Without Conscious Contact the Physical Sobriety Goes Too – Candice E.

Please join me in welcoming our main speaker, Candice. Hello. I'm Candice and I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to open this up by saying I'm in a really weird ass place right now, emotionally. Because I feel like if I say that, it gets me off the hook. If I just completely don't make sense or don't say anything that you relate to or give you resentment by the end of the night or whatever, you'll let me slide. So this is a really cool group of people. I'm really, really happy to be here. Thank you, Leroy, for asking me to come and speak. Welcome all of the newcomers. There were so many of you. It's amazing. And happy birthday, Frankie or Betty, whoever you are. You got my back. I appreciate that. I knew what I was doing, though. Dude, I haven't spoken for a couple of weeks. A couple months. And I feel like I'm always asked to do this at the time when I least want to do it. Like, I don't want to do this right now. You know, because I have nothing to say or I don't know how I'm feeling or I'm navigating all this shit. And I don't want to do that. And I don't want you guys. I want you guys to know what's going on. That's the truth. Like, I just don't want to talk about it right now. And that's my survival mechanism. Like, that's what I do. I keep you here. And I smile at you. And I say, what's up? And I don't really want you to answer that. Like, I don't. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to know what's up with you. Because then you might be like, oh, I'm good. Like, how's it going? Like, how's it going? Like, how's it going? Like, how are you? And, like, really want to know. And I'm just not there right now. I hate all of you. No, I'm just kidding. I promise I'm going to, like, shift this to a positive any second now. No, you know what? The fact of the matter is that I am 11 years sober. And life has not stopped happening. And I'm going through some crazy shit. That's the truth. That's what happened. You know? May 24th, 2007. So I'm, like, a year behind Andy. That's kind of crazy, right? Super cool. When I came here, you guys, I did not want to stop drinking. That is not why I came. I wasn't interested in being sober at all. At all. That wasn't on my agenda. I just wanted to learn how to drink. Without, like, getting arrested. Or getting into a fight. And, you know, being able to remember the drive home. And who I drove home with. And all of that. I wanted to be able to have a clear conscience. Whatever that was. And I just, I was so sick of running away from myself. That I just needed to try something new. That's basically the bottom line. My dad got sober when I was two. He is still sober. He divorced my mom, who is still a very heavy drinker. She married their Coke dealer when I was four. So my childhood was interesting. My household was crazy. And I didn't pick up my first drink until I was 18 years old. And I needed it way before that. So. So when I started drinking, it hit me like a semi truck. Like, yup, you got it too. I don't know why you think you're different. I graduated from high school. And I was doing all the drugs and drinking all the things. And this girl approached me in college. And she was like, oh, you're super cute and you're fun. Why don't you come and see where I work on the weekends? You might really like it. And I did really like it. It involved some illegal activity and a lot of drugs and a pole. I'm not going to tell you what I did. But for whatever reason, I felt in control of my life. Living a lifestyle that was exciting. And I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. It was the only thing that was dangerous that none of my family knew about. I got to keep secrets. I was in control of the men who had tried to control me my whole life. Right? All those things. And it was dark. It was really, really dark. I made all of the rationalizations and all of the justifications for my actions and that's what got me through the day. Oh, God. Oh, God. You know, I told myself, if you can work a 12-hour shift in stilettos and not fall on your face and not need to get loaded just to make it through the day, then you can do whatever you want after you clock out. So it's almost like I was just never awake. You know, I was never awake. I was always hiding something from someone. And that girl who was ODing in the bathroom, she was way worse than I was. So I was fine. Um, when I was about 20 years old, I got into my first really serious relationship with this amazing guy who I was so in love with. Um, and, you know, five years of being smashed down into the concrete, like, that gets old. You get tired. He was very controlling, very possessive, very jealous, very everything. Um, so I finally decided that I needed to take a break. I piled about seven friends into a Suburban, and we drove to Vegas because I needed to relax. I figured that would, you know, give me some quiet time. Let's go to Vegas. Um, yeah, like, we all get it. That's why I love coming here, because you're all like, ah, yeah, I've done that before, too. Um, by about 5 p.m., we arrived, and I just wanted to kill myself, you know? Just like I didn't come here to not drink anymore, I didn't go to Vegas to party. I went to Vegas to die. I didn't want to come home. I wanted to die. Everything was so