Worshipping the Information Rather Than the Power – Peter M.

Good morning, everybody. My name is Peter. I'm an alcoholic. Grateful to be alive and sober and at a meeting. Grateful for this gift of sobriety. What a weekend. What a week. And I am beside myself. First things first, if I can thank the committee for this really wonderful honor and invitation to me to be here with you this weekend. My big book tells me that great events will come to pass and me and countless others, if my relationship with God is right and this is nothing short of a great event. This has been absolutely wonderful. And what a treat to just be a part of this. Forget about speaking, just to be a Part of This and made lots of new friends and have some friends from New York who are here for support. And to my friends from the New York, make yourself at home, hit somebody. I got a whole hour, by the way. I am very grateful to be a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I say recovered because that's what my big book promised me and that's how I've come to experience. I will not share anything this morning on something I do not have experience on because then I'd be a liar. But God has given me, and you have given me wonderful experiences which have transformed my life a day at a time. I live a day and a time, but my spirit doesn't wear a watch. My spirit is able to just be and is. And when I'm integrated with that spirit, I don't live in before and I don' t live in later on. I am awake to the present moment. What a gift that is. Because my life before I got here was driven by fear. God separated me from alcohol June 23rd, 1988, and I'm very grateful for that, and so are a lot of other people I know. But as a recovered member, I automatically assume here a responsibility to uphold the traditions as well as the tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous. To study our literature, to understand our literature to be in touch with our history because I found out here being brought up in Alcoholics Anonymous that when I understand what it is I belong to, I become a better member and my job is not to suit up and show up now but to understand where we came from, our very humble beginnings I mean, this thing started a few years ago. But there's a whole legacy that preceded Alcoholics Anonymous that brought us to this conference, that brought me here to AlcoholicsAnonymous. And I need to be in touch with that. I need the knowledge that I have. I need people to know about that stuff. So many times I go into meetings and a new AA person walks in and they think AA like I did started when I got here. And isn't it a shame that some of us who have been around here a while don't take time out to share our history with them? We didn't have to be there that many years ago A lot of us were born way after Bill passed away. But shouldn't we be in touch with our history and pass that on to the newcomers who walk in the door so they can be productive members, awake and informed members of Alcoholics Anonymous? That's the way I was brought up in AlcoholicsAnonymous, and that's what I'm very grateful to be able to do a day at a time. As a recovering member, I no longer suffer from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body because of the information in the big book, Alcoholics Анonymous, which has awakened my spirit. I'm here today free, free from the illness, free from a lot of the isms that I suffered from, that drove me. Page 62 says we're driven by a hundred forms of fear. It drove me up until the day I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and six months separated from alcohol in here, not drinking to go to meetings. It was still driving me because I was still running around in AlcoholicsAnonymous untreated. And then a very great man was put in my life by a loving God and I began the journey through the big book Alcoholics Анonymous My life has never been the same. I just went to this work recently with a new sponsor I met about 18 months ago. God put a wonderful teacher in my life again. You know, let me say this before we get going. If you're someone new, because I was at the count last night and there were a bunch of new people floating around and you don't have a sponsor and you do not know who to ask, I can tell you from my own experience, this is what you do. You go into prayer and ask God to give you a teacher because why would He deny someone to take you to Him? He won't. So that's what I did. And 18 months ago, a new teacher showed up in my life and I went to this work again. I've been to this world a couple of times. And my question was, how do I approach this work going through it again? I had a whole lot of information. I've Been Through the Steps. I can tell you the big book forwards and backwards. I studied it. I work with it. I've gone to big book workshops. I'd done big book workshop. How do I do this? How do we approach this word again? you know we're around here a little while and we got this thing called re-emergence of ego I know the book I could hear someone give a talk and I'm saying okay they're talking about page 68 have I become attached to the information have I started to worship the information or was I going through this work to get more information or to get a deeper relationship with this power that I ought to be worshipping and seeking and that's what I approach this work with this time seeking this power rather than worshipping the information because this work in a big book All the steps that we do, all the things that we do in Alcoholics Anonymous, all these wonderful things are pointers. They guide us. They take us to a God of our understanding where hopefully we get to a place where we're completely stripped of everything, integrated with this power and we get free But on the way what happens is this The things that take us to our power become the very things that block us from this power And ego loves it Because ego will endorse I heard a gentleman say yesterday, ego will endorse what we know we're doing well it knows where to get us my big book tells us this is sly, clever and devious difficult to detect a subtle foe alcoholism knows how to work I went to the University of 86th Street I had to look up the word subtle I didn't know what it meant and I found that it was sly clever, devious and difficult to detect. A great word for this illness that wants to lay in wait for me just to be open to get in and take me right out of here So I approach this work by looking to get a deeper relationship with this power. Many times we get stuck on the second half of the first step. My life's unmanaged, okay. I know that. Blind man can see that. I know I have no power choices and control over the first drink while drinking and while I'm sober. Know that. But then we get around here a little while and we start to get okay. You can tell new people right away. The guys get new sneakers and the women get hairdos and manicures. You know they're new right away, seems to be the first change. I'm not lying. And we get around here a little while, right? And we go to work and we start speaking at lots of meetings and people start to know us. We know where the coffee room is. We know who's chairing the meeting. Things, we go back to work, the wife lets you back in the bedroom, you know. Things start to get nice. We get some money in our pocket. We get a little bit responsible. Things get nice, things get comfortable. and we become a prey to the comfortability because any lens that we walked in here with, I'll do anything sponsored that you tell me to do. Suddenly it isn't so important. It's like the amends I have to make, tomorrow I'll be able to do it. Tomorrow I'll throw this out for some consideration. A very great teacher told me this. We say, you know, I've gone through the steps, I've done through the work, whatever terminology you want to use, it doesn't make a difference to me. I've got through the world of the spirit. Well, here's the question to consider. Do I have any outstanding amends right now, this morning, Sunday morning, that I'm consciously aware of that I haven't