Why the Monday Night Big Book Seat Became Her Home – Ann W.

My name is Anne Wood, and I'm an alcoholic. Is that good? And I know how to follow direction today too. I want to tell you that we just got into the airport at 1.30 today. We got over here in an hour. It's my turn, so here we are. I want thank the committee very much for inviting me here. a true privilege to be here and to be with you. It feels good. God, I just, you know when someone speaks from the heart, you can feel it, and it's different, and that was good, and I appreciate you, and thank you. I also want to thank my baby. One of my babies came, and her husband. And I always like it when my babies are around because the bottom line is when the people that I sponsor are around me, they make me act better than I am. They do. I appreciate that too. Also there's one more thing before I get started that I just want to say about two people that are in this room that I met that first came from Texas to came to the Monday Night Big Book where I got sober. I had been sober for a while and this couple came in and they're in this room today and they have more time than me. And when they go to a convention, they show up. They show up at all the meetings and they sit there and they've never gotten too big. And I appreciate you guys very much. I appreciate that you guys are here and in thisroom. You're an example to me that no matter what you do, you come to a convention and show up at all the meetings and you sit in your seat. And you don't just do your little bit and bail. And I love that. Thank you. Anyway, I want you to know that I'm a car painter and a bed wetter. That my home group is the Bellflower Big Book Group. That, uh, my sobriety date is May 18th, 1981. One, that I have a sponsor. Her name is Millie G. She comes from the Pacific Group. And I want you to know that I gave it everything that I had, every single solitary thing that I head, every bit of personal dignity, every bit of kindness, all the things that I was taught as a small child, one chunk at a time, I gave It away. My mom and dad were really good people. I like to talk about my dad. He's talked about in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. He's what you call a heavy drinker. They describe him perfectly, and he used to say things to me like, Ann, you just muster it up. You remember who you came from. You remember Who you are. You just pull it together, and you just don't drink. Wow. I pulled it together and I remembered Who I was, and I had to have a drink. It's just the way that it was. He was a fine little guy, and He did drink a lot. But they talk about Him in the book, and I don't understand those people, but there are those people out there. He was a crazy little guy. He was the little Portuguese man from Tulare, California. He was in a little gang many, many years ago and they were out drinking one night in the bar and one of his buddies got his finger cut off. Wow. Now if you've never been in a room of drunk Portuguese people, you've really never lived because what happens is we're like Italians and we move our arms around a lot. You know, you're just moving around like they're very emotional and you're moving your arms around, but the language is, say, you got to get a lot of spit in your mouth. So you're, and, you know, and it's just part of the language. And what is happening is out there is these Portuguese guys, and they're drunker than skunks, and there's about 20 of them, and they'RE just rowdy and emotional. And this doctor says to this little woman who was 21 years old from Kansas, you need to go out there and tell those guys they need to be quiet. They'RE just too rowdy out there making too much noise. Can you imagine how much she wanted to do that? Oh, my God. Here's this little girl and she goes out there and she says, You guys are too rowdy and you're too loud and you guys need to be quiet out here. This is a hospital. This little man spun around and he looked at that woman and he said, I'm going to marry you someday. And he did. That was my mom and dad. See, now my dad, his drinking caused problems in their little marriage. And he quit. Wow. In the book, it talks about people like my dad. It talks about people who are heavy drinkers. They fall in love. A doctor has... Something so profound happens, has an impact on their lives, and those people can quit. I do not understand them. I know that my father didn't love my brother and my mom than me anymore. Then I loved this eight-year-old little girl that I had when I got here. But when I have to have a drink, I have to have it. At the end of my drinking, there is no more option. You don't get up in the morning and say, I'm having a cup of coffee or I'm going to have a drink. I'm drinking because what I used to do is I'd get up in the morning and I'd say, oh, I am not going to drink today. I am NOT going to DRINK TODAY! And within five minutes you're having a drink, not because you want to have it, but because you have to have to drink. You have to be able to work, you have go to the market, you have drink to breathe in and out. There is no option. And what you do is when you promise yourself that, it takes a chunk of you. It takes a chunck of your spirit and it takes a chunk of your soul, and it's just one chunk, one chunk. And when you get to Alcoholics Anonymous, you're very sure if someone takes the top of your head off, it's black in there. There's nothing left. My little girl was she had nowhere to go. She's the little kid that's eight years old at three o'clock in the morning and her mama sliding down the hall crying drunk. And she's the one that gets up in the morning. She pats me on the back and she puts me back to bed and she says, Mama, everything's going to be okay. Because of women in Alcoholics Anonymous and a program called Alcoholics Anonymous in sobriety and people who have loved me enough to tell me the truth on a continual basis, even if you've hurt my feelings, I was able to let that girl be the little girl that she needed to be. She didn't have to be the mother anymore. And because of women and Alcoholics Anonymous teaching me how to be a mom, because I did not know how, she got to be the child and take her place as a little girl. and I got to have the privilege of being her mom. I also got the privilege of just last week she has six years of sobriety in this program and I'm blessed to have her back. She was a good little girl and you know I was she has forgiven me because of this program she has forgotten me and I am so blessed. Anyway, talking about my mom and dad because I like to do that My mom and dad did everything they could. I