painful. Everything was so dark. That mom that I grew up with who didn't love me, who didn't want anything to do with me, who didn't care if I was alive. Or dead. Or where I was. Or whatever. Like, she had finally gotten so deep under my skin that I was not able to face myself. So angry. So rageful. I just didn't care anymore. I didn't love myself. And I didn't want to talk to anybody who wanted to teach me how, either. If you would have looked at me and said, One day. You're going to have 11 years of sobriety. And you're going to love yourself so much, you're just going to make yourself sick. I would have been like, Cool. Nice for you, lady. But that's what this program has given me. Honestly. I mean, I don't think I love myself to the point of sickness yet. But I'm working on it. So I'm working on it. So the biggest thing I can say for you, I want you to know. I made it through that Vegas trip alive. I don't know how I did. I just heard that voice. That voice was like, Candice, if you don't do something, you're going to die. And that voice, you know, it like reaches into that pit that you don't even realize you have in your body. That really, really deep. Soulful. pit in your stomach and all of a sudden you realize, holy shit, I think I want to live. I think I want to live. I don't know why and I don't know what for, but I think I want to live. I felt it. Thank you, God. I felt it. And I've wanted to live ever since that moment. And it hasn't been easy to live It's not easy every day today with 11 years of sobriety. It's not easy to wake up and say, I want to live. I want to raise my kids and I want to face the world and I want to work and I want to help people. I don't feel like that every day. I wake up sometimes and it's all I can do to just breathe and not drink. And that is okay. If you're in that spot, that is okay because all we are asked to do here is not drink. I have to tell myself that multiple times throughout the day sometimes. And that's the space that I'm in right now because life is just hard. Life is just hard and I honestly believe that my God sometimes is just a jerk and he puts me up at a podium and he's like, well, you got to do this anyway. You know, you have to do this anyway. to do it anyway because that's just what we do here. I made it home from Vegas and I went to my sober dad and I said, dad, I think I need a meeting. You won. I think I need a meeting. And he was like, oh, you think? Cool. I have this thing. It's called a directory. There's probably a meeting down the street right now. Let's go. And I was like, wait, wait, wait. Like, okay. I was down to have like a conversation. I wasn't really willing to like get in the car and go, but okay, fine. And I hope I never forget that first meeting. I was so broken, so bruised, so battered, so beat down. I sat in a chair, curled up in a little ball, just crying. Partly because I was so broken. Partly because I was so broken. Partly because I just could not believe that I had actually made it there. Like, really? I had tried for years to drink differently than my mom did. You know, I was not like her. And I was not as emotionally sensitive and messed up as my sober dad was because I don't know what you guys did to him, but he freaking cries over everything. Leroy's met him. He does. He just, it's like, really? Dad. Um, my dad saved my life that day. And I know that it was my dad's higher power who was looking out for me long before I had a relationship with my own. I'm so grateful to that. I'm, I'm so grateful to that higher power and to you guys, because you all were praying for me. I'm so grateful to that higher power and to you guys, because you all were praying for me. At that moment, Frankie, where we're holding hands and we're saying, for those of us who are still suffering, who need a seat in here, I needed a seat and I took it that day and I have not gotten out of that seat in 11 years. Thank God. And if you've come into this program and you've gone back out and you're back here, sitting here again, I have so much respect for you because I don't know if I could do that. I don't know if I could do that. If you've done it, my hat's off to you. I appreciate you. And I love you. And I'm glad that you're here. Sitting in that seat. I had this, um, this older, like Puerto Rican lady walk up to me and she was like, oh, honey, what is wrong with you? like everything get away from me and she was like oh no I'm gonna be your sponsor like super excited Leroy's met her too yeah can you imagine first meeting Linda s I'm gonna be your sponsor okay great but I did it I did 90 meetings in 90 days with the same group of people so I had to tell the truth every day because they knew me they got to know me real quick I built a really strong foundation in this program and it has carried me through every single year of my sobriety I didn't always do things that they wanted me to do I didn't always do things her way that's why she's not my sponsor anymore I haven't quite had how many did you have nine like Wow and I'm not judging you but damn I mean nine and twelve years like whoo it's a winner right there stick with him I mean it happens you know it happens I got a year of sobriety in that group and I was finally ready to spread my wings and Linda had taken me to some other meetings and I was like okay you know I got a grip on