-esteem. None whatsoever. I didn't have low self-esteem. A lot of guys come to Alcoholics Anonymous, they have low self-esteem. Most women come to Alcoholics Anonymous, they have no self-esteem. That's just my experience. I don't know what's happening in Vermont. But in Philly, it's like that. So I had no self-esteem. And I just did not know why I felt like that. I share this in every one of my stories. Mostly, I'm no stranger to God. I've known God since I was a little girl. Always talked to Him. Always prayed to Him. Always asked Him for help. I just was so noisy on the inside that I couldn't hear Him. I couldn't hear Him. I couldn't get His guidance. I couldn't get that good, orderly direction that I needed in my life. And so I was really very afraid. And I did those maladaptive things that they talk about. You know, the doctor's opinion says that we are maladjusted to life in full flight. We're from reality and outright mental defectives. And I was maladjusted. So I did those maladaptive things. And usually, it went kind of like me dishonoring you from the moment I met you. Because I was so afraid that you wouldn't like me that I had to figure out a way in a split second for you to like me because then my worth was evident to me. So I would say to you, Hi, how you doing? My name's Kim. Love that necklace. Like just some kind of little manipulative thing that I would throw at you. You know what I mean? And then you would smile and you would feel really good. And you'd say, Hey, she's a great girl. I like her. And that's it. I win. I get that little sense of self externally that lets me move to the next experience and the next person. So I am, by my own breeding, a people pleaser. Not anymore, but that's what I was then. And now I offend people. I try not to. I try not to. But, you know, they have a thing that they say in AA. They say the truth will set you free, but it will more than likely piss you off first. So I'm pissing a lot of people off in Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis, unintentionally. But I would rather, I would rather piss them off than stand at their funeral. You know, and that's okay. You know, that's okay today. And I learned a long time ago from a woman by the name of June B that I had to decide if I was going to live right or I was going to live popular. She said, you cannot save your ass. And your face at the same time. You will need to choose. And so I can't tell you what part of the anatomy I'm choosing today. So I may offend some people. And if I do, I'm cleaning it up right now. I'm apologizing in advance for anything I might say that would hurt you. So I lied to you. So I lied to you. No, I love the necklace. But I lied to you from the first moment that I met you. I lied to you because I wanted you to like me because I ran on four fears. I ran on... I ran on fear of what other people think about me. Fear that you would definitely find out what I thought about myself. Fear that I would not get what I wanted. And fear that I would lose something that I had. And that's how I operated in my life. I was a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-pity, self-seeking, and all the other selves that fall under that dictionary. And so I just was consumed. And it really didn't have anything to do with I thought that the world revolved around me in an egotistical kind of sense, in a big shot kind of sense. I was so afraid of you in the world that I was consumed with staying alive and surviving. And so I just had to do whatever it took to have that happen. And if I had to lie to you and I had to dishonor you and I had to tell you that I wanted you to go first in the game and I wanted you to pick the game and I wanted you to have dinner at my mom's house with me and I wanted to have a sleepover party and I loved what you were wearing and you're really smart and all these things that I had to do, that's what I had to do. That's what kept me alive. That's what kept you connected to me and I didn't feel so... I felt so alone and despaired. And I would talk to God as little as I could remember and I would say, God, I know you don't want me to feel like this. I know you don't want me to be like this. I know you don't want this to be my experience. Please help me. Please help me. That prayer would not be answered until January of 1994 which was probably about... I don't know. I'm not good at math. So I want to tell you I was 6 and I was 23 when I got sober. Whoever's great at math, figure it out. Shout it out in a little bit and we'll all be... you know, satisfied with that. So anyway, I was 6 years old and I was terrified. I was terrified and I was 7 and I was 8 and going to school was horrible. You know, I would go to Catholic school and my parents are both alcoholics. I can call my father an alcoholic because he calls himself an alcoholic and he is in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and has been. He just celebrated 19 years this month and so he has a little bit more time than I do and so I'll call him. I'll call him that because he calls himself a real alcoholic. My mother calls herself an alcoholic. She is not sober through Alcoholics Anonymous and that's all I'll say about that. But, you know, so I have this crazy household that I'm growing up in and there's really nowhere to go, I don't think, with this stuff that was going on inside of me and the truth of the matter is I don't blame my parents. You know what I mean? I love my parents. I don't blame them. I don't think I would have went to them anyway because these were secrets that I was going to take to the grave. I was never going to let you know. I was never going to let you know how I felt about myself. I was never going to let you know what was going on in this mind that did not stop spinning and I was never going to let you know how I felt about myself in the deepest recesses of my soul. I prayed to God that nobody ever shed light on that. Nobody ever saw that about me and so I just kind of eat through life and I would go to school and I would count the heads. They'd be going around the room reading and I'd be like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. And I would practice and rehearse my paragraph so that when it got to the end, I would be able to say I would read it perfectly and nobody would make fun