Why the Mode of Communication Matters in Step 9 – Tim M.

About This Speaker Tape

Pick the low hanging fruit first." Tim M. treats Step Nine like clearing out a cluttered cupboard—start with the items at the front before scrabbling in the back. He rejects the "disagreeable tone" of sponsors who insist on face-to-face meetings, arguing that forcing a personal audience on someone you've treated like wreckage is an act of arrogance, not atonement. For Tim, the mode of communication is a tactical decision based on tact and consideration.

He advocates for a two-move maneuver: a written approach to offer options, followed by a formal letter if the person remains silent. This prevents the "elephant charging through the door" and allows the recipient to delete the message without being triggered. From calculating inflation on old debts to avoiding the trap of "living amends" as a substitute for actual conversation, Tim emphasizes precision. The goal is to remove the grit from the other person's craw without triggering their "romantic gout.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Reading from Bill's story in the Big Book to set the tone.
• 4:15 The 'low hanging fruit' strategy: starting with the easiest amends to build momentum.
• 11:30 Discussion on 'direct amends' and why insisting on a face-to-face meeting can be a form of arrogance.
• 18:45 The 'two-move maneuver' for contacting people who have been lost for years.
• 26:10 Laughter: The 'waiter' sketch metaphor for testing an amend letter against a difficult recipient.
• 32:40 Financial amends: The hierarchy of legal debts vs. family debts (Aunt Janice).
• 41:15 The 'proxy amends' process for those who have passed away.
• 52:10 The 'decomposing bodies' metaphor regarding retreading steps after a decade of sobriety.
• 58:20 Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference: how unresolved psychic situations re-manifest in current relationships.
• 1:02:15 Closing with the Serenity Prayer.