Willingness and the Radical Act of Saying Yes – Maya E.

About This Speaker Tape

Hiding behind a pillar five years ago, Maya E. was terrified she would lose her mind in Zen meditation. She had thirteen years of sobriety but no daily practice, a volatile financial mess, and a history of "gook shit" clinging to her. She describes a past marked by the wreckage of a marriage to a heroin-addicted cousin in Yugoslavia and a long list of drugs used to medicate a deep-rooted belief of unworthiness.

Maya speaks of "watering the seeds" of her store consciousness, moving from the seed of shame to the seed of consistency. She admits to a period of defiance where she tried to force recovery through rigid 5 a.m. sittings, only to beat herself up when she failed. By embracing the radical act of saying yes to her Higher Power and a community, she shifted from living "from the neck up" to sinking into the physical discomfort of old wounds. Now, she focuses on the breath to burn away the karma of the past.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Maya introduces the concept of Right Effort and the Eightfold Path.
• 3:10 Laughter: Maya describes Googling 'losing your mind' in Zen meditation.
• 4:20 Maya discusses her pattern of running to Hazelden to feel fine without changing habitual patterns.
• 6:15 Maya discusses her experience with Nicotine Anonymous and the discomfort of quitting smoking.
• 8:30 Maya describes the grief of childhood political displacement from Croatia.
• 9:45 Maya details the shame of her financial volatility and misuse of sexuality.
• 11:00 Maya recounts cashing in tuition to go to Yugoslavia and marrying her heroin-addicted cousin, Mick M.
• 14:30 Maya discusses 'watering the seeds' of compassion versus the seeds of shame.
• 17:10 Maya describes her struggle with defiance and the role of her sponsor.
• 19:45 Maya discusses the importance of consistency and the 12 Steps.
• 22:10 Maya reflects on her long list of drugs used and her history with heroin.
• 25:30 Maya discusses the difference between feeling anger in the head versus feeling it in the body.