of me and everything would just be okay and you would think hey, she's really smart and I could just read easy. And so I went through school like that not learning anything. How do you learn anything when you're so consumed with what other people think about you that you're counting ahead and you're not even listening to what's going on and that's how I lived. And then if you would have asked me to go to the chalkboard, I probably would have urinated on myself and cried and ran out. That's probably what would have happened. Thank God nobody ever asked me to diagram a sentence on the board. You know, I never got that far but I was really perplexed in school. I was really confused. I was really insecure. It was horrible because on my little street, Mercy, Front and Mercy, I'm from South Philadelphia. So on the little street at Front and Mercy, I knew just who to let go first in the game and I knew just who to let pick the game and I knew just who to invite to my house. And I had that lay of the land that they talk about in the big book of Alpha Oaks Anonymous. You know, the actor who wants to run the whole show and is forever trying to arrange the lights and the scenery and the players what usually happens the show doesn't go off very well because it did not fully solve the fear problem or any other for that matter. You know what I mean? What I was doing was not working. It was good as far as it went but it didn't go far enough. It didn't take me far enough. School was worse than home because there were so many of you. Now I had to figure out too many people and so I really always had a hard time in school and I was always very awkward and I was very skinny and little and frizzy hair and you know, I was just an awkward kid. I was an awkward kid and I embrace that beautiful little girl today because if she knew how much God loved her then like I do now she would have never had to suffer like she suffered ever. And so I just went through school and I think I, you know, the most difficult day of my early childhood that I could remember is when I found out we were moving. You know, I was probably about eight years old. Eight or nine, somewhere in there and my dad bought a bar in the neighborhood. In South Philadelphia, half a hall extreme. He bought a bar and we were going to move upstairs on top of that bar and I thought my life was over because I thought now I got to figure this out all over again. I have a new neighborhood. I have new people. I have a new school and I am just never going to be able to pull this off. And so I was very depressed and I stayed in a lot there. I want to say that we moved on top of this bar and on a Friday night or a Saturday night, and either given night you can see me sneaking down and I would be sitting on the floating stairway and I would be looking down at the crowd of people because the stairway went through and in the front end of the bar was the bar and the jukebox and the people and in the back end was a pool table and a poker machine and people and stuff was going on and I would sneak down on a Friday or Saturday night and I would look around and I would see people with a cigarette in this hand and a drink in this hand and a smile on their face. from ear to ear. Man, and they looked like they had fresh eyes and they were just glowing and they looked really happy. And I was never, ever, ever happy. Never can I recall right now, standing here today, I cannot recall a truly, genuinely happy moment in my childhood. And when I saw those people genuinely happy, seemingly genuinely happy, with a drink and a cigarette, I knew my solution. I have to get my hands on a drink and a cigarette. And I did. Probably on any given Sunday in the bar at my parents' house, they would close the bar at 2 o'clock in the morning, they would clean up, they would go to the after hours club, they would come home when the sun was up and they would pass out and me and my sister would sneak down into the bar and I would sit at the bar and I would line up some glasses and I would take the bottles and any liquor that tasted sweet, I would pour it in the glasses and then I would steal from them and I would go into the quarter box and I would take a roll of quarters and I would crack them open and I would go to the cigarette machine, which took quarters then, it wasn't electronic, so I'm aging myself a little bit, just had my 40th birthday. And so I would feed these quarters into the cigarette machine and they would be really loud, going to the bottom. So I would put them in one at a time and listen for my parents and one at a time and listen for my parents and then I'd put the next one in, then I'd put the next one in, and I would grab the handle on the cigarette machine and I would pull it out and then I'd walk it back in, like that, so it didn't make a lot of noise and the cigarettes would drop. And so I'd have probably like grenadine or sweet vermouth or melon liqueur in a glass and a cigarette that I did not yet know how to inhale and I thought I had arrived. And I would get a buzz, I would catch a buzz on a Sunday morning, you know what I mean? And I was really very young and I can tell you that, alcoholism is incurable, progressive and fatal and in my life it was very aggressive. By the time I was 10, I was drinking as often as I could. And if that meant stealing from my mom and dad's beer box in the basement, quarts of beer, wasn't 40s then, it was quarts or six packs or stealing money or asking for extra money to chip up with other people to get the older heads, to get the older heads, to get a beer, like that's what I would do. So by 10 I was drinking almost every weekend. By 12 I was drinking, at minimum every weekend and by 15 I was having my first alcohol overdose on grain alcohol. And I can tell you that I had this, I had forged this love affair with alcohol that you were going to have to pry it from my dead cold hands. Because this fear filled, insecure, no self esteem having girl put one drink in her body and that drink took a drink and that drink took me and it took me to being able to talk to you, it took me to be able to dance, it took me, it took me to be able to socialize, it took me to be able to think I was valuable and pretty enough to have a boyfriend if other girls were having little boyfriends. It just gave me all