Working With Others and Sponsorship – A Woman’s Perspective Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – Mary B.

I'm Mary Beth. I'm an alcoholic. And thank you, Jim. We've sat up here every week for all these weeks, and I'm grateful for that. And I also want to thank all the women that have come before me because I remember when I sat, if you know me, I don't like to schedule things. I am not good with scheduling. And so for me to get on the phone and call a million women to see if they can come on certain dates to do certain things, it's just not my gift. And the women made it so easy for me because every single woman said yes right away. It was amazing, and only one person had to back out. And someone that she sponsored ended up covering for her for two weeks, so it was really amazing. So I'm really grateful. As Dave said, we're surrounded by some really strong women here in recovery, and I get to watch it all unfold. And tonight I was just kind of wondering how many people. Isn't tonight the last night for friends on TV or something like that? I was thinking we'll probably have two people. And it brought me actually back to a story that why I do what I do. There was a girl who actually called me from overseas twice this week, and she has a little addiction going on, and she was calling for help. And she had called someone in the program a number of years ago, and she's just in Europe for a little while. But she had caught them and asked for help one night, and really was detoxing. And the person said to her on the phone, can you call me back? I'm watching Friends. Okay. Yo, I have never done that. Okay. This girl, many years later, is still out there. And so I tell that story because I thought Friends was the last night's ISF. I thought there would be nobody here, but yay for our group. But it brought me back to right when I was drinking and I was actually, the night I was ripping the phone out of the wall in a hotel room, and my sister went and talked to a priest and said, you know, can you do something? I don't know what to do, you know. My sister's supposed to be taking care of me and she's a mess. And that priest on a Saturday night at 6 o'clock met with me and took his time out to sit with me for a very, very long time, maybe an hour, maybe two hours. And I can say to you that when I was sitting there with him, there wasn't one single moment when I didn't think I was the most important person in that room. Now, in retrospect, looking back and having worked with others a lot at all times of day or night or weekends or whatever when sometimes emergencies come up, you know, that priest could have had his mother in town that night, you now, for the first time in a long time. Or his good friend, a priest, could have been, you kno, visiting from Ireland or something. But I never for a second thought that he had anything else on his plate, you kow? Or maybe he was ready to start drinking his wine, you gno? Who knows? But he taught me something about humility and about being present and being a channel for God, and I say the God of my understanding for any of you new people. And it was something that I didn't have before because when I was out there drinking, I would be there for you up until a certain point when I couldn't be there anymore. We just never knew when the cutoff was. And some of those cutoff times were times that would bring back really bad memories for me not treating people well. But today I don't do that. And anyway, to bring us to the 12th step, I'm covering the chapter working with others. And there is a paragraph in the 12 and 12, and it is a great motivation for me because I do know that if I go back out drinking, I will die somehow. And it says, unless each AA member follows to the best of his ability are suggested 12 steps to recovery, he almost certainly signs his own death warrant. And, you know, it's been so long since I've had a drink, sometimes it seems almost impossible that I could drink again. But I had a short period of time in the city late last year when I was away from my home group for a couple months. And I had another group kind of in New York, but I was in between. And looking back on it, I started to fantasize about the drink. And at the time, it didn't seem really serious because I was so caught up in a lot of other stuff. But looking back Onnit, I did start to fantasized the drink I was back in New York City where I used to live. I remember that's where my bottom took 10 years. So I do have a healthy respect for booze and what it can do for me, and I did find out that Bill Wilson was right when he said practical experience, and this is in the big book, page 89, practical experience shows us, shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our 12th suggestion. And then it says, carry this message to other alcoholists. You can help when no one else can. And I had a practical experience with that and I was in recovery quite a while and I had gotten some bad news and the news that was like probably one of the deepest things. It's still a big deal in my life, and something not so great happened, and I got some bad news, and what I did that night, and it was just from my consistency in Alcoholics Anonymous. I have always been consistent for all these years. I have also been consistent with alcoholics anonymous. I've always gone to meetings, and I've also been with others, and, um, and thank God for that, but I got this news, And I went to a meeting that night, and there was a newcomer there. And I was there early, and I went early because I had nowhere else to go. I just, you know, I just was in so much pain. And there was this girl there, and it was the two of us. And I looked at this girl, and she looked at me, and she wasn't happy to see me because she knew that I worked with others, and I knew that she hated AA. And she did. She hated AA, and so she had to come. And so I tried to help her. I tried To talk to her. And no matter what I