Wreckage Caused to Non-Alcoholics – Big Book Workshop – Part 1 of 2 – Cass N.

At the intersection of the big book, we're on page 104, two wives. And the next three chapters, two lives, the family afterwards, and to the employer, are very often not read by alcoholics unless they've got a problem at a job or something like that because they're not a wife, or they feel their family problems have been taken care of, or they don't have a family. These chapters very often are viewed as the forgotten chapters. Yet these three chapters are the chapters that teach us how to work the principles of this program in all our affairs. When we did the ninth step, we read the first four pages of Two Lives. And what I did when I read them was I turned it around so that we would understand what we did to the non-alcoholic. Now, I'm not going to reread the first Four Pages, but this is basically the nature of our men. This is what we did to people in our families, to our friends, to our employers. And I'm going to pull out some of the comments from these first four pages and we'll look at them as we go. And then we'll pick up with a word-by-word reading. This chapter originally Originally Bill Wilson asked Dr. Bob's wife Ann to write this chapter And Ann was too humble To do it and she said no She could not And Bill's wife Lois wanted to write the chapter and Bill decided for whatever reason, you can come to your own conclusions, he decided he would write it. And so it is written from the point of view of a wife but it iswritten by Bill Wilson, a drunk. Alright, so we're on page 104 and from the point of you of the people whose lives we've touched. If you go to the last paragraph on that page, the non-alcoholic has traveled to Rocky Road. There's no mistake about that. They've had long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding, and fear. Page 105, middle of the first paragraph. we have been unselfish and self-sacrificing we've told innumerable lies to protect our pride and our husband's reputation we have prayed, we have begged, we've been patient we have struck out viciously, we run away we've done hysterical next to the last paragraph on that page we seldom have friends in our home never knowing how or when the men of the house would appear We could make few social engagements. We came to live almost alone. Last paragraph, there was never financial security. 106, first paragraph, sometimes there were other women. And he goes on in the next paragraph, but there were the bill collectors, the sheriffs, the angry taxi drivers, the policemen, and a whole mess of other people. Paragraph on that page, we have tried to hold the love of our children to their father. We told small tots their father was sick, which was much nearer the truth than we realized. They struck the children, kicked out door panels, smashed treasure cockery, and ripped the keys out of pianos. Page 107. The last sentence on the top of the page, death was often near. Under these conditions, we naturally made mistakes. Some of them rose out of ignorance of alcoholism. Sometimes we sensed dimly that we were dealing with sick men. Have we fully understood the nature of the alcoholic illness? We might have behaved differently. You know, one of the problems with the non-alcoholic is The non-alcoholic cannot know that bottomless hole of desperation that we feel. And no matter how hard we try to explain that this is what alcoholism is, and I don't know if you've ever tried doing it, but you try explaining alcoholism to a non-alkoholic and it's like trying to describe color to somebody who was born blind. They cannot relate to it. It doesn't make sense. And one of the things I found is if I get honest with a non-alcoholic in my life, and I will just simply say, realize this. When I was drinking, I was insane. And I was certifiable. And when I'm acting dry, even though I'm not picking up a drink, I'm acting the same and the way I behave people don't really have a hard time sometimes understanding that um and then the next question in the paragraph that's posed is how could men who love their wives and children be so unthinking so callous, so cruel there could be no love in such persons we thought and just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness they would surprise us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while, they would be their sweet old selves only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they were replied with some silly excuse or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking. We as drunks would say anything to protect our supply. I know I did, and my supplies were all these kind enablers who were around me. My husband, who didn't have a clue I had a drinking problem. Friends who meant well, you know, and tried counseling me. And if they threatened my drinking, I cut them out of my life. I mean, there was no basis of a friendship here. But one of the things this chapter does is learn. It's about practicing the principles in all our affairs. And it's going to talk to us about how we need to behave. And many of us today are not dealing with drink as a problem. The alcoholic problems, the liquor problems have been removed. especially if we're at this point in our recovery if we are on this chapter drinking isn't the issue anymore untreated alcoholism is the issue and if you substitute whatever problem you're going through right now whether it's a bad relationship or a stubborn person in your life or criticism you're receiving if you substituted that for the word drink there are going to be very precise directions on how we are supposed to behave, and it's from the point of view of the non-alcoholic. And we'll be getting to that in a minute. Go to page 108. This is where we stopped with the reading. These are some of the questions which race through the minds of every woman who has an alcoholic husband. We hope this book has answered some of them. Perhaps your husband has been living in that strange world of alcoholism where everything is distorted and exaggerated. You can see that he really does love you with his better self. Of course, there is such a thing as incompatibility. But in nearly every instance, the alcoholic only seems to be unloving and inconsiderate. It is usually because he has warped and sickened that he says and does these appalling things. Today, most of our men are better husbands and fathers than ever before. And we're going to go into something now where it is one of the few references I found in the big book that actually talks about abuse in intimate relationships. Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does He is just another very thick, unreasonable person Now they're talking about the active alcohol Treat him when you can as though he had pneumonia When he angers you, remember he is very ill There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men and women are thoroughly bad intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this chapter as a club over your head. Don't let him get away with it. If you are positive he is one of this type, you may feel you had better leave. And here's the question. Is it right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children, especially when he has before him a way to stop his drinking and abuse if he really wants to pay the price? And this can be physical abuse. This can be mental abuse. It really doesn't matter. The thing is, and if you recall, Recall when you're dealing with somebody who is dry, if you go back to page 107, dry people adopt alcoholic behavior. For a while they would be their sweet old selves only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more. I was great at making promises. I was fantastic. And as soon as you gave in, I had you. Gotcha. you. And I knew that I could easily go back to my old ways. And one of the things that I found in sobriety, and most of you who have been here since I started this, you know my story, you may promise after promise that she would stop drinking, she would start drugging. And in the end, I wound up kicking her out of my house when she was 17 because I was her greatest enabler. I was giving her a base of operation to kill herself. I was doing all the right things. And when I pulled the rug out from under her and she had no place to go she asked me if there was any way she could come back and I said yes you can come back if you work the first hundred and sixty four pages of this book because I don't know anybody who has ever for me that one up and she's coming up on four years in this program in order and I found I can do that, I do that in a lot of my personal relationships. I'm not out to try to, and this took time, and I don't do it perfectly. I don' t try to change people. What I do is I look at them, you either sit in my little corner of the world or you don't. And if you don't want to be there, that's fine. But I can't change your behavior. I'm not that powerful. And if you're going to promise me you're going to change, change, changed, you know what? Show me. And if we're supposed to have a relationship, then we'll both be there for one another when the time comes. The problem which you struggle usually falls into one of four categories. And now he's going to describe the four types of alcoholics. And one of the things that Bill Wilson does throughout this book is he never makes a determination that a person is an alcoholic. And sometimes I find myself working with people who, they don't have the drinking problem to the extent that I had it. I cross that invisible line. If I pick up a drink, I have no control. I mean, I'm off to the races. But I work with a lot of people who do have control and they can stop drinking. And I don't make the judgment because they may be as alcoholic as I am. It's just physically they haven't crossed that invisible line. And that's the attitude I find in this book. Alcoholic number one, your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. Perhaps he spends too much money for liquor. It may be throwing him up mentally and physically, but he does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his friends. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm, that drinking is necessary in his business. He would probably be insulted if he were called an alcoholic. This world is full of people like him. Some will moderate or stop altogether, some will not. Those who keep on a good number will become true alcoholics after a while. And this is the time of fun drinking. It is. This is the term when you can handle it. You can stop. You know, you make an ass out of yourself when you're drunk. But you can stop and then you come to husband number two and he's having fun but he's also having a lot of problems with his son. Number two, your husband is showing lack of control for he is unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand when drinking. He admits this is true but it's positive he will do better. He has begun to try with or without your cooperation and various means of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends, whose business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times and is becoming aware that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day also to hold his nervousness in check. He is remorseful after serious drinking baths and tells you he wants to stop, but when he gets over the spree he begins to think once more how he can drink moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. Yes, sir. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly well. He has by no means ruined everything as we say among ourselves. He wants to want to stop. Number three has gone much further than husband number two. the once-wife number two, he became worse. And this poor guy is all problems. His friends have flipped away, his home is in near wreck, and he cannot hold a position. Maybe the doctor has been called in and the weary round of sanitarians in hospitals has begun. He admits he cannot drink like other people but does not see why. He clings to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so. He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop, but cannot. His case presents additional questions which we shall try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful of a situation like this. And you can be right hopeful because this guy's got a mess of problems and if the problems get bad enough, he just may decide to seek help. Husband number four. You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been placed in one institution after another. He is violent or appears definitely insane when drunk. Sometimes he drinks on the way home from a hospital. Perhaps he has had delirium tremens. Doctors may shake their heads and advise you to have him committed. Maybe you have already been obliged to put him away. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our husbands were just as far gone, yet they got well. And this is the point of desperation. This is no place to go. I mean, this is it. Let's now go back to husband number one. Oddly enough, he is often difficult to deal with. He enjoys drinking. It stirs his imagination. His friends feel closer over a highball. No, I'm good. Perhaps you enjoy drinking with him yourself when he doesn't go too far. You have passed happy evenings together chatting and drinking before the fire. Perhaps you both like parties which would be dull without liquor. We have enjoyed such evenings ourselves. We had a good time. We know all about liquor as a social lubricant. Some, but not all of us, think it has its advantages when reasonably used. And now come the precise directions on how to deal with an alcoholic in your life, a sponsee, or change the word from alcohol to anything, any problem that you're having. and this is what I told you I don't remember what week it was I was doing this chapter with a girlfriend with a sponsee of mine and as we were going through it because the instructions are so precise and they are in many ways manipulative she said to me this sounds like manipulation and I said yeah, it is I mean it's the only way you can describe it we were master con people when we were drinking and what god has given us is a way to take that finely tuned con personality that we have and adapt it to something good and you'll see the first principle of success is that you should never be angry this has to be the umpteenth time we've been told, don't get angry, and we'll be told, don't criticize. Even though your husband friend becomes unbearable and you have to leave temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary. There is nothing worse than trying to deal with somebody who isn't tipped off at you, but isn't giving you what you want. Number two, our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking or any other problem. I don't know about you, but you tell me what to do and my heels dig in, I clench my fist and I'm gritting my teeth because I don't like to be told I'm wrong. But you know better. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him, not always another man. Number three, be determined that your husband's drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life though your husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under these conditions. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so no matter how hard you try. The drunk doesn't want to go somewhere. The sponsee doesn't wanna do a particular step. Don't. But then I'm going, or then there's no sense in us sitting here. So I had to learn that I had a life that was separate and distinct from every other human being on this earth. And no matter what they did, it wasn't as important as how I reacted to it, And that I have my life, and my identity is actually separate from everyone else, and I choose to bring it together with a man, with a woman, with the child. And I choose share my life with that person. And that's also what makes me so interested. We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will save many a heartache if you can succeed in observing them. Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcohol problem or any other. Try to have him bring up the subject himself. I can't do that. I fully admit that. I have the hardest time with that. I just bite my tongue when I walk out of the room. You know, when I'm dealing with a problem and I want to talk. I really want to talking. This is the way I used to manipulate when I was drinking. I'm going to talk about this. No, we've got to talk that. Tell me how you feel about it. Okay? You're not sharing your feelings with me. You're nothing honest. You know a lot of guys don't want to, don't wanna talk about feelings. That's my bit. be sure you are not critical during such a discussion attempt instead to put yourself and this is instruction number four attempt instead to put himself in his place let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical the most important question we're asking in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is whether it's to the person sitting next to us or whether it is to the people in our homes and in our lives. And that question is, what can I do for you? When a discussion does arise, we might suggest you read this book or at least a chapter on alcoholism. Tell him you have been... Look at this. This is precise directions. Tell him you have been worried, though perhaps needlessly. Now why though perhaps neededlessly? Well, if you say something like that, what you're saying is