the things that I didn't have. I'm a very big fan of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm a very big fan of the 12 and 12. I know their essays from Bill Wilson and that's okay too. I'm quite comfortable with that. And the first step in the 12 and 12 says that alcohol now become a rapacious creditor. And if you don't know what that means, it means greed. And everything it gave to me, it turned on, turned on me and it took tenfold from me. It took tenfold. So for several years on the upswing, every time I had a drink in me, I was feeling great and then on the downside of that, I couldn't stop drinking. I had drank myself and warped my mind into such a destructive obsession for alcohol that only an act of God was going to be able to remove it from this alcoholic. And I could not stop being preoccupied with alcohol because I was looking for relief, because I was restless, I was irritable, I was discontented, I was unhappy, I had all the human problems that they talk about on page 52. I was chronically malcontent. I felt like I don't understand why I'm in this world, I don't understand why I'm in this life. I can't take it, I can't succeed, I can't feel good about myself, I can't relate to other people. Like you want to talk about problems in personal relationships, I didn't know how to have a relationship with another human being. I couldn't talk to you, I couldn't function, I was just, I was a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck of a person. And when I drank, that went away from me. That went away from me. And so I'm, you know, I was a solution drinker. Drinking was my solution. And so I really, I really was not letting go of alcohol. And I didn't, you couldn't even tell me it was a problem. I mean, I hit a point in my drinking where people would say to me, you're drinking again. And I'd say, that's what we do, I'm alcoholic, we drink. Like I just, I thought the abnormal had become normal. And I was drinking, or drunk, or blacked out, or passed out. I drank my way out of relationships. I drank my way out of school. I drank my way out of friendships. I drank my way out of jobs. Like, you know, and I always had a justification and a rationalization. And I always blamed everybody else for everything that was going wrong in my life. Everybody else. From my parents, to my grandparents, to the people that just don't understand me, to bosses who have favorites, to teachers who have favorites, to just everybody else. That's as far as I ever got. That's as far as I ever got. And they talk about that in the big book, right around the fourth step. You know what I mean? Far as I ever got is that you and this world wronged me, and I was hurt, and I was offended, and I was sore, and I was burned up, and I stayed that way. And I just existed like a bottom feeder. And, um, I don't know. I don't know what to say about the person that I had become. But I went from this crippled with anxiety, this person who was crippled with anxiety, crippled with fear, crippled with no self-esteem, to somebody who would put a drink in her, and I was dangerously and disgustingly antisocial. My behavior was humiliating and embarrassing. Alcohol takes women down harder and faster. And I read that in the big book, and truer words were never spoken. I demoralized myself and degraded myself, and I allowed others to demoralize and degrade me. That's just the way it went for me. Do I want to stand up here in front of 50 people that I don't know and tell that story? You know, I asked God to help me to tell the truth and to help me to deliver the message that he would have me deliver. So I want to say to you that there was not a relationship that I was ever in that I could be honest with. And it wasn't because I was this evil, big shot, you know, I thought I had it all, and I had to have my just-in-case guy, it wasn't anything like that. Although I did have a just-in-case guy, it was because I swore when you found out really about me, you were never going to stay with me. I wasn't the marrying kind. I wasn't the kind that you brought home to your parents. I wasn't the kind that you introduced to parties as your girlfriend. You know, that's not who I was. Just ask me. So I had such a low opinion of myself that I just moved through life and moved through jobs and moved through residences. You know, it wasn't a stranger to me to come home and find a big orange sign on the door that said, like, you know, the sheriff is, you know, not giving you permission to enter in here today. And you have to go somewhere. And I would have my trash bag, and I would have to go somewhere. Like, that's just my story. You know what I mean? And I tell that part of my story because I cannot convince you any other way that the love of God will not be outdone. And what he can take you to, no man can ever measure. And that's just the way it is in my life. I want to tell you, by the time I was 15 years old, I was alcohol overdosed and out of school. You know what I mean? Alcohol told me that school was for all of you people. Suckers, actually, I called you. All of you suckers. And I was going to be an entrepreneur in the business of sales. And, you know, that did not go well. I can just tell you that. It didn't go well, and it was ridiculous, and it was humiliating, and it was a whole... a whole lot of ego involved, and a whole lot of trying to fit in, and a whole lot of trying to carve out my space. Because really, deep down inside, I didn't think I was smart enough to finish school. I didn't think I was worthy of finishing school. I didn't think I was worthy of the gifts that God was going to give to me. And so I just was going to be an entrepreneur in the business of sales. And so that didn't work after a little while, and I decided to take a career change, and I went to be a bartender. And so I went from selling... what my friend Dave would call non-AA conference-approved materials. That's what my friend Dave would call them, and that's what I'm calling them. So I switched from being in that career to being a bartender full-time. And as a part-time job, I sold non-AA conference-approved materials while I was bartending. And I worked at a bar in a neighborhood that I grew up in, and I had arrived. You know what I mean? Blue Collie neighborhood. People, you know, coming to the