Willingness as the Only Tool Left in the Box – Peter M.

An anniversary meeting that we had in Berkeley Heights a couple years ago, and ever since them, ever since that time, I know the guy's been touched by the world of the spirit, and him and I definitely have something in common, and he's just a fellow trudger on this road to Happy Destiny, and it's my pleasure to introduce to you from Brooklyn, New York, Peter M. Good morning, everybody. My name is Peter. I'm an alcoholic. Good morning. And I'm very grateful to be alive and sober to have a meeting and thank Mike and the group for allowing me to be here this morning and share with you. I'm really grateful to have been able to be able to share with all of you and I'm also very grateful to be here under circumstances. My friend Tom and I were like two lost privates in a battlefield conveying to each other via cell phone how the traffic was 100 yards in front of us and I am stuck in traffic and there is no way I am getting here by 11 And I start to talk to God, and I'm saying, but I made all my amends. Why are you doing this to me for? It was that prospect I didn't treat it so nice. That's why you're doing this. But as Kathy says, I lived life on the edge, and I walked in here at 11 o'clock, so I'm really grateful to be here. And again, I thank Mike for this very, very kind invitation to allow me to be here this morning. I'm very grateful to be a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous I'm grateful to the big book which has awakened my spirit and I found a recovery more than a lot of other directions that I was given when I first got here but I found the message of recovery in the first portion of my big book which has awaken my spirit a day at a time I'm really grateful to The Fellowship which I first came in contact with which was abandoned on an open wound when I fist got here I got here by way of seven rehabs, living in the street for too long and getting arrested too many times. And when I got hier, I was at the bitter end, and people in Alcoholics Anonymous welcomed me, and they didn't care where I had been and what I had done. They just said, welcome. I'm also very grateful to the service that I get asked to do, and Comes of Age tells us that the basic service AA provides is carrying this message, and the action we take is at the heart of that. I'm very grateful to a loving God and to you, what you have given me, to be able to pass something on. My big book warns me we cannot transmit something I haven't got. God and you have giving me an awakened spirit and some information to pass on to another alcoholic. And I feel very, very privileged and blessed to be here to do that a day at a time. Helping others is the bright spot of my life, one of the many bright spots in my life. Coming here and recovering and passing this message on, and I have had the privilege of seeing others recover, seeing loneliness vanish. I've seen a fellowship go up around them and me a day at a time. And today I have sought out the fellowship I crave, and God has put me in contact with those people, and it becomes an ever-winding circle a day and a half ago. This is truly a gift. Today I like to say I live on all three sides of our triangle. I tried recovering in just like fellowship and almost got drunk that way. But God has moved me a day to time to have an experience of all three sides of the triangle and pass that on to others. So I'm very grateful for this. God gave me a sober date of June 23, 1988, and I stand here this morning telling you that I'm a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I no longer suffer from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I've been set free. And I'll say this up front and get this out of the way for newcomers. Forget about experiencing relief in AlcoholicsAnonymous. Okay? What you will experience is freedom. See, relief I have found out because I did one side of the triangle for six months. Relief is don't drink, go to means and hold on for dear life. Freedom is being free. Being put in a place of neutrality, safe and protected no matter what comes down the pike. The thought of a drink is no longer part of my thinking process and I can go through a lot of other areas of my life and be free. This is a great gift. My home group is the Free Spirit Group, located in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. We're the only requirement for membership there with pinky rings, sunglasses, and gold jewelry. We changed how it works into how you're doing. And my home group, if you yell out, hey Tony, how you doing? 25 guys turn around. I'll always share this story, the type of people God put me in contact with at the beginning. They decided to go fishing one day. None of them had been fishing, but they decided to go fishing. And me being a new guy in the pack, they took me along. So how do five guys from Bensonhurst get dressed to go fishin'? Like this. I mean, we were on the boat and they're going, hey, my shoes, you're gettin' them wet, you know? These are the type of guys you yell out, land ho, and they say, hey, don't talk about my mother. But so we set sail that That day, we were out on the boat. Out by Sheepshead Bay, we're out on the boat about an hour or two and the only thing we caught so far was a cold. My friend Sour Boy had the reel or whatever thing to see. I don't know what I'm talking about. That thing in the water to catch the fish, right? Anyway, he grabbed something. He's pulling and he's pulling and the thing's getting heavier