Why the Big Book Says ‘Rarely Have We Seen a Person Fail’ – Frank J.

I'm Frank Jones. I'm an alcoholic. It's good to be here tonight and it's good to be sober and I want to thank Carlos for allowing me to participate at this meeting. This is the third year I've been here, the Thursday before Christmas, and the second year I give bread a cake. And it's just nice to be here. It gets me away from all the hustle and bustle and the crap that's happening on what's coming up on Monday. And I don't know about you, but I'm an alcoholic and I react to everything. And if I'm up here speaking or in heavy traffic or whatever, it gives me a lot of time to think about me and what I'm not going to get for Christmas and what Santa Claus isn't going to bring me and one more time how I'm going to be screwed and left out. The other thing it does is I figured it out. We get a Christmas list in our group And there was about between 400 and 500 people on it. And I sit down, and I make out the cards and everything. The longer you're in Alcoholics Anonymous, the more people you know in your home group. My home group has over 1,000 people. So I make our Christmas cards, and they're all over the place. And I get crazy. They cost a quarter apiece to send out now. So I send out all of them that I'm going to. And I don't know how you do Christmas. But after I mail out all my cards I invariably get cards from people I didn't mail any to And then I've got to send them a card You know, you want everybody to like you I do So I've gotta sit down and mail them cards out And I'll bet you money Up through Saturday I'll start taking cards to the meetings with me Of people that I got cards from on Saturday Because I just get nuts over Christmas and I just can't allow myself to do that. But, you know, if Alcoholics Anonymous didn't work, I wouldn't be here tonight. And that's for those people that raised their hand as being in their first week or 30 days of sobriety. If AlcoholicsAnonymous didn'T work, I wouldn'T be here because I'm a comfort creature. I like to be comfortable. I like To feel good. And if AlcoholicAnonymous Didn'T work... You know, somebody else standing up here and I wouldn'T have drove four hours in the traffic to be here with a bunch of drunks tonight. But Alcoholics Anonymous does work, and I'm a blessed man, and I'm grateful that it does. And you know, I have no reason to even be an alcoholic. For Christ's sakes, look at me. I'm looking good. I just, look around you. Look at the people sitting next to you. That's what alcoholics look like. They don't look like me. I come from a normal family. Mom and Dad, they're not alcoholic. You know, they didn't even hardly drink. Dad worked the same job 50 years, I mean for 40 years, and him and Mom had been married 50. And they didn't drink. You know, I don't know where I picked it up at, you know, but I grew up in a good home. I had a good childhood. I was born in Danville, Illinois. And I had great childhood, and I had lots of fun, and I played ball, andI played sports, and Iplayed with the girls from an early age, and I felt guilty about that, but it felt good, so I kept doing it. I just stuffed the guilt down. And, you knoW, I hada problem growing up with perfectionism, and I know you can't tell by looking at me, But I had a problem growing up. If things were out of place, it made me crazy. Mom and Dad would go grocery shopping or whatever, and I'd wash and wax the kitchen floor of polished furniture. And I don't know where that come from. I started ironing the sheets that I slept on. I started Ironing my underwear. And I started playing doctor with the little girl next door. And I had to have something to offer, so I starched my skivvies and ironed them. And, you know, I grew up being a liar and a cheat and a thief. And I didn't plan that because I come from a good home. But I grewup stealing and lying and cheating. And I carried that through into my adulthood. And every time I did those things, I felt guilty. But I had to stuff that guilt down and keep doing it. And I felt anxiety and I felt remorse. And I hadn't even drank yet. You know, the first time I drank, I was in high school. And, you know, I grew up in the 50s when ducktail haircuts were big and leather jackets and stuff. And I wanted to be macho. I don't know how many of you guys wanted to become macho and hang out with the guys I did. I mean, look at me. I look like Mr. Peepers. He ain't macho! And I want to be Macho and tough and everybody scared me and I was afraid of the dark. I couldn't tell you. So, when you got too close to me, I had to fight. And I had ambush you because I couldn' t win a fight if I didn't. So I had to hit you with a brick or a club or something, and then I felt bad for you. I had the stuff, those feelings. And that's how I grew up in school, was fighting and being afraid and feeling like a wimp. And the first time I drank, I was in high school. I was with my girlfriend, and she brought me a 16-ounce teaglass full of slow gin and 7-Up. And, you know, I took a sip of that back there, and it was a hot summer night. It tasted like strawberry Kool-Aid, and I like strawberry Кool-Аid. So I chugged a little of that glass down, and nothing happened. You hear guys stand up here and say, You know, I got all warm and fuzzy and that stuff hit my stomach and I got six feet four and all that. You know that crap didn't happen to me. I drank that glass of slow gin and seven up and I gave her the glass and I bossed her around and I said go get me another one and she did. You know when she brought that glass back and I drank that one down and you know nothing happened. I didn't put on a trench coat and I didn' t get a bottle of wine and put it in a paper bag and I din' t go hang out on Skid Row. You know none of those things happen that you hear. I just chuggled that and didn't think nothing about it. You know, I drank about a gallon of that stuff in 30 minutes. And nothing happened. You know? I didn't cross some invisible line. I didn' t get all drunk and crazy. Until about 25 minutes after that last glass, I found out where slow gin got its name. And I got drunk as hell. And I went into a blackout. And what happened was I got taken home and I passed out. And when I woke up, when I come to the next morning, I didn''t wake up, I came to. And, you know, I was vomiting this red stuff all over the bathroom. And I had a kind of hangover that I couldn't open my eyes because the light hurt my eyes. And every time Mom and Dad would yell at me, my skin would reverberate. And I just was sicker than hell and throwing up. And I didn't remember what I had done the night before. And I missed three days of school. And when I went back to school three days later, the guys told me what had happened. And, You know, I thought all those guys that I was with that night drank the way I did. I thought they drank and couldn't remember when it happened. And they told me that some guy left off and I hit him in the face and he went through a screen door and that I was dancing and doing these things. You know, I couldn't remember any of that stuff. And that was a blackout, and I didn't know that back then. I didn'T know until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and found out from you folks that a blackouts was when I consumed amounts of alcohol that I would continue to function and then the next morning when I'd come to I wouldn't remember the things I'd done. Have any of you ever woke up and looked at that thing next to you and thought, where in the hell did I drag this? It's already been tagged by the Park Ranger and shit. There it is. And you wonder where