bar on a Friday or Saturday night, and they were dropping their money, dropping their money, and they had a nice kitty, and they were, you know, buying my materials and drinking, and I was drinking with them, and then I was taking a nice tip home at the end of the night, and I was going to the after-hours clubs, and I was drinking until the sun came up, and I was taking what I call today the walk of shame on the way home. And I don't know how many people here have taken the walk of shame, but it looks like this. It's about 7, 8 o'clock in the morning, and the sun is coming up, and you're just going home from the night before, or maybe the day before, if you were close to drinking like me, because I'm a real alcoholic. I'm a real alcoholic. You know, and I fit the distinction. You know what I mean? I can't predict with any degree of certainty what's going to happen once I put a drink in me. And once I put a drink in me, I can't control how much I consume. Like, that's just the way it is. And so I would take that walk of shame home, hoping that, that you would never even notice me, and I just felt like I couldn't even be, like, inhabiting the same space as you normal people. You good, hardworking, earning family human beings. Like, I didn't feel like I belonged around you at all. And I would go home, and then I would curl up in a ball until I cried myself to sleep, feeling like, when is this going to be over? I didn't have enough thought, you know, courage to kill myself. I didn't think about killing myself actively. I know that's in some people's story, you know, thoughts of suicide or whatever. But there have been many times that I came to and thought, why did you wake me up? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to think like this anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. Please kill me if you're not going to change me. Like, that is how I lived. I have a best friend that I met when I moved into this neighborhood when my parents bought the bar. And we're still best friends today, through God's grace. And she is sober also, in Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, she called me yesterday. I was sharing with some women, and she just completed her fifth step. And she is just thrilled and on fire, and it's a joy to be a part of. And so, she came into a bar that I was working in on South Street called Mako's. And she said to me, Kim, you look a mess. And I can tell you that she wasn't lying to me, you know, just the way it was. By that time, I was drinking around the clock. My sister was drinking around the clock. My sister was drinking around the clock. My shift started at four. I was showing up at 12. I was drinking from 12 to four. I was drinking from four o'clock to two o'clock in the morning behind the bar. I was drinking while we cleaned up. I was drinking at the after hours club. And I was just, you know, taking the walk of shame home every single morning. And that was probably about a six day a week, you know, deal for me. So that's where my alcoholism took me. And she came into the bar and she said, Kim, you look a mess. Why don't you come down to the shore? And down to the shore, from a, from a Philadelphia perspective, is Wildwood, Atlantic City, Ocean City, you know, down at the shore. And she was living in Ventnor, down at the shore, and working in the casinos. And she wanted me to get some help. And she wanted me to calm down. And she wanted me to clean up a little bit. And she neglected to mention to me that they were all entrepreneurs in the business of sales. And they were drinking around the clock like I was. But I looked worse than her. So she just assumed that I was drinking more than her. And I took my dog and pony show over down the shore with her. And I packed the bag for three days. And I drank down there for three years. It's just the way it goes. You know, that's what happened for me. And everything is like a blur. You know, I met a man down there. His name is Joe Johnson. He was the most stable human being I had ever met. And because I look for all of my goodness outside of me, I thought this is why God put him into my life. You know, he had a job. And he, he was not alcoholic. And he went to work every day. And he was a family-oriented guy. And he had a home and a car and a boat. And like not things, just evidence of stability and consistency. He had that in his life. And I was a train wreck. And I knew that the answer was in that relationship because he was going to teach me how to cross over into normalcy. And yeah. Instead, I dragged him. And I was kicking and screaming into my world. And at the end of our relationship, which lasted a couple years down there, he was on his front lawn, streaming with tears, banging on the ground saying, it's too painful to love you. You have to go. That's really where alcohol takes this woman. And I do not blame my behavior on alcohol. I know, I know that I am alcoholic. I know that I have a mental, I know that I have a mental obsession. I know that. I know that I have a physical allergy. I blame it all on that spiritual sickness. That spiritual malady that they talk about. Because pouring alcohol onto this spiritual sickness was like trying to douse out a fire with gasoline. They just magnified by 10,000. So it is the spiritual malady that I had going on with me. You know what I mean? And I was spiritually sick in every sense of the word. And I thank God for the direction. And the big book that once we straighten out spiritually, then we straighten out mentally and physically. And it doesn't happen in any other way. And I know that from not living the dream in Alcoholics Anonymous until I had about five years of sobriety. Because I was a train wreck and spiritually sick in Alcoholics Anonymous. And my list of people that I owed direct amends to got exponentially greater when I was living on self. Selfishness, self-centeredness, self-will, self-righteousness, all of that self, even into AA. So I was down at the shore. And Joe and I broke up. Not by my choosing, obviously. And I was just, I was broken. I was a broken woman. I was a broken human being. I was a broken spirit. And I just drank. And I did not think my drinking could have gotten any worse. But because I am somebody who reaches for, I'm a woman who reaches for alcohol to be the