have a brother who's two years older than I am. He never acted like me. He never drank like me, never acted like me he just wasn't like me he was very kind he was very honest he was just a good kind guy he still is he's an architect he lives over there in Coronado Island with his lovely little wife they're just so weird they have a glass of wine and sip it it's sickening anyway when he was when we were little kids part of being in this family is we went to this church now you know these feelings inside of me they can't be my fault they gotta be your fault or her fault or their fault or his fault or somebody else's fault I can't read this weird all by myself maybe it was that stupid church you know what I mean in an inventory in Alcoholics Anonymous I found out that I have a disease of twisted perception it was never that church it was not it was always never them it was ever you it is me It always comes back to me, no matter what it is. Twisted perception, I thought it was that church. Part of being in this church seat is that you've got to go line up on the wall five o'clock at night on a Friday or Saturday at noon. You line up On The Wall and you go into this little bitty room and you tell this guy that you don't even know what you've done. At eight years old, I knew that was a bad idea. I'd get behind my brother and I'd watch him and see my brother's not like me. He has no conflict with that. My brother's never had any conflict with following the rules. He just goes there and he does what he's supposed to do. He didn't have to read a book. He just does the right thing because it's the right thing to do, you know? I mean, I just love him. Anyway, he'd go in that little bitty room and he'd do what he was supposed to doing there and he would go up and get in front of that church, he would get on his knees say his prayer, I'd go into that little bitty rooms very, very dark in there. If you've never been in one of those little bity rooms, it's very,very dark in there. And there's a little window and it slides open. Wow! Now I'm very, Very Little and I'm Very, Very Afraid so what I do is I just lied I made up stuff how bad can you be when you're eight but you know I couldn't help it I just made up I have had an attitude about me all my life it's none of your business it was none of that guy's business so I would make up stuff the guy had never been married before what do you know about life I'm not telling them. When you're eight years old and you've got an attitude like that and you put some booze behind it, it can cause you grief. It really can. Angry, I've always been angry. I've also been afraid. Afraid, I have always been afraid People have always scared me. I've ALWAYS been afraid So what I learned when I was a little bitty kid is you put a smile on your face and you're fine How are you Ann? Fine How's everything going? Fine I'm just fine. Everything's fine None of your business either Fine. People leave you alone when you're fine. You don't create any problems. There are no problems. You're just fine. It's good. That's why I want you. I want your right out there. I don't want you to know what I'm thinking. I don'T want you TO get inside of me. I DON'T want YOU to know how I feel. I'M FINE. THANKS. FINE, ALWAYS BEEN FINE LIKE ME, I'M FINE DON'T WANT YOU IN THERE DON'T WANT you TO KNOW AND AFRAID THAT you're not going to like me, always. Anyway, I found in my inventory that if you keep a person like me afraid for a long enough period of time, I become angry. And if you keeps me angry for a not long enough time, for a short enough period of time you see, I'm enraged. And if he keeps me enraging for a longer enough period of time and you put a drink in me, I just do crazy and bizarre things. But I'll never let you know that I'm angry because I'm always fine and I'm always smiling, and you never know how mad I am until I paint your car. I was going with a Norwalk sheriff. The fool had hurt my feelings, not just a little bit. He hurt my feeling badly. I'm laying on the couch. I'm drinking. Thought occurs to me, you know, I ought to paint his car. I don't know why. I drive over to a store called National Lumber. It was a little town called Bellflower. They had national lumbers then. Drove over there and got myself three quarts of candy apple paint, screwdriver, plastic bag. Drive over to the Norwalk Sheriff's Station parking lot. Out of the peripheral vision, I can see black and whites going in and out and in and up. I don't care. When I get that far gone, I got that much booze in me. See, I don' t care. I just get crystal clear. I'm on a mission. Do you know what I mean? you take that plastic bag and you walk in there find that green cougar he loved that green couger he loved rub on that little green cugar you know he loved that car take your screwdriver out start in the front pop that first lid throw it on the front second lid throw it on the top third lid throw it on the trunk watch this red paint drip off this green cuger for a few seconds now I'm drunk but I'm not stupid I didn't stay there very long but I did enjoy that red paint got the lids, got the cans got the screwdriver, put them back in the plastic bag don't want to leave your fingerprints it is a police station, you know what I mean are we so weird get that plastic bag and walk out of there like I own that joint and I don't care if you catch me when you get that far gone see I don' t care it don't matter if you touch me I'll pay the price, I don''t care I just gotta do it It don't matter. I got a rage inside of me that I can't even tell you, and I'm always fine because it's none of your business, and I won't let anybody in. And I've had men in my life who have loved me, and they say, I love you, Ann, and I go, what do you want? The hole inside of mir is so big that there isn't a human being alive that can fill that hole. I tell them exactly what you should say. The poor guy's going, exactly what I tell him to say. Well, that ain't it. I had to tell you. You idiot. it's never enough the hole is so big inside of me that nothing is ever enough I want a big house, big car, big diamonds I have a hole inside of me that is so painful that the only thing that fills that hole see is a drink I got this rage that I don't know what to do with and I'm always fine. Now I don' t want you to think my drinking was always bad 1979 1979, disco dancing. Oh, my God. If you missed it, too bad. We were so very cool. Wore these very, very little short skirts. You have these big platform shoes. I don't know if you guys ever remember. These big platform shoe. Really, really. And they have glitter glued all the way around