in the hell you got it and you can't remember. Are the women hissing? I thought it was a tag from the Park Rangers. It was her earring, I'm sorry. And, you know, it just had her name and serial number on it and her address and the fact that she got vaccinated. I didn't hang out with lovely women that are in Alcoholics Anonymous. I hung out with the beast in the bar. I hungout with the real dogs. But, you know, I didn't know what a blackout was. And I consumed amounts of alcohol and those things happened. And, you Know, I Didn't Foul That Away. And, You Know, I Did Learn One Thing That Night Is From That Night Until This Night I Don't Drink 7-Up Anymore. That's What I Learned. Because 7-up Made Me Sick And 7- up Made Me Lose School And Made Me lose My Memory And It Got Me Crazy So I Didn'T Drink 7 Up Anymore And I Don'T Drink It Today Because It Makes Me Throw Up When I Do. And So I Just Continued To Fight And Get In Trouble In School and be macho and tough because I didn't want to be a wimp. And, you know, right before graduation I didn' t know what I was going to do in college and I had scholarship offers and I was afraid to go to school because I did' n't know whatI wanted to be and I couldn' t tell anybody. And I was ashamed because I hadn' t learned anything in high school. All I'd learned how to do was fight and be with the girls and try to act machoand be something I wasn' t. And so I quit high school a couple of weeks before graduation and joined the Marine Corps. And, you know, I found myself on a train going up to Chicago and I'm sitting next to some guy that I wanted to impress. I don't know when you drank if you wanted to impression the people that you were around, but this guy had on a leather jacket with all the zippers and doodads on it. He had a greasy ducktail haircut and he had long sideburns and he got engineer boots on and oily Levi's and this guy was drinking stuff out of a little brown bottle and I wanted him to impress this guy because I wanted them to like me. I wanted her to have a bond with him because he was macho And I'm sitting there in a leather jacket, and I'm standing there with my glasses on. And I look like Mr. Peepers for Christ's sakes. And, you know, I feel like a wimp. And this guy says, hey, you want a drink of this? And I said, sure. Now, I don't know how you drank whiskey when you were 17 years old. But I took that whiskey bottle, and slow gin and seven. That's all I remember. And I took three or four big mouthfuls of that stuff and swallowed it down. And, well, I was 17, and what happened to me was I threw that crap back up and all over the seat in front of me. And I had tears coming out of my eyes and I had snot coming out of my nose. You know, I didn't look very macho and I wiped my face off and I handed him that bottle back and I said, boy, that was good. I guess I wanted to fit in with the guy. I wanted the guy to like me and stuff and he just looked at me funny and I felt inadequate and like a wimp and you know, he said, do you want another drink? And I said no, not right now. I couldn't even hardly breathe for Christ's sakes. But I came up out at MCRD San Diego And I was macho and I was with you guys And you guys were all older than I was And I'd been to Chicago And I had been drunk with the men And I felt like a man But I had all these feelings of fear and anxiety And homesickness And I couldn't tell you guys about it So I stuffed those feelings down And I didn't know how I was going to deal with them And I got out of boot camp And I wasn't at camp for a little while Then in 1962, October I found myself on a ship Going through the Panama Canal And I said, I'm going to go kill Cubans I didn' t have the luck that they have now They just go down and rip Panama off I didn't get to do that. We're going to go kill Cubans, and I'm afraid. I'm scared on that ship, and I don't know what to do with my fear, and I'm sitting there sharpening my bayonet because I've seen John Wayne in the sands of Iwo Jima, so I'm going to win the Medal of Honor, and I'm sharpening my bayонet, and these guys that I'm with break into the narcotics locker, and they bring me down a little morphine syrette, and I take the plastic cap off, and I put the needle in my leg, and I squeeze that juice out, and I go up on the deck of the ship that night, and I lay out there all night looking at the stars, and I ain't afraid no more. And if you'd have come up to me that night and told me that, hey, Jones, you know that morphine you put in your system did that, I'd have told you you're crazy. That morphine didn't have anything to do with it. I grew up all of a sudden. I just matured, okay? You know, I didn't know back then what I know tonight that putting that narcotic into my system took the fear away that I was feeling and allowed me to act and be what I thought that you wanted me to be and I could just go on and put this facade up of not being afraid, you know, because I didn'T want to tell anybody how I really felt and that allowed meto go onand act like I wasn't afraid. You knowI didn't take any more dope after that. Don't take any talent to become a heroin addict. All you've got to do is just fill up a syringe with heroin, put it in your veins and shoot it in there. Before long, you'll become addicted because I don't know any social heroin users. But you've Got to really hang in if you're going to be an alcoholic. You've Got To Be Able To Do Some Things. You can't just drink one beer and come into AA and feel comfortable and a part of. And what you've GOT TO BE ABLE TO DO IS YOU'VE GOT TO Be ABLE TO DO I GUESS WHAT ALL OF US DID OR WE WOULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT. You've GOT To Be able to drink booze and wet your pants and crap your pants and wet the bed and abuse your wife and your kids and lose your job and sleep in the bushes and get thrown in jail and put in mental institutions. I mean, you've got to be able to do it one day at a time for years. You're just not going to beable to just drink a beer or two and slip on in the door on us, folks. And, you know, so I didn't use any more heroin, and I didn' t get to kill any Cubans, and I found myself in Okinawa, and in Okinawa, first night there, the guy said, Let's go get drunk, and I said, Let's Go. And so I went out with the men to get drunk because I wanted to be with the women. I wanted to be with you guys, and we bought a Typhoon 5th of Saki. It held about two gallons back then, and it cost us 75 cents. Rotten gut stuff. Tastes like Clorox. These guys started passing that stuff around, and they got it to me, and I took that bottle, and I looked like water. Saki looks like water to me. And I tookthat bottle,and I was thirstier than hell, and it was hot there in Okinawa. I tookThat bottle up, andI took four or five big mouthfuls and swallowed it down. Now, I don't know how you drank Saki when you were 17, but I can tell you what I did with those five or six guys standing in front of me. When that last drink, I took that bottle down from my mouth and when I did it was a signal for all that crap in my stomach to come up because I threw all that stuff up all over the guy standing infront of me and I had tears running out of my eyes and snot running out on my nose and I'm trying to look macho and these guys are laughing and poking and pointing at me and I felt like a wussy and I didn't want to be a wussie. I didn' t want to b e any wimp. I wanted to be macho and that's what I mean. You can't just drink. You know you can't let looking bad stop you. Can't do it. I had to be here tonight. I kept drinking and throwing it up drinking and throwing it up. And I