made? Because maybe I've had a spiritual awakening as a result of steps nine and a half. And have I really gone through the steps? Have I really entered a world of the Spirit? Have I realmente been woken up? And how come I'm not making those amends? Is it possible I have first step reservations that maybe I became the power that any lengths I walk in here with is something like, well, you know what, they don't know me, I don't remember them, they don' t even remember me, I feel good today. How dangerous. I feel good because what we do is we worship our emotions too. See, if I feel good, I wake up on a Monday morning and I feel really good. I feel physically fit. Everything's good. There's no noise in my head. I feels good. I feel spiritual. I must be doing something right. Tuesday I wake up. I don't feel so good. And I start to get down on myself and the judge starts to scream at me. I'm not doing anything. I mean, I don' t feel so good today. I dont feel so spiritual. So maybe I'm doing something wrong. And I suddenly moved into worshipping my emotions rather than the power, which is what this is all about. This whole thing is about the glory of God and getting to your God, being integrated with it, and passing on to a new person who walks in the door who's completely empty. That's my job. I'm here 15 years, thank the good Lord, recovered. I'm no longer the most important person at any meeting. And if you think you are, maybe you're missing something. Because my job is to serve Alcoholics Anonymous, to get the new recruit here, or when they're here, to work with them and pass this on if they want it. and I've been guilty over the years of ramming this down someone's throat because I wanted it more than you did and I'd been guilty of watering it down because I want to do more than you did to trial and error God has moved me to a place if you want it I'll walk through fire with you but you're going with me and we'll get to the other side of that archway one way or the other and we will both stand free and then you'll go back into the fellowship and pull somebody out like me who wants this message what great stuff that's what we do here we save lives because I have found out this sick spirit which I suffered from for many years that blocked spirit, that dead spirit that untreated person we damage people I destroyed my family and not because I was that powerful but this thing called alcoholism which owns me is and it tore up my entire family and they suffered I became their bedevilment they suffered from my illness but the awakened spirit goes back into that family and things change You ever do a 12-step call? You walk into the house, you 12-stop a guy. I've done it many times and the wife is doing two things. Take him and get him out of here. And when you walk in the house it looks dirty, it's dingy, it looks depressed looking. It looks like a drunk. The house looks like he's drunk. The other thing she'll tell us is, is he coming home with fear? The kids are in the other room, the dog doesn't even want to know him. you work with that drunk and they wake up and you go back in that house three months later, six months later it's a different house it looks different, I've experienced this the people in the house are different it's different, it's woken up because that's what an awakened spirit does it touches the lives of others and it isn't because I or us are that powerful but God is, that's What He does we save lives look around this room You guys look indescribably wonderful this morning. What a good deal. What a great deal. What a big deal. My home group is the Free Spirit Group, located in Brooklyn, New York, where the only requirement for membership there is a pinky ring, sunglasses, and gold jewelry. We got guys in my home group who think The Godfather was an educational movie. By the way, we also changed how it works into how you're doing. A quick story about the type... I heard God has a sense of humor, the type of people God put in my life. I was a new kid on the block and I walked into my group and they were planning one of these AA outings and they decided to go fishing. Five guys from Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. We're going to go fishin'. Never been fishing before, but they were going to do it. They were going fishing. So, I mean, if they got water on their shoes and they're going, oh, you got my shoes wet. But how do five guys from Brooklyn get dressed to go fishing? Like I am this morning. These were guys, if you yelled out, land ho, they would say, don't talk about my mother. But we were out on a boat and, you know, set sail. We looked like headed for Gilligan's Island and my friend Sally Boy, that's a Brooklyn name, threw the reel in the water and he's waiting for something. And an hour goes by, two hours goes by and he finally grabs. And he's pulling on this reel and he's pulling on the reel and it's getting heavier and heavier and we're thinking maybe it's someone from the neighborhood we thought was on a long vacation. Anyway, he pulls his fish on board and it is flipping and flapping on a deck from side to side so they are throwing punches at it and kicks at it. I'm starting to cry because of the poor fish that are throwing me overboard. And finally my friend Sally Boy grabs his fish in a bear hug and goes to stick his head on the water. I said, Sally, what are you doing? He said, I'm going to drown them. And with all of that, I'm here recovered, man. How's that? But that's my home group. I suffer from back pain, and a guy told me, you know, back pain is, I read somewhere, he says, Pete, it's from this deep inner rage. I says, yeah, I've been a home group member over here for 15 years. You would have back pain too. It has been the training ground for me, trust me. But it is my home. And I just want to put a plug and some gratitude for what's going on where I currently live for the last eight years in Staten Island because there are, my friend Tom is here. What a gift in my life he is. There are just so many wonderful things happening in Staten Island, these clusters of enthusiasm. When I first got there, there was one group doing this work and a lot of untreated stuff happening and what a privilege it is to be a part of what's going on in Stten Island. It's like this weekend. I mean, we have people showing up an hour before a meeting and hanging out an hour afterwards. And you want to see the power of God? I see it in Staten Island meetings because an hour after a meeting is done, you've got a drunk in a corner working with another drunk, taking time out of their schedule because they know this person needs help. And I'm right in the middle of it. What a gift. What a gifts. What a great gift I'm a part of. I was dying in a hallway 15 years ago when I'd been moved here and found some wonderful people in Stten Island. There's some nights, I know this sounds kind of corny, but there's nights I'm in bed and I just hold on to my pillow real tight because I'm just so grateful I'm sleeping in a bed with clean sheets next to a woman I love and I'm a member of this sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. What a treat. To tell you in a general way what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now and what I'm trying to be like today, a day at a time, as a result of living in all three sides of this triangle and working with a lot of enthusiasm with our disciplines in 10 and 11. I work very, very hard with that stuff because the benefits have been incredible. I need a whole lot of booze to get through life and I need an entire lot of God right now to live and to be a vital member of this place. My first drink came when I was about 14 years old. I grew up in Brooklyn and I remember my first drunk like it happened last week. It was that clear to me because it was life-changing for me. My life has never been the same since my first drunk. It was a Saturday night just off the corner across the street from a church. Actually, it was a bunch of storefronts made into this makeshift church and they were raising money and there was a feast happening. Excuse