Why Recovery Is Not Dependent Upon People – Kent C.

my grandmother always said everything goes better with prayer why don't we do that dear god use me tonight as an instrument that i will speak through me so whatever results that you desire here tonight will be accomplished in all things thy will not mine be done amen Dr. Bob Smith, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1950 in his last talk made this statement Let's not forget the simplicity of our program Let's let's not louse it up with Freudian complexes and things interesting to the scientific mind that have little to do with our actual AA work What I love most about AlcoholicsAnonymous is the simplicity Of it there's a line in the chapter working with others that bottom lines for me what this is all about And what that line says is simply this, remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. The single most important fact in my life as I stand here tonight and the only reason I'm standing here or anywhere else is I got a power in my wife today that I choose to call God who does for me one day at a time what I could never do for myself. If I had the power to quit drinking on my own, I'd have never come to AA. Why should I? I establish and grow in that relationship one day at a time through living, not memorizing, analyzing or discussing. Through living the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as outlined by the founders in the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous. And that's the reason that I pray before I introduce myself from behind the podium. Let me assure everybody in this room tonight, left to my own devices, I surely would have destroyed myself years ago. That prayer reminds me of two things that I believe are vital and crucial to me staying here. First and foremost, the reason I'm at Fellowship of the Spirit tonight is to do God's will, not mine. And it also serves to remind me that he is in charge here tonight, and as always, thank God. I am not good evening my name is Kent Coleman I'm alcoholic first off my parents raised a mannerable young man I want to demonstrate that I want thank this committee for all of the phone calls all of all of their emails for the invitation to participate in this celebration of Alcoholics Anonymous I want think the people responsible for me being here I got a lot of a family here one of the things if you're new you're going to find out here the world of AA is very small and as I look around this room I probably know about a third of the people that's in here tonight um I got AA family here uh fellowship of the spirit is my AA family I got a sponsee brother sitting on the front row a sponcee sister-in-law sitting next to him I love alcohol by the time I'm done you can really know how much I love Alcoholics Anonymous man and uh it is an honor They're in the privilege to participate in the life-giving, life-changing, life saving fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous at any level. Whether it's setting up and cleaning up at the home group, going into the detoxes, the institutions, all of the things that I've been blessed with in Alcoholics Anonymous. When I was new in AA, I used to call my sponsor and I'd say, Bill, I want to read you my list of grievances for today. You know, and I, I'd go down this list of all the people who hadn't treated me properly and all of the things that i hadn't gone right and he'd listen and i'd get done and he to always say this who you're helping and i said bill i don't think you were listening now i want to run it through this by one more time you know and i'll read through the list again right and at the end he'd say who are you helping click and hang up the phone okay see i learned something either i live the problem or i live in the solution and anytime i'm given the opportunity to give back in any way in the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous i always say thank you so thank you um i wanna there's a lot of new people here tonight i want to take a minute to talk to those of you i remember what it was like to be new if you've been here for a while and you don't remember what it was like to being new let me make a suggestion to you sponsor somebody sponsor somebody I believe the first 11 steps of this program will give me 10% of what's offered here. The 12th step will give you the other 90. If selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of the problem, then obviously unselfishness is the root or the solution. My sponsor today, Bob, always says, this is the only place in the world you show up a big shot and work your way up the servant. You know, and that's what this is about in here, man. That's what it is. That's the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, right? And so when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, see, I remember what it was like to be new. I didn't come here with AA etiquette. I didn' t know what an open meeting was, a closed meeting was. I didn''t know what a sponsor was. I didn ''t know where the home group was. I had the word mother wrapped around every other word that I said. I didn'T know a big book from a Rand McNally Atlas when I walked up in here. And I came in here and, you know, I'm a guy that hears best with my eyes. You see, because I don' t knoW you. And so when I came in here, I started watching, and I saw two very distinct groups of people. We'll call the first one Group 1. Group 1, in and out, in an out, and an out. Every time they came back in from being out, they looked worse than the last time they came back from being in and being out. I didn't see nobody come back in passing out $50 bills and driving a BMW and talking about how good it was out there, right? They came back restless, irritable, and discontented, and they talked of terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair. We'll called them Group 1." And then there's another group, and they was called Group 2. And if you've been at this convention any amount of time this weekend, you've seen them in action, chairing meetings, setting up tables and chairs, putting out coffee, greeting people at the door. You see them at your home group doing the same thing, don't you? They talk about God, big book steps, spirituality, helping others, getting God in your life, and enjoying sobriety. We'll call them Group 2, and I'm no rocket scientist, and my story is going to prove that to you, But it looked to me like the people in group two had a heck of a better deal than the people in group one. So I asked myself, keeping this simple, what are the people in group 2 doing that the people in group 1 are not? The people in group 2 had some things in common. First off they had something called a sponsor. Now I didn't know what a sponsor was when I got here and I wasn't going to tell you that I didn' t know. I used to play softball for Cronin's Tavern. They was our sponsor. And uh they used to give us free beer and clothes. I thought well maybe Yeah, it ain't so bad, right? And you sat me down and you told me what a sponsor was. You said it's somebody who has working knowledge and experience with the 12 steps as outlined in the big book who is willing to take the time to share with me the program of recovery from the black print on the white pages in that blue book and who is also just as importantly a living demonstration of those principles in their life. I have sponsorship in Alcoholics Anonymous today. I'm sponsored by Bob D. in Las Vegas. I have the continued spiritual guidance of Bill F. in Lorain, Ohio and Ken B. in Cleveland. Bill has 50 years, Kenny has 40, Bob has 34. That's 124 years of continuous active sobriety that is at my disposal on a daily basis if I choose to use it. I want to tell the new people that's in here today something that I have learned. Having a sponsor is a great thing. Being sponsorable is even better. Okay? The only results that I've ever gotten from anything that's been at my disposal in Alcoholics Anonymous have come from things that I'm done, not things that have known. I do this sometimes because there's a lot of new people here tonight. Would everybody that's in here tonight who would be willing to sponsor a new person in AA please raise your hand? Thank you very much. If you knew and you ain't got a sponsor, I just hooked you up. No one ever need leave an AA meeting without the benefit of sponsorship. And everybody always laughs when I do that, but I do that for a reason. Because I remember what it was like to be new. When I came here, I didn't know if you had 10 years or 10 minutes. How could I? I didn'T know you. I'd never been here before. Nor did I know if you'd be willing to help a guy like me who didn't even feel that he deserved any help. No. So if you're new here tonight, the help that you need just presented itself. What you do with that information is up to you. Another thing that people in group two had was something called a home group. And I was laughing earlier today because our friend who did the flag ceremony told us he didn't have a home group, right? He was an AA nomad, right, and I was one of them guys. You hear it all the time. All the groups are my home group. Yeah, right. So they told me if you ain't got a home group, you're homeless in AA, and this is the last place in the world I can afford to be homeless, and I got a home group. My home group today is the Friday Night Venice Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Sandusky, Ohio. It's a very old group. Actually, it was an Oxford group meeting at one time because that's where I come from. I'm going to tell you something about my group. It ain't the best group in the world. It ain' t the worst group inthe world. I want to share something with y'all. This is not a competition. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. Ain't no better than, ain't no less than in here. What my sponsor Bill taught me when I came in here is son, it's okay to stop competing now. my entire life prior to Alcoholics Anonymous was lived on a better than or less than basis and a funny thing happens when I live my life better than or less then, I'm never a part of and if I'm not a part it is I'm a dead man in here tradition one our common welfare should come first personal recovery depends upon AA unity anytime I consciously or unconsciously separate myself from you as better than are less than I am on my own again And my experience proves abundantly that on my own, I cannot stay sober. I cannot say sober. That's what I like to call a total package in Alcoholics Anonymous sponsorship, big book and steps, home group and service. We have it. We talk about it here, don't we? The three legacies, unity, recovery and service in my experience, which is the only thing I'm allowed to share from behind the podium. i have yet to meet an alcoholic of our type and if you don't know what an alcoholic of our type is read the book i have yet to meet an alcoholic of our type who has come in here taking that total package applied it to their life one day at a time to the best of their ability which is all that's required if you knew here tonight i'm going to take the pressure off of you god don't require more of you than you capable of this day god does not require you can be happy joyous and free this day with what you have right now and that's going to get better okay i have yet to see one come in here and do that and pick up a drink i have not seen it one single time to our new friends the program of recovery was designed for success not for failure but i must participate in my own recovery on the flip side of the coin however i have yet to see an alcoholic of our type come in here ignore those things and stay sane sober happy for any appreciable length of time the simplicity of alcoholics anonymous those who do get and those who don't don't and it's just that simple i don't know about you but i never sat in a tavern watched somebody across the room drank a beer and thought i was gonna get drunk watching them drink that's just as ridiculous as me coming in here watching you get a sponsor getting the book work the steps get a home group get active and help others and think that somehow magically it's going to rub off on me those who do get those who don't don't you know i'm back where i live people are coming back into the meetings after they go out and drink again and they're reintroducing themselves and this is what they say i'm back i've relapsed you know and i'll go over to him and i say can i ask you a couple questions sure you can kent did you have a sponsor well no did you read the big book of alcoholics anonymous and apply the 12 steps to your life and have a spiritual awakening well no did you Have a home group where you are active and had a service commitment well no Then what exactly did you relapse from? We're giving people the impression in here that meeting attendance is Alcoholics Anonymous, and it is not. I want to share with the new people in here. We've got a program here. We've Got a Program Here. when i come in alcoholics anonymous okay i need to understand what this and when i came here i didn't know that i didn'T KNOW THAT so what i'm telling you is if i come in here and i take those things that are at my disposal and i apply them to my life one day at a time i'm going to stay sober the obsession of drinks going to be removed and my life's going to start getting better and so is the are the lives of the people around me okay and that's what's available here so we got you know we live in an age this is a great age look at where rusty got over there on the table man we are inundated with meetings literature all of this stuff this is the greatest time to be a member of aa ever but i gotta know what those things are okay those are support mechanisms for my recovery my recovery is the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous as outlined in the big book that's what recovery is that's it that's all period and those things are support mechanisms for that not substitutes for it okay and when i understood that this started to make a lot more sense i identified myself as an alcoholic i didn't know what that was when i got here either of course i thought i did of course I thought I knew everything when I got here anybody relate to that right my definition of alcoholic when I go here y'all remember Otis on the Andy Griffith Show? Otis, clothes was all weighed wrinkly. Always had a pipe in his pocket. Otis was in and out of jail. I watched every episode of the Andy Griffin Show, even the ones in color. I don't remember Otis working no place. So that's my definition of alcoholic. I was in England speaking at a big convention and I asked them that. Y'all remember Otus on the Andrew Griffiths Show when 2,000 people went? No. My sponsor told me Stop embarrassing me and thinking about where you're at, right? Hey, I thought they had cable. I didn't know. So what is this thing? So I always had a definition of alcoholism, and it was what I like to call a sliding definition because as my disease progressed, I kept fitting my definitions, so I would change them. If you asked me as a teenager, what is an alcoholic, I would say somebody who drinks every day, right. As a teenager I became a daily drinker. That ain't it. All right. Let's see. An alcoholic is somebody who misses work, school, or important things in life because of drinking. It interferes with one's priorities in life. As a teenager, I began to miss work, school, and important things in life because of drinking. That ain't it? I finally figured it out though. I figured an alcoholic is somebody who goes to jail because of their drinking. I finally figured that out. As you hear in a few minutes, I really had to change that one. By the time I staggered through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, my definition, you see it all the time underneath the bridge guy with a long trench coat and stocking cap on his head in july drinking wild irish rose mad dog thunderbird out of brown paper sack sleeping under a cardboard box yes there he is that certainly must be an alcoholic only reason that was my definition when i got here is that's the only thing that had not yet happened to me and if i didn't have a family that continued for many many years to break every fall that i had that's exactly where i would have been i can stand here in all honesty tonight and tell you I drank in Wine O's Alley with them old guys in Sandusky, Ohio. The only difference between me and them guys is when it got dark there was somebody who would open the back door for me and there was nobody there to do it for them. That's the only difference. I had the nerve to come into an AA meeting when I was new, poke my chest out, and say, you know, I ain't never been homeless. There was a man at that meeting. His name was Jim Redman. God rest his soul. He died 53 years sober. He looked up at me and he said, really? He said, I got some bad news for you, son. he said if you grown and you living in your mom and daddy's house and you ain't paying no rent you're homeless that man hurt my feelings I hope I didn't step in no toes on no toes in here tonight but you know the truth will set you free so what is this thing called alcoholism man alcoholism doctor's opinion mental physical spiritual threefold disease mental part mental obsession to drink that not every day when i came in a words like mental obsession physical allergy that ain't the kind of stuff i was talking about you know i used to work at ford motor company and i didn't have a car yeah we'll get to that later. And I'd get in the car with the guys that work midnights, 8 o'clock in the morning. I'd sit in the back seat and I'd say, you know, I've been thinking about a beer all night. Nobody in the front seat turned around