Why the Promises Are the Opposite of an Unmanageable Life – Mike L.

Hi, everyone. My name is Mike. I am an alcoholic. Our home group is the Carry This Message group of West Orange, New Jersey, and it's an honor and privilege to be here and participate in sharing this panel. I want to first of all thank Bobby for inviting us to do this. and second of all I want to wish each and every one of you a happy Independence Day I think it's pretty ironic that we get to be at this round up and speak on this particular day because if you're an alcoholic sitting in this room this afternoon I believe each and every one of us has had our own Independence Day and for us that happens to be our sobriety date when the power and love and grace of God gave us our true freedom and independence from King Alcohol. And my particular Independence Day date is September the 27th, 1993 and for that I'm very, very, very, grateful and there are a lot of people that know me today and a lot of people that knew me while I was drinking that are also grateful that I am sober today what we've been charged to do is to share our experience with going through this big book Alcoholics Anonymous which is AA's basic textbook A vehicle for learning and transmitting And sharing an experience, if you will For my first five, five and a half months in Alcoholics Anonymous I wouldn't have, as Scott R. is fond of saying I wouldn'T have known a step if it bit me on the face I was enjoying all the benefits of step none but i knew all about the fellowship because i had a sponsor who uh who was very let's put it this way he made sure that i got involved and busy right away in the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous um when i was about five five and a half months sober i knew how to make a really good pot of coffee matter of fact you tell me to do anything once and if it works for me of course I got to do it ten times so not only did I have one coffee commitment at that time but I had three it's funny somehow that when it comes to working the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous my actions and behaviors haven't always been that way. Which leads me to this picture, this card up here, which I think is really cute because for me it symbolizes my best efforts at taking the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I think at heart I am always the child as you see here and even when I'm going up these 12 beautiful golden steps, I still have a tendency to stagger and stumble and hit my head on an occasion. And I'm a human being today and I definitely don't do these things perfectly. A thought occurred to me a couple months ago that I have long stopped trying to transcend my own humanness. I'm not a spiritual giant in Alcoholics Anonymous. What I am is a child of God trying to do the very best I can one day at a time. So when I came into AA at five and a half months, because I was getting all those benefits of a step none, I was ready to make the supreme sacrifice as noted in our doctor's opinion. And I was read to... And I didn't have enough intestinal fortitude to shoot myself, to put a gun in my mouth. But the way an alcoholic like me takes himself out is to go get a big old bottle of vodka and as many pills as he can possibly find and go rent a hotel room for the weekend to just do myself in. And luckily, before I took those actions, I shared that in the meeting, that that's where I was at. You know, it's like you ask a newcomer, how are you doing? Well, I'm actually going to be honest and open enough to tell you. So I wasn't doing too well at about six months sober. And I had seen these 12 steps up on the wall. I didn't know we were actually supposed to do something about them. I just thought maybe they were a decoration or something. I was given a big book at my very first meeting, and by the time I got willing to open the thing up, it was so old bats came flying out of it. But eventually I did open that big book, and I had a sponsor who literally in my early days of sponsorship, he literally just stayed one step ahead of me. And I'm here to tell you, if you are two days sober and you think you don't have a message to carry, you think You don't Have Something to Share with Someone, one day sober, what I would suggest to you is that you tell that person who went one day sober how you got two. And that's literally what this man did for me. And he literally stayed one step in front of me. So I was introduced to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Whenever I do something like this or speak on a big book or do weekend studies, the thing I like to talk about first is our AA logo or symbol, if you will, which is really not AA's logo or AA's symbol and never was. We just borrowed it from other spiritual entities. And that's the circle and triangle, which represents the three legacies of Alcoholics Anonymous. At the base of that triangle is recovery. On one side of the triangle is unity. And on the other side of that rectangle is service. and that triangle is inside a circle which keeps all three of those legacies connected and if I apply each one of those legacies into my own personal life that promises me that I can become whole as one, united and free. See what I learned about that symbol is that it's not a symbol that's unique unto Alcoholics Anonymous, it's an ancient spiritual symbol which means mind body and spirit and what that circle represents is that when you apply these three legacies into your life which is the three legancies of the 12 steps 12 traditions and the 12 concepts of alcoholics anonymous if i apply all 36 of those spiritual principles in my life i can become whole as one in body mind and spirit something that i never had my entire life and what that symbol also tells me is that a offers a three-part solution for a three-party problem and what my sponsor and the other teachers i've had an alcoholics anonymous have shared with me is that Alcoholics Anonymous offers a three-part solution to a three part problem that I get to find in my first step. And when I was newly sober, I thought that the first step only consisted of two different parts. And I thought that I had a disease of the body and the mind and I didn't really know much about the spirit. And later on in my sobriety, I found out on page 64, it talks about once the spiritual malady is overcome, then we straighten out mentally and physically. So not only do I have a disease of the body and the mind, but I also have one of the spirit. And what I found out is that there are sections of this book that I can apply to all three parts of my first step. And the way I've been shown to do that is i personally like to break the first step into three parts and i like to look at those sections one at a time and the first section i look at is the body how am i an alcoholic physically why can't i drink like normal people whatever normal is by the way i heard recently that there are no normal people in this universe only those who have not shared with you yet. And I can definitely identify with that. So why is it that once I put any alcohol in my body whatsoever, the same thing each and every time I drank happened? Every time I drink, the same things happen. I wanted another drink. So why ist that? Once I have one drink, I have to have two. Once I have two, my body wants three and four and on and on. And before you know it, I'm closing up the bar at 2 a.m., and I really don't know why because I just didn't intend to do that. That wasn't my game plan for the evening. I just wanted to go have a couple to take the edge off. Can anybody relate? Any alcoholics in this room? Okay. So I found out in the doctor's opinion that if I'm an alcoholic I have what back in the 1930s Silky called the phenomena of craving he didn't even quite know what it was he couldn't even fully explain it but he knew that the actions of alcohol upon these allergic types