and heavier and he can't pull it on board and we're hoping it's not someone from the neighborhood that was on a long vacation. Anyway, we pulled this fish on board and it's flipping and flapping from side to side and they're trying to hold it down. Who's throwing punches, kicks at it? Anyway, Sally Boy grabs the fish in a bear hug and sticks his head underwater and I said, Sally, what are you doing? He said, I'm going to drown them. These were my spiritual leaders at the beginning. God has a sense of humor. I was looking for like gurus and he put Sally Boy in my life. to tell you in a general way what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now and what I'm trying to be like a day at a time experiencing Alcoholics Anonymous and experiencing this message of recovery. My first drink came when I was about 14 years old. I grew up in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. And my first drink, I remember like it happened a week ago. My friends were hanging out just off the corner on 75th Street and 20th Avenue across from a church called St. Dominic's Church. And St. Dominic's was not yet built. It was a bunch of storefronts opened up into this makeshift church, and my friends were drinking beer. It was Saturday night. There was a feast happening for the church, and they were passing around a quart of cold 45 beer. And as they were drinking, I watched them, and they seemed to be joyous, happy, and free drinking beer They seemed to me having a great time. And I remember what I experienced up until that first drunk, and that was a lot of inadequacy, a lot of insecurity about myself, never feeling I could measure up, restless, discontented most often. There were lots of things that happened to me as a young boy that no child should ever experience. Lots of things I had saw, lots of thing I had heard that no children should ever hear or see. But I did and I kind of felt like the entire neighborhood knew about these deep dark secrets. The best way to describe how I felt about myself on the inside growing up was dirty. And it was extremely difficult for me to mix in and pack into the mainstream like I'm sometimes or most times able to do now, thank God. Back then it was an extremely difficult task. I'd get in and get out right away because the voices would start. The voices would stop, and I just didn't feel like I could measure up and then get out of there. This Saturday night was certainly no different. My friends were drinking Colt 45 beer and having a really good time, and I wanted to get in there and pack into the mainstream and do what they were doing. There were two thoughts that were going along with all these other thoughts in my mind, and one was that my dad would definitely drive up. And he had warned me many times about hanging out with the bums on the corner. Don't bring any of those girls by at his house. I was going to become a product of my environment. And I was deadly afraid of my dad. In fact, until I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and start to live this life and made a direct amends to my dad and continued to live this life back then if my dad walked in the door I'd jump out the window I was so afraid of this guy so when he told me about hanging out with those bums on the corner and not to catch me doing certain things, I was really reluctant to drink because I thought he was going to drive up jump out of the car and knock me from one end of the avenue to the other and I did not want that and I said to myself if he don't show up, I know, I know the cops are driving up. They're going to turn around the corner, jump out of the car, handcuff me, give me a beating and send me to jail. I'm going to go like to Attica for 20 years for drinking cold 45 beer in the corner. I was, I walked in fear my entire life until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And back then that's how it was. I don't know why till this very moment but I put my hand in there and I took a few pops of cold 45 gear. It went down, hit my gut and nothing happened to me at all. My dad didn't drive up, nor did the cops. My friends were still there. Everything was okay. So on that I took a few more pops and I took a fewmore and I started to experience something I never ever experienced before and that was what our doctor's opinion talks about, a sense of ease and comfort by taking just a few drinks, drinks I saw others taking with impunity. For the very first time I felt like I was back in my skin, the vibrating stopped, the voices went away and I was in the moment. I was in the moment. Everything was perfect. I continued to drink, and I continued to drink. And I start to get to that place out there that's indescribably wonderful that's perfect. I got that glow. My friends became the greatest guys in the world. I suddenly turned into like the Don of the neighborhood. Everybody was there to pay respects to me. And I got to be about 6'2", 220 drinking beer. And every girl on the corner wanted to be with me in the worst way as I drank. What are you laughing at? this was a great thing I love this I felt good about me for the first time the other thing I'll always share is this was spring summer time and January 23rd of that same year my mom who I think ought to be in here with us celebrating life as we do a day at a time didn't get this message But she got a very clear message from alcoholism, and that was after over and over andover experiencing that incomprehensible demoralization and many attempts at taking her life, she