you believe in the other person. You believe in that person, you believe their relationship with their higher power. you think he ought to know the subject better as everyone should have a clear understanding of the risk he takes if he drinks too much and here's number five instruction number five show him you have confidence in his power to stop or moderate what am I doing? I am saying to somebody I believe in you and I believe you can do that so you do not want to be a wet blanket that you only want him to take care of his health thus you may succeed in interesting him in alcoholism or a solution to whatever the problem is between you he probably has several alcoholics among his own acquaintances you can bet on that You might suggest that you both take an interest in them. Drinkers like to help other drinkers. Your husband may be willing to talk to one of them. If this kind of approach does not catch your husband's interest, it may be best to drop the subject. But after a friendly talk, your husband will usually revive the topic himself. This may take patient waiting, but it will be worth it. Meanwhile, you might try to help the wife of another serious drinker. If you act upon these principles, your husband may stop or moderate. Suppose, however, that your husband fits the description of number two. The same principles which apply to husband number one should be practiced. But after his next binge or your next argument, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking for good. Do not ask that he do it for you or anyone else, just would he like to. The chances are he would. Show him your copy of this book and tell him what you have found out about alcoholism. Show him that an alcoholic, the writer of this books, understands. Tell him some of the interesting stories you have read. If you think he will be shy on the spiritual remedy, ask him to look at the chapter on alcoholism. Then perhaps he will become interested enough to continue. If he is enthusiastic, your cooperation will mean a great deal. If he has lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone. I've never changed a person's opinion about anything I have nagged people into submission I have had people throw their hands up and say okay, okay Cass, I agree just shut up you know, but I have never changed a person'S opinion about anything and I always like it when it's weeks or months later when somebody adopts my opinion and then they're presenting it as if it's their own. The thing is, I did the exact same thing. I don't think there's an original idea on the planet anyway. Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his mind. And that's instruction number seven. He knows thousands of men much like himself have recovered. But don't remind him of this after he has been drinking, for he may be angry. Yeah, that's true. Sooner or later you are likely to find him reading the book once more. And here is instruction number eight. Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act. for the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed and that's an actual harm that we can do to other people just push them and my motives in pushing my daughter into the program of AA when I first realized she had a problem my motives were pure this is the only solution so on and so forth and she did what every good alcoholic does, she dug her heels in and she was going to do it her way and she would do it for me. She was going decide what her bottom was just like her mother did. If you have a number three husband you may be in luck. This is the guy who's not having any fun anymore. Being certain he wants to stop you can go to him with this volume as joyfully as though you had struck gold, oil, but not if you've been nagging him about it. He may not share your enthusiasm, but he is practically sure to read the book and he may go for the program at once. If he does not, you will probably not have long to wait. Again, you should not crowd him. Let him decide for himself. Cheerfully see him through more screes And here's instruction number nine Talk about his condition or this book only when he raises the issue In some cases it may be better to let someone outside the family present the book They can urge action without arousing hostility If your husband is otherwise a normal individual Your chances are good at this stage You would suppose that men in the fourth classification would be quite hopeless, but that is not so. Many of Alcoholics Anonymous were like that. Everybody had given up on them, defeat seemed certain, yet often such men had spectacular and powerful recoveries. There are exceptions. Some men have been so impaired by alcohol that they cannot stop. Sometimes there are cases where alcoholism is complicated by other disorders. A good doctor or psychiatrist can tell you whether these complications are serious. In any event, try to have your husband read this book. His reaction may be one of enthusiasm. If he is already committed to an institution but can convince you and your doctor that who means business, give him a chance to try our method unless the doctor thinks his mental condition too abnormal or dangerous. We make this recommendation with some confidence. For years we have been working with alcoholics committed to institutions. Since this book was first published, AA has released thousands of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of every kind. The majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep. And this paragraph, by the way, also refers to people on meds. A lot of times, especially where the insurance business is today, a lot of times the meds are just simply dispensed. You want to get meds, you walk into a doctor's office and you say you're thinking of killing yourself. They are required to offer you meds! It is part of the clinical practical