Willingness After 27 Felonies and a Mexican Prison – Kip C.

Good morning. My name is Kip Collins and I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink all day long. This has been a great conference up until now. I have never spoke at 9 o'clock in the morning in my life, so... And I was thinking I was going to speak at 10 o' clock, so I was just up there just kind of kicking back, playing with the baby, and I happened to look down at my watch and it was 8.30 and I looked over at that flyer and it said 9 o'clock and I almost had a heart attack. We've got to experience something here together that I don't see all the time. You get to see it a lot, but not all the times. And it goes with our first tradition, you know, unity. Got it, Herb. That better. Hello? When we're all together on the same thing at the same moment and there's a certain magic that happens in this room. When a speaker's up here and we're altogether at exactly the same time, there's just a certain magic that happened. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I was real, real different. You see, I was a drug addict. I was not an alcoholic. My father had been an alcoholic. And for so about six years, I came in here and I wanted to be an alcoholic addict. You know, and I could not stay sober. And I finally asked a man to sponsor me and he pointed something out to me. He said, you identify yourself as an alcoholic addict? And I said, yeah. He goes, you're in big trouble. AndI went, why? He says, there's no such thing Is Alcoholics and Addicts Anonymous? There's only Alcoholics Anonymous. And you better be a part of this and stop separating yourself from the group saying that your case is a little bit different. And when I did that, things started changing a littlebit. My father's Irish and Sioux and my mother's Irish and Cherokee and when my daddy drank, my mama liked to fight. I'll just share in a general way what it was like on a daily basis around my house. Me and my brother would be laying in bed together, and the later it got, the tension would start to build, you know? And after a while, you'd hear that pickup coming up the road. And if you looked out the windows, you'd see all the neighbors turning off their lights and grabbing their lawn chairs and coming outside, you now? But it was getting ready to happen. We were a lot more exciting than anything on television. And I do not blame my alcoholism on my father. My father was a prime example of what alcohol will do to a man, what it'll do to his family, what it's going to do to him. What it'll be to a family, what it will do the children. I can't put it on him. He showed me exactly. They're a prime examples of what not to do. You know, I had no illusions about what alcohol would do. He showed them. So I got no excuse. I'm an alcoholic because I drink like a pig, you know? That's why I'm alcoholic. Ain't no one's fault but mine. I do blame my alcoholism on the San Diego Unified School District, though. You see, I was never going to be an alcoholic. That was just nothing. I never wanted to be like my dad. And when I was about 12 years old, they had this idea that it was time to educate children about the dangers of drugs and narcotics. And they brought us all in this auditorium. And they showed us this movie, and they had these speakers come in, and they're talking about all this stuff. And when it was over, man, I was drooling. I was just going, wow! I'd never heard of this stuff, you know? And I asked my friend Balto. I said, Balto, can you get some of this? And he goes, yeah. And so the next day we got, I asked him, I said did you get it? He says, yeah, meet me after school. And so I met him after school and he says, well where do we go? And he says let's go down this canyon but we've got to go over to Laird's Market and boost some wine. And I'm going, wine? What for? He says I don't know. My dad always drinks cheap wine with his stuff. And I said okay. I was willing to go to any lengths. And I went in, and I stole a short dog of sweet red port. And that was my first drink, and that was my last drink. We went down this canyon, and we smoked this dope, and we drank this wine. And it was the most magic moment of my life. For the first time in my life, I felt like a whole human being. It just clicked. Serenity Sam was one of the first speakers I ever heard from Venice, California. And he put out this pitch and when he said it, I knew exactly that he knew. He said, I fell out of my mother's womb. I hit a cold concrete floor and I was crawling across hostile territory towards my grave. And then I discovered alcohol. You know? And I knew precisely what he was talking about. You know, I lived, I was the only white kid, me and my brothers, in the whole neighborhood. I lived in the Vallejo. It was all Mexican. Everybody spoke Spanish. Nobody spoke English. All my cousins have real dark hair, real dark eyes, dark skin. And I was white. I had white hair. I had blue eyes. And I didn't fit in with my family. I didn'T fit in in this neighborhood. I went outside of that house. Those Mexicans wanted to beat my ass. I went inside that house, and that Indian wanted to beating my ass, yeah. And I was terrified, and I knew all about these first three steps of Alcoholics Anonymous before I ever heard about you people. I knew I was powerless over this world. It just scared me to death, and my life was just a mess. It was just the end of it. It was a mess at the age of 12 years old. I was scared to death and everything was just in mess and total turmoil at all the times. and I smoked this dope and I drank this wine and I came to believe that there was a power greater than myself and I immediately with no reservation turned my will and life over to it and I never looked back. When I was 14 years old I got kicked out of school for hitting a teacher and my mom found my stash and she kicked me out of the house and I'd never been anywhere I lived in a little tiny town Vista it's just all agriculture All they do is raise avocados, chickens, or rabbits there. And I'd never done anything, and I went over to a friend of mine's place, and we're reading the paper, and he says, check this out, Kip. All these people are going up to San Francisco. This is in the mid-60s. And he goes, all they're doing is getting high and listening to music and making love. I like music. And I got on that Interstate 5 and I hitchhiked up to a place called Haight-Ashbury. It was about 1964, 65. And he was right. That's what they were doing and lots of everything. And I had the greatest time a human being can possibly have. And I also... I dropped out a long time before I ever dropped in. The Vietnam War was going on. All kinds of stuff was going on in this country, man. And I was up there with these people. And I never made a real good hippie because I was real violent, you know, and I'd fight at the drop of a hat, you know. And someone would say something to me and I knocked the hell out of it. It didn't matter. You know, I've