hung in and I got enough down. And what happened was I looked at those five or six guys I was with and I realized something. I realized that they were all punks and I didn't need them around me. They were holding me back. I'd outgrew them. And that's what alcohol did for me. Alcohol allowed me to be something I wasn't. Alcohol allows my mind to work. Alcohol allow me to fantasize and do the things I wanted to do. So I went out into the villa on my own. I got drunk and some Marines from another unit said something, so I did what Marines do. I hit him with a pool cue, felt guilty about that, ordered a glass of Akadama wine and drank it, and I didn't feel guilty no more. I picked up a little Nason, and her and I tripped off and did what we had to do. I gave her some money. She went to clean up. I stole my money back, set her little hooch on fire. No problem. That's what Marines are doing. And that's what I thought. And I went back to Camp Schwab and passed out. The next morning I got up. I was throwing up, had a hangover. Some of my buddies come up and they told me what I had done that night. And I started to feel guilty about that. And I didn't know if she got out of that fire. I thought about hitting that other Marine. And I felt anxiety. And I found guilt and remorse. And I had to stuff those feelings down. And I was throwing up. And I got a headache. And I find out a secret that morning. I went to my locker. And right there was a bottle of Akadama wine. And I've found out at the age of 17 that if I took a couple of drinks of wine in the morning and then I drank some water, that my headache went away. And all those feelings of guilt and anxiety that I was feeling about the things I had been doing the night before went away! I didn't feel them no more. So, I became a morning drinker and a daily drinker at the age of 17. And I went on rip-roaring drunks and Marine Corps frowns on that. I started getting busted. Started making rank and losing it and making rank and losing her. If you had told me it was alcohol, I'd have told you you're crazy. Alcohol ain't got nothing to do with this. And I'd Have Said That It Was A CO or It Was Them or It Wasn't A Situation. You see, I went through life blaming everybody and never looking at me. I never looked at me as being the problem. It was always you. It was her. It was the job. It was The Kids. It was Always Something, but it wasn't Frank Jones. And so that's how I blamed people. And that's what I did over there. Alcohol wasn't my problem. Marine Corps was my problem, the company Gunny was probably my problem and I knew that young lieutenant was my trouble. But it wasn't the booze and I continued to get in trouble and I ended up running out of money one day over there and I had to get some money to drink on and so we decided to rob a cab driver, me and a friend of mine and I stopped the cab and jerked him out of the cab and I pinned his head down on the pavement and picked up the rock the size of a softball and I beat his face in with it. And Marine Corps really frowns on that and what happened was I got a general court martial and my father had to fly to Okinawa and paid for that man's reconstructive surgery and his retirement and all his hospital and medical bills and everything. And I begged the Marine Corps not to throw me out and they didn't. They sentenced me to two years confinement at hard labor and back to duty. Now, you can't do that in the military and I'm not going to go into a big harangue about what happened. But I spent a year locked up and by the time the paperwork went through and they let me out, I was here in the States and I was still in the Marine Corp and I'd spent ayear locked up. And booze wasn't a problem. And what happened was I met a woman and I married her and when her and I were married I thought Marines were still macho, and I was still running around in a bar fighting and getting in trouble. And I'd go home, and then that wife would start chipping her teeth at me. And then I didn't want to hear her crap. And so I started abusing her and yelling and screaming at her. And thenI'd have to leave the house and drink so I could be comfortable drinking in the bars. And theni'd go out in the bar, andI'd drink, and some guy would come up and fatten up. And when he fattened up, I'd haveto hit him with something becausehe irritated the hell out of me. AndthenI felt bad,and I drank some. ThenI'd meet a woman, andthenI'dhave to validate my manhood becausemy wife ain't treating me right. Andthen I'd feel bad about being with her becausemywife didn't deserve that kind of treatment. And Jesus Christ, I tell you, you get on a roll. And, you know, you've got nowhere to go if you're like me and I'm drinking and fighting with the women and then I feel guilt and remorse and I've got to go home and I look at her and, you Know, what in the hell am I going to do? And that's how it was. And I didn't know until I got here with you folks and found out that she was an individual and she had the right to do and say what she wanted to do and say and dress how she wanted her to dress and keep that house how she want to keep it that I wasn't her boss or her guide or her director and that I had no right to say or do the things I was doing and I didn' t know that. I didn''t know that she had a right just to be a human being and to be an individual. And then she had a daughter to us. And, you know, kids ain't supposed to cry around me. And I started abusing that family and yelling and screaming at that kid because the kid makes messes and it cries and it does those things. And I don't like that because I'm a perfectionist and I don' t think kids should act that way. I got to go out and drink some more. And so there's the vicious cycle I was on. Finally, I was getting in enough fights and trouble here at Camp Pendleton and I got called into the CO's office and I get issued a rifle with a telescope on it and some live ammunition and I've got orders and they sent me to a little place called Vietnam. And I've got to tell you this, before I get into this, that Vietnam ain't my problem. It wasn't my problems. I was an alcoholic long before I went to Vietnam. I was a morning drinker and a daily drinker in Vietnam. It had nothing to do with me being an alcoholic. It's not an excuse. I don't use that as a cop-out or anything else. What it is, it's a two-year part of my life is what it is. And it's the part that was hard. It's the point that I got through. And it' s the part I use Alcoholics Anonymous with that allows me to live with it today. And it really ain't no big deal. But you see, when we landed in Vietnam in Da Nang, I was terrified. You see, I was too frightened to tell any of you guys that I was afraid. You know, how can I turn to these Marines I'm going into combat with and tell you, hey, man, I'm afraid? You see? You can't do that. You see. I had to pack that fear down. I had those feelings down inside me. See, I wasn't going to be in the rear with the gear. I wasn' t going to issue out supplies. I was a sniper. And I was on my way up to Khe Sanh and up on the DMZ. And I' m scared to death. And I couldn' t tell anybody. And I didn' t know how to deal with it because the things I was seeing wasn' T registering and I couldn't handle it emotionally or mentally or mature-wise. And I found out a secret in Vietnam. I found that if I put 151 proof rum in my canteens and I drank that, then I became bulletproof and invisible. And I was like, well, I'm not going to do that. And I thought you guys thought I should do to validate my manhood and to show you I wasn't afraid and to tell you that I could handle seeing what