guidelines. They do not want to be sued by the family if you kill yourself. And so as a result, alcoholics usually are duly addicted if they've been around a psychiatrist in institutions and I mentioned before that I sponsor people who have been on 19 meds, 16 meds per day day, different meds, nervous system disorder. And that makes us depressed. And the only other thing I want to add there is I never play God and try to take somebody off meds. I have the person go back to their doctor and say they have to be wound down. You may have the reverse situation on your hands perhaps you have a husband who is at large but who should be committed at large in some bars some men cannot or will not get over alcoholism and that's a great line cannot will not he Bill Wilson refuses to make a judgment that this person refuse the program, or maybe they just can't get it. He just will not make a judgment. When they become too dangerous, we think the kind thing is to lock them up. But of course a good doctor should always be consulted. The wives and children of such men suffer horribly, but not more than the men themselves. Okay, this next paragraph relates to the fact that regardless of what is going on in our lives, whether we're dealing with active alcoholism or we're the problem or it's a problem of overwhelming proportion, sometimes individually we've got to move on. We've gotto go on with our lives. But sometimes you must start life anew. We know women who have done it. If such women adopt a spiritual way of life, their road will be much smoother if your husband is a drinker you probably worry over what other people are thinking and you hate to meet your friends you draw more and more into yourself and you think everyone is talking about conditions at your home because we are the center of the universe and everyone has to talk about us you avoid the subject of drinking even when you're Even with your own parents, you do not know what to tell the children. When your husband is bad, you become a trembling recluse wishing the telephone had never been invented. You know, one of the things I didn't realize was that I isolated my family. The disease of alcoholism isolated them. They were living a life that they had to stay away from me. and they really couldn't let anybody in to see what was going on. And we do that to people. We find, and here's some interesting ways of handling this, we find that most of this embarrassment is unnecessary. While you need not discuss your husband at length, you can quietly let your friends know the nature of his illness. but you must be on guard not to embarrass or harm your husband basically gossip harms when I'm dealing with something if I discuss it in detail and it involves another person I don't care what the problem is I'm gossiping and I may say well I really want to get your spin on it I really want to tell you what's going on and how great I acted in the situation and please feel sorry for me. You know, that's usually what's going on. Those are my motives. If I have to explain somebody else's behavior there's very few times I have a chance to do that. When I was married I never had to explain to anyone what, including my husband's boss, why he wasn't at work. He had already called and said I'm sick or I'm taking time off. And there really isn't anything to explain. When you have carefully explained to such people that this is a sick person you will have created a new atmosphere But even then, you have to be careful how you say it. You know, what I usually say is, she's having difficulties. You know? Or she's going through something. Barriers which have been sprung up between you and your friends will disappear with the growth of sympathetic understanding. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must apologize as though your husband were a weak character. He may be anything but that. Your new courage, good nature, and lack of self-consciousness will do wonders for you socially. When I work with sponsees, regardless of what they're doing, what I find is that most of the time I have to say to them as it had to be said to me and still has to today is just tell them what happened don't explain because the minute I start explaining I'm on the defensive and if you let me go a little bit too long guess what I'm starting to lie I'm starting to sneak those little things in there to give you a completely different impression of what is going on but if I simply tell you yeah, I'm the one who screwed up and wait for you to say well why then and just answer that question there's not really a big long explanation and that's all anybody wants to do anyway They just want to know who did it. Or they want to hear me say that I'll take responsibility for it, you know. The same principle applies in dealing with the children. Unless they actually need protection from their father, it is best not to take sides in any argument he has with them while drinking. Use your energies to promote a better understanding all around. then that terrible tension which grips the home of every problem drinker will be lessened. And my sponsor told me very clearly that my husband's relationship with my children are none of my business. And unless I had to protect the kids from him, what he wanted to do with his kids was his business. and what job he wanted to work at whether it was public relations or journalism or being a janitor was his business frequently you have felt obliged to tell your husband's employer and his friends that he was sick when as a matter of fact he was tight avoid answering these inquiries as much as you can whenever possible let your husband explain did you ever do that to a drunk? somebody in recovery listen, when so and so calls tell them, you know no, no, I'm no mediator you get on the phone I don't engage in any kind of triangle you talk to the person