Why the Big Book Is a Book of Experience – Paige F.

okay this meeting welcome to the sheffield sunday as bill sees its meeting this is a main share meeting and today it is with absolute great pleasure and much gratitude that we welcome paige f from calgary who has finally come to share with us for about 40 minutes after which we will open up for general sharing or if you'd like to ask page um a question so thank you so much paige for joining us this morning it's wonderful to have you here and the floor is yours awesome thank you so much on page of an alcoholic and so grateful to be here with you guys today yeah part of why i picked that reading is because i was touched by the experimental nature that is alcoholics anonymous another way that i like to say it is that i was touched by the experiential nature that is Alcoholics Anonymous. You see, I don't know about you guys, but I came to AlcoholicsAnonymous with a bad case of, I know, you know, I know, and I knew what I thought I knew, and yet I was miserable, and yet I could not seem to be of real use to other people, and And yet I could not find joy, and yet I couldn't seem to stay sober on my own power. But I was stuck in the yeah, I know. And that's like that. And I will do that and that and boom, got it. Just thought I'd set that up already. And so when we talk about the experiential nature of Alcoholics Anonymous, what I can tell you is that I was held back by old ideas that I wasn't willing to have a new experience with. And what I want you to know is when I talk about Alcoholics Anonymous being experiential in nature, my experience is that alcohol is experiential in nature. And I'll be honest with you, I had no trouble experimenting with that. In fact, I have no trouble running the experiment if this time will be different again and again and again. And you see when I talk about this experiential nature of alcohol, please bear with me. Imagine a day, you know one of those days where it has been a day you know what I mean? And you are on your last nerve and I don't know who got the memo but everyone is doing it wrong. And I'm frustrated and I'm just oh And I sit down at the bar or maybe at like at home, like wherever you're drinking. You know what I mean? But let's for this purpose, let's say I'm sitting down at The Bar and I sit down at THE Bar and the bartender's there and I say, listen, I need a drink. And the bartend says, all right. And the Bartender starts to explain the drink that I've ordered. Perhaps the ingredients that go into it. Perhaps how the hops is synthesized into alcohol, perhaps and describing the hints and the flavors. To be fair, I wasn't drinking much with a hint or a flavor. It was more of a let's pass out blackout sort of deal but you know what I mean? And then perhaps I start to get a little frustrated with the bartender and I'm like, buddy, I need a drink and the bartenders like, I gotcha. gotcha let me tell you what happens when you take a drink of alcohol your liver will metabolize it and it will produce an intoxicated effect and it's like man i need a drink you see i don't know about you but what i was always after was the experience of a drink And that experience of a drink of alcohol was, ah, that's what I was after. But you see, I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and it's a little like I'm arguing with the bartender about the hops or about the liver metabolizing. You know what I mean? When I come To AlcoholicsAnonymous, I want to treat AlcoholicsAnalymous as if it were an intellectual exercise. As if I could stay free and happy and have that experience based on what I think or what I believe, and most importantly, what I don't like. But here's my experience. My experience is I was after the experience of a drink. And I am after the EXPERIENCE of Alcoholics Anonymous. i can't stay sober based on my opinions or my thoughts or my ideas of alcoholics anonymous now you see that thing about experientially minded we often bring it out as it pertains to the second step but actually to be experiment experimentally minded in step one we're given two experiments that we can run to decide for ourselves if we are alcoholics because i am the one that needs to be convinced so just like a scientist it doesn't matter what other people have said or done and we can base our experience on the research of others which is to say i can go through the book alcoholics anonymous and hold up my experience to the symptoms of alcoholism that are presented to me and i can see if my experience mirrors what is in this book just like just like a scientist that's going to research papers and trying to hold their theory up to that experiment. But if I am not convinced, I can pop into the chapter more about alcoholism. And on page 31, very bottom paragraph, it gives me the first experiment that I can run. It says, we don't like to pronounce any individuals alcoholic. And I always like to say, we'd all like to doesn't mean we're not any good at it just gonna throw that out there we see each other all right but we do not like to pronounce any individual's alcoholic but you can quickly diagnose yourself step over to the nearest bar room and try some controlled drinking try to drink and stop abruptly try it more than once so if you are unsure about whether or not you are an alcoholic what of course we can do is we can read this book and we can go through