I was seeing over there and I would drink because then I could do it. And if I didn't drink, I couldn't do it, you see, because I was too terrified and too frightened and that's how I went through that over there. And finally, in March of 1968, you know, I've done all the things you wrote about in Time Magazine and Newsweek. And I don't bring it up because I'm proud of it, because I am not. But I had to do it. And then after I did it, I had a drink to get rid of the memories and the guilt and the remorse and the shame that I felt after I gave those things. And in March in 1968, during the siege of Quezon, I got wounded and I got blown up. And I ended up back here in the States. And while I had been over there, my wife had had a son born to us while I was on Hill 881. And I wanted it quiet in that house, and they wouldn't get quiet. I was drinking and nuts, and I was three days out of the hospital. And I told that woman if she didn't shut up, I'd kill her. And you know, she didn'T shut up. And so I went to the closet, and I got a gun out, and I come back in there. I had a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter that was crying and telling me don't shoot her mom, and a little boy about ten months old that was praying. And you Know, I was just drunk and crazy, and that woman kept chipping her teeth at me and running her mouth, and she wouldn't shut open. You Know, I got to believe that there was a God in the house that day. You see, and I had put believing in God because if there was no God, I was screwed. bad things in Vietnam, that if there was a God, I was going to hell anyway, so it didn't make any difference. But there was the God in that house that day and I found that out since I've been at Alcoholics Anonymous. Because you see, the safety wouldn't come off that guy. And I kept jacking around with it and the spring jumped out the back and I pushed that spring back in and the gun went off. Those kids were standing on each side of me and that bullet went through my hand and down between my feet where those kids were standin' and the bullet didn't hit either one of them. You see, I'm blessed for that because that could have killed either one o' those children. And there ain't no doubt even standin'' here tonight that I'd have killed my wife That night I'd have killed her. I was drunk and I was crazy. And shortly after that, she divorced me. I know you'll find that hard to believe. You know, it ain't like I fired the whole clip. I fired one round. You know the day I got in hell, 14 rounds, I could have fired all 14. But I fired 1. I'm disciplined. And you know, I didn't even shoot her. I shot myself for Christ's sakes. She ran off with a state policeman from Indiana and she took the kids and I drank over that for a long time. And you now, I ended up on the drill field down in San Diego when I was a drill instructor and I was the liar and the cheat and the thief down there and I'm not very proud of that. See, I had to have money to drink on and I didn't have any other way to get it. You know, I met another woman down there and you know, after two and a half years in the States I was suicidal and crazy and I wanted to commit suicide and I don't have the guts and I still drinking and fighting in the bars and so I decided to get off the drill field after two and a halve years and I thought the only way to die would be go back to Vietnam so I did that. I volunteered and I went back to Vietnam and I got You know, the only reason I bring it up a lot of times, veterans, they come up and talk to me after the meeting and they tell me they can't stay sober. They say they've done a lot OF bad things to a lot Of people over there and they say, you know, I have a hard time staying sober. I can't get this thing, man. I got all this guilt and I got these feelings and stuff and, you Know, I got to stand there and tell them whether I'm speaking here around Camp Piner or down in San Diego that, you Now, I've read this thing right here called Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and in that book, I'Ve read it several times and it says in there if you work the 12 steps in your life, If you apply the 12 steps and you go to a lot of meetings and you get into action in Alcoholics Anonymous and you develop a conscious contact with some type of higher power and that you work these steps to the best of your ability that you can stay sober no matter what. And it doesn't say that if you've done a lot of bad things to a whole lot of people a lot of times you can't stay sober. You know, it doesn' t say that anywhere in that book and I got to stand there and tell those guys that are telling me they can't stay sober because of some crap they did overseas. I got to tell them that they're not staying sober because they don't want to stay sober and they had to quit using that shit as a cop-out. Because, you see, Alcoholics Anonymous has worked for me for almost nine years. And people ain't done anything any worse or any better than I have. I'm just a drunk. And I had to do the things I had TO DO to get to AlcoholicsAnonymous. And I found that if I do the THINGS that that book outlines, that I'm going to be able to stay sober and stay comfortable. And I learned that in meetings of AlcoholicsAnalymous from people like you. Because, YOU SEE, I've done the fourth step and the fifth step and all that stuff come out. And what it was was fear. And what IT WAS was shame. And what It WAS was resentment. And whatIt WAS was remorse. And it was all a defective character and everything that I never knew I had and that I ever knew I was drinking over. So I've got to tell them that if they want to stay sober, they can. You know, I got shot up again after that, and I came back, and after 11 years, I drank myself out of the Marine Corps. And I was married again now, andI was abusing that wife, and we had a daughter. And I don't know what you do, but when I'm macho and tough and I spent 11 years in the Marine Corp and I'm a big deal combat veteran and I am an alcoholic and I start to urinate blood now and vomit a little blood, I strapped on a gun and a badge and became a cop. And I took that bad attitude out on the street with me. And, you know, I couldn't tell my partner in that police car that I was afraid of the dark. How can I tell somebody I'm afraid ofthe dark? I mean, macho guys can't do that. And I can't sit there and say, Hey, man, let's don't go down this alley. I'mafraid. Can we stop and maybe give me a short dog or a beer or something there? You know, there might be something jump out at me. You know? I couldn' t do that and I had all these feelings and all this fear and when I didn't drink I had these memories and I have these things and I've had these nightmares and stuff And so I had to drink to get rid of that crap. And, you know, I got my wife pregnant again, and I was abusing that family, and I had devalidate myself. And I started having an affair with my female partner, for Christ's sakes. And she found out I got My Wife. I always have to validate myself. I'm never enough. I'm Never Enough. I don't know about you. I don' t know if you were faithful. You probably were. I wasn' t. I was a liar and a cheat and a thief, and that went for me. And I had To Validate Myself With Her. And she Found Out I Got My WifE Pregnant, and the silly broad shot me and ended my police career. Can you believe that? I just can't believe it. A policewoman shot me. We used to run around in our gun belts naked and handcuffed and drunk. I don't even know why I said that. Is this being taped, Dick? Cut that part out. She shot me, and that ended my police career. I've got