the bottom. Do you know what I mean? Because when you go into that bar, there's a big ball in the bars and it had mirrors glued to it. and there's a ball that starts spinning around and you're dancing, you know? And that light hits down there, reflects on the glitter on my shoes. I'm looking good. Do you know what I mean? Now you have four or five drinks before you go to a bar. It's very scary to go to bar sober. You can't go to Bar Sober. Do you Know What I Mean? I mean, you got to have a few drinks. You got to get fired up. You got your clothes on. You got you get your makeup just right. You got get your hair just right You got it get fired up. Can't go into a bar sober It's Very, Very Scary. You have four or five drinks before you go. You have five or six more after you get there. Five or six, maybe. Maybe more. Just depends. Here she comes. Oh, jeez. Do you know who she is? Can you just shut up? Can you jut shut up and dance? Can you jus shut up an' have a good time? Can you juts shut up & dance? No, I can't. There's this rage inside of me and I don't know what drink it's gonna be but here it's going to come. I'm going to just be a, I am. It's going to happen. I don't want it to happen that didn't used to happen when I first started drinking. It started happening later in my drinking. Why? Why can't you just dance and have a good time, Ann? I don' t know. Here she comes. I got volatile rage, and I stand toe-to-toe to the biggest idiot in there and say something stupid to him like, go ahead and hit me, I dare you. Oh, and they do. Now you have blood coming out of both your eyebrows. See, because when I get that bark on, you've got to pop me twice. Pop, pop, you're going to lay me out. Because when I'm coming at you, it's just over because I'm crazy. And when I start heading at you I'm going to go and I'm gonna take it all the way until you just flat knock me out So there I am laying on the floor of Basin Street in Lakewood It was behind Sears I'm laying onthe floor and I have blood coming out of both my eyebrows and I'm going, why do you act like that? Why do you talk like that, what is the matter with you? Why are you so angry? You weren't raised like that why do we have to act like this? Why do we act like that? What I learned from that is there's bad people in the bars, they're getting rough out there you better start drinking at home. That was it. That's what I learned. Alcoholism is an isolation a desperation and a loneliness. If you understand it in here this afternoon you do and if you don't I can't explain it to you. It comes from way down deep inside. It's a lonely, it's a loss. It's darkness. It's an frightening place. Alcoholism took everything out of me that I ever had, every bit of goodness that I never wanted to be, every dream that I've ever thought. And it just takes it away. I am tied to drinking. I cannot stop. I can't go anywhere. I can do anything. I have to have a drink. If you're not going to drink, I'm not going to go. If there isn't going to be something there for me, I'm not doing it. It totally controls your entire soul, everything about you. And if people ask you too many questions, you just cut them out of your life because it's none of their business either. And I'm fine. Thanks. Smiling. This little girl is, she's eight years old and I go to the market. it's very close to the end of my drinking it's one of those nights that you've overshot the mark the night before you know what I mean you got a half a glass of wine cigarette butt in it you run around the house looking for a drink I gotta have something I can't go to the market without something there's gotta be some booze around here I gotta drink I cannot breathe there isn't anything it's all gone you've been a pig one more time and there's nothing left. Half a glass of wine, cigarette butt in it, you walk up to that, take that cigarette butt, flick that baby out of there and drink that half a glass of wine because it's my wine and my cigarette butt and I need a drink. And I'm so grateful that at this kind of conference that nobody went, eww. Jesus, I wonder about people on Alcoholics Anonymous that go, eww, like if you haven't drank a little bit of tobacco, like what's with you? When I need a drink, I need a drink. There is no option. I need to drink. I don't care. I need your drink. Leave that kid in the garage. There's five Mormon kids that live across the street. I hated them. And now if you're a Mormon, don't come running up to me because I don' t care. It's long over. They love me. I hated their mother too. The reason that I hated them and I found out in my inventory is these are perfect little blonde-haired, blue-eyed perfect little Mormon children. Lovely little children, very well behaved. I leave them in the garage with my daughter whose lip's singing to Debbie Boone, You Light Up My Life. She's running the whole show. I have no idea where she got that from. And there's these little kids watching her. She's singing away and out I go. I found in an inventory in Alcoholics Anonymous that the reason that I hated those kids is that every Sunday morning I'm sitting in my couch looking out there waiting I know somebody's going to call and tell me I can't remember what I did but I have pending doom and I know that it was ugly and I can remember what it is but I know it's going flash in there and I'm going to remember it and I don't want to remember it but I can feel it I just can't remember exactly what it was and I am looking out this window and out comes these five little kids they are all clean and they are nice and they look like they had breakfast and they get in this dumb old brown station wagon. Out come that lady. She's in a nice dress. She walks out there, and I'm watching her, and I're looking behind my curtain. She's In a nice Dress, and she gets in her little station wagon That woman has fed all five of those kids. She has clean clothes on all five of those children. Those kids are all corralled. They're in the car. And out he comes, the husband, and he's in his suit, and they drive off and go to their church. Oh, I have to hate you. All I've ever wanted to be is a good mom and a good wife and I don't know how to get there. So I learned in my own way, in my old ways, in my soul, that if you have what I want and I know how not to get it, I just have to hit your guts. It's the only thing that makes it okay for me is see, I just had to hit you. I have make you wrong. I hated her. when I got sober I was able to talk to her and I told her what an impact her family had on me how much I wanted to be just like her she looked at me and laughed and said oh my god Ann