me. And I remember what I was experiencing then as I opened this talk with. I was driven by fear. You know, I was the type of guy that would shake in my shoes. You know when you're so nervous you can feel your forehead getting like sweaty and you can hear your voice as you're talking and you just got that vibrating going on. I was vibrating like that, and I was just so insecure. And I watched my friends drink a quart of Colt 45. They were passing around the court, and they were joyous, happy, and free drinking beer. They were in the moment. You know, they were roughhousing, talking to the girls, and the music was in the background, and my friends were just off the corner. I was further down the block, maybe 20 feet from them. And I wanted so desperately to get in there and mix it up with them. I wanted. But there was this judge and this victim inside of me. The judge would bark at me You know, what a loser I was. And the other part of me would say, you know, the judge is right. You don't belong anywhere. I tried hanging out with the jocks that couldn't do it. I tried hangin' out with tough guys that got beat up. I tried handin' off their intellects. It was a disaster area. Couldn't even pull that one off. Wherever I went, there I was, and this Saturday night was certainly no different. They were drinkin', and what came to me was how many times my dad had given me very, very clear warnings, stern warnings about hangin'' out with those bums on the corner. I don't ever want to catch you drinking with those guys and don't bring any of those girls around this house now up until the time I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and specifically made a nine step approach at my dad back then when he would look at me I would shake in my shoes, he was a tough guy from South Brooklyn, a street guy full of love, I didn't know until I got here, but a different character than me, and so when he Would look at me, I would Shake, and when he gave me these warnings I took them, until the Saturday night rolled around. There were many things going on in my family at the time. I had a mom who suffered from this thing called alcoholism and she experienced it more about alcoholism, talks about that incomprehensible demoralization. She experienced that over and over and again. And I grew up with that stuff wondering when is my mom going to get better? When is she going to sober up? I didn't know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous. I just knew my mom was drinking herself to death. And she finally succeeded in doing that, when she died I was completely leveled by it. I was destroyed by it, it took many years in here and getting outside help to walk through that and I've had some experiences with meditations put that to rest but back then when she took her life I was completely level. My design for living was removed right out of my lap. I had this guy called dad who was cunning, baffling, powerful, 20 feet tall and my mom was the only one I could go to and she gave me great instructions for life but she was just so sick and she finally succeeded what she tried to do for so long and I was level empty and I think we all get separated from this power somewhere I don't believe God puts us here and then separates us leaves us on our own that would be a cruel God I don�t have a cruel God and I doubt you do also I have a loving and caring God but somewhere I got separated my mom would teach me how to pray I'm a Catholic she would take me to church she would do all these wonderful things and try to bring me up right tell me how much God loves me and then she dies I see her suffer and die and I Think that's where maybe I was separated from this power. Separated. And thank the good Lord I come in here and I have this new relationship integrated once again with this power, but back then it wasn't like that. And I think that's why I was separated from God. When I watched my friends drink, I wanted desperately to get in there, put my hand in there and grab the quart and see what they were experiencing. It had to be better than what I was. Well, I remember the quart went around the first, second, third, fourth time and I don't know why, but something came over me to put my hand in there and grab the cord and I took a few pops. It hit my stomach and nothing happened. And on that, I took some more and I something happened to me that I never experienced in my entire life. Doctor's opinion says the sense of ease and comfort that comes by taking just a few drinks, drinks I see others taking with impunity. They weren't suffering. On the I judge your insides by the outside, they seemed to be okay in doing what they were doing. Their lives seemed to be okay. They were the older guys. they were like 16 and like rebels without a clue, but they were like my heroes. So I took a little bit more and I took a little Bitmore and I got more fired up. I got more fired-up and suddenly I was awake to the present moment because I wasn't thinking about my dad. I wasn t thinking about mom. She died January 23rd and this was spring summertime. It was about six months later and that pain was suddenly removed. The fear of my dad driving up and catching me drinking on the corner The fear of the cops removed everything. The voices up here, the vibrating, everything went away. Alcohol was my solution. And I will tell you this, alcohol helped me deal with my alcoholism for many, many years. It was a panacea for my ills, man. It was it. I drink, I feel better, I'll take more. I wasn't thinking about Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't even know what an alcoholic was. I watched my mom die from this. But who knew what an alcoholic was? I mean, maybe if you told me, I would think of some guy in the Bowery, you know. I remember my dad used to drive us through Manhattan, drive through the barriers and say, that's what happens if you don't go to school. He would point at the bums. That's what happened if you do drugs. Who knew what an alcoholic was? Certainly not me. And I had no idea what alcoholism is. I found out the hard way, like all of us, by drinking. See, lots of people, there's a lot of hard drinkers in Alcoholics Anonymous who can tell you don'T drink and go to meetings. They don't know they're killing people with statements like that because they're the hard drinker or the moderate drinker. I'm the guy on page 21, the real alcoholic. I didn't know what a real alcoholic was back then. And I suffer from three things, and I don't want to preach to the choir here, but I'll do it anyway. I suffer for this mental obsession. I would get in terrible trouble on a Monday, and Tuesday my mind would tell me Monday wasn't that bad. It would convince me to drink again. I would bottle eye every time, and at the end the truth almost killed me. It would pretty up a junkyard to get me back, and it would figure out a way to get me back to a drink. Once I bought the lie and put liquor in my body, I suffered from this thing our doctor's opinion talks about so much better than I can, this phenomenon of craving, that whenever I drank alcohol, the craving was intensified, was never satisfied more, and I kept drinking. That was my drink. You want to see instant sobriety for me? Yell out last call. I sober up in a heartbeat because it was panic again. Where am I going to continue this drunk? You can go home. I can't. The other thing was this spiritual malady to talk about in our book, and I referred to that earlier. I think that's where I was separated, where I got blocked from this power, and those three things qualify me to being here. Getting arrested, getting beat up, getting car crashes may make me come to Alcoholics Anonymous, but it doesn't necessarily qualify me to be an alcoholic. I'm grateful my sponsors, my teachers have been real alcoholics because if they were non-alcoholics, maybe hard drinkers, They would have said, you know what? Don't drink and go to meetings. And I kept getting drunk. Step one tells me I'm going to drink. The real apple offered me a solution. Many times the hard drinkers in AA, they meant it from their