Working Out in the AA Gym — Peter

My separation from alcohol was June 23rd, 1988, and because of this big book and a loving God and this sacred fellowship, I can tell you I'm a recovered alcoholic. It's the first promise in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, and that doesn't mean cured. That doesn't means I'm different from anyone in this room. I'm bespoke in a very large wheel, but our big book promises about getting recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. and that place called recovered is not having to suffer the symptoms of the illness day in and day out don't have to live all over page 52 uh wake up at six o'clock and by nine o'lock i'm i'm in fear again and by 12 o' clock i'm restless here i'm discontented and by noon i'm depressed and the next day i'm happy and i ride this roller coaster and that's just too much bondage so on June 23rd, 1988, God began this journey for me. And where I am now is, for the most part, God closing the ears to the mind and opening up a day at a time the ears to the heart, to be able to pack into the stream, to have a relationship with God, to commune with God and not just communicate with God. I have a sponsor who has a sponsor. My lineage goes right back to one of our co-founders. And my job is to take this and pass it on for fun and for free. And that's really my purpose, is carrying this message to others and still being teachable when a sponsor sits with me. Self-centered, self-seeking, how I walked in the door, and that guy can show up at any given moment if I'm not careful because I'm not cured. So what I get here is a daily reprieve that's really hooked into, hinges on my spiritual condition, how spiritually fit I am. if I was looking to get into shape I'd probably join a health club and if I got to the health club really early in the morning before everyone got there and stayed late after everyone left and I got to meet people at the door as they were coming in and I Got to put out the towels and the soft drinks and cleaned up when everyone left and after 90 days everyone knows me and I know them. I know how all the machines operate. I can tell you how to work out but in 90 days I didn't do anything. On day 91 I'm in worse shape than I was on day one and if you came in with me and did something for 90 days and you look great I start to hate you and I start to say the gym doesn't work and I don't like you anymore and so what I need to do in Alcoholics Anonymous is work out in the AA gym that I have found out the hard way during my first six months in AA of just going to meetings, and this is just my experience, going to readings and making coffee and having coffee and greeting and all those things, nice things. But I did nothing as far as spiritual growth goes. And after six months, the illness was on me again. And I was suffering all sorts of sprees because what alcoholism will do is go underground and resurface in other areas like the sex spree, the food spree. the money spree. And although I claim God with my lips, I really don't have a relationship with God. It's all about self-reliance. As my sponsor says, the firm ground I stand on, anything outside of God is not firm ground, but I think it is. And instead of killing off the ego, I'm feeding the ego. Instead of feeding the spirit, I am not feeding the Spirit. And I start to die. And I start look elsewhere to feel better. I start looking at external things to remedy this internal condition, and it just doesn't work. It's short-lived, like the new relationship, you know, the utopia moment, you meet her, she meets you, I love you, you love me, I Love You More, and I Love You More. And after six months, you call your sponsor, how do I get rid of her? I can't take it anymore. And she's doing the same thing, by the way. Well, you get the job, and now I'm working, I'm in AA, I got a job, I'm making money, this is great, I'll treat when we go to the diner, and the money's coming in, and i have a job to go to, andI can buy stuff, and after about six months, that gets dry. It's just a job and I get used to the money and I'm flatlining again and then sitting on my couch all alone when everything's good the bills are paid, the health is good, the house is good the kids is good the wife is good everything's good my mind says yeah but and then it starts and I start to think and that's all generated by this four-letter word called the mind and it seems to be the less I'm attached to my mind, the greater day I have and when I'm detached to my mind, I don't have such a good day and yet the mind fights to get control of me as an alcoholic, what I'm seeking even when I'm using, what i'm seeking is control all the time because somehow if I can control things I believe God exists and loves me even in the most sacred moment of my day when I am praying I'm still seeking control because I'm praying for desired outcome. So even that most sacred moment when I'm talking to the power, I'm inwardly telling him how things should be. I need this. I need her. I want that. Now will it? And if it doesn't work out, well God doesn't love me and God doesn'T exist. If it works out, God loves me and God exists. That's bondage. I'm seeking control all the time. All the time! And that's that self. Big Book says self manifested in various ways was