if you will sets off a craving and all that craving means is I can't just have one I gotta go have more So I use all the information in a doctor's opinion to page 23, which is in chapter 2, there's a solution, to look at the first part of my first step, which has to do with my body. The physical aspect of my disease. Then I look at this second part of me, the second part on my first set, which is my mind. people are telling me I was mental long before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and you guys proved it true the parts of the big book that I use to look at my mind are pages 23 to 43 and not only do I see that I don't have a body like a normal person but my mind isn't like those normal average social drinkers either and my mind tells me neat stuff like, well, you can just have one and it won't burn you this time. Even though you just got popped for a DWI or you had a case and you ended up taking on the Monmouth County Police Department. Neat stuff like that. My mind does real neat things according to the big book, like go into strange mental blank spots. Has anybody in this room ever had what I call a sober blackout where you haven't been drinking whether it be for a number of years or just a couple days and before you know it you wake up or come to with a drink in your hand and you have no idea yeah we got alcoholics in this room so I can have strange mental blank spots I can drink on a horrible day I can think I can dream I can sleep I can get drunk I can eat I can go to bed I can take a nap I can do whatever I want I can live on a great day. My mind tells me to drink when it's raining outside and it tells me that I'm going to have a good time. It tells me when the sun is shining. My mine tells me to drink when the team loses or when the team wins. My mind tells me to drink when she leaves or when she stays. So that's the mental aspect of my disease. And then I found out I suffer from something called a spiritual malady, which the best description of the spiritual malady that I have ever found in the big book is found on page 52. And all that spiritual malty is my separation from a power greater than myself that will keep me sober. I call that power God today. And on 52 it asks me to take a look at certain parts of my life, certain areas of my live to see how I'm blocked off from that power. And it asks me neat questions like, Mike, are you having trouble with personal relationships? No, never. I get along with everyone. Mike, can you control your emotional natures? Anybody ever ask you guys or make the statement? You get angry over the most smallest things. The most minute things upset you. people used to tell me that all the time because I couldn't control my emotional nature. I'm a prey to misery and depression and I couldn' t make a living. And for me, that doesn' t just mean my career or my job. I could not make a happy and successful life for myself. I couldn''t do that on my own power. I had a feeling of uselessness and I was full of fear and I was unhappy and as much as I tried my entire life I could not seem to be of real help to other people and for me those things don't apply just when I'm drinking but they can apply when I am stone cold sober in Alcoholics Anonymous if I let up on the spiritual program of action so what I would ask if you will, what I would ask you guys to do is consider where you're at in each one of those areas today to maybe take a brand new fresh look at your first step. And then I came to the second step. And for me, in the beginning when I was new, because I like to look at the steps today in two different ways. How did these steps apply to me when I Was Brand New? And how do the steps apply to me today? Because it changes. You know, this thing isn't rigorous. And I guess this is a good place to say this. The way we talk about the steps and the way we talk about this book up here today is not the only way. There is not one way in Alcoholics Anonymous. There's not one way in spiritual living. But I think what the big book does for us, or AA in general, it just offers the best solution for the most amount of people. And what we're here to do today is to just share our own personal experience, strength and hope. So when I was new, you know, I really can't, I guess I'm kind of unique because I came in Alcoholics Anonymous where virtually no concept of God whatsoever came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And I came in here with no concept of God because I wasn't really brought up with one. I wasnít brought up with a religion or anything like that. And over the years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I kind of got these concepts. I kindof went from the group to higher power to Christ to Buddha to Krishna and just kindof came full circle. And now today Iím back at no concept. Because the most beautiful statement that I think this book makes for me, that deep down inside every man, woman and child is a fundamental idea of God. And it is in that place that only God can be found. So deep down inside, each and every one of us is that fundamental idea God. Which is really strange for alcoholics because for all our lives we always went without and never within. And what I tell the guys that I sponsor today is that if you continue to go in, you never have to go out again. If you continue to look within yourself, you never have to go without yourself again. And the way I took the second step when I was new was I came to believe that a power greater than myself could help me too. I was willing to believe. The question in the book asked me at this point, do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself which will solve my problem? And I said, yeah. And I moved on. And then I got to look at the third step when I was new and you know what? I've complicated the thirdstep way too much in my few short years of sobriety. And i think the best way I've ever looked at the third step is when I was about six months sober. And the thought just occurred to me, you know what? This third step, this making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God, because I didn't know what my will in my life were. And what I found out later on that my will is my thinking and my wife is my actions. So the way I look at that step is today is that I make a decision to turn my thinking and my actions over to God. But when I was new, the decision I made was I'm going to go on with the rest of the steps. I made a decision to do four through nine. And that's the simplest way I could look at it. Because four through 9 literally is how we turn our will which is our thinking and our lives which is our actions, over to the care of God. Before I turn it over to our second panelist, I'd like to read a little parable that I like a lot. And I think it really tells what the 12-step refers to as a spiritual awakening or a spiritual experience. what is this spiritual awakening how do we awaken spiritually so this power this parable says a beggar had been sitting by the side of the road for over 30 years one day a stranger walked by spare some change mumbled the beggar mechanically holding out his old baseball cap i have nothing to give you said the stranger then he asked what's that you're sitting on Nothing, replied the beggar. Just an old box. I've been sitting on it for as long as I can remember. The stranger said, ever looked inside? No, said the beggary. What's the point? There's nothing in there. Stranger said, have a look inside. The beggar managed to pry open the lid and with astonishment, disbelief, and elation he saw that the box was filled with gold. I think Alcoholics Anonymous has nothing to give you but rather is telling you to look inside not inside any boxes in this parable but somewhere even closer inside yourself so now I'd like to introduce our second panelist who is going to describe to us the steps that get us to look inside