solution. I couldn't wash the pain away anymore. I couldn't wash the shame away anymore. I couldn't wash the guilt away anymore. And God knows I tried. And I drank probably at least a fifth and a half of Cuervo every day. Lots of long neck bottles of bud. And at least one to two bottles of wine. Mine or not mine. From around the condo I was living in. And that was like a daily, like I was just drunk. I was just drunk. And I felt worse. And nothing. I was at that point. A place of pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization. I couldn't live with alcohol. I couldn't live without alcohol. You couldn't tell me alcohol was the problem. I was very defensive. You just couldn't even come near me. You couldn't even touch me. And I met a guy. You know what I mean? Because that's just really what I did. Because for me, it really is. I mean, I'm not proud of that. I'm certainly not proud of that. But I thought if I had the right man, and I had the right job, and I had the right house, and it had the right size white picket fence around it, and I had the right set of circumstances, that all would be well in the world, then I would really be happy. Like I believed in all that Cinderella story stuff. I believed in it without a murmur of doubt. And I just continued to talk to my God. And continued to not be able to listen to Him. And not be able to hear Him. And I would say, God, you know, alright, maybe this is the one. Maybe this is the guy that's going to help change me. I was always, I was always looking for external means to fix an internal condition. And I did not know that. And so, that did not go well. That did not go well. And I was seeing a drummer in a band. And he had long hair. And he had a biker jacket. And he would play music. And I would drink. And be like a groupie. And as humiliating as that is, that's my story. And I would say to myself, one day, one day, he's going to tell me, I'm beautiful. I'm special. He loves me. I'm valuable. You're my girlfriend. I want to marry you. And right after that, he's going to cut his hair. And we're going to like ride off into the sunset. And everything's going to be great. And that's not what happened. You know what I mean? That's not how it ended up. I got really drunk with him one night. And I asked him what I was to him. And I wanted, with every fiber of my being, for him to say those things that I had imagined he would say. You know, that delusion. That space I was living in. And he said, we're going to always be friends. And I died a thousand deaths. And I know that men may comprehend that a little bit. But I know that there are women in here who have had that experience. And I know that that hits them to the core of their person. Because when you just crave somebody, somebody, to tell you that you are worth something. And to hear that, nah, that's not who you are. That just strips you of every fiber of your being. Like I just was broken in that night. And he left. And I drank myself into oblivion. And I passed out on the floor of my condo. Next to my bed on the floor. That's how low I felt about myself. I did not even feel worthy of sleeping in my own. I was doubled over in a fetal position in the corner of the room, crying, begging God to help me or kill me. That was my story. And in the pit of that cry, from the depths of my spirit, I had enough humility in that moment where the grace of God could enter and expel a mental obsession so subtly powerful that only he could do it. Like I just couldn't be fixed. I couldn't be fixed any other way. And I didn't know that. And I came to the next day. And like I described myself, my body was itching in my head. And I felt like I had bugs crawling on me. And I was searching wildly around the condo for alcohol. There was no alcohol to be had. By this time, I was living in Ocean City, which for anybody who doesn't know, it is a dry town. They don't sell alcohol there. And like the closest alcohol that you can get is Summer's Point. And I didn't drive. And I was in no condition to drive. And so I was just writhing. And this voice out of nowhere says, call your sister Dawn. And I thought, call my sister Dawn? Absolutely not. I have not talked to my sister Dawn in a couple years. She got tired of bailing me out. She got tired of cleaning me up. She got tired of defending me when people would say horrible things about me that were probably true. I brought shame to my family. I didn't realize until I experienced the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, the far-reaching implications of my thinking, feeling, and doing. Like I didn't realize how far out it went and how far it reached. And it reached well beyond me. And my sisters had to live in my shame when they were in the neighborhood. And she really got tired of it. And like Joe, she told me it was too painful to love me. And that I needed to just, leave her alone. And so I knew I couldn't call her. I didn't understand this voice that was crowding out all else. I didn't understand why it was telling me to call my sister. But I just pushed it aside and I'm searching around and I'm thinking, you know, what am I going to do when it came again? Call your sister. And I thought, alright. Now I know that voice was not coming from me because I don't talk to myself in the third person. You know what I mean? So it was like, Kim, call your sister. So I picked up the phone. And I called my sister. And she said, we love you, Kim. Please come home. And alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Without help, it is too much for us. There is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. Not next month. Not next week. Not next year. May you find him now. And so here I am, on the phone with her, not knowing that half of the sentence. Only knowing and realizing how cunning, baffling, and powerful alcohol is in my life. And I'm telling her I'm fine. No, come home. What do you mean? In my head. My head, full flight from reality. And give up all this? Are you kidding me? I'm in a condo in Ocean City. I got a built-in pool out in the back. Out on a deck, you know. I'm working in the casinos down the shore. It was January. I was laid off. The pool wasn't filled. I never swam in it anyway. Like the reality. And where I lived, I guess I'm on my topic. Spiritual make-believe. I didn't