your desire to protect him should not cause you to lie to people when they have a right to know where he is and what he is doing um and that does come up realistically people will turn around to somebody close to a drunk and say what's the deal and you know what the bottom line is still the same. You have to ask him. It's not for me to answer. And I don't, I look at, you know, the arguments I got into with friends and boyfriends and family members, and I was answering inappropriately asked questions. What's happening with your cousin? What's happenign with your brother? And I answered. And I was sober. I had no business opening my mouth. He's around, she's around. Call them up now. see when I got sober my sponsor wouldn't let me talk about anything I couldn't gossip, I couldn'y criticize and I had told her I'm not going to have anything to say and she said that's good and I really was very very quiet your desire to protect him should not cause you to lie to people when they have a right to know where he is and what he is doing. Discuss this with him when he is sober and in good spirit. Ask him what you should do if he places you in such a position again. But be careful not to be resentful about the last time he did so. There is another paralyzing fear. You may be afraid your husband will lose his position. You are thinking of the disgrace and hard times which will befall you and the children. This experience may come to you, or you may already have had it several times. Should it happen again, we got it in a different light. Maybe it will prove to be a blessing. It may convince your husband he wants to stop drinking forever. And now that you know that he can stop, if he will, time after time this apparent calamity has been a boon to us for it opened up the path which led to discovery of God. The two most paralyzing things in the world are fear and guilt and I will do anything to prevent becoming my reality the thing I fear most whether it's losing my home or losing the boyfriend or losing my kids I will go to any lengths to prevent it. And I will start playing God instead of trusting God and trusting that person's God. And it takes us right back to the third step in pages 449 to 452. Every person, place, thing, and situation is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment in God's universe. When I criticize you or I criticize me, I'm criticizing God's handiwork. We have elsewhere remarked how much better life is when lived on a spiritual plane. If God can solve the age-old riddle of alcoholism, he can solve your problems too we wives found that like everybody else we were afflicted with pride self-pity vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty as our husbands began to apply spiritual principles in their lives we began to see the desirability of doing so, too. You know, and this is one of the things I forget. I have been saved from a fatal disease. Alcoholism is supposed to kill each and every one of us, either directly or indirectly through pancreatitis or... And God stepped in for each one of us and prevented us from dying. But he can't solve my other problems. He'll perform that miracle, but my bad relationship with my children or my inability to relate as a partner in an intimate relationship or my problems at work my knee-jerk reaction to this boss I can't stand God can solve these problems but he can provide miracles like save me from alcoholism I told somebody who had a God like that that they needed to get rid of that God. Because he wasn't big enough. You need a big God. At first, some of us did not believe we needed this help. We thought on the whole we were pretty good women, capable of being nicer if our husbands stopped drinking. Sounds much like the alcoholic, doesn't it? If only this person would stop, I'd be fine. But it was a silly idea that we were too good to meet God Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our life When we do that, we find it solves our problems too The ensuing lack of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing We urge you to try our program for nothing will be so helpful to your husband as the radically changed attitude towards him which God will show you how to have. And it's, you know, it's the same thing for the non-alcoholic as it is for the alcoholic. Sobriety is contagious. Go along with your husband if you possibly can. If you and your husband find a solution for the pressing problem of drink, you are, of course, going to be very happy. but all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil but growth has only begun. In spite of your newfound happiness there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be. And my sponsor used to say to me every time I complained about things going on when I was new to this program everything happening in your life as a direct result of your drinking. And it was. The faith and serenity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These workouts should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest, they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome. And that's one of the other things I had to learn. I hadと accept the fact and admit that I could make a mistake. Cass Van Zee could make a mistake, that was a really hard pill to swallow. Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings, and resentment. Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These families' dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control. Now, you know this is written by a drunk. You know, we're passing the responsibility of this on to the non-alcoholic. You must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit. you and your husband will find that you can dispose of serious problems easier than you can the trivial ones and I love this next line next time you and he have a heated discussion not on the rare occasion when you and your significant other have a heated discussion. Next time. You know, maybe later tonight. No matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, this is getting serious. I'm sorry I got disturbed. Let's talk about it later. That is great advice. and it works it really does if you can remember to say it it's on page 118 if your husband is trying to live on a spiritual basis he will be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement or contention your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety he wants to make good you must not expect too much his ways of thinking and doing are the habits of years patience, tolerance, understanding love are the watchwords show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected back from you back to you from him live is the rule if you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects there will be little need to criticize each other if you recall when we did the sexual ideal in the fourth step the bottom line on the sexual ideal this is what I want in a significant other everything I want in column A I got to bring in column B if you want it in the relationship bring it we women carry with us a picture of the ideal man the sort of chap we would like our husbands to be. It is the most natural thing in the world, once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that cherished vision. The chances are he will not, for like yourself, he is just beginning his development. Be patient. Another feeling we are likely to entertain is one of resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our husbands of alcoholism we do not like the thought that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has accomplished in a few weeks that for which we struggled for years and that's a real bone of contention among non-alcoholics and it's legitimate you know they were you know they were in the foxhole with us and we put them through hell and we walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and we hang with people in the fellowship and we get a sponsor on whom we say the earth turns and I'm going to speak to my sponsor I'm not discussing that with you I'll discuss it with my sponsor I mean, this really makes for great relationships at home. Really does. And it's necessary, but one of the things that I had to learn was I had a beat. I hadto go to meetings. I hadtosee my sponsor. I haddodothiswork. This was my survival. And there wasn't going to be a family. And there wasn't going to be a light after the meeting, unless I did the work. But I had to learn to bring some balance into it. Another feeling we are likely... Oh, I did that. At such moments, we forget that alcoholism is an illness over which we could not possibly have had any power. Your husband will be the first to say it was your devotion and care which brought him to the point where he could have a spiritual experience. Without you, he would have gone to pieces long ago. When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings. After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem, and you and your husband are working together towards an undreamed-up future. still another difficulty is that you may be becoming jealous of the attention he bestows on other people especially alcoholics you have been starving for his companionship yet he spends long hours helping other men and their families you feel he should now be yours the fact is that he should work with other people to maintain his own sobriety and that's at the beginning we read that at the beginning of the chapter on working with others nothing so ensures immunity from alcohol as intensive work with other alcoholics and the thing is the psychiatrists in the medical profession have tried to figure this one out and they put it under the microscope scope and they try to figure out why aa works one drunk working with another and they don't know And they know it works so well that we're invited to go to hospitals, go to institutions to carry the message because the one thing they do know with certainty is their way just creates a revolving door and the alcoholic is right back in in a matter of weeks, months or years. but if they walk in here they stand the chance of being an invited guest of a hospital or an institution sometimes he will be so interested that he becomes really neglectful your house is filled with strangers you may not like some of them he gets stirred up about their troubles but not about yours it will do little good if you point that out and urge more attention for yourself. My son complained about the fact that I was having women over who I was sponsoring on a Sunday morning and he would get out of his bed and he'd have to put a robe on to walk into the bathroom because there was a gang of women sitting in the living room. And you know what? He was 17 years old and he had a point. And so we rotated the meetings. We find it a real mistake to dampen his enthusiasm for alcoholic work. You should join in his efforts as much as you possibly can. We suggest that you direct some of your thoughts to the wives of his new alcoholic friends. They need the counsel and love of a woman who has gone through what you have. It is probably true that you and your husband have been living too much alone, where drinking many times isolates the life of the alcoholic. Therefore, you probably need fresh interest and a great cause to live for as much as your husband. If you cooperate rather than complain, you will find that his excess enthusiasm will tone down. Both of you will awaken to a new sense of responsibility for others. you as well as your husband want to think of what you can put into life instead of how much you can take out. Inevitably, your lives will be fuller for doing so. You will lose the old life and find a much better one.