ourself, and that's Carrie C. Thanks, Mike. Hi, I'm Carrie, I am an alcoholic. Hey, Carrie. Four through nine. I mean, like four through nine in 20 minutes, that's just like a, it's just to whet your appetite. I love Mike's description of the first step I think that everybody says the first step is the step that you have to get right every day and on some level I agree with that but for me it's the second step that I need to get right every day because I have to believe that I am not my solution that God is and when I know that God isn't my solution and not me then I can go through the rest of the steps because really that's what we're making the agreement that I'm a problem God and AA is my solution, so why don't I go about doing that and not doing drinking, doing what I normally do. This isn't beeping. Okay, never mind. So 439. Well, you know, the big book, in the third step, it goes through this whole long thing about the actor. And it broaches this three pages about how alcoholics are selfish, self-seeking dishonest and frightened and basically how we make decisions based on stuff that put us in a position to be hurt and about how i as an alcoholic want you to behave in a certain way so my life will be much more comfortable um and how we go about doing these things either being nice or being mean or both whichever will get my way you know and bill you know the bill goes through this before we go to go to the fourth step because he wants us to understand in a general way what the nature of the alcoholic is. And then we come to the four-step, you know, and it has four separate inventories to look at exactly how I do that in a more detailed fashion, you know? And I've seen many templates. I've seeing so many different kinds of forms and four columns, eight columns, long forms, you now. But every good four-stepped has several questions. Who? What did they do? What didn't affect? And the seven areas itself, you You know, was it my self-esteem, my pride, my pocketbook, my personal relations, my sex relations? Lost it. What? I always stuff on, yeah. That's always my favorite one. I try to do this without the big book because I feel that sometimes I can get really stuck behind talking about the book and quoting the book and not really talking about my experience with the steps. And since I only have 20 minutes, I really don't have time to go through the book And all I have is my experience. So let's get it again. Sex relations, self-esteem, security, personal relationships, pride, and security. There we go. Got it. So does it affect those seven areas? And where was I selfish, self‑seeking, dishonest, and frightened? And with me, you know, a lot of times I didn't ‑‑ in almost all my relationships, you You know, I was the victim because, you know, everybody does something to me and nobody behaves the way I want them to. And I wasn't really able to see where I made the decisions that put me in the place to be hurt. I didn't have clarity. You know? My life was about what people did to me. And about my pain and preventing more pain. And really all I did was cause more. Because I spent my whole life thinking about my comfort. About basically keeping myself safe. And, you know, an alcoholic trying to keep themselves safe is really a huge mess because I'm babysitting me. I'm taking care of me. And there's no God in there. You know, and that's why, you Know, in the third step we make this agreement saying, Okay, I'm not going to play God anymore. God's going to do his job and I'm going to be God. I'm just going to try to do mine. And my job is to look at where I'm trying to be god. And that's really what the fourth step for me is all about, to give me clarity. You know? That's something that I lacked my entire life. and it's something that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me and specifically doing inventory. And it's not something, it's nothing that I did the, you know, obviously I did a four-step the first time, you know, and I went through it. It was a very broad thing and I had like a hundred resentments and my fourth column was a little sketchy, you know, my sponsor pulled some teeth there, you know, as I've gotten sober and as I stayed sober, I've been able to I've been able to go a lot deeper and I've been able to really take a look at what exactly it was that's causing these things what belief systems do I have that keep me in these situations that put me in this place what belief systems do I have that make me want to control you in order to make me happy and Mike said it best when he ended when he said that I went without I went to everyone else but me and God my entire life and I made everybody I ever came in contact with my higher power because I expected everybody in my life to give me those seven areas of self that I never remember all seven of them. I expected God to fulfill all those things. I wanted God to give myself esteem. I want God to people to fulfill my pride, people to fulfil my self esteem to giveme my ambitions which was usually to be liked, to have prestige to have money, to let people adore me you know, those are usually my ambitions or were my ambitions. You know, I expected people to give me those things. And when they failed to do so, I got resentful. And so when I'm looking at my fourth column of my resentment inventory, what I'm really looking at is what expectations did I have on you? What demands did I Have on you what belief systems brought me here? But most of all, where was I playing God? Because had I been accepting, had I Been being the print, you know being the agent and allowing God to be the principal, allowing God to be The Father, and I'm the child I wouldn't have these resentments that's the bottom line you know, and that's why when Mike was talking about the third step being a commitment to go through the steps it's exactly what we're talking about in the fourth step is looking at exactly where I failed to align my will with God's so when I look at my resentment inventory that's what I'm looking at and when I Look at my fear inventory for me my fear was always in direct connection with my resentment and I could find I don't think there was ever a resentment that I didn't have at least several fears associated with. And the bottom line is that most of the time everything I did in my life up until I got a little bit of God in my wife was motivated by fear but I didn t know that. I thought that you know I was taking care of myself and I thought that that was playing by the rules and I thought that, well, I thought I was God. That's the bottom line. And I love that the book says that beer is the corrosive thread in our life. You know, and I look at my life as being a tapestry. You know? And my life is this big tapestry, and if you think about a corrosive threat, I mean, think about this. Would you ever like you know, go up into the attic and see like, you know really old pieces of fabric and they have all kinds of holes in them. They're musty and they're just falling to pieces and they like break off in your hands. That's what my life was like before I had gotten into the steps. There was no continuity. There was no strength. There was nothing but holes. You know, and for me you know fear was the thing that was eating at the seams of my life. You know, I thought it was alcohol, but it wasn't. You know? It was my spiritual sickness. And for me, spiritual sickness and my fears are kind of like, they're interchangeable. You know. My spirit malady is usually motivated by what I'm, by my fears. And my belief systems that are attached to those fears. So when we do a fear inventory, I mean, I've seen a lot of different types. And they're all really interesting. But they really, you know, they come down to several different questions that are in the book. You know! It's like, what am I afraid of? Why am I scared? you know and what's a different way and one of the good