been doing that all my life. I just didn't fit in with these men. I liked these people but I liked their women. I liked they're dope and I liked everything else. You know? But I just had a heck of a time up there. They were kind of flaky. And I started looking around, seeing how much these people liked this stuff. And you know, I speak a little Spanish. And I went back down south and I started smuggling pot across that border before I was old enough to cross that border. And it ain't nothing that I'm ashamed of. Today, it was part of my life. That's what I did. I didn't know any other way to live. But I smuggled drugs for most of my time. I spent most of the rest of my lifetime across that boarder. My father had told me when I was young that if I wanted anything in this world, I had to work hard. I had go to school. I had do this. I had that. And I found out at a very early age that if had the bag, I could have anything or anybody I wanted. And it worked. When I was 16 years old, I was arrested in Mexico with 200 kilos. and I went to prison in Mexico and I'm here to tell you the prison in Mexico is not real friendly to a 16 year old white boy with blonde hair and blue eyes and if anything in this world that should have taught me that the way I'm living I ought to back up a little bit you know I know people and I got things together and I found out the right person to bribe and we got out of there. My brother got me out. And I continued to do what I did because it's the only thing I knew. When I was 18 years old, I'd been running around with this gal and it was the first time I ever really cared about a woman. And she was pregnant and I was really excited about it because she was going to have a baby and I always wanted to have children. And then I got arrested and I got charged with 27 felonies and I went to prison on my 18th birthday. And if anything in the world, that should have taught me that I need to change my lifestyle. I had a little bit of money, and I had a good lawyer. I fought that case for a little over a year. And I finally beat it. But I was in jail for one year fighting that case. And when I got out, I went to go find my sweetheart, you know, and her family just didn't want nothing to do with me at all. They just turned their back. They wouldn't tell me nothing. They wouldn'Tell me when the baby was born. They wouldn'Tell me nothing, and I walked around asking everybody, and nobody would tell me anything. Nobody knew nothing. I met this gal. She bailed me out of jail three times in one week, and, uh, I don't know a lot about love, but I do know a little bit about love. a lot about jail and I figured I'm never letting her out of my sight again. And we got married and we went about, you know, and I got arrested again. They gave me probation and I knew I was never going to make it. And I went up to a little town in Oregon, a little tiny log in town and started working in the woods up there. And one day, the greatest day of my life, she came out. She said, we got to go to the hospital. The baby's coming. I'd only known she was pregnant for about three months. I hadn't really thought about it. You know, when we went to the Hospital, this baby was born premature. He only weighed three and a half pounds. And I was a little boy. And they, and I looked at him and it was the very first time in my life that I fell head over heels in love with another human being. The very first time I ever experienced that emotion, this unconditional love. I looked at that guy and I just felt head over heels in love. And I promised him what kind of a father I was going to be and the things that we were going to do. We were goingto do all those things that I wanted to do with my father and I never got a chance to do and I meant it with every fiber of my being and a couple years later she presented me with a little girl and it was exactly the same emotion. For the second time in my life I experienced total, unconditional love with another human being. And I just adored that little girl and I made all kinds of promises to her. What kind of wedding I'm going to give her someday and what kind of a father and I'm gonna protect her all of her life and nothing bad's ever gonna happen to you. And I meant it with everything I had. And I'll tell you this, for the next five years I was the best father anyone could ever possibly be. I had the money. I had the resources. I had a real nice place and I spent 90% of my time with my kids. I loved my kids. I adored them. And on September 6, 1976, everything in my life changed. I got loaded and me and my son were playing. My son was born deaf and he couldn't hear at all. He only spoke sign language. You had to keep your eye on him. He was seven years old, and he was just starting to learn how to talk. He was just the most beautiful child you've ever seen. I got loaded, and it was a real hot day, and I got thirsty. And I went up to, I got on my bike, and I left. I didn't tell anybody I was leaving it. I didn't even think about it. I just got on my bike and left, and my son was in the yard. When I came back down the hill, the police were there, and the paramedics were there and the fire department and all the neighbors right in front of my house and I didn't know what was going on and I waited through that crowd and my son had chased me out of that driveway and he got run over by a car and I got through that cloud and my sons head was split open and I could see his brains and bones were broken and protruding out of his body and a big part of me died I spent the next nine months in a hospital with him in a coma trying to make a deal with this God that I don't know nothing about. I don' t know nothing about God. But I was begging him, give me back my son and I'll do anything. And I sat with him and I sat with him and my son survived. We went through over 27 major brain surgeries over the next few years and every time I looked at my son I knew that this was my fault. I did it. I was supposed to be taking care of him and I got loaded and I forgot about it you know and my son got destroyed and he survived but he mentally never grew beyond the age of about four years old and he had constant medical and emotional problems all throughout his life at the same time this was going on my brother Bill who was my best friend he was the closest person we were only 11 months apart we backed each other's play right or wrong under any conditions no matter what happened we were on each other side We were the only two white kids in that neighborhood, and we backed each other back-to-back all of our lives. My brother came down with a disease called schizophrenia, and my family committed him to a hospital. My brother called me after they got him stabilized there, and he said, Get me out of here, Kip. Get me Out of Here. And wouldn't it matter where my brother was, I would have got him out no matter what it took. And I had the money, and I got a lawyer, andI got conservatorship of him. and I sweet-talked