finally succeeded. And that's where alcoholism brought her to. And I was completely leveled by that. As I said a moment ago, I'd been homeless and arrested too long and too many times. I've experienced horrific consequences at the hands of alcohol. I bought that. When she passed, I didn't. and I was completely level. My design for living was taken right out of my life and I had no idea what to do. I also think that God and I back here somewhere parted ways. I was furious with God. How could you do this to me? My world revolved around this woman, sick or not. And that was just taken away from me and it took me a long time in Alcoholics Anonymous to share how angry I was at God for that. But that's what happened. When I got drunk that Saturday night that pain was also removed. That was taken from me. So Colt .45B was doing great things for me. There were no consequences either the first time I got fired up. I didn't get into any of the situations that I have heard many of us share over the years. On the first drunk, terrible consequences. Nothing like that happened to me. In fact, I remember the whole night I went home, went to bed, got up the next morning, you know, no hangover. I didnít sew my clothes. I didníd get sick on my clothes because there were no fistfights, no strange relationships. I was going to have a lot of shamed relationships down the road. I could never figure this out. When I was in the bar drinking, she would suddenly look like Bo Derek. And then the next morning, she looked more like Bo Diddley, and I would wonder how that happened. There was some sort of transformation that happened But I went down to a place called Sethlow Park for Sunday morning basketball games. And I remember walking into the park. My shoulders were a little bit wider that morning. I had a bit of a swagger. I was very much impressed with what I had done. I had found my solution Saturday night. No one else was impressed, but I know I was. Bill says in his story, I had arrived. Saturday night drinking Colt 45 beer, I arrived. I became part of life at last. I had my passage into manhood. This was the solution to my problems. I didn't know back then on the first drunk the road I had just stepped on. It was called alcoholism and it was paved right to hell. I had no idea what was waiting for me. And here's the hook. Even if I did, I couldn't stop. I could not stop. I had no idea about this thing called a mental obsession that makes me an alcoholic. No idea about it. That when I wasn't drinking all I could think about was drinking. I would get in terrible trouble on a Monday as a direct result of drinking and Tuesday my mind would tell me Monday wasn't that bad. It would lie to me over and over again. My mind would lie to me and at the end the truth almost killed me. It would convince me. Page 24 in my big book tells me this over and over and over again. The most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. I had many powerful desires to stop drinking. Somewhere, my mind convinced me it was going to be different this time. The almost certain consequence that took even taking a glass of beer did not crowd into my mind not once. If they did, they were kind of like pushed on the side like, it won't be that bad. So I'll tell this to a newcomer, forget about thinking through. Think the drink through. You know why? Because if it doesn't work one time, you're dead. God could and would if he was so and that's the solution. Lack of power, got to find a power by which we can live. The other part of this illness was this physical allergy, this phenomenon of craving. Whenever I drank, the craving was always intensified. It was never satisfied. More was the next drink and I suffer from this thing called the spiritual malady. Somewhere I got sick, and I don't think my God or your God puts us in this world spiritually imperfect. In fact, I believe we come here spiritually perfect because if not, I've got a cruel and unjust God. My God's a loving and caring God. Somewhere I Got Sick, I picked up a drink, all bets were off. I've been homeless, and a panhandle, been arrested, a lot of things. That's not what makes me an alcoholic. That's part of my own manageability. Those three things are what make me a drunk, make me real alcoholic, an alcoholic of our type. Today I feel blessed to be an alcoholic of our type, to be a real alcoholic because I've been given such great information here. I remember I started drinking on Saturdays and it became Friday and Saturday then it became Saturday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and suddenly I was experiencing some terrible consequences as a result of my drinking. I mean I would leave the house and leave my two kid brothers home and my dad was out either dating or socializing with his friends and I would come home oftentimes drunk and very ugly and dumping a lot of earthy language on my kid brothers about the terrible deck of cards God had given me. And what they would do was tell my dad about it and the next day he would give me the riot act. See, what was happening is my family was starting to experience my alcoholism. My kid brothers who looked up to me, even idolized me started to become afraid of me And my dad, little by slowly, had no idea now what was going to walk in the door. And so he would give me the riot act about hanging out with the bums on the corner, I better get my life together, and give me many, many warnings. Never went anywhere. The biggest problem with my drinking back then was their