I've always envied you you look like you've been having so much fun what a blessed thing for me to be here I did not get here because I drank a little bit of wine and spit up I gave it everything everything that you don't talk to from the podium but on a one-on-one I'm willing to tell you anything this is a general description of what I was like and what I felt like was desperate and afraid I'm the one that you go to the store and I need to drink real bad. That half a glass of wine isn't going to get it. So what you do is you go over to the market and you buy your, to Lucky's. They have Lucky's then. You line the whole bottom of your cart with your Gallo's Pink Chablis because I'm a fine connoisseur of wine and Lucky's brand vodka. Now, I'm not telling you to buy any of those little bitty bottles. I just do not understand people that buy those little bitti bottles. Instead of dog ear, dog leg, some little bittie bottle. Why? I want big. I want a big bottle. I don't want to be running out. I want the whole bottom of that cart lined. If I want it in a little bitty bottle, I'll pour it in an old bitty little bottle, but I'm not buying one of those stupid little bottles. I just think that's just too weird. Why? Here I am, so I've got this whole bottom of the cart lined, seeing it gives me courage. And then I run around and I buy stuff that makes me look like a good mom. Like I buy fruit and I bought vegetables and I'd buy bread and I would buy eggs and I might buy meat like I'm going to cook. Then you run back over to the liquor section. You get yourself two Mai Tais in a can. Oh, my God, was that ever so cool. Mai Tis in a Can, seven different kinds of rum. Black stuff kind of floated on the top. Don't ask me why, but somebody said that lit on fire. I had to try it. Poof, mine did too. Don't stir it. Don't shake it. I like that brown stuff on this top because what it does is that you take it and you take a swallow and it kind of makes your head go whoop. I love that. anyway you run around and you get that you're sweating like a pig now I don't know if you guys understand this but you're sweaty like a piggy and your hands are shaking and you're up at the check stand oh man, that lady's going to know I don' t want that lady to know so you get to that check stand and you make sure she puts those two cans in a brown paper bag I don''t care if she puts the rest of the stuff in plastic but I want those two pans in a round paper bag and I'll be dinking around looking in that plastic bag for my two cans I need a drink She puts them in a brown bag. You open up the car, you find the brown paper bag. You open the car and you just get in your car. Leave the groceries out in there. Who cares? Leave them out there. They're just sitting out there in the sun. I don't care. Pop that first lid. Here it comes. If you understand this, you've earned your seat. You pop this lid and here it comes and you fire that baby down. Oh, it goes down inside of me and it just goes... Jesus something will do that for me it's hard for me to give it up I'm going to be able to keep my skin on I'm gonna be able to keep breathing I'm not going to get these groceries out of the cart I'm be able drive home fire down that second can here comes again God I can do it now muster up all your energy and drive home here's this kid with these Mormon kids in the garage everybody wants to keep me happy so they're helping me this kid drops a bag that's got my wine and splatters all over the garage floor and a sick mind like mine says she did that on purpose see so I gotta grab her and get her on the floor and start choking her in front of those Mormon kids cause my head told me she did you did that on purpose so now you're down on the garage floor with your kid and these little blonde haired blue eyed kids are just like and the thing that makes me let that kid go see as if one of them drops anymore I'm just going to blow up right in front of him so I let her go and I just run around and I grab a bag and just run into the house and you don't use the glass and you fire that vodka down again and again and again until the feeling comes and your head goes I probably ought to go out there and say something to them kids but if I do then I got to look at the way I drink and I'm not quite ready yet to look at theway I drink so I do what I've done all my life put a smile on my face and start talking real fast come on you guys we got these groceries, we got cookies, we've got some ice cream in here you guys just get them in the house you start winding them up and you start kind of maneuvering them around and everybody you know and you kind of calm down and everybody and your kid looks at you and goes she's going to be okay now and in the House we go and nobody says nothing you live like that day after day after day after day after day I have a hymn he was a brown paper bagger I know there's brown paper beggars in Vegas nobody wants to admit it but I know you guys are out there it's two people that are sort of married sort of you know you're like sort of married and you drink never in the same bar very dangerous to drink in the same bar he drinks in his bar you drink in yours you get home first Oh, I don't like that. That means he's out having more fun than me. So what you do is get a brown paper bag, throw some of his clothes in, and put them on the porch. He drives by, sees a brownpaper bag, grabs a bag, gets the heck out of there because it's very dangerous to come in my house when the brownpaper back is on the couch. China hutches fall over in the middle of the night. People get hit over the head with hammers because we're having fun. Just for clarity, he was the china hutch man. I was a hammer person. Seemed like such a good idea. Do you know that blood spurts out? Because we were having fun. Alcoholism is isolation, desperation, and loneliness. It is. Right before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had two girlfriends left that at least come to my home. They brought their boyfriends over. He was in and out mode, brown paper bagging it. And I'm mixing them drinks and there's music on and they're getting tipsy and dancing and I'm struggling in my own kitchen behind a brown paper bag trying to pour vodka in this little bitty hole of a Diet Coke can because I don't want them to know. I'm in my old house. I can get as drunk as I want to. I don' t have to drive. I can slide down the hall. I don't want them to know. Something wrong with the way you drink, Ann. It talks about it in the big book. It's just our little brain opens up for a few seconds. Wow, what's wrong with you? Something's wrong. Something's