to tell you that Carl's bed brings out the worst in me. But she shot me in the head, and then in my police career, I got a real estate license. If you think money, property, and prestige will fix it, it doesn't because I had a Cadillac. I had two of them. My wife had one. We had a house on a quarter acre in a swimming pool in the back corner. There was a three-hole putting green that I had designed with the house, and I was making six figures a year, and I was dying and going crazy and fighting in the bars and abusing that family and nailing the windows shut and doing all the things that a chronic drunk does and at the age of 36 year old you know I looked around and everything I'd worked all my life to get was gone everything I'd work to get was gone that house was gone the two Cadillacs were gone my Mr. T starter kit was gone I had a bunch of gold chains and diamond rings I pawned those and the wife and kids were gone they moved up into a trailer with her parents in San Jose and it was just hideous and I couldn't figure out what the hell my problem was, so I changed brands of cigarettes. I had a 42-inch waist and I was turning yellow and I Was Crazier Than Hell. All I wanted to do all my life is be like my father. You know, my father's a good man. He's a decent man. And he just was a good example. And, you know, I wanted To Be Like Him and I don't know where in the hell I went wrong and I didn't know what my problem wasn't. The wife and kids and everything I'd worked to get was gone and everything that I owned was in a cardboard box in the backseat of a stolen car and I Couldn't Figure Out What My Problem Was. And if you'd have told me drinking was my problem, I'd have said to you, You're crazy. Alcohol ain't got anything to do with this. If I could just get a little more money, some woman to take care of me and maybe get a second on her house and give me some coins to get me started again and get me a new Cadillac and somebody to take charge of me and love me, I'd be all right. You know, I didn't know I had this disease called alcoholism and I didn' t know that I was dying because this is a disease of denial and it's the only disease that's killing you and your head says you ain't going to have a problem with it and there's everything else around you that's going to hell, not you. And alcohol is not my problem. And I continued to drink and I ended up in this woman's closet that had taken me and drinking in her closet and I was sicker than a dog. And I ended UP vomiting blood all over the bedroom and I had a cock 357 Magnum on the nightstand and I cocked it and I put it in my mouth and I wanted to pull the trigger and I didn't have the guts. And I was dying and I don't know what the hell my problem was. And I said, I'm going to kill her and her kids and then commit suicide because you see the world outside these rooms has become unbearable for me and my thoughts and I drank and my head wouldn't shut off. And I kept thinking and thinking and I kept saying, open this trap in my head and I couldn't get rid of it. And when I drank alcohol, nothing happened. I just got sicker and I just continued to die inside. And I went to a doctor finally and he told me that I was dying and that I wasn't an alcoholic. You know, I felt relief when he told мне это. He said I had a hole in my throat and cirrhosis of the liver and a lung and stomach infection and all the things that go along with being a chronic drug. They told me if you don't quit drinking, you're going to die. And you know, I drank for two more months as hard and as fast as I could because I wanted to die And to make a long story short, I ended up in a hospital in Indiana. And they latched me down on this bed and they started pumping me for vitamin B and magnesium. And they called my wife in California here and they said, you better come back to Indiana. Said, we don't think your husband's going to live. He's physically addicted to alcohol. The way a heroin addict is to heroin is DTs are really bad. And I just gave my wife, you understand, about nine and a half good years. And when they told her to come back, you know what she said to that doctor? She told that doctor, let that son of a bitch die. I was absolutely crushed when I heard that. I'd give her good years. I mean, she had a Cadillac. She had a house and swimming pool and designer clothes. I mean I gave her everything. And she wouldn't come back to visit me when I was dying. I didn't die so it ain't a big deal. I'll tell you what, this year we'll be married 19 years. And she's my wife and she's our daughter. She's my lover and she'm my best friend. We've got God, IA, and Al-Anon in our home and if we didn't we wouldn't have a home. and that's the way it's become in sobriety for her and I. But I didn't die, and I ended up in another part of the hospital, and I end up going to AA meetings, and in those meetings what I heard was go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Go to AA. If you want to take a drink of alcohol, go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I heard that over and over and again. And after a period of time I got out of the Hospital and I walked outside in the Indiana sun and I started crying. And all the things I had done all my life came down and started choking me out and up on my chest. You know, I'd abused that wife and those kids and the things in Vietnam and the people I'd abused when I was a cop and the lying and cheating and stealing and the Ten Commandments I broke and I didn't want to take a drink I just got suicidal and so I'm not going to go to AA because they said go to AAA if you want to drink and I did not want to drink I wanted to commit suicide and if I felt good about me then I thought maybe well hell I'll kill you because I feel good about me and that's how I was and I never went to AA for 13 months and what happened is if you're drunk the way I am I don't know what kind of drunk you are I don' t know maybe you quit drinking and your life's okay. You know, I know some of you, your life ain't okay because I know a lot of people in here tonight and your wife ain't OK. Well, it is now, but it wasn't. But I just didn't go to AA for 13 months and I got a little bit stressed. Got a little bet stressed. I got little intense and I'm calm now. AA's has serened me out. I'm serene tonight. I'm Serene every night now, Pogs Anonymous, But since I didn't go to AA for 13 months, I got worse instead of better. And one day some guy came up and said, how are you doing? And, you know, I took that personal. I thought maybe he was prying into my damn life. Who are you to ask me how I'm doing? And I almost choked the guy to death when I flipped out in this office. And I just went nuts because I hadn't been doing anything about my life. I got my wife and kids back. We were living in the garage and sleeping on the floor, eating out of a styrofoam chest. And I was abusing that family still. And I had a girlfriend, and I was driving a stolen car, and I still wanted to cheat the thief. But I ain't drank, but I hadn't changed anything. And so after 13 months, I flipped out. I went crazy. And this guy in this office, an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he come up and he said, I know what's wrong with you. He said, man, I can't help you. He said you scare the hell out of me. You're pregnant. And I told him, get away from me or I'll kill you. I'm not frightening. You're starting to make me crazy. And he gave me a card with a phone number on it. I couldn't call. I stood around and I cried and I shook. And these guys watched me and stuff. And they stayed at the house with me. And after a week