this thing and I'm like okay I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I want to get into some new groups and sometimes that's just what you have to do Linda and I had a huge resentment against each other for a while but we've worked through it and I see her at meetings now and we hug and we love each other and she knows my kids and she knows my family and it's great we walk through stuff in here that's difficult we get into conflict with people here and it's really hard because we love this program so much and we don't want to feel animosity when we walk into these rooms we want to feel nothing but love and we want to feel the love and the love but happens in here too and we walk through it and we stay sober at about a year of sobriety I met this guy hmm I have to take a drink for that one luckily he's not in the program so all the resentments that I have against him right now none of you are gonna go back to him and tell him about this I met this guy and he was completely different from anything or anyone that I had ever dated before so I knew he must be the one because now I'm sober and I'm supposed to change one thing and that's everything right so I have to get with somebody that I would never pick out of a crowd he's so nice he treats me so well let's get married and we did and two days later I found out I was pregnant spent the first year of my marriage to this guy pregnant second year in deep postpartum depression I was insane insane looking back on that time I feel so bad for him everything he's done since then is his fault but that part that part was crazy that part was crazy we didn't know each other we moved really quickly But I figured, hey, I have a year of sobriety. I can do this. I can do it all. I can do it all. I turned five. Okay, my fifth year of sobriety. I'm turning five, which anyone in here who has over five years, they'll tell you like five is a kicker. Like, whoa, you know, you're about to do some real work at five. And that's how it felt. I was turning five. I was graduating from college. My daughter was turning a year old and my husband was turning into an alcoholic. I didn't know that he was when I married him. Stuff was getting crazy, crazy. And in my daughter's second year of life, he stopped coming home at night. So, I'm sitting at home with this baby, trying so hard not to drink, trying so hard not to just give in to all of the depression, all of the anger, all that rage. Because if you would have told me that I was going to get sober and marry an alcoholic, I would have told you you were crazy because I'm never putting my kids through that ever. I'll fight you over those words. But I did it. I married an alcoholic who was really good at covering shit up. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. One day he was at work. My daughter was in daycare. I packed up all my stuff. I went, I put down a deposit on an apartment, decorated it, moved all my stuff in. He came home to an empty house and we were separated for a year and a half. Picking up my daughter and moving her out of that house, was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Ever. It's right up there with getting sober. Because when you get sober and you build this life around yourself and everyone's so happy for you because you have it all, you don't want to tell anyone the truth about what's going on. You don't want to tell anybody that you're dying inside and you're afraid for your child and you don't know who he's with at night. Because you make smart choices today. You're sober, right? No. That year was really, really hard. I was so angry. So many times I could have gone here to the liquor store or here to a meeting. Thank God I always went this way. So, we went to therapy. He got sober. He hasn't had a drink in five years. We took financial counseling. We did all the things. I went back. We had another baby. He's two years old. I love my kids and now I'm in the process of picking up two kids and leaving. So, because we can, we can say that we've done all the things, right? We can say that we've done them, but if we don't really do the work, if we don't replace all those voids and fill them with God, if we don't throw the drink away and fill that hole with God, no change that we say we've made is going to be sustainable. None of that is sustainable. You can say whatever you want, but I'm going to say to you, this is the first thing that you want to say to me. But if you haven't done the work, only you know that. I am so thankful for those kids, you guys so thankful. I would not change a step of this process, everything in here from the steps that we take to everything that happens from the day we get sober. It all happens in a divine order. I firmly believe that. And I believe that I'm leaving this second time while I have 11 years sober for a reason. So, I'm just going to say it again. If you haven't done the work, only you know that. I am so thankful for those kids, you guys, sober for a reason. I'm not five anymore. I have grown. I have evolved. I'm stepping into that authentic self that Andy talked about. I'm sitting here and handling this situation with so much grace that I'm a little nauseated. To be honest, I'm not flying off the handle. It's not dramatic. It just is. It's just life. And that crazy alcoholic mom that I had, it's not the same mom my kids