what had defeated me. more like what is about to kill me and yet what i do as an alcoholic is feed self all day long because god's ground god's world is this world of the spirit contradicts everything i'm used to what i'm use to common man worldly men make money have the career have the car all things that are concrete that i can base my manhood out of and God said we don't need that we really don't need that but I need you to do something else big book says the result was nil until we let go absolutely and I get to the third step my sponsor says I let go absolutely I'm a total liar in fact if we really think about it we do the mirror test we go look in the mirror the person looking back will say you didn't let go absolutely who are you kidding based on my performance based on my actions. So I take a look at, you know, my spiritual beliefs are one thing. My actions sometimes are different. It's one thing to claim spirituality and another to live it. So there's always work to do. There's always chopping wood and carrying water here to do this work. It's a constant working. Plowing the field so God could do the growing. Thank the good Lord. There's no arrival. There's not like, okay, I'm here now. Now I'm gold. Now I am Moses. Although along the journey, my first six months, I thought I was Moses. In fact, I was waiting for Jesus to call me for some advice a few times. But there is no destination. In fact we find the aha moments, the awakenings in that journey. And sometimes in the deepest struggles when I feel most weak, most vulnerable do I find the most God? It's when I feel I got it together, I'm good, I'm arrived, I'm leading this workshop, I'm somebody is when I'm really at my weakest and most vulnerable. June 23rd, 1988 my separation from alcohol I've shared this from a million podiums even currently almost 31 years later I still can't see God coming. Because sometimes God will come to me in a drunk with one day back who reeks, who's inappropriate. Sometimes God will comes to you in the meeting I go to that I never go to, and I go, and I really don't want to go, and I see the speaker up there, I say, I don't like this speaker, and somewhere in there, God answers a prayer. And sometimes I'm just doing things around the house when it's really quiet, like I was up at 4.30 this morning, sometimes in that quiet time you get it. But I can't see it coming the same way I can see the drink coming. So on June 23rd, 1988 I had been through six treatment centers at this point. I had tried Alcoholics Anonymous. I tried it drunk. And I remember one time at my first home group standing in the back of the room and I had the audacity to raise my hand after a speaker just poured out their heart and critiqued them with very inappropriate language with women in the room. And the only thing AAs told me was, keep coming back. Some of them gave me their phone number. Isn't it funny? Only an AA. I can tell you the most inappropriate, disgusting, horrible, terrible things I did, and you say, here's my number. Give me a call. Most folks call 911. I knew AA didn't work. I knew my church didn't work. I'm a Catholic. I tried going there, talking to a priest, doing confession, going drunk, go out and get drunker. Tried AA, that worked. Six treatment centers, the treatment doesn't work and I really believe at this point, God had me in his cross as I am one of those folks who are just going to linger forever and then die. And the thought of lingering in this kind of life, I'd rather just die. And for about six months thereabout, I was homeless. I was living in a low-end Manhattan in an abandoned building. And I would panhandle the streets and do a lot of ugly things to get money for a drink. And at this point, I Was going into like instant withdrawal, Some of you guys could probably identify, if you don't get a drink and you're in withdrawal. It's not like a day later, oh my God, I need a drink. It was instant withdrawal. And at this point, I was constantly sweating, constantly shaking, upset belly, cold all the time. And on June 23rd, 19th, I didn't plan on stopping. I tried stopping many times to get drunk a minute later. And I will tell you this. you know, my first few years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I would say how I surrendered on June 23rd, 1988. Threw my hands up in the air. And I hear lots of folks doing that. If that works for you, great. I'm not here to change that. But I would say how I surrendered On June 23nd, 1988, when I've come to find out that's not so true. What I've learned in AA is the truth is the Truth until a new Truth shows up. Christopher Columbus, in his days, they thought the Earth was flat. and so they only went so far. So commerce was very limited. Don't go too far, you'll fall off. He found out it's round and new truth came about. So I can go to Alcoholics Anonymous believing that this is the truth and hold on to that and even though I'm in bondage I'm afraid to take another step until I get a sponsor who pushes me and then we find freedom so I'm glad I thought of that. This is great. So on June 23rd, 1988 Here I am wanting to die for the longest time. And I came to in the back of this abandoned building. It was filthy. It reeked. I reekged worse. And when I came too, I realized like I reeks. And I look at my