said to her, she disagreed. And I just tried to carry the message a little bit. And what I was doing was trying to save my own life so I didn't die. And what happened is I never did see this girl again, but I stayed sober through something that was inconceivable. And I say to you, Bill Wilson just kept it very, very simple, And he said, I have to go find a drunk and maybe, maybe, just maybe, I won't drink tonight. So as far as working with others, the most important thing I have to say is I have remember where I came from and that when I came in here, although on the outside it looked like I had it together, and I can tell you I practiced that. You know, I made sure that, you know, I had the earrings on and this whole look going on and it was the same look actually I had in the bar, but it didn't work there. It didn't really work there, so I ended up in AA. But I had this outside going on, but the inside was I was broken into a million tiny little pieces and I couldn't put thoughts together. I certainly couldn't read. The 12 and 12 they would give me to read and I just couldn't focus to read for a really long time. And so in working with others, it says on page 89, the same page, it says that we have to remember they are very ill. Secure their confidence. We can secure their confidence when others fail and remember they are very sick. They are very well. And I guess the first place I come from is a place of love and compassion. And that's the way I am. It's not the way I used to be. But I would say that one of the greatest gifts I've gotten, that I'm really 99% of the time I can stay consistent with that. And if something happens and I get mad at one of my girls for something, I will usually call her back within 10 minutes to a half an hour, you know? And that's always been – I remember the first time I had to do it, it was really hard, but it got easier after that, and then I realized it was much better because I have more time. I'm the one who needs to come to the center because what if they don't trust me? What if they Don't Come Back? So anyway, I also try not to judge because, at least for me, I had two sponsors in the beginning because I needed both of them and when they weren't talking to me, they were talking to each other about me and I insisted on that and I made it happen and there was a lot of drama but I have to tell you those people never judged me. They never judged my life. And that's so amazing to me because I felt judged my whole life and so that's sort of the second thing that I've tried to carry to the newcomer because if they came in feeling the way I did they certainly didn't need to be beaten up any more than they were because alcohol had done a number on them already. And, you know, I guess I try to impart some kind of my experience with gaining dignity in recovery, you now. And I don't know what it was about me, but my first sponsor said, you know Mary Beth, I want you to go out and get some shoe polish, some thick shoe polish. She goes, get a different color shoe polish for all your shoes. And I was into wearing high-heeled pumps back then. You know, I mean, it was like it was all about the look. And so at any rate, I did go out and I understood what she was trying to say. She was trying us to try to take care of yourself. And it was funny because when I lived in New York and I was really, really way back in my addiction, I remember my old therapist, and she was like 85 years old and not kind of a fashion player or anything. And she went in for a wedding present and got me an iron. So I'm getting this message, okay, that some people in my life seem to care more about me than I care about myself. So I try to pass that along, and I very, very gently nudge the people that I'm working with early on to sort of start taking care of themselves a little better. and people who come in, and this is just, I guess what I want to say is that I listen to where they're coming from first, and I watch them. And there's kind of three stages of sponsoring that I do. One is taking them through the steps and get them involved in the fellowship and the service, and there's another stage which is the mentoring stage which is kind of a little bit what I'm talking about now, giving them some tools for self-respect in a way. And then the third stage is the peer sponsorship, which is the part where if I'm in trouble, I have the women that I've worked with to turn to to be there for me, and I've had that experience a number of times in recovery. At any rate, what I do is, first of all, I try to figure out whether or not this person is really an alcoholic. And that's kind of like one of the jobs that, you know, I have and is to help them see whether or Not they're an alcoholic and I've had That experience and I'Ve had people struggle with whether they're An alcoholic and i stay patient because it is it isn't my job To identify them as an alcoholic they need to come to that conclusion On their own but for me to work with them i have to understand That they're An alcoholic otherwise i just feel like i'm kind of spinning my wheels. So I also listen because this is my experience. I find out that other people, the people that I work with have other addictions too that have prevented them from being able to get some kind of a spiritual awakening from the steps like people who've had food addictions are still getting high from the food so that's come into it. So I listen carefully to who the people are. I'm not a therapist, I'm nichtrained but but I do have a, I think, kind of a sixth alcoholic sense that I've been given that's helped me. I try to find out who she is and what her condition is, how far down the scale she's gone. Is she having, you know, is she in the DTs? You know, there's four characteristics. Description, what? Stages. Stages, thank you. stages. The first stages of alcoholism is described in the chapter to wives, and I try to see where they fit in, and sometimes if there's parts of their