problem with mine drinking. I started to drink during the week. I was a wannabe musician. I tried to play some basketball. So after practice we'd get some beers and crack some beers. Making music, my hero I remember went from like Mickey Mantle to Keith Richards and I wanted to be like Keith. So, you know, we'd start drinking to make music and suddenly I was drinking all the time and I started to experience a loss of control when I was drinking. I started experiencing some more consequences. My family moved from Brooklyn to Staten Island. And I would come to what Bill talks about in his story when the morning terror and madness were on him. It started to be on me in the morning. I started To experience that. And I needed money to go get fired up because I knew it was waiting for me if I didn't get a drink and I was going to start to get sick. So what alcoholism did was turn me into a coward, not a tough guy, not a hero, but a coward. And like a coward I stole from people who loved me. I didn't think anything of it back then. And the first person I sought to steal from was my dad. He always kept lots of money on him. And I would lay in bed and wait for him to go down for breakfast and sneak into his bedroom like a coward would and go into his parents' pocket and take out some money and he would see me for breakfast and like any caring parent would ask their kid, do you need any money for today? And I would tell my dad, I can use a few bucks. And he'd go back upstairs, go into his pants pocket and give me some money. And I'd go out the door. I did this for a little bit of time. I had two kid brothers who were working and had part-time jobs and they would save their money in the house. And what I would do is go through the drawers, go underneath the mattress wherever they had money saved and I would take money from them. You know, if there's 50 bucks, 30's half, it's coming with me. And then one morning I got up and I was sick again and I needed some money to go get fired up. Everyone was sleeping. I remember this one, and I'm going through the drawers like a madman looking for something I can hock, money I can take, anything, and I discovered my dad's checkbook. So I got the brainstorm about, you know, forging his name on one of the checks and going down to the bodega at a liquor store. I get fired off this way. Not once, not once thinking of the consequences because this was what I had to do, and I did that for a very short time. I didn't know anything about checking statements. He got all this stuff back. He got a handful of checks back in his checking statement, and he came looking for me. I knew I was in serious trouble when I heard he was looking for me, and he caught me over in Manhattan by the South Bridge Towers, across from the Brooklyn Bridge. I was sitting in the car with a girl, and he drove up, jumped out of the car, and hollered my name, and I was looking for a boat to China. I knew that I was going to die. I knew it was in trouble, and I remember instead of driving away, I hopped out of the car and I started running away. He caught me, and what I did was, like a coward, was came up with a lot of these fake tears. You know, I blamed the girl in the car and the guys in the neighborhood and he wasn't buying any of it. I was off to my first rehab. And I spent 28 days in this rehab, this really nice place in Long Island, and I did push-ups and sit-ups. I talked about, I learned words like inner child, dysfunctional family, and enablers. These are great words to keep me drunk and to keep blaming those people. I always share, how dare I get in front of a podium, an Alcoholics Anonymous and say I come from a dysfunctional family. I'm an Alcoholic Anonymous, not them. Whether my family gave me money, denied me money took me in or threw me out they did whatever they could with what they had this is all they knew. Forget about enablers. When my dad would give me money it was to help me not to hurt me. When he denied me, when he denied my money it was for him to help not to harm me. Forget about the enabler. my big book is really clear in step four how to disregard the other person involved entirely how dare I stand in front of a room with Alcoholics Anonymous and they're not even here to defend themselves this is my inventory anyway, I went off to this rehab in Long Island after 28 days I got out and I picked up a drink and I was right back in that same vicious cycle I didn't concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic I just went there to get my dad and my family off my back I looked great when I got out. I cracked a bottle, the liquor went down, the allergy took over, and I was right back in that same cycle again, right back to hell. And I start to experience more consequences. I remember being out on the street for a while and I made shortly afterwards my second rehab and I start zu experience things that I never thought I would experience before. My dad would ask me to come home at a certain time. I forgot how to count until time. I would come home every couple of days. I would come home every few days and look to see what I can steal from my house. I would comes home every a few days, and maybe take a shower. I got a job on the Brooklyn waterfront, and I start to bring my alcoholism wherever I went, and my family start to experience my untreated alcoholism. And they didn't do anything. So my dad who was a foreman on the waterfront was a boss his whole life had this impeccable reputation start to experiencing shame and embarrassment