Why the First Three Steps Keep More People Out of AA Than Anything Except Booze – Clancy I.

My name is Clancy Emislin. I'm an alcoholic.
And I'm very glad to be back at the heart of Bristol.
Glad to have had another exciting time coming here.
Not on the airplane, just Sally driving me from the airport.
But it's very good to be here, see some old friends, meet some new friends.
Kind of cold here for people from California.
But there's a young man here from Iceland. Where are you, kid?
He came here to thaw out.
I enjoyed your talk, Adam.
And I hope you won't feel offended if I tell you something.
But you're kind of new.
And I'm not.
I'm very old.
People like you really shouldn't drink.
If you can't handle it like a man, forget it.
Every year on Friday night they ask me to talk about something that I never know is going to be what I'm talking about.
Last year I talked about a little bit of the history of alien traditions.
The year before that I talked about singleness of purpose.
And I guess I'll have to tell my story tomorrow night.
So I've got to think of something to talk about.
I was thinking of something to talk about that might help somebody new here tonight.
I want to talk a little bit about a little puzzlement in AA.
You know, it's a funny thing.
Alcoholics Anonymous is certainly the most effective treatment for alcoholism in the history of mankind,
in the 6,000 recorded years of alcohol usage or something.
And in the United States, for example,
where it's the most, it's a hotbed of AA if there ever is one,
and there's more sobriety in the United States than anywhere else in the world on a continuing basis.
And that's why it's kind of a puzzlement for me to stop and think that it's estimated by one of our national societies
dealing with this professionally that still in America about between 90% and 95% of alcoholics die drunk.
I'm sure the percentage is as high.
It's as high or higher in Great Britain.
I'm sure it's higher in other countries where Alcoholics Anonymous has not made an image.
And you wonder why that should be because there's an answer and it seems to work.
It seems to have an effectiveness.
And it's just so many people come to AA do not stay.
So many people don't even know about AA and don't come because they have preconceived ideas.
Some people come to AA and don't last very long.
You know, when you look at the meetings,
every week there are new people and 52 weeks a year,
10 years you think you'd have enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
But the meetings grow little by little, not exponentially at all.
And it's really an odd situation.
And you look back and think, well, maybe we're not as sincere as we were in the old days.
I was thinking about, we have a new book now.
And we have the old book with the stories in it.
Some of these stories have changed, sometimes with our approval and sometimes not.
But you look at the old book and it's kind of an interesting thing.
It's hard to realize this.
A number of people whose stories are in the old book died drunk.
Many of them got drunk again.
Now, why would that be?
Because these were good AA members, good guys.
It's just, why do these things happen?
Why do people drink?
And I think it gets back to something that has happened
to all of us when we come here.
They mention it as the topic of my talk tonight, the disease of perception.
But certainly alcoholism is a disease of perception.
And as Adam was saying tonight, we perceive life as a hopeless situation.
We come to a, hopefully over a period of time,
through taking the steps at depth, hopefully,
our perception changes.
But then unless something continues,
our perception begins to diminish again.
In the program, I noticed Sally has put that thing about the invisible boat
that does give a talk.
I gave it at the International Convention in 1985 in Montreal.
And you just left one little thing out of that.
The point I was trying to make, which the point is that
The point is the difference between good treatment centers and bad treatment centers
are that bad treatment centers, when they release you,
they leave you feeling that you're okay now,
and you don't have to do anything more.
And the good treatment centers say,
we're leaving you off here, but look for those two guys in the invisible boat
and row like hell.
And that's the purpose of a continuing effort.
And I would say offhand, to the best of my knowledge,
this sounds a little terrible,
but I think the first three steps have kept more people out of AA
than anything in history.
Next to booze.
And not because they're bad,
because eventually with a change of perception
they become a trampoline that keeps you in AA.
And I want to just talk to you for a few minutes tonight about the steps.
I know we've all heard about the steps,
if you're bored of the steps,
but I just want to talk about my perception.
The first step that, you know,
people come here and have a terrible time,
because you have to start off by admitting you're an alcoholic,
and therefore your life is unmanageable,
and you're a loser and a failure.
It's really a terrible thing.
Then you have to go to turn your,
you have to admit you're crazy,
and God's going to make it better.
And if God doesn't like you,
you've got no chance.
Then you're going to turn your life over to God.
Try that some morning when you can't pay your rent.
Here, God.
You sleep in the streets.
That's what happens when you do that.
And it really took me a long time.
I think one of the great,
I slipped in and out of AA,
for almost 10 years.
I went from being a high bottom drunk,
kind of,
to being a medium bottom drunk.
And the last day I drank,
two big guys threw me out of a Skid Row mission in Los Angeles.
They said,
stay out of here, you damn bum.
And I tried to explain to them,
I'm not a bum.
Three years ago,
I was on the faculty of the University of Texas.
Ads that I helped write,
the Elsie Delmer ads for the board company,
were running that very weekend in Life and Time,
and the New Yorker,
Saturday Post.
I'd had my picture in the New York Times
for one of my achievements.
How many people,
you know,
had their picture in the New York Times?
But it's hard to explain these things in mid-air.
But I knew all about AA.
I knew almost about,
as much about AA then as I do now.
Isn't that odd?
But I knew what,
I could talk about the steps.
I had a lot of meetings over the years,
in and out,
and after a while,
it didn't make any difference.
And this time,
I,
it was raining and cold,
and I walked a long way to an AA club,
where I was going to get out of the rain for a while.
And I was in a strange city,
where I didn't know anybody.
One guy,
and he got,
I got so much money,
he wouldn't give me any more.
And I fell into a terrible trap
of this hideous club in there,
a bunch of fanatics,
and all this,
just crazy.
And I just lurked in there,
because it kept raining.
And I somehow stayed sober a couple weeks.
Not that I wanted to stay sober,
but I had no place to go,
it was still raining.
And then they started the same old patter,
you know,
get a sponsor.
You've been sober two weeks now,
get a sponsor.
And I had no front teeth.
I,
yeah,
hey.
Let me tell you,
if you're new tonight about sponsors,
they all pretend to be so nice.
Oh yes,
we care,
we love you.
But they always want to stick their nose in your business.
That's what they want to do.
And this guy,
I used to see him come in and out of the club
when he was an actor.
And he,
every time I saw him in a movie,
he was playing some role
where he's giving people money
or taking care of them
or helping them.
That's my new sponsor.
I'll get some money from this idiot.
I'll get some teeth.
I'll get some clothes.
My eyes are clear,
I'll go back to New York,
maybe get a job in an advertising agency again.
I'll get some money,
I'll come back out here someday,
and I'll burn this club down.