drinking that I can't identify with because I didn't go down as far as they do, I always call my friend Kathy over there, you know? And she always calls me back, and she's not the only one, but it's amazing. I'm like, hey, I didn'T do this. I didn' t have the DTs. You didn' T have to get me here with a bottle and you know in the car to keep me from I didn't go through the hospital they did not pump my stomach I just went straight to the psych ward and didn't didn't go down that far but um so I check out what is her condition because that's important and the more knowledge that I have about somebody the better and something else that you know I don't know if men get into this but it's been it's my experience that it's I always look for some form of abuse, because whether it's psychological abuse or mental or physical or sexual abuse, it's important for me to know things like that if I'm going to be working with you, because I tread carefully. And this is really about the mentoring part. This isn't about the steps yet, but it's important for мне to know what it is that I'm dealing with. And if I'm going to talk to you about God, then I have to be very, very sensitive to who you are and where you've come from. And it's important for me not to talk TO you about my little god, the god of my understanding. It's important that I help you come to the god OF your understanding and stay open to that. And I'll give you an experience. There's someone I was working with, and I had in my head, and I don't know, I might have had 10 years in recovery at this point, but I'm still growing. I swear to God I'm Still Growing. And I didn't realize, but in the back of my head I had this huge prejudice against fortune tellers. And I know that there are psychics is a better word, I guess, because of my upbringing, because ofmy closed-mindedness, because I had never really thought about it. And as part of my spiritual journey, this person that I was working with, I started to notice that she was going to want a lot. And I'm thinking, well, that doesn't seem quite right because if we're going to live in the day and search for the will or higher power's will or God's will, we shouldn't be going to a psychic to figure out what the future is. So I'm having this little conflict in my head and I realized that I Was Being Close-Minded. And so what I did was I went with her And I paid this woman who knows what, and it was amazing. The experience for me was absolutely horrible. This woman, she shouldn't be allowed to practice. But my friend had a good experience with her, but for me it was really bad. And it was actually frightening. But what happened was after going through the spiritual lesson for me of trying to be open, I became more open minded about it and it's helping me to sponsor people more because I have sponsored people whose higher power is you know the leaves on the trees and nature and it is not something that I personally can identify with but if I am working with a little drug who could end up dying of alcoholism I better be open to just about anything and if you knew me in the old days I was like a big cynic so So who is she and what is her condition? I listen to her, and I also share with her my experience and to show her that we try to help her to identify with me as far as the strange kind of mental twist that my mind takes and that my life has taken. And there are people in this room tonight who I kind of knew from my past a little bit. and it's amazing because when I was out there drinking I wasn't going to tell them my secrets because I had an image to keep up but when they came into the rooms it was like we were sisters and I was like, you know I didn't care if she heard any part of my story and that's amazing so I hope that what I do is I bring to the women the ability to be open and to not have a lot of shame so that when it comes their time to working with others, that they'll be able to have a generous spirit. I want to get to one of the three stages, which is the steps and the fellowship and the service work. Because I've been talking about the mentorship a lot, and that's funny because I wasn't really going to get to that first. One of the ways that I found it, and someone gave this to me and I'm passing it along, that is the easiest way for me to be able to help you to identify the fatal nature of your disease is to have you sit down with the bedevilments on page 52 and go through the questions there and try to explain to the early alcoholic that the problem is in their mind, and to show them that they drank as a result of that. And, you know, that was kind of a hard concept for me because I came in thinking I was insane and that I wasn't alcoholic. And then when I found out that the program was in the mind, it was such a relief because then I could turn to step two and maybe there was a power greater than me that could restore me to sanity. and so I have the people sit down and go through the bedevilment exercise which is such a great exercise and it was covered here I'm sure but for any of you who aren't familiar with it some of the questions are we were having trouble with our personal relationships well that was me I had problems at work I had problem with my ex-husband I had problemas with my in-laws I had troubles with my friends I was, you know, a chameleon. I was many different people. I couldn't control my emotional nature. I kicked over motorcycles and things like that. I kicked it over at my psychiatrist's table. I was the only one who's ever done that. We were afraid of misery and depression. And when I wasn't being angry, you know, I really was miserable and depressed or else when I was high, you know, sometimes I'd be really happy. We couldn't make a living while I had lost my job so I have that experience to share with newcomers. I'd lost my ability to work in my field altogether. We had a feeling of uselessness. Well, it is the opposite of what I experience today because, you