or so, I ended up down talking to this guy. And I sat in his office and I tried. And I hadn't had anything to drink in 13 months. And what that man explained to me is that I didn't have a problem with drinking. He told me I had a problem living. And he said that I should find a living answer to my living problem. And he suggested that I go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous to find that. And he says that if I went to meetings of Alcoholic Anonymous and then I started reading this big book, then he says I would get a lot more comfort in my life and a lot mehr peace and a lat more serenity and I wouldn't have to drink or go crazy. Because he said the only problem is you can't deal with the things that are going on outside. And he say's you're either gonna drink or you're gonna go nuts. And he told me that I had to become committed the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. He told me that I had to come to AA every night. He said, I had come into these rooms and shake hands with you. He told be that I had to stick my hand out because if I did that it would get my sick mind off my sick self. He told that I had to start reading the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous and he suggested that I read the black part not the white one and he suggests that I start at page one and read it all the way through and he suggestions that I started working these steps in my life on a daily basis and he said I don't want you working the steps in the meetings because he said it's easy in there. He said, I want you to work the steps when you leave the meetings. I want your to work with the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous at home with your family. I want to you work the step of Alcoholic Anonymous at work when you get a job because you're going to have to get one. You have to be self-supporting, he told me. And I didn't know how to do anything and he told that I had to start believing in a God. He told me that somebody hung the moon out at night and they took it down in the morning and he advised me it wasn't me. And that comes as a shock to me. I was so damn tired in the morning, I figured I had to be wrestling with that damn thing. And what he told me that I had to do is I had start changing how I was living. He told me, he says, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was in a cowboy shirt and I had on cowboy boots and I Had a big mustache and I Have long hair and I Smell like A buffalo. And my sponsor said, Where are you from? And I said, Illinois. And he said, You're not a cowboy. Now, God damn it, that hurt me. And he says I've been In AlcoholicsAnonymous now and in two weeks It'll be nine years. All you old-timers, all you've done all my time in Alcoholics Anonymous is hurt me. You've told me the things that I'm not. I'm a cowboy, I'm macho, I come from Illinois, I am a wimp and it's just okay. And that ain't an answer. That ain't even an answer for me. You told me that I had to start paying my bills. You told that I have to register to vote. You told be that I get car insurance and I had get a driver's license for Christ's sake. And I didn't understand those things. And what I did when I came into the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is I met you. And when I met me, what you did was stick your hand out to me. And what you said was that you told me to sit down and have a cup of coffee and relax. And you told that I didn't have to hurt myself anymore. Nobody come up and said what kind of car you drive or what kind bank accounts you got, how much money you make it. What do you do in Vietnam? How do you treat your wife and kids? None of these asked me that. What you did is you said come on in and sit down and take care of yourself here. You showed me how to work the steps of Alcoholic Anonymous. You showed me how to get commitments. You told me that a commitment for me should be that I show up at the meeting unless there's a death in the family and it's mine. See, I understand that kind of talk. You told we don't get any high-profile commitments. You told us to sweep and swab the decks in the meetings or clean ashtrays or clean the coffee pots. You told my to make the meeting mine because you said that way I've got to come and check on it because if it ain't my meeting, I don't care how it's run. But he said if it's your meeting and you told me if it was your meeting, I've gotta come to check on you and so I started coming to these meetings. You told me to sit up in the front and take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth. And you told me listen. You told that I didn't have any answers. And what you did more than that is you set an example for me. You see, because when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn' t know how to act. I filed for divorce from my family. My kids were frightened of me. I didn''t know how treat people. I was angry. I was hostile. I was a liar. I was cheat. I was thief. And I was guilty about everything. And I had a past that none of you people had. And I didn ''t know to cope with or deal with it. and you pointed out how to work the 12 steps for me. And what you did is you showed me by your example. What you said to me didn't mean a lot, but how you acted meant the world to me. Because, you see, when I came in these meetings and I watched you, I watched it come in and I watch you put your arms around each other. And, you know, there wasn't anybody hugging me when I got here. I understand why. I didn't then, but I do now. But I watched her put your hands on my face. I watched your arms round each other and I lost you hold each other and I left you with your wives and your girlfriends and your husbands and I washed how you treated them And I watched how you held her hand and how you kissed him and how your looked at him and how you were kind and gentle with him. And then when I went home, you told me, when you go home, we want you to treat your wife that way. And I couldn't do that because, you see, I didn't love my wife. And you told us, we don't care whether you love her or not. You treat her that way, and in time, you'll learn to love her. You told me to take actions. And then in time if I took the actions, my thinking would change. And so I started taking that home with me, what you showed me here. And I started reaching out and touching my wife And it took a long time, but after a couple of years I started loving her. And I started feeling something for her and I started caring about her when I asked her how she was doing and what happened in her day-to-day and I decided to listen to her. And she started going to Al-Anon and we started having Guy Day and Al-A-Non in our home. And you know, I watched her when you come in here with your children and I watched how you put your arms around your kids and I watch how you treated them and I lost how you let them be kids because, you see, my kids couldn't be kids around me. They had to be little adults. They had to be perfectionists. They had to be perfect. And, you know, that ain't how kids are, you see, because I found out from you that kids make messes and that kids do things and that kids make noise and that kids play and kids lose things and kids break things and kids don't take care of stuff and you told me that it was okay because that's what kids do. And, you know you told me to take that home with me and try to treat my kids that way. You see and I went home and I had two daughters at home living with me You know, I couldn't tell her that I loved her when she was going to bed. And you told me to start telling her. And I watched you with your kids