questions that I like to add in here which is really from resentment inventory but what decisions did I make based on self because of this fear so basically what I'm asking is how is my fear related to my resentments and when I can see that that my fear is often directly related to my resentment I can say that there was a lot more than what that person did to me that created that situation. And for me, it helps solidify my part in things. It's one thing to look at my part and say, okay, all right, I shouldn't have yelled at the person. Darn, you know, I got that temper and I curse a lot and probably shouldn't throw the remote control. You know, that's real easy to say, okay, that is my part. But when I look at what I do, I look into my fears and I say, you know what? I spend my entire life looking for other people to give me a sense of self. And who you think I am is who I am. And if you think I'm no good, then I'm nothing. That I have no opinion of myself outside of what other people outside of me see and no sense of self and no God worth within. When I see that most of my resentments are based on me trying to control how you perceive me and they're directly related to these fears, I can honestly see where my part is. That maybe I didn't do anything but my belief system that says that you need to like me for me to be okay, which is directly to my fear of being rejected, not liked, not loved, not good enough, worthless, and therefore no good. All of those fears are often directly related to that belief system. And that belief syste got me in trouble more times sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and drinking. So when I look at these things and I do that inventory and the first time I did the inventory it was just what am I afraid of and why? And later on, it was, okay, what am I afraid of? Why do I continue to perpetuate this? Why do i still believe it today? And why is it so important to me? And a lot of times the bottom line is that there's not enough God. In the big book, it says lack of power is our dilemma. The bottom line is I fail to gain access to a power greater than myself when I'm stuck in self. And if lack of powers my dilemma and the only power through which I can stay sober for me is the power of God and the grace of God working in my life, then fear and resentment, all the manifestations of self that block me off from God, I need to find them, and I needと find them now. Because for me, that's the only thing between me and a drink is God. So then we talk about sex. And, of course, sex inventories are nice and fun. Oh man, I've done hours on talking about the sex inventory Talking about it, I said But my sex inventory is often They're a lot like my resentment inventory And they're a little bit different They're not like the fear that I was just talking about Basically, you know, I need people to stay in my life I want to control you And I want you to see me in a certain way So that you'll stay You know, and And I like the way the book puts it You know, it says, you know, who did we hurt? That's the first question. Not who do we have the relationship with. Who did we heart? Because he's assuming that some of the people on our sex inventory are going to end up on our amends list. You know? So the big question is, who do WE hurt? Where do we arouse jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness? And that I do remember. And, you now, where was I at fault? You know. And again, where is my part? And I love it. What could I do different? you know and through this asking myself what I can do different with my fears and asking myself what I could do different with my sex inventory I have a good idea of what I should be doing and what a spiritual life looks like today and that's something I didn't have I didn' t have a vision of what doing God's will looked like and for me it's real simple love, tolerance, patience all those wonderful things that I like to say I live by but sometimes fail to do miserably but that's why we have these inventories And then, of course, the harms inventory, which is exactly like the sex inventory, but people that you didn't have sex with are people that you didn t resent. Just in case some got through the cracks. And then I take all these inventories and I do a fifth step. And I think the best thing I can say about the fifth step is simply that my brain can t fix my brain. My broken spirit cannot fix my broken spirit. And that God s light shines through two windows better than one. And that when I sit down with another alcoholic and I share my brokenness with them, and I'm vulnerable and I am honest. And sometimes for me, you know, my fist step, my first fist step was the first time in my life that I was ever vulnerable and honest. You know? And when I sat down and I do that, that fabric that I was telling you about, that moth-eaten fabric of my life, that it was riddled with fear begins to be knitted back together. Because again, I gain clarity. You know, and the great thing about the fifth step is that it's something that you practice. It's not something that for me that I did once, but something I've done over and over again. I've done a lot of fifth steps because I'm an inventory junkie. And so I write lots of fifth steps, or fourth steps, so then I happen to do lots of fifth steps. And as a result of that, you know, I've had that experience when I've been able to share myself with another human being and be honest about who I am. And I've in grace to listen to a lot of fifth steps. So therefore, I have been able allow God to work through me and sit with another woman and do that for her. For me, that's been some of the most healing experiences in my life, you know. And having shared that, you know, once having looked at all the parts, all the areas in my life that I'm unmanageable, all the years of my life where I'm playing God and not being the child, I'm not, you know, following direction, you know, and I share that with another human being and I share that with God, you know, then I ask God to take all these things and simply because lack of power is my dilemma because I can't fix me and then I need to allow God to come into my life and to heal me because I've been trying to fix me my entire life. I did it with alcohol, I did with men, I did it money, I do it with food. I do with anything and everything I can get my hands on but God. You know in the last analysis I had to go to God to ask God to fix and I can tell you that it works. You know once having been mended and it's not something like I took you know I do the seven step after a fifth step you know. I usually do it for the person who heard my fifth step after i take a quiet hour you know which is i sit and i think about what i just talked about and ask myself if i lied now if i missed anything and then i take the sixth i take the sixth step and i ask myself you know am i willing to have god remove all this and usually after having done that fifth step yeah pain now take it please and then I say the seventh step prayer and I say The Seventh Step Prayer usually with the person that I'm doing the fifth step with and um and then i right then and there make up a list because what better to allow god to work in my life but take more action because faith without works is dead so i make up this list of people that i have harmed and i become willing to make amends to those people and usually i'm willing to making mention these people because i had just finished a fourth step and a fifth step so it really hurts and it was really hard and i don't want to do that again And I want to fix it because, wow, that was a big mess. You know, so for me, waiting a long time between doing my fourth and my eighth step gives me time to rationalize and justify why I don't need to make those amends. So I make up the list, and I sit with my sponsor, and we figure out how I'm going to go out and make those