because of me and my behavior. And there were many times I would do a lot of illegal activities on the waterfront all for the price of a drink, never once thinking about the consequences and borrowing money off of people that I had no right being in the same neighborhood with and over and over again my dad would have to get in there and get things taken care of to keep my job. I made my third rehab. I made myself a new job. I made me my fourth rehab. I remember living with a girl over in Staten Island up above a motel, up above one of those nightclubs in one of these motels. And it was one of These places that you check in and you're out in a few hours. And I decided this was going to be my home with this woman. And she was a barmaid downstairs. And at this point, I was pretty much just living in bed and praying to die. Bill says in his story that the courage to do battle was not there. And I start to experience this stuff. Because my life revolved around alcohol, and it turned in its flight like a boomerang and was cutting me to ribbons. My family was now keeping me out of the house. They wanted nothing to do with me. I was getting in trouble wherever I went because of drinking, and I wound up in this fleabag motel, and this girl who I was seeing was a barmaid, and she would sneak up through the back and bring me up Jack Daniels with water on a tray, and I'd wait for the next one, and she Would come up, and I downed that to stop the shaking, and I lived in bed like this. I didn't want to go out. I became paranoid, and I was afraid to go out. All the blinds were drawn. This is what alcoholism reduced me to, and it was to get worse. I remember there was one day I couldn't do it anymore. I was already experiencing the bitter end. I could not do it any more. And I found I was going through her purse to steal from her. And what I found was what was left of a bottle of Valium. And I remember saying, this will be my solution. I'm just checking out. And I threw the Valium down, and I washed it down with Jack Daniels, and I waited to die. Alcoholism loved this. This is exactly what it wanted. It wants me dead, settle for me drunk, be happy in either situation. I could not do it anymore. Now, when my mom took her life, I remember there was a part of me saying, how could you do that? How could you actually do that ? What place are we brought to that that looks like the solution? I can never understand it. Alcoholism gave me the answer because when I was in this flea bag motel, that became my solution and I remember thinking this is exactly what she felt. No hope. This is it. This is what alcoholism does. It brought me to the bitter end where taking my life seemed like the only way out. Thank the good Lord he had other plans for me. Thank the Good Lord. I got thrown out of this motel and I went to live with my grandparents and I got drawn out of there for stealing by the way And I went to live with my grandparents, and I brought my untreated alcoholism into my grandparents' life. And I started to steal from them, started to stealing my grandfather's homemade wine he would make, whatever wasn't nailed down. And one morning I came home after about a two- or three-day drunk, and my grandmother said to me, I can't let you come back here anymore because I don't know what kind of diseases you're going to bring into this house. She was becoming afraid of me. This sweet little Italian woman, it was like getting hit with a steel chair. And once again, once again I experienced alcoholism. One of the consequences of alcoholism and I remember thinking in my mind how could she tell this to me? And I hated this woman back then I would never tell her but I was thinking some very, very ugly language and out the door I went and I bounced around and I started to live in the streets for a while I hit my fifth rehab by the way and I always share about my fifth because I really learned about the loss of power, choice and control we talk about in step one that step one tells me I'm drinking. Step one is not a solution. That's what I found. I remember going into my fifth rehab, and my dad got me this apartment in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. He furnished the place, toiletries, put food in the refrigerator, all of it. Right before I moved into this apartment, I went off to my fifth rehabilitation and I spent nine weeks in this rehab physically separated from alcohol. I was physically separated from alcohol for nine weeks. I got out on a Saturday, and Monday I was drunk again. And what I have found out is this, that being physically separated from alcohol just means I'm physically separated from alcohol has nothing to do with recovery from alcoholism. Don't drink and go to meetings. Are you kidding me or what? If I had the power just to not drink, why would I have to come to meetings? I'd stay home and not drink. And I experienced that, being separated from alcohol for 9 weeks. Saturday I'm out. Monday I'm drunk and I'm right back in the same vicious cycle wondering how this happened. My dad who set me up with this apartment, I remember the look in his eyes when he left me. I didn't know then but I know now. It was fear as to when am I going to do it again. They knew I was going. My deluded mind was telling me I'll be okay. In fact, I'll have a couple of drinks and then figure out my life. I sold everything in this apartment. The first thing that went was the TV, the clock radio my dad bought me to wake up to go to work in the morning. I had some dress