and said, that's the mental obsession that precedes. We didn't know. Right? So keep it as simple, man. What is an obsession of thoughts so powerful it will override or overcome any thinking that I as a human being can raise as a defense against it? What are some of the mental defenses I tried to raise against first the first drink i tried common sense did that you know that was stupid you know my grandmother told me later why i didn't that didn't work because she said you weren't born with any but anyway um so common sense didn't where i tried self-knowledge did this last week went here last week results was disastrous let's go here this week do this week same results didn't work i tried uh fear of consequences i might face if i drank in my late teens i'm waking up in the morning, laying in the bed and mentally making a list of all the reasons why I shouldn't drink today. And that was to continue through the years. If I drink today, flunk out of school, get kicked off the team, get kicked out of the house, girlfriend going to leave me. Later on, lose my job, dirty urine, I'm going to the penitentiary. All these things true in my life at one time or another. And if you're anything like me, three or four of them at a time is where I roll, right? So I would wake up in the morning, take a look at these things, and I would make a decision based on truth, easiest kind of decision I want to make. I don't want the consequences of any of us of this therefore i'm not drinking and i meant it as much as i mean it tonight and then i get out of the bed and usually about 10 seconds later another thought would come floating in my head and it usually went something like this maybe you can identify with this you could have one one drink never and bam like a radar i lock on that thought and here's the killer thing all of those true things that i thought five minutes ago never come back to me why because i'm only going to have one now this is an honest program i'll be honest with you tonight i have never in my entire life had one of anything that i enjoy my philosophy of life is very simple if one's good two's better three's outstanding four is magnificent let's pony up money for five. I am Dr. Feelgood, right? So what is the statement, I'm only going to have one? It is a lie. If the 12 steps is an honesty-based program, and it certainly is because honesty is the principle of the first step, and we know that every principle in the steps must be applied to the following steps. Therefore, the principleof honesty must be implied in all 12 of our steps. That's why the firststep is the one I got to work 100% in order to have a chance. Then doesn't it naturally follow that alcoholism is a lie-based disease? My sponsor Bill told me when I was new, he said, I don't know about you, son. He said, but I never walked into the bar room and said, hey, bartender, give me a shot and a beer. I want to be in jail by 9 o'clock. It was always going to be what? It's going to быть different. So I pick up this drink that I'm only going to have one, and I drink it. And the second part of the disease becomes active. Dr. Silkworth called it the phenomenon of craving. Prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism was treated as what? Either a moral issue or a mental illness. Dr. Silkworth introduced something to the world that we know today as the disease concept of alcoholism. There's something physically different about me. He calls it the phenomenon of craving. A little story I like to tell that illustrates that simple for me because I'm a simple guy. It's a 90-degree day. I'm riding on my lawnmower in Sandusky, Ohio, cutting my grass. So is my non-alcoholic next-door neighbor. I'm watching him over there he gets hot and thirsty he shuts his mower off he gets off it he walks across the lawn to his deck he flips open a cooler it is full of cold beer he pulls out a cold one he pops a top on her he sucks her down it quenches his thirst and I know nobody in here is going to believe it but I've seen this with my own two eyes with that full cooler of beer still sitting there that man actually got back on his lawnmower and finished cutting his grass the difference between me and my neighbor if i get off of my lawnmower and i pop a top on a cold one and i suck her down it does not quench my thirst what it does to me and maybe to you is it makes me thirstier how simple is that and grass cutting is over at the coleman house my lawnmower be sitting in that same spot two weeks from now when i get out of the county because that's where i roll right spiritual malady soul sickness i live a self-directed self-will life and i did that um consciously i made a conscious decision at the age of 14 that i would direct my own life and as a result of that i find it necessary to arrange the actions and outcomes of the people, places, and things in my life to suit my needs. And there's a problem with that, isn't there? Is that the people places and things in the world around me refuse to cooperate. And as a result of that I become restless, irritable, and discontented. And at the age of 14 I learned that if I pour alcohol on restless, irritated, and discomfited and disconsented I get a sense of ease, comfort, fearlessness and well-being. A sense of wholeness. Dr. Silkworth called it the effect produced by alcohol. This disease of mind, body, and spirit is called alcoholism. And I got no idea if you got it, but I definitely got it. And if I don't treat it, death, imprisonment, or commitment are guaranteed me whether I drink or not. And some of you know what I'm talking about. I'm 53 years old I was born in the city of Sandusky, Ohio the second of three boys out of a Christian home I would have taught the difference between right and wrong before my feet ever hit the grass in the front yard my mom and dad were the best I'm the son of Pete and Evelyn Coleman and um I was raised in a home where we were taught the different between right and wrong my mom was the president of Ohio Baptist Women's Convention all the famous people you see on tv and religion and people been in my house and was regular callers to our home we wasn't sent to church we were taken to church uh my father was the commissioner of the local little league the youth football league uh my grandparents lived with us my grandmother cooked for the whole town i was raised in a home where people live lives of service to god and the people around them that is the atmosphere in which i was raising my mother worked for christ the corporation my father worked for general motors i'm retired from ford and uh i tell people you know we're a lot of craziness house we have really nice cars but anyway uh no growing up uh got everything that we wanted within reason and if mom and dad said no we went to our grandmother because no was not in her vocabulary that is the atmosphere in which i was raised you know um in the 12 and 12 bill talked about the 12 steps and he described him as a set of principles spiritual in nature. I was introduced to spiritually principled living before I went off to kindergarten. In our house, they told us honesty is the best policy. A real man is always honest with himself and other people. In our House, maybe in some of your Houses, we got automatic whoopings when we got caught lying. Did that happen in anybody else's House in here? That's step one. The principle of step one is honesty, and I learned it at the end of a hickory stick as a very young boy. My mother told me when I was about seven or eight years old, Kenny, come here. I'm worried about you. Contrary to what you believe, the sun does not rise when you wake up and set when you go to bed. Look out the window and tell me what you see. Sky, birds, cars, grass, people, mountains. She said, you think this just popped up out of nowhere? She said Kenny there's a power that's greater than you that created all of this and all you have to do is be willing to believe at that step too. In our house they told us if you will make a decision to put your life in the hands of the power that created All of This, in our house, they call that power God. She said you will always have what you need no matter what happens outside or around you. My mother was telling me the answer is inside, not outside, step three. In our home they told us anytime you got a problem, no matter how bad you think it is, come talk to us about it. A problem shared is a problem half solved. You're only as sick as your secrets. My mom used to say no man is an island. That's steps four and five. In our house they told US the biggest room in your life is the room for improvement. If you can make C's, you can make B's. If you could make B'S, you could make A's. And if you'll ask the power that created all of this to help you in any positive improvement you want to make in your life, the power will always do so because that's what the power does. That's