have. I am not the same. I am not the same as her. I love my babies and they know it. The stuff that we have to walk through in here is like, it's such a freaking gift. It's such a gift because everything that's hard, every time you get on the other side of it without drinking, that's a freaking victory. That is a miracle. And we're not like those normal people who just deal with this, right? We pile so much shit on top of what we go through. So the fact that we can get through all that without drinking is a miracle. They have celebrations. We have victories. We have miracles. We are chosen people. We know what it's like to be scooped up from the pits of hell and dropped into an AA meeting. All those nights where I didn't remember how I made it home. That night I got pulled over for my DUI, pulled off of the 101 freeway at Linkershim at that gas station. No, not Linkershim. Laurel Canyon. The cops were so freaking funny. They were so funny. We were laughing. They put me in the back of thatSo many times. We were laughing. They put me in the back of that point. I did that, and I could die. It put my conversations back to normal. me in the back of the squad car they pulled somebody else over while I was in there like we're just laughing it's like for the longest time I wanted to find those cops and just say thank you like you didn't make that a miserable experience for me you know I drank for three years after that it wasn't enough for me but you treated me kindly and I appreciate it it's a gift if we open our eyes just a little bit wider we get to see the gifts in here if we don't leave the room because we're not enjoying the meeting we get to feel the gifts in here if we reach out our hand and we talk to somebody that otherwise we'd probably be like we get to feel the gifts in here it's an incredible it's an incredible it's an incredible program and I'm so grateful for it I'm helping take care of that mom today oh god you guys I just I mean really when I was 16 years old I decided it's time for me to move out because you've hit me for the last time I'm 16 years old I got back up and I hit her back it was horrible it was ugly and I was done and I moved out and we didn't talk for years because when you take an angry kid who went to high school in the city and has to fight every day now she's 16 years old you come in her room you try to fight her she's just going to stand up and whoop your ass and that's what happened I was angry I didn't know how to make it through any situations without putting my hands on someone I came here so you guys could teach me how to do that it didn't happen you just told me to stop putting my hands on people I didn't know how to make it through any situations without putting my hands on someone I didn't talk to that mom for so long so long and now she needs me and it's okay she can barely walk she would never look at me and say the words that I know she needs to say and that's okay she's ashamed she's guilty she has to lay her head on her pillow every night and deal with that and drink over it I didn't talk to that mom for so long so long and now she needs me and it's okay she's guilty she has to lay her head on her pillow every night and deal with that and drink over it that's her stuff it doesn't have to be mine anymore I'm sober enough and I'm a mom enough to know that that's what she goes to bed with at night I don't have to take it on anymore if you would have told me that I would be 11 years sober and able to forgive that abusive mother that neglectful mother that's a miracle miracles don't happen in this alcoholics life I would not have believed you the fact of the matter is that whatever happens with my marriage that's up to God it's not up to me and I'm sober enough also to see that things can change from day to day I could wake up tomorrow and feel completely different than I did in the past I could wake up tomorrow and feel completely different than I did in the past I could wake up tomorrow and feel completely different than I did in the past about the situation how I feel about something is not in my control how I I****************************************************************************************************** How I feel about something is not in my control how I react to it is in my control that's what I have control over do I want to put my hands all over that guy yeah yeah I do I'm not happy right now you know I'm not happy because I laid my life down for you I had these two kids I've done this too many bad things I've done it's such a completes my husband's life,are you okay with me? I've done this, I've kept your house together, I've supported you, all the stuff, right? All of that. Do I want to carry that resentment on my back? Do I want to drink over that anger? No, I don't. I would rather look at you and appreciate the good times that we have had and these two kids that we do have together and be one of those crazy statistics of people who actually don't hate each other after they split up. I would love that. I would love to be able to look at you and actually make plans for our kids and do things together and show them this is how you handle conflict in a healthy way. That would be nice. And I know that with God, all things are possible. So I can give in to that anger and say, screw you. But I would just rather not today. I would rather