this doctor and I bought him a mobile home and I put it on a little piece of property next to mine that I owned. And I brought him home and he continued to do what me and him did. My brother started getting sicker. One day I had to go out to the Midwest and some business and my brother was crying and I said, What's the matter? He says, I don't know, man. He says I'm coming apart. I'm just coming apart I said Bill, I've got to go. I'll be back in three days. Just hang tight. He said, please don't go. Please don't go. There ain't no one but you, man. And I said, I got to go, Bill. And I gave him a handful of money. Money's always fixed everything all my life. And I said, just hang tight, man, as soon as I get back, me and you will fix this, don't worry about it. I'll be back in three days, you can count on it. And I got back to Oklahoma and things went sideways, this thing I was doing. And I didn't get back for three weeks. And I went back looking for my brother and I couldn't find him. And I went to that trailer and I opened up that door and his head rolled out at my feet. And there was just a big pile of maggots laying there in that stairwell. And my brother, on the third day, had taken that money and bought a gun and blown his head off. And another great big piece of me died that morning. You know, I don't tell you this because I need your sympathy, nor do I want it. The only point of this part of my story. in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous in chapter 5 it talks about there are people among us with grave emotional disorders and I'm one of those people something inside of me broke completely in half that was never to come together again until I surrendered to the program of Alcoholic Anonymous I had these pictures in my head and this guilt feeling for the two people I loved the most in this world that I had destroyed both of them and I'll tell you this from my heart to yours that I thank God that alcohol does for me what alcohol does but if alcohol wouldn't have done for me what it does for mean I would not be here tonight I would have joined my brother but alcohol affects me like this it takes that feeling away it takes all those emotions away it blocks out those pictures in my brain and I can survive You know, they talk a lot about bottoms and I don't know I know quite a few people that hit bottoms A friend of mine a guy I was sponsoring he was 90 days sober and everything was wonderful he got mad at his wife and locked himself in a van and drank a quart of vodka and he's dead He ain't getting no worse That's bottom You know I got another friend of mind whose mother has spent the last 12 years in a mental institution with Karakoff Syndrome and that sweat brain. And I went up to see her and she doesn't know who she is. She doesn't even know what she is and she only drank beer, you know. And she's hit bottom because she hasn't got any worse in the last 12 years, you now. But in my experience that as long as I could feel as long I had anything going on up in here at all it never ever ever ever stopped getting worse. The bottom didn't have anything to do with losing stuff and people It was about me inside here where I live, a state of mind. You know, the stuff started going pretty quick because I couldn't function no more. Nobody trusted me no more, and my wife, you know, she saw I was dwindling down, man, and she just made a quick career choice and went with my connection. It was just me and my daughter. She's seven years old, and, you Know, I can't. I'm nuts, and My daughter, she'd had this beautiful life for the last five years, and all of a sudden her mom's gone, her dad's crazy, her brother's in a hospital, her uncle's dead and her world is just turned upside down and I can't stop drinking. And this guy comes over to my house and he brought this stuff called Mad Dog 2020. They have that here in Virginia? God, you guys look like the kind of people who just drink natural wines or something. I'm shocked. You know, this guy, he brought this stuff over to me and I started drinking it. And I'm going to tell you something. My life would be going like this and I'd drink that stuff, I'd drop. Just boom, right off the charts. I come to and this lady's tapping me on the shoulder and she said, we've landed. You have to get off the plane. And I looked around, I opened my eyes And the last thing I knew, I was sitting in my living room and my little girl is all snuggled up against me. And I look and I'm in this big giant jet and it's completely empty. And this lady said, you've got to get off the plane. And I went, where am I? And she said, You're in Fort Lauderdale. I don't like Fort LaUDERDALE. She goes, I don' t know anything about this. You have to get of the plane . And I got off the plan and I didn't know what had happened, you know. I'm trying to very coolly pump my daughter. Maybe she's going to tell me what we're doing in Florida, you know? And I'm just trying to put out these little questions, you know, like, what was I thinking? She goes, I don't know, Daddy. You just woke me up and got me dressed. And these people took us to the airport. And where are we? And I said, it's okay, baby. I'm going to get it together here. We're going to give us a house here. We're gonna start a whole new life here, just me and you. And I meant it. You know, I meant It. I said but first I got to figure out what's happened here and I did what any good drunk would do. You know I called a cab. I still had money and I said stop at a liquor store and take me to a hotel. I got a job. I got figure out what's going on here. And I come to on this gurney and I'm strapped down and I am in this room of gray block walls with bars and I butt naked and I completely strapped down in this room and I have no idea what happened I don't know where my daughter is I don' t know what happened I found out that I got into this bar I met some people I started drinking, and I went completely berserk in this bar. And thank God they had taken my daughter home with them. And they met me three days later when I got out. But for three days, I didn't have a clue of what happened. And I promised my daughter that it's going to be different. I'm going to get it together. You're going to go to school. We're goingto get a house. and for the next three years it was never any different than that we lived in five different states not three, two years we lived in five states five different States in the next two years and every place I made a promise to her it was going to be different and it was always different but it was always the same and the last place was in Oklahoma City and I started to go to A&A a little bit there I didn't understand what they were talking about but someone had suggested in one of these institutions that I go to A & A and I started going to this place called the Kelly Club over in Oklahoma City and I didn't really stay sober but I managed to get a littlebit of grip and I got a little job and finally we got a little