know, I would set out to do good things for people or to become your friend and it just would always blow up in my face and people would say I would sabotage it. But really it was, I just couldn't go any further. You know, I would want to go further but there were so many lies going on in my head and so much manipulation. So at any rate, reading these, having the newcomer go through these sentences and identify for themselves that the problem really was in their mind and that Booz fixed it, because it says here, was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was. But at any rate, they go on with it. You know, there's a couple more sentences there. But I think it's one of the most powerful exercises because I see people's faces and they say, wow, no wonder I drank, you know, and I drank to calm down the terror. And for me it was the good morning dreads. And so that, I think, rather than have people write a life story, which I usually just sit there and listen to their life story because that's what we do when we meet them, I find out who they are. Writing this exercise out is really, it cuts through a lot. It saves a lot of time, I think. And I take them through the second step and I show them that we can be restored to sanity. And there's something that happens here. For me, when I got sober, I really thought I had a God and this and that. And truthfully, the God that I had, I didn't understand and didn't feel particularly close to. So today with the women, I sit down and I say, you know, who is your God? And they'll say, well, I Think it's This and I Think It's That. And I said, well, why don't you define what you'd like your God to be and let's see if you can start to reach for that person. And I've had this experience twice where they just kind of sat there with a blank piece of paper and I had them do this with me while I'm there. And they struggled. And why wouldn't they? And so I said well, Why don't think of this? What would you like in a sponsor? What kind of qualities would you want in a sponsorship? And they'd say, well, you know, kind or focused or loving or helpful or whatever. And I'd say well wouldn't you want your higher power to have those qualities? So then they start to get really, this is true, I really do do this. They get all excited and they start writing and they take it home and they finish it. And that works. And they come back and they read it to me the next time. And then we take the third step together. And, you now, some people do all of this in an hour. I've done it that way. Some people do all of this over a period of weeks. Some people doing it over a periode of days. Whatever it is, I go by what my gut says to me with that person because every single person that I work with is different. And I'll tell you why I think that. When we get to the fourth step, some people come – and this is amazing to me. I'll never forget the first time it happened because I'm like – I'm an artist, so I'm pretty loose. And so you'll get my four-step sheets, and they'll be, you know, to just sort of be this pile. And it's not such a neat pile, and it's Not That Organized, but it's real and it'S true, and I've worked really hard on it. And I'll never forget the first time I got someone in front of me who showed up with a notebook with highlighters and tabs and cross-references. And I was like, wow, they really did that. And it'S amazing. Like, I want to be them. that's what I want to be and I think it's easier that way because I was the cliff note person in high school doing it on the bus that was me so I think that the next four step I do I'm going to take some instructions for some friends of mine and get out a notebook and do it that way because it's very cool but at any rate I do watch the people and how they do their four step and how THEY handle that and it tells me a lot about who they are why do they have to be so strict or why are they so messy or, you know, it gives me the ability in the mentoring part of my sponsorship to help them to overcome some things that maybe need to be overcome. Like maybe I need to do more neat or maybe they need to get more loose or maybe nothing needs to happen. But at any rate, it's all about getting free. And so I take them through their fourth step, obviously, and their fifth step. But I do it one-on-one. I don't do group fifth steps, and I will probably never do them, and only because some bad things have happened in group fifths steps that ended up personally affecting me and causing some real serious harms. So I did try to be open to that last December. I even said it over a microphone speaking at another commitment that I was more open to it, and then some more damage was done with somebody else I knew. So you will never see me do group fist steps because it is just too easy to have some of the things shared that need to be sacred. So that's just kind of where I stand, and I'm not going to be negative about it, but I was personally affected, and it was very upsetting and traumatizing. And I want to go on to the sixth step, which is making a list of the people that we harmed. And someone did this with me, and so it becomes my own personal list. And I do it in black and white because I really can't remember a whole lot of things. For some reason, I think I just mixed too many concoctions of things, And I don't have such a great memory. And so I wrote down on my sixth step the attitudes and behaviors that were preventing me from being close to God and being able to work with others and be there for others. And it's my list. It came off my fourth step very clearly. And it gave me something in my ‑‑ I became entirely ready in my sixth steps to have God remove them. and I humbly asked him to remove them in my seventh step, but I asked the women to keep the list because I know for me some of those things I really didn't address right away or God didn't take right away and they did come back to me and I realized that sometimes whenever I'm