clothes he bought me, I sold them. I sold everything that I could possibly sell in the place and then I had like the Lower East Side living in there. I've heard people say how we had the Bowery in our kitchens, in our living rooms. I had, like, the Lower West Side in there It was a horror place. It was completely... I was devastated living in that. It became a dungeon and I don't give that lip service. I think about it now and I get the shivers thinking how I was living and how I live now. I wake up with clean sheets next to a woman I adore in a very nice house, part of this fellowship free. How did I live like that back then? It's exactly what alcoholism wanted. I was living in this dungeon. Bathing was the last thing on my mind. Drinking was the first thing on mine mind. So forget about bathing because I was always drinking. I had garbage piled up all over the floor. I had laundry piled as high as this table. Filthy laundry. I stopped bathing. I was sleeping in a bed that was soiled, cigarette holes in it. No sheets, no pillowcases, just a filthy, soiled mattress. This is how I lived. And if I had a drink in me, the place didn't look that bad. I was living one might say to drink and that was it. This became my life. And when I didn't, I became violently ill. I experienced morning terror and madness all the time. I experienced humiliation not once in a while, all the times. because I had to go out on the streets and do a lot of ugly things for the price of a drink so that I can straighten out because I knew what was going to happen to me when I didn't get a drink in me. I had lost contact with my family, and I also got thrown out of this apartment. I got thrown OUT, by the way, because rent stopped being paid, obviously. I started to steal from this landlord. And then one morning I woke up, and I remember trying to come up with an idea to get money, and I didnít have the strength to go OUT and steal anymore. And I came across this closet with power tools in the closet. And so I took them out, and I sold them in Sunset Park, Brooklyn, like I sold everything else in the place. I was not allowed back in this place. Somewhere in there, I spent about a day and a half of my sixth rehab. And I remember counselors sitting down with me at a table, begging me not to leave because I wanted to sign myself out. I think they call it AMA or something like this. And they begged me not zu lieb. They said, you're going to pick up a drink. You ain't coming back. The obsession to drink alcohol was so overwhelming that the craving that was going on inside of me, I was still experiencing the last drunk. The medication they were giving me just had me shaking more. I had to go out and over the wall. I signed myself out, and I hit the streets. And now I was homeless. And I experienced incomprehensible demoralization on the streets I experienced the bitter end. It was a complete horror show. I'm not a tough guy. The streets destroyed me. And if you know, if any of us have been on the streets one night, it's too long for anyone. There's a strange thing that happened to me. I remember realizing the first night that I'm homeless and I've got to get a drink in me. When I was a kid growing up, I'd say, geez, I wish my dad would get off my back and just let me run wild. Now I had no one to report to. There was no home to go back to. I was in the streets and no one cared. And it was the most frightening feeling I've ever experienced, It's one of the most frightening feelings I've ever experienced. I said, if I die, who's going to know? I don't even matter anymore. It was awful. It was a very strange... I remember that. It was an awful time for me. But I had to go get money to go getting a drink and I would panhandle by the Manhattan Bridge over in Manhattan and I was a longshoreman for a lot of years and I flagged down these truck drivers that I knew and flagged them down and told them I need money for gas in my car and I'm standing there with holes in my pants and holes in My shoes and not having taken a shower in a while, falling apart, dying of untreated alcoholism and telling them I need some money for gas in the car. And I remember them throwing me money, some telling me I'll pray for you, they should pop know you're down here, and I would go about my business. I found out about bootleggers on East Broadway. When the bars were closed, you'd go into the projects, you paid twice the price, but you'd get a jug. I found that about things like that, and that's how I was living. I wound up outside the Port Authority one day and I don't know to this very moment how I got there but there I was outside the Port Authority on the 9th Avenue side of the Port authority and I had what I think we all experience and that is a moment of clarity that moment of clarity I am convinced I'm convinced it's God's infinite mercy serving us our truth our big book talks about what at first seemed to be a flimsy read proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God and that was it that moment of clarity hold on I'll pull you out. And that's what was served to me outside the Port Authority. On the 9th Avenue side of the Port authority, I'll never forget it. And what I did with that moment of clarity was curse God. I hated God back then for everything you did to me. You took my mom. You turned me into this. My family doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. I'm unemployable. I'm a bum. I hate you. And I remember screaming lots of four-letter words at God for doing this to