Willingness and Making Amends – BB Workshop – Part 8 of 14 – Bill L.

Hi, everyone. My name is Mike. I am an alcoholic. We ended last week with the fifth step. As a matter of fact, we spent the entire evening on the fifth step and we ended with the last paragraph on the bottom of page 75. And I'll just review that because that's a nice way to propel right into step six. It says, returning home after a fifth step, bottom of 75. We find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. And notice it says an hour. And when a big book gives me a time reference, I heed to it. Personally, what I do is I take out my timer and I set it for 60 minutes. not 55, not 65 but 60 minutes and I answer the questions here and I combine that with meditation and I still do that to this day the first fifth step I did I skimped over this part I missed it somehow I don't know if I ignored it or if it wasn't pointed out to me or what have you but I didn't do it and I paid the price for it I'll just talk about this now since we're going to talk about 6 and 7 anyway. My first time through the steps at about six months sober, I literally remember telling someone that, well, I'm just going to stay on 6 and 6 for a while because I'm really not willing to look at 8 and 9. And at least I could be that honest, but it was a real detriment to my spiritual growth. But I literally remember telling the person that I'm going to use 6 and 7 as a roadblock because 8 and 9 frightens me. And what I know that to be about today is I lost my connection with the first step. I knowthat today. And possibly when we get to 9 I can show you something. I can hook us all back to the first step. It's really powerful. So anyway, I do this for an hour and I review what I did in my fifth step and in the preceding steps. I thank God from the bottom of my heart that I know God better. I turn to the page which contains the 12 steps and that's page 59. I carefully read the first five proposals and with each one I ask if I have admitted anything. So what that looks like is I turn to page 59 and I look at the first step and I read it and at times I've read it out loud and I say we admit it we're powerless over alcohol dash, that our lives have become unmanageable and I take a look at the work that I did with the first steps I take a look at the allergic reaction that my body has to alcohol. I take look at my mental obsession, the mental obsession that precedes the first drink. And I take the look at spiritual malady today as I am today. And I review that. And I ask myself these questions. Have I admitted anything? So with this first step, have I admitted anything from my first step? Is there any lurking notion that somehow, someday, I might be able to drink like other people? And I consider that fact and I take a look at it. And then it goes on to say, For we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man or woman at last. And it goes On to ask more questions. Is my work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? And again, last week we looked at the idea of the foundation, the cornerstone and the keystone, which are nothing more than the first three steps. But it wasn't until probably about a year or two ago I learned about another stone that I'm able to look at today. And it's talked about in the seventh chapter in our twelfth step. and it talks about the foundation stone and what that foundation stone is is a reference to the 12th step but what I can do with that is take a look at how I've been 12th stepped because this is a stone that is in my foundation and my foundation is comprised of multiple foundation stones so I take a Look at how I was 12 step I take a look at the guidance and sponsors I have in my life today and I take another look at how I'm 12 stepping others and that's just another stone I get to look at to see if all my stones are properly in place I didn't do that for the first few years I went through this work it says have I skimped on the cement put into the foundation and have I tried to make mortar without sand? And I think we pretty much covered that last week. Now on the top of page 76, and again this is all anything that I'm going to be talking about to do with 6 and 7, the basis of it happens immediately after a fifth step. It happens after I take this quiet hour of review. And then I'm going to hopefully show you guys how to not only take the sixth and seventh step after you've completed your fifth step, but how I use six and seven today along with my morning prayer meditation and my evening review. 6 and 7 are not steps that we just take one time they're ongoing things they're logically interwoven with the 10th and the 11th step so it says on the top of 76 if I can answer to my satisfaction I then look at step 6 if I can answer what? If I can answer the questions on the bottom of 75 to my satisfaction not anybody else's. I got to admit to my innermost self where I'm at today. So if I answer all these questions in the affirmative I move on to step 6 if I can't. If I'm missing something here if I forgot to go or something with my sponsor or the person I'm sharing my fifth step with, I give them a call or I see them face to face and I tell them what I missed. Or if I'm having a problem with the first step, I get clear on that and I do more work with that. Or, if I have another piece of inventory that needs to be written, I do that and then I move on to six and seven immediately. I don't know if it's said too much today but it was eight or nine years ago when I first came into the fellowship this business about work a step a year and I tell you if I were to work if I work a year today first of all I wouldn't even be on a men's yet but if I spend that type of procrastination with six and seven and I'm going to get sicker than I was before I started writing inventory. So I pay close attention to the time warnings in the book. So if we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six, top of 76th day. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. principle. So that's going to be a guiding principle in the sixth step, willingness. Now if I've done an honest and thorough inventory, if I have done an honest and through fifth step and I've admitted the exact nature of my wrongs, defects, shortcomings, what have you to another person or persons, chances are I'm going to be willing to have these things cast out. I'm going to be willing to having a power greater than myself remove these blocks from me. I can't remember ever doing a fifth step where I said, except maybe for that first one I told you guys about, but after that I can remember doing a sixth step and saying, nah, I'm gonna hold on to these things for a while. They're really assets. These things are really working for me. If that was the case, there wouldn't have been a need to go through the fourth and fifth steps. So my experience is when I get through with a fifth step and I take that hour of review, that is prime time to do six and seven. And I pass this on to people that I work with. Don't wait. Do it right away. Because Bill often says this, barefoot Bill, he often says that if I wait a week or two after a fifth step to do any work with six or seven, the inventory that I just wrote won't look that bad. The fifth step that I took that I've just took won't be that powerful. And my ego will start grabbing hold of these things and saying, well, you weren't that bad. You don't have to really do this. And lo and behold, I'm not doing six and seven. Lo and behold I'm not making my amends. And lo and behold. I'm creating harms out in the universe that I just got done writing about on inventory. So willingness is indispensable. Now it asks a couple questions. Are we now ready? There's another guiding principle and the sixth step. So, so far we have willingness and am I ready? Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? That's the first question. The second question is, can He now take them all, every one? I add a third question to that. in addition to am I now ready to let God remove all the things that I've just admitted objectionable and can He now take them all, everyone? I add a third one. Will God take them off, everyone for me as I am? Just having read this horrific inventory to someone else another man says it another way with all this mud on my face am am I ready to let God take all the defects of character but more importantly for me today do I believe that he will and it goes on to say if we still cling to something we will not let go we ask God to help us be willing again there's that willingness again so let's say I have a list of 25 character defects just pulling another out of the air and let's say 20 of those I have complete willingness to be rid of but 5 of them I'm still jerking around a little bit I'm stall holding on to I can still move on I can still move on to the seventh step with those twenty and just continue to pray for the willingness for those five now I've had this experience I believe I did this a couple years ago because I heard another man who had the same experience and I figure you know I'm a big boy now and hey I might as well try it On that particular inventory a couple of years ago, I had a couple defects that I was not willing to be rid of. And I said, Mike, you're a big boy now. Quit jerking around. Why are you holding on to these things? So I sat with them. I believe it was a week that I sat WITH them and I didn't do the seventh step. And I continued to pray for their willingness. and I continued to pray for the willingness, and I continue to pray for the willingness. And I tell you what it made for. It made for a pretty interesting week. And by the time that week was over, believe me, I was willing. Because when I am not willing, I continue to act out in the same old behaviors and I can't do it again. I continue to create harms and I don't want to do that today. So, often I get willing via prayer but sometimes I get willing by repeating the same negative behaviors over and over again see I believe that there's a couple ways we can grow in Alcoholics Anonymous a couple of ways one of the ways we can grow is by faith and by prayer that's kind of the that takes a little more work and takes a lot of time it takes a bit more positive effort but I believe that to be the easier, softer way the second way that we can grow is by repeating the same negative behaviors over and over again and that creates pain so I can either grow by faith and by prayer or quite often I've grown out of pain and then because of that pain I get the courage to move on so we have the willingness we have the readiness we're ready to let God remove all these things from us we've answered yes that he can take them all every one and we've answered that he can take them all, every one for me as I am. So now we're ready to move on to step seven and it says when ready we say something like this. If you have the handout packet from last week, hopefully you brought that back. If not, there's a couple extras there on the table. If you look at page eight, there's a list of several defects, seven of which are the seven deadly sins, 20 of which Are from one of our early members of AA, Clarence Snyder, who is actually sponsored by Dr. Bob. And then