Amends. And the bottom line is this, is that, you know, I put a lot of harm out into the world through the things that I did that I wrote about in my four steps. And I need to go Out and I need To Fix Those Things because I need to allow God to rebuild my life. And the way that I do that is by taking action. And God has come through me and allowed me to make amends in my life and fix relationships that I thought could never be fixed, you know, and things that I felt were broken that would never, never be mixed. And healing. You know, the healing that I talked about in the seventh step happened for me in the ninth step. It wasn't something that I found when I took the seventh steps. There was something that happened in the middle of my ninth step. And what I want to talk about here and what I want to close with is Mike talked about, you know, on page 52 the eight points of an unmanageable life. Right? And I just want to bring you back to it because I want to compare it to something for a second. So I'm going to be a little repetitive for the tape, but that's okay. And it says, you know, we're having trouble with our personal relationships. We can't control our emotional natures. We're prey to misery and depression. We can't make a living. We had a feeling of uselessness. We're full of fear. We're unhappy. We can seem to be of real help to other people. That's where I was before I embarked on these steps. That's what I did. That's why I started writing my fourth step. And by the time I got not even halfway through my ninth step, the first time, you know, amazing things happened to me. And I'm going to tell you what happened. It says that if we're painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we're halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We'll comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we'll see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We'll lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us, and we'll intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We'll suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Is that not the exact opposite of page 52? I can't believe the day that I was, you know, that missed. You know, if you want to hide something from an alcoholic, you put it in the big book. And I was going through the ninth step with a sponsor, you know, and I was reading this. And normally, like, I'm like, oh, we hear the promises all the time at meetings. Oh, let's skip that. You know, let'S get into the meat and potatoes, you know, because I'm kind of a rabid big book thumper. And I read that, and it just struck me. I'm, like ,oh, my God. Those promises are the exact opposite of the eight points of an unmanageable life. And what Bill promises us, he brings us from page 52 to page 84. And he says somewhere between these pages, you will find this. You will go from this to this. And that's been my experience. And that is why we are up here talking about this. And it is not because it was nice to not have to pay the 20 bucks to get in here. And wear a pretty dress and talk in front of a bunch of people. But the reason why we're talking about this is because this is my experience, that if you do this, you'll go or I will go from a wreck to somebody who can embody the light of God, who could be a vessel of God. And that, to me, is a wonderful promise. And with that, I'll call Kat. That'll sound great. Okay. And let me hit... Hi, everybody. My name is Kathy, and I am an alcoholic. And my sobriety date is January 1st, 1991. I did not make a New Year's resolution. It was made for me when I came in. Feet first. I don't know, Mike and Carrie are tough acts to follow some ways. I'm here to speak about 10, 11, and 12. Sometimes I think those are the easiest steps to do, and then I turn around and some days they are the hardest steps to do. At the end of the 11th step, I may mix around a little bit. At the 11st step it says we are an undisciplined, alcoholics are undisciplined, which is why we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. And that's what Mike and Carrie have been talking about. Steps 1 through 9. It's a plan for living. However, somebody was very smart when they gave us a step 10, which said continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any wrongs, make amends promptly. Because as much as I would like to believe that I could become perfect while I still walk on this earth I'm still human. Mike said he has given up the idea that he can transcend his humanness and yeah, I also I am human, I am going to make mistakes and for that I am very grateful that I have the rest of the steps step 10 tells us we have entered the world of the spirit our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness I have had my spiritual awakening by this point having gone through all the stuff that I went through to get to the tenth step I surely don't want to throw it out the door by resting on my laurels I don't wanna sit there and watch all of the work I have done up to this point go away because now I can kick back and enjoy life I can enjoy life throughout the whole thing. So like if I cleaned my house and I did a superb job from attic to basement and I got rid of all of this stuff and I've cleaned it and everything is spit and polished and perfect, if I don't keep it up, my house is going to be just as much of a wreck as it was when I started. I don'T want this house to become a wreck again. So I continue to take personal inventory, which is nothing more than going through steps four through nine on a regular basis on a daily basis, you know, quickly. Step 10 talks about continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. It's the fourth step. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. Steps 6 and 7. It says we discuss them with someone immediately, step 5, and we make amends quickly if we've harmed someone, steps 8 and 9. So right there, in very few passages, it's step four through nine that I do on a daily basis. I watch. I spend my time. I've had my spiritual experience. I know what it's like to live in the sunlight of the spirit. I want to stay there. When I move away from that and it gets dim or it gets dark, I can take steps right then and there to come back to center. I go to work. I have problems with my boss. I can start and come backto center. I have the things I need to do to keep myself there. It doesn't mean I'll ever not move away from it, but I don't want to go so far away that I can't find my way back to center. Here is where it tells us that love and tolerance of others is our code. This is bringing the principles that I've learned up to this point, the steps that I have learned into my daily living. then it gives us some wonderful promises in the tenth step and it talks about we've ceased fighting anyone or anything even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned whoa I get my brains back we will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted we recoil from it as from a hot flame we react sanely and normally and we will find that this has happened automatically we will see that our attitude towards alcohol has been given us without any thought or effort on our part, it just comes. This is not a thought that I could have ever had prior to doing the work, prior todoing the steps. This is the miracle of it. We're not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We've not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. My problem of using alcohol as my higher power has been removed because I've managed to clear the pathway, and I have another higher power. One is that it's much more powerful than alcohol ever was. It says we are neither cocky nor are we afraid. This is just our experience. This is how we react, and here's the warning. So long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. i need to keep that spiritual condition now that i've cleared the