stuck I need to go back to that list and what did I fall short on and it's kind of always there in red. And, you know, the eighth step has been covered here incredibly well by Allison in the ninth step. And I love what she shared about it and I agree with it. And it's an amazing experience. The one thing I want to add is that when it's time for someone to make a ninth step amends, it's very important I try to share this and it's very important that if they go in and make an amends to somebody they really need to wait until in their heart they really do forgive them and they really do have come to peace with it and I'll share an experience with someone I knew that she had to make it wasn't anyone I sponsored but she had to make an amends to her abuser and it was a sex abuse thing and she said how can I do this you know it was a family member and um you know i can't do this and she prayed for the willingness to be willing to make the amends and to forgive him or maybe it was her forgive her who knows but um she prayed and i think it was for like about a year and eventually she got to the point where she forgave him and it was great because she didn't have to go make an amend because what that happened to her was really not so great. So there's an experience, and as far as 10, 11, and 12, I think that getting the people started on the 10-step work has been very, very helpful for newcomers to be able to have some kind of a checkpoint during their day. Like if they feel really afraid that they could stop and write it down, and then maybe call somebody or ask God to help with it, or if they've done something like blurt out something nasty to a family member or a friend um they can always write it down or call me and say i've done this and um you know we try to help undo it so that it doesn't get to the point where five days later they're haunted by guilt etc which could lead to a drink so um it's amazing to me to see newcomers start to pray amazing it's just amazing um to start to prey to whatever higher power they have um where they start to like call me and say you know why i need to pray but i feel blocked and i'm like you're five days sober you know and um but at any rate they they i do i encourage that and the meditation comes later the concentration, but at any rate, as far as the newcomer helping others, I always encourage them to stand by the door and welcome a newcomer if they're coming in. And I think what that does for them more than anything is give them self-esteem. And if they are helping a newcomor, there's a good chance that they're not going to feel like the lowest drunk on the bus you know what I mean and the if they're reaching their hand out to the newcomer or picking up ashtrays we don't do that anymore but doing some kind of a little service commitment of coffee commitment so as far as the the that's the steps but as far the fellowship is concerned I highly encourage them to come on our retreats that we have or go to meet to feel a part of it the fellowship go to coffee after meetings and start to create a kind of a fellowship that's gonna make them want to go back to the next meeting because I know for me I've switched home groups just twice in all these years and the reason that I come to these meetings I'll be honest with you is to see you guys I mean I've heard all this before you know I've hurt it a million times I've read the steps talked about and read that I've heard speakers I've ever heard at all and you guys keep me coming here you know like they do Beth is gonna be here probably any cat who's gonna be here etc it's like the fellowship will keep me in a place where where if I start to get squirrely and if I start to fall short which I have that I was set out to do the steps again myself. And I think I'm pretty honest with the women that I work with about where I fall short, and I'm honest with them about that because they need to not have me up on a pedestal because I know that I used to have my sponsors up on a pedestale, and if they fell down a little bit, I'd be like, whoa! You know? And I think that's just human nature. And um, I try to show them that I'm just another drunk trying to stay um sober myself and uh i will tell you that um i do sponsor for may you know because working with you helps me and um god knows i hope i make a difference in your life um you know one way or the other but um anyway that is the um that is really going the steps in the fellowship um I have seen some amazing things especially with men like there's a lot of women you know how we are we were all sort of women sort of band together you know and share things it's kind of the way we are but I've seen the most amazing things happen to men in recovery which is you know men who you know are sort of taught to don't share don't become a part of a group and this and that and um and men sharing really really private stuff and I've see men running together and doing charity work together. And I see, it's just, I think that we've got something incredibly special here. Anyway, as far as, I wanted to read you something here, and it's in italics. And if it's an italics here, Bill meant it to be that way. And it says, tell him exactly what happened to you. Stretch the spiritual feature freely. if he does not if the man be agnostic or atheist make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God he can choose any conception he likes provided it makes sense to him and this is still in italics this part, the main thing is that he be willing to believe in a power greater than himself and he live by spiritual principles one of the people I sponsored said that she said that in the beginning her God was hope. And hope was what we shared at Alcoholics Anonymous, the kind of unspoken love that we feel when we walk into these rooms. And I have to be very careful with the God thing because people need to feel safe because they were dying when they came in here and they need to be able to come to their