there's some more on here. surely from some inventories that I've done. If you find this helpful, you can use this for your six-step list. A lot of people like a list, like to write out a list or go through this list or a similar one. And you can used this list in your six step prayer to ask God to help you be willing. if you flip it over and look at page 9 this is something that can be used for the 7th step or if, I think Bill brought them last week I don't have any but if you have any of the cards that Bill brought last week for this 7th Step this is very similar the left side has a list of our defects and the right side has a list of our assets, so to speak. If one of my defects is jealousy, I can ask God to remove the defect of jealousy and have him replace it with trust. If you flip over to the next page, page 10, there's several variations of the seven-step prayer. the first one is the one of course out of a big book that we're going to read and take together the next one is a prayer that Dr. Bob used for the 7th step and the third one is a prayer that Clarence Snyder used for his 7th step let me just I'll read the seven step prayer we can however you guys want to do this we can we can say the prayer together, we can join hands, we an stand our seats or what have you and then what I'll do is the experience that I shared with you about six and seven is not a current experience that I have today, particularly this point about asking God to remove the defect and asking Him to replace it with the opposite. I'll just talk about this now and then we'll get into the prayer. My current experience with the sixth step and the seventh step is that my experience and my belief is that there is a place within me that is pure that is perfection that is directly connected with God if not God itself it is the being if you will that I was before I appeared in this human life form that you look at today it's that part of me that I go to now during prayer and meditation I had an experience I guess it was a year or a year and a half ago Kathy and I had went to a meeting where I originally got sober in Freehold which is in Central Jersey for anyone who's not familiar and And I don't know why this meeting was any different from any other meeting, but there was a baby there who was probably just a couple months old. And for some reason I was drawn to this baby and I looked at this baby who was on top of the table in a car seat and I was just kind of, I don' t know if I would say meditating on the baby, but I was very interested in this child for some reasons. And the thought occurred to me that, you know what, this child, this baby is about as close to perfection as you can possibly get. And I kind of went back a little bit. I kind OF went back to when that baby was first born, before any imprinting from our society, before Dr. Earl Marsh, who was an early member of AA. I believe his story was in the second edition. He talks about how when we're born, we have a direct pipeline to God. As a matter of fact, his famous talk was called The Pipeline Talk. If you ever get a hold of it, it's an excellent talk. He talks about how as we're getting older and we're growing up as a child, that pipeline becomes a little shattered. And that connection that we have to God becomes a Little Broken. And it comes from imprinting that's put upon us from this society. In my case, it came from use and abuse of alcohol. It came from self-will run riot and harming others. And slowly, over a period of time, that direct connection, that pipeline that I had, became blocked off. But I'm able to go back to that pipeline, if you will, today. and I'm able to go back to that being that is within me and I believe as the big book says every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God. So I look at that today as my base foundation and anything that I've put on top of that defects of character shortcomings alcohol anything is just a block it's just a cover up to that direct connection with God so I began to take a look at this tool that for so long I had used for the seventh step about asking God to remove the defect and then asking God to replace it with the opposite And if you noticed on this sheet, and this is the way it was taught to me, it says, or it used to say, I guess I took it off. It used to humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. And nature pours a vacuum, so ask God to replace the defects with the assets. My experience today is that there is no vacuum with inside of me. The being that I described to you is all these things, and these things are just labels, but all these thing on the right column of this sheet is this pure being within me or this godliness if you will. It's full of compassion, it's full courage, it' full of love. I've often heard said that there's really only two emotions that we can experience, and that's fear and love. And anything else is just a branch off, so to speak, of those two emotions. So I no longer need to fill a vacuum, so to speak because I know that is my, I call it my true nature. I know my true nature are all these defects or all these assets and any defects are not real any defects that I experience are not the real me and they can easily be cast out that's my current experience with 6 and 7 but for the first few years I needed to use something like this because I needed to know what assets were. I had lived my life so long based on self-will, self-willed run riot, and I was experiencing and living out these defects of character. I didn't know any assets. So something like this was very helpful for me to discover the opposite of