Why She Threw Herself into the Program Without Reservation – Angie D.

About This Speaker Tape

A basin of water and a three-week-old baby who wouldn't stop crying. Angie D. remembers the moment she held her daughter down, wanting her to die because the weight of motherhood was a responsibility she couldn't carry. Born into a barrio where she felt like an alien, she spent decades chasing a feeling—first from sherry wine that felt like putting a finger in a light socket, then from Benzedrine and downers to kill the madness inside. She lived as a "chug-a-lugger," a burglar, and an unprotected bar-drinking woman, drifting through filth and rage.

After a failed suicide attempt left her enraged to be alive, she stumbled into a room in Pomona and heard the music of Alcoholics Anonymous: people laughing. She spent years as a "visitor," fighting her own arrogance and a deep fear of abandonment. It took a man’s pain reaching out to touch her own to break her shell. Now, she relies on a Higher Power and the Big Book, knowing she is not a miracle—the program is.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Angie A. opens by celebrating her daughter Norma's 10th anniversary.
• 2:15 A raw account of her early motherhood and the desire to kill her child.
• 6:40 Childhood memories of the barrio and the 'emptiness in her soul'.
• 12:10 The first drink: sherry wine and the feeling of putting a finger in a light socket.
• 18:30 Descriptions of her 'topless, bottomless' dancing and burglary as a child.
• 25:10 Marriage to a heroin user and the introduction to 'white pills with crosses'.
• 32:45 The 'monster' within and the cycle of violence against her daughters.
• 41:20 A failed suicide attempt and the subsequent encounter with a lady from the PTA.
• 52:15 First experience with the 'music' of Alcoholics Anonymous and the laughter in the rooms.
• 1:02:10 The 'blindsiding' moment of connection when a man cried on her shoulder.
• 1:15:40 The role of Mary R. as a sponsor and the 'rusty spoon' of recovery.
• 1:28:10 Reflections on being a grandmother and the peace found with her Higher Power.