house and we'd been there about three months since I had gotten her enrolled in school and I'm trying as hard as I can to not drink every day and to do this little menial job that I got and I came home on a Saturday afternoon and I was I had blood on me and it wasn't mine and my little girl looked at me and she knew she was nine years old and she knew that we had to leave right now. And she grabbed her doll, and she grabbed her pillow. I changed clothes, and we got on this bus, and I passed out. I ended up in Gallup, New Mexico, and my daughter's rocking, and she's crying. And I'm going, what's the matter, baby? She says, Daddy, I'm so hungry. Can you feed me? And I got off that bus with full intention of getting her something to eat and I went down to this little liquor store and I was shaking so bad. I went in there and I got me a bottle of wine and I got her a sandwich and I wound up to go pay for it and I only had enough money for one or the other and I had to put her sandwich back. And I'll tell you that I've done things that I do never share from the podium and only with a few certain people but I've never done anything in my life that haunted me more than that moment i had to relive that moment over and over a million times and i got back to california my mom thank god she just took my daughter and just told me to hit the bricks you know and uh and thank god for mom and i became a wino you know i lived in this place called carlsbad californian i lived on state beach beautiful place has a bamboo patch right in the middle where this little restaurant where their septic tank drains down into it and it's real dark and stinky and nobody goes down there and that was my little condo. And there was a 7-Eleven right across the street that I could panhandle for wine. And when it rained, there was a thrifty drugstore up the street with a bridge going over Interstate 5 and I could sleep under there. And I panhandled for wine and I drank wine and i drank wine from the time I came to until I went to sleep. No, I passed out. And I lived that way for quite a few years. And I'm going to tell you right now that I don't know a lot about what happened. I remember the turning point. I remember one morning I was real sick and I was standing in front of this liquor store. It was on a Sunday morning. And I was waiting for that magic hour of six o'clock when they open up those coolers because they won't sell you liquor until 6 o'clock in the morning. It's the most inhumane thing I've ever heard of in my life. Any civilized country would have it 24 hours, you know. Oh, I'll be standing there, man, just sick and dog, just watching that clock, and that last hour is the slowest hour all day long. And I got no money, and I'm starting to do my panhandling thing, and I don't know if there's any winos here, but this guy pulled up in this car he was in a suit and he had short hair and he has this square little wife and these square little kids and this square four door sedan you know and I'm just looking at him shaking my head I was wondering how they could live that way and he got out and he looked at me and he smiled and he said hi Kip and I couldn't all of a sudden it dawned on me he was a guy that I'd known when I was a kid and he was one of those kind of people I hated everybody liked him you know and he came from a nice family and he lived in the best part of town and he was a real nice guy and he wasn't a bad guy and he's an athlete and he has all this stuff that I never was and I just hated people like that you know and he just looked at me and he smiled and he gave me two dollars now if you're a wino and if you've ever been on the streets and you're sick and you know you're going to go into DTs pretty soon you know your going to start shaking apart and just come apart at the seams and when someone gives you two dollars at your very first hit first thing in the morning you believe in god you know it's a spiritual awakening you just go it's nothing can top that i mean it's that's it i can get a quart of wine i can be well till almost three o'clock you know and i don't have there's nothing worse that you know at 6 30 in the morning and you're five cents short. And nobody's giving it up, you know? And I had two dollars and I got my wine and I'm wandering off and as I'm walking by, I look and I saw my reflection in the glass and I looked, I saw this family sitting in this car looking at me. And I got angry. I knew they were judging me. And I'll tell you this, that those people weren't judging me, that was a real good Christian family. And, and I don't believe it has anything to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. But that was a real good Christian family, and that family got out of that car, and they all got on their knees in that parking lot, and they started praying for this poor drunk. I went down to my bamboo patch, and I opened my wine, and I go to La Puerta, the doorway. And I start to take a drink, and I had the damnedest thought I've ever had. I said, maybe I ought to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was just, where did that come from? You know? Now, I don't know. You know, this is real fuzzy, and I just try to... But I do remember I got to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don' t remember exactly what it was, how I got there, or anything else. But I remember these people had always told me when I came in that they were going to welcome me in the doors of Alcoholic Anonymous because they love newcomers and they love new people. And all I had to do was just come in, and they would take care of it from then on in. And I walked in this room, and they looked a lot like you people. All nice and clean cut, and their all smiling. I weighed 130 pounds. I had hair down past my waist. I had a beard down to my belt. I'd been living in these clothes for almost two years. I had wine stores, and a lot of things lived on me besides me. And ain't nobody welcomed me. I sat down. They moved over, and we're kind of going. And I'm looking around. I'm look at you people, and I'm going, I wonder if they have a room for the more severe cases. And I am nervous, man, because right off the bat, I start to listen. You guys are talking about God. And I've got to get out of here. And I go, oh, no. And then I saw they started passing this basket. I said, they're going to start singing any minute. I'm looking around. People are kind of looking at me kind of weird. I want to get out of there. I want To get out Of there. But then it happened. I started to stand up to leave, and this woman, she'd been watching me from the minute I walked in. She was my angel. I've never seen her again. She stood up at that meeting. She looked right at me, and she said, You know, when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 27 years ago in Long Beach, California, She said, I walked in here and I walked in the back door and I looked in and I looked at all you women and all you men and you looked so nice and