resentment and anger is forgiveness. The opposite of fear is courage. And when I'm experiencing fear today, in addition to asking God to remove that fear and direct my attention to what God would have me be, I can also ask to have it replaced with courage. But I know that today I knowthat courage is a fundamental part of my being. It's there. And it shows up once the defect is removed, once the block is gone, that asset so to speak fills it, it's there it's no longer blocked off just like with us in God so when ready we say something like this and this has become known as the seventh step prayer it says my creator I am now willing, there is that word willing again that you should have all of me and there is the word all good and bad i always found it interesting that when i say this prayer i'm not i'm not just asking god to have all my defects not to just have all the bad within me but all my good too because my experience is excuse me quite often i don't know the difference from good or bad or quite often i've had this experience where i think something is bad and it actually turns out to be good or I think something's a defect and it actualy turns out to be something positive or which I think I suffer from this way more often I think something's an asset and it actuallly turns out to be a defect I I tend to think that I suffer from that one more more often than the other way around but it goes on to say I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. It says every single defected character. Again, that's another way to say all. And notice it says every simple defected character which stands in the away of my usefullness to you which means God and my fellows. It doesn't say remove my defects of character so I can be a better person and I can do what I want to do. no the reason we do the 12 steps is so that I can be of utmost service to God and my fellow man it says grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding and it ends with an amen now I had a question one time and when I asked it I asked if it was of myself and of God and immediately I got the answer if at the end of the seven step prayer I'm asking for strength to go out from here and do God's bidding then what is God's binding and I asked that question and the answer I got was God's bidding for you Mike is steps 8 and 9 so I'm asking for strength as I go from this point to a new part of our journey which is steps 7 and 9 it says after that we have then completed step 7 an elder who I have a deep affection and respect for was the first person to point this out I had never seen it before until he pointed it out but he said at the end of the third step prayer there is no amen at the beginning at the ending of the seventh step prayer there is an amen now I don't know if that's coincidental or what but it made real sense to me when I heard Don say is it possible that when we take this third step prayer everything between the third step and the seventh step prayer is just all one part of one big prayer and the middle work that we're doing between three and seven, we're kept safe and protected. And then we kind of put some closure on this one big prayer at the end of the seventh step prayer by saying the Amen, which means nothing more than so be it. And that made a lot of sense to me. And that brought a whole new light to the work that I did between three in seven. So he says, we have then completed step 7 how do you guys want to say the prayer has anyone here done 5th steps through this work group here and when you did did you do 6th and 7th afterwards for anyone who okay well we can do we can say the 7th step prayer together now as a group if you guys would like that and then after you do your fifth step be sure to do six and seven right afterwards and when I hear a fifth step from someone I make sure they do that and I like to say the seventh step prayer with them just as we did with the third step so however you guys want to do it My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here To do your bidding Amen Thanks guys I'm just going to briefly cover step 8 Because there's really not a lot to go over with step 8 Although I will point out That step 8 does say let me just correct myself I said there's really not a lot to go over with step 8 there's not a whole lot there's literally not but there is a lot with step eight if that makes sense and it depends on my willingness to make the amends step 8 says made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all in the original manuscript it said became willing to make complete amends to them all so that's interesting I think the most overlooked word in the 8th step is all, made a list of all persons we had harmed and then it says we're to make amends to them all when Bill Wilson wrote this do you think he meant all so that's something that I like to point out I'm not just going to make the amends that I want to do I'll share this I've had instances and I've heard stories where sponsors will tell the person that well you don't have to to make that amend for such and such a reason. And I've actually had that told to me. And yet, something within me said, Mike, you really need to make right that wrong. But at first, I listened to that human power, so to speak, and as we know, no human power could relieve our alcoholism. But I listened the advice that was given to me and I didn't make that amend and later on down the line I found out that there was some work that needed to be done with that amend so if I can offer you anything with the 8th step I offer you that go with your gut intuition go with what you feel deep down inside regardless