heart. They were not trying to hurt me, but they would say, you want sobriety? Go make coffee. There's a lot of sobriery in a coffee pot. I'm still looking. Join the sober softball team. How is that going to keep me sober? How is dat going to give me an experience? It fell short. but my sponsors have been real alcoholics who told me I was suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience would conquer I don't tell people when they come into Alcoholics Anonymous ever, I wish you a slow recovery because I've heard that in AlcoholicsAnonymous how dare I wish a drunk walking in here dying I wish he were slow recovery how arrogant have I become to wish a drunken slow recovery, when did I become God but I hear that in alcoholics anonymous a slow recover, isn't God in charge of the recovery and not me. My job is to pass the message on and let God determine how fast they're going to get this. When I hear that, I wish it was slow recovery. But great people, when I went to treatment in Minnesota, and the people I met in Brooklyn gave me a different message. Very grateful for them. I got drunk that night and there were no consequences. I've heard many people share some horrific consequences on the first drunk. Terrible things happen on the third drunk. Nothing like that happened to me. I went home after getting a really good load on I went to bed, I got up the next morning my teeth were still in my mouth no black eyes, I hadn't soiled my clothes nothing bad, I remembered everything when I woke up the Next Morning Bill says three great words in his story I had arrived when I was drinking cold 45 beer on the corner of 75th Street and 20th Avenue in Brooklyn and I got to that place out there that's indescribably wonderful I arrived at my passage into manhood everything was good And so when I got up Sunday morning to go down to the park to play basketball with the older guys, I walked into that park and my shoulders were just a little bit wider. My chest was a little big bigger because I got my stripes the night before. And I knew I found a solution. I can deal with this week because next Saturday I'm going to get fired up and capture that elusive feeling once more. I'm gonna get to that place. I found the solution. I felt part of finally something made me awake to the present moment. It's cold, cold 45 beer. I didn't know. I just stepped onto a road paved right to hell called alcoholism. It was going to turn into this flight, as Bill says, like a boomerang, and at the end cut me to ribbons. Knew nothing about it. Just give me more, man, because I want to feel better. I started drinking on Saturday nights, and I got, you know, the brainstorm. Why wait until Saturday when I can get this going on Friday? So I started drinkin' on a Friday, and it became Friday, and then Saturday, and Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And little by slowly, I was drinkin'. I was drinking during the week. My hero went from Mickey Mantle to Keith Richards. and I wanted to be like Keith so as a musician I was a wannabe basketball player growing up in Brooklyn I thought I was Michael Corleone for a while but you know I was trying to do all these things but I wanted to drink and liquor as Bill says assumed more serious proportions in my life and there were many many unhappy scenes in my house little by slowly the consequences that I was starting to experience my family was starting to experience also because of my drinking. I became Debbie Devilman and they didn't do anything. You know, as I continued to drink during the week my dad would tell me I want you home by a certain time. That went out the window. Don't hang out with this crowd. That went off the window and he would give me these lectures. My dad would be out socializing with his friends I have two kid brothers at home and I wait for him to leave and then I go out. Leave sober. My two kid brother idolized me. They would dress like me try to talk like me try to be like me I was their older brother. And then I would come home drunk and very, very often I was a nasty, ugly drunk dumping lots of earthy language in their lap about this guy that took my mom and this guy called dad I have no idea how to operate around I'm scared to death and they got all of it. And little by slowly they start to become afraid of me. My alcoholism was affecting them and they didn't do anything and they would tell my dad and my dad would corner me and give me these lectures about what I was doing with my life. They saw my downfall way before I did. And my biggest problem with drinking back then was their problem with my drinking. But I was affecting them, this thing called alcoholism. Now you want me to stand at a podium and say don't drink and go to meetings and you're a winner? How arrogant. My big book tells me we're like tornado roaring through the lives of others. We leave what? Damaging the priest. Those people are home doing their thing and we tear up their lives. And I want to come into an AA meeting and say just don't Drink and Go to Meetings and you's a winner. What about amends? What about going back and fixing that stuff? What about being a productive member of your family and nursing them the way they nursed us? What about that? I don't hear that enough from Alcoholics Anonymous. Not where I'm from. I hear, don't drink, go to meetings, don't worry about the steps, the steps will get you. Do a step a year, the AA walls. Could you imagine if Bill did a step per year? We would not be here this morning. See, but I'm so grateful for the teachers, The first teachers I met in Minnesota, when I went to treatment out there, who ruffled my feathers. They disturbed me on the question of alcoholism. They were in a life-saving business. If they became friends, great. But they put their head on a pillow knowing they gave me truth and it disturbed me. And I went back to them for more because they knew what they were talking about. I couldn't be around people who said, well, you know what? Read page 449 in acceptance and call me every day. Read how it works. Work the slogans. How am I going to turn it over? I'm looking to turn a table over when they would tell me those things. I started to become a coward, which is what alcoholism turned me into, a coward. Not a tough guy. And like a coward what I would do is when I would wake up as Bill says when a morning terror man is on him, it was on me and I needed to get money to get out the door to go get fired up. And what I did like a cow was steal from people that I love. My family. It was an easy mark. You know, my brothers were going to school and they had part-time jobs and you would figure money is safe in the house, in the dresser drawer, on a counter, wherever it is, right? It's home. But not with me in the household because I would do, if there's 50 bucks, my thinking is 30's half it goes with me. They'll work and they'll get more. And I was really okay with it. I started to steal from my dad. You know he would go down for breakfast in the morning. He'd have his robe on and his pants would be draped over the dressers and he always carried lots of cash on him and I'd go into his pocket and take money out of it and then meet him for breakfast. And like any loving parent would say, do you need any money on you today? I'd say, Dad, I could use a few bucks. You go back upstairs and give me some money. Tell me have a good day. And I had that going. One morning I woke up and I really needed to get fired up and I was experiencing that uneasiness. Like I knew I needed to drink and I wasn't going to start to get sick and I couldn't steal from the house except for one place. I went to address a drawer and I found my dad's checkbook. And so I got to brainstorm if I could forge his name I'll go down to the bodega, the liquor store. You guys have bodegas out here, by the way? No? There are places where you sell beer and food, one of those places. And I would go in there, and I would forge my dad's name and cash it and get some money and go get fired up. And I did that for a short time because I knew nothing about something called checking statements. That