going on with theway you drink. When I tell you that I'm a car painter and a bed wetter, see, I'm one of those drunks that drinks so much I can't wake myself up. You're at the bed, you're atthe car, it doesn't matter. You'reat the couch. That's how I live. Try to blame it on somebody or the only one in the bed. It's difficult. Alcoholism. There was a woman at the TikTok down the street from the beauty shop where I work. That's what I really do for a living is I cut people's hair. 2.30 in the afternoon, the booze that I had drank that morning was worn off. My hands are shaking. I'm sweating like a pig. Do you know that people don't want you to cut their hair when you look like that? So what you do is run down to the little TikTok and you buy yourself your Gallo's pink Chablis and you say something stupid with your head down because, you know, at 2.30 in the afternoon we have to explain why we're drinking. Well, the working women will be coming in soon, but we don't make eye contact. The working women are going to be coming soon, so I'm going to be able to give them a drink. They don't care. Do you know they don't mind? They don' t care why we' re buying that booze at 2 30 in the afternoon, but I've got to tell her why. It's for those working women, you kno. Here I am, you kno, and I got my head down and I've got my chains in the bag. I'm watching the bag she's putting on my wine in the bag, and I need that real bad. And every once in a while, I'd hear Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, I looked up. Did she say that? She didn't look like she said that, so I put my head back down. I did this woman's hair. She never one time said, Ann, you drink too much. She was a very good member of AlcoholicsAnonymous. I'd have my head down. AlcoholicsAnenomous. I lookedup again. Did he say that?" Doesn't look like she said, I'd put my head back down. This went on and on and on. One day she says, I got this tape. I want you to come out to my car. Listen to my tape. Oh, do you know what I wanted to tell her? It was two 30 in the afternoon. I had a drink since nine 30 inthe morning, but because I'm me, I said, okay, fine. Okay, fine. She pops in this tape, very old voice, very old voice. The man had an impact on me. I don't know why. Very old voice, he said Alcoholics Anonymous, made me know that lady had something to do with Alcoholics Anonymous and he had this laugh. It was a high-pitched teehee little laugh. Grabbed me, grabbed me. His name was Chuck, see if you ever have a chance to buy one of his tapes. He touched me. I don't want to tell you that he was my buddy. I'm not going to tellyou that hewas my friend. I'mnot going totellyou that I went to his house. I'm goingto tellyouthat I was soberfor a long enough period of time that the man was sober. And before he died,I got to listen to him many, many times. And it was a true privilege to be able to be in a room with a man like him,with a manlike Norm Alpe, like women like Alabama, with people that had impacts on me that touched my soul so that I could be able to stay that gave me hope on a continual basis that a crazy person like me has a chance that a person with a volatile rage that just does not know what to do with themselves that knows they're going to explode from the inside out has an opportunity to stay sober in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous that we don't have to choke our children anymore that we won't have to wet the bed that we wouldn't have to drive our cars and keep one hand over your eye and still see double. And when I'd be driving down 91 Freeway, they'd say, Bloomfield, Bloomfeld, Bloomield, Bloomfold. Jesus, wow. So you close one eye, you got it down to two. It just says, Bloom field, Bloom Field. You're better. I never killed my kid. I never hit anybody, thank God. In Alcoholics Anonymous, I have learned not to have any kind of an attitude about anybody that gets up to this podium because by the grace of God, it could have been me on a continual basis. Anything that has ever happened to anybody in this room could have happened to me. I'm so truly blessed. I called this woman, Marion. I said, Marion, I think I drank too much. Oh my God, do you know how happy we get? Are we sickening? Oh, you can see her. I could see her face on the other side of that phone. Oh, honey, I've been waiting for you for such a long time. She was so happy it was just... Do you think you can not drink for half an hour? Oh my God. Half an hour is no time at all if you're smart enough to have a drink. If you call them before you have a drinking, a half an hours is forever. Oh my god. If you're going to call those people and you need a drink first, you can't do that. They actually ask you, Can you not drink? for a half an hour. Oh, I need a drink. Best thing I could say to that woman is, Marianne, I'll try really hard. I'll Try. Half an hour later, she calls me back. We're going to a meeting in Bellflower. Bellflower, oh my God, that's where I work. Don't you worry, it'll be all right. We are going to the Woman's Club. The Woman's club, oh, my God. Somebody is going to see me. She goes, oh no, it will be okay. Said, I want you to get there early. It's a real busy meeting. It's an real big meeting. It's very busy. There's a lot going on there. I want you to get there early. If I'd have known where I was going, I wouldn't have gone there. As much as Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me in my life, if I had known, I wouldn've gone. Halfway up the stairs, you got teeth, all teeth. Everybody's very, very clean. Got all teeth, everybody smiling. Hi, I'm Fred. Hi, I'm Mary. Hi, I'm Sue. Hi, I'm Carol. Everybody's smiling, all teeth all clean, sickening. It was absolutely sickenING is what it was. I had not had a drink all day long, all these grinning pants. See, but then that thing in me kicks in. You know that thing, that pride and arrogance and ego, that thing that's inside of me that says you will never see me cry. You will never seen me run. It kicked in, thank God. And I just shook your hand back and I said, hi, I am Ann. And I walked in there like I owned that joint. and that woman come rushing up to me and she said I have a seat for you my little brain went well of course you would like why wouldn't you I'm coming you know how us newcomers are it's very hard to get a seat in my home group it's a very busy very big meeting it's privileged to have a sit there I didn't know that my little brains gone why would she even tell me that of course she's got a seat second section second row third seat in that was my seat every Monday night 24 years later I look in that seat I want