conclusion about what their God is, who it is, whether it's Catholic or Buddhist or the trees or whatever. And I want to stress that. I'm also very, very careful not to let them know early on, and later on I guess I'm a little freer with it, but where I am politically and where I stand as far as all these issues that are out there in the universe, the pro-life and pro-choice and all of that stuff. I'm very careful not to put my views on them. I had a girl leave my church and go join another church, and it was the second person I had ever sponsored in early recovery. And I remember feeling very affronted. I'm like, how could she do that? You know, we used to talk about the same God and this and that and the same prayers, and now she doesn't even believe the stuff about my religion. And I'm like, and I just like, I learned a lot from that. That's her right. So when dealing with people who have different things, we have to use everyday language and it is better to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms, conceptions about which he may already be confused. I have a family member who still has not been able to identify with the God that I grew up with and it was the same God and that's okay, he can do whatever he wants now here's something never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop there's a lot of enthusiasm that goes on in Alcoholics Anonymous especially in this group started many years ago and I've seen so many people get so incredibly enthusiastic about carrying the message that every once in a while, I'll see them just go a little one way or a little the other way and I'm probably even done it too and if I'm on tape doing it, I apologize to you. We get enthusiastic and we become like over zealous. Maybe that's it. And but what the amazing thing is, is that 99 times out of 100, I've seen these people pull back and take their own inventory and be able to still carry the same enthusiastic message, but not be so hard driving about it or whatever. And I see the program of recovery working so incredibly well, especially in this group. It's amazing to me. And and I have two home groups and I love them both. um anyway never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop um i don't know what's good for you but i know what i did and i know that you know if you can use something of what i have and if god speaks through me so be it um simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection um i love that for his inspection now it really says you know if we do these things, if we take these steps, you know, we'll be recovered alcoholics. And here it says spiritual tools for his inspection. So that means to me that he can expect them and if he sees that I'm using them, maybe that poor little drunk will see that there's hope for him too. Show him how they worked with you. Offer him friendship and fellowship. That means to be his friend and be one among many. Tell him that if he wants to get well, you will do anything to help. And that is true. I try to do that. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. I had two family members get into – is it two? I can't remember if it was both or one of them. It was specifically one of those said when I went out to make an amend to them and I asked them if they wanted to go to an Al-Anon meeting, and they actually said yes, if you can imagine. And that was certainly an act of God. And later on I said, you know, why did you do that? And they said, You had something. Now, they know my life. I mean, you guys know me. You know my wife. Some days it's good, some days it' bad, some days I have money, some day I don't, some days, you now, whatever. I mean I try to be pretty consistent, but I have a very human life. But they saw that there was something that I have, And I do have it, and I have had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. So if they're out searching for their God, it must come from within them that they see that I've found mine. And we have no monopoly on God. We merely have an approach that worked with us. We can't keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. I've tried that. It doesn't work. It's silly. we need to be a good Samaritan every day counseling frantic wives and relatives innumerable trips to police courts I've done that I've gone to court with battered women I've gone to court with people going to get a divorce I've spoken in jails I always encourage that, that's very good experience I've walked into hospitals and worked with people in the emergency room, and that was very cool. I highly recommend that. Here it says, The only condition is that he trust God and clean house. Burn into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only conditions is that he trust in God and cleaned house. And again, that's the God of his understanding. And clean house means go through the steps, make your amends so you can get free, pray, meditate, work with others so you can be free and you will get free. Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. Well, I didn't get everything I wanted in AA. So I do not promise you – in the beginning, I'm careful about this because I really needed to believe certain things were going to happen to me. I really, really needed it and luckily it was years later that I found out that I wasn't going to get everything I wanted. But I don't promise you that you're going to not lose your baby or that you are going to have a house or you are not going to lose a child or a spouse or get married or something. I don't promise you those things, but I promise you that when you start to listen to the God of your understanding, after you've cleaned house and you feel a clearer channel, you're going to find the peace and happiness inside and be able to hear the voice of your God. there are some people who come in and it's very difficult for them and this was really hard for me because i didn't have any friends when i came in i had nothing left and this