stuff came back, and he came looking for me. And he caught me over in Manhattan, lower Manhattan, right by the Brooklyn Bridge, a place called Southbridge Towers. I was dating a girl and we were sitting in the car. My dad drove up and jumped out of the car and screamed my name and I knew I was in trouble. Any time that type of approach from this man, I knewI was in troubLe. You know, it wasn't like Leave It to Beaver on TV where dad shows up with a shirt and tie. My dad's a long showman and you listen when he spoke and he jumped outofthe car And what I did was, instead of driving away, I left the girl in the car and I got out and I ran away. And he yelled my name and I froze. And the first thing I did was blame her. It was her fault and the guys in the neighborhood and thank the good Lord he didn't buy any of it. He sent me off to my first rehab. And I went away to this place in Long Island, New York, this real nice place And what I did for 28 days was push-ups and sit-ups. I ate great, slept great. I learned words like enablers and dysfunctional family and inner child and all these fancy words. Never took responsibility for my illness. I didn't concede to my innermost self the first step that I was an alcoholic. That's a spiritual thing when that happens. When we get to that bitter end, that place, where we, deep down in here, no one has to point fingers at us, we concede for our innermOST self. I was nowhere near that. I got caught. In fact, the first few rehabs I went to, I got caught and it got too hot and I had to get out of town. So rehab sounds like a good deal. You know, they'll nurse me back. They'll give me some medication. I'll be eating soon. I get a nice clean bed, watch a little TV, go to group, talk about my enablers, all that jazz, and I'm out of there freshening up when it cools down. And that's how I would go to rehab. And I got out after 28 days and I Had a girl meet me at the door and I was going to celebrate my homecoming like I did a bit in jail somewhere. And she brought up a bottle and I said, they told me to go to meetings. Well, you know what I did, right? I'm powerless over alcohol. I didn't know it then. I know it now. I took the bottle and cracked the seal. I take a few pops. It went down. And little by slowly, the allergy kicked in. And I was right back in the same vicious cycle. And my delusional mind was telling me, this is nice. We're going to nurse at this time. We're going to do different things this time, we won't get caught and I got caught and I went to my second rehab and I went to the third rehab. My dad got me a job as a longshoreman on the Brooklyn waterfront the training ground for spiritual growth if you've ever been there these guys are fed up with the day at sunrise and I show up and what I did was I brought my alcohols in down there and I did a lot of illegal things for the price of a drink It's a good place to hustle up money. I brought shame, I brought frustration, terror, bewilderment, and despair into my dad's life where he had this impeccable reputation. And guys would show up to him and say, you know, your son borrowed money. We haven't seen it. He didn't show up for work. He did this, he did that. And my dad who would walk proud started to walk hunched over because of the shame he was experiencing because of me and my illness. And you want me to say don't drink and go to meetings? You know, how dare I? and I went away to rehab after rehab and I remember getting thrown off the waterfront and taken back on and there was a time where I went to live with my grandparents and they took me in because my family had to close the doors on me because you can't live here anymore I remember when my dad threw me out for the first time how much anger I had towards him for doing this I'm your son, how could you throw me out when I got in here and woke up I realized how he had to say it with a broken heart to throw his oldest son out of the house. With a brokenheart, he had to do that. I didn't see that back then. Why should apostles let me see what you're feeling? It's only about me. And I went to live with my grandparents and she took me in and after a short time I got thrown out of there for a lot of my stuff. I was robbing from her, stealing, doing a lot OF things, never coming home and then she told me one morning that I can't let you come back here anymore. She said, I don't know what kind of diseases you're going to bring into this house. So I showed up on a Sunday morning to a house filthy from a three-day drunk, really looking the part of a Bowery bum and she could not believe what walked in the door and she asked me to leave and I didn't like her either. And there were a lot of ugly words in my mind I had towards the sweetest woman in the whole world who would take all of us in but she had to throw me out too. And I would go from place to place from girlfriend to girlfriend and when you're drinking she looks like Bo Derek and the next morning, she looks like Bo Diddley and you wonder how that happened. I had a lot of those. God's got a sense of humor, let me tell you. But I would bounce around and I remember getting into trouble, getting arrested for the first time and looking my dad right in the eye and said, Dad, I swear to you, I'm never going to do this again. I won't drink anymore. I won't do this anymore. Look at him dead in the eyes and do this. What a great liar. I became drinking. And then as soon as I was out the door, I said, okay, that's over. Let's go get fired up. I just won't get caught. This is what I brought to my family who loved me. I remember keeping company with this girl in Staten Island and she was like a barmaid downstairs and I was upstairs in this motel room, one of those places, and there was a bar downstairs and a hotel upstairs and that's where I was living. And I remember praying to die. I was out there living on the streets, bouncing around and one day I woke up and I went to steal money out of her purse to go on another drunk. I needed to drink and what I found instead was what was left of a bottle of Valium. And Bill says how the courage to do battle was not there. It was not here for me. I had met my match, I was overwhelmed alcohol was my master and I knew it I was finished and I wanted out of this thing called life, I don't want to do it anymore this was my contact with a God out there, if you're out there take me because I realized how much it was hurting my family and I didn't want to live and I swallowed that bottle of what was left of a bottle of pills and washed it down with Jack Daniels and I got into bed and waited to die when I was eating those pills, I thought of something. When my mom died by taking her life, there was a part of me, I remember walking into the first funeral I ever walked into had to be her sitting in this box. And I remember the fear and the abandonment I felt by this. I kept thinking I could have done something to stop it. I walked with that for many years. There was another part of me that said, how could you do this? How do you take your life? You have to be weak. She had to be weak to do this. And as I ate those pills and washed it down with Jack Daniels, I had this moment. I said, this has nothing to do with being weak. It's all that's left. I want to die. That's what alcoholism loves to do. Wants me dead will settle for me drunk and Dying is a great way to go now. Because I can't. I can not face another day this anymore. You know what I am talking about when you are at that place. I cannot do it, man. Okay, I will die. And that is where I was and I realized what she suffered from this thing called alcoholism. That is where it took her and it took me and I was a willing person to go along for the ride. God had other plans because he interrupted my death many times because I am here this morning I remember a guy banging on the door he came in he said why don't you come across the street with me we meet, we talk about our apples and I had no idea he was a member of AA but already God sent the flimsy reed to me and I didn't want to hear it I listened to his tale alone because my thinking