clothes and I had these filthy bloodstained pants on and this turtleneck and a zip-up jacket. I was cold and sweating. my construction boots I was wearing and my right boot had no front it was all ripped off and the sweat socks were black my fingernails were filthy I was a bum I'm dying of alcoholism if I lived to be 100 I'll never be as old as the day I walked into this place called Alcoholics Anonymous and I need a drink but if I get a drink in me I'm going to die and suddenly I did not want to die I didn't welcome that idea anymore but if I don't get a drink in me I'm going to die and I was at the jumping off place what do I do? Drink and die, don't drink and die I have no money I don' t have the energy to get up off the floor and go hustle money the endurance was gone just did not feel godly so although I said I surrendered for years what I found out by being around here a little while and hopefully growing in understanding and effectiveness this, is that I was surrendered. I didn't have it in me to reach out in me to say I surrender. That was gone. I'm an alcoholic. I will drink literally till I die and God interrupted my death. When we say what we were like, what happened and what we are like now. Shortly put, what I was like, I couldn't stop drinking. What happened? A power greater than myself intervened and what I'm like now, I have a relation with that power that continues to intervene. I did nothing for my recovery that's not lip service or being falsely humble I still do nothing for my recovery, I will do everything to ruin my life I was surrendered, I was given endurance to work one more day, hang in there one more days, I wasn't I was giving wholeness of mind on June 23rd 1988, Iwas given my first contact with God if you will and that was called the G-O-D, the gift of desperation. God gave me that desperation. God had me run to the end of the road. God got me surrendered, yes? I'm an alcoholic. This is bad. I shouldn't do this. I gotta quit. I gotta quite, but I'll have a drink to figure out how to quit. Just one more drink. Just a taste. Just a bump. Just something. Then I'm gonna go to rehab. It never happens. So God, if you will, interrupted my death literally. And I collapsed on the floor my lord i remember this like it happened you know like last week as i'm telling you is i can almost feel the hallway um those old kind of tile floors you've seen apartment buildings that they're filthy and there's garbage all over and i collapsed to the floor and i began to weep uncontrollably out of nowhere i hadn't wept in i don't know how long And I'm weeping, and it's just purging. And you live life forward and understand it backwards. What I've learned here is that was just years of alcoholism and addiction because I have a bunch of years in my story of being addicted to non-conference approved dry goods, and I had marks all over my body from that stuff. Years of betrayal. Years of when I was younger, sexual abuse. Years of pain and misery of my mom committing suicide. all of this stuff that I kept pouring booze on and pills on top of that. So when God said enough, it all came out and it was about reducing me down to nothing because in the nothingness of me, I find everything of God, huh? See a day shy, June 22nd, 1980, I'm getting drunk, I'm not listening and perhaps June 24th, I am dead but on June 23rd, God kind of parted the seas and I collapsed to the floor, I began to weep And this is what happened. I remember looking up at the ceiling and saying, if you're out there, please take me from this. I don't want to die. That was new territory for me. I didn't know about rehab. I wasn't thinking about that. Going to AA, going to church, none of that stuff. I just knew at that moment, I don'T want to DIE. I was given this gift of desperation, a soulful thing. that wasn't a thought up here it felt like a thought but it wasn't in fact this whole journey in aa my experience has shown me this this is not self-help it's not positive affirmation that works for you great it's that about thinking to drink through playing the tape to the end keeping a green room where i come from it's Not memorization of this big book but it's a soulful journey and I need to get soul food while I'm in here. And the best chef for that is God, who works through people. Sometimes he just shows up in your life and says, we need to talk. That's why I'm an early riser in the morning. But sometimes, do you ever wake up, maybe it's 3.30 in the morning, 4 o'clock in the afternoon, the default button is roll over and try to get back to bed because I've got a whole day of work. But you're up. Why to wake up? what's going on something must be wrong I'm wide awake it's 4am nothing's wrong there's a quote I can't remember who said it but something like the morning breeze has things to tell you another way of putting it is God's got to talk to you that's why you're up and awake so pray, meditate do some laundry straighten out the house make some coffee read, do stuff and somewhere in, I don't have to be oming, somewhere in there oh yeah of course an inspiration because I'm living in spirit and now inspired but once the day gets going I'm at work, I'm not work probably focused in on work, not listening to the miracles God's feeding constantly yes please take me from this, I don't