to know who's sitting in that seat you can get sober in that it's my seat we've moved but I counted the rows moved in three know who's sitting in my seat every Monday night to this very day I got up and I said my name's Ann and I'm an alcoholic and I sat down and started crying when you drink with like I do and with the people that I drank with you do not cry and you do not show them not ever you do not ever ever cry it is dangerous to cry it is dangerous to show any emotion it is dangerous to do you just don't cry and for some reason I just sat down in that seat and I started crying oh my God I know this is going to make some of you guys sick and I don't want you to please don't think that this story has to be yours please don't I was so glad to be somewhere. I was so grateful. I was so, so done. I believe that Alcoholics Anonymous works really good when you're desperate. When you're really desperate. When you don't have one more good idea. When you Don't Have One More Person That'll Help You Win. And one more person that you can shuck and jive. One more person you can get money out of. One more that you could con when you have nothing. When you are desperate to be sober. This program worked. I was desperate to be sober I did everything they told me to do I went to every meeting I never left a meeting without knowing where I was going the next night because I knew I'd get drunk I couldn't go one night without going to a meeting I know I'm going to drink you cannot leave me alone I'll drink I would every night I knew where I Was going every night I knew what was going to happen I knew who I was Going to be with and I didn't have a drink and I would go to those meetings and I'd go to their potlucks and I go to Their breakfast and I would go and I'd take my little girl and we began to get better. And the women teach me how to be a mom and we were getting better. Wow. At four years of sobriety, the brown paper bad guy calls. He got sober too. I didn't like him drunk. Didn't like them sober. Doesn't make him a bad guy. Doesn't made me a bad person either. he didn't like me I didn't like him cruise cruise want to go on a cruise Ann free free oh I like free I was four years sober my daughter is 13 opened a beauty salon in sobriety at nine months of sobriery I'm painting brown dryer chairs black to go with the decor and not one single one of you ever said you know you might not have enough sobrietry to be opened up a business. Oh, you crazy people were so nuts. You said, oh God, can we help? Everybody was over there helping me paint and just doing, it was like a circus. We were just having, I was nine months sober. In Alcoholics Anonymous, you do the things you're supposed to do. You have a sponsor, you have a dream, you take some actions and it can happen. The name of this beauty shop is just for you because my sponsor told me you can't get sober for your mom or your dad or your Husbands are your kids, Ann. It's just for you. 24 years later, I pull into the parking lot and look at that sign. Those customers think it's just für them. I know. I have a coffee pot in there, one of them old little brown, you know, metal coffee pots with a little black lid. One time when I was getting really, because, I mean, it's a rocket. The little shop was a rocket, it has always been a rocket but it's because I worked the first tradition on what's best for the whole and leave it alone. Don't overthink it. Just leave it along. What's best for the whole, Ann? Do that. Stay out of it. Do my customers, mind my own business, show common courtesy. Thought I was getting to be a big dog one of those times, you know, about eight years sober and bought one of them bun burners, you know one of these things? Instantaneous coffee, you know? Oh, I had to get rid of that thing? If I don't remember from whence I came, if I don' t remember you, if you're not in the focus of my mind, if I think that I ever do anything in my life without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, see, I'm dead. Because then I'll think I don''t have to go to these meetings. I had to go get my little coffee pot back with a little black lever and hit that thing just like I do at a meeting to keep me focused to let me know from whenCE I came because I don ''t never want to leave you, not ever. anyway this guy this man my ex-husband called and said you want to go on a cruise free if I've got four years of sobriety never been on a free cruise first night was really good we had a good time the rest of the cruise sucked but that's how we were two and a half months later I have this fast growing tumor in my belly I don't like him he doesn't like me this tumor is named Matthew so what do we do we go and we have ambiosynthesis and we talk to our daughter who's now 13 what are we going to do Lori she said well we're going to keep him mom she's going to Alateen life is good shop's good life's good i tell you this not because because it's been 20 years my son is 20 years old he'll be 21 next month i am very comfortable with my boy he's the best thing that has ever happened to me but i want you to know if there's one of you sitting in this room that you can live through the biggest tragedy that you've ever dreamed that sitting inthis room the biggest impact on your life that you think life on life's terms isn't going to happen to you oh it can this kid comes out mentally and physically retarded I hate your guts I thought that God had sucked me in in a sick twisted perception in my mind it seemed to me that God had brought me to you that he talked to me about a God of my own understanding that I began to trust him and then he slapped me. I was so angry. How are you, Ann? Fine. How's your baby? Fine How's everything going? Fine How's her husband? Fine None of your damn business. Fine It's fine I'm not going to tell you A whole year goes by I can't tell my sponsor I can' t tell my sponsored that I hate you That I hate God That I hat people that get up at the podium and say, and a loving God that we found here in Alcoholics Anonymous. Oh, I could hurt you. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to be her best baby. I had five years of sobriety. I didn' t want to act like I didn''t know. I didn ''t want to ask like I hated God. I didn.''t want act like... See, I wanted her to love me. I didn?'t want her to think that I didn'T have it under control. I'm afraid, I'm more afraid than I ever was before and I got this hole raging in the middle of my gut five years sober and I can't tell anybody and I go to a meeting the hole in the ground in Huntington Park one of the oldest meetings at Christmas time one year later and there was a man, and I don't care what you think there was an old man there was another man there that when I walked out of that meeting he said Ann, if you don't find one person in here you can trust in a few friends to share your life with you're going to die. I'm going to every potluck. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing but I'm not going to tell you because it's none of your business because I'll tell you almost everything but there's a part of me that I have to keep for me. I'm nicht going to teile how I really feel. I'm niet going to tel you that I'm afraid. I'm não vou te dizer o que eu realmente penso. Eu não vou dizer que eu odeio seus glúteos. Eu não estou dizendo que eu odio Deus. E quando ele me disse que eu tinha que encontrar alguns amigos para que eu pudesse compartilhar minha vida and one person that I trusted. The hole went away just like that. He loved me enough to tell me the truth. I asked him to sponsor me. He sponsored me for the last 20 years. I have a woman sponsor today because I need her. But he sponsored me for a good 20 years and he saved my life on a continual basis because he scared me enough that I just did what he said. I didn't go, yeah, but I'm desperate to be sober. This little boy's turned out to be the miracle of my life. He truly has. He's the kid that's in the mall that you see the woman walking in the mall and the mom is smiling and the kid is definitely handicapped. And you're looking at that woman and you're going, Jesus, I'm glad that ain't me. That's me. And I'm smiling. And the reason that I'm smilin' is, see, I know the secret. There is a secret. We learn it in here. the secret to life is unconditional love he loves me i didn't know that i've all i'd loved people before i love you but i want i love me but i need i'd love you more if you give me fix me by me and i want it right now i want a big house big car big diamonds i want at all i want to know what kind of shoes you got on i wantto know how much money you got in the bank i wanttoknowwhatkindofcaryoudrive I want to know what you do. That's who I am. This little boy taught me that it's in here. He just loves me. He loves me in the morning when I'm butt ugly. He loves my in the afternoon. Every time he sees my face, he smiles. He loves m. I don't have to do anything. You know? Nothing. He taught me unconditional love. That's the way I live. He loves mi. I love him. I love you. I love you. I can love me. I hear people get up to this podium and they say they come to a few meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and love themselves. Good for you. I didn't come to a few meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous and begin to love myself. I didn' t even like me for a long time. He loves me. I love him. I love Him. I love You. I love YOU. I can begin to Love Me. That's how it works for me. I'm going along and jeez he's cool I'm beginning to understand what a miracle this kid is and they tell me my mom has cancer of the pancreas see I don't tell you guys this stuff because that was a long time ago too and my mom's gone and I have no guilt but I want you to know that if you're in the thing that I used to call the wave I'd run into that meeting and I'd just God I feel like I'm swimming as fast as I can boss as fast as I can. I feel like I'm going to drown. He said, oh no, you won't. He said you stay right in the middle here. You just stay right in the Middle here and he said you're having a bad day and I'll hold you up and I'm having a good time and I have a bad day and you'll hold me up. He said you just picture this and we're just bobbing on the wave bobbing on the way if you ever been to the Monday night big book and you see my old sponsor sitting like this bobbing on the web and he's got somebody else and then all of his babies because by God none of his babies are going to get left out because whatever he's doing and he's doing it with one of the babies, they're all going to get up and do it. Pretty soon I'm looking around and all these idiots are bobbing on the waves. They don't even know why we're just bobbing on the wave. He said, nobody drowns in Alcoholics Anonymous except the ones who swim away. You stay close. We'll hold each other up. We'll bob on the ways and everything will be good and we'll be all right. I go and I take my mom and I'm pounding on the steering wheel and I'M CUSSING AT GOD. WHY ME? WHY MY MOM? Did you notice that I said, WHY ME FIRST? why me why my mom why is this happening to me and to her me first and I get there because you people have taught me when you say you're going to show up show up if you say gonna be there be there I don't care what you think I don'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL show up I said I'd take her to her cancer treatments and I did and one day I got there and I'm on the porch with her, and she's very thin, very sick. She put her arms around me, and she started to cry, and she said, I'm not afraid when you're here, oh man, thank you. If I never got anything else out of Alcoholics Anonymous, the finest woman who has ever in my life, if I could give her peace and she wasn't afraid while I was there, I never drove down to San Marcos pounding on the steering wheel cussing at God again. It was a true privilege to take that woman to her treatments. And when she died, See, I have no guilt. I was a good daughter. She loved me and I loved her and I have no guilt, it was a blessing. My dad's in what they thought was advanced stages of Alzheimer's, taken to a rest home close to the beauty shop. I'm going every day, every day. My sponsor says, Ann, you can't go every day? You've got to go every other day. I'm gonna wash his clothes. Wash his clothes, honey, I don't care. I go every other day and I go to these meetings. He said, you cant cut down on your meetings, You can't show your kid your love. You can not take care of those people that work for you at that beauty shop. You have to stay. Every other day, it will be fine. Okay. I go every other day and one night I get there and my dad is tied down. People that have Alzheimer's are tied down because they think they're choking. They rip their clothes off and they got to get up. He's tied down and he's covered in stool. I don't like that. Here comes that rage. That's my dad. I don' t want to see him like that . I'm buzzing on that buzzer. I want somebody to come and help me. Nobody comes. Those women are all busy. Those nurses are all busier. They're taking care of somebody else. They've already taken care of my dad, and there he is. What have you taught me to do? The next indicated thing. I hear you always