know. I didn't know I would hit it. But yeah, I was living in fantasy. I was literally living in fantasy. And I was telling my sister that there was no reason for me to come home. And she was saying to me, I cannot hear you. And I didn't understand. But when I looked down, I had the phone to my ear and my shoulder, and I was packing a bag. And the grace of God was doing for me what I was not capable of doing for myself. And that divine intervention that took place from that cross, I, after my God, carried me a couple days. I can tell you that what happened for me was that I ripped that condo to pieces. I ripped it to shreds. Not only my room. I'd like to be able to stand up here and tell you how virtuous I was, but I wasn't. And I ripped that condo to shreds looking for money to get to her. Because she had said to me, I want to come and get you. And I said, pick me up at the bus station in Philadelphia. And she said, where is it? And I said, 9th and Filbert. She said, when are you going to be there? I said, I don't know. My sister taught me how to be loyal. She left after we hung up the phone and she never left until I got there. And it was many, many hours in between. And I ripped that condo apart and between $1 bills and 50 cent pieces and quarters and nickels and dimes and pennies, I came up with $12.10 only. And it cost $2.10 to get the bus from Ocean City to Atlantic City. And at that time, it cost $10 for a one-way ticket. It was a one-way bus ticket from Atlantic City to the Philadelphia bus station. And I was complaining because I was selfish and self-centered. I was complaining, I can't even get an orange juice. I was so upset by that. I didn't want an orange juice. And anybody who's a real alcoholic knows I didn't want an orange juice. I was just deluding myself and, you know, feeling sorry for myself. Self-pity has always been my favorite character defect. There are moments in my sobriety where I could, like, take a bath in it. You know, backstroke in it. Well, it was me. It's really sad. But, you know, thank God I have tools to get me out of that. But I was in that place then and I was feeling really sorry for myself that I didn't have an orange juice for the ride home. And here I was being, right from that point, I was about to blow the doors open for me and nobody would ever be able to close them. And I had no clue. I was complaining about an orange juice. How insignificant is that in the great reality of, you know, what was to be my life. So I came to Philadelphia and she picked me up at the bus station and she took me to my mother's. And my mother decided in her kindness and it could only be a mother's love that would have tolerated me coming to her and asking her for a place to live. Because what I had put those people through was unconscionable. I had no right to ask her could I stay at her place. But I did anyway. And she graciously allowed me to. And she let me into her house. That night. And I pretty much told her what was going on in my life. Now I didn't tell her I was alcoholic. I didn't tell her that I couldn't stop drinking. I told her that I couldn't live anymore. And something had to be wrong with me. Mentally, there was nobody that thought like me. There was nobody that felt like me. And I swear I needed an inpatient mental facility for at least one year. Because I'm nuts. That's what I told her. And I really believed that. I really believed. That my problem was that I was so crazy. Now I know we are. You know what I mean? I know what it says in how it works. You know that there are those who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders. And many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. So I was sitting at my mom's house being honest. I'm nuts. And I really need some help. And you have to help me. And she said what do you want me to do? And I said I want to talk to daddy. And my dad and her had been divorced for many years by that time. You know their alcoholism. Their marriage. Did not survive their alcoholism. And so she said okay. And I stayed at her house that night in the throes of delirium tremens not even knowing what they were. And God kept me sober anyway. And God kept me alive anyway. And I walked to my father's house the next day. And I banged on the door. And it was probably late. It was probably about 8 o'clock at night I would imagine. And I walked to his house and I knocked on the door. And my grandmother answered the door terrified at the sight of her grandchild. And afraid to let me in because again the far reaching you know alcoholism and spiritual sickness that lived in me affected my grandmother too. And you know thank God for a ninth step that on her deathbed I was able to make direct amends to her before she left this world and to hold her hand and to be in service to her because she was terrified of dying. Despite her you know her being a devout Catholic and getting communion every Sunday and having the priest come to her house and you know she just was scared. She was a fear filled woman. And I was able to make direct amends to her and I'm so grateful for that. And I knocked on her door and she reluctantly let me into her house. And she sat on the couch here and I sat on a chair here and she looked at me and in the sight of me did not know what was going to happen and I said to her where's my dad? And she said he's at a meeting. Right. I was like hmm? What? I said what do you mean he's at a meeting? I had never even heard of AA. I had never ever heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact I didn't even know what AA was and I didn't know that AA stood for Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know any of it. And so I am sitting across from her and she said he's at a meeting and I said what do you mean he's at a meeting? And she said I don't know. You know he has to get this paper signed and she held it up. She said and he goes on the phone and he goes to these meetings and they're down on the avenue of Fernand. And I said who's listening to him? Like really? I mean my dad in my recollection was an alcoholic a domestic abuser you know he was he was somebody who was unfaithful to my mother he was neglectful and abandoned his children like that is the picture that I had of my father. That's what I had. And I loved him but that's what I