So I asked him to be my sponsor,
and he,
I said,
would you be my sponsor, Bob?
I tried to give him a newcomer look,
he said,
sure,
I want you to do what I say.
Oh, sure, Bob.
And I've often said
he should have won the Academy Award
for every loving role he ever played in any movie
because he was a right-wing fascist AAP,
just a terrible man.
Do this,
do that.
But over a period of time,
he ground me down a little bit.
I'll talk a little bit Hawaii,
maybe tomorrow night.
But one of the things I did,
when I was about three months sober,
I was,
I'd had a couple of little jobs.
He wasn't very sympathetic.
I mean, the first week I became sober,
I said, you know, Bob,
I'm an intelligent man,
and I'm a sensitive man,
and I'm living in an abandoned car
in the A-Club parking lot.
I'm cold and hungry,
and I'm an intelligent, sensitive man, Bob.
I can't live like this.
What can I do?
He said, get a job.
I said, get a job, for Christ's sake.
Look how terrible I look.
He said, get a terrible job.
I followed that advice to the hilt
for a long time.
But anyway,
I had a couple of jobs,
and I was a smart-aleck newcomer.
I know nothing worse today
than a smart-aleck newcomer
who's a loser and failing
and knows more than anybody.
That's the way to do it.
I've often thought,
I've worked with a lot of people
over the years.
People send people to me.
It just makes me crazy sometimes.
A couple of times,
the doorbell rings at 2 in the morning
over the past few years,
and I go to the door,
and there's some guy.
I said, they said you'd help me.
And I said, who?
There's a car speeding away across the park.
Did you get a license number?
Anything.
But I don't know what I'd do
if me and my early sobriety
came in to talk to me.
I would not put up with
that kind of crap from that guy.
I'm glad I found somebody better than me.
And he,
I'd had a job,
but I was feeling kind of,
I was making a little progress.
Over three months, I'd say,
I'd lost a job.
I'd been living on somebody's sofa,
and they moved,
or I had to go leave.
But I was back in that abandoned car briefly.
And I got a chance,
since I was out of work,
to go back to the noon meetings in the club.
I always liked the noon meetings
because all the philosophers are there.
Nobody with jobs or that real stuff.
You just go to noon and philosophize.
And I had a good feeling.
I was trying to be honest that day.
And I said, you know,
I really envy you people
because I am not really an alcoholic.
I have a lot of problems.
I have grave emotional problems.
And my drinking pattern is pretty bad.
But I am not an alcoholic,
so I can't take the first step.
I envy you people who can take the first step
because for years I've been going to A meetings
in New York and Chicago and Los Angeles
to get the heat off.
And I hear people talk about
what the steps have done for them
because they're alcoholics.
But my problem is not really alcohol.
And so I can't be an alcoholic.
And I know these steps work for alcoholics,
but they don't work for people like me.
I don't know what steps.
I guess some of them do.
I don't know which ones.
And I try to be honest.
One of the few times I was ever honest in an A meeting.
And about ten seconds after the meeting,
I called up my sponsor and said,
here's what he said.
No, Bob.
So for the next two weeks,
Bob and another guy named John Sullivan
gave me a seminar on the first step,
which I'll try to condense into two or three minutes.
But it really went like something like this.
Wow.
You're not an alcoholic.
You said that and told me that before.
Is that why you can't take the first step?
That's right, Bob.
I'm trying to be honest and tell you the truth.
I can't admit I'm an alcoholic, really, because I'm not.
He says,
what are the first steps that say you're an alcoholic?
Well, it doesn't actually say so, Bob.
But we know what they mean.
Don't kid ourselves.
He says,
why don't you ever try reading the black parts on those pages?
He says,
what does it say?
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.
Do you think you're powerless over alcohol?
Not really.
He says,
what do you think powerless means?
He says,
well, you hear these speakers, you know.
They get drunk and they rape nuns and they go to prisons
and they go to Hong Kong and they're crazy.
I'm just a good guy that's been screwed around a lot, Bob.
He says,
I don't think that's what it means at all, kid.
It means something else.
It means that there's a small percentage of people in every generation
who seem to get an unnatural reaction to alcohol.
What do you think that unnatural reaction to alcohol is, kid?
I guess they drink, they're drunk all the time.
I can tell.
He says,
that isn't it at all.
Just the opposite.
Alcohol does something special for them that it doesn't do for most people.
It makes things better.
After two or three or four drinks,
it seems to change their perception of reality.
Most people, after two or three or four drinks,
get a little dizzy and want to go home.
But these people now are suddenly living in a technicolor world.
That's the unnatural reaction.
Nothing bad will happen to you unless it's doing something for you,
I'll tell you that.
I say,
yes, I guess that's happened to me, Bob.
But I drank two or three or four drinks
and I didn't always go out and do crazy things.
He says,
it doesn't mean that.
You may drink two or three or four drinks and go home and go to bed.
You may drink two or three or four drinks and go to Mexico.
You may fall in love with an 89-year-old woman on a walker.
You know.
Something's going to happen, that's all.
He says,
the trouble is for people like this,
every time they drink,
it's a game of Russian roulette.
And they don't even aren't aware of it.
And when you're young,
you sometimes get away with it.
You know.
Oh, I thought about three o'clock this morning.
Boy, I got loaded.
I got home on time,
take a shower,
got to work.
Click.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I met this woman at a bar last night.
She turned me every way,
but I'll tell you,
I was lucky to get out of her clutch.
Ha, ha, ha.
Click.
Oh, I went to that bar last night.
What a terrible bar that was.
I got in a fight with a guy.
I got drunk.
It was just terrible.
Boom.
But as you get older,
somebody puts more and more shells in that baby.
And they wind up like you, kid.
Boom.
Jesus.
Boom.
Jesus.
Boom.
Boom.
Jesus.
There's a click in here somewhere.
Boom.
Jesus.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
She says,
all you got to admit
that you can't tell what's going to happen
when you start to drink.
Is that true?
I said,
that is true, Bob.
But you see,
that isn't the point.
That isn't why my life is screwed up.
I drink because my life is painful.
My life doesn't get painful
because I drink,
although it does that too.
But I have deep problems
that I can't take it,
and if I don't drink,
I'm suicidal, Bob.
My life is not caused,
my problems are not caused by drinking.
He said,
now you told me
that you were an award-winning writer.
I said,
that's right, Bob.
I was.
He said,
why don't you read what that says?
We were admitted
we were powerless over alcohol,
dash.
In the English language,
dash means end of thought,
beginning of new thought.
Now we have a new thought.
You have to admit
your life's unmanageable.
Do you think your life's unmanageable?
Not really.