the two simp the two main symptoms of alcoholism and identify but if at that point i'm not convinced well i can go and i can't go to the nearest bar room hopefully a different bartender that'll actually serve me on this one and i could go for some controlled drinking i can i can drink and stop abruptly and i want to be very clear what does drinking and stopping abruptly look like well it looks like going out for three drinks and stopping for a 24-hour period that's what that means and i'm very clear on that because i'm the sort of alky that'll be like but i broke the seal when i went to the bathroom that was stopping abruptly or like well it's midnight it's a brand new day it doesn't count after midnight it looks like i'm a little cinderella over here and the alcoholism just turns into a pumpkin but listen i'm ended up behind a dumpster uh that sort of deal and so stop drink have three drinks and stop for 24 hours and try that experiment more than once and so what would that experiment be trying to test, what would I be trying to find out? I'm trying to discover whether or not I have the first symptom of alcoholism which is the allergy of the body. Do I have this allergy? Do Ihave the ability to drink and control the amount that I take every single time? Now when I work with my sponsees I'm a line by line girl. I love to take them through line by line. To have that line-by-line experience. There's not a sponsee that I have ever sat down with, not somebody that I've ever worked with that said, oh yeah, I'm about to just go do that. That sounds like a great idea, Paige. Every sponseee that I Have Ever Sat Down With has been like, yeah girl, I don't need to do that! I know exactly what's going to happen because that is what was happening every single time before that. But yet not every sponsee that I have worked with have stayed sober. So it points to the idea, the conclusion, the logical conclusion that the allergy is only one symptom in my alcoholism. And so if we pop over, if you're bouncing with me. No worries if you are bouncing with me, it's early. The other symptom we can find on page 34 and the other experiment that we can run is on page thirty four first full paragraph. It says as we look back we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our willpower. If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area let them try leaving liquor alone for a year so that is experiment number two just don't drink for 365 days in a row you really hope you didn't pick a year there was a leap year you know uh just don t drink just don drink and see what are we testing well I'm testing to find out do I have the obsession of the mind and you see if I have the allergy of the body if my experience is that once I start to drink I cannot control the amount that I take every single time then that tells me I can never, ever drink again. And that's not good news. That's a problem. But that does not make me powerless over alcohol. You see, I'm allergic to onions and peppers and my allergy. I'm not powerless over them because I exert my power by not going to Chipotle. I am not going to have onions. I mean, I exert my power. But what makes me powerless over alcohol is I come to the morning after fueled with guilt and shame and remorse and self-hatred. And I hate who I am. I hate Who I've become. And I see that alcohol has begun to ruin my life. And I say, with everything that is in me, I will never drink again. But a day, a week, a month, several months down the line, I get a thought and that thought happens in my mind. And that thought happens when I am as sober as I am today, but by illness is untreated and that thought looks a little something like this time will be different. Nobody will ever know. I just got to get out of my system. Well, I mean, my problem was drinking with other Calgarians and you saw how the flames were going. It's not going well. You'd have to drink too but we're over in sheffield it's completely different no alcoholics across the atlantic you know what i mean it looks like if you're going through what i was going through you'd have to get drunk too and so on and so forth do you see that that is what makes my illness hopeless that iswhat makes me powerless i have to stay sober I need to stay sober, but I cannot achieve permanent contented sobriety. You see, this is an experiment because I need to be convinced it doesn't matter what my friends think. It doesn't matter what my family thinks. It doesn t matter what the judge thinks or the doctors think because I am the one that needs to be convinced and it is only when I come to that place of the end of myself that i see that i got no other way out i got no more plans i got no more designs that step one experience i have to stay sober i need to stay sober but i know i can't stay sober and that experience opens me up to the second step and a lot of what we talk about that running the experiment is in regards to step two and step three this idea could there be a power greater than myself now here's the thing in We Gnostics, that's a chapter devoted to the second step. It really is a mental concession. Could there be a power greater than myself? Could this power be greater than my alcoholism? That's what's asked of me. But even in that, it is experiential. So Step 2, Part 1 is found on page 45. Sorry, I didn't tell y'all we're going to be bouncing around. If