steps six and seven. In our home they told us anytime you hurt, harm or wrong someone else, go make right the wrong you done. You owe an apology, make it. You owe time, give it. Your own money, pay it. Clean up your mess. That's what responsible people do. That's step eight and nine. My mother used to say you can never go forward in this life if you don't know where you are today and what you need to work on to get wherever it is you're trying to go? How can you go somewhere if you Don't Know Where You Are? When I was a junior in high school, I took Greek and I read a book about Socrates. And in that book, Socrates said the uninventory life is a waste. Step 10. Our grandmother said the secret to having a good day is very simple. When you wake up in the morning, slide out of the bed onto your knees and say one word, please. As you go throughout the day and you don' t know what to do, ask the power that created all of this to help you. And at night, before you get back into bed, hit your knees again and say two words, thank you, step 11. And in our house, they told us the greatest thing that a human being could do with their life was not acquire money and material things. It would be of service to others. How did they teach us that? They taught us the golden rule. They taught us to talk to folk the way we wanted to be talked to, treat folk the ways we wanted to be treated, respect your elders, offer to share what you have with your brothers, your cousins and your friends before you have your own be of service to your fellow man step 12 when I got on the bus to go to kindergarten I was already armed with a set of principles spiritual in nature that I know today is the 12 steps of AA to our new friends here today I want to share some with you spiritually principled living did not originate in Akron Ohio in 1935 those principles are ancient and there's a lot of people who live like that out there every single day and check this out, they don't expect a pat on the back for it either. I'm amazed sometimes at people in AA. You ever hear this in an AA meeting? Boy those people out there sure could use what we got in here. Where do you think we got it? Read the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. Henrietta Cyberling, Ann Smith, Dr. Shoemaker, Dr., Silkworth. None of these people were alcoholic. Where do you think we got it? And they don't expect a pat on the back for it either. Of course, I always did. I was seven months sober. I went to see my grandmother. I said, Mama, guess what? She said, What? I said I paid my bills seven months in a row. She said, I paid mine 72 years in a row. Get out of here! The selfishness and self-centeredness of the alcoholic. Do you realize this is the only place in the world that we got to tell new people now go do something nice for somebody but you can't tell nobody or it don't count. This is the one place in the whole world It's the only piece in the word. We are so sad. It's unreal, isn't it? i was restless irritable and discontented as a kid i was never comfortable in my own skin um i loved the the writing and the big where i love the way bill wilson right and he talked about being maladjusted to life i was maladjusting to life and i couldn't tell you why there was always a nervousness an underlying current of something running through me and i didn't know what it was you know our book talks about being self-centered what self-centered means is that I believe that I am the center of the universe, right? I can't see any further than me. And the only possible reason that any of the rest of you even exist on this earth is to be able to make me feel good. And that's the way it was for me as a kid. I was shy and insecure and afraid, scared to death of girls, very what we like to call it self-conscious. Today we know what it is, is extremely self-centered and selfish. I'm a guy who thinks I've got to say and do the right things at all times because everybody's watching and hanging on every word I say and every action I take. And you find out later, as Brian had talked about it, nobody was even paying me any attention, you know what I mean? But I can't see you. See, I'm so full of me, I can'T even see you, right? And that's the way I was as a kid. So I started looking for different avenues of escape. I daydreamed a lot. I was an avid reader. You hear that a lot in here, don't you? an avenue of escape i become a character in the book the reality of my life is becoming an untenable and an uncomfortable place for me so i'm looking to go somewhere else you know my first real drink of choice was my older brother i had a brother four years older than me i come from a football family um in my part of the country we play a lot of football um and uh my father played for west virginia state university my uncle bo played for penn state i had two cousins that played in the national football league for over 10 years my family do football on saturdays and sundays in front of 90 and 100 000 that's what we was raised to do our baby pictures is not laying in a crib it's on the floor in a three-point stance in a diaper with a foot that's how am i just where my daddy was you know that's the way we were raised you know and uh my brother by the time he was 16 years old was six foot two he weighed 215 pounds he could run a 4 4 40 on a center track in tennis shoes and um he had committed to go to ohio state university to play for Woody Hayes at that time. And my brother was my hero. And my high school produced seven NFL players out of two classes. I mean that's where we come from. And um and my brother was on his way to do that. And he took me with him everywhere that he went. And I had ease and comfort in his shadow. When I was with him nobody expected me to be, do or say anything. I'm looking outside to try to fix this problem that I got on the inside. And on September the 5th of 1972 uh we journeyed to massillon ohio to scrimmage the massillon tigers if you watch espn they was ranked the number one high school football program in the country and they was our big rival and um on that day he had four or five runs over 50 yards and late in the scrimmie got hit low got hit high fell funny five minutes later collapsed wasn't breathing nine hours of brain surgery on monday and on wednesday september the 5th of 1972 he died of that injury um is that what made me an alcoholic? Absolutely not. Stop any car out on the street today, you'll get similar stories. People live, people die, tragedies happen. What did it do to me? I could tell you very simply, broke my heart. Almost killed my mom and daddy, you know, really almost killed my grandparents, changed my whole town actually. And what it seemed to do was intensify the feelings of difference that i already had you know we didn't have counselors and you know today if something happened they rushed to the school and you don't think they had that back then you was on your own and and i always i want to say this i've never doubted the existence or power of god in my darkest days on the street because something happened when my brother died you know brian talked about how you know his mom hit the bottle when, you know, when they had a similar tragedy in their family. This is what my mother did. We got to that funeral home that next Friday and there were thousands of people, literally the Follett House Museum in Sandusky said it was the biggest funeral in the history of Sanduskey and my mother walked in that funeral room and stood by my brother's casket and looked at them people and this is what she said, I don't know when, how or where but blessings will come from this i watched my mother take an entire town and family and put it on her shoulders and walk us through that when we were on the brink of collapse and at the age of 13 i knew my mother didn't have that kind of power i have never doubted the power and existence of god i just made a decision i didn't want it after my brother's gone i gotta hang around guys my own age i'm 13 years old we standing on the street corner i've known these guys since i'm two topics of conversation among our crew 1972 at the age of 13 was very simple three things drinking beer smoking weed and climbing in and out of girls bedroom windows in the middle of the night and i was batting zero zero zero i had a mother that did not play that i went to school church ball practice at home but do i let them know that absolutely not you remember them dogs they used to put in the back window the car with a hair to go like this that's me oh yeah I did that last night ain't that fun yeah I was over I'm 13 years old and I'm a liar or fake and a phony I am willing to compromise everything that I've been taught and believed to be true to gain your acceptance I'm looking outside to fill this hole on the inside I'm Looking for Your Acceptance my mom used to talk to me a lot after my brother died and she would tell