He said,
you're living in an abandoned car,
for Christ's sake.
Is that some sort of a clue
or something?
He said,
but that isn't what it means.
I'm just kidding,
you're kidding.
He said,
I'll tell you what,
out in Malibu,
one of the richest men in America,
one of the three richest men
in the world perhaps,
sits in A.E. meetings
three and four nights a week,
every week,
and he can afford
to buy chains of treatment centers,
and he can buy doctors
and psychologists
and psychiatrists
and everything
that he needs.
He said,
you're living
in an abandoned car,
for Christ's sake.
Just sit.
Every therapy in the world.
And he sits in meetings
and he says he's content.
Why do you think
that would be?
Beats me.
He said,
I'll tell you something,
kid,
everybody's,
everybody's born,
every human being,
rational human being
is born,
eventually you go along,
you have problems,
you have upsets,
you have conflicts,
a lot of conflicts,
you have to work through
in pain and problems
and things don't work out,
and you have to go through
them painfully.
Now,
just think,
some people
can take a few drinks
and bury those problems
and bury those conflicts.
Sometimes they come back
and sometimes they don't.
Isn't that great?
And it's great,
you come to depend
upon alcohol
as a conflict resolver
for an unfriendly world.
But eventually,
alcohol gets to be a problem.
So now you have
to stop drinking.
Then you stop drinking
and you realize
that these things
are surfacing now.
Now all the old pains
are back
and all the things
they should have done
and didn't do
and all the things
they did do
and shouldn't have done
and all the problems
and come back.
Eventually,
it gets so bad
you have to have a few drinks
to get some relief.
But you can't keep drinking
so you got to get sober.
But then you can't stay sober.
You got to start drinking.
But then you can't keep drinking
so you got to start sober.
He says,
that's the problem,
Keith.
He says,
the only thing right
I've heard you say
about this,
you said your problem
isn't alcohol.
And you're absolutely right.
If your problem
were alcohol
you wouldn't have to be here.
Uh-huh.
He says,
the problem
is something called
alcoholism.
I said,
isn't that the same thing
as alcohol?
He said,
no, it isn't.
It's a lot different.
An alcohol problem
is overcome
by getting sober
and cleaning up your act
and straightening up.
And this thing called
alcoholism,
however,
you'll discover
sooner or later
as you've already discovered
that getting sober
and straightening up
and cleaning up your act
has no significant
long-term effect
on your life
other than to gradually
make it so painful
you can't drink.
You don't stand it.
He said,
you know, kid,
there's a name
for people like you.
I said,
what is it?
He said,
you're an alcoholic.
And I said,
well,
I'll be God damned.
Because for ten years
I'd been drinking
and drinking myself
and lost everything
I had
because I could not fit
a definition
of what I thought
alcoholics
or what people
tell me in meetings.
I never once
think what it means.
I'd have to
think about it.
It's probably
the greatest single
effect of my life
I've ever had.
That was
in the winter
of 1958,
59.
And since then,
I guess what I did,
and I've learned
a lot more about AIDS
since then,
reading chapter three
and so on,
but I,
without being aware of it,
I conceded
to my innermost self
that I was an alcoholic
that day.
So what difference
does that make?
Here's the difference.
I never
could have done that.
I never would have done it.
Couldn't have.
And since that day,
I have never had
a severe desire
to drink.
Now I didn't,
I'm not saying things
got really wonderful,
because in those days,
several times,
I had desires
to commit suicide,
almost committed suicide once,
and ran away
and quit jobs
and lived in,
but the reason
I did not drink
is because I knew
if I drank,
if I had one beer,
I just knew this
as an alcoholic,
sooner or later,
if I got away with it,
I'd drink more.
Everybody thinks
I can get away with it,
that's all,
you're always going
to drink more.
One of the sad things
sometimes in age
is seeing somebody
have an easy slip
because they still think
they can handle it.
But I,
it enabled me
that I would have to desire,
strong desire to drink.
And that has been
one of the great things
in my life.
I started to say,
if I had one drink,
sooner or later,
tomorrow,
next week,
next month,
next year,
I'll find myself
standing out in the street corner,
and there won't be
anybody in the world
who cares what happens to me.
That's the sad part.
It isn't losing your family.
You get new families,
you get new homes,
you get new jobs.
But when you've lost
the world around you,
and your perception is gone,
it's deadly.
And I've always thought
the great wish somehow,
I could have had that
explained to me clearly
when I was new,
in 1949,
would save me
a lot of problems.
But maybe it wouldn't have.
I'd have lit this candle
tonight,
I'll tell you that.
Well,
I don't care.
But I think
that's what the first step is,
and it's hard to understand
because everybody thinks
you've got to say
your problem is alcohol.
The problem is not alcohol.
But then you get to
that second step,
and it's just a little bit spooky.
Because now we've got to,
we've got to return
to a higher power.
And I had to tell my sponsor
the bad news, you know.
I was raised
in the Norwegian
church, Bob.
And they don't
screw around there.
You make two or three
mistakes,
and you're screwed.
And I,
I was gone
at 12.
I,
you know,
I remember
when I got to
Aiden,
I'd tell him about it.
He'd say,
I've broken
all 10 commandments.
Not intentionally
he said that,
but I broke them all.
There's not much chance
of me returning
to God.
It wasn't until
I was sober
a few years
that I realized
thank God
I haven't broken
all 10 commandments.
I've never coveted
my neighbor's
manservant.
Of course,
in Los Angeles
we always say,
yeah,
you know,
who knows.
But I told my sponsor,
I said,
I can't return to God.
Talk about the second step.
He says,
what does it say
you have to return to God?
It says,
higher power.
It doesn't say God.
I said,
oh,
did that fool the people?
Oh,
that isn't God.
That's a higher power.
Nothing in AA
ever says return
to anything
because we're coming
out of sick
perceptions
and bad
concepts.
He says,
you've got to try
to come to believe
something.
That's what they ask you
to do.
They say,
you try to come
to believe
that a power
greater than yourself,
can't you believe
in God?
He said,
no,
I can't,
Bob,
because if God exists,
I am damned.
I cannot believe
in it.
He says,
you think I'm doing
better than you are?
Yeah.
He says,
congratulations,
I'm your new
higher power.
And I could accept that
because he couldn't
send me to hell
although it came close.
But,
people in the club
used to say,
there's that crazy guy
that thinks his sponsor
is God.
I knew he wasn't God.
I'll tell you one thing,
though,
if you're kind of new
and you're having trouble
with God or AA,
I'd rather see you believe
in your sponsor
that you believe in
than to pretend
to believe in a God
you don't believe in.
Because you can fool him
at eight o'clock at night,
but you can't fool
that dark at two
in the morning.