had to work with. So I couldn't understand what kind of meeting was he at and who would be listening to him? Like what did he have to say that somebody would be interested in? And she said I don't know what's going on down there but if you're going to go find him can you bring this paper because he can't go back without it being signed. And I said okay. And I took the paper and I looked at the paper and it said meeting attendance sheet and it said 1605 East Moymensing Avenue South Philly AA. And so I knew where that was and I went down to the Avenue in Fernand and I banged on the door because I didn't know about AA so I didn't know you didn't have to knock. Banged on the door and some guy answered the door and he looked at me like many people did like this and he said what do you want? And I said I'm looking for my dad. And he said who's your dad? And I said Christopher Package. And he said I don't know him but there's a lot of people in here do you want to come in? And I said okay. And when he stepped out the way from the door my dad was probably down where this young woman is in the back and he did one of these and he looked me up and down and then he called me down to him and I went down and he got up and I sat down and I said dad I need to talk to you. And he said don't talk to me during the meeting. And I thought to myself why did I even come here? Remember I told you self-pity is my favorite defect. So I thought why did I even come here? He never listens to me. He left me. He this, he that. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Always consumed with self. And I heard somebody share something and I thought I did that. So what? And then I heard somebody else share something and I thought I felt like that. And of course I, you know have my head at the floor because I can't look the world in the eye. So I have my head at the floor and I said dad and he said Kim, I said not during the meeting. And then I heard somebody say something and I thought oh my god I can't believe you are so crazy sharing that in a meeting in front of all these people. And when I looked up to see who that person was I saw bright eyes big smiles hearty laughs fresh skin and a cup of coffee in this hand and a cigarette in this hand. And I was home. I knew I was home. And I tell you and I kid you not that that was January 23rd, 1994 and I have not found an excuse valid enough to pick up a drink or any other mind or mood altering substance since that date that has not been by virtue that is by the grace of God that is what it took to get me to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was not smart enough to ask somebody for help that could have said let me take you to a detox let me take you to a rehab let me take you to a meeting I didn't know. I just didn't know. But the grace of God picked me right up pulled this chronic alcoholic back from the gates of death and dropped her right off at a meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous where I was relating to you good people and what you thought and what you felt and what you did and where you've been and even the crazy person that I had no idea would ever have the courage to share what they shared in that meeting that day. And I knew that I was home and after the meeting my father said what do you want? And I said this. And I didn't even know what this was. I had no idea. And a woman turned around from in front of me and I always give her her due respect. Her name is Teresa DeCero because she helped me like nobody else. And she did not take me through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous but she was the first woman in AA to turn to me and say think before you drink kid. The time to call your sponsor is before not after. Now I would like to tell you that I was like thank you ma'am and this and that. That really wasn't how it went down. But I took that coin. I took that coin and that woman laughed at my belligerence and my ignorance and my rude conduct and verbal statements. She laughed at all that and I knew she could tolerate me. And she became my first sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous. And she taught me lots of things that I hear in the rooms of AA that are not based on the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. But they did help me in the beginning and I stayed. So I am not going to talk ill of another human being. She told me that AA was like a hula hoop and it doesn't work unless you're in the middle of it. And so she took me to service commitments and I wasn't eligible to do service but I was eligible to do service. I was eligible to make coffee. I was eligible to clean up ashtrays. At that time, AA was smoking and wiped down tables and put away chairs. And when I had 60 days, she took me to speak. And when I had 90 days, she told me to chair. She told me to do all these things that we do in AA. And I was explaining to some people that I had breakfast with, not strangers, friends I hadn't met yet that I met this morning. And I was explaining to them that I had the cart before the door. I had the cart before the horse but I did not know it. You know what I mean? I didn't realize at that time that we work out our solution on the spiritual as well as the absolutely clean. And you get well spiritually first and then you serve others. You serve God, you serve others and you show up for duty, whatever that may be. But because I didn't know, God kept me sober anyway and I did the things that this woman told me to do. And when I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore, stay out of the mirror wasn't working for me. You know, she kept it very simple and I'd say, I can't look at myself and she'd say, stay out of the mirror, kid. And that just wasn't working for me anymore. I didn't want to walk around self-loathing. I didn't want to walk around feeling like I did not belong in this world and I'd be better off out of it and so would all of you. I didn't want to walk around like that anymore. So I met another woman, Joanne C. And she told me what she could teach me until she relapsed. And then I went to a meeting and I was sharing what experience, strength and hope I did have and a woman walked into the room by the name of Claire Keller and she brought with her a new woman and she thought she was bringing that new