clean and you were all citizens and you look so nice and I knew that I wouldn't fit here. I knew when you women saw what I was you would turn your back on me and I know I knew how you men would react She said I've been a prostitute since I was 14 years old I've done everything a woman has to do in the streets of Los Angeles to survive because I walked in here and I felt dirty and I didn't feel a part of anything. But someone grabbed me and they got me a cup of coffee and they sat me down and they put their arm around me and they said, please don't go. We need you desperately. And she started talking about the next 27 years of her recovery. She talked about the steps. She talked to me She talked with me She talked at home groups. She talked her sponsor. She talked this career and about the family that she got. And she looked right at me all the time she's talking. And she walked right over in front of all those people and she bent down and she hugged me and she kissed me right on the mouth. The bravest woman I've ever known in my life. Boy, oh boy. And she whispered in my ear, she said, Honey, she says, Please, please, don't go nowhere. We need you desperately. I've never cried that I can remember in my whole life. I didn't cry when I was in prison in Mexico. I didn' t cry with my son. I didn''t cry with my brother. I don't do that. But something happened that moment and I started crying like I've never cried in my whole life. It was the first time anyone in many years had ever welcomed me and showed me compassion and love and told me that they needed me. And I started coming back to this A&A. I wanted what you people had so bad. I didn't know what it was, you know. And I came in here with a lot of ideas You know, a lot of ideas A lot of old ideas I'm not an alcoholic I'm an addict You know I just can't afford any dope right now And wine's cheap It's a real light hustle You know I came in here and you people lied to me immediately Every one of you lied tome You told me if I'd stop drinking alcohol and my life would get better. I have no idea what alcohol does for you people, but alcohol is not my problem. It never has been my problem and it never will be my problem That's my solution, you know? That's what works. That's that allows me to live in this world. That's takes that fear away. That's walks those pictures out of my brain. It allows me walk through the world one day at a time, not in fear. And you tell me to stop drinking. Now, you also suggested that I do this stuff. You know, but I looked at that. I've never been powerless. I've been carrying a gun all my life. You know? Unmanageable. I love chaos. I hate wanting to know what's going to happen next to this very day. You know. And I saw this. No. You know they put me in a... See a psychiatrist when I was about 11 because I tried to kill this guy with a Coke bottle And I've been seeing psychiatrists since then. I've never been saying, what are you going to restore me to? I drove right by that, you know. And I saw that God stuff. No, I don't need that, man. It's okay for you people. But you know, God, he ain't never done nothing for me. I cried out to that God when I was in that prison in Mexico. I cried after God with my son, with my brother. I cried at the God many times. God never does nothing for us. He had nothing coming from me and I had nothing come from him. And that's just the way it was. He likes people like y'all that live up in the suburbs. He don't like people like me. I just piss him off, you know? So I got nothing coming from that. I just drove by it and then I saw that four-step and I said, what the hell is that all about? She said, well, you've got to write down everything you've ever done and admit it to another human being. I just about fell out of my chair laughing. I'd listen to you people talk at these meetings and I would be so embarrassed for you, you now. Where I come from, I really identify, Frank, You don't show weakness to nobody. Don't ever give anybody any ammunition, especially a man. I mean, you don't ever show fear. You don'T ever show any weakness. You DON'T ever tell nobody nothing. You know, make them prove it. You know if they got pictures, deny it, you know. Demand a jury trial and tell them you're innocent until they let you out, you know. I didn't do it. I don't care what you say. Never copped to nothing. And I'd listen to you people talk, and I just thought, oh my God. I said, I need to do that stuff. And I looked at this, and it was just exactly like what my dad had told me. You've got to work hard. You've Got to do this. You've GOT TO do that. And I found out, no, no. I've been in some of the worst places in the world, and I always land on my feet. I'm just going to figure out who's running this outfit. I will do absolutely anything that you put in front of me if I don't have to drink any alcohol. And if you're not there, I am screwed. And I meant it with every fiber of my being. And there was no deals. It was absolute, total surrender. I can't take one more step. And if You're not There, I'm dead. I went to that old man's house, Charlie, and it's like he'd been sitting waiting for me. I walked in there and his lovely wife, Edie, a member of Al-Anon for almost 35 years, And she's just so lovely, just a lovely woman. She got me a glass of orange juice and honey and sat me down and said, Charlie's been expecting you. And he come out just like that, you know, Hey, Chip, how are you? You know, and I'm going, Charlie, I don't want to drink no more. He goes, Really? She says, What are you willing to do about that? I said, Anything you tell me. He goes Are you done? I said I pray to God I'm done. He said, That's the right answer. He says, Kip, I've been watching you for a long time. People like you don't get sober. Very few of you get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. Something inside of you is broken. It's broken very badly and I don't know what it is that's between you and your God. But I'm going to tell you this. I don' t know why but God has given you a window because I can see it. And he said, This is what it's going to have to be for you for the rest of your life one day at a time. He says absolutely nothing. No woman, no job, no child. Nothing in this world could be more important than you doing the things that you have to do to maintain your sobriety. And that's a lot of work. He said, You willing to go by that? I said, Yes, sir. He says, Okay. He says come on out here with me. And it was on a Sunday afternoon and there was this park right across the street and all these people were having birthday parties and little kids running around and stuff going on and he says get on your knees. And he dropped to his. I'm looking and I says, Kip, these people have been stepping over you for the last three years. they'll probably be impressed to see you just on your knees. He got down on my knees and he taught me how to pray. And Charlie took me through those steps at a rapid pace and he got me