You better have something
there that you believe in.
But,
anyway,
he said,
you don't have,
I,
how could I come
to believe in something?
And we'll pretend
we worked that out.
He said,
you don't have to understand
how it's going to happen.
You don't have to see
why it's going to happen.
All you have to do
is try to accept
that some power
will restore you
to sanity.
And I was always
a little nervous
about that word sanity
because once upon a time
I was committed
to the Texas State
Insane Asylum
as a schizophrenic
with paranoid tendencies
because I'd stayed
sober so long
that I tried
to kill myself,
which is another story.
But,
I've always been
a little sensitive
when people call me crazy
because I'm secretly crazy.
But it worked out
that is what it means
at all.
And over a period of time
I worked that out.
I had to come
to believe
that a power
greater than myself
will restore me
to sanity.
Now the definition
there is,
what is sanity?
Well,
you read ten books
on mental health
and you read
ten different renditions
of sanity.
But oddly enough
the definitions
of psychosis,
insanity,
are pretty stable.
And what psychosis is,
that's mental illness
not caused
by brain damage.
And this is highly
oversimplified
of course.
But when the brain
understands
that there is
a power
and there is
sufficient conflict
that it can't cope with,
sometimes in desperation
to maintain
its integrity,
will alter perception
of an outside object
to make it look different
to resolve that conflict.
Sometimes it's
just a little thing.
Sometimes it's
all around.
By that time
you're in a hospital
somewhere.
But you read
about these people
who seem to be
living normal lives
and all of a sudden
something happens
that triggers
that little area
and they kill
their neighbors
or they do
some crazy thing
that's not
really a problem.
And that's
what psychosis is.
It's a mis...
It's seeing reality wrong
is what it is.
Now,
they say that alcohol,
you know,
alcoholism
is the second
greatest cause
of insanity.
But,
not that kind
of insanity.
Alcoholic insanity
is something
entirely different.
Alcoholic insanity
is a physical condition.
Almost everyone
in this room
has been drunk
sometimes,
a few times.
And you know
how it is sometimes
you wake up in the morning
there's a fire burning
you need something
to put it out.
Ah,
ah,
what a cold.
And the reason is
because alcohol
may be the only
substance I know of
that takes,
that strips your body
of moisture.
It dries out your body
as it dries.
It dries out the cells
in your body.
Many of them die.
And when you add
fluid to your body
the cells revive.
There's only
two organs
where cells die
and don't revive.
And that's
your brain
and your liver.
And that's
your brain
and that's
your pouco
and your heart.
That's
your brain.
That's
what's
on you.
So you have
a very
confusing
thing
that you can
pull out
together with
malnutrition
and brain problems.
And you have
millions and
millions of
brain cells.
You can kill a lot
of them
for a long time.
But eventually
you kill enough
of them
and you get
and people come and change their diapers three times a day and feed them and put them to bed
and get them up and change their diapers and feed them this they can never get better they
sit like that sometimes for 40 years their body's healthy just the brain is gone their
families come out once a while see if dad knows them you know the hell they are so they cry and
go home again that's alcoholic insanity neurosis is when your brain can't stand the pressure
and alters your perception of reality now here's the funny little thing alcoholics almost never
almost never become psychotic you'd think they'd be the number one wouldn't you but they don't do
you know why not because when it gets bad enough long enough they will drink alcohol and change
their perception of reality they can induce in a sense temporary psychosis they can literally
change the way
relationship and i'm sure every drunk in this room knows has done it sometimes and many many
times some doctors feel that sometimes the alcoholics get to a point where they must
drink to preserve their sanity and so what i have to come to believe i don't i didn't know what
sanity was the only what i thought said it was i had a bed next to mine in a texas nut house who a
guy's laughing all the time i thought he was saying yeah how are you doing today fred i'm fine
and suddenly
realized he's never going to get out of there and he stops laughing that is not sanity that's
goofiness somehow i have to come to believe that there's a power here what could it be i don't know
what could be my sponsor doorknob something that i don't understand yet will enable me to live in the
world without having to induce temporary psychosis to stand it will allow me to live in reality
without getting ever get so bad i have to drink
to stand it and i can accept that premise of the sex step because it made sense it seemed to be
logical came to believe that a power grid myself would restore me to sanity and for me sanity is
sustained reality but then they want you to turn your life and care over to god as you understand
them and you're not getting around that one i had to put that one aside for a while and i went along
i stayed sober for a while and uh i was about six months over i had a little bad luck i uh got fired
up and decided to blown out by the~~~
windmill the best will get you through the last few days
but what was going on right now eight months later your throat went up you had to have your
throat tightened or reared up or whatever but i died and while i was gone thinking about it
sitting with it coming from a hardball so far away in my apartment and that is an underground
security system in any country you sew it up the beş feet from the ground will you believe this
point what's the point of knowing in the essay that what people think about the dos way to enough leader
100 since peter destroying your government you must treat the business that button to коммент blames
it wasn't my fault it seemed to me that the bus boys were bringing in more dishes than the waitresses were taken
I'll have to go back and live in that damn abandoned car again.
So I don't have rent money, what am I gonna do?
So I decided to...
Well, I'd just seen at the A-Club
on the late show television,
we used to watch that, a movie called
A Star is Born. At the end of that,
this drunken guy walks into the ocean,
and everybody feels sorry
later. That's for
me. It doesn't hurt,
and I'll give it a shot.
I didn't know exactly how to get to the ocean from where I
was, but I'd walk back to La Ciena,
through Wilshire, and walked west, and walked,
and walked, and walked, and walked,
and I couldn't find the ocean. I finally stopped and said,
where's the ocean, pal?
He said, you're just in western Beverly Hills.
You have to walk past the Veterans Hospital about another
five miles. I thought,
well, screw that.
I don't mind dying, but I'm not gonna walk myself
to that.
But I felt
so bad, I called up my sponsor, and I hated to
call him, because I'd have to tell him I got fired as a
dishwasher, and he was
always disappointed that I lost the job.
Very loudly disappointed.
I called back and said, Bob,
he said, why aren't you working?
I said, Bob, let me explain something to you.
You know, I've lost
my family, and I've lost my career. I understand that.
Bob, I don't need anything.
But there's something I don't think you understand, Bob. When you're not
around in the club and other places,
people treat me differently.
They don't call
on me much. They call me once and never call
on me again.
Old-timers warn their newcomers to stay
away from me.
People laugh at me and take jokes about me.
You know, Bob,
I just...
In my judgment, Bob, I can't make
it work. What am I gonna
do? I said, why don't you write
your damn inventory?