is something that wasn't my experience so um when people come in they have old people places and things and the Old people are like seven sets of couples who they've partied with for years, and they can't imagine not partying with them. I'd say with one person it took me two years to get them away from these friends. But it was – I can't say get them way. I can say that encourage them that maybe that this wasn't working through many of our conversations. And little by little they came to believe that hanging around with people who were high on drugs and drunk all the time is not necessarily something that makes them happy anymore. And they did have to come to their own conclusions through difficult times. Some people have probably slipped. I can't pry people away from their friends, I swear to you. I tried a little bit on different occasions and it just doesn't work. It has to come from them. I went into a liquor store once to get cigarettes in early recovery because, well, of course, I spoke. You know, and it was there. I was on my way to a meeting with my sponsor. I said, oh, could you stop at the liquor store? I need to get some cigarettes and she let me go in and come back out and she goes can you never do that again but I was a little mocus you know I'm a little mocus newly recovering and it didn't occur to me that that was a silly thing so I recommend to people you know try not to go into bars you know unless you have a really important reason for being there and you know we're not later on we're no longer not so afraid of anything or anybody But, you know, in the beginning, yes, we need to pay attention. Also there was something else that I had – again, I had my sponsor over. I was with my sponsor all the time in early recovery because I just couldn't be alone. And it was Thanksgiving dinner and I uncorked the wine because my brother-in-law is French and I am hosting Thanksgiving. Thank you very much. And I'm going to pour him some wine because, you see, I'm a sober woman and I put on a nice dinner party. Well, my sponsor said to me, once again, don't ever do that again. And the insanity is I didn't even think of that because I loved wine. What was going to stop me from smelling the wine, wanting to have a little sip of it, you know, or a bottle of it before dinner? and so that was something else that I wanted to sort of pass along because I need to really be there with the girls just to kind of pass those tidbits along and it kept me sober one other thing happened with her and I'll share this with you is that I stood up at a meeting and this just goes to show you a year later I didn't have a clue I didn' t stand up I shared at a meet that people were talking about marijuana. And I'm like, raised my hand, and I'm like, well, you know, I think I have some marijuana at home in my drawer. And I didn't see anything wrong with that. So my sponsor said that she would come over the next day. She should have come over that night. And I said to her, you know, it's no big deal. I really don't know where it is. And so she came over, and she goes, OK, let's get it. And I was thinking, boy, this is really dramatic and dumb. So what do I do? I reach right in my drawer. I know exactly where it is. I pull it out. I go to hand it to her, and I burst into tears. You know? I was like losing my stuff. And again, you know, this is we do the best we can with newcomers, and that's kind of a little philosophy of mine. Anyway, to sort of just wrap it up, It says, a spirit of intolerance might repel alcohol. Oh no, I want to read this whole paragraph. We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Because remember, it was their best friend. Experience shows that such an attitude is really not helpful to anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witch burners. Which means I have to be more open, more open. More open, and more tolerant. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved had it not been for such stupidity. So for me to be intolerant, they say, is essentially stupid, you know? And it is not because it's a moral or immoral thing. It just means that if I walked the path that they walked, then I should know that they could die. After all, our problems were of our own making. bottles, or we should, here it says that we should someday we hope the Alcoholics Anonymous will help the public to a better realization of the gravity of the alcohol problem but we will be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness or hostility. Drinkers will not stand for it. Funny thing. After all our problems were of our own making, bottles were only a symbol besides we have stopped fighting anything anybody or anything we have to and And I learned in recovery that I do have to stop fighting anything or anybody, including I have to get rid of old ideas. And I think the hardest thing for me to do is tell the truth to women I sponsor, even though I have to do it all the time, and it's to say, and I try to keep it in the eye so as not to offend them, but I do have to tell them the truth and say you are being judgmental and you can't be like that and you need to be nice to your husband and you need to do this and you needs to do that because I am the one person who is sort of given permission to tell him the truth it's just how I present it that's the important thing anyway I hope I've brought you a typical experience in working with others And that's my personal experience. And some people are better at it than me, and some people are maybe not as effective. But I believe that God puts the people in my life who he thinks are going to help me to stay sober today. And I am amazed more than you that I have 16 years. Because alcohol for me was, you know, So it was the thing that I thought made me happy, and then I ended up finding a power greater than myself, and that was the saying. My God is the thing that's filled that booze. Instead of booze, I have my God, and that's the truth. Thank you.