of what anyone else says it says now we need more action without which we find that faith without works is dead. This is the middle of 76. It says, let's look at steps 8 and 9. We have a list of, again, the word all persons we have harm into whom we are willing to make amends. And it says, we made it when we took inventory. So what a remarkable thing that I get my eight step list from my fourth step. Which kind of puts me in a little bit of a hard spot if I burn my inventory. I suggest to you that if you feel moved to burn your inventory, please make your eight-step list before you do that. Please get the information that you need for six and seven from your inventory before you go. Before you do that. God forbid I go through eight and nine based on memory, I'm in deep trouble. And I think that's why we have a written inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. We did that in 4, 5, 6 and 7. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. Now he's going to hook us back to the 8th step. if we haven't the will to do this if we have not the will to make amends we ask until it comes he is going to give us another warning remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol and I remind people that I work with of that well I don't want to make that amend that person did me more harm than I did that pay the money back are you kidding me I'm not going to pay the money back. So I can hook them back to, well, remember you agreed at the beginning that you would go to any lengths. Page 13 of the packet is just a guide for your eight-step list. Some people prefer to use index cards. And if you want, after the meeting, we can discuss how that's done. I've done that. But on this particular sheet, the first column, you just put a little plus or minus. And that means are you willing or unwilling to make amend to the second column is whom did I hurt? and again all those names can be taken from your inventory and also you can sit quiet in meditation and ask God to reveal to you any additional names that weren't on your inventory or didn't come out of your fifth step and you can add those to the list just very briefly write out the harm that you caused, the harm that you're aware of I've seen too many people including myself at times try to make amends to people and they have no idea why they're making the amends they're not clear on the harm that they caused that person if I've written a thorough inventory I'm clear on that harm especially in that fourth column now the fourth column of this sheet is something that we use after we have made the approach to the person and I didn't bring a sheet on this if you would if you're taking notes write out these questions this is what I do to make an amend after I've had an initial contact with the person with the person and the book is going to go on to call that the approach I make an appointment with that person and these are the questions that I ask or the statements that I make one this is the harm that I'm aware of that I've caused you You can put this in your own words if you care to. Clear? Yeah, this is the harm that I'm aware of or this is that harm that you're aware of. This is the problem that I've caused you. Two. have I harmed you in any way that I'm not aware of? Because quite often I'll go to a person and I'll make the first statement to them and they'll go buddy, you don't have a clue what you did to me. I remember a lot of us were blackout drinkers, or if you're anything like me, sometimes I can live a life without alcohol in the blackout and just going through my life self will run riot and harm people. So today I'd like to ask that question, is there any way that I've harmed you that I'm not aware of? Three. do you need to tell me how this makes you feel? Or how it's affected you? Do you need to tell me how this has affected you, how my harm has affected you At that point, I shut up and listen. This now gives the other person an opportunity to get free. How dare I just go to a person and say, Listen, I cheated with your wife. I stole your money. I wrecked your car. Forgive me? No, I need to give the other person an opportunity to get off their chest whatever they need to get off their chests. One time I heard someone use the analogy of a lock on someone's heart. And the harm that I've caused that person has created a lock on that person's heart and I may be the only other person on the face of the planet that holds the key to unlock that. So not only is amends a way for me to get free but it also helps the other person get free too. Now as we're going to find out if the other person doesn't want to accept the mend And if they just want to throw me out of the office or something, that's fine. I can still be free because I did my part. The fourth question I ask. Is there any way we can get the books to balance? In other words, how can I make amends to you? I'll explain that in a second if I've stolen money from that person I mean it's nice to say well I apologize for taking your money but there's also something else that needs to be done and chances are when I ask that fourth question the other person is going to say well you can pay me my money back I mean quite often people will say well you know don't worry about it that happened a long time ago it's water over the dam and I make clear to the people that I make amends to that I need to make amens if it's money and they don't accept it I mean I'm not going to argue with a person that doesn't want to take money But I need to find a way How I can get that money out Into the universe Because guess what It's not my money A friend of mine