And he just told me that a week before, and I
explained to him, I've taken my
inventory with psychiatrists, trained people.
Why would I take it with an
out-of-work actor? What's he gonna do? Say, cut.
Let's do that again. You know, it's nonsense.
I didn't want
to hurt his feelings. I said, Bob,
in my judgment, I know
you mean well, but in my judgment, going over
all the pain and agony I've known
can't make me feel better. It's gotta make me feel
worse, Bob. I just can't
stand life. In my judgment, I need
something more.
And he kindly
counseled me. He said,
in your judgment? Who
cares about your judgment? You're back
living in an abandoned car, for Christ's
sake. If I wanted your judgment,
I'd put my head in the back window and ask you
for it.
He said, you're a loser. You're a loser.
He really got me so cross. I came out of
that phone booth just
If I'd have turned right, I'd have been in that ocean
in three steps. I'd have been gone.
I turned left and went
back to the A Club in Wiltshire. He said, Sullivan,
give me some paper on the right by
inventory. He gave me a pad
of paper and I wrote, God, I wrote
stuff I never told a soul.
I would never tell a psychiatrist that stuff.
Somebody asked me one time,
why don't you tell your psychiatrist these things?
Because if you're paying that kind of money, you can't
risk rejection. That's why you don't tell a psychiatrist.
I don't want some little
wussy to say to me, you did what, sir?
Get out of my office.
But first, wash
off that chair.
And I wrote, I just wrote, I put
down stuff that just
I vomited on the
page.
In words.
I got done and I felt better.
Because I proved to him it didn't work.
It cheered me up a little.
And I shoved it on the seat of that car and I went about
my business. It felt a little better.
And a couple days later he came by the club
and said, well, get your inventory. We're going to take your inventory.
I said, Bob,
I don't think I'm really ready for that stiff yet.
I've got to kind of work myself into it.
He said, shut up and get it in the car.
So we got in the car.
He drove me from Santa Monica
to Oxnard, 40 miles, and gave me
a flashlight. And I read
this hideous thing.
And I thought, God, he's going to
make me walk 40 miles
back from Oxnard.
I finally got all done.
It was worse than I remembered.
And I told him,
are you done now?
And he said,
that's the best thing you've done
since you got sober, kid.
And I said,
thought it was.
I've taken that trip
over 200 times since then.
Only I'm on the driver's side.
There's some other puke over there
with that little flashlight.
It's always the same.
Let me explain this part
before I read it.
As far as I'm concerned,
good inventories are all the same.
They all have the same elements.
A lot of deep-seated
guilt
and resentment
and fear
and
spiritual loneliness.
And it really is amazing.
In one week, a few years ago,
I heard the daughter of one of the most
famous men in the 20th century
a week later, a guy who was born
under a bridge in Juarez, Mexico
and never even knew who his father was.
The inventories were just about the same.
I mean, their specifics were different.
But the same, it's just amazing.
I have
I've come to look back
and I've worked with a lot of people over the years
and I think the inventory
as we all most know
is a very, very valuable step.
I've come to look back
and I've worked with a lot of people over the years
and I think the inventory
as we all most know
is a very, very valuable step.
But I think that
I have come to believe
that when you're talking about an inventory
you're sitting down and putting the pencil on the paper
and deciding what is appropriate to put down.
Some people put down
150 pages of biography.
Some people put down
half a page.
And many years ago, I did something
and I'm not suggesting anyone here do it
but for the people I sponsor
to get them going on this.
Now we have a thing in the book that talks about
and how, which is very good.
But I think that at that stage
and the Oxford Movement
was the time, that seemed to be the answer.
But
the people I've known
need something else.
I've had seven questions
that I give people to write an inventory with.
And the first one is
in looking back over your life
what memories are still painful?
Are still guilty?
Are still dirty?
Two, in what way today
do you consider yourself inadequate
as a person?
Three, who do you resent
and why?
Be as specific and nasty as necessary.
Four, what do you conceive
to be your defects of character
as you see them today?
Five, what is the nature
of the ongoing problems you have
with people close to you?
Having human relations.
What seems to always happen
when you have these things that blow up?
Six, in what way do you see that AA can be
How do you believe that AA
can help you in any of these problems?
And seven, in what way do you think
you can begin to change things?
And I just put those two on the end
to give a little positive spin on the end.
But a lot of people pick the inventory that way
and I'm not...
I think any way you take an inventory is fine
but I think for most people
it's a set of specific questions
seem to help
to think and answer it better.
But it's really very simple
the fourth and fifth step
and the fifth step should
you know, in many parts of the world
and I don't know why it is
some parts of the United States
you take your inventory, you take your fourth
you take your fifth step, you go find a clergyman
and take it with a minister or a priest
there are some priests who specialize in it
some clergymen, some Minneapolisers
who specialize in listening to the fourth steps
and in our part of the country
which is Los Angeles
that's entirely different
there you always take your inventory with your sponsor
because you're asking him to
guide your life and then you want him to know about you
isn't that just silly?