was in about a half hour I'll be a nice guy and hit him up for some money that's what I did and he didn't give me money and I chased him and I went right back to what I was doing again and I got bounced out of this motel and I hit my fourth and fifth rehab and after my fifth rehab I will tell you this we say in Alcoholics Anonymous how God works through people but it isn't only people in Alcoholic Anonymous it's people it's an employer it's a policeman it's our spouse it's out children because there comes that time where they reach out once more and we hold on and I will telling you this for me for me if it wasn't for my dad you have a different speaker here this morning he kept me alive long enough and hung in there with me over and over and over again believing in me more than I did and he kept me alive long enough to get here and I've gotten a life because of you every year on my birthday I speak to my dad all the time because we've been set on new footing and our roots grass new soil because of Alcoholics Anonymous. But every year on my birthday, I send my dad a card just to let him know that I can never repay him for what he's done. But I got out of my fifth rehab, and my dad, like the cavalry, showed up and got me this apartment in Brooklyn, this little studio apartment. You had to go outside to change your mind. It was so small, but there it was. and you know my dad was saying what you need is you know get back to work or get your job back on the pier you need to meet a nice girl my dad's Italian, he needs to meet a nice Italian girl and get married and have some kids and that was his thinking he didn't know that no human power could work but that's what he was hoping for anything and by the way I married an Irish girl which oh my god you know real quick I don't want to divert too far here but when we were first dating I was making like 50 meetings a week and she would say my god she's a civilian go to meetings can't you take some time off and hang out and then she came to an AA birthday where I had to give a talk and after the meeting she says make sure you make a lot of meetings she found out who I was But, you know, this is what my dad's hope for me was. And what I did with this apartment was brought the whole Bowery in there in a short time. The guy wanted rent every month who lived upstairs. I never had it. You know, I would sneak in, almost burn the place down. I was experiencing those audio hallucinations. I was seeing things. I was living to die in this place and I got bounced off the pier again and I was existing in this space and it became a horror show. It became a nightmare. this den of just horror is where I was living and I remember my dad once again had to cut ties with him and my kid brothers they didn't know if they wanted to save me or just beat me up beat me into some sort of sense a reality my two kid brothers used to look at me with contempt because of what was happening to their older brother and believe me I brought them into a lot of the jackpots I got into you gotta get me out of this one you gotta getting me out this is their older Brother living like a bum and this place I'll just share this with you, not for shock value, but this is where I was brought to. This place was filthy. I stopped bathing. Liquor was the most important thing in my life. Everything came first. If that came first, everything came last. There was laundry piled up all over the floor that was filthy, there was garbage spread all overthe floor. I slept in a bed with no sheets and pillowcases, it was soiled, I wasn't making it to the bathroom at night. I didn't care. Just as long as I had a jug, I was drinking Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy. That's all I cared about and I would go to any Lentz to get it. I would hide the bottle and come to the next morning wondering where I hid the bottle and rip the place apart. The people upstairs were upstanding citizens. They had children working, had another one on the way and I was living downstairs and I hated everything they represented because on Sunday mornings if I was home and come around 2 o'clock, they would be out in the backyard having these little family get-togethers, you know, these barbecues. And I would hear them and hate them, what they represented. They were happy because I couldn't have it. And I wanted to be like that. And i knew i couldn't do it anymore. I knew i was done. And i was resigned to the fact that i was going to die on the street. I just hope it happens quick and it ain't too painful. What a horrible way to go through life. But this is where i was brought to. And after a short time, i was bounced out of this apartment. I went to go live on the streets and I spent about a day and a half in my sixth rehab and I signed myself out because the obsession to drink alcohol was pulling me through any crack in the wall. It had to go. I have no power. I have not choice. I have no control. I have no input into the decision that's made for me by my illness when I'm going to go drink. It says go drink and I go drink I can't think it through. You know you hear think to drink through really tell that to a real alcoholic who's in a state of obsession to drink it through, to think the drink through. Page 24 destroys that theory, think the drink through? I can't bring into my mind with sufficient force the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. You want me to think it, think the drink true? If I can do that, why would I be in a meeting of Alcoholics synonymous. I would just not drink and stay home. Probably coming from a moderate drink and telling some real alcoholic, join the silver softball team. See, but I got a responsibility here as a real alcoholic. My big book tells me we can't transmit something we haven't got. What am I transmitting? Am I sound asleep thinking I'm awake passing untreated information? to someone, an untreated alcohol passing information to someone who really needs us to live. Makes me responsible right away. Where am I right now in this world? Where am i currently? Am I awake? Am I still holding on to things? Am I stil plagued by my past that I can't be awake to the present moment? Am I sharing about the glory of God to a new drunk whether he doesn't want to hear it or not? Don't talk about God, just get a new drink out. Really, if he's lucky, liquor will kick him back in. this is what this is about I think about getting right with God I got a responsibility waking up ain't pleasant but it's awfully freeing if someone's new here you go through this work with a sponsor to the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous and being quick to see where religious people are right don't deny yourself that I have and make use of what they do because I do it's all great you won't experience relief here you'll experience freedom there's a big difference and you'll get freer as you continue to have new and effective spiritual experiences with this great power. What great information if you're sitting here tonight rocking and rolling with a smile on your face and dying on the inside, because I did it. We're actors. Get a real alcoholic. Find one. We're here. And just ask. We know where you are. You don't have to pretend. We know Where You Are. And the real people who are doing the deal will go to any lengths to help you recover. I got thrown out of this apartment and I went to live on the streets and I signed myself out of my six rehab and it was a disaster. I used to panhandle by the Manhattan Bridge and, you know, panhandled through the Lower East Side and do whatever I had to do to get a drink and I took up residency in the back of a hallway on a street called Division Street in Lower Manhattan and I would go to any lengths for the price of a drink and I lost contact with my family. I was unemployable. I was living the part of a bowery bum. And again, I used to say, you know, if you're out there, why are you doing this to me? And I had one day, and we all experienced this moment of clarity, that lucid interval that our big book talks about, that little bit of opening where we're struck