want to die, is what I said to God on June 23rd, 1988. What happened to me almost immediately after I said that was this. It would be like there was no one in this hallway. It was just me and a couple of rats squirreling around somewhere. It would be as if someone leaned over into this ear and whispered something to me. And it went like this, enough I have other work for you to do. It would be like if Warren came over and just whispered in my ear. You whisper in my year, we're going to have a problem by the way. And it went like this enough. I have other work for you To do. I was petrified. This did not feel Godly. This does not feel Golly at all. I said, Oh my God. When I was in treatment, they would tell me about hearing voices and seeing things, long-term alcoholism. Then comes wet brain and then his point of no return. And I heard as if someone leaned over and whispered in my ear, enough, I have other work for you to do. It's a true story. I said, oh my God, I'm completely out of my mind. I have lost my mind and I was petrified. What I've come to find out in Alcoholics Anonymous that I really did lose my mind because it is only when I am out of my mind can I hear that kind of voice. It's when I'm in my mind, I'm listening to me thinking it's God. I'm listened to the seven deadly sins. I'm not listening to God. I think it's good. It's God, it's when we're out of our mind, we're doing great. In fact, if we all lost our mind and left it here when this thing's over tonight and went home without our mind we'd have a fabulous night. But if we played the day back from whatever time you woke up till right now at 7.35, whatever time you woke up till right now, how did your mind treat you today? A lot of stuff. Looks like 95 going south on a Friday night. A lot o' stuff goin' on. Right? 18 conversations at once. If you speak to a drunk at around 7 a.m., and they woke up at 6.30, how you doin'? I'm exhausted, but you just woke... Hi. Do you ever wake up, as soon as you open your eyes, you wake up in the middle of an argument right middle of something and that follows you all day long then we have delusions of grandeur then we haven't lower than a curb then we're somewhere in the middle and we get all these these things going on all these committees and we argue we wrestle we fight we fall in love we get divorced we fall on love we go make a million losing men all day long. I was completely out of my mind, and I hope I always stay out of my mind. I don't, but I wish I could. Wish I can completely lose my mind when people say I'm going to go down to that store and give them a piece of my mine. I tell them given the whole mine you'll be better off. I got up off the floor and I was heading out onto the street because I was going to call my dad. I was gonna call him collect from the pay phones because the only guy who was gonna come get me would be my dad in this condition, you know? And I hadn't spoken to him in quite a while. What I didn't know was my dad was in an area called Atlantic City with his wife and spending some time down there gambling and eating and seeing shows and stuff. And we hadn't been in contact for a while, and what my dad had shared with me at my first AA birthday, and as recent as a month or two ago, was he had what he described was a feeling in his gut. That's how he described it to me, that that particular day I was in trouble, and he told his wife, I need to go find my son. She says, Peter, we haven't seen him in a while. He says, I know that, but I need to go find him. And so he made his way back from Atlantic City, New Jersey, all the way to New York where he found me. Good three, four hour drive, I think. And driving through the streets and as God would have it, we met. And he drove up, he was across the street, probably where that taping rack is. And I'm standing on the corner dying. And my dad got out of his car and I remember he called my name and the first thing I did is hold up my hand it's that I'm okay everything's fine hmm and you know I don't I couldn't even fathom what it would be like to see your firstborn first I'm tying American family the first male born that's me there were expectations Pope or president that's what I was supposed to be and and he finds me in this condition he walked across the street and that's when it finally ended because I remember collapsing and my dad holding me up and I was very much aware of our proximity now we hadn't been that close in years probably when I was a little guy we walked to two different beats my dad is alpha male from South Brooklyn a tough guy street guy makes Tony Soprano look like Tinkerbell I mean this type of guy he is and I was into hippies and music and Rolling Stones and you know all of that and I liked I liked that stuff I wanted to have long hair and wear beads and you my dad thought there was something really really wrong with me and I didn't like fighting I like peace and he knew something was wrong with me at that point. But here we were. And the big book says our roots grasp new soil. That doesn't feel good when you're uprooted. We were both uprootted. It didn't feel godly, but it was necessary, as it's still necessary for me to be challenged by God and to be pruned by God. That's what 10, 11, and 12 is about. That's why I like to go through the steps at