What if he's a blabbermouth
and tells these things
it isn't that interesting
you know
I uh
I mentioned this last year
in passing
I'll tell you a guy that should be worried
I watched my daughter
sit on the aisle and marry a guy I sponsored
who I wasn't in favor of but he didn't ask me
but
if you want to know the absolute definition
of mixed emotions
it's watching your darling daughter
marry someone whose fifth step you've heard
you can't really say anything
but you can give little warnings
let me know if he ever brings a sheep home honey
but that is a great
you know if you stop and think about it
psychoanalysis
psychiatric help
usually would take you up to step five
if they're doing steps
then after that
it's a kind of a lot of conversation
you know
you know
you know
you know
some people come to us
that's part of the conversation
but the great thing about AA
is that's when AA begins to kick in
you've stayed sober a while
to me
taking the first three steps
and the reason I mention the inventory
is because I look back
the day I took that inventory
is the day I took the third step
cause I believe the third step means what it says
you're not making it
you have a problem drinking
a problem sober
you've got to follow what they say
you've got to
surrender your judgment
that's the hardest surrender in the world
I know for people like me
I'll surrender my money or my clothes but not my judgment
because I know more about me than anybody else does
and I have to come to believe
that isn't necessarily true
so you take a fourth and fifth step
and I think that's where you
really turn your will and your life over to the care of God
if you continue
to do it
then there's the sixth step
I get sometimes questioned
how do you really do the sixth step
I've been working on it for weeks
and I don't understand that
the sixth step is really quite simple
became willing
we're entirely ready
to have God remove all these defects of character
all that means is
I don't know anybody who doesn't want to stop hurting
that's all you're saying
to have God remove
become willing to have God remove these defects of character
and so
what are the defects of character
defects of character are the things you found out in your fourth and fifth step
and I know that
I tell people as I did
my sponsor told me
you go home and kneel down tonight
and you pray to God
to help you become willing
to get rid of the things that are
in a pattern eating you up
because that's where you find out I think the fourth and fifth step
your life is a series of patterns
doing the same things
screwing up
not allowing yourself to succeed
eventually screwing up
always having problems
human problems
always having problems
always having problems
always having problems
human beings
to become willing to have God remove these defects of characters
is an easy step
and the seventh step
follows it
there's a seventh step
prayer of the pro
in the book
to help you along
but really all it means is simple
very simple
humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings
you know that's the funny thing about
people who like to make AA complex
you go to meetings sometimes
I've heard when I was new
debates in meetings
what the difference between shortcomings
and defects of character
and of course
Bill's
wrote later that
he just didn't want to be redundant
in two consecutive sentences
they mean exactly the same
but when I ask God to remove these defects of character
I don't know how he's going to do it
I don't see how he can do it
and I
you're not going to sit on your knees
and wait for a lightning bolt
to come down the window
and straighten you out
because you're not
but you have to become willing to do that
then the eighth step
made a list of all persons who had harmed
and became willing to make amends to them all
and again is as a
Adam said
past and passing
it's a matter of putting down a list
of people you have harmed
even though they have harmed you
worse than you have harmed them
that's not the point
you put down a list of persons you had harmed
and how they harmed you
and I've gone over that with a lot of people
then you make amends
and that's a tough step
because sometimes the steps
the amends you need to make
the most of them are the most important steps
the most
are the ones that are the most difficult
I was thinking about that
when Adam was talking tonight
I hated my father
because he left my mother and I
I felt in the late 1930s
and married somebody else eventually
and my mother and I
she married someone I didn't like
and I didn't like my wife
my mother-in-law
my stepmother
and I grew up
and I had such a
I had a great love for my father
when I was a kid
and now he turned on me
and I hadn't talked to him for ten years
before I took an inventory
and he said
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know what
you know
what
you know it
you know what
you know what
you know what
and he could
and he said
the same thing to me
our responsibilities
the same
school
he said
see it before you send it. So I wrote a letter of amends. No, no, not an indictment. A letter
of amends. I had to write that three or four times. The old fool finally accepted it. And
I felt ashamed to even send it to him. He and my stepmother would laugh. But then I
got a letter back from my dad. I'm glad to hear you're doing all right, son. I haven't
heard you for so long. I hope you're all right. The best you are. You and your new wife and
your new child and all that crap. Screw you. And he said, now it's his birthday coming
up. He asked me his birthday. I said, March 20th. He said his birthday. And Christmas
and cards. And I just did this. And my dad would send me little letters and tell me what's
going on. Half the time I didn't even read them. I don't care what's going on. I'm doing
this among other amends I was making. I was about five years sober. I'd been working hard.
I finally had some front teeth. I was advertising director for a medical corporation. I smiled.
I smiled a lot. In case anybody's new here and has lost teeth, let me give you some hope.
Once you become spiritually pure, they grow back. You don't know. What do you know, dummy?
My mother and father both lived in a town called Eau Claire, Wisconsin. My mother lived
in one part of town. My dad lived in another part of town. And I was going up to Minneapolis
to give a talk at this medical corporation.
And he said, I want you to, I said, I'm going to go see my mother. And he said, I want you
to, I guess I was four years sober. He said, I want you to come over and see your father
too. I don't want to go see my father. My stepmother will be there and I'll punch her
in the nose. He said, no, you make arrangements to see her. So I remember that date, winter
time. I left my mother's house. I just hated to go over there. Just that tall, overpowering
guy and his damn vicious wife.
I rang the doorbell on the door and said, here's this short little gray-haired guy. He
shrunk somehow. And I said, Dad, I've just come to say hello. He said, come on in. I
said, no, I don't want to come in. He said, no, I understand. I know your feelings. Val,
my wife, I sent her downtown to do some shopping. Come on in. At least have a cup of coffee.
I said, okay. I came in and sat down and looked around at all the nice things my mother didn't
have. It was very nice, Dad. I didn't say anything, but I thought, well, there's another
indictment.
I hope you're doing well, Dad. Nice to see you.
I left him. And about six months later, I was doing something up in the Midwest. I went
to see my mother again. I went and saw him again. I did the same thing. And that was
the end of it. I've made all the amends I can make now to hell with him.
When I was five years sober, my wife and my children in Dallas heard the crinkle of green
in my wallet, leaped out of their post office box, rushed to my side. So all of a sudden,
I'd gone from being a...
gone from being a five-year sober new guy, doing well, a swinging bachelor at L.A., now
my family was back, which was great, because I loved my children. But it did cut into my
action a little, because I've been, you know, for several years I've been able to say, you
know, I've lost my family and I'm alone now, over at 922 Gardner Street. And people would
say, oh, it must be sad for you without your family. Yes, it is, but I'm soldiering on.
Now they're back, and all of a sudden, God, four kids, three dogs, two cats, a wife. I
can't get, I didn't get to the bathroom for three days at one time, I don't think. Just
noise, and cats going, and dogs, and children. And I'd go to aid, desperately try to find
help, and they'd say, well, you're happy at last.
Aren't you? About a month or two months after that, I got a call from my father. He says,
son, Val, his young wife, died suddenly yesterday, last night, of a heart attack. And I don't
really, I would really appreciate if you'd come up here and spend a few days with me
and go through this funeral. I've often thought, you know, I, very likely, I might have said,
gee, Dad, I'm sorry you're lonely. That's the way Mother and I were, too, for a lot of
years. Bye. But right then, as he was talking, a dog chased a cat through my legs, and the
cat went up the curtain, and my kids were yammering and yelling, and I just, I'll be
right up, Dad. I went to Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and I went through the, I wasn't warm, but
then after the funeral, before I catch the plane the next morning, I sat, and I thought,
once and for all, get this to me. I said, Dad, why did you, why did you desert Mother
and I? He said, desert Mother and you? What a strange question. Don't you think I loved
you? I said, I don't know, Dad. He said, don't you remember the 1930s? I was a school teacher
making $80 a month, and I worked every night so you could have a bicycle, worked in different
jobs. I tried to give you everything I could. We didn't have much, but I gave you and your
mother, and your mother and I grew apart. She get, we decided to separate. It was kind
of painful for me.
We decided to separate. I thought you knew that. And then I met this woman, and she seemed
to be kindly, and we married. And I always tried to be loving towards you. And then you
went off early in the war, ran away from home and got in the service, went off to the South
Pacific and came back. By that time, you were drinking a lot, a bit, not a lot, but more
than you should have, I think. And you went to college, and I was so proud of what you
did in college. And you won some awards for the college. You won a national championship
and got married to this lovely girl, and you went out in the world. And I tried to help
you.