and you told your kids you loved them. And I watch you kiss your kids. And so I went home and I tried to kiss my kids. And, you know, they run from me for a while. And when my daughter said, I love you, Dad, I said, I love him too. And, I didn't feel nothing. But, you now, I kept doing it. And, one night after doing that for a number of months and for about a year, I said I love and you know what? I felt something. I got tears in my eyes. And, uh, you knew, she looked at me And I went over to the hallway and I hugged her. And, you know, she hugged me back. And I had a little one that used to run and hide in her bedroom when I came home. And I was three years sober until that little one crawled up on my lap and kissed me and told me she loved me. But one night she did it. I was 3 years sober because I kept going home and I kept taking you with me. And when I got home, I tried to be kind and I tried TO BE GENTLE and I TRIED TO BE A HUSBAND AND A FATHER AT HOME BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO DO THAT. And, uh, you now I've been sober about 9 years. And like I said last year, you know my little girl, she's 12 now. She took math lessons so she'd be with me. You can't beat that, man. And she took me to school with her. I went into junior high and I didn't cry with all the other parents this time. I kind of stood tall. I still got her and the other kids in trouble that we were with. But that's all right. They like me. My oldest daughter is applying at colleges and she got her license. And she drives the car and I let her have my car. and you said it's okay that she's got a God in her life the same as me and, you know, she's getting good grades and she's changing. What they've got in their home today is they've Got a Program and they've GOT a Father that's not a maniac most of the time. You know, that teenager, she worries me because, you see, have you ever been in a teenager's bedroom? I walk by her bedroom and it is trashed. The drawers are open, her pantyhose are hung out, the curling iron's hung there, There's five or six towels from her hair being dried. The bed ain't made. There's blankets on the floor. There's posters. There's crap all over it. There's empty glasses and cookie wrappers and zingers. And I get crazy, and I used to go home and yell and scream at her, clean the damn thing up, what's wrong with you? What you did was you told me a secret that I didn't know until I got here with you. You said, you don't have to look at that crap. Why don't you just close the door? I closed the door. I don't even have to see it. I don' t have to have a look at it. It's her room. I'm not going to change my 17-year-old daughter with any pearls of wisdom today. She's 17, you know what she does when I say, What the hell? Why do you keep your room that way? I still throw my crap in four-inch lengths and put it in a drawer. My suits are hung by color with the shirts buttoned off facing the hangers the same way. I said, Trace, why can't you do that? She said, Dad, that room ain't the biggest thing in my life school is. What? What do you mean? That's how you're going to be at school. She said no, I'm 3.5 at school And I'm captain of the cheerleaders. That's what I am in school. She said, I don't have time for my room. I'm busy learning to be an adult at school. What can I say to her? I can tell her what you told me to tell her. I love you, babe. And whip it on. That's all I can do. That's that's what you've given me. And the other thing I've got to tell you is that Appalachian Anonymous isn't just a bowl of cherries and roses. You know, I told you last year I had a son in prison that he shot a man. Well, that son got out of prison in August. He spent four and a half years locked up And I had thrown him out when he was 15-year-old. And he got out of prison in August, and I took him to my meetings up there in West L.A. And, you know, he looked at you people, and he was strong and macho, and he Was a tough guy, and He's seen you foxy ladies. And he took off on that crap. And, You know, I haven't seen him since then. And I got a letter from this parole officer. There's a warrant for his arrest. And I heard that he's carrying a gun now and driving a stolen car. And, uh, you Know that the same thing he told me when he Was locked up. He said, just stand still and stay in AA and just be an example. And you know, that's what I'm doing. And you knows, it eats me up inside because he's my only son and I love him. And I want him to get this. But it ain't time yet, evidently. You know, he's got a God in his life just like I got in mine. You know who am I to chastise him for being violent and crazy? Look at me when I was 22. What can I tell that kid? I can't tell him anything. I was doing that. And you now my father has got his blood clot and his Alzheimer's. He's now in the hospital. and I went back there earlier this year and I got to be a support to him and he told me to go back and suit up, show up and support my mom and I did and I love my mom and I loved my dad and that woman I tried to shoot I made an amends to her at my daughter's wedding in April of this year and you know I went to my ex-mother-in-law and I made amends to her that was a tough one I didn't have to mean it I just had to take the action I don't care if the bitch drops dead I made Amends to Her And, you know, life goes on today. And what I have to do is I have to be an example. And, it's like my sponsor says that this day coming up Monday, December 25th is another day. And what i have to do is just stay here with you. I have to stay here and I have to learn from you because you've taught me everything I know because I don't know anything left in my own devices. I came here and I learned and I tried to follow your example and I try to act the way you taught me to act. And whether I'm good or bad, I'm a product of Alcoholics Anonymous. And like I like to say, I have not talked for you tonight. I've talked for me. You see, I need to remember what I used to be like and I need to remember how very lucky and fortunate I am to be in Alcoholics Anonymous because I could have missed this deal. And then I need to remember what it's like for me since I've been in Alcoholic Anonymous I'm a blessed man, you see. I'm a blessed man to be here with you people and to have the chance I've gotten to have the family that I have and to be married to that woman for almost 19 years and to watch those kids grow up to amount to something and to be a member of society. And I'm grateful for that, and I really am. I could be a cheerleader for Alcoholics Anonymous. But if you're new tonight and you're one of those folks that raised their hand as a newcomer in their first 30 days, you don't have to remember anything I said. What I said tonight is not important to you at all. What you should have heard tonight is that first line read in Chapter 5, and that's what you should remember tonight in every meeting you go to. And what that firstline in Chapter 4 says is rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Thank you. Are there any questions? Yes, sir. Hi, Clay. I read it the first two or three years I was sober and didn't understand it, even as simple as it was written, because I'm not very sharp and I couldn't concentrate. And my thoughts, I couldn'T track them. So when I read them, they didn'T mean anything. What I started to do is I started TO read the big book again every January on my birthday and then every June. I tried to read the book twice a year, and it didn'T start meaning anything to me until I had almost five years of sobriety. Now that's not something that you need to tell a newcomer