me, doing this to my family and on and on and on God didn't care that I cursed him he's too loving and too caring and too powerful and what he did with this I was a wounded child of God like all of us and what He did like any of His children was brush me off and put me on His lap and hold me because it was a short time later I was in another hallway and I was at the bitter end and had this moment of clarity and I knew then another drink I'd die It was that clear to me. And I had conceded to my innermost self a while ago, this was just made abundantly clear to me that I was in serious trouble. And I don't give that lip service. And this time, I begged from the bottom of my heart, Father, if you're out there, please take me from this. Save me. I don' t want to die like this. I do' n't want to die. God didn' t say, you know, six rehabs, you cursed me, you burned every bridge I put in front of you, you're route. What he did was open his arms and took me. and put me in Alcoholics Anonymous. And there was a series of circumstances that happened, a series events that happened here. I remember after making that plea to God, I kept thinking, I had like this moment of sanity. Without being pretentious, if that's the right word, I always related to Bill walking in a hotel lobby, drink, what do I do? Drink, what Do I do ? Make a phone call. I'm in this hallway and I get this idea, call my dad. I got hit with a moment of clarity. I got hits with a minute of clarity and I got hurt with a moment of sanity and I went to the phone to call my dad because I'm thinking he's the only guy who's going to pull me out of this. God works through people we hear in Alcoholics Anonymous but it isn't only people in Alcoholic Anonymous, it's people. It's a spouse, it's a child, it's an employer, it's policeman, whoever. But God puts these people, these Eskimos in front of us to save us, these lifeguards. For me it was my dad and I remember going to the throne a few times to call him collect and every time I would call him, I would start to cry. I couldn't make the phone call. He happened to be in Atlantic City gambling. He has a feeling that I'm in trouble and he's with his wife and he tells her, I have to get back to Brooklyn because my kid's in trouble and so they drive back to Oakland. And he found me. He found me over on 16th Avenue, if anyone's familiar with that area, 16th Avenue and around 68th Street. He found we running through the streets. I saw him, I froze he got out of the car but he didn't scream my name this time and he didn' t run across the street looking to give me a beating what he did was he just called my name he walked across the Street and I remember telling him Dad, I'm okay I'll be okay don't worry about it I'm standing there ready to die and that lasted about I don't know a very short time and I remembered almost collapsing in his arms and this time my dad had every right to knock me from one end of the avenue to the other for what I had done. But he didn't, because God works through people. And what he did was hold on to me, and this I remember, because I was very aware of it at the time. My dad's not that type of guy. But I remember him holding on to my heart and telling me that I was going to be okay. You'll be all right. You'll do okay. And I remember feeling safe for the first time in many, many years holding on to my dad. The same type of safety and love I feel in Alcoholics Anonymous. What you guys have done for me, given me this new life. My dad told me about a guy on the job on the waterfront who he found out was sober two years and went off to Minnesota and recovered. And my dad figured that's the potion. We'll send you to Minnesota. And I had to go detox and I was in this detox back in Long Island for the 7th and God willing last time and after about 10 days of being in this Detox, I start to experience the insidious insanity of the first drink. See, my spirit was not yet awakened. I still had the mind of an alcoholic and I wanted to stop drinking in the worst way but my mind was still sick And after about 10 days, I wanted to get out of there and go drink again. Just one more Jack Daniels. One more Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy. Just onemore Bacardi. Just something just to settle me down. Then I can go to group and talk about my inner child, dysfunctional family, and my neighbors. That didn't happen, thank God. What they did was they sent me off to Minnesota, God's country. And people out there were in the life-saving business, not always the friend-making business. and they told me I've tried everything that it was suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience would conquer I've cried every other way this was it if you want we have to offer you do what we tell you to do you'll recover like we have see their recovery was so important to them they didn't let anyone read that big book for them they didn' t water or gobble this message they knew here's a wounded person coming in we gotta get him help right away and it wasn't because I walked in the door it was another drunk walking in the doorway in order to keep this we need to pass it on. They had something to transmit. I'm so grateful and they disturbed me many times on the question of alcoholism, many times, but I knew they were giving me the truth. They were giving me the real deal. They spoke, as Bob said about Bill, my language. They knew where I was and they knew how to get out. Identification, one drunk to another and I'll say this once and once