involved. He was the director of the hospital institutional committee. He got me actively involved in the hospital institution and he made me do all kinds of ridiculous things. He told me I had to get a job. He said, sober people work. We pay our own way. He made me get involved in a step study meeting. He mademe get involvedin a book study meeting and I had to carryat least three commitments at all times. I hadto be at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single night. And he taught me what the word commitment means. And you know, I haven't been in AA as long as most of our other speakers, but I've seen something change, especially where I come from where commitment doesn't seem to mean the same thing. when I came in my sponsor taught me what it meant he said when I give my word as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous the only excuse for not doing that is I died on the way there and I mean he was deathly serious about that there ain't nothing when you say you're going to do something that's your job and you better show up God will get you and he taught me what the word commitment was and he made me go to work and I started understanding things a little bit at a time and I had to be in meetings and I hated people and he'd make me shake every person's hand that came in the room and get their name and he made me call three alcoholics not the same ones every single day and he mad me do all this stuff that didn't have nothing to do with sobriety you know ridiculous stuff I'd call him up with some earth shaking problem he'd go wait a minute hold on Kip he says listen there's a guy named Lou and he's at that Wednesday night meeting he's real sick I want you to go sit with him and then take him out and feed him that night. Sit with him until the bar is closed. And I'm going, but wait a minute. And he goes, need to hang up. You know? And I'd go sit mit this drunk and I'd sit with Him until 2 o'clock in the morning and I call Him up the next day and He goes, what was that problem you had? I go, I don't remember. You know, and that's the way it was and He got me involved and He caught me involved And I'm going to tell you that in 10 years of sobriety, I had achieved everything I had ever hoped of in life. Every dream that I'd ever had in my whole life was fulfilled. I had gotten a career, a very good career. I'd been very successful at it. I'd made a lot of money. I'd met her in a meeting about College Anonymous. And we had gotten married. and it was the very first time I'd ever experienced true love with a woman and I adored this woman. She adored me and she had three kids and I had my kids and we had a desire to stop drinking and that was about it, you know. I was involved in a church. You know, my family, I come from a long line of Pentecostal evangelists so I joined the Catholic Church. They have a prayer meeting in Oklahoma City every weekend for me. And I loved my faith, you know, and it has nothing to do with this, but I got involved in that and that was another aspect of my life and I loved the church and I love my church and I loved that. You know, and I was terribly involved in the hospital. I became the director of North County Hospital Institutional Committee and I would go out into these prisons five nights a week. I had commitments and I went everywhere and alcohol. I was sponsoring these guys and I had all this stuff in the world. You know? And I'd done a job I got to go to Australia and spent two months there and do all the things that I'd always dreamed about doing there. You know, when I was three years sober, I got a phone call. And this guy says, Your name's Kip Collins? And I said, Yeah. And she goes, Do you know so-and-so? And I say, Yeah She goes, That's my mother and you're my father and I've been looking for you. And that little girl that was born when I wasn't in prison, she tracked me down. she came into my life you know there's some things about me that I'm not very proud of like I told you I came in here with a lot of old ideas I spent a lot of time in institutions and jails in different countries and there was a part of me that I didn't look at real clear but I got to look at it and it had to do with my being a racist certain things I wasn't going to step across just old ideas and that little girl came into my life and it was like a dream of dreams came true and she brought me three grandchildren and my grandchildren are black and it's just it was just going like God going well Mr. Racist what you gonna do with this and that's the way my God has worked in my life every time I say never he goes really you want to make God laugh just tell him your plans and that was a great healing for me you know I went to Australia and I had everything I had it all I never dreamed my life could be so wonderful. And I came back, and I was reading the newspaper, and I'm looking down at the paper, and I read about this story about this man who broke into this woman's house and tortured her and sexually molested her right in front of her children and took a knife and cut her to pieces. And it was my daughter. And I'll tell you all that I'm perfectly capable of first-degree murder. That's not a problem, Especially if you touch something that I care about. And I am nuts. I'm crazy. I am absolutely insane, man. And I flip right back to who I am immediately. And I don't know anything about anger. You know, I know about getting ice cold inside and start making plans. Because I plan on getting away with my stuff. I don'T make a big scene. I get real quiet. I start making planes for you. And I'm making plans and I'm nuts. Absolutely insane. I can't sleep. I want vengeance. And I'm nuts and I can't figure out what to do and all of a sudden I remember what my sponsor told me. He said that nothing, no child, no job, nothing in this world can be more important than you being sober. You're doing the things you have to do to maintain your sobriety. I have to get, I said the answers are in the book. I haveと get the book, I'm looking for a loophole, you know. When I get to that part, the only thing, if anyone's looking for one, I've done a lot of research, there isn't one. It says very clearly that I cannot live in anger, that I can not live in resentment. Because when I'm living with those feelings, it cuts me off from the sunlight of the Spirit and the insanity will return and I will drink. It says if I can't get rid of this resentment, I've got to go pray for this person to have everything out of life that I want. And the hardest thing I've ever done in my life was get on my knees and pray for that man. And I'm not going to lie to anyone or tell anyone that I forgive him. It's something I work on on a daily basis. But the insanity went away and I was able to go be there for my daughter and my grandkids and I had the resources to get her some psychological help and the kids and we got through it and I didn't have to drink and I did not have to run and I do not have to hurt nobody. I did