or somebody, but I can only tell you that's the way it was for me. What I got in my first years of sobriety is I watched the old-timers. I watched how they acted in the meetings, and that's where I learned. Because reading it, I couldn't comprehend it. And, you know, maybe I'm a dummy, but I've got to see you do it. And when I've seen you do It, then I can do It. And I wanted to be an actor all my life, so I just acted like you acted. But it took me about four or five years to start understanding what was in that big book. You see, what I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is that I'm going to always have the feelings that I've got. And what I have learned from you folks and from reading this book and trying to work these steps in all my affairs is, and what my sponsor tells me, is I can think anything I want to think. I just can't act on it. And what I have to do is I have a lot of thinking instantaneous. Because I get so mad, I white out. I get too goddamn crazy with it that I have remember that I'm not willing to pick that tab up and that I've got to pray right then. I've just got to walk away from it. I don't have the luxury with my temper to debate you over something. And I've gotta walk. I've Gotta Walk because it ain't worth... Then I have to come back and make amends to you and talk to you about it. But I still get mad. I still getting crazy. I still driving down here tonight, there was a dummy on the freeway. Why are they out there? With all the snipers we had shooting people on the freeway, they missed this one. Now, I haven't hit anybody in almost four years. I haven'T hit anybody. I don'T have the luxury of doing that. And as long as I know now, and I've been around long enough now, to know when people are starting to push my buttons, I back off. And I even tell my wife now when she gets me crazy, I tell her, I want to tell you something, Jude, right now. I'm loving you as hard as I can. That's all. I'm just...I'm loving ya hard. That's usually enough. And we laugh and hug each other, but I don't have the luxury to get mad. I get mad, but i can't act on it. I really can'tactonit. There's not a secret to it. You ring that bell again, I'll kill you. Take the bell and jam it in your ass, pal. I was kidding, Carlos. I'm sorry. I paid for the stolen car. My brother found out who the car belonged to and he paid him for me in Indiana and then I sent my brother 50 bucks a month. A lot of people ask me that. Did you ever pay for a stolen car? No, I'm still driving this son of a bitch. I paid for it. Yes, sir. Hi, Greg. Hi, Craig. How long after Vietnam, before you ever came to this realization, I know that it's humanized evidence because I understand it, Five years. See, what happened was I concreted all my feelings. I had to have this facade and this face and this attitude with the things I'd done. And I pushed those feelings down inside me for a long time. And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I had a honeymoon my first year because I absolutely loved the freedom I had, the freedom from all the feelings and anxiety and the guilt and everything and the fellowship that I received in my group. It's like this one. It's a big group, and there's a lot of laughter and a lot OF hugging and a LOT of good people in the meeting. And so I was overwhelmed with that, and I didn't have to think about my past. And I did the fourth and fifth step, and a Lot of things didn't come up in that. And then what happened was is as I went along, I started seeing things on television, and I started becoming honest with myself. The one part of my life I wouldn't deal with was Vietnam because I was ashamed of the fact that I was afraid. I was shamed of the things that I had done over there. They're macho, and I laughed about them and stuff. And now I laugh about them in the group. And my sponsor kids me about it now and says I bayonet babies and stuff, but I don't. I never did. Set them on fire, but no, I didn't. No, I did not. For Christ's sake, I do not. I did do that. But what I had to do at about five years is I went crazy, and I got nuts over it, and I went to my sponsor, and I sat in his office, and I talked to him about it. And I went and saw the movie Platoon, and I sat there, and I cried, and And I cried, and I cried. And what he told me was, doesn't it feel good to know that you don't have to be a veteran the rest of your life? That you can let go of that. And you don' t have to carry that around anymore. And you know, I looked at that. And I thought about that. And he says, do you realize that you can... Everybody in Alcoholics Anonymous wants to go back and change something in their life that they've done. I drowned one of my own men in Vietnam. I was responsible for him drowning. And I just had a hard time with that. And I finally, I did not know how I was going to make amends for that because I don't know where his family is and stuff. And I just couldn't deal with all of it. And what happened was is I was told and me and my sponsor prayed about it. And I went with him when he went several places to speak. One of them was in San Diego. And he said, we cannot change the past no matter how bad we want to change it. He said, there's things in your life you want to changed. And I said, yes. And he says, but you can't go back and change it, The man I drowned, or I was responsible for him drowning that day when the boat tip built. I'd love to change that. That man was 18. He had a son, and he's never got to see him. And that's the toughest thing I did. And he said, you can't change that, that's in the past. And he says, you have to let God have that. And, you know, I come up with a realization. He says, You find a way to make amends to him. You know, it's not just me. You know I did, and God works in strange ways in Alcoholics Anonymous. I went and spoke in Texas this year, down in Houston. And I called my sponsor a year or so ago, and I told him I'm going to go to Washington, D.C., and I'm gonna find that man's name, and I'M GONNA MAKE AMENDS TO IT. And I said, as soon as I can save my money. And I lost the company we had. My partner took it up his nose, and we lost all our money and everything in sobriety two years ago, so I ain't been able to go. Well, I was speaking in Houston, Texas, and there's a lot of veterans there at this conference. And they come up to me after the meeting, and they said, hey, man, the moving wall's here. And they took me down there, and I found that man's name on the wall, and I made my amends. And when I walked away from that wall, that chapter was closed. And I felt good about it. Because, you know, if I could change it, and I told him, I said, Richard, ifI could changeit, I would, but I can't. And I said,"I'm sorry." And I walked. So you can get over anything. You see, it's okay to have feelings and emotions about anything we've done. If you stole something and you feel guilty, that guilt is no different than the guilt I feel from that incident. You see, guilt is guilt. There's no degree. Anger is anger, what Cliff said. You know, when you get mad. Mad is mad. We just do it differently. And you know, the feelings I have, crying about it is okay. I'm not ashamed to cry anymore. I don't have to be a macho. That's a sad thing in my life to think about. But if I change it, I could. But I can't. And so I live with it. I still, every January the 7th on my birthday, I say a prayer for him and his family. And I do that for all the people that I owe amends to that I've been able to make them personally to. and it helps you and just leave it in the past that's where it is you're safe with us huh you bet