woman there for her first meeting. Out of the way. You know, alcoholics and I, you know, we are egomaniacs with no self-esteem so, you know, this woman didn't want to go to a meeting in her neighborhood. She wanted to go to a meeting, her first meeting, out of the way. So Claire brought her somewhere and I shared my experience, strength and hope and Claire, she cried in the front row the entire time. And I thought, this poor woman, she needs my help. I have to take her out to eat with us at the diner afterward. And really, that wasn't the reality. The reality was that she was crying because she had been tapped into a power and she knew that she didn't come to bring that woman to her first meeting. She came to meet me and she walked me through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and she has been sponsoring me for over 11 years now. And I have had the great opportunity to sponsor a lot of women through this process and I suit up for life now and I have been and I show up for life. And let me tell you a couple things that God has done in my life. I can look at you today. You know what I mean? I took that third step with this woman and I love the promises and people leave them to the ninth step and there are promises all throughout the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it says when we sincerely take such a position right before you take the third step, all sorts of remarkable things follow. You'll have a new employer being all powerful. He'll give you everything you need provided you keep close to him and perform well. And that's what I've tried to do since I've lived in the third step with her and I took that step and I experienced that step and I tried to just let it wash over me and now I've been like I've been an agent for God. That's what I do. That's what I do. That's what I love to do. It's first and foremost in my life. It comes before anybody or anything. I am proud to say that I have made a list of resentments and fears and harms to others with the emphasis on sex conduct because that was a really big area of my life that needed an overhauling. But I was sensible about that matter and I don't feel like a drag of society anymore. And after sitting with her and experiencing a fifth step withholding nothing, I was truly delighted because I could look you in the eye. I could look you in the eye and I could be alone with perfect peace. Like I feel comfortable in my own skin. Whether I like what's going on around me or whether I don't like what's going on around me, I know that I have a God that is greater than me and he will not be outdone. And I've offered, you know, my God, you know, at that moment after I got quiet, I offered him my defects of character and I asked him, I asked him, humbly, please remove these from my life. Please. He's taking his time with a lot of them. You know what I mean? And that's okay. That's okay. Because I was explaining to this wonderful woman earlier that I met today, Cindy, that, you know, nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Absolutely nothing. And if you believe that, then you know that there's not a mistake you're going to make in Alcoholics Anonymous or otherwise that is not purposeful in some way. You might not recognize it at that moment, but absolutely it'll serve a purpose somewhere down the line when you have your aha moment. That's why that had to happen. So like in six and seven, I humbly asked him to remove these defects and shortcomings from my life and I had a list of people that I had hurt and it was really long. It was a long time. It was really long. I'd like to tell you that it was like, you know, just a couple people in my immediate family or the, you know, the pat answer that you hear, I really hurt myself. No. My list was really long and I set out to make direct amends to people. Some people I have been able to make direct amends to over the years. Some people I have not been able to make direct amends to. I leave that in God's hands. I've done all I can humanly possible to make that come to pass and then I have to, I'm not in the results business. You know, that's not what I'm here for and, I'll share this and I know I have like a few minutes and the love of my life is here in the room with me today and I'm so happy about that. I couldn't even be happier because God will not be outdone and I had the opportunity to make amends to another human being that was in my life for a lot of years. Monday night and Tuesday he took his last breath and died and you want to talk about I prayed for years. God, how, how is this going to be removed from me? I can't get rid of this. I can't get rid of this. I can't get rid of this resentment. I don't have the power. You need to help me. You need to guide me. You need to show me. You need to bring me. You need to tell me like I can't do it and it will not happen your way because I had no idea that on Monday my phone was going to ring and his brother was going to tell me that he wouldn't live much longer and I got myself up to Jefferson Hospital and I got on my knees in his hospital bed and he was conscious and he heard everything I was saying and he asked me to stop crying. I was sobbing asking his forgiveness for the wrongs that I had done to him. Not, I wasn't there to take his inventory. I was there to provide forgiveness and seek forgiveness in his hour of need and at the time of his death and when I tell you the power of God runs deep it is just incredible. Everything washed from me and that's when that resentment was gone. When I was able to seek his forgiveness and give forgiveness and the peace that washed over that man there wasn't a dry eye in the room his whole entire family noticed the transformation he couldn't cry they cried I cried and I left and I got the call that he died at 7.09pm on Tuesday. Like, that is the miracle of God. It will happen in his time and in his way and I tell you I have no regrets in this life and I make a lot of mistakes I have no regrets. I know that if I trust God and clean house and help others and show up for duty and drive $11, $12 to come somewhere and meet wonderful beautiful glorious all the time the greatest power you will have is the power of example and you never know who's watching. So, walk the walk. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you.