NOT have to hurt myself and Alcoholics Anonymous works and it works real good. You know, something had been going on with me and my wife and I adored my wife. I just absolutely adored her and I could not figure out what was going on and I said, Connie, what is up? man. Something's going on. And she looked at me and she just sat down and said, we got to talk, Kip. And I said, okay. She goes, Kip says, I love you because you're the man of my dreams. You're the best man I've ever known. And if I wanted a man, you would be the one, but I can't live this lie no more. And i said, what are you talking about? She said, I'm a lesbian and I'm in love with Chrissy and I can' t live this way no more and I don't want to hurt you, but i just can't Do it no more. And I do what I always do. I did not think she was going to tell me that. I thought it was something a little bit different, you know. And I react the same way I react with anger, you Know. And I said some very unloving things to someone I loved. And I went to my priest, you Now, who is a member of this program. And I'm talking to him because he's Catholic. He'll jump right on my side. I know he will, you Know. I know who to go talk to, you kNow. and he's looking at me and I'm telling him my sad story and he is going my, my, my, my. He is from Ireland and he has got a beautiful throat and he says you remind me of that guy you read that book a lot don't you and I said yeah because you remind me of that guy on page let's see what was it 61 what guy what are you talking about you know the guy the guy that thought he could rest satisfaction out of life if he only managed well the guy that sometimes he was kind and generous and modest and self-sacrificing and sometimes he would mean. But bottom line, everything this man ever did, there was a hook in it. He never did anything just to do it. Now you're telling me how wonderful you've been to this woman all these years and how she has wronged you. And you tell me that you love her. Love doesn't have strings. Now did you do all these things because you loved her or because you wanted to manipulate her? And I'm going, well, I don't know. He says, I suggest you go look at that and go do an inventory of your marriage and come back and talk to me. And I said, well what do you think? He says I think you owe her an amends. I go, I owe her amends! He goes, yep. And so I went and I started doing an inventory. He told me to write about love and I wrote about love. And the only thing I know about love is what my kids have taught me and what you people in these rooms have taught me. You didn't ask me about my sexuality when I came here. You didn't asked me about anything. You just loved me. You loved me at the worst parts of my life. When I was dying, coming to your meetings drunk and passing out on your floors and puking and pissing in the chairs. You guys loved me and told me to come back. Bunch of nuts. And I knew about unconditional love and I finally realized, you know, this woman had been a good wife to me. She'd been a great friend to me. And that I don't own her, and her sexuality is none of my business unless she wants to share it with me. You know, and that's her decision, not mine. And I had to go make amends to her, you know. And today, me and her are very good friends. She kept my last name, and she became my sister instead of my wife. And, I didn't know you could do that, you know. I didn' t know, you could change your relationship in a different way, you You know, and we're still good friends. And she's a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous and she didn't have to drink and I didn't Have to Drink and we got through it. You know right after that happened they told me that I had cancer and they were going to cut off my lips and I like my lips. You know? I like them right where they're at. I don't want to be moving them around. I went to this doctor and he said well you've got cancer and we've got to remove that and I'm going well you know what I talked to my sponsor he said go talk to another doctor I went to another one and I went to this doctor named Dr. Asher in California and he's a pretty famous plastic surgeon and he said he could do this surgery and I told him, I said you know what you can't give me anything that affects me from the head up he goes what are you talking about I said I've just been through some very traumatic things and I don't need to hide from any of it and the only way you can do this is with Novocaine you can knock me out and you can give me anything after it's over I said because I don' t know if I'll ever be able to stop if you started it, you know. And he agreed to it and I did it and I didn't do it because I'm tough, I'll tell you that. That was the worst thing I've ever been through in my life for the one thing I do know with all my heart that no matter what I got to do it's easier to stay sober than to get sober again, you now. And there ain't no conditions on my sobriety for anything or anyone. And I got through that, you known, and then this damn dog attacked me and damn near tore my arm off and I was in the hospital and it was the same thing. He couldn't give me dope You know, and through all this stuff, all the stuff started going. All the money. The house went. The boat went. I couldn't work anymore. You know? I was right back. There was nothing left. My daughter got married. And that was on good heart point. You know. And I gave her the kind of marriage wedding I always dreamed about. It was a great big wedding and I walked her down the aisle and it was one of the happiest days in my life. You know! But then she was gone. And then it was just me and my son. That's all there was. And my son got sick, and I sat in the hospital with him for three months. And on October 4th, 1993, he died in my arms. You know, and it was through these times that I got to understand about these promises more than anything. It wasn't when things were good. It was in the worst pain in my life when the promises came through to me. When my son died. and I held him to the last convulsion and I shaved him and I cleaned him and I got him ready for the mortician and I went down on my knees and I thanked the God of my understanding with every fiber of my being for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous because you see you people gave me ten years to be the kind of father I dreamed about being the day he was born and my son looked at me with absolute love. He adored me and we got to build that boat and we went on those fishing trips and he was a member of my home group and those men loved him and we were involved in the Special Olympics and I watched him graduate from high school at the age of 23 and they said that was absolutely impossible but we did it. And I got all my dreams with him. The day before he died, I came into the hospital that morning and the doctor said, you know, your son really wants to talk to you. And I walked in and his eyes were real big and he only speaks