be comfortable. That's the God's honest truth and that's how I know I've grown. I don't need to make you feel like shit every day because you're doing that already. You're doing that already. I'm amazing and I'm leaving you. I mean, I can guarantee you that he feels like shit already, guys. But it's just, he was heated for that really worth it. I mean, he's full ofctors. I mean, you shake a quip and you don't upset anybody. I mean, I know my today's wyrd's made people feel like shit because of him. But I I do feel bad that it's just not okay to see a arse on someone else's back. You ain't never gonna find nobody like me. No, I'm just kidding. I have a choice today. I can choose me or I can choose that toxic shit that I used to drink over. I would rather stay sober and choose myself. I would rather wake up and remind myself once again that I am an alcoholic, that I need God, that I can't do life on my own. I belong in a meeting. I need to talk to you guys. I need to tell you what's really going on even when I don't want to so that somebody who has gone through this before me can give me a freaking hug and send me on my way and wish me nothing but the best because that's what you guys do in here. And somehow it carried me through to 11 years of sobriety. And that's what I hope I'm doing for you right now. Whether you relate or not, whether you have kids or not, whether you're a woman or a man, it doesn't matter. You're a woman. You know that I drank to the point of oblivion. I can't remember half my life. You did the same thing. Now we're sitting in metal chairs together with fancy cushions and we're having a great time. Sober. It's a common thread in here that is such a beautiful gift. It's the music of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's my heart speaking to your heart. And if you have anything to give me after the meeting, please give it freely. I take it willingly. I just feel so blessed to share space in here with you guys. Because I know people in here have had it harder than me. I know people in here have seen stuff that's worse than what I've seen. I know it. I know it. I know it. I know it. I know it. I know it. That sober dad. I'm so grateful for the relationship that we have today. He would pick me up every other weekend from that violent, crazy household and drop me in the middle of an AA meeting. And let everyone love on me and hug me. And I was raised in here. I knew exactly where to go. I'm so grateful for that. I called him when I was first. I was trying to get sober when I was in that studio apartment where I couldn't keep the lights on. I had no food in my fridge. I was going through the DTs. I was so shaky and sweaty and red and sick. And I was on the floor just beating my fists into the floor. Like, I don't want to do this. I hurt everywhere. I hurt everywhere. And I called him. And I said, please send me away somewhere. Please send me to a relationship. I need rehab somewhere. Please put me in a bed and chain me to it. Because if you don't, I'm going to run. And he said, you know enough about this program to know that all you have to do is go every day. You need to leave that bed open for someone who really needs it. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. But what was I doing? In my brain, I was just so sick. I needed to pull a geographic. Even if it was somewhere where everyone is sober and flowery. And beautiful. Swimming in a pool. I didn't care. I just didn't want to be where I was. I was pulling a geographic. I could not face myself. But he knew. Just go sit your ass down every day. Keep going. Fake it till you make it. And I did. And it hurt so bad, you guys. It hurt so bad. But I did. I did it. And this program works in spite of yourself. It just works. All you have to do is open your mouth. All you have to do is do the steps. All you have to do is sit down and try to read something. Just try to read something. And if you can't read it, ask someone to read it to you. I have a stepmom that I hated growing up. I shouldn't say that. I didn't really hate her. She was just a great person. She was just kind of there. She was just kind of there taking my dad away from me. And we clashed a lot. We clashed a lot because I was so angry and she doesn't have kids of her own. And it was really hard for her to wrap her mind around this ball of rage that my dad had brought into his home. That stepmom today is the best grandmother to my two kids. That... I could have ever asked for. She's Nona. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I didn't have that growing up. We get to give our kids things that we didn't have when we were growing up in here. I just... It's like I could go on and on about my drinking but you guys have heard all that already. The beauty of this program is what I love talking about. I'm on my third sponsor. So I'm a third of the way there. She's amazing. She's amazing. She was dropped into my lap on some kind of spiritual plane I didn't even know I was on. But I was there. I was ready for her. She was ready for me. It's been beautiful. The sponsor who got the meat and potatoes. The sponsor who got the meat and potatoes of all the work that I've done. The one before this one. I hated her for so long. I hated her for so long because she left me. She fired me when I was going through that separation. When I was so