you want, everything i do is consensual y'all don't need to run this experiment if you don't want to but on page 45 um it talks about uh or sorry not page 45 sorry page 47 uh it's the second full paragraph halfway down the page 47 we needed to ask ourselves but one short question do i now believe or am i even willing to believe that there is a capital p power greater than myself. Could there be a power? Now, I'm not going to break down all that it was talking about, but it spoke about over page 4546, it spoke about the barriers that we all come to believe in a power greater than ourselves. And those are real barriers that we all have. But what helps us to overcome those barriers to belief that if there's a God, why do bad things happened? Why did I go through this? The conception that comes to mind to me feels inadequate. I had religion shoved down my throat. I saw religious people do hypocritical things. All of that, what overcomes mine and more, but wait, there's more. What overcomes that is my experience. It talks about have we not had those moments when we're enchanted by a starlit night who then made all this those experiences where our breath is taken away by the beauty and majesty of nature holding a newborn in our arms or in 2025 i am beaten i am broken i've come to the end of myself and i come to a meeting like this with people like you people will have recovered they drank the way that I drank. They felt the way that I felt. They experienced what I experienced and would you not look at them? They are happy and they are free and they were just like me and that experience the experience of your spiritual demonstration is something that I cannot deny and so all I need to say is could, is it possible is it possible that there is a power that is working in their life? I don't have it now. I haven't had that firsthand experiment. I haven'T run that, but is it possible that they have something I do not have? And with your powerful demonstration, I can't deny it. And so let's talk about step two, part two. We can pop over to page 53 if you're bouncing around with us. And so step two part one came to believe that a power greater than ourselves. I need to believe that there is a power and step two part twos could restore us to sanity. Could there be a power that will take from me that obsession of the mind, the thought that I have that takes me back again and again and against the first drink, no matter how much I need this day sober. Well on page 53 it says when we became alcoholics crushed by a self-imposed crisis. Rude. It's 7am. Don't call me out so severely at 7am, self-impost crisis. How did you know? Self-impost crisis we could not postpone or evade, which is to say when I have had that step one experience, that experience that I know I've got no way out, that experience that I know I have to stay sober, but I cannot stay sober. That opens me up to the second step. This whole thing is experiential. So self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade. We had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else he is nothing. God either is or isn't. What is our choice to be? Now what we're going to do is we're just going to simplify that question real quick. Is it possible that the spirit of the universe is bigger than my rinky-dink little problem with booze? I say I'm doing a softball version, you know what I mean? Is it impossible that that power is bigger than my alcoholism? And again, I cannot deny your experience. I cannot deny the results of the experiment that you have run and that is enough for me to begin but here's the thing the book asked me a question I might as well answer it I might, as well, answer it as it is God is everything or else he is nothing God either is or he isn't what is our choice to be I'll be honest with you guys I haven't had all my morning tea yet. And it's a little early to be answering theological questions without all my caffeine in me. So how are we going to reconcile? Well, here's the thing. We can ask ourselves from our own experience, am I alive today based only on seconds and inches? Were there times in my life where I should not have made it. And here I am alive today, sober today, based on seconds and inches. Seconds I did not earn, inches I did no deserve. Is it possible that there is a power involved in that? And if you want, you don't have to, but if you can close your eyes and you can imagine a time in your life. You know, I live right by the Rocky Mountains and when you drive out to the mountains they emerge before you and it is breathtaking. Have I had any moments where my breath is taken by the majesty of the mountains, a sunset, a sea, a flower of nature? Have I has any moments in my life where I have felt that connection, that presence, that oneness? Have i had any moment in my life where there is a peace and a calm that pervades me that is not my own? Have I gotten lost in the universe staring at the star, or have I gotten Lost in the Universe staring in the eyes of a newborn baby? Have i had any experiences of that? And if I have had any experience that are like that. I cannot say God is nothing. I can not say there is no God. I must say God is and if I say God Is, I am left to say that God is everything. And if I have my first step experience that I'm going to drink again. And then the second step, we also talk about what's our experience with