sober for that moment, right? And I realized at that moment what I was, and I was going to die. And I thought of my mom who had passed long before that. I had thought of my family who I hadn't seen for quite some time and I had that moment and what I did with it was look up to the skies and curse God you did this to me you took my mom you took me my family look what you turned me into and I will tell you I hated God I hated god and it was difficult for me to share that in Alcoholics Anonymous my first year how I felt about this god you're not such a nice person and I want no part of you look what your did to my life what did I do to you but see God has infinite mercy and infinite love did not say you know what six rehabs you cursed me and you burned every bridge I put in front of you now I'm going to lock doors on you what my loving God did is what we do with children when they hurt because if I think I'm bigger than a child in God's eyes I'm mistaken I'm one of his children like you are and that's how he sees me and what do we do with children when they're hurt we hold them we put them on our lap and we let them know it's going to be okay we comfort them and we teach them And that's what my God did for me. What a great deal. And he put me, really just put me in my seventh rehab. And that came by really divine intervention and working through my dad. I got thrown out of this apartment. I'm running around the streets and I'm praying to die, living in the back of a hallway, going to any lens, looking the part of a bum, and I wound up in a hallway. And I had again this moment. God again served me truth. once again, and this was the flimsy read that proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God because I'm here today this morning, recovered something happened way beyond me, way beyond what I could see way beyond my power but in this moment of clarity I didn't curse God anymore I begged from the bottom of my heart God if you're out there, please take this from me because I knew I was going to get drunk and die, the next drink was going to kill me. And I wasn't thinking about Alcoholics Anonymous. I wasnít thinking about the big book. I didnít even think about anything to do with this place. I just donít want to die like this in this hallway. And God put my dad back in my life because I was running through the streets one day. He hasnít managed to take pictures of me and go into the projects in downtown Brooklyn and pay off the winos and the junkies, say whereís my son? I know heís around here. This is what he would do for me. and the only person I can think of in this moment of clarity when I begged to God to get help was to think of I got to find my dad I remember going to the phone and trying to call him a few times collect and I would have these crying jags I couldn't even make the phone call my dad was gambling in Atlantic City and he got a feeling in his gut that I was in trouble and he came looking for me and we met in Brooklyn and he drove up in his car and he saw me and this time he didn't scream my name, but this I remember, he just called my name and he walked across the street and I had pants that were soiled and bloodstained and construction boots with holes in them and I hadn't taken a shower in I don't know how long and I said, Dad, I'm okay. Don't worry about it. And I remember collapsing in his arms and he had every right to knock me from one end of the avenue to the other and I remember this because my dad's not this type of guy but him holding on to me and he was patting me on the back and telling me that I was going to be okay and that he wasn't going to lose his son and thank the good Lord I went off to my 7th and God willing last rehab and I wound up in this rehab and after about 10 days the insidious insanity of the first drink was galloping back Bill talks about it in a Mayflower hotel separated from alcohol and things weren't going his way and the illness was gallopping back alcohol don't care how long I'm sober and after about 10 days I was thinking if I can get myself out of here maybe I can do it different and I got real scared P.S. they sent me out to Minnesota the God country where people out there were doing the deal they were doing the deal man and I would go to a meeting I was telling my friend Cook this place called The Three Legacies was this big and I was walking counting days and I wasn't and I'm so used to living in the back of hallways and I walk into this place and every speaker would get up to the podium with a big book and share their experience from it whatever they wanted, whatever they had I wanted God I wanted and I got a sponsor and after about 10 months I was brought home and I went to my home group the free spirit group and my first appointed teacher showed up in my life and we went to the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and I had an experience I had many of them transforming over the years my family's been reassembled because of the power that I found in AlcoholicsAnonymous my dad, I sat with my dad in my nine step approach and one of the things was he experienced this thing with my mom and had to relive it again with me how do I sit down with this man and make amends how do i do this father please give me words to sit with this men i want so desperately to make this right and he did and i started my amends and my dad stopped me he says all i ever wanted was my son back and he was happy our roots grass new soil my family's roots grass new soil because of what has been given to me in here and I hope to always give it back with the same love and gratitude. I went through this work and I had the experience to start working with people and about 18 months ago, I started to, what my current sponsor Mark tells me is, I started a flat line. I was meditating, I'm working, I'm doing inventory, I'm dealing with all this stuff and I can't get around the wall, I can' t get over the wall I can''t go under the wall nothing. A little re-emergence of ego. A lot of things were going on and I start to go through this work again and I got squeezed once again got the ego smashed once again and it's uncomfortable going through that archway we're building an archway where we're going to walk through a free man at last how free do you want to get there was a squeezing going on for me it wasn't comfortable looking at different manifestations of self I like to think I'm the best husband in the world I liketo think I am a good son to my and a good co-worker and a great friend and a friend and I saw where I was falling short and then the judge had a field day with it said see, you're a loser it was uncomfortable inventory is not supposed to be comfortable we're supposed to get a little squeeze going through, it's doing its job you get a sponge and you clean you know your counter, it gets a little dirty what do you do? You squeeze out and make room for more this whole thing of spiritual awakening is by subtraction, not addition many times you see new people I feel empty, I feel emptied they go out and they do stuff like I did we go out reach and get stuff need the relationship, I need the job, the car, etc it's not what we need, what we need is to completely empty out be rid of everything the carpenter said he referred to something about blessed are the poor in spirit for the kingdom of heaven is theirs I didn't know what that meant until I did some research on it it was about standing before my creator with no attachments, challenge every belief system I had, had them removed stand before my God with absolutely nothing, like I did in that hallway when I made a sincere plea to God. Stand before my creator with absolutely nothing and at that point, I experienced truth and I'm integrated with this power and I am free. That's how I find truth. I want to get to truth. I wantto get to the truth and we do all these things. We reach out there. We do all of these things and all we have to do is be rid of everything. We'll stand in truth. That's God and it's freeing and it' s bliss. It' s great. I've experienced that in here coming from a hallway. I don't deserve