me things like God's been so good to you and you're gonna have a really good life blah blah blah and I used to look at my mom and I used to tell her you know i don't know where you get this stuff but well i could tell you what i want in life in 30 seconds i want mine i want to get it my way and i'm gonna need you to leave me alone while i'm doing it because i ain't gonna do it the way you do and she'd get that sad look on her face that mothers get oh we didn't raise you that way you don't get it now put my finger in her face i say you're the one who don't getting it you know selfish and self-centered and self seeking and self absorbed one of the big things in my life at that time was church and um it wasn't an option in my house okay nobody ever asked me did i want to go they told me get up you're going and this would prompt a big fight in my home every sunday morning and uh i was sitting in church one sunday and and a thought came to me and uh this is what what it what it was you know you're not gonna live with these people forever and you're now gonna have to do this forever all you gotta do is these next couple years and then you're done and I made a conscious decision at the age of 14 that once I was old enough to call my own shots I would never again darken the doors of a church and I made that happen. The next Sunday when she woke me up she said you got to go to church I said no problem let me get ready and she said really and I said yeah you got two years 11 months four weeks and three more days and i can only imagine what she was thinking you're looking at a parent abuser we talk a lot in society today about child abuse i want to share something with you prior to me picking up a drink of alcohol there were no sleepless nights in our home there was no hollering and screaming in our home there Was No Anxiety And Fear And Guilt And Shame There Was None Of That In Our Home they were happy joyous and free I bought those things into that home and I infected the people who gave me life with them until they were sicker than I was when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I got the nerve to come into AA and talk about man I had a great time out there drinking I'm gonna tell you what a guy told me when I was new he said did you really if we brought your mother your father the girl you live with your co-workers your neighbors and your creditors in here and we sat them down and said you know ken had a heck of a time out there drinking what kind of time did you guys have what do you think they'd say and i said to him you know i never thought of that he said i know you haven't because all you think about is you i don't stand behind a podium of aa and glorify the disease that burned my life to the ground just about killed my parents huh and took me to a place that i didn't think there was a return from. I don't glorify drinking in here. From the day I picked it up, you know what my definition of a good time drinking is? Any consequences that have to be paid as a result of my drinking are paid by somebody else. That is my definition of a Good Time. I do not plant seeds in my head. I got a disease that's cunning, baffling, and powerful that there's something redeeming about my drinking. From the day I picked it up to the day I put it down my life went right in the toilet. Did I have good times? I thought absolutely. Right? But I one of the great things about Alcoholics Anonymous is the ability to see the truth. Now funny thing about AA if you knew is you can't see what it's doing until you're free of it. See I can look in the rear view mirror tonight and tell you all this stuff but when I'm living in it i can't see it selfish self-centered self-seeking self-absorbed and according to my mother mean as a rattlesnake i have yet to take a drink i tell people i was the perfectly tilled soil for the disease of alcoholism all i got to do now is find out if i got the physical allergy found out got in the car with a guy i played basketball with in high school who lived the life i lived in my head right snazzy car pocket full of money ran around with the kind of girls i ran away from when i seen them coming down the hall and i got in a car with johnny he looked at me he said hey Coleman you want to get something to drink now I have been warned about drinking alcoholism does not run in my family it gallops and I have been told we do not do alcohol well look at your uncle Ed look at Junior look at both sides of my family are rife with alcoholism but if Johnny had said to me that day let's go ride the carry out I guarantee y'all would have done it those are the links I'm willing to go to to gain your acceptance to fill this hole I got on the inside we went through the drive-thru we put our money together we bought 10 quarts of Sliss Malt Liquor Bull. Johnny dropped the convertible top on that beautiful Pontiac, cranked up the music. It's a bright sunshiny day. We rode through the streets of Sandusky, Ohio and we drank that beer and my life changed. I've heard a lot of descriptions of what happens when that alcoholic gets on that first drunk. And I heard a guy say one time there comes a moment when an alcoholic takes a drink and alcohol flips the switch. The lights come on. Everything I ever wanted to be, do or say immediately became possible. Now on that day this is the easiest I can put it to you I went from shy, insecure and afraid to bold confident, suave debonair and absolutely fearless in about 20 minutes we went behind the derrick apartments where all the thugs hung out I had not said 5 words in public in the last 3 years we pulled up, people surrounded the car I told Johnny turn that music down there's a few things I want to tell a few people who are present here this afternoon that I've been wanting to tell them for quite some time and I went around that circle of hoodlums and not only did I tell each and every one on what I thought of them also told them what they needed to do in my opinion to improve themselves the reactions of the people around that car they was leaning in the car and hugged me they said see I told you I told you my boy's all right he's loosing up he's doing a little drinking he's one of us man i immediately connected the dots and i immediately attributed it to drinking i now have the acceptance of the people's who acceptance i want the most that's not mom and dad that's them drive-by shooters behind the derrick apartments alcohol equals success and you better believe i got it we left from there we went over to the home of some of them girls he run around with i run away from and i've never been over there in my life i walked into that home like i was paying a mortgage I went in the dining room, I sat down at the dining room table, I looked across the room at a girl I still think is the prettiest girl to graduate from Sandusky High School and it's 162 year history. I had never even breathed in her direction much less said hello and I looked over there at her and she looked up at me and I said come here and she got up and started walking toward me now any sane human being at this point would probably think to themselves if you weren't so shy and scared look what you could have done just by speaking up. Here's what I thought. If you had been drinking before now, look what you Could have done. Look what you've been missing. As I stand here tonight, I can remember thinking that as clearly as if it happened this morning. Now, this is an honest program. And I'm gonna be honest with you when she got over there to me. I had no idea what to do with her. I don't think that far ahead when I'm drinking. But guys like me watch a lot of TV and on TV they do this and I did that and she sat down in my lap and my life changed again and the bottom line to the whole story is on that day alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself, what happened after that I'll tell you the rest of my drinking history now there's a lot of people who come to Alcoholics Anonymous who haven't been to jail or haven't Been In Trouble and you don't have to you know what those are social consequences for antisocial behavior and there's a lot of people who show up in here who got families and jobs and never been in trouble with seeing it and you don't have to you can get off the elevator any floor the price of admission is honesty you can Get off the Elevator at any floor however that is not my experience I'm a drink trouble guy if this if this right here was a drink of alcohol and I stood here and drank it a cop would drop right out of that light land in the middle of floor. The old timers in Cleveland used to say, drink trouble, drink it. Dude, I said I got that, right? What happened the rest of that day is the rest of my drinking history went in a blackout. I have no idea what went on the next four or five hours according to eyewitnesses at the house. I came in the front door and threw