the bedevilments on page 52. We were having trouble with personal relationships. We couldn't make a living. We couldn'T control our emotional natures. We're afraid of misery and depression. We couldN'T make a limit with a feeling of uselessness. We are full of fear. We were unhappy. We COULDN'T seem to real be of real help to other people. face that man that is how i'm feeling before i take a drink what i've got is my way isn't working a relapse is inevitable and i'm going to be miserable on my way over there and what i'm got is i got a solution and that solution is could a spiritual awakening be possible that's what i caught to in the second step and when i stand at the third step what i standing it is the precipice of my life I'm standing on this edge of a cliff and actually on page 59 it says half measures availed us nothing which is rude because I've been run I've in one to run a couple half measures experiment you know what I mean and we joke about it in the rooms 59 it's like half measures filled with nothing over there like half measures it avails you nothing. But what does that mean? That means if I'm going to run this experiment and I only do some of it, I will drink again. If I do some of but not all of it as a way of life like my life depends on it, then I will DRINK AGAIN! That's what that means. And with that information We stood at the turning point. This is the turning point of our entire lives. And it says we asked. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. And any time in this book, it says, we asked that is a prayer. And so what it is, I describe it as this. It's like I'm running through the wilderness trying to outrun this monster. And this monster is my alcoholism, and I am booking it through this woods. But every time I try to outrun this monster, it closes in. And that obsession of the mind, that's what this monster really is. It takes a swipe. And when it gets me, the allergy takes me. And I'm beaten and I'm broken. And I pull myself up and I try To Outrun The Monster That Is The Obsession Of The Mind. I try to Outrun the monster that is the first drink. And here's the thing is I am running. And I am giving it my all. And the monster always clears the distance and comes to get me. And I see that I can't outrun this thing. So, I start hiding. I'm hiding behind trees. I'm in abandoned logs. I'm doing anything and everything. But it always comes and finds me. And then what do I do? I'm beaten. I'm broken. It gets me again and again. And each time it's harder to pull myself up. Each time it is harder to outrun the thing. And by some miracle, I make it out to a clearing and I can see that monster barreling in. And I run and I find myself at the edge of a cliff. And I look over the edge OF that cliff and there is a cloud. It is a Cloud of Unknowing. I can't see what is beyond that cloud, but what I hear is your voices saying, jump, jump. We've run this experiment. We've had this experience. jump take this leap of faith work these 12 steps as a way of life like your life depends on it because it does do what we promise it's worth it i don't know if i can trust you guys all the way but i look behind me and i can see that monster barreling in and there's nothing between me and the monster there is nothing i've got to stop that thing from coming because i'm out of option and take that leap of faith. And you see, that's the experiment I'm running. The experiment that I'm going to run is I'm gonna work these 12 steps as a way of life like my life depends on it because it does. And you say, let's talk about what are the results of the experiment? Well, first thing I gotta do is if I have made that third step decision, I have decided that I am going to do this thing. I know that I'm running the experiment because I'm writing inventory. When I say writing inventory, I mean writing it. I mean I'm going after it. I'm working on this thing and I'm getting through it. You see, the first thing that happens to me is experiential. Now when it happens to you, you might not see it, but you'll see it in your sponsees when they begin to do it. When they get into that fourth column, when we look for where I have been at fault, there is a palpable, a tangible change. You can see the light begin to come on in their eyes. I know I can't see it in myself when I'm doing it, but who would have thought the magic would be in finding out I was a jerk all along? But that's where the magic is. And I begin to see the world in a brand new way and then I begin to have a look at my fears and as I write on these fears that I write how me relying on me did not work how me rely on my power was a failed experiment and I'm writing on how God reliance can overcome this fear we will experience the fourth step promise one of the four-step promises which is to say just to the extent as we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity? And that is not something that I can experience through thinking about it, through talking about it. Through reading about it I've got to actually do what it says to the extent that I think I do as this power would have me which is to say these 12 steps of the way of life And, you know, honestly, I skipped over the third step promises. So let me back up and talk about established on such a footing that I work for this power. I'm keeping back on 63. Sorry, I'm bouncing around quickly. I'm aware I