And you always treated me coldly. You didn't want me to see your children. It broke my
heart a lot of times. I said, can I come over? No, we're busy now. I just didn't like it.
And he gave me an entirely different perception of the same series of facts. I couldn't believe
it. It's like that movie Rashomon, where they have six different people seeing a robbery
and they all look different. And I left there that day, and I no longer hated my father,
I'll tell you that. And I began to understand it.
And after the next few years, I think he got, I got closer than most fathers and sons
ever get, because I really tried to be good. And, but he got old, and he came out and lived
with us in California for a while. Then he wanted, like an old elephant, to go back to
burial ground. He wanted to go back to Wisconsin, die with the Norwegians. And he went back
there, and as he was dying, I was holding his hand, and he smiled, and I smiled. I visited
his grave every so often now. But the point I'm trying to make is this. If I had followed
what I knew to the end of my life, I wouldn't have been able to do that. I wouldn't have
been able to be right. Tonight, if you'd come up to me and ask me about my father,
I'd say, my father? To hell with my father. He abused our family. He's dead now. I hope
he's in hell. I hope they're poking him with sharp knives. I just wish that son of a bitch
was in a lot of pain. But as a result of doing things I didn't want to do, and making amends
and that crap, if you'd ask me about my father, I'd say, my father and I really, unfortunately,
were apart for a lot of years. But thank God we got close, and he's dead now. I hope he's
in Valhalla, the Norwegian heaven. I hope he's having a good time. I hope he's saving
a seat right next to him. When I get there, we'll drink some non-alcoholic something. Mead.
But nothing had changed in the history of the world, except my perception changed, which
is the purpose of Alcoholics Anatomists, to change your perception of things. And it's
so hard to realize that.
Because the perception you're coming out of indicates that's the wrong action. That's
why it's so essential, I think, that you have to have some place to turn it over to. And
people always say, well, the first nine steps are pretty much clearing it up, and then you're
going to do... Also, most of you know, some of you new people may not. In the ninth step
is where the Twelve Promises appear. It says, if you are thorough about this stage of your
development, if you are thorough about your amends, the promises start to happen.
That's one of the great reasons I always thought that book was inspired. Because Bill
Wilson wrote a series of promises that hadn't happened to him yet. Like one of these dime
stores, getting well before they write all kinds of promises, they never work out. But
these do come true. And old-timers will tell you that. But since we're human beings, they
don't stay true because we screw them up.
I remember when my family first came out, and I called up my sponsor. I said, Bob, I
got more... They need a lot of things financially. I don't know if I can handle it. They said,
financial insecurity will leave me. I'm financially insecure, Bob. I said, no, that is what it
says at all. It says, fear of financial insecurity will leave you. Shrape up.
Well, he died soon thereafter. I got another sponsor who was more loving. But, I don't
know.
The tenth step is, you know, I think it means what it says. I think the tenth step means
what it says. It means we continue to dig daily inventory. That doesn't mean that I
sit and write. I don't understand... I'm not against it. But I do not understand people
who write, continue to write. Because that's such a self-obsessive thing for people like
me. I'm backing myself. The whole purpose of AA is to get out of self and to continue
to write. How am I feeling today? I better find out. We do a lot of that in LA I guess.
But.
to examine my life.
One of our philosophers said
unexamined life is not worth living.
But not to be focused on me
because I've got to get off of me.
I've never had any,
I never needed any help
in looking at me.
I needed help to get off me.
And when I'm wrong,
promptly admit it.
And when you're new,
that's difficult.
But when you're an old timer,
that's difficult.
You'd think that you would
just automatically do it
and sometimes you do
but sometimes you don't
because it's a very difficult proposition.
Because at the moment
I say or do something,
usually I think I'm right
but when I think about it,
I'm not.
And I've got an image
to maintain a person
who's not doing childish.
What I'm doing is not childish.
I can't, you know,
it really is.
It's a simple thing.
To continue to examine myself
and do what my wrong,
promptly admit it.
Once you say I'm sorry,
there's not much more
that can be said.
You can talk all afternoon
and make excuses.
But when you say I'm sorry,
it's all.
Sometimes you have to say
you're sorry
but you have to draw
a fine line.
At least I do.
I'm not sorry
for the position I took.
I'm just sorry
the way I said it.
I'm not sorry
for saying
AA really does work.
But I'm sorry for saying
what the hell's wrong with you?
So I have to say
I'm sorry I
flew off the handle
when I talked to you.
I mean, it's all sorts of
little dumb little things
you have to do
to get right with yourself.
The 11th step
was always seemed
very interesting to me.
To solve through prayer
and meditation
to improve my conscious contact
with God's understanding.
And somewhere along the line,
I had to remember
somewhere
in my
first or second year,
I suddenly,
after listening to people,
I, my, my sponsor,
I came to believe in AA
because it worked for people.
And eventually,
I came to believe in God.
And later on,
I was trying to explain to people
I had such an antipathy
towards that whole concept.
How could I believe in God?
And the belief I came to believe in
is it was a very rudimentary one.
But I,
because of my own phoniness,
I had to,
you know,
kind of phoniness,
I had to believe in something
that made sense.
I just couldn't believe in some,
you know,
they talk about
God's grace keeps us sober.
Well, how about
all the people that aren't sober?
Where's God's grace for them?
Is God,
does he go through AA means
that you can stay sober,
you two will slip,
you can't stay,
you know,
if that's true,
I can't stay here
because I'm not going to make the cut,
you know.
And I heard these old guys
like Chuck Chamberlain
who became my second sponsor
and other great AA speakers
talking about
the love of God,
that God loves you.
I thought,
well, he doesn't love me.
But I finally came to understand
they're trying to say
that God loves everybody
and he loves them all the same.
Not one more than the other.
He loves them all the same,
but some of them don't do very well.
And the concept
I could pick up from that,
because at that time
I was working in
television,
television,
I was still in that medical corporation.
But God,
I had to take,
I had an image of God,
God's grace,
whatever it is,
as a kind of a television,
big television station.
And he's sending out a picture,
a picture of peace of mind
or grace,
or whatever you want to call it.
And he's sending it
to everybody the same,
just like when they have
the World Cup
all over the world.
People look at the television set.
World Cup doesn't know
who's got the sets on,
but they're sending
a picture out there.
And some of the sets are old
and some of them
don't work very well
and some of them
don't even get turned on
because I know
pictures can't fly through the air.
But the picture's out there.