sign language and he told me he was just the biggest smile I've ever seen on a human being. He looked at me and he said, Dad, he says you don't have to worry about me no more. I said, what? He goes, Dad came and talked to me last night and he says he's going to take care of me from now on. You don't need to worry. You don' t have to worried no more." I went, well, that's good. And we had a nice day that day. And that night he slipped into a coma and he died. And I got to understand serenity. And serenety to me has nothing to do with a pocket full of money, with a beautiful gal watching a beautiful sunset. True serenITY to me is watching the thing that you love most in your life die and experiencing pain that you didn't even know that you could hurt that much. You didn't know it was humanly possible to hurt that much. But at the same time, in your heart of hearts, knowing that this is God's business, it ain't personal, and it's okay, it's all good. This is God'S business. This isn't about me. God don't make mistakes. And I can cry for my loss, but I can totally accept what's happening. And that's what serenity has been, total acceptance of God's will in everything in my life. You know, I got out of there I'd never done anything I'd ever been to school My family was gone Everything was gone I couldn't work And so I decided I wanted to go to school I'd only been to the 7th grade To make a long story short I went to college Just before I graduated from college They told me I had to finish high school To get this piece of paper and so I went to high school and I graduated from high school at the age of 46 years old and I got this piece of paper and I went in a completely different direction in the way I was going and of course when this woman left and everything was gone immediately I wanted to jam another woman in there quick and I'm telling my sponsor I'm so lonely he says you ain't lonely you're horny there's a big difference and he says you know Kip I'm going to tell you something and he said you cannot have a relationship until you don't need one I go what do you mean because as long as you need one you can't have one all you're looking for is someone to fix you because you've got to learn to be with you and like who you are and like your company and the day you like who you want and you like your life just the way it is then you can add something to it but not before and so I did that and I started doing things by myself you know I started doing stuff I'd never done by myself and I got me a nice little tiny house and I fixed it up and I planted flowers and it was just me and my dog and I and I I started going camping by myself and I dated a lot of women but I never got involved with any kind of relationship you know and and one day it was nice man I was just going you know what this is really cool I kinda like this everything in my life is nice and simple. I know where everything is, you know. And it's not, I like my company, you know. I like who I am. And it was a great revelation that I liked the kind of man I was. I liked the way I was living. I liked everything about my life and it was nice. And I said, you don't have to worry about God. But if it's your will, I would really love to experience true love one more time. But if not, it's fine, you You know, my life is full and it's great. But, you know, I would really love to experience true love one more time. And about two weeks later, I got this phone call. And it was this gal whose mother, I dated this gal and her mother had called me and she'd been gotten drunk and been gone for about a year. And I said, what's up? She goes, oh, she got in a horrible car wreck. She's got brain damage. She broke her legs up. She was drunk with this other girl and it was just a mess. I said、Oh, my God, is there anything I can do? and she said, yeah, you can come up and pick up your three-month-old daughter. I went, what? She goes, you didn't know? I went no. She goes yeah, you guys have a daughter. I was speaking that night in San Diego and I drove up to Los Angeles and they put this little baby in my arms and I looked at her and I fell head over heels in love. And I went thank you God that's just what I was talking about. You know? and I took that baby and I drove to San Diego and I walked into the podium and I sat her down right there and she's looking at me and I have no idea what I said that night you know and we went about our business it was just me and my baby and my life was full man and I just adored her and she loved me and her name is Natalie Marie and I call her Nanu Nanu and one day I was at a meeting that I've been going to since I got sober and there was this beautiful lady there that I'd known since she got sober I've got about five real quality months more sobriety than she has and she's just a wonderful woman very beautiful, very independent and a real strong member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I've just always respected her all my life and I've been an alcoholic anonymous and she asked me if she could hold my baby and she held my baby and I looked at her the way she was holding my baby and I went wow hmm I said so I said how's John and she goes oh we got divorced two years ago and I'm like really she goes yeah I wanted to have kids and he didn't And I went, oh, so you like kids, do you? And that lovely woman, somehow or another one of her weak moments agreed to marry me. And 13 months ago she put a little boy in my arms and his name is William Casey Collins and I imagine you've seen him around here. This is the first time he's ever come to me. They both came with me to this great convention and he is the sunshine of my life. and my lie I am God's favorite kid God has not hidden anything from me I've got to experience everything life has had to offer and you know what in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous works and it works real good I've gotten to experience every moment of my life the good and the bad and I haven't had to run I hadn't had amplify I hadn' t had to change one minute of it I've gotta live it and experience and learn and grow and I found out one thing that anytime my skin don't fit and I'm nuts and I're crazy. But if I want to get really honest with you, the only thing that's going on is that one of you people aren't doing what I think you should be doing. And I'm playing God one more time and all of my pain comes from there. So I had to change that serenity prayer and I'll leave you with this. I had it changed to make sense for me. He says, God, grant me the serenety to accept the people that I cannot change. The courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know it's me. But I'm the only one. I can never do anything about it. The only way I can do anything about it is with these 12 steps, the loving program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the God of my understanding. I want to thank you all for letting me be a part of this thing and that's all I got for you.