least once a year. I like the effect produced by God, but it's uncomfortable. It's a necessary pruning of the tree to get rid of more plaque on the soul because what I can do is rest on my laurels and not even be aware I'm resting on my Laurels. I can rest on, well, I went through the Steps years ago. Life was good. I have some money. Well, that's great, but how am I doing spiritually? I'm the last one who should be assessing myself as to how well I'm doing. you know if i want to know what my defects are ask marion ask my brothers ask my co-workers we would never call that meeting but if i you know say i feel good everything's great i'm i'm god everything i'm good i don't need to do this i'll just show up to a meeting get there late leave early but i feel good and off i go and i quickly have switched allegiances i went from god to worshiping my emotions and how I feel. If I'm seeking comfort, I just stay delusional for the rest of my days. That's how I seek comfort. But if I'm speaking God, I'm going to be made uncomfortable. But the price for that is the breaking down of me, and the result is complete freedom in here. I'm an alcoholic. I don't come to AA anymore just to stop drinking. God takes care of that. I come to AA because I'm an alcoholic and I suffer from alcoholism. Yeah, we stay sober in helping our alcohol achieve sobriety, but in working with others is how I remedy my alcoholism, I go through the steps, I get spiritually fit, pass the whole thing away, my alcohols stays over there for the most part, but if I'm here just to not drink, I might be just a hard drinker or a moderate drinker where I can just come to me, put the plug in a jug and go home, everything's groovy. If that floats your boat, great. That's not my story. On June 23rd, 1988, desperation screamed louder than the ego for the first time in my life. And I listened because the thing I've learned about God, he will cut through everything and use everything to get our attention, whether it's Park Avenue or Park Bench, huh? My job now is to Practice, I've said this a million times, practice fidelity to God. I like the money, I like the stuff, but who am I worshipping? I can be very spiritual with a bunch of money in my pocket and a new car and a nice Cuban cigar. What happens when there is no money and I'm not driving a nice car or I'm out of work and things aren't looking so good? How am I doing that, huh? my dad placed me in my seventh treatment center and that was my last drink and I will tell you 10 days of being in treatment I know what happened to me I got thirsty so I've been through six treatment centers my first one I won't say was a cakewalk but it was a lot easier than my seventh treatment center. I went in young. I mean, I got sober, I think about it now, at 28. I means, at the time, I thought I was old. I'm going to be 60. That's young to me now. But I was beaten up and I felt old. And I knew what the detoxes were going to entail. I was coming off Valium and booze. I knew that was going to be a tough one. I knew it meant no sleep, a lot of body pains, upset belly, all of that. And all the regrets and all the remorse. And that was worse than the physical beating up. I didn't want to do it. And I was heading out the door. I was goingto walk out AMA. And truly, by the grace of God, that didn't happen. In Alcoholics Anonymous, I've said for years and lots of folks, we say, we know what we're talking about, but for the grace to God. But for the Grace of God. But for The Grace of G-d. But for Tha Grace of g-d, huh? But what I have found out, there's a big difference between getting the grace of God which is an unwarranted gift God gives out of love like a mama feeding her baby. She doesn't expect to parade. That's what she does. Lay down her life for her child. That's what they do. God feeds me and takes care of me, takes careof us because we're his kids. But there's a difference between me getting the grace of God and then experiencing that power which feeds me grace. It's two different area codes, huh? So I didn't go out. I didn' walk out the door. And what they did, they sent me to Minnesota and what was supposed to be six more weeks of treatment. And then they sent me to something called a halfway house, which I didn't even know what that thing was. A halfway house that was prisoners' go-to. And I was petrified. I didn'T know what I was in for. And after three months of that, they said, we're going to send you to something called the three-quarter house. And I did that. Then they said we're gonna send you to a sober house. And about a year later, I was invited back home to New York. And I remember when my dad called me and he says, I cleared it with everyone. My very first mentor, Vince, Vince D., who's passed on, who was in the business of treatment. He says, you can come home. And I Remember telling my dad, I don't know if I want to leave Minnesota. I had meetings I was going to. had friends, newfound friends, had a little sober job. I was getting around, you know. But I went home and I remember I went to live with my youngest brother. I'm the oldest of three boys. And as an older brother, I'm supposed to be looking out for my kid brothers. And they were looking out für mich. And my middle brother was married and my youngest his brother was single and he had