Willingness as the Only Tool Left in the Box – Peter M.

About This Speaker Tape

Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. A Saturday night on the corner of 75th and 20th. A quart of cold Colt 45 beer and the sudden, dangerous realization that the vibrating stopped and the voices went away. Peter M. describes the "glow" of that first drink—a fake passage into manhood that led him straight to a dungeon of his own making.

He traces the wreckage: seven rehabs, stealing from his own father, and living in a fleabag motel where he washed down Valium with Jack Daniels just to stop the shaking. He speaks of the "incomprehensible demoralization" of the streets, panhandling from truck drivers while wearing shoes full of holes. After cursing a Higher Power from the sidewalk of 9th Avenue, he hit a bitter end that left him with no tools but willingness. From the waterfronts of Brooklyn to a recovery center in Minnesota, Peter describes the shift from seeking relief—which he calls "holding on for dear life"—to finding a neutrality that finally set him free.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction of Peter M. and his struggle with traffic on the way to the meeting.
• 4:15 Laughter: Peter describes the 'Free Spirit Group' in Brooklyn and their gold jewelry.
• 6:30 Peter recalls his first drink of Colt 45 at age 14 and the feeling of finally being 'in his skin'.
• 11:45 Discussion of the 'mental obsession' and the lie the mind tells the alcoholic.
• 16:20 Peter describes stealing from his father and brothers, and the subsequent forging of checks.
• 21:10 Critique of rehab language regarding 'dysfunctional families' and 'enablers' in relation to Step 4.
• 27:40 The 'dungeon' apartment: living in filth and selling everything to keep drinking.
• 33:15 Moment of clarity outside the Port Authority and his plea to a Higher Power.
• 38:50 The journey to Minnesota for recovery and the importance of identification.
• 44:10 Step 11: Peter describes a profound meditative experience and a vision of his mother.