path to god i need to keep it clear okay um a lot of people talk about 10 11 and 12 is the maintenance steps and i think that comes from the next the next paragraph it talks about uh what we really have as a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition to me i like to think of them rather than maintenance as is sustenance. Maintaining something for me is keeping it in the same place and I don't want to keep my spirituality in the same place. I want it to grow and to build which kind of segues right into the 11th step in a minute. So I like to think of them as sustenants where I can feed it rather than just maintain what I have, I want to feed it so it grows. It says every day is a day that we must carry this vision of God's will into all of our activities. Here is where we take what we learned and bring them into all of our activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. And it's the proper use of the will. You know, I turned my will in my life over to the care of God in the third step. Now God's turning it back to me because I've got it, you know, we've got it on the right path. I have the use of my will today. You know? It's not like I don't, when I turn it over, it's not like I lose it completely. I've got it on the path that's aligned with God's will for me. I want to bring up to step 11, one of the ones that I really like a lot. It's easy. It's prayer and meditation. Continued, sought through prayer and medication to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out the book gives us a nice little pattern to deal with this if we need to to start off it gives us times to do it in the morning what to do in the evening, what to do at night, how do we do an evening review, take a look at my day it's not a huge thing, there are many ways of doing it, I've had people who do it written and they take all those questions that they ask Where was I selfish, dishonest, frightened? Do I owe an apology if we kept something to ourselves? The questions are on page 86 in the first paragraph. You can answer them. As I said, I know people who do this rigorously at night. They write out every one. I've done that at times. I've gone many different ways. Sometimes I just review it in my head. sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a review but in the next morning I'll wake up and I'll finish it, I'll just try to do the review as I said I still haven't transcended my humanness so sometimes I actually do fall asleep but it's a way of looking at my day I may not catch everything in a tenth step, I maynot catch when I was selfish or I maynot catch whenI was rude to that person or, you know, driving to work and the guy cut me off and I had some really unkind thoughts about them. That's the nicest way I can put it. You know, so that I, you Know, maybe I don't, sometimes I catch it and sometimes I don t. But when I review my day and I get quiet and I ask God to show me, I get some of those answers on the things that I need to clear up. So there are, you Now, where was I resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid? Do I owe an apology? Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once? Was I kind and loving towards all? What could I have done better? Was I thinking of myself most of the time, or was I thinking what I could do for others, of what I can pack into the stream of life? Those are the questions that don't take a lot of effort to go through at night. But there is a big difference when you don't. When you don' t review yourself on a daily basis. It does give us a warning, though. It says, but we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflections. I've gotten into a place at times where when I'm not in fit spiritual condition and I do my nightly inventory, I can use that as a baseball bat and go, you're dumb, you stupid, you shouldn't have done that. All these things that I should have or shouldn't Have done. And it tells me, that's not what it's about. It's not about beating myself up. It's not about looking at the terrible things that I've done. It's about how do I not do this again? And I have to be aware of what I do so I can be aware of how not to do this igen. How do I continue to stay on the path that God wants me to be on? How do i stay connected to this higher power that I have worked so hard to clear away that path? It gives us something to do in the morning. It talks about thinking about, as we wake up in the morning, thinking about our 24 hours ahead. From my review last night, I can take a look at, is there something that I need to do? Did I do something yesterday that I need to make an amends for today? Do I, you know, what are my plans for today, just in general? Sometimes it's like a laundry list type of thing or shopping list type thing of things I have to do. Sometimes it'S much more spiritual and deep. but taking that time and I must admit unfortunately I have been terribly remiss in the last couple of months about doing my morning meditation and I feel the difference from it extremely and I've been trying to get back to it and like any other discipline like any another habit when I let go of it it's really hard to come back to and it's slow going and it's like I'm trudging to get there but I am getting back to it on a little bit more regular basis what I find that my meditation my first thing in the morning always is and I have not lost this one I wake up in the morninng and as I open my eyes and I'm not one of those people that perk up in th e morning I'm one of these people that have to set the alarm at least a half hour sooner than I want to get up because I hit the snooze button about three times But the first time I have a conscious thought in my mind, what I do is I ask God to show me what his will is for me today. To help me to follow his will. That's as simple as my morning prayer tends to get at times. But I try to make it my first conscious thought after hit the snooze button again. And then I get up and I go about my day and I do my meditation. One of the ones that has helped me a lot in terms of the type of meditation I've done has been one that comes from the Oxford group very early on. It was something that Dr. Bob did, which was, it's called, there's a pamphlet out there. I don't have one with me, but there is a pam phlet out here called How to Listen to God. And it's just sit down very quietly with a piece of paper and a pencil and write the thoughts that come through your head. Just simply write those thoughts down. Sometimes they're very deep and wonderful and very spiritual, and other times it's what I need to get at the grocery store. You know, I've had some experience with this, you know, where things have been brought to my attention in my meditation that I need to address. Sometimes it's some person that keeps coming up in my head, you know, and it's a need to call them. I had a, Mike and I, actually there was, Mike was doing a fifth step with somebody. And they were staying at our house for the weekend. And we were meditating. The three of us were meditating together. And that's, by the way, a wonderful practice if you have someone, you know, with you to do it not just singly but together. Because it does tell us that, you Know, we can ask our friends to join us in morning meditation. so we had it was mike and i and this other person that were that was uh that mike was working with and we were in meditation and i was getting i was doing my writing one and i kept getting this this meditation that said watch gizmo now gizмо happens to be our little dog i'm going watch gIZMO and i judged it and i kind of threw the thought out and i quietly and a few minutes later the thought comes about watch gızMO threw it out again third time i wasn't writing it i was judging it the third time i said all right finally let me put it down maybe it'll just go away if i put it down and i wrote it down said watch gizmo and