a little apartment and he invited me in to stay with him and didn't charge me rent or anything. I slept on the floor, a couple times slept on the couch, really small place. He said, if you want, I'll sleep on the couch. You can take my bed. I mean, it's incredible. He didn't ask me for rent. He's used the phones before cell phones. Use my phone. You got to call those AAs. Use the phone. Don't worry about it. And I was going to meetings like, you know, your buddy up with guys when you knew or ladies butt up with ladies and you go from meeting to meeting to meeting because you're out of work and you go to the dining i got two bucks you got one buck get one pot of coffee and nurse it all night you know but there was one sunday i was going to a seven o'clock meeting and i'm standing by the bus stop it was a cold night and it was raining one of those ugly new york nights and i got jacket zip it up to here and i am standing underneath the overhead of this store right by the the bus top and my brother's coming home from the gym. And as he turns the corner and sees me on a Sunday night in the rain, cold weather at the bus stop, his face turned white as a ghost. He's where are you going? As I'm going to St. Mary's church, there's a meeting tonight. And he just stared at me. I said, wait, come back. I'll buy some pizza. We'll hang out. The meeting was over. I got home. I had a box of pizza, and you could see the color go back into his face again. And again I realized the damage I had done to the people who loved me best. That just going to a meeting was not enough. That I really had to live this. I saved up some money, I got my job back, and got my first apartment. I'll just share with you briefly what this apartment looked like. There was nothing in it when I moved in. somebody gave me a sleeping bag to sleep in i'm from brooklyn i don't know sleeping bags almost strangled myself trying to get in there i bought some aa bumper stickers put them on the door and a crucifix above the door had a bible and a big book and that night i slept in paradise because as a member of alcoholics anonymous and sober picked up a drink at 14 years old and everything changed quickly back in the 70s in Brooklyn everyone hung out on street corners some some guys hung out in schoolyards that's what you did and listen to music and drink and the older guys were doing this it was a Saturday we're drinking so reluctantly I began to drink with them not knowing what I was in for and as I drank this cold 45 beer in a short time I began to feel the effects of cold 45 beer on me, and it felt wonderful. I got nice, I got taller, I got better looking, the girls got prettier, my friends were the greatest guys in the world, I had beer muscles, it was a great thing. Midnight, I think I turned into Al Pacino, I'm not sure, but it wasa great thing And when I'm drunk like that and I'm feeling good, I'm not looking at life as it pertains to me like I can do when I am untreated how life pertains to me and self is i'm looking at the world through self i'm here in the world through self I'm speaking to the world to self all my actions are out of self when I was drunk everything was okay I'm good with everything I wasn't thinking about my mom who committed suicide when I Was 14 about six months prior to my first drunk I wasn'T thinking about this horrible fear and resentment I had towards my dad how we never got along it was a great thing Bill says it best. I had arrived in his story. I showed up for life on this one summer night and I didn't want it to end because as the night went on, guys started to go home and I went into instant panic or instant sobriety. See, I don't do sober well on my own. I'm restless, irritable and discontent and I'm afraid. Even now sometimes when I get afraid of life. It means I'm lacking communing with God again. I don't do sober well. The belief system sometimes becomes AA where you do sober well, maybe not because I'm not doing sober well I'm going to need something which means a drink or something and I knew it back then. I found the panacea for all of my ills. It was called beer. The following weekend rolled around I got drunk. The weekend rolled into during the week and progression does what progression does. I start to become a liar, a cheat, and a thief The thing that really broke the camel's back if you will I was stealing from my family and I'd help them look for the things I stole. Did you ever do this? But one morning I woke up and I couldn't find money lying around the house or jewelry or anything like that that I would steal but what I did find was my dad's checkbook and I had this great idea I could forge his name fill out the check and go down to the local store and everyone in the area where I live knew my dad and some of those merchants didn't want to give him a difficult time they're afraid of him so I took advantage of that I went down and says hey my my old man had no cash he said you'd cash this check for me so I can have some money for the day he says you'll be okay with it they kind of looked at me cockeyed and said okay anything for your pop tell him I said hello and they give me 20 bucks off the check huh I thought I hit powerball this was a great thing because I kept doing that until my dad got something in the mail called the checking