only. If I need to talk about drugs at an AA meeting I'm probably at the wrong meeting. Thank God for singleness of purpose. I spent about 10 months in alcoholics in Minnesota and I was making lots of meetings out there and I came home and I brought to my home group the free spirit group and I met my sponsor there a couple of things happened to me I remember getting on the plane to go to Minnesota and as I was getting on the plane going through that little tunnel watching my family I remember turning around and looking at my dad who was trying not to cry and my kid brother who was crying and him telling me please get better and as I hit the plane, I made a plea to God, please get me better because I've got to give back. I've Got to Give Back to My Family. Look what I did with them. I realized the devastation I caused in their life. I came home from Minnesota and I met my appointed teacher. He's a cross between Joe Pesci and Danny DeVito and his name is Anthony. So he introduced me to this book once again and we began this journey through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's been almost 14 years since my last drink and my family has been reassembled. This awakened spirit that God and you have given me has touched the lives of others. And I feel so privileged, I feel så blessed for that. I have a sponsor, he has a sponsor. I'm working with four guys right now and it's an ever-widening circle, a day at a time. My hope is to always stay teachable and Alcoholics Anonymous and give this message away with the same love and gratitude that has been given to me a day at a time. When I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm convinced now that I walked into a room filled with God's grace and each and every one of you are the living grace of God and I feel privileged to be here and I have about probably five minutes and I will share a story. I ran into a friend the other night and she reminded me of this and I'll share a story and wrap it up. Fifteen? Okay. Never tell an alcoholic they've got plenty of time to talk. Let me start over. I have experienced many blessings going through these 12 principles, and I had an experience, and it has to do with our 11th step, with prayer meditation. when i was out there um really uh at the end of the rope i made many pleas to to god uh to take my life and if you don't do that can you please make my mom show up one time i just want to hold on to her and i promise you do that for me and i'll never drink again i just wanna hold her just once more obviously that didn't happen i get sober 1988 and i found myself i don't know why but just move, like that intuitive voice, that quiet voice that just guides us to do things, had me going to church, not mass, but church, and lighting candles. I don't know why. And I would light two candles. One was for the sick and suffering in and out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and the other one was for my mom. And I Would Make Prayers to Her. Anyway, I Was Doing This For About Eight Or Nine Years and One Morning I Went Into Meditation and I was in there for quite some time and I had an experience that has completely revolutionized my life, completely changed my conception about this God and what goes on after we leave here and what goes on while we're in here, Alcoholics Anonymous. The miracles I've experienced here, I don't know if they happen out there. I know they happen in here because I've seen them with my eyes. I was doing meditation and I found myself sitting on this beach and off on the horizon where the water meets the sand the sky meets the water appeared my conception of a higher power and he walked towards me and out of him appeared my mom and I remember from being an adult I was this little eight year old kid and she knelt down and I'm going to and I know that's what I remember her holding on to me and me holding on to her and she had tears coming down her face I knew they were tears of joy. They weren't tears of sorrow. I remember standing up and being an adult again, and my conception of a higher power put his arm around me. There were no words spoken through this entire experience, but his eyes expressed the most peace and love I've ever experienced in my entire life. It was just so settling. And what he told me, and then she pointed to the other side on the horizon, and there were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of flights lit up like a Manhattan skyline. And she looked at me, and she held on to me once more. I remember holding on to her again, and I remember not wanting to let go. She stepped back. There was, like, she had a smile, and her and my higher power walked away. They became one, and I came out of meditation. And I remember being very, feeling very emotional about this and very, very exhausted, very moved by the whole experience. But I was also a little confused. And what I did was I called up my sponsor, and I shared this experience with him. And he told me, haven't you been lighting candles for your mom for about eight or nine years now? And I says, yeah. He said, she let you know she got them. She finally got them, and that has completely revolutionized my thinking about a lot of things here and what goes on when we leave here. this is the greatest gift I'll ever receive in my entire life, Alcoholics Anonymous. I was brought to this fellowship, I found the program, and you guys gave me a loving God. I owe my life to you. I hope I can always give back to you also. Thanks for listening. Thank you.