it was later that day i believe it was that um we have a fenced in yard i put the dog outside and someone had left the gate open and my dog had took off they told me to watch gismo and i didn't and he took. We found him. He's back. He's okay. But, you know, it was just one of those little things that, you know, there is intuition. I'm, you know... It's not huge lightning bolts. At times, it's very simple. Other times, I get nothing. But it's the discipline of doing it that I think is the spiritual practice. It's nicht necessarily what I get. It' s the discipline of doing i. That is... That clears away the passage. So that if there is something that god needs to tell me at least i'm listening and i don't have to go wait a minute i got to figure out how to use this telephone before i can get the message back you know but there are many kinds of ways to pray and meditate there's no one way that's right like there is no one concept of god that's great so whatever you know try try everything pray everything meditate every way and find out what works for you. And sometimes they change. My meditation changes at times. It moves, you know, I do one thing for a little while, sometimes it gets stale, sometimes I need to do a little bit differently. Before my time runs out, I want to quickly to step 12. Unfortunately, I hate to do it quickly, but, and it's a lot in there, but step 12 talks about working with others. That this we've learned and now what we need to be able to do is take it out to other people. a friend of mine that we heard recently up in Rhode Island was talking about we talk about doing in the book when we're working about we're talking about doing the work and that we think that going through the steps is the work it is work but it is not the work that the book talks about the work that the books talks about is to take this what we've learned and carry it to the next person who is sick and suffering the work really begins at the 12th step steps 1 through 11 are our preparation so that we're right with God and now we take it out and take it to the next person who is sick and suffering there's a movie out there that I absolutely love that if for me exemplifies 12-step work and let's pay it forward I don't know if everybody's for I love that movie that's probably one of my favorite movies in the world and if you don't Know What The Appremise Is it It has to do with somebody does something nice for you. You take that. Don't pay back the person that did something nice for you, pay it forward to three other people. So I'm not going to pay back my sponsor for what she did nice to me. I'm going to do and pay it to at least three other People out there and hopefully carry this message to somebody else so that they can get what I got. Because if I give it back to the same person that gives it to me, we're just going back and forth, just the two of us. And the two Of us can be wonderfully sober but where's the rest of the world? so I need to take it and pay it forward and that's what the 12th step is about I want to read one more piece do a little bit more reading in the book because this is our whole group's called carry this message and it comes from the 12 step it's the first two paragraphs and working with others it says practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics This works when other activities fail. This is our 12th suggestion. Carry this message to other, this is what we do in our group, to other alcoholics. You can help when no one else can. You can secure the confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill. Life will take on new meaning to watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow about you, to have a host of friends this is an experience you must not miss we know you will not want to miss it frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives and then the book goes on to tell us how to be a sponsor it tells us specifically gives us directions this is a textbook how to work with other people all right and without going through all of it because i've got about a minute left um i'm not going to but you know it really does give us this and it tells us right in the book that probably the person that we're working with is going to help us so much more than we're going to Help Them and this have is my experience i have found my doing my steps has been my kindergarten it's been my preparation it's been a joy to clear up my garbage, but more than that to watch somebody else to grow, to clear up their garbage, to see the light come on in their eyes is something that is just absolutely the most wonderful thing in the world. Please don't not do that because you're frightened or because you don't know what to do. There are lots of people who can show you what to doing, but the joy that comes from watching somebody else recover far surpassed my ability to recover. And that's God's gift to me when I can do that. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I'm Mike Lawrence and I'm still an alcoholic I want to thank both Kathy and Carrie for their experience, strength and hope in the forward to the 12 and 12 it says that the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature. If practice as a way of life can expel the obsession to drink and render the sufferer happily and usefully whole. What a beautiful promise. And I hope the message that we've conveyed to you has expressed that. We have about 10 or 12 minutes left. we can open it up to the floor if there's any questions criticisms a better way to do it which I'm sure there is if anyone wants to share their personal experience with the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous we'd love to hear from you guys because today as far as I'm concerned I get fed more from listening to other people than I do hearing this old windbag. So please, someone go up to the mic or I'm going to have to talk more. Go up to the mic, please, for the tape or else Dick will yell at you. My name is Scott. I'm an alcoholic. Scott. 12 steps thanks to all of you for your message it was really powerful the way you put it across in words I can never find the words to describe what an effect it's had on me I find myself searching a lot of times for words but they saved my life basically if it wasn't for those steps I would be in a really bad place or maybe dead somebody was 12 step and they came out in the middle of the street on the yellow lines in the middle ofthe street and put their hand out to me and said hey how you doing I've seen you around let's talk and I stuck around for some reason God came into my life a little bit at a time and it was shown to me And the directions were there all the time, you know. I just never paid attention to them. I still had my will, I still didn't have to do it my way because that's the way it was, you don't know what got over me. I'm happy to be down and showing my way side. And that was even a sign. Some of the guys were here from the bunk clubhouse and walked up these steps. Something came in, I was sick. and my sponsor took me around to different meetings and introduced me to people, had me walk around and introduce myself to people so that they could get to know me. I got to the top of the steps and I saw a sign that said, if your wife was so good, what the hell are you doing there? And it just made sense to me. It was just ironic and funny, I guess. And the same thing, when I was standing in front of, I used to park in front this place and go eat at a soup kitchen and the place was called The Last Stop, which is now my home. And I looked up and I just kind of was like, yeah, that's where I should be instead of out here. And now I am. And it's all because of the steps. And it' s because somebody took the time to show me, here's the directions and read them. You know, you have your questions, I'll help you through them. And that's what just totally enabled me to be