up a trail through the house, through the living room through the kitchen, through my family room my grandfather fell on the floor laughing I went in the bathroom, I had everything but the toilet The next thing I remember is my mother knocking on my bedroom door, screaming Come out here and clean up this mess You know you've been drinking Blah blah blah I staggered into the hallway and what later years would be my drinking uniform, my underwear I'm bouncing off of them hallway walls I got a hangover that's alive I mean I'm dying I go in the bathroom, I lock the bathroom door put my hands on the bathroom sink I look in the mirror and this is what I said man oh man I can't wait to do that again grounded for life is what was being discussed in the living room and how that sentence was going to be carried so immediately I want you to follow me I'm facing negative consequences as a result of my drinking the big book talks about a guy who puts his hand on a hot stove right you don't do it again And here's my thinking in that bathroom. Maybe you can relate to this. I had a meeting with myself. You know, I like to have a meeting with myself because I usually can solve most everything that's going on. And I had an meeting with oneself and here's what I come up with. All right, Kent. Here's what happened. You got drunk? Yep. You got sick? Yep, and as a result of that you are grounded for life. Now, here's the deal. It's not because you got drunk that you're in trouble. The reason that you are in trouble is because you've got sick. If you hadn't got sick this wouldn't have happened. What you got to do is learn how to drink without getting sick. Is anybody with me on this? Okay, I can't see the forest for the trees, man. The curtain drops, right? And I'm gone. And I never look back. got me a car at the age of 16 had a 1 o'clock curfew, come home 4 o' clock in the morning when I used to come home my mother used to be up, her light would be on until I came in the house, she'd call me and she'd say Kenny come here I want to see you I'd stick my head around the corner and look in the bedroom and this is what I usedと say to my mom why are you up? seriously why are yo u up? if y'all go somewhere I'll sit up here 2 or 3 o' lock in the mornin waiting on you and daddy to get home I want you to understand something. I am so full of self and so full of me, I can't even comprehend the love of a parent for a child. That's just foreign to me. I am self-centered. I am the center of the universe. So I can see you. And I come home this night at 4.30 and my mom's sitting on the couch in the living room, laps on, tears running down her face. And this is what my mother told me when I came in that front door. She said, Buster, I'm going to tell you something. She said as your parents, we'll give you a roof over your head, food to eat clothes on your back and an education and we have fulfilled our part of the bargain she said but buddy i got something you can't have and she said that's my peace of mind she said kenny you're going to penitentiary or the cemetery and i got a message for you so i ain't going with you i'm done go do what you want i'm giving you to god i'm gone and this is what I said to my mom I broke you I broke you and I want you to know something I'm a little bit disappointed you such a spiritual giant because it wasn't even that hard and I walked away and left my mother sitting there that's Ken at age 16 I graduated from high school I went off to college I went to Miami of Ohio one of the finer institutions of higher learning in this country, at least it was until I got there. I was drunk for five years down there. Like Brian, I went into business for myself distributing outside issues. And I'll tell you how that went for me. First week, I was my best customer. Second week, I was only customer. So that didn't work for me, just chaos and confusion. my alcoholism skyrocketed with no parental interference by the time I'm 19 years old I got shakes in the morning I had set up headquarters down at the Boar's Head Inn uptown I went up and saw Tom the bartender he's kind of like my sponsor and uh I told Tom I said I think I got Parkinson's Tom look he says you're 19 years ago I couldn't fasten my shirt this morning he said listen son he said here's what I want you to do go get a fifth 100 proof old granddad drink two shots tomorrow morning your hands stop shaking all right I got the granddad drank two shots the next morning, my hand stopped shaking. You know what I said, don't you? That man's a genius, right? My sponsor pointed out to me when I came into AA, he says, you notice, you never questioned the bartender, but you're surrounded by people who loved you and tried to help you. And all you did was curse them out and tell them you was grown and you wasn't hurting nobody and living your own life. But you never question the bartend to our new friends here today why is it that i'm always willing to listen to the people who harm me why is that alcoholism has progressed is now the center of my life i went to college with the with the goal of being successful in business and i surrounded myself with activities to support that goal sometime in my first or second year the worm turned alcohol became the center of my life, right? And I surrounded myself with activities to support my drinking. The classes I took, the people that hung around, whatever my major was, alcohol is calling the shots in my life. I leave college and go to work in an auto factory, the kind of job I could have got with a high school diploma. Why? Because they have something in auto factories that a guy like me needs desperately. It's called a union, okay? And if you drink like I drink and don't come to work like i don't come to work you need some help right and i came home and i went to work and um my alcoholism escalated i'll bring you up through the end of my drinking um i don'T get a lot into the problems i had with the law um i think that's podium flash what i will tell you is that um i've been arrested uh i had seven convictions for driving under the influence of alcohol in the state of ohio um they had the laws today back then that they got today i'd still be locked up and rightfully so, been convicted on felony weapons charges, other kinds of things. A lot of problems. But I ain't hurting nobody. But I Ain't Hurting Nobody. At the end of my drinking no baths, no showers, I got a liver that's distended about seven inches. every time I take a drink of whiskey I cough all this white stuff up my liver and pancreas have ceased to function they will no longer metabolize alcohol what I'm coughing up is pure alcohol my body is now rejecting what my mind is assessed with, I'm 32 years old and I'm dying of alcoholism, the last three years of my drinking I spent desperately trying to quit, I tried everything I could think of I went back to church, I read the bible and I used to sit up with a bible in this hand and a Miller High Life in this hands I changed the guys I hung around, I got the booze out of the house I changed shifts at work I did everything I could think of humanly possible to stop drinking and I'd be drunk the same day I had a heart attack at the age of 28, it dropped dead in my house. They took me to the cardiac unit and my mom stood in the door and I listened to Brian this morning and my Mom said I already lost my oldest son, I can't lose another one, do what you gotta do and I laid there with tears running down the side of my face and i said god if you let me live i'll never drink again and i meant it as much as i mean it today 48 hours later my heartbeats stabilized they put me in a regular hospital room two hours in that room i was drunk if i had the power to quit drinking on my own i'd have never come to aa why should i i had what they call a moment of clarity a moment sanity come out of a bar one night 11 30 at night i'm on a period of indefinite probation have you ever heard of that i got sentenced to five years in the state penitentiary at mansfield ohio and the judge my uncle my mother's brother was the mayor of sandusky my mother was one of his most prominent citizens everybody knew my dad and the judge told me this what she told me she said before i throw you away i'm going to put you on a period of indefinite probation one dirty urine you go for five years i ain't shocking you out in five months i had a file this stick laying up there on the bench and i walked out of that courtroom you know what i said didn't i'll never drink again right first day i reported adult probation was the next friday maybe you can identify with this kind of thinking i'm driving across town i got an hour before i got to be at adult probation and here's the thought that came to me you know they say they never test you on your first time reporting they don't think anybody's that stupid who is they this is the kind of thinking that i got i stopped