taught me that Mike, that's not your money You took their money So I need To find a ways To get that Money back out into the universe And we can do that very easily through charities or what have you. I know a gentleman that did AA workshops, did weekends and stuff like this for years and all came out of his own pocket as a way to make amends, to make a financial amends. I've talked enough for this evening I promised Kathy to let her go through the ninth step since we only have a few minutes left before we open up the meeting and Kathy won't be here next week if you take a look at the handout pages 11 and 12 So, these are just excerpts from the big book on pages 76 through 83. Important points regarding amends and restitutions. If we went through those pages line by line, and I strongly suggest you do that, we find out how to make amends to people we've hated we find out how to make amends to people and institutions we owe money amends to incidents of criminal offenses amends when other people are involved domestic troubles wrongs we can never fully write and the sheet gives points on how to make amends and all those different type of situations and then at the bottom of the second side of that sheet are night step prayers from the big book. I'll point them out because they're really important. I missed them for a couple years. From page 79 paragraph 1 it says reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience. We ask God that we be given the strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequence may be. And that can be a prayer. Dear God, please give me the strength and direction to do it. To do the correct thing. If we have obtained permission from other people who might be affected by us making this amend and have consulted with others ask God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink. That's from page 80, first paragraph. that's a simple prayer it just says ask God for help then from page 82 and this is in the case of relationships or domestic problems it says each may pray about it having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind and the next one says so we clean house with the family asking each morning in meditation that our creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love And that's from page 83, paragraph 1. That's probably the most important ninth step prayer that I know of. And when I'm in amends, I use that prayer as part of my morning prayer and meditation. Dear God, please show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love. That's actually a prayer that that I can use on a daily basis. And in some form or another, I still use that prayer today. The big book is suggesting that we use this prayer in relationship to our spouse and our family. And I like to suggest that we can ask God to show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love in all our activities all throughout the day in each situation we encounter. I don't really see the need for us to go line by line paragraph by paragraph through the directions I'm sure we can do that on our own if there's any questions we can tackle that during the discussion part of the meeting there's one thing that's not covered in here It is covered, but it's not described, and that's a gravesite amend. And I personally not had the opportunity to do that, but I know Kathy has. So if she feels moved to do dat, maybe she'll share with us on that. But I'm just going to turn to however much time Kathy needs to describe some of her experiences with the night step. Hi, everybody. I've had some interesting experiences with the Ninth Step both my own and people that I've worked with I think to talk about the most current one is the one that Mike had just talked about which was a graveside amends in all honesty it wasn't intended as an amends I have a friend of mine that passed away 15 years ago and she's buried down in Texas when I got sober and I did my fourth step, particularly my first fourth step she had already passed and I had done an amends to her I'd written a letter and I read it and I burned it for the most part I was fine with it but this past weekend we had the opportunity to go down to Texas And I very much knew that it was, I wanted to go down there. I hadn't been down there sober. I'd been down here once after she was buried, but I hadn'T been down there sober, and I really wasn't sober that time. I think the second time I went down, I might have been sober when I got there, butI certainly wasn't sober when I left the grave site. And so I had, andI kind of wanted to do it alone. Mike offered to come, and l kind of said, I think I want to go. And it was about a three-and-a-half-hour drive from where I was. I was going on a wing and a prayer because I knew I could find the town. And it's a relatively small town in Texas, but, I mean, it's got a population of about 6,000, so it's small, but it's not itty-bitty. I wasn't sure I was gonna remember how to get anywhere. And so I drove down. and when I got to the town I came into town differently than I came in from before and I didn't know that until I got there and I saw one of the crossroads and I'm going, I know I have to go that way I found that basically what happened was I found the grave site the cemetery relatively easily but I couldn't find her grave I was all over the place I had a general idea of where it was and I was at the point At this point, I'm still not sure that it's an amends. I just thought I was visiting. And I was at a point where I was willing to say, all right, I're here. I'm close enough. I visited and that kind of thing. And then I saw I was about ready