And now in my home,
I'm a great,
I used to be a sports writer
and I'm still a great fan
of sports.
I'm a great football fan.
In the fall,
we have a lot of football games.
I have two sets,
one next to each other
in my den,
so I can,
you know,
really great.
I've had a lot of grandchildren.
They're a mixed blessing at best.
I now have a great grandson
that makes me feel so old
I can barely walk.
But,
used to be,
I'd be watching a game
and I'd go to the,
John or something.
And these kids,
John and Joe,
used to think it was fun
to change all the dials on it,
these old TV sets.
And I'd come back
and there'd be
blue people
and
it didn't take me long
to understand
that if I turn the knobs right,
the picture gets clear again.
And I don't know
what a vertical hold does.
I have no idea
what those electrons
are doing in there.
Doing something terrible,
I suppose.
I don't care what they're doing.
I just turn that vertical hold
and the picture stops.
And the horizontal hold
gets them straight.
And the tint,
gets them from blue
to white again
or yellow
or whatever it might be.
And I don't really care.
I,
ha ha,
get out of here you kids.
And,
I had to come to believe
in a sense
that's what God's grace
was coming down as.
Now,
I don't have a TV set
with knobs
that say
vertical hold
and horizontal hold
and
so I had to find something else.
I had to come to believe
that
there's not a vertical hold
but there's a prayer.
There's a prayer knob.
I don't know
that my prayer
has ever,
ever got answered.
I've never,
the only prayer
I ever said
out of the room
I've never had any evidence.
But when I turn that knob
the picture gets a little clearer.
When I try to be of help
to somebody
even when it's dumb
that picture gets
a lot clearer.
When I sit in meetings
the picture gets
a little clearer.
When I try to
alter my behavior
the picture gets
a little clearer.
And sometimes
I get very clear pictures
that just suddenly
just shiver down my spine.
And if you don't like
God's grace
you can call it
peace of mind
or serenity
or whatever you want.
Unfortunately
as a human being
my pickup truck
my TV set
seems to be
in the back
of a pickup truck.
Every time I just
get a picture
it goes
and my life
is just a series of
oh Jesus
I said no.
Won't the picture
ever stay here?
Yes, I'll come over.
But I could accept
that concept
and I could pray
earnestly to that God.
And over the years
I've become
a little more
deeper personal God
I suppose
like the 11th step
sought through prayer
and meditation
to prove
my conscious contact
with God
and I come to believe
I pray to God
earnestly
every day now
I have for
40 some years.
But I know this
that
I have to seek
to prove
that concept
of my will.
But the most
telling part
of that step
to me
and it has been
one of the few steps
I've ever tried
to do perfectly
praying only
for knowledge
of His will
for me
and the strength
to carry it out.
Because I have
you know
that dick ring
with God
if you do this
get me out of this
I'll do this
and I am such a
innately
I'm a hustler
or a bad guy
or something
I suppose.
And for the first time
I prayed honestly.
I've never tried
to pray for anything.
I haven't tried
to pray for a job
a car
a woman
a nothing.
I pray for knowledge
of God's will for me
and the strength
to carry it out.
And I guess
I must have got
some of that strength
because my life
has improved.
But I've got to be
very careful.
That is such a
I hear people say
I'm going to really
pray I get that job.
If God
you know
it may not be
what's right for you pal
maybe you'll get it
maybe you'll be sorry.
So I
I have come to believe
that praying for
knowledge of God's will
for me
is enough
for hustlers like me.
If I do anything
more than that
I'm crossing the line.
So I get that
last step
and I say
having had a
spiritual experience
that's the interesting thing.
Most of us know
Bill Wilson
had this spiritual experience
and three years later
he wrote the big book
and he presented it
and it got printed
and there's only
one word
been changed
in the twelve steps
from the first printing
to now.
And in 1939
that big red book
it said
having had a spiritual
experience
as the result
of these steps
I'm going to
and the people
came and said
gee Bill
that's not right.
You're the only one
who had a spiritual experience
and you never
as a result
of these steps
you had it before
you were drunk
in town's hospital.
How do you figure that out?
Dr. Young said
we have to have
a spiritual experience
I've never had
a spiritual experience
you're the only one
who has
I mean we're all
going to get drunk
what the hell does this mean?
And they pondered
that for a while
because
fortunately the book
didn't sell very fast
so they didn't have
a lot of time
to ponder it.
And I think
that they finally
came upon
I believe
the book
and they finally
they finally came upon
from the people
I know
that were around
at that time
and shortly thereafter
they finally came
to the conclusion
by looking around
at people
maybe Dr. Young
was right
maybe you need
a spiritual experience
but not
you couldn't get one
the way Bill got one
because they were so rare
Dr. Young had never
seen one
he only read about it.
The miracle
of Alcoholics Anonymous
is that in some way
that nobody
can explain really
it's still a mystery
that the 12 steps
Adam
bring about
an incremental
spiritual experience
not the way
Bill Wilson
got his
but the way
we get ours
make amends
to that bitch
are you crazy
and little by little
slowly alter
the perception
of reality
and so the next
printing of the book
they change it
to having had
a spiritual awakening
as a result
of these steps
and it's been
that way ever since
that's what really
makes today
such a remarkable thing
they want to go back
in that book
all the time
and say well
he stole this part
from here
and some of that
is from the Oxford
movement
who cares
the way it's laid out
now is the first thing
that's ever worked
for alcoholics
in the history of mankind
who cares
it works fine for me
but having had
a spiritual experience
we try to practice
these principles
in all our affairs
and people
think what does that mean
I mean
you have to be
honest and pure
you have to go
absolute honesty
absolute purity
absolute unselfishness
you know
all four concepts
and I don't think
it means that
I think that
one of the reasons
that I think
Bill Wilson
avoided those
type of things
in the 12 steps
and in our book
is because he realized
people like us
are kind of
perfectionists
I want things
to be right
and if they're not
screw
I don't want
you know
Yale University
had a big study
of alcoholics
in the 1950s
they really did
a massive study
the only one
they had alcoholics
of all sorts
and backgrounds
and histories
then they compared
them against
non-alcoholics
they even got down
to things like
giving the known
alcoholics
two drinks
and the known
non-alcoholics
two drinks
and try to measure
their reactions
wouldn't be fun
to be part of that test
you know
that's all for today
no it isn't
god damn it
but of all the people
they examined
they had a big
report
but
it has been
said that
the only two
they had
couldn't find
any background
they had two things
they found
neither one
which they could
understand
one
the alcoholics
all marked
in the top
ten percentile
in sociological
sociological
or psychological
profiling
of perfectionism
and secondly
the alcoholics
seemed to have
a