don't got a lot of time. Established on such afooting, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more, we become interested in seeing what we could contribute to life as we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of his presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. Now that promise does not happen at the third step. That promise happens as I make the decision or as i as i fulfill my commitment to the decision in the third step so that promise happens as i run this experiment as i write step four as i share a fifth step as i have a quiet hour as i do my six and seven as i go out and rigorously make my amends as i continue this in step 10 as i continued this in 11 and seek to grow this relationship and help others i am on that footing when i'm doing all 12 steps as a way of life and we know that this is the result of an experiment because i could not do it on my own power on my own power or my own thoughts i don't care about other people in that way like of course i always did but not in that like less and less interested in my little plans and designs girl i'm all plants and designs and new power i can't think my way into new power i can t enjoy what's happening between my ears on my own power i m thinking that's what s happening between my years and not my power is not going well you guys i can n t think my ways there and it's facing life successfully man my entire life i was unable to do that and i cannot lose fear based on my thoughts or my opinions i don't know about you but the more i think about fear i don' t come to an equitable solution i'm not like boy i'm really worried about this all done i found it i found the answer i'm okay no i just didn't find more to worry about and so i've got to take the action and so again in step four when i see how if i rely on this power hour. That calamity, that calamity is not simply a bad day. The calamity is the pain and the trauma and the suffering of life because I am not exempt from the human experience which is rude because I would like to be but I'm not exempt from that experience. It is matched with a serenity that is not my own. Now I'm going to skip ahead a little bit. Let's talk a little on page 75, the fifth step promises. It talks about we pocket our pride and go to it. And it's the second full paragraph. Those are the directions on how to do the fifth steps. Go do it. Put your pride in your pocket and do it, illuminating every twisted character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we've taken this step with holding nothing, we are delighted and that's how we know Alcoholics Anonymous is experiential because not a single soul looked at the fifth step on the board and thought oh boy that sounds delightful that'll be a delight just telling God and another person my deep dark secrets delightful right this whole thing is experiental and if I hold if I think about the fifth steps I'm not going to experience this if i believe in the fifth step i'm not going to experience this but if i do the fifth step i will experience this withholding nothing like if i really run this experiment experiment this is what will happen and we know that this is what will because the book alcoholics anonymous is not a book of opinions or theories or ideas the entire book alcoholics anonymous is a book of experience it is mostly bill wilson but reporting the experience that he had in the first 80 100 members of alcoholics anonymous and what happened to them after they took this course of action but more than that each and every single one of us every alcoholic here who has recovered from this hopeless state of mind and body we can hold our experience up to the light we can say yes this is our experience too that is how we know that bell just wasn't blowing smoke because he wanted to sell some books that we know that this is real it says once we've taken the step of holding nothing we are delighted we can look the world in the eye we can be alone at perfect peace and ease our fears fall from us we begin to feel the nearness of our creator we may have had certain spiritual beliefs but we now begin to have a spiritual experience now i could spend 20 minutes just breaking down these promises and i don't got 20 minutes left but what i will point out is the theory that i had in step two and step three is now becoming an experience an over day over their idea that there could be a power is now becoming a lived experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we're on the broad highway in step two. It's like, hey, if you want, you can join us. Now we're at it, the broad hallway, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe this is an experience and so let's pop over i i i let's talk let's talk about those nine step promises we'll do it 83 i'm like i don't know if i got time for the next step ones uh i want to hit the 10th step and i want land us on page 100 it says if we're painstaking bottom paragraph of page 83 if we are painstaken about this phase of our development. Now, these are often called the promises. I don't even think they're the best ones. They're the promises that come through in step nine when we are painstaking about actively making our amends. So I've got to run the experiment to get the result. And it says we will be amazed before we are halfway through. So, I've gotta do them to get the results. And as I'm sure many of us know, we're gonna know a new freedom, and new happiness. I couldn't think my way there. We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. My opinions on it couldn't get me there. We will comprehend the word serenity, which is not to say I looked it up in the dictionary. It is to say, I experienced it. And I will know as a know within my heart piece, no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. I can't do that based on my opinions, based on my arguments. It is an experience that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. That was what was promised to us in the third step promises. That's how we know that these promises happen as we continue with all 12 steps as a way of life like our life depends on it because it does. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change we're beginning to have a spiritual awakening fear of people and if economic insecurity will leave us we will intuitively know how to handle situations with which used to baffle us if i am baffled i can't think myself into an intuitive change we will suddenly realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves it goes on to say are these extravagant promises i'm big on saying yeah they're pretty extravagate they're pretty extravagant but here's the thing they're being fulfilled sometimes quickly sometimes slowly they will always materialize if i work for them if i'm going after my amends the way i went after a drink it will materialize it will happen now let's pop over real quick to the uh the 10th step promises bottom of page at the bottom of that page bottom of 84 because if i have had the experience of the obsession of the mind if i've had that step one experience these are the promises that i need i need to stay sober but i can't stay sober i have to stay sobre but i cant stay sober it says and we've ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned we will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted we recoil from it as from a hot flame when we talk about sanity returning what we mean is the obsession of the mind is gone and we're describing it here we react sanely and normally and we will find that this has happened automatically this is a change that i could not bring about myself it happens to me we will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part i'm not fighting it it says it just comes that is a miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We've not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We're neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That's the result of our experiment. When we work these 12 steps as a way of life like our life depends on it because it does, and we go through four through nine quickly and thoroughly. And we continue that process in step 10, and we go from there to grow it, to deepen it in 11, and share others in step 12. That is our experience. That is how long, how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. That is the result of the experiment. That's what will happen. And now there's some 12-step promises. They kick off on page 89, working with others. And it talks about that nothing will, I'm just going to paraphrase real quick. Nothing will ensure immunity as intensive work with alcoholics. I can run that as an experiment. Why don't I carry this message to alcoholics and see what happens? But it talks About how life will take on new meaning to watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you. This is an experience you must not miss. I can't have that when I'm sitting around in my mind arguing about actions I don't want to take. But if I take these actions and I share them with others, I will experience the miracle, not just in my life, but in their life. And what I'm going to wrap up on with the two minutes left, last promise I'm gonna touch on, page 100 it says both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress so i've got to work with others i've gotta continue to grow spiritually many of us have run that experiment what happens when i get complacent and i find myself back to page 52 pretty quickly those bedevilings and if i stay bedeviled i'm gonna get drunk or i'm gonna kill myself it says if you persist remarkable things will happen when we look back we realize the things which came to us when we put ourselves in god's hands were better than anything we could have planned so how do i put myself in god s hand well i gotta take that leap of faith that i was talking about in step three and i gotta work these 12 steps the way of life like my life depends on it because it does and when i stood at the edge of that cliff i didn't know what the results of my experiment were gonna be i didn t know what i was going going to find beyond that cloud of unknowing that I couldn't see. And I didn't know where I was going to land, but every single time I take that leap of faith, I find myself safely and securely in God's hand. A God I didnít like, a God I Didnít believe, and a power that I didní know anything about, that I begin to experience. And if that is you, youíre standing on the edge of the cliff and you're not sure what's going to happen, what I would encourage you is take this leap of faith and let us help you run this experiment and let uns help you find all of the results that we have found. Our very life depends on it. Thank you for the opportunity to share. Thank you so much.