i got a doubleheader granddad i was knee walking drunk when i got down there and i didn't do that because i'd rather be drunk than sober if i had the power to stay sober on my own i wouldn't need a and that's the head I brought in here and I came in AA you know what a guy told me he said don't drink and come to these meetings and you'll be fine I said dude if I could not drink I wouldn't need these meetings you better have more than that you better have more than that and he walked away from me because he didn't have more than that think to drink through another guy told me I said okay let's go get one are you kidding me we got a book it's called Alcoholics Anonymous I'm powerless and until I get some power no matter where I go or who I know what I read or what I memorize until I have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps I'm an alcoholic my type is I'm either going to drink or blow my brains out come out of the pump lounge out on route four. My brother was driving and I had what they call a moment of clarity or a moment of sanity. It's a guy in Cleveland, six pack Charlie kitchen. And Charlie said, that's the moment when God paralyzes the liar in you long enough for you to see the truth. And for the first time in almost 20 years, my head cleared. This is what I saw. Ken, if you don't stop drinking, you're going to die. You better get some help. She can't do it by yourself. You'd better do it now because you're running out of time. Just like that. I'm a great believer in the power of prayer I believe I was prayed in here I had given up okay um where alcoholism took me was a place when you give up it's a place called cold-blooded cold-hearted indifference I no longer cared I could look you in the eye and tell you quite frankly I could care less if you live or die just stay out of my way now I believe that's as far away from God as a human being can get i didn't love i didn'T hate i just didn't care my nickname i ain't proud of this was poison my mother said i had the most negative aura of any human being she'd ever seen she said when you walk into a room the lights dim and that's what i brought to you and i have this moment of clarity and i went and i picked up the phone and i called a guy that was my best drinking buddy in college he's a doctor today and um i owed him five grand hadn't paid him a dime his wife answered the phone and this is what she said and how she said it richard is kent and he got on the phoneand and he said what's up man and this was what i said i said richard's your boy man i need some help and this isthat he said to me he said man i've been waiting for this call for seven or eight years pack a bag stay by the phone I got you when I get a call from the north central intergroup office of alcoholics anonymous in Sandusky Ohio at three o'clock in the morning you know what I tell them don't you pack a back stay by phone I've got you and for that I am responsible call me back said don't go to work they're gonna fire you he said I want you to come down here he lived in centerville outside of dayton about 220 miles from where i live he said i'm gonna put you in treatment in a hospital treatment program called green hall my brother and his wife drove me down the next day as we sped down i-75 my brother his wife was in the front seat it was 25 of us in the back seat me and a case of genesee beer now i didn't know too much about treatment but i have figured out on my own they wasn't serving no liquor in there and uh i got three or four of them cold jennies in me and y'all ain't gonna believe but i had a visit from the enemy my thinking on my way to treatment my sponsor when i was new in aa i said to my sponsor bill one day i said bill can i ask you a question he said what i said you know the invisible line they talk about in aa he said yeah i said if it's invisible how does anybody ever know they crossed it he said i want you to double your meetings i said bill i'm already going to three a day he said go to six he's a son he said anytime you in a room alone all your enemies are there right and he's talking about my thinking so i get these beers with me on my way to treatment here's the thought that occurs to me after three or four beers on myway to treatment You know, I just may have overreacted here. It ain't that bad. Come on. I'll start my comeback tomorrow. Anybody ever think that? Right? What I didn't know is my father told my brother and his wife, I give you $100, you don't bring that tramp back here. That's a true story. That's the truth. That's true story, and we got down to Centerville, and we go to Richard's house, and he put me in his car, and he drove me to treatment over in Zinnia, and he bought me a quarter millers for the trip. He said it was always your favorite. We pulled in the parking lot at Green Memorial Hospital. I had this much left in that quart and he put his car in park and he turned and he looked at me and he is not a member of this fellowship and he said go ahead dog finish that and don't ask me how I know it man. He said that's the last drink you're ever going to take. Every 17th of May 1992 and I had another drop of alcohol and anything stronger than an aspirin since that day and it's because Alcoholics Anonymous the program, the fellowship and the service structure work and that's why. Got out of detox. After nine days, I had a lot of physical problems and they sent me what they call men's group where they had men reading out loud stories of their drinking escapades in the streets. The counselor says, Kent, what do you think about what you heard here today? I said, I'll tell you what I think about What I Heard Here Today, Jim. Well, I'm down here for a few days to get help for this small problem that I might have. I would like to volunteer my time, service, and energy to help you with these people because he's the sickest people I ever seen in my life. That one statement got me an extra week of treatment. I spent 35 days in a 28-day program. They cut my insurance off at 28 days. They called the Ford plant and they said, you know, we don't think Kent's ready to leave the hospital. You know what the Ford plan said? We don't either. The next morning, they took me down to the nurse's station where my enemy, Mary the nurse, who was 28 years sober in AA, hung a sign around my neck this big. It said, I am not a counselor. I had to wear it for a whole week. Next day, Jim had me write and read to the group I did. I got done. He said, kid, put your chair in the middle of the room. Let's make a circle around kid and tell him what we think of him he said i'm gonna start the ball rolling by saying kids are full of bs his eyes are turning brown if you threw him in water he'd float away that was the nicest thing they would say in that room that day and what them guys what them boys told me was if i didn't get honest with myself i was going to leave that place and i was gonna drink and i wasn't gonna die honesty is the principle i left that room and i went back to my room and sat on my bed and i made a decision to be as honest as i could the rest of the time i was there In the street, we used to say game recognizes game. We tell stories in here Stephen King couldn't make up. You know? And the truth is spoken. The truth is heard. You know, I heard a man today say he robbed a bank and said give me $50. You can't make that kind of stuff up. You can'T make that up. If he's going to tell that to some sane people, they ain't going to let him go home. right but i'm sitting here going 50 you do it baby yeah i went to my first day meeting at green hall i loved a from the first time i saw discussion meeting a lady from out of town had a problem and they went around the room and they shared with that lady with no judgment or condemnation similar problems that they had had and solutions they had found. I was given a gift of love and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous the first time I saw it. You know what my thought was my first day meeting, how could something like this exist? And I never heard of it. I loved it the first time I Saw It. Didn't understand it, but there was the spirit of Alcoholic Anonymous and I loved It. I got out of treatment and I came home and I played a game. It's called don't drink, go to meetings and don't do nothing else. If I put my arm through a window and I cut an ivory in my arm and I put a towel on my arm I run to the car. I drive myself to the hospital. I run into the emergency room. I'm bleeding all over the floor. The doctor steps out and says, come on back, Mr. Coleman. We'll treat you now. I sit there in the emergencyroom bleeding to death. Look at the doctor. He say, no, thank you. I'll just sit here. And I bleed to death in the Emergency Room. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Emergency Rooms. See, I've been here long enough now. I've watched people who attend these meetings on a daily basis who die of untreated alcoholism go to two meetings a day in case they sober on a bet. The treatment for the disease I suffer from is a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps as outlined in the book period period I went to 250 meetings in three months and ended up in the parking lot at Daily's Pub vibrating see I thought my problem was alcohol and I'm not drinking and by God everybody in Sandusky knew it but my problem's not alcohol is it it's a symptom of a much larger problem isn't it my problem is called alcoholism it is a disease of mind body and spirit and our book is very clear that when we get better spiritually the mental and the physical will follow right and i said my first prayer sitting in the parking lot of a bar three months sober with 250 meetings under my belt and it was a simple prayer god what am i doing wrong and man like a lightning bolt what are you doing right if you go to that many meetings you hear it every day don't you get a sponsor read the book work the steps get a group help others no i ain't do none of that i pulled out of there and i went to an aa meeting and i ran to a man and I said, would you help me? And this is what that man told me. He says, son, he said, I'm going to sponsor you out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the only thing that I know. And I will demonstrate to you how I live those principles in my life. Now they call it 12 steps, a kit of spiritual tools. I love that. I got a toolbox in my house. I ain't never seen a hammer and screwdriver walked across the floor of my living room and fix a thing. The only value of a tool is if I pick it up and use it. The Only Value of These Steps is if i apply them to my life I've had the privilege of standing on high podiums with Alcoholics Anonymous all over the world I have yet to attend a meeting where somebody stands up and says works if you know it and my sponsor took me through the steps of the program as I try to live them today I'm going to wrap this up and tell you that I had an opportunity to make amends to my mom when I got out of treatment my mom had bone cancer and she was dying. And I was allowed to come back into that home and my father told me, one slip up and you're out of here. But I need you to help me take care of your mom. My sponsor told me you will not go in that house with any of that I'm sorry crap. What you're going to do is you're going to something that you haven't done in the 32 years you've been alive and that's be the kind of son God put you on this earth to be. And I went into that room and I helped my dad take care of my mom. He worked afternoons, I worked midnights. And I took care of my mom, gave her baths, moved her from her chair to the bed, sat with my mom. My mom saw me go to all those A.E. meetings. My mom seen me bring my first sponsees to the house and sit down at the kitchen table and open the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. My mama seen me put on a shirt and a tie and go speak at A.A. meetings when I didn't have a suit. When she got close to the end, my sponsor said, you're going to make it direct now. They got her off the morphine. I had a huge speech planned out. I went to the hospital. I sat down and I looked at my mom, and my mom looked at me. My mom had the biggest, most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen, and tears ran down her face and tears run down mine, and the only thing I could get out of my mouth was, Mama, I'm sorry. And I didn't have to say no more than that because seeing is believing. And this is what my mom told me. I forgive you. And she said, Listen to me, Kenny. I want you to promise me something. stay with those people and alcoholics anonymous because they were able to do for you what we could not they were the answer to our prayer my mother died holding my hands and looking in my eyes in a hospital room my whole family i had a big family was up there calling her name and my uncle stood in the back of the room and said don't call her no more because she ain't gonna look away from him that's how she wants to go and that's why my mother left this earth and i'm gonna tell you something right now i've been blessed a million times since then but if i never got nothing else that was enough thank god for the fellowship the program of alcoholics anonymous my dad died i was 18 years sober and my dad saw me get married he saw the birth of my children um let me tell you something about my daddy my daddy was a man's man and he lived and worked his whole life he was a war hero in Korea he lived his whole life so he could hold his head high up in his community 40 years of General Motors never missed a day's work my father came to me after I had done something and made the front page of the paper and my daddy told me you made me hang my head And I made amends to my dad, you know, and I paid him back the money I owed him. You know, my mom and dad, I don't think they, I used to go to AA meetings and people would say, I offered the money to mom and Dad and they said, no, just stay sober. My mom anddad missed that. I went to my mother and I said, I owe y'all a lot of money. And my mother, you Know what she told me? I want my money. And I paid my mom and dad back. You know what? When my dad died, there was nothing left on the table. Nothing. And my children, my two little girls, they adored my daddy, and he adored them. And I was the last person to see my daddy alive. And we talked, and he said, I'm tired and I'm done. And as I got ready to leave the hospital, all he said to me was don't bring them girls here today. And I said okay, and I knew that was going to be the last time I saw him. And there was nothing left on the table. He worked at General Motors with a guy named Joe. Joe's sober over 30 years now. And after my dad died, Joe came to see me and he said, Kent, you need to know something. He said, you know your daddy told me one time that he wished you would change your name and leave town. And after you were sober a year, he said your dad came to me and said, hey Joe, do you know my boy? And Joe said, yeah Pete, I know him. And he said, your dad looked at me and said, ain't he something? Don't talk to me about what God can't do. Don't speak to me. Don't say, don't talk to me about what God can't do, but I must participate in my own recovery. If you knew when here tonight, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is not about the acquisition of knowledge and intellect, it is about the application of principles that are outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Got divorced last year. I got a 12-year-old daughter good woman I ain't you know them things happen in life moved to Las Vegas spent a year with my sponsor Bob in Vegas back in Sandusky now back with my children my life is recovery is not an absence of problems what recovery is is having a power in my life and A relationship with a power that's bigger than any problem that life may present. That's what this is about. That's why I'm here today. That's where this is all about. Retire from Ford and I'm working in automotive for a big automotive supplier now and just having a great time. If you're new here tonight, I want to leave you with something. They gave me a tape of a man named Warren Chisholm Sr. when I was new. 12th man in Alcoholics Anonymous in Cleveland got sober in 1939 he was a friend of my sponsor Bill. In that tape Warren Chisholm Sr. made this statement gave me goosebumps I had my headphones on working on the line at Ford Warren ChishOLM Sr. said that anyone who comes here who is willing to follow the principles and precepts of this program as outlined by the founders in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous need never drink again one day at a time. I ran to my sponsor bill and i said he can't say that bill never drink again and this is what bill told me he said oh yes he can he said and i'm going to tell you why i can't he says because this is a spiritual program and god doesn't fail if this don't work for me it's because i have not fulfilled the conditions that have been laid down i must participate in my own recovery god will not do for me what I can do for myself, but he will do for me what I cannot do for himself. Those who do get and those who don't, don't and it is just that simple. If I said anything to help anybody tonight, thank God, don�t thank me or myself, I am nothing my strength coming from my father in heaven. If i didn�t say nothing to help you tonight, guess what? It is more meetings tomorrow god does not make too hard turns with those who seek him god could and would if he were sought abandon yourself to god as you understand god admit your fault to him until your fellows clear away the wreckage of your past give freely of what you find and join us we shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then. Good night.