to go, and I saw one of the guys that worked there, and I talked to him, and he goes, well, it's Saturday, so town hall isn't open and we can't get you there. And he said, there's a funeral director over there that's here to talk to me. He goes, do you know which one she was buried out of? And I said, it was 15 years ago. I said no, I really don't remember. So the guy came over to talk with me and he told me what funeral home he was from. And when I heard it, I recognized it. And he was kind enough to go back to the funeral home and look it up and tell me exactly where it was. and when i got there in front of it it was so like all this stuff came up you know it's i was free of it but it was like i got more i don't know if that makes sense i was free but i gotもう free and kind of it was like a face-to-face um i just you know there were some things that came up as like she talked to me And there were some things almost that she told me that, you know, in my heart that I hadn't seen. Her harm that I didn't know that I had done her or I hadn'T recognized that I HAD DONE HER at the time. And so I just kind of had another heart-to-heart and I talked to her. And it was very emotional. It still is even now talking about it. It's still pretty fresh. but I don't know I think about what Mike was saying about being able to even if somebody doesn't want to accept your amends and that ability to I know that if I've done everything that I can I'm free even if it's not accepted I had done everything that I could up to that point but now I had something extra that I could do don talks about when he talks about his he talks about he was in jail when he did his fourth step and fifth you know did all the steps and he was told by a sponsor that when he finished and he got his a-step list to now he's in jail he's not going anywhere he's not knocking on anybody's doors and they're not breaking down the doors to see him and he was told to sit quietly and just picture each one of those people and make his amends in his mind. And what he said is he got free in jail. That didn't relieve him of the responsibility to go to these people afterwards, but he found the freedom before he was ever able to physically get there just by the willingness and the ability to sit there and do it. It does not, and it doesn't relieve anybody of the responsibility of completing the amends, of doing the face-to-face. But it does... You can find that freedom before you ever get to that point. And I think that's kind of what happened with me is, you know, I felt like I had some freedom but until I got to that really finished it there was still a big part of it there. And it's just that getting quiet and listening to the voice, the still small voice inside of me is where I got the answer so where I got you know where I got the questions you know through God she was able to tell me the harm that I had not seen that I had done to her so you know if you I really truly do believe that even somebody who has gone who's passed that you can be free of it I mean you can make amends the answer is always going to be inside and that's you know something mike said always go inside for your answers i never pushed any of my uh sponsees to like you have to make that amend you know it's like i couldn't survive i couldn'T stay sober if i don'T make that mend but that'S me you need to find the answers that'S inside of you you know if you can live with that if you CAN stay sober with that because all the pushing that i would do or anything that i could make them do even And if I had any power like that, it would be me doing it, not them. So the answer always has to come from inside on what is the right answer for you in your events. Guidance is what other human beings can offer you, but not answers. The answers always have to come form inside on how to do it. In the very beginning, I think Mike read the line about it's to repair the damage of the past. and so many times I've felt this way in the beginning I've seen people who feel this way they want to repair the relationship and in a lot of cases maybe the relationship does get repaired but also in equally as many cases sometimes the relationship doesn't get repaired but the damage can be repaired it doesn't always mean that it's a good idea that there continues to be a relationship in the case of people who are abused you may be able to make the amends and settle and forgive and let go of that from the other person but it doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to re-up the relationship with each other the other thing is I had a resentment or an amends to make from my very first fourth step and it was funny I was willing to make it right from the beginning but I had no way of reaching this person I didn't know how to reach her there was a nun that I went to school with that taught me when I was in school and back when I Was in school They had nun names, not their own names. And what I had found out was that she had left the convent and had gotten married. So not only, I mean, the only name I knew her by was her nun name. And I didn't know her name. I didn' t know her married name. You know, I didn''t know where she was. And so we just kind of sat there for nine years, I think it was. and then about three years ago I guess two or three years ago in the course of probably about three weeks I had opportunities to try to find ways of finding her and it just went bam right down the line and it was like I guess it was time and I contacted her and I never did see her we had some contact on email and you know I told her what it was about and she said you know that