able to change and making her stand looking inside that box to see if it will feel like a film but anyway if it wasn't footsteps like I said I'd be in a dead spot and I had to do the work I showed up I was in and out of the program for about 12 years. And I showed up, I would leave early. I didn't do any work. I didn' t get a sponsor. I didn''t do anything that was suggested to me. I sat there and I was a yes man. But once I had just surrendered completely and asked for help, which is all I could do, my God, and I wish I would have made it through. and I'm still working on a lot of things but life is just getting better and better every day and it's just like they said you're amazing and you have to go through and do it right so that's all I can say thanks thanks Jamo, go to the mic please go ahead Jamo go after her I'll try to be the direct one. My name's James, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, James. I'm going to have to put this down and put it on high. Thank you. The first step in my life was the 12th step in another man's heart. And I was complaining. I don't remember what I said I mean. I said, I feel like shit. And a guy says, he's still worried about a pass. And another guy came up and said, well, before I have eight drinks. You know, and that meant something. I said, well, what do you mean by that? You know? And he says, uh... I said well, I'm trying to accept, you know, my condition. And he said, don't accept nothing. He's like, this is all about action. We're going to get you busy right away. And I was kind of not really too happy about that. You know. He said, sir, this the very best thing we've got for you. We're gonna put you there right away You know and he opened up the big book between us. And that was a happy solution for me. You know, that I can be happy, joyous, and free when I'm solving problems in my life. And one of my biggest things on manageability is talking in front of people. So I guess I love to be talking in front of you guys. And it's been a... I like when they read the 12th step. That people in my life, newcomers and new people are the right spots for my life, and that's so true for me today, you know. I was always concerned about trying to live where I think everyone else wanted me to be instead of really who I wanted to be. And I'm starting to get a little better going in that direction. Still a lot of things with my family and trying to fit damn old and brand medications help me a lot to get still and really look at what's my ideal, not other people's. Yeah, the 12-step including the excluded. That's a big thing. Maybe when I'm wrong. There's another thing Well, those are two big things Including the ex-movie I knew when I was new I was scared I was terrified If there wasn't guys That came up to me Maybe I'm sorry I was in detox Almost a year ago And I had a tease To AA before that And I took like a survey I went up to everyone I said Have you ever been In an AA before? And I'm like Why didn't you stay? The two things I got from people Was Nobody made them Feel welcome and war stories. You know, so what I try to do with people is always make them feel welcome and try to talk about the things that are working for me in my life. You know? And that's funny, I was trying to tell some people even when I was drunk, but it was just burned into my consciousness right away that I needed to do that. You know. And I was in my, when I came back from that relapse, there was a guy in my group at an old time, you know, and just, it didn't work for me. He said, son, you need to stay in your first three steps for your first year. Now, I've been in that outpost nine years. You know, and I was all about the middle of the road doing not much. And I'm still all about the middleoftheroad. You know? But then I had some guys that pushed me a little forward that pushed be down the slide. You know. And I am very grateful for you people. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you so much. Hi everybody. What do I tell you when I'm calling? Hey. First of all, awesome job. I mean, very well put. I can tell you're That was something that was impressive on me early on was my response to the module was step 10, step 10 and step 10. It's like if I talk to him about today he'd say okay well I've reached step 10 but he didn't quit. But you know I decided to come up and speak because this morning prior to the investigation I didn't want to be here today. I thought well I have a lot of things to do. My wife said why don't we go? And I'm sitting here and not doing any of this for a minute. And then recently, I realized that I was struggling with the light and fluffy meetings and the hours of days and things like that. And I started to lose faith in AA in the sense that my life is good and the meetings that I go to are awesome. But what am I doing, you know, to help make it better? You know, and being there, what we were told when we first came in, at least I was, that I need to be around people who are positive, who are enthusiastic. and sometimes when we're out there by ourselves and you go to a meeting and you sit there and you're like I'm the only old timer here which is kind of pretentious in a way and I'll admit that freely but it's funny, I read another big book as a result of this program and it was talking a lot about wisdom this morning and where that wisdom comes from and where can I get it if I don't come here and listen to experiences like you folks it's easy to get from places to being around I get into these little groups but that little voice that we were talking about you need to say something, you need to realize that life is good and that we do a good work program spiritual awakening sometimes we get back to where at least I did where I got sober in the state of Tasmania there was one meeting that met three times a week, and that was it. And now maybe half. If you want to go to a meeting you've got to go back to the drive. So getting sober coming and moving back to a metropolitan area is a sport. I mean, you can really get nuts sometimes. It's just that Newcastle County alone and South Jersey and I'm looking at you guys it's mind-blowing sometimes. Granted, it's a small explosion, but for me it's I get so nervous you know like I want to control we talked about directing the lights and so forth and I'm like I care so passionately about this program that it does sometimes I forget I can do it and you're God in a complex so I don't need to sort of but being here and hearing you three talk and how helpful you've been and some of the experiences with people that I've met you know I took a new camera and I'll shut up for days years ago I took her first to their first meeting and the only meeting available was a midnight madness meeting at a local clubhouse. So 1130 at night so lots of kids and hearings and all this stuff and people were getting up. Nothing wrong with that but I wanted to take them to a real up-and-down, serious, sober meeting and what was amazing to me is people were out getting coffee and it was just disruptive and it wouldn't have been a meeting you know that person hasn't had a drink since then because they're related God uses whatever he needs to get the message across not fed down thanks thanks for your comments from the mic 164 says still you may say but i will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book we cannot be sure god will determine that so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon god he will show you how to create the fellowship you crave our book is meant to be suggestive only and we certainly realize we only know a little god will constantly disclose more to you and to us ask god in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order, but obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with God is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then. And let's close with a serenity prayer.