statement which I didn't even know existed and I had called home and my brother said what did you do now the old man's looking for you this is not the type of guy you want looking for you when he's in a good mood he found me and I was in lower Manhattan sitting in the car with this young lady who I met the night before drunk and so now I'm in love and she's sitting next to me and my dad rolls up and he gets out of the car and he throws the cigarette down and he screams my name and he points. My dad's hands are like this big and he puts it in his mouth and he does it and he points. Now, here was me. I'm sitting in the car and I think I'm like Snoop Dogg and Dirty Harry rolled into one. And now back in Brooklyn the way we used to drive was the seat goes all the way back. The windows go down, the music goes loud and you got to like lean way over. And I got like my Walmart wasn't out but I had like a Walmart pinky ring going and my shirt was open down on my belly button. I don't know why, I thought I had something. And I'm looking at her and she's looking at me and I'm thinking like, do you realize who you're with? And when my dad showed up and walked across the street and screamed my name, I said, honey, that's my dad, you talk to him, I gotta get out of here and I ran away. And my dad caught me and the first thing I did was it's her fault. And I blamed the guys in the neighborhood. And then I pulled out the trump card, which was mom committed suicide, I'm all mixed up. I don't know what I mean. And part of that was true. I mean, the amount of betrayal that was involved in that and broken heart that came with that and shame and guilt and embarrassment and all of it was tremendous. So part of it is true. Part of that is true, but I used it as my get-out-of-jail card. and my dad says well I'm sending you to something called a treatment center and this gentleman Vince says he needs to go in he's gonna detox and do the sober and 28 days in treatment which was the model back then 28 days you're cured go home go to AA and they sent everyone to AA back then um and 28 Days roll by I fell in love like five times in treatment and um did push-ups and sit-ups I talked about my feelings all day long and got drunk that day. And here's what I'd like to share with you. I'm in that industry, by the way, but I don't do treatment. And they were doing the best they could. But it didn't work. It doesn't work They tried to stabilize me, but i wasn't listening In my first six treatment centers over a bunch of years i managed on my own power big book says lack of power is our dilemma see again live life vote understand it backwards i had no idea god was allowing me to experience this and face my demons i couldn't see it at the time but my first six treatment centers i managed out my own Power two days of continuous sobriety and that was ironic it was the longest stay in treatment because after my fifth treatment center of 28 days they said hold on you can't leave yet we need to keep you longer you're chronic you're going to drink and die we've done this dance before and they figured out a way how to extend me for nine weeks which back in the day was pretty much unheard of unless they put you in a psych ward and things like that so nine weeks to hold me in treatment now nine weeks being separated from the substance I get better there's color back in my face I'm eating I'm holding food I'm even catching a few hours sleep Yes. I'm going to the gym and working out a little bit. And I looked human. I look sober. Then he says, we need to discharge you Saturday. I said, I think I'm gonna be good. I know what I need to do. Right? That's what we all do. I know What I need To Do. And, um, I haven't thought about drinking. I Know What I Need To Do I'm Gonna Go To Those Meetings And All This Other Stuff. And I Crossed The Threshold. It Was Amityville-Long Island. I Cross The Threshhold On Sunrise Highway. hit the fresh air and bang I was on it was on me I was met with my demons I quickly got all uncomfortable irritable I quickly found out that no one out there really cares that I just got out of treatment and that the world was moving awfully fast cars are going by people are shouting they're going about their business traffic didn't stop saying here comes speedy just got a treatment bow they didn't care as an alcoholic I expected that and my mind woke up we need a drink you got to get a drink just to taste it just get some just take this edge off this I'm uncomfortable belly start to bother me I got this cold clammy feeling across my forehead my hands are cold and clammy I can't eat I can't talk I can pay attention Saturday like this and Sunday like this. I'm crawling out of my skin. I need a drink is what I need. On Monday morning, I get in the car and I drive from, my family was living in Staten Island, New York, which I haven't been there yet. It's a science experiment by the government. I don't know what that's about. So I drove from Staten island all the way to South Brooklyn. And I got there early and the liquor store wasn't open. Now guys, my body didn't need alcohol after nine weeks of being in treatment. I was sober. My mind, another story. And I get out of the car. The store was closed. Liquor store was close. And I start pacing back and forth waiting for him to get