this. I don' t deserve to be here this morning. based on my track record. God had some other plans. The committee had some other plans too. I had an experience in meditation and I'll share this. I've had many. Big Book talks about in the spiritual appendix the spiritual experience, the spiritual awakening, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, the educational variety. But my experience has been this. When God shows up, God shows us and it's profound, it's mood altering you know it, you can experience it and the best thing to do is be silent about it because when it comes to talking about God, silence as you know makes more sense. We can't convey the experience but you know what's real and you could be in a grocery store, you could drive in your car, you could work with someone, you could meditate and boom! You know you've been rocketed, you could feel it. What a good deal. I've had some of those experiences in meditation and one of the great things is, you know, we pray to this God and there's a little part of me that says, does he really know me? What a great freedom when I found out that I was convinced that God knew me, Pete Marinelli. That I was truly one of his children because it came out of a meditation where he heard me begging to him. When I was a little kid, my mom had this episode, nervous breakdown, whatever it was. I was three years old in South Brooklyn and I stood about 20 feet from her and watched her collapse on the street and people around her and the ambulance came and the policemen and there was just this crowd and I was literally frozen in fear as a little three-year-old boy watching my mom collapse. And I remember her looking at me with this blank look. And we lived up above a luncheonette, and the gentleman came out and he covered my eyes, and the next time I saw my mom was at a hospital on one of those gurneys in hysterics. It was a bad scene, and my grandparents were around, and my father was in there. It was just awful for a little kid to see on top of it. I had many memories of her like that, but this one stood with me for years. There was a part of me that always says, Pete, you need to go down to that spot in South Brooklyn for some reason. I don't know what. You need to get there. You need go back there and revisit. What I would do is always listen to my mind. And my sponsor has shown me I am not my mind。 If you want to find God, lose your mind. Get out of your mind。 You'll hear newcomers say, I'm losing my mind, I'm using my mind like things are going crazy. No, no, no. You're too much in your mind,. If you lose your mine, you'll be fine. And I would listen to my mind that was attached. All belief systems don't go down. leave the past there, all belief systems belief system will kill you and they were doing that to me they were blocking me from getting free from being rocketed again I do this meditation I was with my friend Mickey last night, we did this prayer group in the back and something similar like that I started with and I'm doing this meditation I'm working with something, I'm a Catholic working with someone out of my religion a gift to me and I work into this meditation no expectations Just I go meditate and sit and be with my God. And what appeared to me was this statue, and I couldn't make out what type of statue it was, but it was kind of broken down and rusted and really couldn't see it. And I came out of a meditation, didn't think much of it. And I went back into meditation again the next day and the same thing happened, it was a little bit clearer. Again, I didn't put any pieces of the puzzle together. And the third day that statue became lifelike. And this saint stood there, very much lifelikable, with a baby in her arms, and she handed me the baby and it happened to be me. I wasn't sure what to do. But I remember this, telling my sponsor about this experience. He says, Mark, I don't know, maybe I'm losing my mind. Something's up. I'm delusional. But I smell flowers during this experience on me. Are they roses? I says, yeah, I guess. There's a definite bouquet when I can feel it. I didn't know there was a significance with this for me and it was very profound he says do not talk this experience away you need to connect the dots and so I sat in meditation and now I was convinced that I had to go back to that spot in Southbrook and I told Mark and he had come back to Texas and Joe Hawk was in town in Staten Island he says go talk to Joe Joe will know exactly what you're trying to do and I saw Joe on a Thursday he says we'll go Saturday he said we can't wait And I went back out of this meditation to revisit this spot. And as we drove up, Joe was telling me about some of his nine-step experiences and asked me, do you need to tell your mom anything? And after talking to him, I realized I did. And right before we got out of the car, he held my hands and he made a prayer. And he says, God is with you. Now you go take care of your business. He waited in the car and I got out Of the car and I'm walking around and there was an energy. I could feel it. If you've had an experience like this, you know what I'm talking about. It wasn't six inches to the left. It wasn' t six inches to the right but I stood exactly where I stood as a three-year-old boy. I could feel it and there I was and I remember I was looking at me really as a three- year-old kid and you know getting down on my knee and telling him that he didn' t do anything wrong that he' s going to be okay and I made a prayer to this little kid and I walked across about 20 feet away where my mom was having this episode and I remembered how punching this brown brick wall and the wall was still brown and I put my hand on that spot and I made a prayer to my God to please take care of my mom and I made a pray and I came back and I tried to put closure on this and I got as I was walking back into my car it was as if something stopped me, I can't explain this but there was something between me and getting into my call when they opened up the door I couldn't get in and I leaned in and I said Joe I can not get in the car I can't lead this kid. With that, Joe jumped out of the car. He says, let's do something about this. He says what? He says you better talk to God. He says thanks a lot. I appreciate the information, Joe. But he says maybe you need to take him with you. And I made a prayer to his father. What do I do? If you know Joe Hawke, he's very intuitive. He's looking around. He's look around and he sees something on the sidewalk. I have two kid brothers, John and Anthony. My brother Anthony was not born yet. My brother Johnny was about maybe a year old when this stuff was happening in downtown Brooklyn. And he walked around and he saw on the sidewalk, he says, why don't you take a look at that? I said, what is it? Why don't we take a Look at it? And what was written in the concrete was to Peter and Johnny with love and three little X's underneath etched out in the concrete. Anyone could have put it there, could have meant anything. but based on my experiences in Alcoholics Anonymous and your experiences I have to think that once again my God allowed my mom to talk to me once again my God showed his love to me, Pete Marinelli if you don't have these experiences I can promise you that they will happen in your way how God will talk to you it's way beyond not drinking it's always about not drinking but this is way beyond this is growing up spiritually something that's been given to me what a gift, what a gift. I feel so privileged and blessed to be a part of this sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous this is my life and I'm really okay with it. I've never had it so good with all the little dramas I experience. I hope to always be teachable and give this message away with the same love and gratitude that's been given to me with each and every day. I stand on the firing line as God allows me and pass this on because when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I walked in to a room filled with the grace of God and every one of you are the living grace of god and I thank you