when I'm in trouble. What do you do, Ann? You do the next indicated things. You get him up. You wash him off. You put clean pajamas on him. You take him strawberry Twinkies. You sing him an old song called Room Full of Roses, and you turn on Vin Scully. And you drive to the meeting like a maniac and you see your sponsor's face way over in the corner. Don't talk to nobody. You beeline right over there at his face and you get right up in his face and you say, I don't know if I'm going to be able to stay. I just washed poop off my dad and there's people in here talking about flat tires and broken fingernails. I'm gonna kill somebody. He said, no, you won't. You go get yourself a cup of coffee and sit in your seat. I don' t want to sit in my seat. Somebody will talk to me. He said oh no they won't I'm sitting in my seat and I'm sipping the cup of coffee and they talk about a music of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's here it's in this room it's on my Monday night big book meeting it is it's every meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous that I go to it's a high pitched sound for me it feels good and it feels alive and I am sitting there and I sip that cup of coffe because I know that I've got to do what I'm told to do because my brain says that you ought to rip her throat out. So I'm sitting in that seat and I'm sipping that cup of coffee. And here it comes. My crazy brain says to me, Ann, the world is going to roll around. Now I'm not going to tell you that God came down and said, Ann. But my brain, it came into my head and it said, Ann, the world is going to roll around. You're turning the barrel right now. you're going to just stay here and you're not going to leave and the world's going to turn and you'll get out of the barrel and it won't be your turn in that barrel anymore and I'm here to tell you that if you're in the barrel you stay in these meetings and you just don't leave and you hold on tight and you bob on the waves and pretty soon you'll be out of barrel you will and pretty sooner you get out and I sit there and I listen to these women and they're laughing and giggling and I hear these guys and they all have deep voices and they laugh and giggle everybody's talking and nobody's listening. Do you know what I mean? And I know that if I just stay, it's going to be okay. And I stayed and it's okay. My dad died and I have no guilt. Wow! I stand here with no guilt in my heart today. I stand hier a very good mom. I stand her a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I stand hear with eight years of sobriety not willing to sponsor I'm 24 but it took me 8 years to do all 12 steps I did 11, I'm really really good 8 years of sobriety I'm not sponsoring anybody hole comes back says 12 steps Ann at 8 years sobriete I got this raging hole here it comes again oh my big mistake go up to your sponsor and say something stupid to him I kind of got this little twangy feeling I got this little hole in my stomach, and it's not feeling too good. Who are you sponsoring? Oh, well, hey, look, I'm way too busy. I have my mom. I have me dad. I mean, you know, I just, I run this business. I got these kids. I mean there's no possible. Let somebody else who has less, you now, let them do it. Let somebody who is not as busy as me. He said the next maniac that walks in this room is yours. I'm not kidding you. She was six foot tall, wore spiked heels, had bleached blonde hair, whacked off at the top. Her name was Psycho. Crazy Kathy, that's what we called her. Psycho when we... Oh, she was too. I loved that woman. I loved her because she made me act better than I am on a continual basis. I loved her because when the phone would ring, I'd go, ah, geez, it's her again. Hello? What's up? My sponsor has told me, and I believe this from the bottom of my heart, there's a big old long sand, but I'm not bright enough to remember it, so I've cut it down just for me. And it says when you empty yourself of self, you're automatically full of God. and when I'm thinking about you and not thinking about me my life is really good I sponsor numerous people today and I sponsored two men too and I don't care what you think about that either neither one of those guys could stay sober for five years I sponsored them and then they got well enough that they could take it when a man said something crummy to them that hurt their feelings because they didn't have any feelings to be hurt anymore because us girls beat the fire out of them by telling him, sit down and shut up, Quentin. And he did. But he could take it from us girls and he couldn't take it from the guys and he got well enough in both of them and I've asked for his permission to say his name from the podium and he's good and he has 10 years of sobriety and I cry every time he takes a birthday cake because for the last five years he has one of the men in our group who is our sponsor and both of him are well and good and I'm so blessed that I had the privilege to sponsor them for the five years. It doesn't matter to stay. It doesn'T matter, don't go. Just don't go. No matter what is happening in your life, no matter how isolated you feel, you've got to find some person that you can trust. Tell them everything. I told that man everything.I tell my sponsor today everything. I tell her all the nitpicky, twiney, just crummy slime stuff that comes in my head. I'm having a great day. Sunshine and birds are singing. Here comes something weird. Whoa. I can handle one or two. Here comes another one. That's really weird. It's floating around in there. Here comes the other one. I've got to call my sponsor. Wow, I'm thinking weird stuff. It is okay, baby. Or they give you direction and you follow that direction and your life gets better. I live in paradise at home because it's where I'm supposed to be with the people who love me there is no one in my life in my home that is in my house in my own home who doesn't want to be there what a feeling that is for a woman like me I had people in my wife because I had to because I needed them because I was desperate because I need what they have it's not that way today The people that are in my life want to be with me. And the people that are in My Life, I want to Be With Them. Because of a program called Alcoholics Anonymous and a loving God that has come and touched Me. Because of a little boy that I'm not ashamed of who has everything that is good. Because of two parents that have died and I have lived sober. Because of women that I sponsor that make me act better than I am. Because of groups and people like you who have taught me to live with dignity. Thank you.