there, waiting for he to get that. When is he going to get there? He finally shows up. I run in a store. I put my money underneath the glass partition and I got a pint of whiskey. I ran out, cracked the seal and drank it down as fast as it can go down. Huh? And by the time I polished off that pint, the sweating stopped. My belly slowed down and stopped bothering me. The thinking slowed down. I felt in control. I felt really good. I was back in the saddle again. I'm good again. I can breathe again. My body didn't need alcohol but my mind said, yeah you do to the point where I feel like I'm going through withdrawal. I'm shaking. I'm vibrating. wrong with my body, but the mind where the main problem for me centers has tremendous amount of power. If there's any folks who dabbled in cocaine, if you remember your belly is working fine until you cop and the first move is I have to run to the restroom. I'm an alcoholic, so I finished off the pint. So I wasn't going home because the craving is on now. So you know what I had to do, right? I go back into the liquor store and buy a second pint. I had too. Even though maybe I didn't want to, I had two. Isn't it funny with folks like us? We have the first drink. We're obsessing on the first thing. We need the first think. I really need that drink. I got to get that drink and I get the drink down, which calls for the second drink. and for some reason the fourth, fifth, and sixth drink scream louder than the first and second drink. That's called craving abnormal reaction. My body goes into craving. Whether I get sick and puke, body goes back and says, we should keep it, don't stop, keep it coming. And while it's not going, my mind says, go get it. There is a complete, if you will, disconnection between me and God. And after I finish the second pint, I'm feeling drunk, so what I like to do when I'm drunk is go buy pills and eat Valium. And the lower and more numb I can get, the better I liked it. See, my delusional mind said, I'm in control. I look good. But if you saw me say, this guy's drunk and disorderly, he's completely out of control. I don't want to... See, for me, life is problematic. We live in a world of impermanence. It hurts. It's unfair. And if you watch the news now, The whole planet's completely upside down. How do I navigate through that with the alcoholic ego and the insecurity thing that I have? How do you navigate throughthat? Just give me a double vodka, I'll do fine. For years, loving people in AA, and no one in AA ever tried to hurt me. They meant it to help me. They would tell me, do life on life's terms. That sounds logical, except I'm alcoholic. I don't know how to do that. But if I tried, I'd get a double vodka in me first, and then I'd do life on life's terms. Numb. And more is what I want. More of this and more of that. More notoriety, more popularity, more money, more sex, more food, just keep going. Don't stop. I want more. What I always want more of is the next drink. And whether you put a pile of money on top of it in a brand new car and lots of alcohol no matter what in here i know i'm just poison i'm not good i'm not a good guy sometimes when i get called for these events is peter would you like to come to the you know abc conference somewhere we'd like you to be our speaker and i'm very gracious and i look at the calendar and i accept if i'm free every once in a while i want to say you sure you're calling the right guy? Do you know who I am? I will cause a traffic jam with one car. Do you Know Who This Is? That's that other guy, huh? And Big Book says, thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. The same happened for me. I wound up in this bottomless pit, spent a day and a half in my sixth treatment center and walked out. And then I became homeless. My dad had got me this little apartment in Brooklyn to which I trashed and brought the Bowery in there. It was filthy, filthy pigsty that I turned this little department into. Nice little apartment I turned into a BowerY. And the trapdoors have trapdoors. And then June 23rd, 1988 showed up. As I said earlier, I didn't see that coming. And so what I'm here to do, like I go to every meeting, is to bear witness to this great power, to bear witness to how Alcoholics Anonymous works. As my sponsor says, AA has a 100% recovery rate for those who follow instructions and are willing to go to any lengths. You read the press, we don't work anymore. Well, we're here. Something's working. This isn't about, I found, being a big book guru, big book lawyer, being Moses. It's about chopping wood, carrying on, getting in the trenches and have a spiritual experience sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism. Be part of this thing. Be a part of the church. Be a heart of this things because God carries his water in broken pots and that's us a day at a time. And so what I hope to do over the weekend is share my experience, experiential workshop if you will of my walking through this step. these steps I should say and the instructions I followed and the challenges behind it and the doubts and skepticism even with God, even with sponsors even with AA at times but something in me puts one foot in front of the other and I get to talk to you about that over the weekend so we'll take a few minute break. Thank you very much Thank you.