crazy. She said, your self will run riot and I can't help you anymore. I had been with her for five years. And she did that to me at my lowest point. She might have a different version of that story. That's my perception. That's what happened. Okay. Again, Leroy, you know her. Don't say a word. Please. The beautiful thing about that is forgiveness. You know? The beautiful thing about that is that we're both able to be grownups. We're both able to look at our inactivity. We're both able to be women and mothers together and look at each other and appreciate each other. If you have a conflict in here with a sponsor, it's not the end of the world. People freak out over that. Your sponsor is not God. Okay? As a matter of fact, let's talk about that for a minute. Your sponsor is not God. She is not your mom. He is not your dad. He is not God. Okay? In the big book, it says, you come to me. You come in here. You reach out. You be honest with somebody. You do the steps with someone. And then what you do with that is up to you. It doesn't say over and over in the program have you checked with your sponsor. Do you still have a sponsor? You need to be held accountable in here. You need to have someone who can call you on your shit because you're not going to do that yourself. You need to have someone who tells you the truth about yourself. A sponsor is extremely important. Extremely important, but they are not God and they are not responsible for you or your sobriety. So don't put that on them. And if your self-will run riot and they let go of you because they can't hang, they got some shit to work through too. They're human. Appreciate them for what they've been to you in your life. Appreciate them for the time in your life that they came in and helped you. Because they've helped you. Even if it feels like they haven't. They're not here to correct you. To fix you. I feel like a lot of newcomers feel like they come in and they get paired with someone like a sober buddy. And it's like, okay, my life is going to be just like theirs. And if it's not, something's not working. And if they fail me, then screw this whole program. Because it doesn't work. It's worked for so many people. Look around you. If you're not here to help, then screw this whole program. If it works for you, then screw this whole program. If it works for you, then screw this whole program. If it works for me, shit. You're in luck. I can't imagine my life not sober. With every single thing that I'm facing today. With as hard as it is to be a mom. With as hard as it was to walk my daughter through surgery when she was three years old. And then to have another kid and have to take him through surgery when he was two. Feeling just like I want to die. Watching them wheel your kid into an OR. You have no control over that situation. If I can get through that without drinking. Or at least like going to the nurses station and begging for something. Dude. I can walk through this situation with the father of my kids. And we can be okay. Everything that feels so urgent and so seemingly horrible. If I just take it to God and don't pile alcohol on top of it. I stand a chance. I stand a chance of walking through that. Coming out on the other side. Being able to look back and saying, holy shit. We made it. We didn't have to drink over that. We didn't have to use over that. We get to go to a meeting and talk to another woman about it. We get to go to a meeting and feel useful. And purposeful. Like we have meaning. Even if we didn't do anything else with our day. Except for breathe. And stay sober. That is all we have to do. Everything else is a gift. Everything else we get is a gift. And I know that if I pick up a drink today. And I know that if I drink a glass of water. And I know that if I pick up a drink today. All those things that I've gotten. The chance to even attempt to do in sobriety. Those are the things that I'm going to lose first. The second I pick up again. That relationship that I have with my higher power is the most important relationship that I have in my life. Without that, physical sobriety doesn't come. And without physical sobriety, I'm not clear headed enough to connect to that higher power. I'm not clear headed enough to wake up and make that conscious decision. To make some conscious contact with that God. So the second I drink. That relationship is gone. That relationship is what got me here. That divine order of events. All those things that I thought I was doing. He was doing. All those decisions that I'm making now. I have to take those to him. Because if I don't. I'm not going to stay on the right path. I'm 100% confident in that. And the second I pick up a drink. I don't know if I'm going to be like the people who have been able to go out and come back in here. I just don't know. And I'm way too scared to try to find out. I don't want to go back to that car ride to Vegas. I don't want to hear those voices again. I don't want to hear those voices again. I don't want to hear those voices again. I don't ever want to feel like I did in my first meeting. I don't ever want to feel like I did in my first meeting. Again. It's so much easier to stay sober. And I hope all of you do that with me. And I'm so, so grateful that you have all sat here with me. And tried to make some sense of all of this. I love you all. Thank you. .