was school stuff and don't worry about it and it was fine. And so I didn't, we ended up not seeing each other face to face. She lives, you know, not close by. Um, but it was, uh, it was one of those things where it was always there. I knew that there was an amends there to be made when the opportunity of Rose, um, I had done as much work as I could to find her. And So I, I, you Know, I just, it Was something that sat in the back of my mind. It didn't pray heavy on my heart because I felt I was willing to make the amends so i carried that for a long time but it wasn't heavy because i knew i was ready and when the opportunity approached you know appeared um then i had to take action and that action was that i have to do something about it now you know up for the for nine years it was fine because i didn't need to then if i i think for me if i hadn't taken the opportunity when it was offered me to track her down and find her um then I would have then it would have been very heavy for me to carried um but to have carried it for like nine years with with no problems because i had i knew at that point i had done everything i could up to that point so um you know there's there's lots of different ways of making an amends um i've been the i haven't i haven'T really done this But I've been the recipient of proxy. Like, I've stood in for people who needed to make amends to old girlfriends and they weren't available or they couldn't do a direct one to them because it would cause more harm. So, you know, I'm privileged to be with the proxy and have the letters or the amends made to me in place of. um you know there's there there are there are lots of ways there is there's i don't believe that there is an amends that can't be righted it just may take some creative work with you and a sponsor or you would and another person to to figure out how you can to count you can make the amends but i don'T believe that there's an amens that cannot be correct it that you can't make up for any harm that you've done in your history sometimes it's simple and sometimes it is difficult there are lots of ways and as always the answer is inside you is a letter the thing read to the universe and burnt to a proxy person to a gravesite or face to face, however it is but the answer is going to be inside I have a couple of other ones but I think that's only appropriate The only other thing I want to touch on is a tool that was given to me and in turn I pass it on to others when a protege or someone I'm working with expresses an unwillingness to make a certain amend I hook them back to the first step because in the big book it says several times remember it was agreed at the beginning that we go to any lengths for victory over alcoholism and it says that right in the ninth step excuse me i have a killer migraine headache so i'm doing the best i can um what i do with that is because if if i'm unwilling to do any part of the steps if i'M UNWILLING TO WRITE INVENTORY IF I'M UNwilling TO SHARE A FIFTH STEP IF I'm UNWILLING TO MAKE AN AMEND IT'S BECAUSE SOMEWHERE down the line I have lost my connection to the first step because the reason I'm doing the rest of these steps is because of my first step. The reason I am doing the resto of the steps is because of powerlessness over alcohol and the current unmanageability of my life. I have no power so I need to seek power through a course of action which is the resto de steps. So if a person is having trouble with with willingness um or doesn't want to make a certain amend what i'll say to them well is it possible you don't wantto make that amend because you never did get the the willingness in the eight step and is it possible that you never got the willingness and the eight step because you never really fully asked god in the seventh step to remove your defects of character And is it possible you never asked God to remove your defects of character Because in the sixth step You weren't entirely ready and willing for God to do so And is It possible that You weren' t entirely willing to have God remove your Defects of character because you skimped something In your fifth step And is IT possible that you skimped something in your fifth steps Because you skipped something in you inventory and you really didn't make a searching and fearless, thorough moral inventory? And is it possible that you weren't thorough in your inventory because when you made your third step decision, you were a little flaky about it and that keystone wasn't really in place? And is It possible that You didn't really make a decision to turn Your will and Your life over to the care of God because in the second step you're having a problem with your current concept of God and you haven't fully come to believe that that power can restore you to sanity? And if that be the case, is it possible that you don't have a belief in God because you really don't think you need one, because you realmente don't believe in God? You really don' t think you' re alcoholic. and time and time and time again with myself and with other people I've seen them get hooked right back to the first step because I need to be reminded and I need to be mindful and connected to that first step that's why I make amends because if I don't make amends I will drink again if I do not write the inventories I will drunk again if I dont do fifth steps I will drank again at this point we will open it up for discussion if we are moved to share any more about the ninth step next week we will do so if not we will cover the material in the big book and share our current experience on steps 10 and 11. Thanks for letting us share.